Chapter Fifty-Four: Old Thoughts


(Mid-June, 1976)

Months had passed and now Severus was back into the usual rhythm of his previous life. He had been surprised at how easily he had slipped back into his old routine, and now he couldn't even believe that he had once lived a few months without being relentlessly bullied by Potter. Just the day after he had gotten back, Potter and Black had immediately started to torment him, right after breakfast. At first it had been quite a shock, but something in him, the strong part, took over and now he didn't even think much of it. He used his schoolwork as a coping mechanism for the bullying and for Hermione. Somehow, as strange as it might sound, having another thing hurting him made it easier for Severus to deal with the bullying. When he was punched, he compared it to the blow he felt in his gut each morning when he remembered Hermione would never remember him. When he was kicked, he compared it to the thumping in his mind; the terrible sensation of the headache he felt every time he had lost many hours of sleep crying about her. Now, Potter was nothing. He could do nothing. Severus was already too badly hurt. But that didn't mean he didn't despise Potter. He did.

During the first month, he had spent many hours staring outside the dormitory window, that led onto the lake. He made a special effort of not going there as he knew the pain it would cause him, but it didn't stop him from staring at the sight from afar. Perhaps she was looking at the lake too, in the future. Severus imagined she was sitting against the tree he used to sit at, reading one of her favourite books. Her frizzy golden-brown hair would be flowing in the wind, much to her annoyance, and she would pull on a beanie to try and tame it. But some strands of hair would still manage to escape, and she would let them hit against her face in acceptance. Soon, she'd be so entrapped by the words she was reading that she wouldn't even notice her defiant hair. He imagined her quickly turning the page, ignoring the numbness in her fingers due to the cold, despite the fact it was March. And then he imagined her getting up, and looking up towards him at the window. But by then, Severus would walk away from the window, so he could not imagine seeing her face. He couldn't bear imagining her face. He knew he would start crying if he did.

Sometimes, he found himself wondering what it had been like as a Death-Eater. Sometimes, the idea of becoming one didn't sound too foreign. At least there he could forget about him problems. At least there he was have a purpose. When he remembered Dumbledore's words, telling him to think as his past self would have done, he couldn't help but think this is what Dumbledore meant. After all, his past self wanted to become a Death-Eater too. And besides, this was what he was supposed to do. He knew that he was going to kill Dumbledore eventually. Wasn't becoming a Death-Eater the best means of preparing himself? Lily, of course, did not approve of his obvious interest in being a Death-Eater.

Lily. When he first saw her at breakfast in the Great Hall, after he had returned, he had been bitterly disappointed. He had been blind to it before, but now it was obvious. She had become just like all the others. No wonder she would end up marrying James Potter. She sickened him, but at the same time, there was a part of Severus, the part that had convinced him that he was still in love with her, that was overjoyed. As he watched her from the opposite table, a part of him was thrilled to see his friend again, and even got excited. As much as Severus didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore, he knew that if he was going to behave like his past self would have done, he had to continue to talk to her. And so he had.

During the past few weeks he had continued to talk to her, just like normal. At first he had feared that he might fall into the trap again, and convince himself that he loved her but he couldn't have been more wrong. She was nothing compared to Hermione. And he realised then, although he had suspected it before, that he would never love anyone else. It was just Hermione.

And so there he was, walking out of his Defence Against The Dark Arts exam, which he had spent weeks revising for. It had been extremely comforting, revising for exams. It took his mind to the world of knowledge, the only place where he could seek comfort. When he studied hard, when he filled his mind with so many facts that he feared would make his head almost burst, he felt as if he was closer to Hermione. She was somewhere in the future, studying the same thing. In that aspect, they were almost together. The thought gave Severus some solace.

He continued walking from the Great Hall when he heard the voice of James Potter bellowing down the corridor. Severus experienced some sort of déjà vu, and he quickly realised that he had seen this event happen.

"Oi, Snivellus!"

Severus drew his wand out in an instant, but unfortunately he was not quick enough.

"Expelliarmus!" James Potter sneered.

The next thing Severus knew was that he was choking on bubbles. Potter must have done the Scourging Charm, as Severus' mouth was now frothing with bubbles, and he could hardly breathe. The acrid taste of washing up liquid burnt his tongue, and he could only faintly hear the laughs of people in the background.

"Stop! Stop it!" Someone cried, but Severus didn't know who.

The only thing he was concentrating on at the moment was trying not to choke to death, which was a task in itself. Suddenly, he could breathe again, and he looked up to see Potter glaring at him.

Severus did not even have enough time to scramble for his wand when he felt himself be thrown up into the air. He felt his trousers slip down to his ankles, so that his underwear was on show. His face immediately reddened, and he felt as if he might die of shame. He would rather be choking on bubbles than this. Anything but this.

"Let him down!" Was the next thing he heard, and this time he didn't have to look around to know it was Lily.

It was mind-boggling, as he had seen what was happening to him under a bench, but actually experiencing it was completely different. It was mortifying.

"Ah, come on Evans." James said. "It's only for a laugh!"

"LET HIM DOWN!" Lily screamed at him.

Severus then felt himself crash onto the floor. He quickly grabbed his wand that lay a few metres away.

"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-" James started, but Severus let his rage get the better of him.

"I don't need any help from her!" He yelled angrily.

He hadn't called her that word, as he had made a vow that he would never use it again. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to say anything.

"Fine." Lily said coolly. "I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

She then marched away, much to Severus' shock. She knew very well that his clothes were so dirty because he was poor. His pants were grey because of age, not because he hadn't washed them! Why was she deliberately embarrassing him? And how could she have called him 'Snivellus' when she knew very well how much it hurt him?

Severus then realised it didn't make a difference whether he would have called her a Mudblood or not. She had already made up her mind about him.