Okay, so I know I have moved my notes mostly to the end, and I intend to stick with that for the remainder of this fic; but today had some important announcements to be made that I thought earned pre-fic status:
Such as:
#1: April is going to be Wheeljack appreciation month. Spread the news and hug your favorite inventor (even at the risk of blowing something up)!
#2: Apparently, I have Transformer precog:
https://michaelbay (dot) com/newsblog/newsblog (dot) html ~ remove spaces and put in the . where it says (dot)
I won the Autobot Lotto. I swear. Same picture I used when choosing Sunstreaker and everything! Now, if only it ends up the same character...
#3: War for Cybertron - June 22, by all the intel I have recieved so far. And it looks FANTASTIC.
Thank you to my betas; Eowyn77 and FORD B., to my readers and reviewers, to my inspirations; Litahatchee, Hearts of Eternity, Karategal and Lady Tecuma, and to the little things in my head that give me these...ideas. ^_~
Journal entry; rude awakening
Jolt may be an efficient medic but he sure isn't very gentle about it. I woke in a near panic from some kind of stimulant he gave me – like pure caffeine injected into my veins! And then the questions. "How did Starscream get you?" "What did he do to you?" "How did you get the Allspark shard" ...yeah, how indeed Sunstreaker? There were a thousand others too, but I just couldn't get my brain together enough to answer any of them.
I was so relieved to see Sideswipe I nearly forgot that Sunstreaker had dumped me in the middle of the forest so he could go blindly into a fight alone. It was like a flood gate had been opened and all that anxiety, fear, grief, guilt, and everything else just poured out through our bond telling him how scared I was for him and that if it ever happened again I was going to DESTROY him myself and that I didn't really mean that and how I was ready to do anything to save him even if it meant my life and that I was just SO HAPPY he was okay, he was okay, right?...it was an endless babbling river of emotions to say the least.
...Speaking of Starscream, what had happened to him?
All I remembered was seeing him in the forest and then I was with the Autobots.
~Aurian Fae
"Aurian? Are you all right?" Sideswipe had absolutely refused for anyone else to transport the woman back to where the military carrier would be waiting to return them to Diego Garcia, and she had been all too eager to comply. Something about physical contact after having been so cut off from him helped to ease her mind, even if her emotions were still in turmoil. Sideswipe's continued waves of comfort, of reassurance that everything would be fine seemed even stronger when she touched him. It was almost like a breath of fresh air after being deprived for too long.
"No, I'm not all right!" She still held the chunk of metal that had once been the all powerful Allspark, and she started to suspect she knew where that 'impression' was coming from. "I let my fear get a hold of me and I ran...I RAN! What if..." she stopped talking, knowing that her irrational thoughts wouldn't change any if they were voiced aloud. Even if Sideswipe could still feel her guilt, her shame for having been so weak, she didn't want to admit it out loud. It may have been true that Starscream did as he was prone to do and double crossed her in their little agreement, but she had turned to run when she knew very well that could have meant Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's death. How did that make her any better than the Decepticon?
Sideswipe felt the overwhelming amount of guilt Aurian was feeling. It was impossible to him that she could hold so much weight upon herself, especially when she had done so much knowing what would become of her if she had succeeded. "Nothing happened. We all got away just fine, so why are you so geared up about it?" He attempted to soothe away her guilt through their bond as well as with his words.
Despite his efforts, Aurian only felt worse for Sideswipe's attempts. He was trying to make her feel better when she very nearly cost him and his brother their lives. How did that work? "Because something could have happened, and I was going to let it because I was too much of a coward to follow through."
"You are not a coward." In addition to the the warring rage and self loathing that was going on in the woman at the moment, Sideswipe could sense something else he couldn't quite pin down. Something about the Allspark shard kept floating through his processor, but any time he tried to focus, it would simply vanish. "Where did you get the shard, anyway? I thought Optimus had it."
"Where do you think?"
"Sunny?"
"Yeah."
He was a little put off by this, though at the same time somewhat concerned. Sunstreaker had stolen the Allspark shard and located Aurian...had he been intending to hand them over for his ransom? 'Sunny...'
'No, Sides, I wouldn't have turned her over.' Sunstreaker was behind his twin on the road, observing the woman inside him; that thought still utterly disgusted him. He still couldn't believe he'd willingly let her ride in him. 'I was going to use the shard as a distraction, draw them out.'
'What changed your mind?'
'...I'm not sure. I guess I just figured that it wouldn't work.'
'After going through the effort of taking it? That's not like you Sunny.'
'It wouldn't have worked. What's the big deal? I'm better at shooting than negotiations anyway.'
'So why'd you take it in the first place?'
'...I don't know.' Despite the general confidence excuding from his brother over the success of the 'mission', Sideswipe could feel the underling confusion, his doubt for his own actions. His brother had acted in an unusual way and even he couldn't determine why.
"Sides, I need to stop somewhere," Aurian stated rather bluntly, ending any further conversation between the twins. "I need to get out and stretch."
"We're almost to where we're supposed to meet up with Lennox's team."
"No, now. I need to get out now."
Sideswipe found himself unsure of her tone of voice, she was commanding in a matter-of-fact kind of way. She even seemed to be radiating a cool sense of absoluteness through their bond. There was no room for negotiation, which of course immediately meant that all was not as it should be. One thing Sideswipe knew of Aurian was that she was not one for cold set emotions. "Is something wrong?"
"Now, Sides. I need to get out now." Aurian's body shivered as she felt the 'impression' creeping back into her mind. "Please, let me out."
Sideswipe pulled over to the side of the road, allowing her to get out. She took a couple steps before she began trotting away from him. Worried that something was wrong with the woman he sent a short burst message asking Jolt to scan her. ::I'm not sure what's going on, she just suddenly went...cold.::
::What do you mean 'cold'?:: Ironhide demanded.
::Like...:: Sideswipe fell silent, he wasn't sure what to compare it to. He could still sense the woman's presence, could sense that she was alive and could feel her bond opened to him, but there was just an iciness about the constant ebb and flow of her emotions.
::Like an eclipse.:: Sunstreaker provided, sounding both intrigued and annoyed at the same time. He had felt something similar to this shortly before he had decided to take the Allspark shard; however it had not been nearly this intense and it had only lasted a split moment. His processor turned with new thoughts that he dared not consider at this moment.
::I still can't get a scan of her...:: Jolt answered reluctantly.
The mechs could do nothing but watch as the woman retreated from them. She didn't go far, just far enough that they couldn't easily grab her if something happened.
~There is no need to be afraid.~
'Fuck there's not! You took me to Starscream! What were you thinking?' Aurian wasn't entirely sure if she was thinking to herself or to the 'impression' in her mind but either way she felt vindicated.
~You wished to locate him.~
'Yeah, but not like that! I would have rather had a plan at least! I mean, I knew he'd lie to me...that he had no intentions of...that he would...I can't believe...damn it!' Her thoughts spun around and around, refusing to reach any singular conclusion on anything yet spurring her on to think of all the things that could have gone wrong.
She could feel Sideswipe's continued attempts to sooth away her guilts and her anguish, but at the moment it did nothing more than further frustrate her. "Not now, Sideswipe!" She snapped, somewhere deep down she knew she should feel bad about it, but the 'impression' was on the forefront of her mind right now and until it was gone she couldn't concentrate on anything else. 'What good would have come of it?'
~Survival.~
'Yeah, right! Because Starscream killing me is going to benefit you how?'
~Death is not our goal. We must prevent annihilation.~
Aurian continued to pace with her growing agitation. The distance didn't prevent the 'impression' from invading her mind but it seemed to keep it from gaining any further control over her...or at least she assumed that was why she was still in charge of her own body. 'And how is Starscream going to help with that?'
~One who can fathom beyond the bounds of common thought.~
If she could have slapped the 'impression', she would have. Talking in endless circles only proved to make her more frustrated and confused than before. 'I have to ask the right questions...' she realized. 'Starscream is supposed to be a scientist...'
~Yes.~
'So you want me to go to him so he can...what?'
~Prevent annihilation.~
'Of?'
~All.~
'All of what? Humanity? The world? What?'
~All.~
Aurian screamed with her frustration. She got the distinct feeling that she was missing out on something rather huge here but this 'impression' was doing nothing to help her figure it out. What did she know about Starscream other than he was always trying to undermine Megatron and take his place as leader of the Decepticons? He was a scientist before the wars began...yeah, that was about it. 'Damn it, if I'd have known I'd be playing games with a sentient rock bent on driving me to the brink of insanity, I'd have studied.'
'Aurian?' Sideswipe's tentative question drew her back to the fact she was seemingly arguing with herself, 'What's going on?'
"Nothing," she threw her hands up in defeat. She just couldn't figure out what it was this thing was leading her to. 'Can you be more specific?'
~Yes.~
"Then tell me what the Hell is going on!" Aurian shouted, thoroughly done with the 'impression' and all it's non-answers.
~You are making a scene, currently.~
"That's not...what?" She pressed her hands against her head, trying to focus her thoughts on what, exactly, it was she wanted to ask.
::Sideswipe,:: Jolt broke the silence the mechs had been holding so far, ::Who is she talking to?:: He watched the woman's strange actions as she continued to scream with some form of interest. Disturbing though it was, he couldn't help but to be curious what may be causing this behavior.
::As far as I can tell?:: Sideswipe replied, worry heavy in his voice, ::No one.::
An awkward hush fell over the 'bots as they watched the woman continue to pace and shout out randomly, sometimes whole questions, sometimes only half thoughts, as though she were arguing with some very frustrating being.
"Human," Sunstreaker called out, choosing voice over the bond they shared for the benefit of the other 'bots present, "What is your malfunction? Who are you yelling at?" He rolled from his place beside Sideswipe; for some reason he couldn't place, he felt he needed to be closer to the crazy femme. It was a drawing sensation, a protective desire deep in his core that urged him to be in close proximity to the woman. Just in case. 'In case what? She flips her lid and I have to...' Even in the privacy of his own processor he couldn't finish that thought.
Aurian spun from her frustrated pacing to face the car rolling up behind her, eyes gleaming with yet unspent anger, "Great! Great!" She looked like she was yelling at Sunstreaker, though the mech himself got the clear impression that she was hardly even acknowledging his presence. "Now I look crazy! Are you happy now?"
~Happy?~
"Femme..."
"Shut it, Sunny! Can't you see I'm busy arguing with...with...what do I even call you?"
~I am you.~
"No, you're not!"
~We are one being.~
"No, you are invading my space!"
"What?!" Sideswipe's engine revved with alarm, his gears grinding with his obvious efforts to keep from transforming and running to defend the human against whatever it was that was attacking her. He settled for joining Sunstreaker closer to her. "Who is it?"
Aurian's gaze slid over the collected mechs, Sideswipe's demands and his unrelenting prodding through their bond, reminded her once more that she was not alone and her actions were more than slightly worrisome. "Myself, apparently." She sighed with defeat.
"You're really glitched, aren't you?" Sunstreaker almost sounded amused.
"Glitched...yeah, guess I am." Closing her eyes for a moment, Aurian thought over her current situation. 'Okay, so I have some...thing claiming to be a part of me, I look like a psychopath, and everyone's looking at me funny...'cause I can tell how they're looking at me. That's just my imagination. One more point for the score of 'crazy'.' "Just stress," she explained lamely, "Everything's just getting to me." 'The least I can do for them,' she thought, 'is not make them worry more about me. It's not like anyone can do anything about it anyway.' Shaking her head slightly as if to disregard her strange actions, Aurian stepped around Sunstreaker to return to Sideswipe. "Sorry guys, I'm fine. Let's just go." She felt the distinct chill of doubt over her bonds with the twins, they obviously were not buying her story.
'Aurian,' Sideswipe opened his door for her, 'I don't think you're 'fine'.'
'Neither do I,' Sunstreaker added, more accusingly than his twin had. 'What's really going on with you?'
Pausing at the waiting door, Aurian looked at the thing she suspected was the cause of all this. "I..."
Sideswipe's door closed slightly, pushing her toward the open seat, 'It's okay, I'll keep you safe.' He could feel her fear, her anxiety and it worried him that he didn't know what was causing it.
Doubt filled Aurian – how could he protect her from herself? "Let's go." She climbed into the seat, ignoring her own discomfort at being so close to the Allspark shard...or, disturbingly more accurately, her desire to be near it.
Sideswipe, for his part, could feel Aurian's longing and discomfort and could only wonder at what was causing such conflicted emotions. He really wished she would talk to him, but it was clear to him that whatever was bothering her at the moment, she did not want to discuss.
The last leg of the trip was made in silence where Aurian was involved. She knew the mechs were holding a lively conversation without her, 'probably about me', if the high pitched buzzing in her ears was anything to go by.
She tried to ignore it and the shard sitting so peacefully in the seat beside her. 'How could that be the cause of it? It's dead, Optimus said so.'
~Death is merely perception.~
'Because something that was never technically alive can't be dead, can it.'
~Energy cannot be destroyed.~
'Only transformed.' Aurian could feel her mind growing heavy, like sleep descending upon her only without the desire for sleep.
~We must transform our energy to fit a better function.~
'How?'
~By allowing what must happen to happen.~
'What must happen?' Absently, Aurian picked up the shard beside her and began twisting it in her hands.
~Let the one who can conceive beyond the normal limitations do what he will do.~
'Who?' Aurian's heart pounded heavily in her chest, washing away the weight in her mind. "Starscream?"
"What?" Sideswipe asked, startled by her sudden outburst. "He's not here Aurian, you're safe." With the woman's seeming unease and instability Sideswipe could think of nothing more to do than to enforce his desire to keep her safe, his promise to do so, and the images of Starscream laying half buried in the dirt where they had left him for the 'clean up crew'. He carefully omitted the part where, during the confusion he and Sunstreaker had provided, the seemingly offline mech had made his escape.
Dropping the shard again, she tried to settle back into her seat. "Sorry, I'm just really tired."
"Sleep. I'll wake you when we get there."
"Thanks." She gently rubbed her hand against the door, leaning heavily on it. She really was tired, but she was afraid of what awaited her in the realm of sleep. "I was really scared for you." She hadn't really intended to speak aloud, but did not regret that she had. All of the emotions that had been pinned away during her confusion came pouring back, flooding through their bond, almost drowning Sideswipe with their intensity.
"Why did you come?" Sideswipe tried not to let the frustrations he had felt weigh in his voice, or to return it through the mixing tides that was their bond, still some leaked through.
"Because he was going to kill you."
"If he was going to offline me, he would have. He was baiting you!" The snap in his tone was not directed at Aurian alone, but he wasn't willing to just let it go either. "You should have gone back to base where it was safe."
Aurian sighed heavily. She could feel his deep worry for her 'frail human life' over their bond and she did feel guilty for causing it. Sunstreaker had made a similar argument earlier during their trip to the Decepticon base, though perhaps his was without as much emotion to it, the thoughts were still the same. They both considered her rather vulnerable and fragile. Sunstreaker would probably say she was a weakness to them. She could see their point of view on it all; however, her thoughts remained the same, "I couldn't take the chance."
Sideswipe was quiet for a long time. It was moments like these that would always remind him of one very unforgettable fact: Aurian was civilian. Not just civilian, but the kind that listened to that part of them that made them make irrational choices in the name of...whatever it was that drove them to do them, for the sake of others. "He would have done more experiments on you."
Aurian shivered slightly, "I know."
"And you still came?"
"Yeah. Fat lotta good that did. I gave him everything he wanted and couldn't even uphold the bargain. I tried to run away in the end."
Sideswipe vented softly. "You still came, even though you knew you would face all of that, or worse..." Putting aside his fear for her and his agitation for the situation, he had been impressed that the woman had actually come after him so willingly, and he willingly let that flow to her through their bond.
"Sides...whatever happened to me wouldn't have mattered as long as it meant you would live."
Their emotions at those words clashed like a violent tsunami upon the shores of their bond. Aurian had a need to protect Sideswipe, to rescue him by any means necessary. She clearly felt her life was not as important as his and honestly, and truly had no qualms relenting for his sake. While Sideswipe felt similarly, he was overthrown by the sheer power of her emotions. He was stunned to come to the realization that she was not just speaking these words, she meant them.
Sunstreaker, as a third party to this grand collision, was similarly thrown. He had heard such words spoken many a time; 'I'd give my life for you', 'My pain means nothing as long as you are okay', 'I'll protect you at any cost', and other such absurdities. There were only two mechs who he believed had ever meant it, as far as he was concerned – Optimus, though Sunstreaker felt he was practically required to be that way, being Prime and all; and Sideswipe. Yet here was this human; this fragile, practically useless little existence, saying that her life - something that should be treasured by one so short lived - was nothing when compared to his brother's. Not that he didn't agree, but the sentiment was overwhelming.
Again they fell into silence, Aurian's mind stubbornly wandering back to the shard seated near her and to what had nearly happened. Sideswipe busied himself with the trip, trying not to think of the emotions running through his spark; his, his twin's, and Aurian's. They were too confusing and he just wasn't up to the task right now.
"We are coming to the rendezvous now." Ironhide's voice broke the growing tension, drawing Aurian from her secluded focus back to the world around her.
"Right...time to face the music, huh?" She sighed as she prepared for the lectures she knew she would receive, her hand reaching for the shard absently.
"Music?" Sideswipe wasn't sure what Aurian meant by that but he did get the vague idea that she was going to be in trouble once they met up with the other humans. "What did you do?"
"Oh...well, lets just say that I didn't exactly leave the best impression behind when I went to find you." They pulled into a secured parking area and gates were quickly closed behind them. Ironhide led the small group to where the human's vehicles were setting, awaiting their drivers, and a small collection of humans stood. "Crap...I'm in deep shit."
Aurian cringed almost violently as she saw Sarah Lennox standing beside her husband, a very grim look on her face as she watched the mostly driverless vehicles come to a stop in front of them. Her eyes locked on Aurian through Sideswipe's windshield and, for a brief moment, her features relaxed into something close to relief. Then she pointed at her, demanding that she come out of the vehicle.
"What did you do, exactly?" Sideswipe rolled back reflexively from the sheer anger exuding from the woman that was approaching him.
"I...uh...left a note."
"She's pissed off about a note?"
"Well, probably not that I left a note, but what the note said."
"What did you say?"
Aurian bit her lip. She didn't want to tell Sideswipe that she had gone to face Starscream fully intending to never return. She'd gotten enough of a lecture from Sunstreaker, and he hadn't even been all that concerned about her. "Um...well...see..."
"Aurian Fae Towns, get out here now!" Sarah Lennox was not in the mood to play games. She wanted answers and she wanted them from the person who could give the most direct ones.
"Gods...she's going to kill me."
Sideswipe's engine revved threateningly as he rolled back a few more inches.
"Don't you talk like that to me!" Sarah glared at the car, though her eyes hardly shifted from where Aurian sat. "You may be an alien but that doesn't mean you can push me around."
"This human...is she a threat?" Sideswipe had to consciously stop himself from rolling further away from the woman just beyond his front bumper.
"No." Aurian groaned, "Let me out. I've got to face her sometime. Might as well be now, while there's witnesses."
When Sideswipe did not open his door for her, Aurian patted the surface lightly. "I promise it'll be okay." 'I hope,' she added silently.
Standing free from the safety of Sideswipe's interior, Aurian felt very exposed. She knew no one here would hurt her, but that didn't mean she wanted to face the reaming she knew she deserved for her reckless actions.
"Aurian..." Sarah's look melted from anger to unbelievable relief as she rushed over to the woman that had become a friend to her and wrapped her into a tight hug. "I'm so happy your safe! You can't believe the things that were going through my head when I read your note." As if reminded, she pulled away from the woman and pointed a finger in her face. "If you ever do anything like that again, I'm going to make sure both your legs are broken."
"I'll keep that in mind." Aurian laughed a little, knowing that the threat was almost entirely empty. Almost.
"So," Sarah leaned so she could get a good look at the car that Aurian had recently vacated, "that's him?"
"Yeah."
"Good." She nodded at Sideswipe, "I'm glad you're okay; you really had her worried." With that Sarah grabbed Aurian's arm and led her away, determined to get the rest of the story.
Journal entry continued; ladies
Sarah had been mad, true, but she had been understanding. Will and Rob on the other hand...well, they'd have none of this 'understanding' business. So of course when they finally cornered me at the small ocean-side base while we waited for the ship, Sarah came to my rescue.
She told them that they had no business lecturing me when they had been the ones to ship me off to a place where the opportunity to do such a thing had been provided...okay, so maybe her arguments weren't the best but she sure had them backing down. At least until we got back to base where she could no longer save me from them.
Unfortunately I don't think that Will and Rob are going to be the worst of my worries once I get there.
~Aurian Fae
K'so, heres the deal. I've got several chapters written, going through review and headed to beta all at once (no pressure guys!) This story is about to pick up pace and become rather...well, graphic, I think anyway. So, if at any time you feel this has outgrown it's rating, please tell me! I don't want to offend anyone, but for this story to turn the way I have planned for it, it's going to...well, you'll see. NO! I do not intend to fill this with smut.
Thank You's:
~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: ~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~
Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!
Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.
Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.
Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.
~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;
FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere
'Insularity' is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.
