Inukag Week entry day two: fear.
Fear
Fear.
It was a word that, for a long time, I didn't know the meaning of, and didn't care to.
Well, okay, I know what it meant, I mean I'm not a dumbass, but just in the sense that it was something that I never really thought about or associated with me. Being scared doesn't solve anything. If something scares you, destroy it. Hell, I wouldn't be alive today if I'd been a scared little coward back when I was a scrawny whelp. If I'd jumped at every sound, hid from every shadow and fled from the slightest danger, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now, wouldn't know the things I do, because I didn't have the balls to try. Being a kid was no excuse; I was on my own, I had no choice but to stay and fight most of the time if I wanted live to see the next sunrise. And okay, fine, those other times I fled and hid somewhere, but only because I knew I was in over my head and was smart enough not to tempt fate. And being a half-demon brat just made it ten times worse because things older and stronger than me purposely sought me out.
So, yeah. I know what fear is. But growing up a half-breed, if I wanted to live to enjoy my next meal, I being afraid wasn't an option, so I just…wasn't. That simple.
But it wasn't until later in my life, after I met a certain dark-eyed wench with a stubborn streak to match my own, that I learned that there were certain kinds of fear. Three, to be exact.
Fear for yourself; fear for something else; and for of something else.
Now I ain't no "dik-shun-ary," or whatever the hell Kagome calls that huge ass book she brought back from her time once, and maybe I'm wrong, but this is the way I see it. And if anyone wants to disagree, fuck 'em.
Anyway. Fear for yourself is pretty self-explanatory, so I won't really go into depth with that. And like I said, even as a whelp I can't really recall ever being truly frightened. I couldn't afford to be; I was too busy trying to survive.
Fear for something else, on the other hand, is completely different. Or perhaps I should say someone else. When you're fearful for someone else's life, a life in which was under your protection, your own life suddenly becomes forfeit, a sacrifice you're willing to make in order for them to survive. You can't breathe, you can't think, your body suddenly feels slower than hell, like you're moving through thick sludge, or your limbs are tied down by heavy weights. You don't think you're gonna make it in time, that you're too late, too fucking slow, and your heart just stops, and you're willing to do anything, anything if it means she survives, that her life is spared, and you find yourself prayin' to any God that'll listen to take your worthless life instead.
What was that saying? "The only thing to fear, is fear itself"? Pretty damn accurate if I do say so.
But then by some miracle, call it Fate or Destiny or some other such bullshit, you save her just in the nick of time and you've once more fulfilled your vow to protect her with your life. And the feeling that she's alive, she's in your arms, holding onto you so tightly and demanding to know if you're alright, it's….indescribable.
Fearing for someone else's life is, essentially, fearing for your own because she gradually becomes your life, your heart, your world.
…Keh. A-anyway, moving on.
I've covered fearing for your life and someone else's; fear of something or someone else? Now that's a whole other ballgame, to borrow a phrase Kagome likes to say.
I ain't ever been scared of nothin'. I've killed demons twice my twice and thrice my strength, took down the Band of Seven, destroyed what was most likely the greatest villain this time has ever seen, and managed to get through three long, torturous years without the woman I now call my wife.
To this day I still think that last one is my greatest accomplishment. Kagome says it's not murdering Miroku and Sango and tolerating their brats' infatuation with my ears.
And, well…she's not wrong. This is the part where we usually agree to disagree.
Anyway, that ain't important. What I'm trying to say is, being afraid of something is similar to the other two, but not the same.
It's much, much worse.
At first it appears the same; the shortness of breath, body frozen, paralyzed even, heart in your throat, waiting for the inevitable to happen, ready to jump into action at a moment's notice, whether it be to flee or to fight. So knowing this, it ain't a surprise that some people mistake it for fearing for that person's life instead of being afraid of them.
In some cases it's obvious; if you're facing off against something bigger, meaner and stronger than you, then you're probably afraid of them and you should be running by now.
In other cases, however, it can be quite different. See, instead of the thing being your ultimate fear, it can also be a weakness, something that can strip you of your power with a simple glance, a smile, a word. You'd do anything or them, bend over backwards, climb the highest mountain, and swim to the bottom of the deepest ocean. And just the fact that you're willing to do any of that is what absolutely, utterly terrifies you.
For some people it can be an inanimate object or what have you; a drunkard's sake, a wounded warrior's sword, or it can even be an invisible fear. A threat, a broken heart, doubts slowly crushing your will.
Then there are those who find their weakness in another living being. A husband's adoring wife, maybe. Miroku's a prime example of that. Sango's got him by the balls and everyone knows it. Though really it's anyone's guess if he's afraid for her or of her. Heh.
I used to think that Kagome was mine, but I've come to realize that she is my strength.
Instead? My weakness turned out to be little ears, golden eyes, and Kagome's smile.
Yeah, that's right. A kid. My kid.
My beautiful daughter.
Me, a fully grown half-demon who'd taken down demons with nothing but my bare hands, who defeated Naraku, married the one woman who gave as good as she got, was utterly and completely terrified of a little girl with the cutest goddamn laugh and rosy, chubby cheeks.
And there she goes again, giving me a goddamn heart attack every time she falls down in her many attempts to walk. Kagome was right there with her, though, ready to catch her and offering never ending encouragement and a kiss to the nose. Izayoi giggled, wind milled her little arms and spun around toward me again, taking one hesitant step forward.
I smiled and crouched down a mere three feet away. "That's it, Iz," I said and held out my arms. "Come to papa."
As I watched our daughter slowly take her first steps toward me, I felt my throat go tight and a prickling sensation develop behind my eyes. God, but this little girl really was my weakness. With just a smile, she could bring me to my knees. At her laugh, I am hers for her every whim. And whenever she said—
"Papa," she squealed and propelled herself the rest of the way into my arms, tiny fingers clinging to my sleeves and my heart burst. Fighting back the tears that wanted to escape for some stupid reason, I gathered her close to me and hugged her tight, inhaling her sweet scent, aware of Kagome kneeling beside me, her hand on my shoulder, my pillar, my strength.
Izayoi was content to be held for a mere few seconds before she started to squirm in my tight grasp so reluctantly I let her go so she could frolic in the grass, chasing butterflies.; a reward for all her hard work.
Swallowing the lump in my throat I watched her crawl away from me, babbling happily to herself with the occasional "mama" and "papa" mixed in – the only words she knew. Kagome settled herself in front of me and I sat down so she sat between my raised knees, my arms wrapping around her waist and my chin resting on her head.
Confident our little girl wouldn't stray far, Kagome and I were content to just watch her play, laughing quietly to ourselves at some of her antics. I couldn't help but flinch sometimes whenever she took a rough tumble or made a small noise of distress, and my body tensed as if in preparation to go to her several times, to save her from the unforgiving ground, but Kagome's gentle touch to my hand or arm always settled me down. It was hard, but she was a tough little girl – being half-demon had its perks, after all – and I know she had to learn to pick herself back up whenever she fell and not rely so much on others.
Didn't mean I had to like it, though.
Heaving a sigh, I dropped a kiss to Kagome's head, and when she shifted a little to the side and leaned her head back on my shoulder, I glanced down to find her smiling knowingly at me and despite myself I felt my cheeks grow hot.
"Keh," I muttered and she chuckled.
"I know," she said and brushed a kiss against my jaw. I decided I wanted more than that and dipped my head to capture her mouth with mine. After several heated minutes and successfully leaving my wife red-faced and panting, Kagome regained her breath enough to continue, "It'll get better, I promise. It's always hard the first time around."
I stiffened and my eyes widened as I stared down at her. "F-first time…around?"
My little wife looked rather sly as a smile slowly curled her lips upward and her eyebrows rose in mock innocence. "You didn't think Iz would be our only child, did you, Inuyasha?" Keeping her gaze on mine, she took my hand and deliberately pressed it against her stomach as her smile widened ever so slightly.
I blanched, and as Izayoi's joyous laughter echoed in my ears, the word fear took on a whole new meaning.
