Disclaimer: Drag Queen Ballz is a special brought to you by Bravo and RuPaul.
()()()
The road was long and winding. A "Long and Winding Road", if you will.
18, obviously, was reminded of the old days of driving around with Android 17 not long after being awoken for the final time by Dr. Gero. The scenery wasn't what one would call gorgeous- clusters of ugly canyons that created a picture not unlike where Goku and Vegeta first fought- but she tried to enjoy it.
And it would have been a lot fucking easier were it not for the annoying turd in the driver's seat singing along to god-knows-what.
"Justin… Justiiiin… HEY!"
"WHAT?" Justin screamed back.
"Turn down the music."
"Why? What do you have against jammin' good tunes, exactly?"
"You're an idiot."
Justin pushed his sunglasses to rest on his forehead and narrowed his eyes at the bailiff. "Hey, why can you just enjoy the trip? Roll down a window and stick your head out or something."
"So I'm a dog, that's nice."
"You're too much," Justin chuckled. "Well, when you lighten up, I might turn down the music. Oh hey, look at that sign!"
Indeed, just to the right, a sign said "Now Entering West City."
"WOO! We're finally at a city! We're almost empty, so this is perfect!"
"You are way too excited about this whole thing."
So they entered West City and stopped at the first service station. While Justin pumped, 18 entered the station to pay. The person she saw standing behind the counter filled her with awe.
"Hercule?" 18 blurted, as loud as 18 very well could blurt with her cool, even voice.
Upon seeing the android that nearly made a fool of him so long ago at the World Martial Arts Tournament, Hercule came far closer than any man ever should to shitting in his pants.
"W-w-w-what do you want…?" he asked in a voice that would single-handedly destroy his career if everyone heard it.
18 gave the man a funny look. But Hercule didn't find it very funny. "Why are you working at a gas station?"
"Well, I- uh… I want to help my community."
"Couldn't they have at least found a shirt that fit you?"
"No."
"Whatever. Here's 50 zenie for pump 6."
She handed him the money, and he took a look at it and gave it back. "I'll pay for it."
18 looked rather stunned for a moment. She wouldn't have pinned Hercule down as a generous person… and then she smirked as she remembered that Hercule still owed her several million zenie.
"Tell you what, pube-head…" 18 began, mentally admonishing herself for borrowing an insult from Justin's play-book, "I'll knock a few thousand dollars off of you little fee if you have any information about the whereabouts of… Mr. Toriyama."
Hercule gulped audibly and shook his head. "She really creeps me out…"
Flipping her hair back, she muttered, "Thanks anyway" and walked back to the car.
()()()
About three hours later, at the same store, Hercule was proverbially knee-deep in the process of cleaning up the store before his shift ended. The sound of the bell ringing signified that Hercule was going to have to humor a customer five minutes before closing time. There was always one asshole that had to come in and dick around until past store hours.
"Hey."
Suddenly, it felt as if all the blood in Mr. Satan's body had turned to solid ice with jagged edges slicing at his veins from within. "No… NO!"
Cell smiled at the distinct fear- the wonderful, wonderful fear- in Hercule's voice. "Don't I know you from somewhere…?"
Hercule felt as if he couldn't move. Whether it was the creature doing something to his body or his own fear… he couldn't even decide which one sounded worse.
"I'm sure I'll remember later. In the mean time, I was wondering if you could help me out with something."
"W-w-w-what?"
Cell walked around Hercule so he was in his eyesight, an action that caused Hercule to scream and fall to his back from his kneeling position, and knelt down to be at eye-level. He didn't want to miss a single detail.
"AH! Yes… you were at the Cell Games! One of the challengers I made a fool of." The monster chuckled. "Good times indeed. Now, would you happen to have seen an Android 18?"
Mr. Satan found himself struggling all at once with his conscience. "Maybe if I tell him, he'll let me live. But… what kind of man would I be if I did that…? At least I wouldn't have to pay my debt. How could I get myself caught up in all this again? No! I can't!"
"I… don't know where she is."
Cell's grin got a little wider. "But you know her?"
"N-no!" And he raised his hands defensively.
"You knew she was female."
Mr. Satan had nothing to respond with.
"Oh, well. I'll find her without your help. In the mean time, I wanted to have a little dialogue with you about your… victory over me at the Cell Games. Remember?"
()()()
The next morning, Justin slept in the backseat and 18 drove. It had been a long, loud day in West City yesterday, making 18's lack of need for sleep all the more convenient. Not to mention, since the boss was snoozing away in the back, 18 could finally have some peace and quiet. And she would use it to think.
But one can run out of things to think about after a while. She'd already covered everything, with still so much more driving left to do.
"What's on the radio…?" 18 pushed the button and the nightmare started.
"For those of you just tuning in, the World Champion, Hercule Satan, has been found dead in a convenience store in West City-"
18 skidded the car to a halt on the side of the road, jarring Justin out of a peaceful rest. "What the fu-!"
"SHUT UP!"
18 shocked Justin with her intensity and was ready to give the android a piece of his mind, until the horror caught his ears as well.
"…There are no details as of yet to the cause of death, but reports have lately been coming in that indicate that Cell, the monster Hercule defeated at the Cell Games over a decade ago, has been sighted in and around West City. While these reports are still unsubstantiated, they have caused a shiver of panic throughout the world. This reporter can only hope that they are hysterical rumors. More on this as it develops."
And with that, 18, unable to control her sudden flare of rage and terror, ripped the steering wheel out of the car they rented. "He's coming for me."
Not done with her fit, she opened the car door- or rather, tore it off its hinges- and stepped onto the open road.
"I should have known I'd have to deal with this again when I first saw him in court. But no. I had to not only keep watching the trials; I had to apply for the bailiff job too. If I'd just stayed home with Marron, none of this would be happening to me. FUCK!" And with that, she stomped through the pavement. "This whole thing is… just…"
Her monologue was stopped short with the sound of Justin stepping out of the car. "18, I just realized; I bet Goku, Gohan or Vegeta will stop Cell before he can get to you."
The realization brightened Android 18's eyes. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Or, better yet, why did YOU think of it before ME?"
The ex-judge smirked, unable to hide his satisfaction. "I have my ways. If I'm not the best guy for the job, I'm at least the most knowledgeable. Now, what do you intend to do about the steering wheel you just broke?"
()()()
"God damn it, quit doing that!"
"I'm sorry! You know how those pit stop burritos are!"
18 wished that the smelly Justin were off her back. Literally. They had been like this for about two hours, Justin riding 18's back like she was some sort of flying pony, and after the fifth burrito-fart courtesy of everyone's favorite judge, 18 felt as if she had more than repaid her due. "Are you telling me you can't walk, at least for a little bit?"
"18, we're nearly to the next town. It'll be over a lot quicker if you just grit your teeth and get it over with."
"The way you worded that doesn't make it sound any less awful."
"You'll see. We're going to find Mr. Toriyama, get his support as a witness for our case, and Cell won't even know what the fuck hit him."
()()()
"Vegeta, do you sense anything."
"*scoff* Obviously not."
Goku looked at the ground ineffectually, searching for the newly-remonstered Perfect Cell. But it appeared as if he had fallen back into the old trick of hiding his power level to look for Android 18. Of course, the only thing Goku and Vegeta knew was that he had killed Goku's son's wife's father.
"Agh! This is absurd! Kakarot, we're not going to get anything done by floating around all day and expecting Cell to just show up!"
Goku sighed. "Vegeta, we're near West City. If his power level hasn't flared, it probably means he hasn't gotten far. Otherwise we would have sensed him."
"So? He could have gone any direction away from West City- LOOK!"
Vegeta pointed behind Goku, at a certain two blondes floating uneasily away from West City.
"Hey, it's… JUSTIN!" Goku shouted. "And Android 18's with him!"
Vegeta wasn't as excited about it as Goku, but seeing the former judge riding on 18's back… well, it intrigued him, to say the least. He, with Goku, floated over to meet them.
"What the hell's going on with you two?" asked Vegeta.
18 groaned. "I really don't feel like answering questions right now."
"I'll bet you don't."
Goku butted in at this point. "Say, how have you been?"
Justin shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Other than being kicked out of my job and all. Did you ever find the ramen guy?"
Goku answered while Vegeta's mouth twitched, threatening a wicked smile. "No, I sure haven't. I haven't really looked around lately, though."
"Too bad. Anyway, I guess you guys are looking for Cell, so I'm just going to tell you right now; I think he's after her." Justin then pointed down to the beleaguered android on whose back he still resided.
"What?" Vegeta snapped with his trademark loud-assed voice, before appearing right in Justin's face, an act which put Android 18 in the not-too-envied position of having a face full of Vegeta-crotch. "But that's impossible! He's already complete! What's he hoping to become by absorbing that android? SUPER-Perfect?"
"Uh… not quite, but really close. Actually, I don't know. Look, the point is, we're looking around for Mr. Toriyama's house. Would any of you guys happen to know where it's at?"
"Gosh. I have no idea, but I bet I could use instant transmission to get you there."
Justin nearly fell off of Android 18 with excitement, depriving 18 of what surely would have been tremendous relief. "That's right! You can get us there because you know what he looks like! Awesome, I've always wondered what instant transmission felt like!"
Goku laughed and scratched the back of his head. "Well, it feels like nothing, really. But here, I'll go ahead and do it right now."
Justin reached out to grab Goku's hand, and almost immediately they were transported to-
"Where the fuck are we?" Justin blurted. "I can't see a god damn thing!"
"This is where Mr. Toriyama's supposed to be… strange."
Goku, 18 and Justin had been transported to a dark cave in an unknown location. The first thing notable about it, besides the total lack of light, was the tight, secluded feeling. The trio wandered about for a few seconds, and concluded that they were in a room of some sort, with the only way out being a hole in the ceiling.
Justin pouted and whined, using his two most prominent traits at the same time. Two bad tastes that taste like shit together, if you will. "Well, what now? Mr. Toriyama can't possibly be here; it's a fucking cave! And he would have heard us by now!"
"Quit bitching! No one here is in the mood to listen to any of that!"
"Shut up, 18, this is all your fault to begin with!"
"Why you-"
"I KNOW!" Goku's revelation damn near startled the life out of Justin and 18. Then the two were startled even further as Goku lit the small room single-handedly by turning into a super saiyan.
"I don't know why I didn't think of this before, guys. We should be able to see him now, if he's here."
But he wasn't. At least, not in person. But as the three-person crew circled the room, they realized that whoever found it and decorated it must really, reeeeally like Akira Toriyama. Because, holy shit, his visage covered nearly every last square inch of wall in the place.
"I have a very uncomfortable feeling about this place," 18 muttered.
"Fuck… how many pictures of this guy can there possibly be?"
"NOT ENOUGH!" Bellowed a voice from deep inside of the tunnel in the ceiling. Goku floated up and stuck his head through the hole. "Who's there? Does Mr. Toriyama live here?"
"…Goku? Is that you? I'm coming down!"
The super saiyan ducked out of the way just in time. A short, bald man wearing only a loincloth and copious hair everywhere on his body landed harshly on the stone floor, ass first.
"MY GOD, IT IS YOU!" He jumped to his feet and came at Goku with such vigor that Goku was dangerously close to mistaking it for ferocity and punching the man in defense. Upon being hugged by the greasy fellow, Goku nearly wished that he HAD just punched him.
"The savior of Earth! Akira's most revered creation! You've come to the world of the real at long last!"
Justin and 18, at this point, had taken a backseat to the freak show that was ensuing. Goku, incapable of getting more than a few words in edgewise, was taken on a sort of tour around the room, introduced one-by-one to the insanely detailed shrine in the cave.
"Okay, that's it." Justin growled after about twenty minutes of bullshit. "Hey, pal, I'm stopping the tour early. The three of us are looking for the REAL Mr. Toriyama."
The man in the loincloth shot Justin a dirty look. "I'll get to him in a second. But first, I have to show Goku the rest of my Tribute Room."
18 butted in. And by "butted in", I mean "aimed a blast at loincloth man."
"Listen, you freak, we need to talk to Mr. Toriyama RIGHT NOW. I didn't come all this way just to grind to a halt because some insane shit-head kidnapped the only man alive who can help our case against Cell. So you either bring him out or I'll wipe you off the planet."
Goku turned and gave 18 a serious look. "18, don't do anything hasty. We don't even know for sure if Mr. Toriyama's been kidnapped. Maybe he's just living here with this guy."
"That's fucking ridiculous! Why would he be living in a cave with THIS guy?"
As if on cue, none other than Akira Toriyama himself fell out of the hole in the ceiling, landing feet first on the ground with a box of Chinese take-out in his hand. "Oh. Hey, you guys."
18's blast disintegrated in her hand. "We've been looking for you for days. We need your help."
"Uh… well, what do you need help with?"
Justin mused to himself, "I'm not sure whether to ask this guy the plethora of questions that are floating around in my head right now or tell him our situation."
"Don't worry about it," shot 18 at Justin. Satisfied by Justin's shrug in response, 18 turned again to address Mr. Toriyama. "Listen, we're in a lot of trouble. Justin's replacement as judge, Cell, has returned to his old evil ways. He's been killing defendants, attacking cities and now he's trying to absorb me AGAIN."
"That's… pretty much what I wrote him to do." Toriyama noted as he munched on his noodles. "In fact, I'm rather surprised that he tamed down enough to hold a job as a bailiff for several weeks, much less be a judge for any period of time."
"…Whatever. Look, can you help us any?"
"Well, I'm not sure exactly what you want me to do."
Justin butted in. "Well, I want my job back, and Cell has it. 18 and myself want to bring a suit against Cell, and since you're so respected at DBZ Court, having you on our side would be a major advantage."
The bald guy in a loincloth was none too happy to hear about this. "Mr. Toriyama, surely you won't leave again!"
Akira smiled and patted the man on the head. "It'll take no time, trust me. This is the last time. That's a promise."
Justin couldn't take the curiosity anymore. "I can't resist asking anymore; how do you two know each other?"
Toriyama shrugged. "We're good friends. Both of us are comic enthusiasts and we've known each other several years by now. Anyway, are we ready to go?"
"Yes. Very much so." 18 droned.
()()()
"Damn you, Vegeta!"
It was like the battle between Super Vegeta and Semi-Perfect Cell all over again. Vegeta, only powered up to first-stage Super Saiyan, was making the perfect android look humiliatingly inadequate in his usual smirking Vegeta style. "Still think you can force me to tell you where that android is?"
"I am GOING to get that android, Vegeta, with or without your permission! And when I do, I'll do much more than merely knock you unconscious!"
As Cell was preparing for another assault in vein, right between the two warriors appeared Goku, 18 and Justin, with Mr. Toriyama right in tow.
"Hmph. It's a good thing you showed up when you did, Kakarot. It was beginning to get boring to toy with this inferior cretin."
Goku smiled. "Good job finding Cell. It must have been hard to search for such a low power signal."
Cell growled, inwardly beginning to realize that he was severely out-matched. Then he spotted 18, with Justin hanging onto her hand, dangling.
"Tell you what; you beat me in court, and I'll destroy myself. If I win, you have to give me 18."
And in that moment, before anyone else could react, Justin spotted his chance and took it. "I'll see you in court, motherfucker."
()()()
(Final Case: 18 and Justin are suing newly-appointed judge Cell for abusing his powers.
Plaintiff: Justin and 18
Defendant: Cell)
TO BE CONTINUED…
