Title: One Hand, One Heart
Rating: T
Warning- indirect mention of rape.
Summary: Rachel Berry never saw it coming. But then it happened. Now, alone and frightened she tries to continue with normal life. Then she meets a certain, curly haired boy. And everything changes.
Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Glee, if I did Jesse would still be there and St. Berry would be alive and kicking. But he isn't. From this we can conclude that I don't own Glee.
xxx
Rachel managed to avoid Jesse until third period the next day. He seemed to sense that she didn't want to see him and didn't initiate any conversations when they passed each other, although she did catch him looking a few times. Others didn't give her the same courtesy, namely: Finn. He hung around her all day, shadowing her footsteps, asking her questions she didn't particularly want to answer and making continuous jabs at Jesse.
Fortunately Kurt and Quinn remained close over the course of the day and sent Finn such awful glares that he soon scurried away with his tail between his legs.
She spent her free period in the library and it was there that she met Jesse, who looked up at her, shocked, from where he was putting a book away.
"W-What are you doing here?" Rachel asked, taking a step away. "I thought you had History?"
"Free study this period." Jesse returned, lowly, pushing the book back and turning to face her.
She was surprised by what she saw. Every time he looked at her, his face was always open and free for her to read as if it were an open book, but now it was guarded. He had such an air of distrust and discontent that she felt her heart twist a little at his expression. There were dark bags beneath his eyes that told of a sleepless night and she wondered if he could see how red her own eyes were. She longed to reach out to him and comfort him, but knew she could not, instead clenching her hands together behind her back to keep herself from going to him.
"How are you?" He asked finally, breaking the silence between them.
She shrugged noncommittally and he nodded, glancing away again as the silence fell once again.
"That text," His voice was low. "I figured out who sent it. It was Giselle." He shifted from one foot to another and glanced at her.
"I'm going to talk to Shelby tonight," She told him, finally and he sighed, nodding with resignation.
"I thought you would." He fixed her with a strange expression, a mixture of different emotions warring with each other for dominance; anger, resignation and a deep mix of despair and unhappiness. "You know what? I just… I really wish you didn't have to."
Turning on his heel, he left her standing there before she could ask him what his cryptic statement meant.
Xxx
If New Directions was still in rehearsal, Vocal Adrenaline had to be, so Rachel skipped glee club to make the journey across to Carmel. Pulling up outside in the parking lot, she clambered out and made her way into the school, bypassing the nervy looking receptionist with the words 'I'm here to see my mother' and leaving her stunned behind the desk.
Striding through the deserted corridors she made her way to where she knew, instinctively, the auditorium was, she pushed the door open and slipped inside. To her surprise there was no music playing, but as she edged closer, she began to hear the recognisable voice of her mother from the stage. It was lit up by the house lights and Shelby was stood in the middle of the stage, talking to the members of her glee club who were sat in the first few rows of the auditorium, listening to her.
"You want to win don't you? So you've got to put the effort in. Stanley is trying to teach you choreography here and he doesn't need your back chat. That's right Jones, I'm looking at you." Shelby fixed one of the group with a piercing stare and Rachel moved forward slowly, not realising when a girl from the club spotted her.
"Excuse me!" The girl glared at her, standing quickly. "This is a closed rehearsal!"
Shelby looked up and caught sight of Rachel, her eyes widening. "Rachel? What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you." Rachel's lips thinned out into a tight line as she stared up at her mother.
"We're in the middle of a rehearsal. How dare you come in here?" Rachel's eyebrows narrowed when she caught sight of the familiar figure of Giselle.
"Don't even speak to me," Rachel took a threatening step towards her, anger bubbling through her as she remembered Jesse's words in the library earlier. "You are despicable and I will deal with you later."
"Oh, I'm so scared." Giselle rolled her eyes and Rachel started to speak, but was cut off by Shelby's icy tones.
"Giselle, quiet."
Giselle turned confused eyes on her coach, but did as she said, sitting heavily.
"Rachel, what are you doing here?" Shelby frowned in her direction and Rachel replied, her voice still hard was barely suppressed fury.
"As I told you earlier, I need to talk to you."
"Now? Can't it wait…?"
"No."
Shelby blinked at her in surprise, but nodded slowly, climbing down the steps to join her daughter.
"Rehearsals end early tonight," She told the group, who looked at her, indignation etched on every face, none of them daring to speak up. "Go home."
After a moment's pause the members of Vocal Adrenaline slowly obeyed their coach's order, gathering their things in a gradual flurry of movement. Shelby didn't wait to see if her directions were followed through, but left them and lead Rachel towards her office with firm, purposeful strides. Shutting the door behind them Shelby let the blinds on the windows fall down and sat herself in her chair, gesturing for Rachel to take the seat opposite her.
"What's wrong Rachel? I haven't seen you since… well… since that day you came to my house. What happened after that? I haven't heard from you in weeks." Shelby's obvious concern made her bristle and she bit her lip to try and conceal her anger.
"I was in an accident." Rachel replied blandly, but talked over Shelby's worried words, saying dismissively. "I'm fine… I mean… it was quite an ordeal obviously, but I'm fine. I wanted to ask you, about something else."
"What is it?" Shelby leant back in her seat, waiting with interest.
"I need the truth," Rachel swallowed nervously against her dry throat.
"Truth?" Shelby's brows quirked curiously. "About what?"
"Jesse told me about you two meeting. Before I knew you were my mother you met with him and tried to make him join Vocal Adrenaline."
Shelby's expression was set and completely unreadable, an unfamiliar expression for Rachel, who wore her heart on her sleeve. "Did Jesse tell you this? I have to say I didn't expect him to be stoop so low, I thought that he would at least…"
"Don't lie!" Rachel cried, cutting through her. "I know! Why can't you just tell me the truth for once?"
"What's that meant to mean?" Shelby demanded, leaning forward. "I've never been anything but truthful towards you Rachel."
"No," Rachel shook her head, her hand going up to rub her eyes in distress. "No, that's not true. I know Shelby. I know that you talked to Jesse and I know that you told him that you were my mother and tried to push yourself into my life! What if I hadn't wanted a mother?"
"You would have wanted me," Shelby stated, more confidently than she felt. "You would always have wanted me."
"You don't know that!" Rachel shouted, stamping her Mary-Jane clad foot onto the plush carpet of Shelby's office. "Just tell me the truth!"
Shelby watched her for a moment and then, finally, gestured to the chair in front of her. "Sit down."
Rachel did as she said slowly, her expression wary as she seated herself in the same seat that her choir master and boyfriend had occupied. "The truth," She reiterated, once she was sat and Shelby nodded.
"I'm going to tell you everything."
Settling back into the seat, Rachel listening as Shelby explained how she had come to be Rachel's surrogate, telling her of her mother's anger when she left for New York, her money problems, her mother's cancer and how, when she got back to Ohio, Hiram and Leroy had offered her enough money to tide her over and pay off her bills.
"I never expected to love you Rachel," Shelby sighed, heavily. "And maybe that makes me a bad person… a bad mother… but that's how it was and there's nothing I can do to change it. But when I saw you, your little face all scrunched up and crying… in that moment I loved you more than anyone has ever loved anything. This little girl, my child… my daughter. I couldn't just let you go. So I waited and I watched… I remember seeing articles written about you whenever you won any singing competitions and I was so proud of you."
"What about Jesse?" Rachel asked, her voice low.
"I wanted him back on the team, of course, but when it became obvious that you two wouldn't be separated it seemed like the perfect opportunity to get to know you."
"Jesse said… he said you tried to persuade him to get me to join Vocal Adrenaline and leave New Directions. He said you kept pushing the issue."
"I wanted you both, you know you're the best Rachel and I need the best to succeed." Shelby eyed her for a moment and then said. "You could still join, if you wanted. We'd be happy to have you even with in your… situation."
Her eyes drifted down to Rachel's baby bump and Rachel felt a wave of anger flash through her.
"This is not a situation, this is my child." She hissed, standing so quickly that the chair almost toppled over behind her.
"Of course, I didn't mean it like that…" Shelby tried to pacify her, standing anxiously. "Please Rachel, sit down, consider my offer. Think how much more time we'd be able to spend together… as mother and daughter."
"No, thank you." Rachel spat the pleasantry out like it physically hurt her and slammed her way out of Shelby's office. She was heading towards the door to the auditorium when she heard the familiar voice from behind her.
"So, St James has been lying to you has he?" Giselle looked unbearably smug as she stepped towards Rachel.
And suddenly Rachel snapped.
Turning, she launched herself on Giselle with an inhuman shriek of fury, pushing the larger girl to the ground and screaming profanities as they grappled on the floor, hitting, kicking and slapping each other furiously.
"Rachel! Giselle!"
Both girls ignored Shelby's shouts until Rachel felt strong, hard arms yanking her away from Giselle, who was crouched on the floor, seething, her curly hair wild and static, like an angry cat.
"Jesse doesn't love you, he lied to you, you know it, he knows it and I know it. Face up to the truth little girl."
"Don't talk about him like that!" Rachel cried, Shelby's iron grip keeping her from leaping at the girl. "You know nothing about Jesse and I, nothing! You've just been spreading nasty rumours… lies, they're all lies!"
"Rachel," Shelby tried to calm the girl, who she could feel physically trembling in her arms, but Rachel shook her head, pulling herself from her mother's hold and storming away.
Xxx
"Jesse?"
Glancing up, the tired boy blinked at the girl before him. In front of him lay three text books, but he couldn't focus on studying, so great was his worry for Rachel. It sat deep within him, like a dead weight, pushing him down as he tried to carry on normally. One thing that was really killing him about the whole ordeal was the realisation that he depended heavily on Rachel in day to day life. Whereas performing had once been his greatest passion, Rachel now held that position and even while he still did enjoy performing, he couldn't become the ferocious machine he was on the Carmel stage here at McKinley. He'd found a new type of passion while performing with her, but with them both gone he had nothing to distract him from his worry apart from the monotony of studying.
"Quinn?" He frowned up at her, rubbing his eyes.
"You don't look good," She observed, frowning slightly and he shrugged noncommittally.
"Don't feel too great to be honest with you." He turned back to his book, determined to get something useful done while he was stuck there.
"Rachel wants to talk to you." His head snapped up and he eyed her cautiously.
"She does?"
"Yes," Quinn began to tidy his book away and fixed him with a firm, but kind gaze. "It'll be okay Jesse, I promise. You go, I'll clear this up."
"Where is she?" Jesse asked, as he stood, trepidation rushing through him.
"In the choir room," She piled the books in her arms as he grabbed his bags and levelled a look at him. "Go on."
Nodding numbly, Jesse did as she said, hurrying through the school until he came to the familiar door of the choir room, bursting through it with quick steps.
Rachel was stood by the piano, reading something, her dark hair creating a dusky halo around her. She was wearing a maternity dress that she'd tried to buy in New York, but he had insisted on paying for and the light material made her skin practically glow.
Coughing lightly to make his presence known, he stepped towards her, pulling the door shut behind him as he eyed her carefully. The moment she saw him her face lit up with a smile and he felt his heart twist at the sight.
"Jesse," She took a step towards him and then hesitated, her lower lip slipping between her teeth nervously.
"Rachel," His voice was guarded, wary, as he eyed her, stepping further into the room, but keeping his distance from her.
"I… how are you?" She stayed by the piano, watching him closely.
He shrugged noncommittally, unsure of how to reply.
"I'm sorry," Her voice was soft and his gaze snapped up to look at her as she shifted from foot to foot, staring down at her shoes. "I should have listened to you. I understand now that you were doing what you thought was right."
His eyes narrowed a little. "And I stand by what I did. It was for you, all of it."
"I know you meant well," Her hand ran up her shoulder to play with a strand of her hair, a nervous habit that he recognised instantly.
"It was the right choice," His voice, while low, was still firm and she glanced up at him, frowning a little for the first time since he'd entered the room.
"Well… you thought it was… at the time."
"No, it was the right decision Rachel. Shelby's a bad influence and your fathers would have told you if they wanted you to know."
"It was my decision," Her voice rose a little as she argued with him and he shut his eyes for a moment, an incredible weariness flushing through him as he recognised the beginning of another row.
"And by telling you, I would have taken the right to choose out of your hands."
"You could have offered me the choice whether to know or not! You could have said 'Rachel, do you want to know or not know?' That's all it would have taken Jesse!"
Shaking his head, he shrugged and said, "Maybe… but I didn't."
"No," She huffed out a long sigh and when she looked at him again her expression had softened. "You didn't. It's behind us now." Slowly, she walked towards him, taking his hands in hers and squeezing them gently. "Let's just try and get past this okay? You know now and that's all that matters."
Gazing at her, Jesse felt something within him twist, another spear of something between anger and resignation flickering through him and he could barely hear himself when he said.
"I'm not sure."
"What?" Her deep brown eyes snapped up to his, confusion and concern evident in their swirling depths.
"I can't… I can't go on like this Rachel," He shook his head and she frowned at him, dropping his hands so abruptly that he felt a jarring pain in his shoulder when they fell to his side.
"What do you mean?" She demanded, taking a faltering step back. "Like what? What's wrong?"
"I just…" He ran his hand through his hair, pulling on the strands so that pain flashed through his skull. "I'm just so tired Rachel."
"Tired of what?" Her voice was small, scared. "Of me?"
"No!" He shook his head again, feeling the pain of a pressure headache begin by his eyes. "No… it's just. I never know where I stand with you anymore!"
"What do you mean: 'where you stand'?" She demanded, her voice rising as anger clouded her expression. "You're my boyfriend! I…" Her voice caught in her throat for a moment and then she said, more softly. "I love you."
"I love you too," He flinched a little, frowning with worry. "But just because we love each other doesn't make it easy Rachel!"
A silence fell through the room as they watched each other, until he finally said, softly.
"I don't know where I stand with you. Sometimes you love me and sometimes you can't stand to see the sight of me."
"I've always loved you," Although her voice was low, it was filled with a heavy bitterness and barely concealed anger. "I've never said that I don't love you."
"I know but… you're so hormonal Rache. I know it's not you fault," He hurried to add as she went to interrupt him. "I know that. But… we're both so dramatic that we clash sometimes. I can't stand you not trusting me Rachel."
"I do trust you…"
"No!" His shout cut through her. "You don't! If you did then you wouldn't have felt the need to run around getting confirmation from Shelby! I mean, damn it Rachel, you know me. Or at least I thought you did. How can you say you don't trust me? How could you even think that I would do something to hurt you so badly?"
"I just…" Her voice was quivering now and he noticed that she was holding onto the piano, almost as if it was keeping her steady. "I needed confirmation Jesse! I needed to know!"
"And hearing me tell you wasn't enough for you?" He demanded, shaking his head. "That's what being in a relationship means Rachel! Trusting your significant other! I would trust you with anything, but you wouldn't trust me!"
"Oh get off your high horse!" Rachel took a step forward, shouting at him. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me that Giselle was texting you!"
"I was trying to protect you!"
"I was trying to protect me too!"
"You should trust me to do that for you," His voice dropped slightly. "I don't want to fight like this with you Rachel."
"Then why are you making such a big deal out of it? Why can't we just move on?" She reached out hesitantly, almost as if she was going to touch him, but then she dropped her hand away.
"It is a big deal Rachel," He sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand. There was a long silence and then he said, finally, his voice low. "I think we should take a… break."
"A break?" Her voice was barely audible, even in the otherwise quiet choir room. "You're leaving me."
"I can't deal with it Rache," His voice was soft, like hers, more tender than it had been earlier. "All of the worry, the blame. I do love you, but this consistent arguing, it's breaking me down. I don't know from one day to the next whether we're okay or not. I don't know if I can go and visit my family for fear of you taking it the wrong way. I just think that it would be best for us to take… a break."
"No," She was shaking her head before he was even finished. "No, Jesse please… don't do this."
"What else would you have me do Rache?" There was an edge of desperation to his tone.
"Anything…" Her voice trailed off into a whisper. "Anything but this, please Jesse."
"Rache… I can't…" He tried to push away the clenching of his throat and the pain that spread through him at the sight of tears on her face.
"I'll do better… please… I need you Jesse." She reached for him but, cringing at the sadness shooting through him, he moved away.
"It's not you! It's me as well… I just need a break Rache. That's all. Just to get myself together." Stepping away, he took in a shuddering breath as he tried to compose himself. If he broke down, he knew he would cave to her pleadings. This was something he knew that he wanted. It hadn't been clear until a few moments ago, but now that he had realised it seemed like the clearest thing in the world. He needed to be away from them, from their relationship, just for a little while. To let them both heal from the strains of the last few months.
"A break," He said finally, his voice soft and there was a firmness in his voice that made Rachel look up. "That's all."
"No… Jesse…" She followed him as he started into the corridor, stopped at the door and shouting to him, her voice cracking. "You said you loved me! I thought that you'd never hurt me like this!"
"I didn't think you would hurt me, either." There was a deep sadness to his voice that made Rachel and those around him flinch. It wasn't loud, but his singer's lungs knew how to project and she could hear him easily. The weariness that was etched into every line of his body was obvious and as he turned to walk away, Rachel slumped against the doorway, her legs refusing to hold her up. Her eyes were blinded by tears so she didn't see when he turned to look at her and the tears that were running down his face.
Xxx
I'm sorry.
There is a happy ending, I promise! I'm sorry for the lack of updates recently, exams are just burying me.
Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter: dazzledpixie88, , assgroff, RandyFan20, ber1719, auhaes23, ilovepez, Soyli Oliveira, LTree16, Broadwayfreak5357, , TVHollywoodDiva, StBerry Lover24 and sillystarshine.
Shout out to assgroff and saintlina who were so kind on tumblr :)
I put a cover on this because otherwise my face comes up on fanfiction and I'm not quite sure if I'm comfortable with that. Tell me if you like it.
Reviews make happy endings come faster ;) Just saying.
Also- come and talk to me if you want to. You can PM me but I'm more likely to answer sooner if you message me on tumblr (you don't need a login to do it). The link is on my profile page. I'd love to talk to you and I'd hate to think that you guys would be scared of talking to me or anything.
Love you all and leave a review :)
Love,
Ray
xxx
