AN: Jasper and Bella talk.
Chapter fifty-three: Talk to Me.
Bella, August, 2011..
A nurse came in a couple of minutes ago to check my blood pressure. She suggested I wake Jasper up and have him move to the recliner. I told her I would. She wouldn't understand. This was the closest I've had him in a while and I didn't want to part from him.
I was in the middle of a chapter when Jasper began to stir. He was most likely uncomfortable from having to share a small bed with a pregnant woman. I was about to crack a joke about it when he spoke.
"Bella," he said softly.
"Jasper?" I thought he was awake, but he wasn't. "Jasper?" I tried again when he tightened his hold on me. "Jasper, you have to wake up."
He was still asleep. "I won't let him hurt you. Bella," he mumbled. "Please, don't hate me, I love you."
Oh God. He was having a nightmare. I could wake him up before he did something he would regret, but I wanted to try something real quick. So I responded when he said my name again in a pleading tone. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
He was silent for a little while and then he spoke again. "I won't let him hurt you."
"He can't hurt me," I replied. "No one can hurt me. You'll protect me from them. You love me and you'll protect me."
"I'll protect you," he repeated.
"Yes, you will."
"Please still love me, Bella."
"I never stopped," I replied in kind. "But you have to do something for me, baby."
"I'll do anything."
Good. It was working. He believed the dream me was talking to him. "I know you will, because you love me, right?"
"Yes, I love you so much."
"You have to wake up, baby," I said softly. "You have to wake up. Please wake up for me, Jasper. Wake up now. Come on, baby. Wake up and talk to me."
I prayed for it to work and I nearly fist pumped when he slowly opened his eyes and looked up at me. It took him a while to take in his surroundings and when he realized he was clutched to my side, he sprang up, frightening me. For a small moment, I thought I'd lost him and he was going start acting like the monster he had been for the last couple of weeks. But this was my Jasper. And he was worried.
"Oh God, are you okay?" he said frantically as he looked between me and my swollen stomach that held our child. "I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have fallen asleep next to you. I could've hurt you."
"You wouldn't."
"I can't trust myself right now, Bella. And you shouldn't either."
"Bullshit," I said defiantly. "You'd never hurt me. You'd sooner hurt yourself than hurt me or this baby. I see that now. Isn't that why you moved out of the bedroom?"
He looked shocked as I invited him to sit on the bed. I reached out for his hand and he gave it. I laced our fingers and sighed before I lifted his hand to my mouth and kissed his knuckles. I found him watching me intently. "What kind of drug is Zafrina giving you?"
"It's really good, but that's not why I did it."
"Then why?" he said with a sigh. "I could've…"
I held my hand up to stop him from speaking. "You were having a nightmare. You'd tighten your hold on me and I wanted to wake you up before you did something you'd regret. No, I don't believe you will intentionally hurt me. But unintentionally, is another matter. I talked to you. Whatever you were dreaming about, you were convinced I was leaving or someone was hurting me. Now, I'm not going to ask you to tell me. I want you to want to tell me…everything. From your dream a minute ago to why you acted the way you did or why you think you could've handle everything on your own. When did you get so delusional? I know you aren't used sharing your problems with the women you've dated, but this…" I gestured between me and him with my other hand. "…it's different. You've got to get used coming to me with your problems. Just as I've got get used to the thought you'd never intentionally hurt me. It might take us sometime but I won't do this again, Jasper. I won't let you come between me and my health or the health of this child."
"I understand," he said softly.
"If I hurt you by saying that, it's not my intent."
"No," he chuckled softly, but there was this weariness in his eyes. "I completely understand and agree with everything you've said, Bella. I love you for it. I'm just happy you're still here. You woke up. You woke up and you didn't run me outta here. And most importantly, you still love me."
"I do," I said sincerely, lifting his hand to my lips to kiss his knuckles again.
He looked like he wanted to say something but was struggling with it. "Wait until you're ready," I advised. "I'll be here." I smiled and Jasper smiled back.
Jasper hardly left my room for the entire day. I fell asleep a few more times and woke up to find him in the recliner, either reading or playing some game on his phone.
"You aren't checking messages," I said, observing his smile when the phone made a noise signaling that he'd pass the level he was on.
"No," he said, meeting my eyes. "I have been kicked off the team by Peter, remember? Rose is handling the business. Emmett is heading the practice and Carlisle is here at the hospital. Everything is being handled." He chuckled more to himself than me.
"I know. They've got it covered and Peter is pretty pissed off at you."
Jasper chuckled. "I know. He wants to kick my ass."
We laugh. It felt good to laugh with him. "I'm hungry."
Jasper got us lunch. Apparently Sue had come and gone while I slept. She refused to let me eat anything besides her cooking.
Afterward, we talked. Talked like we never have. I learned that the nightmare was about James and Ricky, the man who had kidnapped him, torturing me. He said he'd just gotten me free and was ready for us to run together, but I didn't want to go with him at first. "Then you changed your mind. You started to tell me that you loved me and knew I would protect you."
"Actually, reality me was saying that," I told him. "I figured 'what the hell' and gave it a shot. It was a risk, but I had to try. I had to help you."
"Thank you," he said, jumping up to kiss my lips. I laughed when he pulled away and he moved in to kiss me again. This time it was more. The way his lips moved against mine stirred things inside of me that made me wish we weren't in this hospital room. A machine beeped and we jumped apart laughing.
"What was that? Is that hooked up to me?"
"Yeah," he said, gruffly; his voice tense with desire. "And if it does that again, the nurse will come in."
"Oh," I winked at him and he laughed. It was hearty and my heart skipped a beat to hear it. It was a relief to hear such a wonderful sound.
Our day progressed with more talks in between the nurses checking on me and taking my blood pressure until Zafrina herself stepped into my room. She eyed Jasper with caution at first. Her face held a frown and I didn't like it. I felt defensive of him. She was nice to him before she left, so why was she frowning now? Was it because he wouldn't leave my side?
You know what, I didn't care. I knew Jasper caused this mistrust on himself, and I knew I was in the hospital as a result of his less thought out actions, but for some reason, I wanted to jump down the throat of whoever frowned at him or said something bad at him. I had snapped at Peter, surprising him when he had said my incident and the preeclampsia was Jasper's fault.
"He's fine," I said with a frown directed at Zafrina. Jasper was looking at me but I wouldn't meet his eyes.
"He looks like a deer in headlights," she observed as she walked over and picked up my chart, reading it.
"He's got everyone jumping down his throat. How would you be?"
She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Bella, you were in a stressful environment that could have been avoided if Jasper sought help when he became aware of his relapse. He could've hurt you. I know you don't think he would've. You came close to losing your baby. Your blood pressure was sky high when you were brought in last night and you were unconscious. I'm happy to see the medication we've got you on is working, but this…at least a part of this situation could've been avoided with a little honesty and less stubbornness. I'm not just here as your doctor. I'm a friend and I hate to see you go through something that could have been avoided."
"I understand, but I made bad decisions too. I thought I had it handled, but I didn't."
Zafrina sighed. "Fine. We're here now and we're moving forward. I love Jasper. He's a great friend," he said, looking at him. "I hate what happened to him, but he's got to learn to ask for help sometimes," she continued, looking back at me. I saw Jasper nod in agreement through the corner of my eye.
Zafrina spoke again. "Things aren't looking too bad, but I'm keeping you here for another night to see if we can keep it that way. We're going to do the ultrasound in a minute. I'm satisfied with the readings on the baby's heartbeat, but I want more information."
I looked at Jasper with the unspoken question and he nodded with a smile. "We want to know the sex of the baby. I know it's a girl but Jasper wants to be sure."
Zafrina smiled for the first time since she walked in. "Alright. We'll see about it."
She left us and I had a snack and used the bathroom with Jasper's assistance. Zafrina said it was okay for me to move but I felt lightheaded when I got up so Jasper never left my side until I told him to.
"Are you nervous?" I asked Jasper as the radiologist set up the ultrasound machine. Jasper snorted and I slapped his arm, making him laugh.
"Alright, I am, but…"
"I know. I'm hoping everything will be okay."
"Me too," he said with a kiss to my forehead.
"Alright, we're set," Dr. Packer said with a grin. The guy was very enthusiastic. He was smiling broadly when Zafrina walked in.
"Are we ready?" she asked, coming to stand beside me.
"Yes!" I said happily.
"We're a little nervous," Jasper admitted.
"It's okay to be," Zafrina said as Dr. Packer lifted my gown and then warned me about the cold as he squirted the gel on me. I hissed a little from the cold of it.
"Let's begin," He said as the screen lit up and he placed the hand gear on my stomach. He moved it around a bit and then my baby's strong heartbeat filled the silence. Jasper audibly sighed and then chuckled.
"That's my girl," he said and I smiled as a tear slid down my cheek at we stared at her form on the screen.
"Everything looks good so far," Dr. Packer said. "Are we ready to know the sex? I can say right now."
I looked at Jasper and he nodded. "Yes," we said together.
"Okay!" Dr. Packer smiled and looked at the monitor. He moved the hand gear around a little more and then said, "It's a girl!"
I started to cry and laugh at the same time. "I knew it! Hi, my little girl! Mommy and Daddy love you and everything is going to be okay."
Jasper held me while I cried and Zafrina wiped the gel off my belly before she and Dr. Packer left, giving Jasper and me some privacy. "She's okay," I cried into his chest.
"She's okay."
"Hope," I said to him because I couldn't think of a better name.
"Hope Marielle Whitlock. Is that okay?" I asked while still in tears.
"Yes," Jasper breathed with a wide grin. "I love it." He kissed the top of my head and then he kissed my lips and then he kissed my tummy, whispering to her, "Hi, Hope."
Maria and Rose were happy to know it was a girl. I spoke to Tanya on the phone. She was still pissed at Jasper but she was too happy about the baby to dwell on it. I noticed a tension between Maria and Jasper. Both looked like they didn't want to be in the same room, but I would talk to him about it later.
After they left, Zafrina came back to tell us her findings. I breathed a sigh of relief to know everything was looking good. There were no unusual abnormalities. Our daughter was, from what she could tell at the moment, perfectly healthy. I would still have to remain in the hospital until tomorrow at least. She wanted to see if we could get another night of good results for my blood pressure before she would be comfortable enough to send me home.
I didn't argue, even though, I didn't like hospitals, but this was for my daughter. I had to ensure her safety. Before I fell asleep to Jasper reading to me and the baby, I thought about my decision to stay even after he stopped acting like the man I'd come to know. Why did I make that decision? It was clear. I refused to abandon him. And while I doubt I would make such a decision again, especially being in my current state, I don't regret being there for him even when he was too dumb to think he could handle the pressure on his own. There was still a lot to talk about. But not at the moment. Right now, my eyes were drooping and Jasper's smooth voice was caressing me, willing me to sleep. I groggily asked him to climb into bed with me and he obliged. I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder.
"Congrats on the girl," Garrett said smugly as I rolled my eyes at him and smiled. We were seated on a bench on a perfect day as usual.
"Jasper's back. The real him."
"Because you two decided to stop being so stubborn," he said smugly. I rolled my eyes again. Garrett always had a know-it-all attitude but he was usually right. I loved and hated it.
"Quit being so smug about it," I grumbled making him laugh. The sound of it was almost musical.
We didn't talk for a bit, but then the smile fell and he grew serious. He turned to me with a sigh. "Bella?"
"What's wrong?"
Garrett sighed again. He had something to say. I knew it. "Garrett, just tell me."
"There's a lot to work out." He meant Jasper. I knew it. "Yeah, with Jasper."
"I don't like the mindreading shit."
He chuckled. "Tough. I like it. Anyways, Jasper went through a lot with Ricky, Bella."
"I know. It…"
"No. There's more. Aside from the physical torture. There was the torment. That's what sits with Jasper the most. The things Ricky said. The things he promised to do. It's what haunts Jasper."
"What did he say?"
"Only Jasper can tell you. It's not my place to say."
"But you just told me…"
"I gave you a hint. Jasper has to finish it. You need to understand he wasn't in the best place."
"That's understandable."
"No, Bella…" Garrett sighed. "In a way, he meant what he said to Maria, and on the other hand, he didn't."
"Maria…what?"
Garrett shook his head. "Ricky was a terrible man."
"Garrett, tell me so I can help him."
"Like I said," he started and I finished for him.
"It's his story to tell."
"Be patient with him. He loves you. He needs you."
I opened my eyes to Jasper reading my book silently. "Hey," he said, kissing my forehead.
"Hey." I sat up and kissed his lips. He returned it wholeheartedly, but pulled away when the machine monitoring my blood pressure beeped again and I laughed.
"We should behave if you want to get out of here tomorrow," he advised.
"Yes, doctor," I winked him and he grumbled something about me being too damn tempting. "It's good to know it still works," I said, gesturing to his dick.
"I can't believe you just challenged my manhood," he said in mock shock. "I'm appalled."
"I'd feel better if you proved it."
"I'd get kicked out of the hospital and you'd be in here for another three or four days."
"You'd be that good?" I teased him.
He locked me in his gaze and said with a smirk, "Do you doubt me, ma'am?"
"Not at all," I whispered pulling him into a kiss that was stopped by the nurse clearing her throat from the doorway. Jasper got out of my bed. She smiled and shook her head at Jasper. I giggled at him for looking scolded and he smirked at me, making the machine beep again. Was it connected to my libido or something?
"Behave," Jasper mouthed. "Calm."
I followed his instructions and after the nurse took her reading, she left. I started to think about Garrett and the dream in an attempt to get my mind off of the things I'd love Jasper to do to me. I guess I was out of it because Jasper had to snap his fingers in front of me to respond. "Did you hear me?" he asked.
"Huh?" was my eloquent response.
"I was asking where you were. You look so far away."
I could lie to him. I doubt bringing up Ricky would help our situation, but I wanted it out my head. I wanted Jasper to tell me what Garrett wouldn't.
I turned slightly, looking him square in the eye as he sat in the recliner, looking at me expectantly. I sighed and began when I thought it was time. "What happened with Maria?"
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. Finally he sighed and got up. He paced the room a little and I thought it meant he wasn't ready to talk, but when he came and sat on my bed, he began, "She wanted to talk to me about Ricky. She thinks my relapse is on account of me not dealing with things properly. She thought I haven't been honest with who to blame for what happened."
I saw where this was going. It was in Maria's voice when we last spoke. She felt that she should be blamed for what was happening to Jasper.
"I admitted it, Bella," he confessed. "I told her I blamed her and hated her. I told her while she loved me and it helped, a part of me still blamed her for what happened. Ricky beat it into me, Bella. He made me believe I didn't deserve anything good. He thought I was shit because I didn't belong to him."
"You understand that he only want you to think that so he could justify his deluded, crazed actions, right?"
"Yes."
"You don't sound like you believe me," I said to him.
"A part of me does."
"But the other part?"
"It thinks Ricky is right."
"Was."
"What?' Jasper said softly.
"He is no more. He's gone. He only lives in the depth of your mind. He represents what you see as failure," I said to him.
"You're not a loser. You don't fail," I said defiantly. "Jasper, we'll get through this. You have to help me though."
He looked as if I had shown him the Holy Grail. "How do you do it? How can you always find the right thing to say to me?"
"I honestly don't know. I just know that a part of you blames Maria and it's something we'll work out eventually. Right now, we're focusing on the now. I'm not leaving. You're not going to fail. And we're going to get rid of James. I'm tired of him."
"I thought about having him killed."
"I've thought about it too, but I won't stoop to James' level. We'll find another way. But if he goes out of his way to come into ours, then…" I let the sentence hang and Jasper nodded.
We continued to talk about Ricky and what happened. I learned the despicable things that man did to Jasper. The horrid things he said. I hated him the more Jasper spoke about him. We talked until I fell asleep and when I woke up, we talked some more over a late night snack. Jasper expressed himself wholeheartedly. He seemed lighter with every truth he spoke and every fear he revealed to me. He was letting his burden down.
I understood every word. I knew the torture and the torment and told him as much. I told him my fears and how hurt I was when he reminded me of my failure. He apologized and cursed himself for being so stupid to let me do that.
I felt closer Jasper after our long talk. I fell more in love with him.
"I can't believe I nearly lost you because of a fucking ghost," he lamented, his eyes growing sad again and then angry. "I was so fucked in the head."
"You were," I agreed, making him laugh.
"I was." He smiled and I watched the anger dissipate from his eyes. "I'll have to work with Esme if I want my life back on track. With admitting this dark secret, I'll need help, sorting it out."
"She'll probably put you on anti-anxiety pills," I commented.
"I really didn't want that."
"Did you have a bad experience with them?"
"No. Nothing besides exhaustion."
"Guess we'll be spending a lot of time together then." I smiled.
Zafrina came in and gave us the good news later in the night. She was releasing me in the morning. I would be monitored at home. I will be on bed rest and restricted to light activity. No stress. No strenuous activities either, which meant no sex. I frowned at that one. Jasper chuckled at me when I gave him a dirty look.
It was one in the morning. Zafrina had gone to check on other patients. The room was quiet except for the beeping of the machines. Then Jasper's question broke the silence. "Do you think you'll ever forgive me for what happened?"
I sat up straighter. "What makes you think I haven't already forgiven you?"
"How could you have?" He sounded so unsure.
"Because I love you. Because our daughter is okay. Because I'm not going to let you fail. What more reasons do you need?"
"None," he whispered, coming to kiss me. "I love you, Bella." He whispered against my lips.
"I love you too."
