Eight Months Later
"What happened to slowing down?"
"Fin don't."
"What happened to spending more time with family?"
"Seriously? Are you kidding me? You're really going there with me right now?" asked Olivia incredulously, shooting her friend a warning glare. She was acutely aware of having once more let her priorities slide and it didn't feel at all comfortable having it pointed out by someone who knew her as well as Fin did. "It's a conversation, okay? Elliot and I are having the conversation."
"Having a conversation or re-writing the freakin' constitution, cheekbones?" with a snarling smile Fin tossed his eyes. "You any closer to publishing this revelation?"
"I don't appreciate your tone Odafin."
"It's been nearly eight months since you started talking about retirement."
"I'm aware of that."
"You realise how many things have happened while you've been avoiding the issue?" he knew just which buttons to press and in exactly what order. Lowering the pen in her hand and sitting back in her chair she just glared at him. There was no point in attempting to dam him once he had started pouring forth that unique brand of Tutuola wisdom. "I got married is how long. Evie graduates high school in a few weeks is how long. Knucklehead Arliss learned to fly a freakin' Apache is how long a conversation this has turned into."
"Clearly your pep talks haven't improved than last time you decided to sit in judgement on my life Odafin."
"This about your Mom?"
"What?" she balked, still startled sometimes by how well he knew her. "No, no why would it be?"
"Maybe I'm off base. Maybe I'm out of line."
"The latter yes, probably, but it wouldn't be unusual…." smiling softly she gave him the green light to continue. She was curious. She hadn't even connected her reluctance to retire with Serena but perhaps it really could be the missing piece.
"There are other ways to help victims. There're other organisations outside of the NYPD, even inside it if you wanted. It's not you forgetting them. It's not like you're giving up the fight….." suddenly she was listening, listening with every muscle and bone and her tears filled with the chord he had struck, "…. you're not letting anyone down by just taking your foot off the gas a little. You're not letting your Mom down."
"I feel like I've made a difference, here, I think I have…."
"You know you have. You know the mountains you've moved, and that's your legacy. You just ain't ever gonna cure rape, Liv."
"I…."
"You'll die trying. You'll get to the end of the road and realise that there are still rapists, there are still child molesters and I just can't stand to see you regret anything. You got your dream, doll. You got everything I know you always wanted. Elliot loves the crap out of you, those beautiful kids adore you and all three of them need you. Life is good. You got a pretty great life and no one deserves that more than you do…" shrugging with a sage smile Fin added, "… just don't miss out on it fighting a battle we both know you'll never win."
"I have to go pick up Evie's cake."
"Elliot won't push you on this."
"Fin I really can't do this with you right now so…."
"So do it with him. You gotta trust him with this. You gotta lead it. He can't be the one who pushes you to do what you know is right. It has to come from you. We all know at this point it's just delaying the inevitable."
"It's not that I'm not listening to you all…."
"I know. I know it isn't…." smiled Fin with a slow nod, "… it's that you're not hearing us."
"If I'm not at the bakery by five then my daughter will turn seventeen without a cake and I'll pretty much wipe the floor with all worst mom of the year competition so…."
"You know if you were retired then…."
"I hate you."
"You want me to bring anything? Besides Melinda and my sparkling wit?" grinned Fin, wiggling his eyebrows amusedly.
"I'm currently contemplating rescinding your invitation so…."
"You can't do that. It's Evie G's party and she loves me."
"I'll see you tomorrow, asshole."
"I'd forgotten why we vow every time never to host another party at our house."
"You love it really…." smiled Elliot, helping his wife to clear away scatterings of paper plates, cups and serviettes as she chuntered to herself disgruntled. "Mouse had an awesome time though. All her favourite people in once place? The kid was in heaven."
"Yeah, yeah it was the happiest I've seen her in a long time. I'm really glad we did it."
"Seventeen years old. When the hell did that happen?" he sighed, holding open a black trash sack and shaking his head in wistful disbelief. "Where'd all those years go?"
"End of the summer and she's gone, she's out of here….." closing her eyes and then opening them to meet his Olivia smiled sadly, "….. I can't stand it."
"You hear Sammy tonight though? Talking about joining that wheelchair basketball team down at the community centre? His new little friend Ryan invited him?"
"I reckon that's the first thing I've heard him get excited about since he went back to school. I like Ryan too; he's pretty much the first new friend he's made in a long time."
"It'd be real good for him to hang out with other kids in chairs. See how they're figuring stuff out, swap stories, a little solidarity?"
"You hear that?" tossing a handful of plates into the bag as he held it Olivia furrowed her brow, "That a car pulling up? They better not want feeding."
"Probably Lizzie, she said she'd swing by around this time. She's got the girls' presents for Mouse and she said Kath sent a little something as well."
"She's so good to them….." and then, poignantly, Olivia added, "… too good."
"Liv don't do that, seriously, how many times have I told you?"
"I know….." smiled Olivia, always grateful to him for calling her out on moments of guilt. Eli had come to see her as a second mother over the years and it was no secret that his other children were equally fond. Kathy in turn, had become incredibly fond of Olivia's two. "You know she never once treated our kids like they weren't one hundred per cent a part of this family. Not even when Eve was tiny. I don't know that I could've held that much grace in her shoes."
"I know you could."
"Kathy Stabler is a good person….." and though he knew she thought it, it touched Elliot profoundly that she say it out loud sometimes, "… we got really lucky there, babe."
"Did I hear you say Lizzie's here?" bounding across the room to join them the birthday girl hung from Elliot's neck and kissed his cheek affectionately. "I'll go let her in."
"Evie there's someone at the door for you….." called Sam, also coming to join the group. Wheeling back and forth in his chair he radiated a strange nervous energy that went unnoticed to all but Olivia.
"Lizzie?" asked Olivia, narrowing her eyes suspiciously and already knowing the answer before Sam shrugged and replied.
"Nope, no guess again…."
"Who is it?" asked Eve, dancing down the hallway and throwing the door open impatient to know. "Oh my God….."
"Hey."
"Hi…." mouthed Eve, her entire face a smile as her eyes danced across Calvin's changed appearance.
He seemed taller, though she was sure he wasn't. He was certainly more muscular than ever and his broad shoulders carried it well. His hair was short, buzzed all over. Where once his chiselled jaw and fine cheekbones had been hidden by curtains of dishevelled hair they were now defined. His eyes were as blue green and dazzling as she remembered and his smile still that lazy, lopsided twist of mischief.
"Happy Birthday Bambi…." stepping forward, almost deferent, he presented her with a bouquet of perfect white roses scattered with dainty pink flowers she didn't recognize and sprigs of green.
"They're beautiful, they really are gorgeous….." she was gushing, she could feel it in the way her hands trembled and her cheeks flushed hot, "… thank you."
"You're looking good Evie G…." he flirted, despite having vowed not to, but he couldn't help it as he added with a casual but sincere wink of his eye, "… real good."
She truly did. Her hair was a little shorter, he determined, and she wore it well. Though it hadn't even been a year she looked older. Her face had lost just a shade of that girlish pretty and was growing into her mother's beauty. Her figure was a little fuller, and so though still dainty she was developing gentle curves. Yet it was none of this that he had to fight so hard to resist. It was the way her eyes danced, the way her lashes fluttered, the way he knew without her saying a word what that little smile meant. She still felt it too.
"I like your hair."
"Really? God I hate it…." mumbled Calvin with a self-deprecating eye roll as he ran a hand across the bristle of his shaven head and smirked, "… like it makes my head look like just a giant melon or something."
"I wrote you for your birthday last month…."
"I got it, thanks."
"But you didn't reply?" it was a strange, question, a loaded question, maybe not even a question she wanted answered. It held everything they were and weren't in its simple power and it hung unanswered in the air between them.
"So my Mom told me that Texas is down in Mississippi for a while?"
"Yeah, yeah no she's doing charity work or something. They like love nurses who can speak Spanish and English or whatever and they're training her up. She's heading down to Columbia in September to do some kind of aid work down there for a month."
"That's amazing, that's so awesome. I'm really glad things are going well for her."
"You know she's pretty much got Livia to thank for that."
"Yeah well my Mom has a nasty habit of believing the best in people and giving them a chance when no one else will…." and knowing full well she was no longer talking about Texas he smiled warmly. "Oh, but wait, where are you staying? Mom said you had Texas let the house go while you were gone…." trailing off Eve watched Calvin turn toward his battered old green truck behind him and gesture in explanation. "Calvin! You can't sleep in your truck!"
"Sure I can. Done it before and I'll do it again. It's like six hours down from Fort Drum and its real cosy in that back seat."
"I remember…." said Eve, surprising them both with her suggestive candour. She looked at him. He looked at her. They both knew what the other was thinking and they both felt suddenly uncomfortably warm because of it.
"This time last year, huh?" and with that curl lipped, wicked half smile he took them back to their first night together under the stars.
"My birthday is also our anniversary…." she could barely breathe, she realised, so stifled was she by blind desire. She wanted him. Wanted to run her hands across his skin, trace the contours of his muscled body, and feel his grip tight around her.
"Anniversary? Seriously? That's real classy Evie G. Not the day we met, not our first date or kiss but you're gonna choose the night I deflowered you in the bed of my truck as our anniversary?"
"Well when you say it like that!" she defended hotly, before breaking into a nervous giggle. "Shut up, shut up you're an idiot!"
"Sorry."
"I don't just mean sex…." came the disapproving eye roll from Eve before, as their bodies gravitated instinctively together she softened and confessed candidly, "….I fell in love with you that night Cal."
"You fall in love with anyone else since?" he asked, not entirely sure what he would do with whatever her answer might be. Not even sure what he wanted it to be. Like her question earlier it went unanswered. It was too dangerous. It was the spark that would light the powder keg they were trapped in. They were jumping through fire hoops and neither wanted to get burned.
"I…."
"You know what don't answer that. I shouldn't have asked…." came that slow, lazy toned drawl that made the hairs at the back of her neck stand to attention. She wanted him in a way she had never wanted anything, in a way she feared she would never want anyone else.
"Wanna go for a drive?" she said with a quiet, coquettish suggestion and heavy bat of dark lashes. Perhaps that was her answer to his question. His answer was already written all over his face; of course he wanted to.
"Yeah, yeah I do….." nodding slowly he felt as though he was physically holding himself back, emotionally binding his own hands in restraint, "… but we can't."
"Why not?" her chest was so heavy it physically hurt her, and her breathing fell so shallow she felt light headed.
"Because we both know it's never just a drive with us Bambi….." he replied honestly, loving her too much to lead her down that road again. The road to heartache. The road they both knew would end all over again once his weeks leave was out.
"Hey! Hey Hercules are you gonna keep the birthday girl out here all night?" came Elliot's familiar holler from the front doorway, before his face spread to a wide smile and he beckoned with his hand, "Come on in! Come grab a plate!"
"Eve?" he would've left, right that minute, she knew it with all her heart. One word from her and he would've found a way to politely decline.
"Tarzan what you playing at? I wasn't asking…." called Elliot, throwing both arms up in exaggerated incredulity, "… that was an order, solider!"
"You heard him…." smiled Eve warmly, giving a little nod of encouragement as Calvin set out down the driveway, "… hey Cal?"
"Yup?" halting a moment he turned to her, held her eyes, waited. "What?"
"It is really good to see you."
"Yeah…." he nodded slowly, and then as they both walked toward the house he echoed "… yeah."
"Laundry fairy…." knocking lightly on Eve's door Olivia pushed her way inside with an arm full of folded clothes and smiled, "…. can I come in?"
"Sure, sure course."
"How's my favourite seventeen year old this morning?"
"Tired…." said Eve, for want of a more accurate adjective. Sitting cross legged on her bed, still in pyjamas, she flicked through the various brochures and prospectuses she had collected from Brown over the years. "My party was awesome though. I had a great time, so, thanks for doing it all."
"You sound sad, baby…." her mother's soft voice of concern brought tears to Eve's eyes as she looked away and shrugged with a wordless response. Setting down the laundry pile Olivia took up a perch on the bed and crossed her legs. Waiting a moment, in the easy silence the two had always shared, she considered what to say next. "You wanna talk about it? Is it Brown? You've dug out all your stuff I see."
"I'm really excited to go. I mean it's getting really real now, you know? Looking at dorm rooms and figuring out which classes to sign up for and I even got a date for their cheer try outs."
"That'd be so much fun, wouldn't it? Cheering college football? We could all come up for game nights and watch. Your Dad would just burst with pride you do realise that?"
"What if I get a weird roommate? What if everyone hates me and I have no friends…."
"No one could hate you Evie G….." smiled Olivia adoringly, reaching to her daughter's chin and shaking her head, "… it's just not possible. They'll love you. One conversation and they'll realise how awesome you are."
"We were supposed to make gingerbread houses again this past Christmas and we didn't get time. I wanted to do that Easter hunt in the park but I forgot and next year who knows if I'll be home or not. I just know that this summer is gonna fly and it needs to slow down. Everything just needs to slow down because I have all this stuff to buy and all these things I want to do still and it's just all going so fast, it's going to fast and…."
"Sweet girl you do know that Manhattan isn't going to disappear while you're gone, right? We can make gingerbread houses next Christmas. Central Park does that Easter egg hunt every year and we've only missed what, like, three since you were born."
"I know it's just college. I know there are thousands of kids going off to hundreds of different schools. I know all that I just…."
"Three hours and fourteen minutes, maybe less with a good tail wind. That's how long it'd take me to get up to Brown if you called."
"Do you even get a tail wind in a car?" asked Eve, but her mother's words were not lost on her. Her face lifted, lightened, and she smiled warmly.
"I don't know but I know if you were in trouble I'd borrow a squad car and use lights and sirens. Maybe I could even do it in three hours if I floored it."
"Mom you're insane! That is not a legitimate use of a NYPD vehicle!" giggling Eve rolled her eyes and gave Olivia playful shove.
"Baby girl if you needed your momma I'd commandeer a Koala, fly up to Rhode Island and it would still be legitimate use of an NYPD vehicle."
"So nothings gonna change, like, you know….." lowering her eyes Eve swallowed slowly, then chewing on her cheek she lifted them slowly and met Olivia's gaze, "… between us?"
"Eve you listen to me, you hear me when I say that nothing will ever change between us. We are a done deal, you and me kid. From the moment you first fixed me with those baby blues you had me. Wherever you go, whatever you do, the one thing that will always stay the same is how much I love you."
"It's not how I thought it would be having Calvin back…." was Eve's own, funny little teenage way of echoing Olivia's sentiment. Proving that the trust, the openness was still there and her advancing years were no threat to that.
"No?"
"It's been so long. Like, seven months, three weeks and four days long."
"Wow, that's a pretty accurate account of time there, babe…." noted Olivia, always having been very aware of how much Eve had missed Calvin but still surprised that she had clearly been making off the days.
"Is it supposed to feel different? After all that time? Am I supposed to care less? Am I supposed to feel like I don't just want to jump on him still?" hearing herself, wincing, and then blushing Eve cringed, "Sorry, that was too much. Awkward."
"I don't really think there's a 'supposed to' about any of it, sweetheart. There isn't really a set of rules or any logic you can apply. You can't change how you feel."
"I mean it's fine. I'm fine. He was here and we were friendly and Sam is just so excited to have him to hang out with again and that's cool. I want them to be buddies I really do."
"It's just pretty hard for you to have him around again, huh?" sighed Olivia, cursing herself that she hadn't realised as much the previous evening at the party. She of all people knew what it was to be able to look but not touch. She had spent years locked up in that particular glass box pretending her feelings toward her partner were purely platonic.
"Not hard exactly, just….." nipping her bottom lip with her teeth Eve hesitated before adding, "… well, I guess a little bit like having a Christmas present sat under the tree you can't open. I'm glad he's back, it's awesome. I guess it's also just kind of confusing."
"You know what will make talking about how confusing it is better?" then, without waiting for an answer Olivia winked, "Pancakes."
"You're gonna make me pancakes?"
"No, no I'm going to buy you pancakes. Come on, get up, get your little butt in that shower and we'll go for brunch somewhere."
"Thanks Mom."
"Evie about Calvin….."
"I know, I know what you're gonna say. You don't even have to. I'm still going to Brown in the Fall and he's based up at Fort Dum and we're still broken up and nothing has changed but I waited all this time to feel differently and I don't. I still love him every bit as much as I did eight months ago and that hasn't changed either and it just sucks. It just sucks and there's not a whole lot I can do about it."
"Babe…."
"Does it get easier? Like, how long do I have to wait for that? The part where it doesn't hurt to even just be in the same room as him?"
"I wish I could answer that for you Evie. God I wish I could but I can't."
"I'll go get in the shower….." sighed Eve, dragging herself out of bed and kissing Olivia's cheek on her way toward the bathroom, "… maybe I can drown some of the suckyness in carbs for now."
"El? Elliot?"
"Hmm."
"You awake?" was the question she was asking, but as Olivia gently shook Elliot by the shoulder it was more of a request. "Hey, babe?"
"I'm here, I'm awake, I'm good…." he mumbled groggily, prizing his eyes open and peering up at her from the pillow, "… hi? Hey. What's going on?"
"We need to talk about this retirement thing."
"We do? Right now?" he tested. Propping himself up on his elbow she glanced to the red alarm clock numbers and saw it was just after four. "We couldn't stick a pin in this till morning?"
"Fin said something to me at the squad the other day about my mother…."
"Okay, okay hold fire. Let me get up, let me get coffee. You feel cold…." he noted, grabbing for her hand, arm and then touching her cheek lightly before getting up out of bed and retrieving his hoodie from the back of a chair, "… here, put this on. I'll be back in a second."
"Thanks babe," smiled Olivia gratefully a short while later, when Elliot returned to bed with two generous mugs of coffee. Holding them while he settled himself back under the covers she passed his back, held his eyes, and then leant over and kissed him tenderly. "Thank you."
"So he's thinking that your mom has something to do with you being reluctant to retire?" asked Elliot, rearranging the pillow at his back and then leaning into it. He knew they would be sat here a while. He didn't mind a bit.
"I think he's onto something. I've been just lying here for hours and hours turning it over in my head. It's not the way he thinks, that I'd be letting her down somehow, because I wouldn't. She wanted me out of SVU long before she died. Yes, yeah I admit there may be something in my not wanting to step off in terms of the work we do for the victims but I can get around that."
"We've talked about other options? Boards you can sit on, charity work, even Huang and that FBI position he offered to put you in for? There are organisations all over this city who'd give their right arm to have the kick ass former SVU Captain on their team."
"It's home, Elliot."
"What?" he asked, not because he hadn't heard but because he needed her to say it again. He needed her to say more.
"I grew up there same way Evie and Sam grew up in this house. I learned to walk, to run, to be the person I am today at that precinct. Every major event of my adult life has taken place while I was working SVU."
"Babe I am such an idiot that I didn't see this sooner."
"Then I'm an idiot too…." with a gentle smile she reached down for his hand, stroking at his wrist with her fingertips. "It's just everything. I realise that now. It is just everywhere I've been, everything I've done, everything I am."
"Cragen?"
"And Rollins and every other face we've seen come and go. It's every victim I ever worked with. It's where I first met Calvin. It's where I lost Calvin. It's where I met you. It's all those years we were partners. It was where I spent a decade so desperate to have a child and where I was the whole time I carried Eve. It was those people, those walls, that job that have grounded me through every crisis and disaster and it was the once place I could always go back to."
"It's home."
"El I need to trust that I can say this to you…."
"Go on?" he pushed, holding her hand and meeting her eyes.
"I…."
"Liv, go on..." he repeated softly.
"I've lost a lot of people in my life. So many people have come and gone but I've survived it. I've been okay because so long as there was SVU I knew….." looking away, taking a breath, she whispered, "… that I would never be alone."
"Babe…."
"You were married to Kathy for over twenty years."
"Are you seriously asking me if you can trust that this is forever?" he asked, more than a little hurt that her insecurities clearly still ran deep but nevertheless understanding of the fact.
"Don't you look at me like that, don't you dare look at me like me saying that means I love you any less."
"Olivia you talk about SVU being everything to you but to me you're everything. You just are. I don't know how I can explain that to you so you believe it. How I just wouldn't work without you. How you are the best friend I ever had. How you're the other half of my sorry ass. I know you're scared to death. I know you've lost more people than anyone should ever have to but you won't lose me."
"I wouldn't survive it…." came the quiet, but terrifyingly honest avowal from a teary eyed Olivia.
"I know that SVU has always been what was left everything else was gone. I know the 16th was the safe place you could always come back to. I know that that job, those people, that shield has been home to you for so long but Liv this is home now. This house, this family….." lifting her left hand he kissed her wedding band as it sat snug on her finger, "… this marriage."
"I think maybe you've always been home to me El. I just never realised."
"Huh?" he murmured, leaning closer to her, kissing at her cheek. "What's that?"
"Before this house, our kids, and long before we were married. I've been coming home to you for years. Even before you knew it, even before I knew it."
"Yeah?" he asked, always just so relieved to hear her talk. To have her open up to him and shed a little light on the darkness inside of her that frightened him so.
"What I had when everything else was gone? The safe place I could always go back to? Yes it was Cragen and Fin, yes it was the routine and the belonging but mostly it was you. After the shooting, after Jenna, when you were gone and it was just SVU I was lost. It wasn't the same, it wasn't enough, and it wasn't home anymore."
"You gotta take your time with this, Olivia. Don't rush into something you'll regret. It has to be right. You have to be sure."
"It is right. I am sure. I thought I was when I woke you up but now I know I am. Sitting here with you, talking like this, it makes me realise how strong we are. It reminds me of how many nights we've sat up making these kind of big decisions together. I feel like this is the right thing for us Elliot. The right thing for our marriage, the right thing for our family….." and then, because his voice, his opinion, his vote was half the equation she smiled, "… what'd you reckon? Where's your head at?"
"This is your call, babe. This is your decision. It's your job, your shield, your choice. What do you want?"
"I want you to come with me tomorrow to the Chief of D's office so I can turn in my papers."
"Seriously?"
"I'll give them six weeks. I'll work notice till August to handover to whoever comes next and that'll give me enough time to convince them it's got to be Amaro."
"Am I allowed to grin like an idiot hearing this? Is that okay?" asked Elliot, already doing so but feeling terrible for it. Like it was somehow being insensitive, unsupportive, underestimating just how big of a deal this was to her. He waited for her to reply to the negative. He waited for her slight, her to appear in any way affronted. Yet she didn't. She just smiled at him.
"Elliot it has been a really, really long time since you were top of the list. I'm not unaware of that. I know that all these years it's been the kids, the 1-6 and then you. I didn't always mean it to be that way but I realise it was. You have been so patient, so kind and so uncharacteristically tolerant and…"
"Hey!"
"You're moving up the list, sweetheart…." she smiled, almost teasingly, that dry humour she effortlessly breathed as she leant in and kissed him lovingly, "… you're creeping into second place and you can grin, and you can be happy I'm quitting, and that is more than okay. It's your turn Elliot. I love you and you've waited a long time for this and it's your turn now."
"I could go back full time? You'll be at home with Sammy?"
"You can do whatever you want and I'll be wherever you want me to be….." she nodded, with conviction, contentment and unhesitating resolution, "…. six weeks from now I will just be your full time wife and their full time mom. I'll just be Mrs Stabler."
