Chapter 45

It was the most horrific phantasm yet. She wasn't calling his name. She wasn't crying for him to hurry. She wasn't even angry at him for killing her. She just...hovered in front of him, staring into his eyes with ominous intensity. That was all. For what felt like an eternity, he was forced to watch her deathly face, and her terrifying scowl. He'd try to cover his own eyes, but she was somehow still in his vision. No matter what he did, he could not get away from this torturous apparition.

"It wasn't my fault!" He tried to reason with the specter. "I didn't know you were right behind Filion! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

It was no use. The phantom in his mind was unmoving. Nothing he did would convince it of his good intentions. Eventually, he lashed out in a fit of anger. "Damn you, vision! You're not Ilia! Leave me in peace! I already suffer enough on my own! Just get out of my head!"

It seemed like his request was finally answered. The monstrosity impersonating Ilia gradually floated away, but at the moment it vanished, a whole different feeling of dread overcame him.

Emptiness.

With the image gone, he felt as if he were void of any substance. All that was left of him was his emotions; his anger towards Filion for manipulating Ilia, his guilt for having ended her life and his sorrow knowing that he would never see her smile or laugh ever again. There was nothing that could consul him of what he was feeling. They were so overwhelming, that he sought for the one solution that would end all of his suffering, but he could not find a sword to commit to his deed. All implements of death were gone. His own personal hell was to suffer in the judgement of his own mind. Nothing less would suffice.

"Damn it all!" He cried out in agony. "Let it end! If the goddesses have any mercy, let me end it all now!"

In the darkness, the sound of thunder rolled through Link's mind. His surroundings started to shake like he'd never felt it before. The noise eventually reached a pitch that destroyed his ears, and the ground began to crumble about him. The earthquake was so vast and powerful that the entirety of the world vanished into the void. Link couldn't possibly figure out why it was happening, but despite his earlier protests, the first thing he thought was how much he didn't want to die.

It wasn't until a light began to shine from the heavens that things became more clear. A gigantic, feminine hand, which clearly was the source of the light, descended from on high. Without a word, it cupped the broken hero within its grasp, and raise him up over the shroud of darkness. Beyond the clouds, Link felt himself regain his identity and his worth. What he saw beyond the veil of night was almost indescribable. In the distance, he saw what looked like a paradise. Just looking at it made him feel peace of mind. Then he was directed to look below, along the path that led to paradise. It was covered by the shroud he was previously absorbed by. Then the golden hand holding him began its descent into the darkness again. Link understood the meaning of his vision, though he did not wish to believe it.

All that he was facing, was but another trial of the hero. He would have to stand tall and face it like all the ones before. Despite fighting against the likes of Ganondorf, however, this was one ordeal he vehemently wished he would not have to face. Taking on sovereign sorcerers with the power of a god, was one thing. Confronting your own horrific failures and learning to move past them was something else. On another note, he was going to have to face them by himself. No one would be able to help him like Midna or Zelda before. This time, he was alone.

"You are not alone." The voice startled the hero. It sounded so close...and so familiar. It certainly belonged to a woman, but did it necessarily belong to the hand that carried him? Why did it sound so familiar to him?

"You are not alone."

That voice...it comforted him. It at long last gave him the rest he needed.


The first thing Link saw when he woke up was the canopy to an elaborate bed. He couldn't remember going to sleep. In fact, he could hardly remember anything past when Il-... he still couldn't get himself to think it. He'd hoped it had all been an elaborate dream, but as he wiped the last visages of sleep away, he remembered very clearly his actions. He felt a stabbing pain in his gut, yet there was no wound. He sat up to observe his surroundings, and immediately felt woozy. Before he could even get a good look at the room, he felt the weight of his head force him back onto his pillows.

As his senses fully recovered, he saw his friend Ashei lean over to him with intensity to her movements. She appeared more worried than he'd ever seen her before, as did her voice sound as such when she spoke. "Are you okay? Do you need some water?"

Still feeling exhausted, he nodded lightly, and Ashei prepared a cup for him from a pitcher on the table at his side. She held it to his lips, and helped him drink it down. When he finished it, she gently placed it back on the table. "What happened to me?"

She figured he was referring to his present condition, and replied assuming so. "You passed out. You'd been crying for so long, and holding Ilia in that kneeling position, that you must have exerted all of your strength. Shad and I brought you over to this room to recover. I promised to watch over you until you recovered."

A low whine forced her to correct herself. "Oh, and Harmless has been here the whole time too. Though if you ask me, he just wanted to sleep on your cozy bed."

Link turned to see at the foot of his bed was a drowsy-looking wolf. Its eyes were barely open, but his ears were perked up, letting Link know that he was listening to everything being said. It snorted at Ashei's last remark, but made no other motion.

"And Ilia?" Link felt his heart speed up as he asked. "What did you do with her?"

"Our allies took her, with the greatest amount of respect and care I can assure you, to be embalmed."

Link sighed in defeat. He knew that it would have to be done eventually, but that didn't mean he liked it any. "I...I think it's only right that she be buried in Ordona."

"We're already arranging for that." Ashei consoled him. "Lord Aric says that his embalmers will be able to help her maintain her until the war is over. She'll have a proper burial with all of us present. Until then, Auru suggested that her body remain here."

It was more than generous of Lord Aric. Link would have smiled at his gift if he weren't still filled with grief over her loss. Ashei seemed to notice his expression vary without any definite form, prompting her to ask, "How are you feeling?"

It was a difficult question to answer. He still felt everything from before: fear, guilt, anger and sorrow, but now there was something else. Hope? He thought it felt like hope. Whatever it was, it was very small, and very weak, and it likely was the only thing that kept him from being overpowered by his emotions again. "I feel like...like I'm unworthy of being called a 'hero,' but...I can't let myself stop doing my duty."

"That's...better than before." Ashei smiled softly. "One more thing: I'd just asked one of the servants to get us some breakfast. Are you going to want anything other than that?"

Link shook his head. "That should be fine."

"Alright." Ashei acknowledged. "I'm going to stay a while longer. Please don't hesitate to ask if you need anything."

The young woman moved back to her seat. It was only another foot or so away, but she wanted to have enough room to stretch her legs without hitting Link's bed. She then picked up the book she'd previously been reading before leaping to Link's aid. At first glance, Link thought it would have been a combat manual, but it was actually titled 'The Great War of Ikana.' Underneath that was the author's name which, without surprising him, was Mandrakos Fears.

It perked his curiosity, which caused him to become torn. He wanted to ask about the book, but still felt the desire to just give up on everything. He tried to convince himself to just speak, and try to move on, but his feelings wouldn't let him. Why was he no longer feeling the relief from the last part of his dream? He thought that he should have been getting better, not still wallowing in self pity, and yet the feelings persisted.

It was with great luck that Ashei happened to glance in his direction and see him struggling to speak. "Did you want to ask for something?"

Given a proper prompt, he had to respond now. "I was just wondering about that book."

Ashei moved closer to help him see it, though it wasn't necessary. "Mandrakos gave it to me so that I'd have something to do while I waited on you."

"What's it about?"

"War." She responded with as straight a face as she could muster. It took him a moment to realize she was trying to make him laugh. It didn't work, but he felt a little bit better knowing that she was trying. "More specifically, it's Mandrakos trying to uncover what the war was actually about, and what all had happened. It's a forgotten part of history, and he seemed to have picked up some bits and pieces while living here."

"Is it any good?"

"I like it. Aside from the moments of pure speculation, what things he's found are fairly intriguing. Like this segment..." She rummaged back through the pages she'd already read, trying to find the specific passage. It took her a couple seconds longer than she thought, but it shortly came to light. "Here it is. From what Mandrakos could gather, the land of Ikana had become cursed, and in a moment of revelation, their king Igos du Ikana, lashed out at his lieutenants. He said something really interesting in his rage."

Ashei spoke melodramatically, and with a more manly voice, in another attempt at humor."'Will you stop?! What fools! Haven't you begun to understand? The kingdom being ruined and us left in this state...Isn't it petty, little battles like this that have caused it? Believing in your friends and embracing that belief by forgiving failure. These feelings have vanished from our hearts.'"

Link had to chuckle a bit at her performance. He would have applauded as well if he had the strength, but somehow, he knew it was enough.

"It's an important lesson to learn." Ashei commented, returning to a more serious tone. "It's hard to forgive the failure of your friends, but I think we both know what's even harder to forgive."

There was no doubt in his mind what she was referring to. He was about to turn solemn-faced, before Ashei drew his attention again. "But that doesn't mean it's impossible to forgive, or that it ought not be forgiven."

She looked deeply into his eyes as she spoke. "I know you can't forgive your own failure. You might live in spite of it, because, as you yourself said, you're the hero. You can't let your emotions get the best of you lest the world fall into peril, but you're wrong if you think you shouldn't forgive yourself."

"But how can I?" Link challenged her assertion. "I killed her! How am I supposed to just forgive myself for ending her life? She mattered more to me than anyone in the world!"

Ashei's face turned more stern at his remark. "Do you remember what you told me when I lost my father?"

Link either refused to respond or just expected her to remind him anyway. "You told me that I can't change the past, but if my father could have seen what I was doing, he'd be damn proud of me."

"I don't recall using those exact words." Link remarked dryly.

"Beside the point. You know Ilia better than the rest of us. If you could talk to her right now, would she have forgiven you?"

Link pondered that thought deeply. Ilia had always been rather brash, and often stubborn when emotional, but whenever she took a moment to listen, she always came back around. He remembered the last time he saw her before the first time she'd been taken; how she refused to speak with him because he'd pushed Epona too hard, and she thought it was from jumping fences. Colin had to explain what had actually happened to her, and when she understood everything, she'd apologized to him. Regardless of her occasional temper, she was a kind and gentle soul. He knew the answer fairly quickly. "Ilia would have been angry, but...if she was made to understand the corrupting influence of Soarinox, she would have forgiven me."

"Then there shouldn't be any doubt that you ought to as well."

"But this is differ-"

"Oh, don't start with me about how this is different!" Ashei was starting to get angry herself, as she stood up from her chair.

"But it is! Ilia forgives because she loves me and would stand by me when I don't deserve it! I don't deserve forgiveness!"

"And why is that?! Do you think that murdering innocent blood is so horrible that there is no return?! You might want to tell Rusl that next time you see him! Tell him how you don't actually forgive him for killing an innocent man in anger!"

"But that's not the same either!"

"How?!" Ashei demanded. "How is it not the same thing?!"

"Because..." He had no answer for her. She was right. He had every reason to believe and forgive himself, but something inside of him still felt wrong for even suggesting it.

Ashei grunted in frustration, and began to pace back and forth for a couple of seconds. It wasn't until Harmless began whining again, that Ashei was able to focus on the problem. A thought occurred to her, leading the woman to rummage through Link's gear underneath the bed. When she came back up, she was carrying the Mirror Shield. Then she positioned it so that it was facing Link. "What do you see?"

She didn't need to ask. Just as all the times before, it was unchanging. "All I can see is light."

"Then look closer." Ashei told him.

He decided to humor her, and sat up to inspect the shield more closely. At first he still saw nothing other than the light, but as he stared deeper into it, he realized that his reflection could be seen. It wasn't an ordinary reflection, as he should have expected, but one that showed him for who he truly was. In that reflection, he saw every aspect of himself that he felt was lacking at that very moment. All of the traits that made him not just the hero, but the man Ilia had fallen in love with, were presented before him in such a way that only he could recognize. "I see...my courage...my strength...and my compassion. I can even see my faults, but they only represent a small portion of who I am."

Link put a hand on top of the shield, which led Ashei to put it down. "What's done is done. You made a mistake. Don't let that mistake define how you look at yourself, because the truth is far greater than what you are currently feeling."

She put the shield back underneath the bed, and sat down on her chair once more. Link nodded while considering her words. "You're right. I'd always thought before that I could keep my emotions under control. What happened yesterday has shook me, and I don't think I'm going to get over it soon."

"I'd probably be even more worried about you if you did." Ashei quipped.

"The only thing left is that...my life is never going to be the same without her. I'm not sure if it'll ever be as good again."

Ashei sighed deeply with her eyes closed. She followed it up by standing again, and heading for the door. "Well, that's something you'll just have to worry about later. We still have another spirit to rescue, a kingdom to reunite and an abomination to destroy. When all that's said and done, you'll have plenty of time to take some of your own advice."

She stopped and faced him just as she'd opened the door. "The food's taking a bit long, you gonna be okay if I leave you with Harmless for just a couple of minutes?"

"I'll be fine." He waved her off. Just before she could get out the door, he spoke up again. "Wait! What advice were you referring to?"

"Oh, it'll come back to you, I'm sure." A sly smile sneaked onto her face. "If not, I'll be glad to remind you later."

She finally disappeared. After that, Link rested his head back down onto his pillows, prompting Harmless to sneak a little closer to its master. Link smiled at the wolf. "I still don't know if you can understand everything I say, but between you and me, Ashei really surprised me today."

Harmless rolled over, showing his belly to Link, who happily rubbed it. His thoughts quickly drifted back to his dream. He thought he'd finally figured out the last remaining pieces of it that worried him. Despite his hope that the divine's presence would have simply fixed him and made him feel better, he understood that there wouldn't be any shortcuts. That vision was given to not heal him, but to set him on the path to be healed.

That was why he had hope. If he could cling onto that feeling, and let none other deter him, he knew he would make it. It would be arduous, and incredibly demanding, but the voice was right. He wasn't alone. With friends like Ashei, he would find his way, and learn to forgive himself.