Chapter 53 – Burn
Burn.
My eyes burn with determination as I wave at My Everything. I don't have much time, a mere few hours whilst Kyla's at Bella's cottage for her baby-shower. As our car pulls out of the driveway, I move quickly to the kitchen in search for a knife, razor, anything. The craving has been nagging at the back of my mind for a week now, and I need it.
I figure the sooner I get my anti-adrenalin fix; I can clean up and adopt a casually normal act like watching TV before My Elemental gets back. I burst into the kitchen, heading straight for the drawers.
I scour the kitchen, the bathroom, then the lounge room and finally even the laundry; searching every nook and cranny for a blade or something. My wife even whisked away her nail file. I can't find anything anywhere.
I am even contemplating phasing and digging up the backyard in search of a knife, when I find something. I heard of some people doing this instead of cutting, but I'm not sure if I have that much self-control.
I hold up the lighter curiously, flicking it on and off a few times. The fire is so pretty, I find myself wanting to touch it, whether I get burned or not…
I glance furtively around myself, worried that My Everything forgot something or had returned early for some reason. When I am convinced and my Kyla is far away from my destructive addiction, I walk into the lounge room. I continue to watch the flames flicker as I root around on a cabinet for a candle.
I find a long, slender white candle and light it. This new flame is even prettier than the last, and I toss the now forgotten lighter to the side. I stare at the fire and I'm once again struck by the bizarre desire to touch it. I tilt the candle slightly in order to watch the burning wick from a better angle, before hissing as a singular droplet of hot wax falls onto my forearm. I look down at the sizzling liquid, watching it harden and cool. It feels nice.
I curiously peel back the drying wax, only to gasp. The burns are even prettier than the fir. I experimentally pour more of the heated wax onto my arm, pleasure brought on my the fix I yearn for mixing with the pain in my hisses.
After creating a dozen more pretty, perfectly round burns, I tilt the candle upright again, placing it into a candle holder. I gaze into the golden flames, before reaching out to wave my middle finger over the hot light.
I gasp; this hurts more than the wax. I slowly move so that my forearm is hovering over the flame. It takes more self-control to keep my arm in place now than it does to cut or rip or slice. I watch it determinedly, smiling grimly as a drop of sweat falls from my arm into the flame.
Smoke sizzles upwards, curling gracefully around the red welt slowly forming on my arm. I watch for a little while, before I can no longer hold my arm up.
I finally drop my burned arm, blowing out the candle as I go. I take great care to return everything back to its originally impeccable state, to ensure My Everything doesn't discover my actions. Again.
Finished, I sink to the couch and, lacking anything else to do, I switch on the television. I flick through channels, before giving up and admiring my burns. One thing and one thing only nags at my consciousness.
Is it normal to think these burns and cuts are pretty?
A.N. ~
Is it? oO
Lena: Hell no, but you're not normal, Jerr ;)
No, no I'm not. :3
Now, before I receive any flames about this stuff (pun very much intended) I just want to make this clear;
This stuff happens, In real life. Very often. I am merely reflecting the things I see and hear in my everyday existence. If you cannot handle the things I describe in this story, then you obviously cannot handle real life and must return to whatever planet you are from.
I say this now because I realise that this particular chapter is rather graphic, as well as not being a conventional style of self-harm (i.e., cutting).
Lena: Because, you know, attacking oneself with a nail file is a conventional style of self-harm…
Anyway, no more depressing real life wake-up calls.
Just until next time,
Ja matta!
Jerome XD
And Lena xox
