A/N: Hi there. Sorry it's taken me so long to come through with the update, it took longer than I anticipated to find the motivation to revisit this seemingly never ending nightmare. But good news the end is near, you get the last three chapters all at once. Its either feast or famine with this story!
I'd like to thank those of you who took time to review the last chapter and to those of you who have stood by this story from the very start.
I'd like to publically acknowledge Greenaway's work in this chapter.
Thank you to the beautiful Sassy for editing this chapter and for just being the awesome person that you are. xx
Disclaimer: S Meyer owns Twilight and all related characters. Cinnamon Twist & Greenaway co-own an angel at my table. Any music used is the sole property of the respective owners.
Hold On I'm coming My Juliet...
BELLA'S POV:
I stood nervously wringing my hands together in the middle of Nepal's international airport, it felt like a million butterflies had been released in my stomach and they were all fluttering their wings frantically their disjointed rhythm made me feel ill.
My eyes were trained on the passenger exit and my gaze roamed over every face, disappointment flooded through me when Edward's Angel Face wasn't amongst them.
A wave of fear crashed over me.
Maybe Edward wasn't on the plane. Maybe he had decided at the last minute not to come or maybe he'd finally come to his senses and realized that I wasn't what he wanted.
I shuddered violently at the thought. I wasn't sure how I'd cope if he rejected me again.
The familiar feelings of self loathing and worthlessness did their best to drag me down and they would have succeeded if Edward hadn't suddenly appeared in the sea of faces.
He broke into my favourite heart stopping smile and my heart skipped a beat in response.
Tears pooled in my eyes as the heady sense of relief flooded through me. He was here. He had followed me when I asked him. He did want me.
I watched him approach through the hazy film of tears and blinked rapidly allowing them to spill over.
"Hey you," He said as he came to a stop in front of me.
"Hey yourself," I mumbled. The tears were relentless now but I smiled as I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around him.
I brushed my lips across his, smiling a little when my heart stuttered as I was jolted by the electricity that shot through me when our lips touched.
Edward tightened his grip on me pulling me against his body and I sighed softly, for the first time in a very long time something actually felt right.
"Why are you crying?" He asked softly wiping away my tears with gentle fingertips
"I'm crying because I'm happy you're here," I said thickly, "It felt wrong leaving you behind." My voice was barely a whisper but by the smile on his face I knew he'd heard me. He brought his lips to mine again in the softest of kisses and my long dormant heart took off in a sprint.
"I've always been with you Bella. Just like you've always been with me. I've found my happiness Bella." He murmured against my cheek "You take it with you wherever you go."
My heart throbbed again; it was hard to describe what it felt like to be back in Edward's embrace, it felt like every time I stepped off the plane in New Zealand and smelt the familiar salty air, it felt like home.
Home it's where I wanted to be.
"So shall we blow this popsicle stand?" I asked shyly.
Edward's arm snaked around my waist pulling me into his side as we walked from the airport and I marvelled at how perfectly I still moulded into the contours of his body...
...Edward yawned a few times as I drove towards my home and his eyes finally drifted closed as he succumbed to sleep. I turned off the radio and just listened to the sound of his breathing, the familiarity of the rhythm was like a long forgotten melody.
The sound of it made me smile.
After so many months of continuous struggle I finally felt like my face had broken the surface of the muddy depths of despair, and I luxuriated in finally being able to breathe again. Although I wasn't sure things between Edward and I were going to work out; the fact of the matter was I was prepared to try. I was under no illusion that it would be easy to give him my heart again.
I pulled the car into the private driveway that would lead directly to the cottage I called home. As much as I didn't want to wake Edward I couldn't leave him asleep in the vehicle, Night time in Nepal could get very cold. I stared at him for a protracted moment before gently shaking him awake.
His eyes snapped open and he blinked rapidly a frown creased his forehead as he shook his head, he was obviously disorientated.
Once he'd got his bearings he looked over at me sleepily and apologized...
"You don't need to apologize for falling asleep Edward. I am sorry however for having to wake you but I'm fairly certain you'll find the bed in the spare room more comfortable than sleeping in the car." I said quietly hoping he would pick up the words spare room.
The house was ghostly quiet when we walked through it; Edward looked around curiously as I led him through the lounge and down the hallway. I stood back and allowed him to step into the bedroom before me. A moment of Panic swept through me when Edward pulled me into the room and shut the door behind us. Before I could say anything I was back in his arms and he was kissing me.
My body tensed automatically as fear flooded the pit of my stomach. As much as I wanted Edward back in my life I wasn't ready to be intimate with him again. I wanted to be absolutely sure that we were doing the right thing for us both before we took things any further. He seemed to interpret my reaction and quickly reassured me that he would never ask more of me than I was ready to give. I was grateful because I still wasn't a hundred percent sure of what I could give him.
My heart wanted to be his but my head was forcing me to tread lightly, to move with caution.
"Thank you Edward. It's still frightening you know."I tried to explain. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him anymore than I had already but I would not just jump blindly back into the fire.
Edward kissed the tip of my nose, "I know it is. You aren't going to trust me again overnight Bella. I don't expect that and I don't think...you should either. Baby steps Juliet. I can wait forever." He said softly, alleviating some of my acute fears, he was prepared to wait, to allow me to take my time and set my own pace.
I smiled up at him, "Baby steps sound good. You really need to get some sleep; you'll need all your energy to keep up with Apple once she sees you again."
Edward collapsed on the bed, "I can't...wait." He said sleepily.
"Good night Edward," I said softly as I turned off the light and shut the door quietly behind me...
...Even though Edward was here I kept to my usual routine. The house was in its normal state of chaos, it happened every morning; the level of noise four energetic children made could wake the dead.
Thankfully Edward had not woken; I needed some more time to prepare myself for his reintegration into our children's lives. Although I was sure I was doing the right thing I was still scared, that fear twisted my stomach painfully. So much could go wrong.
I pushed the fear away; I didn't want to keep second guessing myself. I had made my decision to try with Edward and I was going to stick to it. I would not put us or our children through anymore unnecessary heart ache...
...Once everyone was fed and dressed Leah took the kids to the kindergarten whilst Jake and I spent the morning in our classrooms, I was so preoccupied I struggled to keep my mind on my students. My attempt to teach them about the 'Krebs Cycle,' was turning into a disaster, several times I had found myself staring out the window in the direction of my house thinking about how Edward was there waiting for me, waiting for Apple and Louis. Fear and self doubt begun to creep through me; trying once more to pull me beneath the surface. I shook off the negativity; I could not allow fear to rule my life anymore. It was not healthy for me or my children. I had made my decision; I would not second guess it.
The morning seemed to drag on forever and for the first time since I had come to Nepal I found myself breathing a sigh of relief when the bell for lunch finally chimed. I had never felt so impatient for my classes to end.
I met Jake, Leah and my children like I did everyday for lunch in the dining hall.
Jake and I spent the whole time in whispered conversation about Edward and what I had planned for the afternoon.
"I'm really happy for you and Edward, Bella. And I'm proud of you for facing your fears and taking the leap of faith." He said in a barely audible whisper, his eyes focused not on me but Apple.
"You think I'm doing the right thing?" I asked him hesitantly second guessing myself once more, it was so ingrained in me to do so now. I valued and trusted Jakes opinion more than anyone else's.
He reached out to pat my hand reassuringly, "Yeah Bells I do. I know he made a mistake and hurt you. But I don't think he'd EVER, make the same mistakes again. He loves you Bella and he loves his kids."
I had to believe that Edward would not repeat the mistakes of the past; I had to believe he would do right by his children, by me, "Yeah I know. Thanks Jake." I looked over at Leah who was wiping Matisse's face and hands, "Leah would you like to take the kids out to their garden? I will meet you out there shortly."
"Of course Bella," She gave me a warm smile which I reciprocated at once. She was a warm and loving person with a generous heart.
I had always thought Jake and Cherie were a good match until I saw him and Leah together. Leah absolutely adored Jake, every time she looked at him it shone clearly on her face. She just lit up.
And he was just as smitten.
Aro had been right. Had I chosen Jake I would have deprived him of finding his truest of true loves; I would have deprived him of Leah. And I would have deprived Edward and more importantly myself.
Edward's beautiful face filled my mind and I was suddenly out of my chair and telling Louis and Apple I would see them in the garden in a few minutes before rushing back to my house...
...I could hear Edward's muffled voice coming from the kitchen and I wondered who was here with him. It was a couple of seconds before I realized that the conversation was one sided, he was speaking to someone on the phone.
"Mum its FINE. If we fight, we will deal with it ok? I'm not going to hit the booze, I'm not going to off myself, I'm happy ok? For the first time in a long time I'm HAPPY. Just... Don't worry about me ok? I'm fine, everything is fine."
I froze in the doorway and the familiar feeling of panic swept through me. I wasn't Esme's favourite person and I doubted very much that she would be pleased Edward was here with me.
She was worried I'd drive him back to the bottle, just like I'd driven him to it the first time.
My heart crashed against my ribs and that tiny voice inside me that questioned everything I did started to chant 'are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?'
No I didn't know what I was getting into. But at this point I was prepared to take a leap of faith.
Edward heard me in the doorway he looked up and smiled his emerald eyes brightening immediately. His eyes continued to lighten as they roamed over my face. I gave him a nervous smile from the doorway as he ended his conversation with his mother.
"Sorry beautiful, she's kinda changed a bit like I said before. So much BOSSIER now... I hope you don't mind, I helped myself." He said as soon as he got off the phone.
I gave him a small smile, "She cares about you; you could have done worse. I hope she's not too angry you're here...And you're welcome to help yourself. There's lots of fruit and veggies, all grown here on the estate and my students make the best yoghurt in Nepal," I said proudly. "So I guess you'll be wanting to see the kids? They're in Apple and Louis' Garden."
"They have their own garden do they? I would love to see them... Do you think... It's not going to set them back or anything is it? I don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have." He asked suddenly nervous.
"Edward having you in their lives never hurt them, it's your absence that did that. As long as you're sure this is what you want. Parenthood's a lifelong commitment. Are you really positively sure YOU are ready?" I questioned him.
I fought of the pangs of anxiety in my stomach. I needed to trust myself to know what was best for my children.
"I'm a little scared." He confessed "But I'm ready. Ready but scared."
I smiled reassuringly, "You'll do fine Edward; just remember these are your children they love you more than anything and you love them. Its gonna be ok." I walked over to where he was sitting wrapped my arms tightly around him. I kissed the top of his head, "Thank you for sharing your fears with me." I said softly.
"So I don't sound like a loser who doesn't have his shit together?" He asked quietly.
"Well you don't sound like you have it completely together but that's ok. And you don't sound like a loser either." I teased him. "So let's go Romeo there's a couple of little people who have been deprived of your company far too long."
I took Edward's hand and led him down the pathway that would take us to Apple's little piece of solitude. I spun the prayer wheel at the entrance of her garden.
Everybody who entered it had to spin it so that it sent out the prayers she had stored in there for Edward.
Neither Louis or Apple heard our approach.
"I like the green ones." Edward whispered as he came up behind them. They were sitting under one of the many towering Pipal trees that resided in the garden. The colourful prayer flags strung between their tree and the next fluttered in the breeze.
Apple's head whipped around at the sound of his voice.
She stared at him wide eyed for the longest moment, her cherubic face a mask of shocked disbelief; she blinked rapidly before reaching out to touch him.
I understood she needed to see if he was more than a figment of her imagination. I wondered how many times a day she had thought about this reunion.
Her fingers brushed his cheek and the most ear splitting scream tore from her throat. She threw herself into her father's arms, her tiny arms laced around his neck in a vice like grip locking herself in place against his chest.
She held his face tightly in her hands; just like she hd done the first time they'd met. My eyes brimmed with tears.
"DADDY...APPLE DADDY..." She screeched excitedly, "My daddy all better now. Apple Daddy better and you came home. My mummy not let me make my Daddy better. I make you all better my Daddy. Just me. Apple love my Daddy. Just my Daddy. I miss you. You not sick now. I make you better."
She held his face in her hands forcing him to look at her; it reminded me of the first time they had met. The intensity of her stare as she looked into his eyes had a lump forming in my throat, she still worshipped him.
Apple continued to stare at him, still stunned, for another moment then her face broke into the first smile I had seen her wear in longer than I cared to remember.
She glowed with happiness; all the sorrow instantly wiped from her features. Her face looked angelic.
I swallowed back the lump and shook off the feelings of jealousy trying to steal through me; it wasn't fair for me to let my resentment ruin this moment for Apple and Edward.
She leaned forward and kissed his lips before raining kisses all over his face.
I looked down at Louis who was watching Edward wearily, unlike Apple Louis exercised caution. I scooped him into my arms and kissed his cheek.
"You want to go and say hi to Daddy?" I asked him quietly.
He buried his face against my neck but kept his eyes on Edward,
"Daddy?" He whispered.
"Hey little man...I'm very sorry that I let you down son." Edward said softly.
Louis continued to watch him silently and I could tell by Edward's face he was hurt at his son's reaction.
"It's ok Louis." I said soothingly into his mass of brown curls, "Remember Daddy was sick but he's better now. He can be your daddy now."
I took a step closer to Edward and gave Louis a reassuring smile. I could feel him starting to relax in my arms.
"My daddy," he said quietly, reaching his hand out for Edward's.
The second their hands touched Louis threw himself into his father's arms.
As soon as I saw my children back in their father's embrace I knew I had made the right decision. For all of us.
At the reappearance of her father Apple's possessive side kicked in and she began to demand his undivided attention,
"Apple show my daddy his prayer flags and show my daddy his prayer wheel?" She demanded putting her hands on Edward's face and turning him away from Louis...
We spent the afternoon in Apple's garden as a family. Apple monopolized Edward's attention as much as she could, showing him every single aspect of her garden, everything that before this moment she hadn't cared about.
She even showed him the rocks that edged her fish pond, it seemed no detail was too insignificant not to mention!
Louis seemed quite happy to let Apple have the lime light, he just held onto Edward saying nothing and stealing glances at him every now and again.
Noah, seeing his elder brother and sister embracing Edward so wholly seemed to finally find his confidence and happily followed them around, as did Matisse. They were however forced to stay on the fringes, while Apple allowed Louis close to Edward her generosity didn't extend to her younger siblings.
Anytime Matisse or Noah got too close to Edward she would glare at them and they would take a step back.
Normally I would never have condoned her behaviour but I couldn't help but indulge her, she had been waiting a long time for this reunion. I wouldn't take the happiness of the occasion away from her with stern words about sharing.
By the time we arrived back at the cottage we were actually starting to resemble a happy family...
"No mummy not you put me to bed. Only my Daddy. I make my Daddy better." Apple protested grumpily. My customary exasperated sigh passed my lips as I looked down at the determined face of my eldest daughter. I was too tired to argue with her and I knew there wasn't going to be any point. I doubted Apple was ever going to let me put her to bed again nor let Edward out of her sight again.
She had not let him go since she had gotten back into his arms. She still hadn't let him near Matisse or Noah; only Louis was still allowed within a ten meter radius of her and Edward.
"Ok Apple Dad can put you to bed." I conceded as if I really had any choice in the matter.
"Not my mummy. She mean to Apple. My mummy not let Apple make her daddy better." She complained to Edward.
"I guess you're on bedtime duties, for the next ten years," I half joked. I didn't want him to see how much it hurt me that Apple blamed me for his absence in her life.
I left Edward to organize Apple and went to check on Matisse and Noah; they still saw me as their number one parent. I kissed them both and pulled the blankets up around them before switching on their nightlight. The room was cast in a soft glow that gave it a warm inviting feeling; I would have happily curled in the arm chair and stayed here all night if Edward hadn't been here with me.
It was almost impossible to comprehend that he was here, in my little sanctuary, or more so that I had invited him here. I was still a little confused about what I wanted with Edward, my clearly drawn lines were now so blurred it was hard to remember exactly what they were.
I closed the door silently behind me and made my way up the hallway. I could hear Edward's quiet voice coming from Apple's bedroom; I stopped at her door to listen. My eyes brimmed with tears as I listened to him explain to Apple how it wasn't me keeping her away from him.
Whilst she was listening to her father her eyes, so full of anger, were firmly on mine. I tried to remember that she was too young to understand but it still cut deep that she blamed me. I hoped one day when she was older she would finally understand.
It was a hope I clung to.
Apple looked back at her Edward and I quickly wiped away the tear as it slid down my cheek. I wanted to go and hug my daughter but when she looked back at me her eyes were still full of mistrust.
"G...Goodnight Apple...Sweet...dreams," I choked out as I fled down the hallway...
...I sat twisting my hands idly as I waited for Edward. He still hadn't emerged from Apple's room though he'd gone to put her to bed at least an hour ago. I was about to go looking for him when the phone rang. I hurried into the kitchen and snatched up the receiver silencing the racket it made before it woke the kids.
"Hello," I said in a whisper though there was no real need to.
"Bella its Carlisle how are you?" The familiar and welcomed voice asked. I smiled at the sound of it.
"I'm good thanks Carlisle. How are you doing?" I could guess the reason for his call.
"I'm good Bella, healthy so I can't complain." He chortled, "How are my adorable grandchildren?" He asked with undisguised longing, he missed them. I hated that he was unable to spend time with them.
"They're great. So much happier now they have their back. Edward's just putting them to bed now." I smiled at how right that sounded.
"I'm glad to hear that. So...so everything's going ok with Edward? Are you alright having him there?" Carlisle asked his voice was now laced with concern.
Carlisle had become an integral part of my life. He had been as bigger support to me as Jake had and I trusted him without question. He was always in my corner and he always stuck up for me when Esme started playing the blame game, no matter what it cost him personally.
"The kids are ecstatic to have him back. And I'm happy he's here to." I qualified.
"That's good Bella. You know I worry about you?" He said with unmistakable sincerity. I couldn't help but smile, it felt nice to hear my father in law express his concern for me.
"Yeah I know you do Carlisle. And I appreciate it and everything else you've done for me." I was sure he could hear the sincerity in my voice.
"Thank you Bella and it's my pleasure... So...if you don't mind me asking are you Edward getting back together?" I could hear the reluctance in his voice and I knew immediately that Esme was there prompting him to question me.
Fury ignited in me at the thought.
Esme needed to back off and stop using Carlisle to fish for information that neither Edward nor I wanted to share with her. I would have flatly refused to him just so Esme was kept in the dark about what was going on but I couldn't do that to Carlisle. He was in a horrid position because of me and I would do anything to make it easier on him, even if that meant giving Esme the answers she craved.
"To be honest Carlisle we haven't really had a chance to discuss it. I'm not really sure where we stand at this point, but I do know that we won't do anything to harm each other. We will discuss it rationally and if we think its better that we stay apart then that's what we'll do. And if that happens then we'll do it amicably and we'll remain friends for our children. Whatever happens we are committed to doing what's best for us as individuals and as parents to our kids...And Carlisle; I promise I will let you know as soon as we've decided."
"I'm...I'm sorry Bella," he murmured.
I realized Esme must have been out of earshot now she knew he'd asked the question she couldn't.
"It's fine Carlisle. Please don't apologize. I know Esme's worried about Edward, but I promise whatever happens it's not going to turn into a shit fight. So...Is anything else happening I should know about?" I asked not so subtly changing the subject.
"Yes," he answered his voice turning reluctant, wary, "the reason for my call was to let you know they have set a trial date for Tanya's trial. It's scheduled for the second of June. Our lawyers want you back in New Zealand by the end of this month to go over everything." My blood turned to ice in my veins, "I'm so sorry Bella. I hate having to tell you this. I hate knowing you have to relive this nightmare." He said quietly
I froze, my muscles going rigid in fear. A violent shudder rolled through me as the image of Tanya's cruel sneering face flashed behind my eyes. I felt sick, the terror twisted my stomach painfully. I took a shuddering breath, trying to force air into my flattened lungs, as I fought to maintain some sort of control.
"So...So...I...I still have to testify against her then?" I choked out already knowing that I couldn't get out of it. Carlisle had tried everything to avoid me having to go on the witness stand.
My hands shook so badly I dropped the phone. I scrambled to pick up putting it to my ear just as Carlisle confirmed my worst fear.
"Yes I'm afraid so. But Bella you have nothing to worry about. Our case against her is absolutely water tight. There's no way she's going to get off this. I will personally make sure she doesn't" Under the layers of total optimism and confidence in his voice there was a subtle edge of menace, the kind of menace that used to strike fear in the very heart of me, it was a touch of the old Carlisle, the ruthless one that would stop at nothing to crush his enemies. I shivered violently but I was glad to know that Carlisle was in my corner fighting for me, not against me.
"I...I hope you're right." I said with no confidence. It wouldn't surprise me with my horrid luck that the crazy bitch would beat the charges against her.
"Bella please don't worry about Tanya. She's not going to be getting out of jail anytime soon. Our lawyers are expecting her to get at least twenty years without parole. That's what they're going to ask for as a minimum sentence anyway. They seem fairly confident they'll get it...Although I have to say she deserves twice that sentence." Carlisle said bitterly.
"As long as she can't hurt Edward anymore then I don't care how long they lock her up for..." I whispered.
"She'll never hurt either of you ever again. I promise you that Bella." He said the hint of menace becoming more pronounced.
I quickly changed the subject, asking about Emmett and Jasper, not wanting to talk about her for another second. Although I knew it was too late, the mere mention of her name would see her in my nightmares tonight. I shuddered at the thought; it had been a long time since I imagined her gaunt yet evil looking face.
We chatted idly for a few more minutes before we said our goodbyes...
...Edward had finally made it out of Apple's room and was sitting on the couch. My mind was awash with conflict and images of Tanya, I moved unconsciously through the room while trying to force them from my mind.
"Hey you," I said automatically as I took a seat next to him, "Thank you for trying with Apple. she's just hurting. She'll come round once she realizes you're not going anywhere...So Carlisle just phoned..."
Saying Carlisle's name brought everything into sharper focus gave me a moments clarity from the chaos raging inside me. I looked down at my hands and was not surprised to see I was wringing them together; it was a trait I had picked up and did unconsciously when I was scared or overly anxious.
And I was scared. I was petrified to mention Tanya to Edward. Just speaking her name was toxic and I was frightened that if I said it; her venom would spread through his veins poisoning him once more.
But he had to know. But how did I tell him?
Like the pitiful coward I was I wished I had asked Carlisle to tell Edward, but just as swiftly I realized it wouldn't matter who delivered the news to Edward his reaction would be the same.
His reaction, it terrified me just as much as the mention of Tanya's name did.
What if Edward did have melt down?
How would I be able to protect myself and my children if he lost the plot and flew into a violent rage? I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fight off the full blown panic attack threatening to engulf me, scrambling desperately to find some way to keep myself from flipping out completely.
Jake's face filled my mind and I groaned in relief. Jake was here, he would come to my aid should I need it. He would be able to physically restrain Edward; he would be able to protect me.
I hadn't realized I had wrapped my arms tightly around myself and had begun to rock back and forth until Edward's hands gently gripped my shoulders instantly ceasing the motion. A small sob forced itself from my throat. I just wanted all of this to end. Tanya, Esme, Edward, Apple, all the hurt, terror and confusion I just wanted it to stop.
I was at the point of wanting out of my life.
"Sshh," Edward said as he wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me into his embrace and ran his hands soothingly through my hair.
"Are you feeling ok now?...He asked after a few minutes. He pulled back from me his concerned eyes meeting mine. "Do you want to talk about it?"
New thoughts bubbled to the forefront of my mind giving me new fears and further confusing me. My body had relaxed in Edward's embrace though it was him I feared.
It made no sense.
I was so bewildered by the pull of the conflicting emotions I couldn't make a rational decision. Did I really believe Edward was going to hurt me? Was I truly scared of him or was just scared of fear itself? I didn't know. I tried to rock again but Edward's arms were still on my shoulders.
I didn't know what to do.
He needed to know.
But how did I tell him? How did I even force her name from my lips?
My eyes glazed over as I fought to stop my mind shutting down on itself, it was too much.
I was shocked to suddenly find myself on the other side of the room. I hadn't realized I had moved away from him until I noticed him watching me from his same position on the couch, I was now standing in the doorway leasing to the kitchen.
Subconsciously I had moved to an exit. I had given myself an escape route. It relaxed me ever so slightly, to know on the other side of the kitchen was the backdoor; it would take me less than ten steps to reach it.
My gaze stayed locked on Edward's; I tried to ignore the hammering of my heart and regain some sort of control. One way or the other I had to say the words and face his reaction.
There was no way around it, he needed to know. He deserved to know.
Neither of us moved an inch, my eyes watched every minute shift in Edward's body; he was as frozen as I was. I tried to summon the courage to force the words from my mouth. It was Louis' face that filled my mind.
My beautiful son had so much strength; his courage was infinitely more than my own. Louis and Apple, Matisse and Noah also, they were all so strong.
I drew my own strength from them.
I forced myself to take a deep breath, "I...I have to go back to New Zealand...They have set a date for...for...Ta...Ta...The trial," I stuttered, I couldn't bring myself to say her name. It did not really matter though I knew Edward would know what I was talking about, "I have to testify."
My body tensed, the muscles locking down as my sympathetic nervous system took over, adrenalin flowed through my body, my flight, fright, fight, instinct kicked into action. I was suddenly aware of everything, acutely so, there was danger here and my senses were alert and preparing me.
Edward suddenly stood up and slowly started to make his way toward me and fear bubbled up in the pit of my stomach. I took half a step back into the kitchen preparing to run, as the flight instinct took control. The small step must have been obvious because Edward suddenly stopped and returned to his seat.
He made slow and deliberate movements, bringing his hands to rest on his knees. His keen eyes were completely focused on me, the expression on his face showed nothing but concern.
I watched him warily.
"Are you afraid of seeing Tanya again, or are you afraid of something else Bella?" He asked quietly.
I never relaxed even though Edward was be completely calm and totally in control. My eyes stayed locked on him categorizing every minute shift in his body and facial expression. He sat completely still, his hands never moving from his knees, I could feel nothing threatening in his aura.
His question, although asked softly, made me flinch. He wanted to know if I was frightened of him. I still couldn't make sense of my conflicting emotions and reactions, nothing made sense. I took a deep breath desperately trying to keep the last vestiges of my self control whilst keeping my eyes firmly on his.
Was I truly still scared of him?
It took me no time to answer my question. No I wasn't scared of him. I answered silently. If I had truly been frightened I would never have invited him into my home.
My fear came more from the fact I could no longer anticipate his reactions.
He was so different now and it was a struggle to find some of the old Edward, some of my Edward. I had no idea if that made any sense. My confusion peaked and I was goaded into speech,
"How could I not be afraid of her? I...I'm not scared of you Edward. I'm scared of how you're going to react." I confessed.
He kept his eyes on mine, they were soft, understanding, I could see no anger in them.
"Well," he said evenly, "how about I tell you how the information you just gave me, makes me feel? To start with I'm scared. For you. I'm worried about you having to face her again in a courtroom, in ANY room. I would like so very much to stop that from ever happening, but it is not within my power to do so. The only thing I can do is support you through this. I can stand beside you the whole way if you want me too." He said earnestly,
"Tanya...She doesn't scare me like she used to. See, I used to think she would never be happy until she had destroyed me and she knew the best way to do that was through you. That was always my biggest fear, you being hurt or worse dying because of me. She really was the fucking monster in my closet, but one day, I realised... She is just a very sick, very fucking twisted woman and I refuse to let her win. She WANTS me to be miserable and hurt, just like she does. And I played into that. I did my best to systematically destroy my life thinking I was doing the right thing, when all I was doing was letting her win. I'm not going to do that anymore. Tanya is nothing to me. I don't fear her. I don't pity her. I feel... nothing. She is just a bad memory and once this court case is done, I'm hoping that she will be simply a bad memory to you too. This really doesn't affect me Bella. The only part that worries me is how it affects YOU."
I shook off the anger that flared up inside me at Edward saying his biggest fear was me being hurt or dying. He still didn't realize that Nothing Tanya had inflicted on me had come close to what he had done. What I suffered at his hands was infinitely worse.
But I wasn't going to go down that road; no good would come of it.
I thought about what Edward said about it not affecting him and I wondered if he'd actually thought that through before he said it.
He wanted to support me but how could I allow him into that courtroom? I would not allow it, especially if he hadn't truly thought it through.
"Have you thought about having to sit in that courtroom and listen to a blow by blow account of what Tanya did to me that day? Have you thought for one second what that's going to do to you. Do you think I want you to have your head filled with horrific images that are going to haunt you for the rest your life? Do you think I want to be the cause of your suicidal hate again?" I asked him beseechingly.
Edward had to be realistic. It was easy for him to sayit didn't affect him but he didn't really know how he was going to react when he saw Tanya again? And he had no idea what he'd do when he heard in clinical details of what happened before he got there.
I closed my eyes; screwing them up in an effort to fight off the weight of utter desolation trying to crush me.
"Bella. I haven't forgotten what she did to you." Edward said softly, "Those images will be with me till the day I die and I wish that they had never happened. But they did. I can't change it now. Neither can you. Just like you can't change what happened afterwards. You keep trying to shoulder the blame. You didn't cause my mental decline and you didn't force the bottle into my hand. I made mistakes and I accept them and the consequences. But I won't be ruled by my mistakes anymore. I won't be ruled by fear anymore. I'm living my life for today and for tomorrow, not for yesterday."
Edward still hadn't worked out for me to react like this was an automatic reflex. It was my defence mechanism. He was the only one who could destroy me and I would do anything and everything I knew to protect myself and my children.
"I...I don't know...I don't know what to do...So hard to trust myself...So Hard to believe what you say." I whispered. I was so lost I felt like I was floating out of control in the centre of a black hole.
He was suddenly in front of me; gently he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. "One day at a time my sweet girl. One day at a time. It's all your choice, remember? If you want me there, I will be there, if you don't, then I will be waiting for you. I love you Bella. I love you so much and I don't want to ever hurt you again. Just tell me what you need and I will do my best to fulfil those needs." Edward said softly kissing the top of my head.
I squeezed my eyes shut, burrowing my face against his chest, as I tried to fight off the utter misery from dragging me under the surface, "I don't know what I need. I...I just need help" I choked out...
Edward's arms flexed around me pulling me closer, "Bella. You need to talk to someone. You need a safe person to let all this out to before it eats you alive." He said gently.
My arms snaked around his waist and I all but soldered myself to him, "I need you Edward. I need you to stay with me and never leave. Will you promise me? I mean swear to me on the lives of our children you will never hurt me, swear you'll never leave me again..." I pleaded into his chest.
I took several deep breaths. His scent saturated my lungs and the tightness in my chest eased. The smell of him brought with it a flood of memories of times when I felt safe and invincible in his arms and I desperately wanted to feel like that again.
"I promise you Bella. I will be here for you as long as you want me, I will be here and I won't leave..." I allowed Edward to tilt my face toward his, "I swear Isabella Cullen. I swear I will be the best husband and father I can be," I let his promise sink beneath my defences. There was no way to doubt his sincerity; it burned brightly in his eyes and his voice was drenched with it.
"I want you to be my husband," I whispered.
Edward gasped quietly, "Do you mean it Bella?" He murmured, "Are you sure?" His green eye bore into mine, searching for what it was I truly wanted. He would find the truth in my eyes.
"Yes, I mean it..." and I did. Deep in my soul I knew that Edward being my husband was what I wanted, what I needed.
His intense gaze held mine and his face breaking into my favourite smile, and my heart stuttered in response. "Thank you... Thank you for making me the happiest man alive." He said fervidly as he brought his mouth to mine.
Edward's kiss left me breathless from the sheer intensity of it. It felt like he reaffirming his promise, asking my forgiveness, and reassuring me I was the only one that owned and would ever own his heart. My fingers laced through his hair holding his face to mine. I wished we could stay suspended in this moment. The second the thought entered my mind it was washed away by the sounds of Apples terrified scream and her calling out for Edward.
I pulled my mouth from his with a heavy sigh, "Are you alright to go to her? No one else will be able to settle her now she knows you're here..."
He nodded giving me another quick but very sweet kiss before hurrying from the room...
...Edward still hadn't returned from Apple's room after an hour and when I went to see if he'd gotten her back to sleep I found him lying on her bed with both Louis and Apple curled up in his arms.
All three of them were sleeping soundly.
I watched them for a few minutes through my tears. Seeing Apple with her arms tightly wrapped around Edward's neck and Louis half wedged between his father and sister I knew I had made the right decision to allow him back into their lives.
We needed to be together as a family there was no other way for us.
I blew them a silent kiss whispered a prayer for them and left the room.
I checked on Matisse and Noah who were sleeping soundly and made my way to bed...
I knew I didn't have to worry about leaving Edward home with the kids but I did anyway, it was force of habit. I breathed in the crisp salt air as I hurried up the sand dunes and back toward the house.
We had been home from Nepal less than an hour but I just had to go and feel the sand between my toes. I had missed Waiheke and the beach and the clean salt air so ventured onto the beach to take a moment for myself.
A slow smile spread over my face as I made my back toward our house. I had left Edward in charge but I was pretty sure Apple would be showing him exactly how she looks after her brother and sister. I could imagine her forcing Edward to watch her change nappies and how to mix the baby formula properly...
The smile slid from my face as I walked into the driveway and saw an unfamiliar car parked there. I couldn't imagine who would be visiting us. No one knew we were even home yet.
I took another couple of steps and a person stepped from behind the car.
He was familiar though I had never met the child he held in his arms. I stopped midstep and eyed Demetri warily. He smiled widely when he saw me and guilt welled up inside me. Demetri was caught in the middle of the mess that was mine, Edward and Irina's broken friendship.
"Well hello there stranger." I was surprised at how light and friendly his tone of voice was. I was expecting the hostility of his wife to have rubbed off on him, "Bet I'm the last person you expected to see here"
I could not disagree with him; he was the last person I was expecting to see.
"Hey...Demetri," I mumbled. Colour spread across my cheeks and when I looked down at my hands they were wringing together. "So...Um...Yeah I guess." I looked up at the gorgeous little boy he held in his arms, "He's beautiful. He looks like Irina but he has your eyes."
"Yeah I'm glad he got his mother's looks instead of my ugly mug. Wanna hold him, his name is Oliver." He said proudly as he held out his son to me.
Surprisingly Oliver reached out for me without any fear.
"Your mugs not that bad," I quipped as I took the smiling child into my arms, "Hi there Oliver it's really nice to meet you." I kissed his chubby cheek and he smiled brightly as his fingers wound into my hair. "So...So how's things Demetri?"
He let out a deep sigh, "Honestly? I don't fucking know right now. I don't even know if I should be the one to tell you this, I don't know how its gonna make you or anyone feel to be honest... I wanna say I'm sad about it myself, but the truth is I'm not. I'm only sad that Irina is so upset and I feel like a shit husband cause I can't really understand my wife's obvious pain." He rambled not making much sense.
I did however pick up when he said he wasn't sure if he should be the one to tell me. Fear and confusion flooded through me.
What did he think he shouldn't tell me? I looked up at the house. What had happened while I was at the beach?
I thought about the rest of his sentence. Whatever had happened he wasn't sorry, so my family was ok.
"What's going on Demetri?" I asked quickly.
He gave me an apologetic look, "Sorry Bells. I just don't... Fuck. Tanya's dead. She hung herself in her cell. I know she caused you and Edward nothing but pain and she was the worst human being that ever fucking existed but she was still Irina's sister... She's hurting and not taking it well. She's inside talking to Edward."
Shock rooted me to the spot. I stared at him opened mouth while trying to wrap my head around what he'd just said.
Tanya was dead. Tanya had taken her own life rather than have to face years in a prison cell.
It was incomprehensible that she no longer breathed air.
Part of me wanted to feel a vindictive pleasure that she had done away with herself, but I couldn't.
Surprisingly I actually felt a kind of sadness for Tanya. Although she was those things that Demetri said. She was also someone's daughter she was someone's sister and more than that; she really just was a scared and lost soul. I knew how that felt. I knew how it felt to be scared and alone and abandoned and I also knew how easy it was to let bitterness at life's blows eat away at you until you couldn't see a situation clearly anymore.
It gave me compassion for Tanya, compassion I never thought I would be capable of giving her.
"I hope Tanya finds the peace that eluded her in this life. And Demetri it's ok that you don't feel sorry. She didn't make life easy for you or Irina..." I said softly, sincerely.
Demetri's eyes widened in surprise, but his sigh was exasperated,
"She didn't. She was a cruel, evil bitch that never thought of anyone but herself. She was never nice to Irina, but that didn't stop Irina from loving her. Tanya didn't deserve a sister like Irina." He shook his head "Anyway, I guess you want to get inside and see your babies and that man of yours...? Edward didn't really get time to say anything about the two of you... Irina kinda dropped her news straight away. So are you guys? You know...Ok now?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "we're going to give it another try, but you know with our track record and all that..." I shook of the pessimistic thought. I need to keep shutting them down and redirecting them into a more positive direction. "It's good to see you again Demetri." I grinned sheepishly. "Let's get this little Angel inside before he catches a cold."
We walked to the front door and I passed Oliver back to him. Suddenly Anxiety twisted my stomach. I hadn't spoken to Irina since the day we fought on the phone.
Memories of that conversation swirled though my head and anger bubbled in my stomach.
Irina's accusations rung in my ears, how I'd tossed Edward aside. How I didn't care enough to want to know how he was. How I'd had abandoned him to shack up with Jake and how I was fucked in the head for wanting to divorce him.
My hands clenched at my sides as resentment bubbled in the pit of my stomach. Could I find forgiveness for my former and Edward's best friend? Right now I could not answer that.
Demetri walked into the house ahead of me, I could hear Irina's muffed sobs coming from the kitchen and my stomach twisted again. I headed toward the stairs, thinking I would run myself a bath and leave Edward to comfort his friend.
I had only made it to the second step when Louis came running around the corner. He saw me and his face broke into an excited smile.
"RINA AND METRI MUMMY. THEY AT OUR HOUSE!" He yelled out happily, shattering the relative silence.
Before I had time to react Edward was at my side.
"Bella. Are you ok?" he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, "Irina and Demetri are here and... Shit. Baby, I need you to sit down before I tell you this."
"I already know Edward. Demetri told me," I said flatly, "I hope she finds some peace now," I said echoing what I had said earlier to Demetri.
I took no vindictive pleasure that Tanya had taken her own life. It just made me feel sick.
I pulled away from him but was unable to meet his gaze for some reason.
His finger slid along my jaw coming to rest under my chin. He tilted my face toward his,
"I love you." He said as he pressed his lips to mine. Although the kiss was chaste I could feel the reaffirming of his promise to stand by me. "If you are uncomfortable, I will ask them to leave." He said quietly.
I shook my head, "I'm not going to ask you to send your friends away Edward nor would I expect you to. I don't know how much Irina told you about the last time we spoke to each other, but it wasn't a pleasant conversation and ended even worse..." I whispered,
"She thinks I abandoned you, as you probably already know. I don't think it was fair of her to judge me on my actions but let you get away with yours scott free. It wasn't fair of her to judge me when she couldn't even begin to comprehend the horrors I've lived through."
There was no bitterness in my voice, I just stated it how I saw it.
"I don't hate her Edward I just think she should have tried walking a mile in my shoes before she said anything." I whispered.
Irina suddenly emerged from the kitchen, she was visibly upset, her eyes were red and swollen and she looked miserable.
"I'll... I'll call you Edward. I'm really sorry. I didn't know..." She shook her head and looked at me, "I wouldn't have come down if I knew that... I'm sorry. I don't want to make things..." She began but was cut off by Demetri.
"Ok. I know this is NONE of my business and we all know I usually prefer to just sit back and stay out of the drama... But you two." He looked between Irina and I, "You guys really need to talk this out. You guys were tight once, real tight and maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think whatever you guys were fighting about is really that important anymore.
Bella still seems to be the same old Bells to me and I know Irina is still the same old Irina. We used to be friends. All of us. I really fucking miss that. I miss those stupid parties, sans the drugs and booze, but I miss the FRIENDSHIP we had. And yeah, a lot of shit has gone down and been said, but at the end of the day, we aint getting any younger guys.
So, even though I may have you two ladies ripping my nads off shortly for making the biggest mistake of my life by sticking my nose in, I'm going to take Edward and I'm going to take my niece, nephew and son and we are going in that room over there. You guys can stay in here and just talk. Please. Cause I really can't take the awkwardness anymore!"
My surprised gaze roamed over Demetri's anxious face and I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. He was another innocent victim in the mess that was Edward and my relationship. I knew he must have really been hurting if he actually finally voiced his concerns.
I had no idea what to do or say. I couldn't ask them to leave; I couldn't tell Irina I didn't want to talk to her.
But I was afraid if I did talk to her it would end in me losing my temper and effectively ruining any chance of a reconciliation.
I looked at her tear streaked face and sighed. Irina had just lost her sister, it would be cruel and petty of me to order her from my sight. Beside that she was Edward's best friend, it would be unfair of me to come between them, especially when Edward had never begrudge me my friendship with Jake even though he knew we had been intimate it the past, something Irina and Edward had not been
My hands twisted together as my anxiety began to build, I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth as I stole a glance at Irina. Tears poured from her eyes and silent sobs racked her body and the residual anger I felt seemed to melt.
She looked truly wretched, in my peripheral vision I could see Edward trying to contain his own disconsolate expression. His loyalties were torn but I knew in my heart that if it came down to it his allegiance would be to me.
If there was one thing living in Nepal should have taught me was that forgiveness was divine.
"I...I guess I'm willing to try...If you are?" I mumbled giving Irina a small smile. Her tearful eyes widened in obvious surprise, she had been expecting a rebuff.
It seemed Irina was not the only one taken aback; Edward couldn't hide the surprise from his features but as I watched I could see pride taking dominance,
"Are you sure?" He asked quietly.
No I wasn't entirely sure but for everybody's sake, including my own I had to try.
Demetri caught my eye; he looked completely stunned that we actually listened to him. He opened his mouth a few times before he actually spoke, "Uh... Right. Good. Ok, we will...Uh, just be...in there then." He stuttered.
Irina looked up at me the surprise giving way to shock in her eyes as her gaze roamed over me. I guess I wasn't surprised, in the year since I had seen her last I had shed a fair amount of weight and life's trials showed in the dark shadows beneath my eyes and the visible lines on my face.
The last year had aged me.
"Shall we go into the kitchen?" I asked somewhat stiffly.
Irina gave me a nervous look but nodded her head and followed me into the kitchen and took a seat opposite me at the table.
She looked down at her hands, her expression slipping back to wretched once more,
"I am sorry Bella. I didn't know you would be here... I really don't want to make things uncomfortable for you and I certainly don't want to put any pressure on you and Edward. "She murmured her broken voice barely audibly, she looked up at me through tear filled eyes and guilt began to eat away at me.
Just like Demetri, Irina was a victim in mine and Edward's shambles of a marriage; I realized that we were as toxic to our friends as we were to each other.
I shook my head," You don't need to apologize for wanting to visit Edward, Irina. He had you to lean on when he was going through his own troubles. It's only fair that you should be able to turn to your friend when you have troubles of your own...And I want you to know I take no pleasure in the death of your sister. For all her faults I wish her peace."
I said sincerely.
"I know this is going to sound strange but I have some empathy for Tanya," I noticed the absence of fear now and I could speak her name quite freely, "I know how it feels to be blinded by your own hurt. To feel scared, confused and alone. And I know how easy it is to let bitterness take over your life. Your sister did some despicable things, things I do not understand but I do realize she was a soul in fear."
Irina couldn't hide the shock from her features,
"Thank you Bella. I just... I wish I had done more to help her when she was alive. But it's too late for all that now." She looked down at her hands before meeting my gaze once more, "I never meant to hurt you Bella. When you left, I mean. I tried to make him see, Edward, I tried to get him to snap out of whatever it was he was going through and it just didn't work. He wouldn't listen to me; he wouldn't really talk to me. I know why you had to leave, I just... I don't know why you shut me out. I tried to call, I tried to find out where exactly you were, but Carlisle was no help and I felt like I was losing both of my friends and I couldn't help either of them. I missed you. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I'm sorry if my being there for Edward hurt you. I didn't mean it too. I only wanted you two to be happy together again. It's all I've ever wanted. I just wanted you to both to be well and I couldn't seem to help you both at the same time."
I looked over at the woman I once called my sister and sighed. She looked completely forlorn, it was obvious she was barely holding herself together, the empathy I felt for Tanya was nothing compared to what I felt for Irina.
She needed support and she also needed to know why I treated her the way I had.
I got to my feet walked to where she sat and wrapped my arms around her,
"I was never jealous of your friendship with Edward until that day you rang me in Nepal. Neither you nor Edward had ever given me real reason to feel jealous. I just had no idea that Aro would allow you to see him. That just blindsided me. I...I listened to every message Aro left me about Edward's progress. He never said anything about allowing Edward to have visitors; if he had, I thought I would have been the first one to be able to see him. He was my husband after all. When you said you had been to see him, more than once it was like a slap in the face. I felt so low, a complete failure and it just reaffirmed what Edward had said the last time we saw each other, 'that he didn't want me.' It was unfair to take my anger out on you but I was just so hurt. Like I said before sometimes it's hard not to let bitterness take over your life. I resented you for being able to help Edward where I couldn't... I... hated you for being above me in his life." I confessed.
"I didn't know Bella." She said softly as she hugged me to her, "You have to know though; no one has ever been above you in his life. He is a jackass of epic proportions and the thing's he has done have made no sense whatsoever, but he always believed he was doing the best thing for you. He was so wrong it's not even funny, but he always held you highest and first in his heart. I could never and would never want to change that. I... I tried to help him Bella, but I don't think I did. I believe it was you all along. It's always been you where Edward is concerned."
She sniffled. "I... I tried to call you when Olly was born. I wanted to send you a picture but Carlisle wouldn't give me your address. I've still got a photo album full of pictures for you. I put it together... Just in case. You know everything worked out."
I fought back the flood of insecurities, t times I definitely didn't feel like that I came above all others in Edward's life, but I wasn't going to let those feelings show through. I was just going to take it one step at a time in rebuilding my shattered confidence and I wasn't going to burden others with my self esteem issues.
"Oliver's beautiful. He looks like you, you know. Much to Demetri's relief, so he tells me."
"Demetri is such a fool" She said fondly, looking to where her husband sat in plain view, making silly faces at the kids. "But he's my fool and I love him." She added softly. As if he could feel her gaze on him he looked up and gave her a wink. She smiled at him before turning back to me. "So does this mean you and Edward are...?" She trailed off.
Of course it was the billion dollar question, the one everyone wanted the answer to and the one I was most reluctant to answer. I didn't want the nebulous relationship put under any undue pressure.
I gave her a slightly embarrassed smile, " we are going to try...I... don't know if it will work though, our track record's not the best." As I spoke the words I realized that even if it didn't work out with Edward I would never be as broken as I had been in the last year.
After being away from Edward for a year and surviving it I knew if I had to I could survive a lifetime without him if I had to. I looked over at him and silently prayed I wouldn't have to.
I knew I still loved Edward as I watched him cuddle his children on his knee and it was time for me to tell him.
"Oh Bella. I might be losing my sanity right now because I'm the happiest most miserable person on the planet!" Irina suddenly exclaimed, "I'm so happy for you both. Really, truly happy and I'm happy that I have my friend back?"
She tightened her grip on me nearly crushing my ribs with the force of her hug.
A half choked giggle fell from my lips, "I'm happy to have my friend back to! So have you met Matisse and Noah yet?" I asked her as I detangled myself from her rib crushing embrace.
"No, I didn't think they would be here. I just thought it was Edward, Apple and Louis. Can I see them?"
"Of course you can," I grabbed Irina's hand, "I'm sure they'll be awake now, it's nearly time for their dinner."
I poked my tongue out at Edward and Demetri as I passed. I would have find a way to thank Demetri for finally breaking his silence and forcing Irina and I to confront our issues...I quietly opened the door to the twins room and found them both awake and watching the colourful mobiles hanging above their heads.
"Come on in their awake." I pulled Irina into the room and headed for Matisse's cot, "This is Matisse Amore," I said proudly as I lifted her into my arms. I kissed her chubby little cheek and passed her to Irina and went to grab Noah from his cot, "and this is Noah Jacob."
Noah watched Irina with bright eyed interest.
"She is adorable Bella." She took Noah's little hand in hers and kissed the top of it "Hello little man. I'm your aunty Irina."
Noah reached out tangling his fingers in Irina's strawberry blonde hair; she leaned forward and gave him a kiss.
He grinned happily at her completely at ease in her company as was Matisse.
We made our way out of the room and back down the stairs...
...Edward's gaze met mine as I came down the stairs, he gave me my favourite heart stuttering smile and my heart did skip a beat.
He was truly beautiful.
Long forgotten feelings stirred in the pit of my stomach. We hadn't been intimate other than to share a few kisses since we had agreed to get back together. We had yet to share a bed.
As I continued to gaze at him the feelings grew stronger, the warmth they generated began to radiate outward filling every part of me.
I wanted him physically, wanted us to share a bed once more.
Even though I gave him a shy smile I was sure he could see in my eyes what I was really thinking about. He had always been so good at reading me, especially when it came to sex.
I passed him Noah and turned to Demetri, "You know you should break your silence more often. You can actually work miracles when you voice an opinion." I threw my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek, "thanks,"
He chuckled and hugged me back, "Ah Bella. I am like a solar eclipse. I don't come out very often but when I do... Spectacular..."
"If you say so," I teased.
I left Edward, Demetri and Irina with the kids and went to start dinner. It had been so long since I had cooked; Leah had done all of that in Nepal. I had been spoilt with her. I threw a couple of vegetarian quiche's in the oven and had just started on a salad when Edward walked into the kitchen,
"Hey you," I said with a smile.
"Hey yourself" He said as he placed a kiss on my cheek, "You've made Irina pretty happy you know. I haven't seen her like this for a long time and considering the news she just received..." He kissed my cheek again, "If I haven't told you how amazing you are lately, I should be flogged for it."
I couldn't help but smile, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"
"No." He whispered, shock flittering across his features, "You haven't. Not for a very long time."
He stared at me intently as if he was waiting for me to say it again.
I gave him a coy smile, "Yeah I know I haven't...I do love you Edward Anthony Cullen."
He smashed his mouth to mine in a somewhat awkward kiss due to the smile on his face. He seemed to realize things weren't quite going as he planned so he sprinkled kisses all over my face,
"I love you too. Oh god so much," He breathed against my throat.
My arms laced around his neck as he lifted me onto the bench and my fingers automatically weaved into his hair. I sighed at the feeling; it felt like home. He crushed his mouth back on mine, I locked my legs around him holding him close to me, but it wasn't close enough.
Edward was kissing me with a ferocity that left me breathless but I refused to relinquish his mouth. The smouldering desire I had for him ignited in the pit of my stomach like an inferno and blazed a trail through my body. I wanted him so much it hurt; it felt like a life time since I'd ached for him this way. My lips moulded effortlessly to his and our mouths moved together in perfect sync; just as they always had.
Time seemed to standstill and everything else seemed to melt away while and I had actually forgotten about Irina and Demetri until his voice suddenly broke the silence.
"Oh fucking hell! Doesn't take you two fucking long does it? Guess some things will never change!" He lamented. I did not break the kiss and neither did Edward.
"What mummy and daddy doing?" Louis asked Demetri. I had not realized he was in the room. Even knowing he was I still could not find it in me to pull my lips from Edward's.
"Mummy and Daddy are making Uncle Demetri sick. And showing us an important lesson on kitchen hygiene. That's a what NOT TO DO." He answered my son, his tone serious.
I laughed against Edward's mouth, "I've missed his unique sense of humour...But I've missed you more." I murmured.
Finally I pulled my lips from his and yelled out to Demetri, "I'll spray down all the kitchen surfaces with janola if it will make you feel better Demetri...And I bet you and Irina have done worse things in your kitchen."
"Not when there are children present or we are making our guests dinner Bella!" Demetri hollered back "And make sure its hospital grade janola please."
"Jesus Demetri how the fuck does Irina put up with you?" I joked...
I looked at Edward, who looked as frustrated as I did at being interrupted, "I guess we should feed our guests. It would be rude to just leave them to fend for themselves...Maybe we could continue this when we're alone?" I mumbled.
Colour flushed my cheeks and for the billionth time in my life I silently cursed my mother for the affliction.
I had no idea if Edward was ready for what I was essentially asking him for, I wasn't entirely sure I was myself, but I was willing to try.
"I would love to continue this." He whispered against my lips before kissing me fully once more. My fingers tightened their grip in his hair holding his face to mine.
"Uh and just so you know, the children are hungry," Demetri's voice once more shattered the silence.
Edward sighed in frustration and asked me if I'd excuse him while he went and expressed his displeasure with Demetri.
I laughed quietly feeling lighter than I had in so long. Reluctantly I let him go so he could return to our guests.
No I'm all good in here you can go kick Demetri's ass if you want...Oh and "Edward would you like to ask Demetri and Irina if they'd like to stay at the cottage? It's just sitting empty." I called out s he made his way from the room...
...Dinner was a relaxed affair. It was wonderful to hear the laughter of my friends again. I didn't realize how much I had missed their company until I was back here with them. We seemed to easily slip back into our friendship, the conversation flowed effortlessly. Edward was sitting opposite me and I could barely keep my eyes off him. I don't think I had ever seen him so relaxed, so at ease with himself.
I kicked off my shoes and caressed the inside of his leg with my foot.
He was looking at me with a hint of a smirk and the muscles in the pit of my stomach tightened. The want for him physically was growing ever stronger. I wasn't sure if Demetri noticed the lustful looks Edward and I were sharing across the table but he suddenly announced he and Irina needed to get the already sleeping Oliver to bed...
...I held Edward hand tightly as we walked down the hallway, seeing Irina and Demetri off with a 'good night,' promising to see them for breakfast tomorrow.
As soon as I had shut the door on our friends Edward pulled me into his arms and smashed his mouth to mine. Again the fire burning inside me flashed molten hot. Whatever else had changed between Edward and I, the physical attraction was as strong as it ever was.
I crushed my body to his pushing him back into the wall, my fingers laced into his hair holding his face to mine as my lips moved against his willing ones with a growing urgency.
"Mummy kiss my daddy?" Apple's sweet voice suddenly sounded from down around my knees.
I quickly took a step back from Edward, the fire cooling instantly. I ha d forgotten the kids were still awake; "Mummy was kissing Daddy. Is Mummy allowed to kiss you?"
Surprisingly she reached out for me; I scooped her into my arms and rained kisses all over her face.
Her delicious laughter filled the air and I sighed in delight at the sound of it.
"Mummy loves you so much my baby girl." I kissed her cheeks again and earned another sweet giggle from her.
"Apple love my mummy. Love my Daddy and my Louis and Noah and my Tisse,"
"You're such a sweet girl Apple." I cooed adoringly.
She kissed my cheek and reached out for Edward, "My Daddy read me story?" Edward took her from my arms and kissed her cheek.
One look at Edward told me he wasn't overly excited about walking away from the kiss we just shared and the promise it held. He continued to watch me his expression becoming pensive as he searched for any signs that would alert him to what I was truly thinking.
Blood pooled beneath my cheeks I was suddenly feeling extremely nervous. As much as I wanted to be intimate with Edward again it had been such a long time. My body didn't look like it once did. My skin wasn't silky smooth and flawless as it once was.
Would the changes repulse him?
While Edward had seen the scars on my stomach left from the car crash, he hadn't seen the ugly sliver purple scars left on my back and across my breast from Tanya's knife or the deep stretch marks from carrying twins again.
The deeply rooted insecurities began to spread through me, trying to strangle the small mount of confidence I had gained. I knew I needed to let Him in and trust him that he wouldn't let the sight of my disfigured body send him off the deep end.
I shied away from the terrifying thought. I could feel myself trying to reconstruct the walls that would imprison me once more.
It was the ultimate defence mechanism; my mind would do whatever it took to protect itself from any more harm. I knew I had to stop myself from letting those thought patterns take over. But it was so hard.
If I couldn't let Edward in and trust him then we were doomed before we began.
There was only one thing I could do, I had to go against my natural inclination to run and hide and take a leap of faith instead.
"I might go and have a shower. Would...would you care to join me?" I murmured. The fear of rejection had me looking at my feet while I waited for his answer.
He hesitated for a minute and I started to panic. The sting of rejection began to burn through me, stronger than I had anticipated; it left me struggling to get air into my lungs. I wished I had never said anything.
I tried to remind myself that Edward had been patient with me and that he may not be ready to take that step, but it still hurt.
"Love... yes, I want to join you, but is it what you really want? I... I want you more than anything..." He said softly, sincerely.
"I want you to." I mumbled awkwardly my rigid muscles relaxing slightly, "But if you're not ready for that I totally understand... It's entirely up to you; I'm fine with any decision you make." I lied convincingly, "There's no pressure." I added giving him another chance to change his mind.
I leaned forward and kissed his cheek softly, "if I don't see you; sleep well and I will see you at breakfast." I wondered if the bed in the spare room was already made up.
My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, I kissed Apple's cheek and all but fled up the stairs, making a quick detour to kiss Louis, Matisse and Noah good night.
By the time I reached the bathroom my mind was a jumble of negative thoughts.
An internal battle raged inside me. How would I feel if Edward decided not to join me in the shower?
The level of hurt would be infinite, if he did not join me I would close myself off to him and then all would be lost.
I prayed silently that he would join me.
My insecurities began to gnaw at my insides and I quickly turned off the harsh and unforgiving main bathroom light in favour of the two small lamps. I couldn't bring myself to look at my naked reflection in the mirror; the image was bound to strip me of the tiny piece of courage I had regained. The hot water seemed to soothe my rigid muscles. I stood under the steady stream with my eyes closed trying desperately to rid my mind of all thought...
...It felt like a billion butterflies had been released in the pit of my stomach when I heard the bathroom door open and then close softly. The fluttering in the pit of my stomach intensified and I found it hard to catch my breath. I closed my eyes trying desperately to keep my composure.
A moment later Edward slipped into the shower behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. My heart stopped beating when his lips brushed lightly along my neck.
"May I wash you Bella?" He whispered against my throat.
Although it felt wonderful to have his skin against mine again a blush spread over my cheeks. My insecurities flared up worst than before.
How could Edward not be turned off by the way I looked now? Not only was my body littered with scars it wasn't the same lithe body he had once known like the back of his hand.
My weight loss had turned my toned limbs into near skin and bone.
Edward was awaiting an answer and I didn't want to him to think I had changed my mind.
"Um...if you would like to...my body's a bit of a mess at the moment, sorry." I whispered. I wrapped my arms across my stomach and kept my eyes squeezed shut.
Edward removed my arms from stomach.
"Please don't hide from me. You are beautiful My Bella." He let my hands go and ran his fingers across my stomach. "These aren't something to be ashamed of love. Do you know what I see when I look at them?"
"No..." I trembled under his touch; it felt both new and familiar at the same time.
"I see devotion. Your devotion as a mother and your devotion as a wife. I see proof of how much you love us all... I love these, I only have to see them, feel them and I can feel the extent of your gift to us. I don't see shame Bella; I see pride, love and strength. You shouldn't try to hide, be proud my wife, be proud of the loving, giving person that you are."
He slid around in front of me and knelt down, "You are beautiful my love... You take my breath away."
I fought off my natural urge to cringe away from the compliment, though I may not have believed what he said I tried to appreciate it all the same.
He stood up and reached out tentatively, running his fingers across the scar at the top of my breast. "This... This is a testament to your strength Bella. The only thing I will think of when I see it is your fierce endurance. You are so strong, I see you, I see this, and it makes me want to be strong too. You inspire me my angel, you must see that?..." He leaned down and kissed the scar, and a shiver went through me, "Be proud of who you are Isabella Cullen, because lord knows, I am."
Edward got to his feet, unconsciously I took a step toward him and wrapped my arms around his waist, "You are beautiful to you know...?" I brushed my lips against his and smiled.
He reached down and swept the wet hair from my cheeks "Are you sure about this Bella? I'll love you no matter what you decide..."
"I want to be with you Edward. You're my husband and I love you," I said it with as much conviction as I could. I was scared and I knew he was to, but we both had to make a leap of faith.
He brought his lips to mine and I could feel the need in his kiss. I responded with a small moan and shivered involuntarily as his fingers dipped between my thighs and he began to touch me. My hands went instinctively to his hair; my foot came to rest against the cool tiled wall of the shower. My body was tingling, alive with the constant flow of energy between us and the familiarity of his touch.
"I've missed your touch Edward." I murmured against his lips.
"As I have missed touching you...I love you Isabella."
Edward had not forgotten anything about what made me feel good in our year apart. His fingers and thumb moved in perfect harmony exactly the way I loved it.
I could feel my orgasm approaching but my mind was full of conflicting emotions. I was confused about how I felt, there were so many feelings coursed through me, each fighting for dominance over the others and over me.
My body and my mind were not working in sync and it frightened me a little.
Edward obviously sensed my hesitation because his voice suddenly sounded softly in my ear. "Please trust me angel, and let me do this for you... Let me give you this. Will you cum for me Bella?" He breathed against my neck.
My body reacted instinctively to his request; it remembered the magic of his touch. I let my orgasm wash over me; the release after months of tension was overwhelming.
The million different emotions seemed to combine and flood through my body with such force it took my breath away. I couldn't stop the torrent of suppressed feelings that had burst forth and a low sob tore from my throat.
I held Edward tighter as I broke down on his shoulder. He stayed quiet as I fought to get myself under some measure of control and he was still silent when I finally pulled myself together and looked up at him.
He kissed me softly and reached for my bodywash.
Not a word was spoken between us as he washed every inch of my skin, nor when he dried me off and carried me to our bedroom and placed me on our bed. I watched him curiously as he went to the bedside table and pulled open the draw removing something I could not see.
He never spoke until he was in bed next to me.
He was laying on his side his head resting in his palm, I looked at him and I knew my expression was blank; masking my multitude of emotions. His finger slid across my cheek and along my jaw,
"My Bella." He breathed.
"My Edward," I whispered into the semi darkness. He took my hand in his, I looked down at our hands in surprise when he gently eased my wedding and engagement rings back on my finger.
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I stared at the symbols of the commitments we had made; Edward had reaffirmed his vows to me.
"So brave," He murmured kissing my fingertips then the rings he'd just placed on my finger, "Bella, I want to...I want to touch you again."
My heart skipped a beat, "I'd like that..." I whispered.
His lips brushed mine as he rolled on top of me, "Are you sure?... There's no going back from this."
"Yes...I'm sure," There was no hesitation or fear in my voice. I knew what I wanted.
He slid into me with a gasp, his eyes rolling back in his head for a moment before snapping back to mine. I stared into the emerald green hoping to read his thoughts, but I could decipher nothing in their turbulent depths.
A low growl slid from his lips.
I understood the intensity of the feelings, had I not just experienced the same thing? I did not take my eyes from Edward's as he struggled to deal with the barrage of emotions. Slowly the turmoil began to calm, a sense of serenity returning to the emerald green, the colour deepened and they sparkled like jewels in the soft light.
Edward kept his eyes on mine as he began to rock gently against me. The feeling of him was both familiar yet new. His body, like my own we not was it once was, he had lost muscle mass and weight, yet we still fit the contours of each others bodies perfectly.
We held each other's gaze; I could see Edward's thoughts quite clearly in his eyes. He wanted redemption from the hurt he had caused me. He was apologising again, this time without words and there was promise there as well, the promise that he would never forsake me again.
"I love you Edward Cullen" I whispered; hoping he would hear in my voice and see in my eyes the redemption he sought.
I never held back this time, I allowed my walls to clench around him freely, as I let my orgasm carry me away. My eyes stayed trained on his as he followed me over the edge.
He pressed himself against me and I reaffirmed my grip on him.
"I love you. I have never stopped." He whispered as he began to move inside me once more...
EDWARD'S POV...
I got off the plane; my only bag was slung over my arm. Anything I needed I would buy while there, I didn't really have the time or inclination to pack. My eyes searched the crowded airport, looking for the one face that would make everything right once more.
When I spotted her I broke into a smile and walked towards her "Hey you." I said coming to a stop right in front of her.
"Hey yourself," Bella said thickly, tears gushed down her cheeks. Bella stepped forward and my heart stopped beating when she wrapped her arms around me.
It was everything when her lips touched mine and I couldn't help but sigh in happiness. I made no move to deepen the kiss, but I moved my mouth against her own as I pulled her body closer to mine.
When we both needed to breathe I broke the kiss and smiled down at her, wiping the tears off her cheeks with the thumb of one hand. "Why are you crying?"
"I'm crying cause I'm happy you're here, It felt wrong leaving you behind."
I pressed my lips gently against hers once more "I've always been with you Bella. Just like you've always been with me." We were getting a few stares but I didn't really care. She was in my arms; I could taste her on my lips. The scent of her was filling every part of my being. I didn't care who saw that. "I've found my happiness Bella." I whispered against her cheek "You take it with you wherever you go."
She smiled shyly, she was fucking beautiful. "So shall we blow this popsicle stand?" She mumbled.
I smiled and hitched my bag back onto my shoulder and walked with Bella outside to her waiting car. I climbed into the passenger seat without hesitation and leaned back against the headrest closing my eyes and sighing in contentment. I hadn't realised that I had actually fallen asleep until I felt Bella gently shaking my shoulder and telling me that we were at her house.
"Shit!" I exclaimed looking at her apologetically "I'm sorry Bella." I yawned loudly.
I had gotten no sleep on the plane... I actually couldn't remember the last time I had slept. The night before Bella had left I had been tossing and turning, agonising over her impending departure. I did some quick math in my head and realised I hadn't slept in over forty eight hours.
"You don't need to apologize for falling asleep Edward. I am sorry however for having to wake you but I'm fairly certain you'll find the bed in the spare room more comfortable than sleeping in the car."
I blinked sleepily and nodded, another large yawn breaking free from me. I followed Bella into the house and I was assaulted at once by the familiar scent of my family. I could tell they were all here, it was wonderful and a smile broke out across my face as I followed her quietly to the spare bedroom.
She stood back from the door and allowed me to walk inside where I stared at the bed longingly. I was beyond exhausted, but I dumped my bag on the floor next to the bed and walked towards Bella, pulling her into the room and closing the door behind us before I kissed her.
Bella had tensed the moment I closed the door and I realised at once what may have gone through her head. "I just didn't think you would want the kids waking up and seeing me here yet."
I kissed her cheek, watching her dark eyelashes flutter closed. She looked so beautiful and though certain parts of my body would have been more than happy to extend our reunion further, I knew it was not the time.
For either of us.
"I told you Bella, I will NEVER ask you for more than you are ready to give me. I love you too much to push you." I said sincerely.
"Thank you Edward. It's still frightening you know."
I kissed the tip of her nose before releasing her "I know it is. You aren't going to trust me again overnight Bella. I don't expect that and I don't think..." I yawned once more "you should either. Baby steps Juliet. I can wait forever."
"Baby steps sound good...you really need to get some sleep, you'll need all your energy to keep up with Apple once she sees you again."
I flopped down on the bed unable to keep myself upright anymore and smiled at the ceiling. "I can't" I yawned again, "wait."
"Good night Edward,"
Bella turned off the light and softly shut the door on her way out...
I woke with a groan and looked at the time on my cellphone. It was already midday. I stood and stretched working any kinks out of my aching muscles before quickly changing my clothes and making my way out of the room. I checked the corridors quickly, looking for any signs of the twins before searching out the kitchen.
I helped myself to a cup of tea before sitting down at the kitchen counter and taking my pills. My phone vibrated and I looked down a frown crossing my face when I saw who it was. I really didn't want to answer but I knew I had no choice. I flipped open my phone and held it away from my ear as I answered.
"Uh, hey mum. How are you?" I said tentatively
"HOW AM I?" She thundered down the phone. "Oh I don't know Edward. I'm just GREAT. I called your house last night, but guess what? No one was there. I called your cellphone. No answer. Now, I'm not trying to be an overbearing mother here..."
I snorted at that and quickly turned it into a cough, "Sorry mum. Something stuck in my throat."
"I bet. Edward, I worry about you. You just disappear off the face of the earth and I WORRY. The last time you did that I nearly lost my son... I'm not going to go through that again."
"Well you got me now." I said and she sighed in exasperation
"Yes. Aro told me you had decided to take a vacation but he wouldn't say where."
"I'm in Nepal with Bella." I said swallowing a mouthful of tea and washing my medication down. "I'm fine and I'm not going to get into this right now ok?"
"Oh Edward, honey, is this really such a good idea? Your recovery, if something happens, if you two fight..." she said worriedly.
"Mum its FINE. If we fight, we will deal with it ok? I'm not going to hit the booze, I'm not going to off myself, I'm happy ok? For the first time in a long time I'm HAPPY. Just... Don't worry about me ok? I'm fine, everything is fine."
"I can't help but worry. You're my little boy..."
I burst out laughing at that. "Thanks Mum. Every grown man wants to hear that."
She chuckled and when she spoke her voice was a little calmer and softer "Just like your father. You charm the angry right out of me."
I looked up and saw Bella standing in the doorway, looking at me nervously. I smiled at her and held up a finger, indicating I wouldn't be a moment. "Look Mum, I've got to go ok? I'll call you tomorrow; I don't want you going grey."
"Cheeky bugger." She laughed. "Ok honey, just be careful ok? And look after yourself. I love you."
"I will mum. Love you too." I said hanging up the phone. I looked up at Bella and smiled "Sorry beautiful, she's kinda changed a bit like I said before. So much BOSSIER now." I took a sip of my tea and gave her an apologetic look "I hope you don't mind, I helped myself."
"She cares about you, you could have done worse. I hope she's not too angry you're here...And you're welcome to help yourself. There's lots of fruit and veggies, all grown here on the estate and my students make the best yoghurt in Nepal," I said proudly. "So I guess you'll be wanting to see the kids? They're in Apple and Louis' Garden."
I laughed "They have their own garden do they? I would love to see them... Do you think... It's not going to set them back or anything is it? I don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have." I said. I ran a hand through my hair nervously. I couldn't wait to see them, but I didn't want to cause them anymore pain.
"Edward having you in their lives never hurt them, it's your absence that did that. As long as you're sure this is what you want. Parenthood's a lifelong commitment. Are you really positively sure YOU are ready."
"I'm a little scared." I admitted honestly. "But I'm ready. Ready but scared." I gave a nervous laugh.
"You'll do fine Edward just remember these are your children they love you more than anything and you love them. It's gonna be ok." She walked over and wrapped her arms around me and kissed the top of my head, "Thank you for sharing your fears with me."
I held her against me and laughed "So I don't sound like a loser who doesn't have his shit together?" I joked.
"Well you don't sound like you have it completely together but that's ok. And you don't sound like a loser either... So let's go Romeo there's a couple of little people who have been deprived of your company far too long."
I walked into the garden with Bella and spun the little wheels that she told me was compulsory. I didn't understand why I had to do so, but I obeyed. As we made our way into the garden I saw two sombre little children staring up at the multitude of coloured flags hanging from the trees.
I came to the edge of the garden where they sat and stared up at them too. "I like the green ones." I said softly.
Apple's little head whipped around and I was confronted with the cherubic face of my eldest daughter, it felt like a life time since I had looked into the deep emerald eyes that mirrored my own. Every coppery freckle on her nose was still where it had always been, her pink rosebud lips were just as full as they had ever been. Her bronze hair was longer, a mass of fiery curls, but she was still the same, she was still my daughter, still my Apple.
Her little green eyes stared at me for the longest time, her sweet little face was frozen in shock apart from her tiny mouth it opened and closed like she was trying to form words. Finally her beautiful face flickered into life; she reached out her little hand reached out to touch my face. I could see she was struggling to comprehend that I was real, that I was right there in front of her.
The moment her fingers grazed my cheek she let out an ear piercing scream, it echoed through the trees and scared away a pair of birds, they squawked angrily as they took flight.
I froze in fear, not sure what to make of Apple's reaction. Had my sudden reappearance in her life hurt her in some way? Before I could ask Bella what I should do my daughter launched herself into my arms, her arms wrapped around my neck her delicate fingers twined in my hair and she rained kisses all over my face.
She let me go and brought her tiny hands to face holding my cheeks firmly as she stared into my eyes.
"APPLE DADDY...APPLE DADDY...My daddy all better now. Apple Daddy better and you came home. My mummy not let me make my Daddy better. I make you all better my daddy. Just me. Apple love my Daddy. Just my Daddy. I miss you. You not sick now. I make you better" The words tumbled out of her mouth without pause all spoken in her sweet soprano voice. God I had missed her melodic voice.
The most heartbreakingly beautiful smile spread across her cherubic face and tears sprung to my eyes.
I hugged my daughter to me tightly crying into her red little curls. "I missed you too princess. I'm sorry daddy wasn't here, I'm so very, very sorry baby." I looked down into her trusting little eyes and felt my heart simultaneously break and heal all at once "I love you Apple Cullen." I whispered into her hair.
"Daddy?" Louis whispered from his mother's arms.
I looked up as I heard my son's questioning voice. I went to stand up and Apple came with me her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I put her on my hip and held her tightly while I stared into the unreadable eyes of my oldest son.
"Hey little man." I said softly. He was so hesitant.
I held out an arm to him but he just clung tighter to Bella while he stared at me. I let my arm drop to my side and tried to mask the hurt on my face. I knew why he was acting that way and I didn't blame him. Not at all. He was more than entitled to be angry and disappointed in my behaviour.
"I'm sorry Louis." I said staring him in the eyes. "I'm very sorry that I let you down son."
He watched me silently for a long moment. Bella whispered something to him and took a step toward me. My son kept his gaze firmly on mine, his eyes were impossible to read.
"My daddy," He finally said reaching out his hand.
I took his hand and as soon as we touched he launched himself at me. His brown eyes stared at me, still full of questions and hurt, but he was there in my arms and that was all that mattered. I hugged my children to me tightly, openly weeping in my happiness to have them back with me.
The final piece of my heart fell back into place and I felt whole once more.
"Apple show my daddy; his prayer flags and show my daddy his prayer wheel?"
...We spent the entire afternoon in Apple and Louis' garden, my eldest son and daughter did not let me go they both kept contact with me the whole time, if they weren't clinging to my hands they were perched on my hips. Matisse and Noah played around us, if they got too close Apple would hiss at them.
She was so possessive and although I knew it was wrong of her to act like that toward her siblings, her possessiveness filled me with happiness, it showed me how much my daughter wanted me in her life.
Feeling my children's hands in mine, seeing their shinning little face smiling up at me filled me with a happiness I had never felt, I was euphoric. For the first time I understood what Aro had been telling me about unconditional love.
It was clear in the eyes and the hugs of my children that they loved me today just as much as they ever had. They would not hold my failings as a father and my past transgressions against me. Apple and Louis although both still hurt were as ecstatic to have me back as I was to be back, they loved me, they still called me Dad.
I was humbled by their capacity for love and forgiveness.
They both still clung to me as we made our way back to Bella's cottage. I clung to them just as tightly...
"No mummy not you put me to bed." Apple whined at her mother, her tiny face screwed up in anger, "Only my Daddy. I make my Daddy better." She said possessively.
"Ok Apple Daddy can put you to bed." Bella gave up fighting with an exasperated sigh
"Not my mummy. She mean to Apple not let Apple make her daddy better." My baby girl muttered.
I guess you're on bedtime duties, for the next ten years," Bella said jokingly, although her voice was light I knew she was masking her hurt.
I watched Apple's interaction with her mother and gave a small sigh. She was blaming the wrong parent for the hurt she felt and as I saw Bella turn away with tears in her eyes I decided I needed to set it right. I was going to be a Dad. Not just for the good times but the not so great ones too.
I sat down on Apples bed next to her and looked at her seriously.
"Apple can Daddy have a talk with you before bedtime? It's very important and I need you to be a big girl and listen to Daddy ok?" I kept my tone light and even as her large green eyes studied me. I heard Bella stop in the doorway and turn around to listen herself. "Daddy was sick. Very sick and as you know he had to go away for a while to get better."
She opened her tiny mouth to answer that, shooting Bella a dirty look over my shoulder, but I pressed a finger to her lips stopping her.
"You have to listen to daddy, remember?" She nodded, but kept her accusatory eyes fixed on Bella.
"Daddy couldn't get better and be a very good daddy at the same time, that's why you and your sister and brothers couldn't be around sweetheart. Mummy was very sad too my princess, but she had to be so brave and strong, because Daddy couldn't be. She had to be a mummy and a daddy all at once"
Apple giggled a little at that and moved her angry gaze from Bella back to me. "Your mummy is the best mummy in the world princess and you are so lucky to have her. You really hurt her and me too when I see you hit her or yell at her. I don't want to see you do those kinds of things ever again ok? Brave and strong mummies like yours deserve kisses and cuddles not hitting and yelling."
"Apple mummy not mean? Daddy go away make me sad. Apple wanted to be with my Daddy, make my daddy better but my Mummy say no." Her wide green eyes stared up at me full of questions, "Apple not hit my Mummy? Apple sad: my mummy sad."
"No more hitting mummy ok? We don't want her to be sad anymore, we don't want anyone to feel sad. We're all going to be happy now. I love so much my princess." I lay down next to her sighing happily as she snuggled into my side.
"I love you my Daddy," she chirruped as she wrapped her arms around me in a death grip.
"G...Goodnight Apple...Sweet...dreams," I whispered as I watched her tiny eyelids flutter closed. I waited until Apple and Louis were both deeply asleep before slipping out quietly and closing the door behind me.
I made my way to the lounge where I sat down to quietly wait for Bella. If I were being honest with myself, I didn't feel entirely comfortable in this house. I felt like a guest, and I didn't want to feel that way, but there was little I could do. I reminded myself that it would all take time, time and patience. I did a couple of the relaxation techniques I had learned, counting my breathing and focusing on my body, until I felt myself relax entirely.
I smiled when Bella came into the room, but my smile quickly dropped as I took in her face.
She was nervous; in fact, she looked like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She mumbled something about Apple coming around and my father calling before she began twisting her hands in her lap nervously.
When she closed her eyes and began to sway back and forth, I grabbed her shoulders gently. "Shh." I said, pulling her into my embrace and just holding her.
Her head rested against my shoulder and I stroked her hair and back softly, until I felt some of the tension leave her. It wasn't until a few minutes had passed that I felt I could ask her what was wrong.
I couldn't imagine my father saying anything horrible to Bella, not anymore. He had become her protector since my breakdown and even though it had nearly cost him his marriage, he had refused to abandon her. I wondered exactly what news he could have given her that would have upset so.
"Are you feeling ok now?" I whispered kissing the top of her head. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Bella suddenly looked up at me and I was jolted by the shockwave that shot through me, her eyes almost completely black; I watched her pupils dilate further as her absolute terror took over them completely. Before I could really register my shock she pulled her hands from mine and practically leapt across the room, eyeing me like I was dangerous predator when I asked if she wanted to talk about it.
I was terrified that all the progress we had made was quickly unravelling and I watched her for any sign that my fears might be true.
She stood silently in the doorway; dozens of emotions flickered across her face, so fast I had no chance of deciphering them.
I held my breath as I waited for her to say something.
"I have to go back to New Zealand..." She finally said. Her voice shook with fear, terror, "They have set a date for Ta...Ta...The trial," She said, her body practically shaking, she was petrified. I noticed she could not even say Tanya's name and I was filled with an overwhelming sadness for Bella. She had been putting on a good front of coping, but she quite obviously wasn't. "I have to testify."
Her voice broke on the last word and I stood to move towards her. She flinched taking a small step back and I stilled. She was frightened of me too. I could not blame her for that I sat back down slowly, every movement, deliberate and precise. I put a hand on each knee, so she could see where they were before I spoke.
"Are you afraid of seeing Tanya again, or are you afraid of something else Bella?" I asked softly, keeping my gaze on her at all times and being very careful to stay as still as possible. She watched me, like prey watches it's predator before she finally got the courage to speak.
"How could I not be afraid of her? I...I'm not scared of you Edward. I'm scared of how you're going to react." She murmured in barely more than a whisper.
I wasn't surprised by her statement at all.
"Well, how about I tell you how the information you just gave me, makes me feel? To start with," Bella didn't say anything so I took that as a sign to continue. "I'm scared. For you. I'm worried about you having to face her again in a courtroom, in ANY room. I would like so very much to stop that from ever happening, but it is not within my power to do so. The only thing I can do is support you through this. I can stand beside you the whole way if you want me too. Tanya..." I trailed off trying to get my thoughts in order.
"She doesn't scare me like she used to. See, I used to think she would never be happy until she had destroyed me and she knew the best way to do that was through you. That was always my biggest fear, you being hurt or worse dying because of me. She really was the fucking monster in my closet, but one day, I realised... She is just a very sick, very fucking twisted woman and I refuse to let her win. She WANTS me to be miserable and hurt, just like she does. And I played into that. I did my best to systematically destroy my life thinking I was doing the right thing, when all I was doing was letting her win. I'm not going to do that anymore. Tanya is nothing to me. I don't fear her. I don't pity her. I feel... nothing. She is just a bad memory and once this court case is done, I'm hoping that she will be simply a bad memory to you too," I looked at Bella "This really doesn't affect me Bella. The only part that worries me is how it affects YOU."
Anger flashed across her face but she quickly reined it in. She was silent, thoughtful for a long time. She continued to stare at me and I swore I could read in her eyes the internal battle that raged within her.
"Have you thought about having to sit in that courtroom and listen to a blow by blow account of what Tanya did to me that day?" she asked suddenly, her chocolate brown eyes boring into mine, "Have you thought for one second what that's going to do to you. Do you think I want you to have your head filled with horrific images that are going to haunt you for the rest your life? Do you think I want to be the cause of your suicidal hate again?"
Her eyes clenched shut, her expression one of utter desolation, of utter hopelessness. My heart clenched painfully. I wanted to stand and take her into my arms, but I forced myself to remain exactly where I was.
"Bella." I began softly "I haven't forgotten what she did to you. Those images will be with me till the day I die and I wish that they had never happened. But they did. I can't change it now. Neither can you. Just like you can't change what happened afterwards. You keep trying to shoulder the blame. You didn't cause my mental decline and you didn't force the bottle into my hand. I made mistakes and I accept them and the consequences. But I won't be ruled by my mistakes anymore. I won't be ruled by fear anymore. I'm living my life for today and for tomorrow, not for yesterday."
Her eyelids finally fluttered open and I was confronted with full scale of fear and despair that plagued my wife. I could see her being crushed under the sheer weight of it. She was completely broken.
"I...I don't know...I don't know what to do...So hard to trust myself...So Hard to believe what you say." She confessed brokenly, her voice was so dark, so bleak.
I couldn't watch her the way she was anymore; she looked like she was literally crumbling, right before my very eyes. I stood and slowly moved towards her, pulling her into my arms and holding her against me.
"One day at a time my sweet girl. One day at a time. It's all your choice, remember? If you want me there, I will be there, if you don't, then I will be waiting for you. I love you Bella. I love you so much and I don't want to ever hurt you again. Just tell me what you need and I will do my best to fulfil those needs." I kissed the top of her head.
"I don't know what I need. I...I just need help"
I sighed. I had faced my demons, but I was almost certain that Bella had simply repressed hers and pushed them beneath the surface. I hugged her tighter.
She burrowed her face into my chest; I could feel her taking gulping breaths.
"Bella. You need to talk to someone. You need a safe person to let all this out to before it eats you alive." I didn't know how she would react to my suggestion, but I had to say it.
She was scared, of me, of Tanya, of everything, but the most concerning thing was that she was scared of herself.
Bella's arms wound around my waist, I couldn't believe how delicate she felt even though she held onto me in death grip; she had all but welded herself to me. "I need you Edward. I need you to stay with me and never leave. Will you promise me? I mean swear to me on the lives of our children you will never hurt me, swear you'll never leave me again..." She begged quietly.
I held her tightly "I promise you Bella. I will be here for you as long as you want me, I will be here and I won't leave." I could feel her trembling in my arms and I tilted her head up till I could look into her eyes. "I swear Isabella Cullen. I swear I will be the best husband and father I can be."
She held herself to me, "I want you to be my husband," She murmured quietly.
I want you to be my husband, The sheer joy that exploded inside me when she said that... it was indescribable.
"Do you mean it Bella?" I whispered "Are you sure?" I wanted to kick myself for offering her an out, but logically I knew it would only work between us if she were sure. If she really wanted me and meant it.
"Yes, I mean it..."
I beamed down at her "Thank you." I said "Thank you for making me the happiest man alive." I leaned down and captured her mouth with my own and into that kiss I poured all my hopes and dreams and regrets and apologies.
Everything that made up the man I was, I put into that kiss, showing her that I was hers and no one else's. With one simple kiss, I promised her louder than any words I could have actually spoken aloud.
Apple's scream cut through the haze of happiness I had found with Bella. Bella asked if I would go to her and I nodded reluctantly, I had not wanted to leave her side when we had reached such a juncture in our relationship.
"Good timing Apple." I mumbled as I made my way down to her room.
As soon as I opened the door, I saw Louis sitting there patting his sister on the shoulder, a tired and exasperated look on his face. Apple, however, looked as though she were ready to tear the house down. As soon as she saw me she leapt of the bed and threw herself into my arms.
I held her to my chest while she mumbled about thinking I had left her again.
I sat down on the bed next to Louis who was regarding me with a wary expression as I settled myself. Apple curled herself into a ball on my chest and almost promptly fell asleep while Louis continued to stare at me.
After a while I held out an arm to him and he climbed underneath it. My eldest son was never a big talker, but from a simple expression you could read so much. I held them close to my chest as my drifted over all that had just transpired between Bella and I, we had taken a huge leap tonight but there was still so far left to go. I had no idea how this trial was going to affect Bella but I doubted she'd be able to shoulder the burden. My wife was strong but she was barely keeping herself together as it was.
Part of me wished I had killed Tanya when I had the chance.
I pulled my kids closer to my chest and shook off the dark thought; I needed to find a positive way to help Bella.
Abruptly I felt exhausted, I closed my eyes and made a conscious effort to still my mind. Within minutes I could feel unconsciousness pulling me under.
Now that I had my wife and children back in our home on Waiheke, I had finally relaxed; I hadn't grown any fonder of Bella's cottage in Nepal in the days that I had stayed with my family there. This was our home, this is where we belonged.
Bella had gone for a walk, leaving me alone with the children which I was more than happy about. It felt good to be finally pulling my weight as a parent and productive member of our family. I had only just got the younger twins down for a sleep when Apple's ear shattering scream burst through the air. I rushed to see what the hell had happened and paused when I saw her standing at the doorway bouncing up and down on the spot.
She realised I was behind her and looked at me, then pointed to the three people standing in the doorway and back to me again. Her mouth was trying to move, to form some kind of words I supposed, but her brain didn't seem to have quite caught up.
"Irina, Demetri and that's their son Oliver?" I tried to help her with a smile and she nodded so quickly, it appeared her head would fall off. "Are you going to say hello?" I said with a smile, my daughter's excitement was infectious and I found myself grinning along with her, despite all the worries scattering through the back of my mind.
Bella and Irina had a... tense relationship to say the least and I didn't want to upset Bella or make her feel ambushed in her own home.
"Hello Apple!" Irina said, breaking the silence and bending down with her arms wide open. Apple didn't need any further encouragement and she leapt into her arms, hugging her tightly. "I missed you too sweetie" Irina said and it was then that I noticed the red rims of her eyes and the dark circles underneath them.
She had been crying. A lot. The happy demeanour that normally radiated from my friend was missing and another barrage of worry slammed into me.
What was wrong with her?
Demetri and Olly appeared to be fine, though Demetri looked quite tired himself.
"METRI!" Louis hollered as he barrelled around the corner and straight into Demetri's legs. He bent down and hugged Louis with one arm, asking him how he had been and commenting on how much bigger he seemed.
Louis was quite pleased with that and his tiny chest puffed out proudly.
I looked over my children's heads at my best friends with a frown "Why don't you come inside guys? You look tired." I said pointedly at Irina. It was the wrong thing to say as she promptly burst into tears.
Apple looked up at her in confusion and Irina hurriedly wiped at her eyes with a smile "Aunty Irina is just so happy to see you Apple. Happy tears." She obviously fibbed.
We made our way inside and Demetri quickly garnered the attention of my two excitable children who were anxious to meet their cousin Oliver. I looked at Demetri in confusion and he surreptitiously and desperately pointed at Irina who was sitting alone in the kitchen. I made my way over to her and put an arm around her shoulders. I had never seen her look so upset before and I was worried.
"Hey. What's wrong?" I said softly. She turned to me with watery, red eyes and the look of pain that I saw there almost had me choking up too.
"I'm sorry Edward. I didn't realise you would have the children. Felix and Kate were staying with Aro for a holiday and we had to come up and tell them the news. I couldn't tell Kate over the phone. Then I saw the windows open down here and I knew you must have been home so I told Demetri I wanted to... I needed a friend." She finished in a broken whisper.
I grabbed the box of tissues off the counter and handed them to her. She took a handful and wiped at her eyes before looking at me again. "I shouldn't be doing this to you. Not after everything... I'm so sorry." I was worried. Irina was a strong, confident woman, nothing like the pained, broken woman sitting before me. I rubbed her back consolingly.
Whatever had upset her was obviously bad. "Tell me honey. What's going on?" I said gently.
She looked up at me with such sad regretful eyes. "It's Tanya. She killed herself."
I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. I sat down on the chair next to Irina and stared at her in disbelief. "What? When?" I asked.
"Yesterday. She turned one of her bed sheets into a noose and hung herself. I... I don't know what to feel Edward! My sister is dead, and she did some of the worst things one human being could possibly do, but she was still my SISTER and I remember times when she WASNT like that, you know? I remember when we were kids and Kate cut all the hair off my Barbie dolls, so Tanya gave me some of hers. Then she went and decapitated all of Kate's." Irina sobbed "But then I remember everything she did to you and what she did to Bella... And I don't know! It feels wrong to be sad about her... her ... death." She broke down and I hugged her while she wept.
I felt for my friend. I imagined if Emmett or Jasper had done the things that Tanya did... Would I hate them? Or would I still feel some love for them? I didn't think I could hate them. No matter what they would still be my brothers and I wouldn't want them dead, not ever.
"Don't worry Irina. Nobody would blame you for feeling Sad that your sister died. It's a completely normal, natural reaction." I said.
"I had to call Dad and tell him Edward. He was a mess. He thought he could help Tanya. He was getting the best doctors and psychiatrists to help her... He thinks he failed her Edward. He wants me to organise having the body sent back to France and I just don't know if I can do all of that! Demetri has been so good, but I know he hated Tanya just as much as everyone else... Kate is upset but you know Kate, she is pretty self involved and with all the financial troubles her and Felix are having, she doesn't seem to really care all that much! I'm the only one here who can do anything and... And..."
She broke into loud sobs and Demetri came into the room quickly. He looked at Irina and then down at Oliver who was watching his mother with large round, watery eyes.
Irina saw him and looked at Demetri worriedly "take him outside babe. He's seen me crying enough and you know how much it upsets him." She tried to offer her son a smile, but Olly just wasn't buying it.
His bottom lip began to quiver and Demetri nodded. "Ok. But if you need me..." Irina looked at her husband, her eyes filled with love and adoration.
"I always need you. Always. But our son needs you a little more. I'll be fine."
Demetri returned his wife's look and I couldn't help but smile. It never ceased to amaze me how those two could love each other so utterly and completely. They were perfectly in tune with each other's wants and needs, one always accommodating the other but always in perfect balance.
He took Olly outside and I quickly checked on my two children who were happily playing with their toys in the lounge. I looked back at Irina. "Don't worry about Tanya's body. We can get some people at Cullen Industries onto doing all the organising for that. You just worry about YOU and your family ok?" I said taking her hand and squeezing it reassuringly. "Is your Dad coming over?" I asked.
Irina nodded and looked down at her hands. "I think he might blame me too, Edward. He said that Tanya had been forgotten and neglected by us all! He said... He said that I should have been there more. Do you think he's right? Should I have tried harder to help her?"
It cut me to the core to see my friend in such pain, she looked vulnerable and raw and I was about to open my mouth to tell her that she had nothing to be guiltily about when I heard Louis yelling to his mother that Irina and Demetri were here.
Irina looked up at me in horror "Bella is here?"She asked in worry "I didn't know!" She said, her voice panicked "I wouldn't have intruded...She hates me... Oh fuck!" Irina put her head in her hands.
"It's fine." I said hurriedly as I rushed to where Bella stood frozen to the spot looking at Louis. She looked sick and pale and I realised that it wasn't just Irina who was scared about seeing Bella again; the feeling was probably entirely mutual.
"Bella. Are you ok?" I whispered, I took her into my arms and held her against me, kissing her head "Irina and Demetri are here and... Shit. Baby, I need you to sit down before I tell you this." I said. My thoughts were solely on Bella and how she would take the news of Tanya's death.
"I already know Edward. Demetri told me...I hope she finds some peace now."
I looked down at Bella and frowned. Her voice was off and she wouldn't look at me. I gently tilted her chin up so her eyes met mine. "I love you." I said softly, before pressing my lips chastely against her own.
It was not a simple empty, gesture; I was telling her that I was here for her. That I would help her through this new hurdle and no matter what happened, we would have each other and our family to rely on. "If you are uncomfortable, I will ask them to leave." I said softly.
Bella shook her head, "I'm not going to ask you to send your friends away Edward nor would I expect you to. I don't know how much Irina told you about the last time we spoke to each other, but it wasn't a pleasant conversation and ended even worse...She thinks I abandon you, as you probably already know, I don't think it was fair of her to judge me on my actions but let you get away with yours scott free. It wasn't fair of her to judge me when she couldn't even begin to comprehend the horrors I've lived through." There was no bitterness in my voice, I just stated it how I saw it. "I don't hate her Edward I just think she should have tried walking a mile in my shoes before she said anything."
I opened my mouth to say something, but Demetri was standing behind Bella now with a 'what do I do?' expression on his face. I looked over my shoulder and saw Irina clutching her bag tightly in her hand and she began to walk past us, her eyes still streaming unhappy tears.
"I'll... I'll call you Edward. I'm really sorry. I didn't know..." She shook her head and looked at Bella "I wouldn't have come down if I knew that... I'm sorry. I don't want to make things..." She began but was cut off by Demetri.
"Ok. I know this is NONE of my business and we all know I usually prefer to just sit back and stay out of the drama... But you two." He looked between Bella and Irina. "You guys really need to talk this out. You guys were tight once, real tight and maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think whatever you guys were fighting about is really that important anymore. Bella still seems to be the same old Bells to me and I know Irina is still the same old Irina. We used to be friends. All of us. I really fucking miss that. I miss those stupid parties, sans the drugs and booze, but I miss the FRIENDSHIP we had. And yeah, a lot of shit has gone down and been said, but at the end of the day, we ain't getting any younger guys. So, even though I may have you two ladies ripping my nads off shortly for making the biggest mistake of my life by sticking my nose in, I'm going to take Edward and I'm going to take my niece, nephew and son and we are going in that room over there. You guys can stay in here and just talk. Please. Cause I really can't take the awkwardness anymore!"
As soon as Demetri stopped speaking the room went deathly silent. I felt awful for Irina but Bella had to be my top priority, I struggled to find some sort of compromise.
"I...I guess I'm willing to try...If you are?" Bella said quietly.
I looked at her in shock and pride. I had not expected her to agree to talk with Irina, though I was pleased and proud that she did. "Are you sure?" I asked, squeezing her hand.
She nodded a little reluctantly but I wasn't going to knock it. She was trying to bridge the gap and I held so much respect for her for doing so. Irina had been about to run away from the situation and while I could understand that with her sisters passing she was not really up for this kind of discussion, I held a great amount of pride for my wife who had been through hell herself but still made the effort and the gesture.
Demetri looked around a little shocked as though he hadn't quite expected anyone to actually listen to him. "Uh... Right. Good. Ok, we will...Uh, just be...in there then." He said kissing Irina's cheek and nodding his head furiously at me in the direction of the lounge.
I rolled my eyes and followed the idiot into the lounge.
Demetri and I watched our kids play and talked idly, both of us preoccupied by what was happening between our wives it the other room. There had been no yelling which I took as a good sign. They had been in there a while to which was another positive sign. I hoped my wife and my best friend could find a way to be friends again.
What felt like hours later there was movement from the kitchen, Bella and Irina made their way past us and up the stairs, with Bella poking her tongue out at us as she went.
I smiled to myself. It was more like the old Bella that I knew. The playful, one.
"Well. I might just be the most fucking amazing person alive." Demetri said stretching his arms above his head with a smug smile on his face.
I picked up a soft toy and tossed it at his head "You are just fucking Ghandi in disguise aren't you." I said in mock irritation.
He grinned at me and tossed back the toy "Jealous."
...A little bit later Bella and Irina made their way back down with the twins and Bella gave me a look that I recognised but couldn't quite believe. I saw lust stirring in her eyes and although my mind scoffed at the idea other parts of me didn't. They were fucking THRILLED that she could be feeling that way for me once more.
Bella passed Noah to me and turned to congratulated Demetri on his peace negotiations.
He shot me a smug smile when she hugged him and kissed his cheek.
"Ah Bella. I am like a solar eclipse. I don't come out very often but when I do... Spectacular..." he hissed the last part and made a showy gesture with his hands before hugging Bella back.
I grinned at my wife and friend, happy to see them happy with each other once more. Irina came and sat down beside me and bumped me with her shoulder.
"Pretty cute kids you have there daddy-o. Lucky they take after their mother aye?"
I rolled my eyes but grinned at my best friend, "Yeah lucky alright."
Bella excused herself to go and make dinner, she resisted Irina's pleas to help; I think she just wanted to have a moment to herself. It had been a big day for Bella emotionally.
I left Irina and Demetri with the kids and went to help Bella.
"Hey you," Bella said looking up from the chopping board with smile.
I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her, placing my chin on her shoulder "Hey yourself" I said kissing her cheek. "You've made Irina pretty happy you know." I commented with a smile "I haven't seen her like this for a long time and considering the news she just received..." I kissed her cheek once more. "If I haven't told you how amazing you are lately, I should be flogged for it."
"Have I told you lately that I love you?" Bella asked quietly.
I froze, my heart stopped beating. "No." I whispered in shock "You haven't. Not for a very long time." My voice was literally a whisper.
I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing, but I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to. My heart was hanging on her next words, begging her to tell me it was not just a joke. I wouldn't be able to stand it if it were. I loved her with all my heart; I wanted her to love me too in exactly the same way.
"Yeah I know I haven't...I do love you Edward Anthony Cullen." Her voice although still quiet was full of conviction.
I crushed my lips against hers, which was pretty awkward as I was smiling so much, but I tried. When that didn't work, I rained kisses down on her face covering, every inch of her face and neck. "I love you too. Oh god so much." I said breathlessly.
She wound her arms around my neck and instinctively I picked her up around the waist and lifted her onto the counter top. Her legs locked around my own and as our mouths met once more, our passion ignited between us.
Our tongues collided furiously and her fingers entwined themselves in my hair, a gesture so familiar and yet it had been so long since I had experienced it that it actually felt NEW.
We were so engrossed in each other that we didn't hear the footsteps behind us.
"Oh fucking hell! Doesn't take you two fucking long does it? Guess some things will never change!" Demetri said in amused disgust.
I turned around just in time to see him leading our son out of the kitchen with him, "What mummy and daddy doing?" He asked curiously.
Demetri looked at him solemnly as they walked out of the room "Mummy and Daddy are making Uncle Demetri sick. And showing us an important lesson on kitchen hygiene. That's a what NOT TO DO." He called loudly over his shoulder.
Bella giggled, "I've missed his unique sense of humour...But I've missed you more... I'll spray down all the kitchen surfaces with janola if it will make you feel better Demetri...And I bet you and Irina have done worse things in your kitchen." She called back to him.
"Not when there are children present or we are making our guests dinner Bella!" Demetri yelled out in the same tone as Bella "And make sure its hospital grade janola please."
"Jesus Demetri how the fuck does Irina put up with you?..." Bella quipped before turning back to me, "I guess we should feed our guests. It would be rude to just leave them to fend for themselves...Maybe we could continue this when we're alone?" She asked shyly.
I kissed Bella's soft lips once more "I would love to continue this." I murmured. I could taste her on my lips and without any conscious thought of my own; I began to move my mouth against hers with renewed vigour. I really didn't want to stop and when Demetri's voice called out once more I growled.
"Uh and just so you know, the children are hungry," I looked at Bella "will you excuse me for a moment? I'm going to go and beat mister funny pants to fucking death." I quickly pecked her lips. "I'll go see to them unless you need help in here?"
She grinned up at me, "No I'm all good in here you can go kick Demetri's ass if you want...Oh and Edward would you like to ask them if they'd like to stay at the cottage? It's just sitting empty."
I nodded and made my way out to the lounge "I hate you Demetri. I hate you so fucking much that if you weren't married to my friend..." I began.
"You would marry me yourself?" He said and then burst into laughter.
I shook my head but I couldn't help but laugh along. Things were good, nothing was perfect yet and if I was quite honest, I didn't know if I wanted it to be. Perfection was overrated and unrealistic in my point of view...
I offered Demetri and Irina the cottage like Bella wanted and they accepted gratefully. I was beyond fucking ecstatic at how easy dinner had been, surprisingly it had taken no time for the four of us to slip into our old easy going friendship. We laughed and joked just how we used to do, it had all been easy and effortless.
Most of the time Bella and I had had our gazes locked on each other, the flash of lust I had seen early still burned in her eyes, brighter than before, her foot caressed mine under the table. My mind was no longer scoffing at the idea; it had caught up to where my body had been from the start. I burned to touch Bella, to reacquaint myself with her body and be intimate with her again.
An exhausted Oliver finally fell asleep in Demetri's arms and Irina declared they should get to the cottage to put him to bed. I looked down at my own children playing happily on the floor. It had been a long day for them to, I was sure the effects of jetlag would be upon them soon.
Bella clasped my hand firmly in hers as we showed our friends to the door, I could feel her fingers trembling and I looked up to search for the reason in her eyes. It took me no longer than a heartbeat to realize it was anticipation and desire that rippled through her.
That knowledge ignited my own desire and filled me with anticipation. I fucking hoped she really wanted me as much as I wanted her. I was about to find out.
I closed the door on our friends and pulled Bella into my arms, I crushed my mouth to hers; eager to taste more of her sweetness on my tongue. Bella kissed me back, her mouth moved against mine with growing urgency, her fingers tangled into my hair as she thrust her body against mine pushing me back into the wall. I fucking loved how she was making her intentions clear.
My body pulsed with surges of the high frequency current that radiated from deep inside her.
"Mummy kiss my daddy?" Apple's tiny voice suddenly broke the silence. Bella took an immediate step back giving us both time to catch our breaths.
"Mummy was kissing Daddy. Is Mummy allowed to kiss you?" Bella asked and surprisingly Apple reached up for her. I broke into a wide smile watching Bella rain kisses all over Apple's face. Apple's girlish laughter filled the air making the moment all the sweeter.
"Mummy loves you so much my baby girl." Bella said kissing her cheeks. We were rewarded with another sweet giggle from her.
"Apple love my mummy. Love my Daddy and my Louis and Noah and my Tisse," Apple chirruped happily.
"My Daddy read me story?" My baby girl asked as she reached over for me. I took her in my arms and kissed her warm cheek. She positively beamed at me.
I looked over at Bella ruefully; I could still taste her on my lips. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to see where that kiss would lead us. Bella and I still had not shared a bed; I was worried that she still wasn't ready for it. I searched her face trying to read in her eyes what she was truly thinking, her cheeks were flushed crimson and I wondered what thoughts had triggered her blush. Her eyes were guarded unreadable.
The blush on her cheeks deepened, "I might go and have a shower. Would...would you care to join me?" She asked looking down at her feet. I realized she was nervous.
I wasn't convinced she was really ready. She shuffled her feet and I realized that I had been quiet a moment too long. "Love... yes, I want to join you, but is it what you really want? I... I want you more than anything..." I murmured hoping to reassure her that I wanted her and for her to be sure this was what she really wanted.
There would be no going back for me once I was intimate with her again.
"I want you to. But if you're not ready for that I totally understand... It's entirely up to you; I'm fine with any decision you make. There's no pressure." She replied awkwardly. Her blush deepened I could almost feel the heat of it in the air. Bella kissed my cheek, "If I don't see you; sleep well and I will see you at breakfast."
Before I had a chance to answer, to ask her again if she was sure Bella kissed Apple's cheek and practically fled down the hallway. I frowned as I watched her go, was she really ready for this?
"My story daddy?" Apple asked bringing my attention back to her.
"Ok princess let's go and get your brothers and sister and read your story. Do you know which story you want?"
"Laughing apple," she grinned.
"Oh...you like the story of the little laughing apple? I do to," I chuckled tickling her tummy earning a peal of her sweet giggles. She kissed wrapped her tiny arms around my neck in a death grip and kissed my cheek.
"Love you my daddy," she sighed happily.
"I love you to my princess," I replied holding her tighter.
A wide smile spread over my face, I had my family back in our home, my best friend and my wife had resolved their issues and were friends once more. Bella had invited me to share her bed once more, I was on the verge of getting back everything I ever wanted; the high was incredible...
...I closed the bathroom door quietly behind me and quickly shed my clothes, my heart crashed against my ribs and my stomach twisted a combination of nerves and anticipation. I took a shaky breath and stepped into the shower with my goddess.
My heart, that had been trying to beat its way out of my chest, stopped beating altogether as I pressed my body against Bella's and wrapped my arms around her. It kick started with a jolt a second later, the surge of electricity that bolted through me as our skin collided sent a shockwave straight to my heart. I felt like i had been electrocuted.
I closed my eyes, remembering and savouring the feeling of Bella's skin on mine, it felt like it had been a lifetime since I touched her. There was no drug on earth that could compare to the high touching Bella gave me.
The sensations were both familiar and foreign, the overwhelming aching hunger for her was the same as it had ever been, I still burned for her like I always had, what was different was the absence to want to take that overwhelming desire to the extreme. I would never hurt her; I would never use sex as a weapon against her. I knew how to love Bella the right way now.
I kissed a trail along her throat; her skin was like silk, had it always been this soft? "May I wash you Bella?" I murmured against her skin.
"Um...if you would like to...my body's a bit of a mess at the moment, sorry." She mumbled wrapping her arms across her stomach.
I froze, she was hiding from me; Bella had never hidden herself before, especially from me. It was one of the things I loved about her she never had body issues the way other women did. My heart broke that this beautiful creature was ashamed of her glorious body.
Gently I removed her arms from her stomach, she did not resist.
"Please don't hide from me. You are beautiful My Bella. These aren't something to be ashamed of love. Do you know what I see when I look at them?" I asked softly.
"No..." She mumbled.
"I see devotion. Your devotion as a mother and your devotion as a wife. I see proof of how much you love us all... I love these, I only have to see them, feel them and I can feel the extent of your gift to us. I don't see shame Bella; I see pride, love and strength. You shouldn't try to hide, be proud my wife, be proud of the loving, giving person that you are." I moved to kneel down in front of her, awed by how exquisite she truly was, "You are beautiful my love... You take my breath away."
Slowly I got to my feet, my fingertips gently running over the deep slivery purple scar that stretched across her breast, "This... This is a testament to your strength Bella. The only thing I will think of when I see it is your fierce endurance. You are so strong, I see you, I see this, and it makes me want to be strong too. You inspire me my angel, you must see that..." I kissed the disfigured skin, and her body trembled, but I could feel her beginning to relax, "Be proud of who you are Isabella Cullen, because lord knows, I am."
Bella took a step into me, her arms wrapping around me she pressed her gorgeous body against mine and I shuddered lightly as Bella's life force surged through me. "You are beautiful to you know..." She murmured kissing me softly.
I looked down into her wide warm eyes, sweeping an errant curl from her cheek, as I searched her eyes for her true feelings. "Are you sure about this Bella? I'll love you no matter what you decide..."
"I want to be with you Edward. You're my husband and I love you," She whispered. Nowhere in the fathomless depths of her eyes could I see a contradiction to her words. She was sure. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.
The intensity of the emotions surging through me took my breath away.
I captured Bella's mouth with my own, kissing her deeply, urgently. The desire igniting in the pit of my stomach exploded into an inferno at the sound of Bella's soft moan, her warm sweet breath flowed into my mouth and my eyes rolled back in my head at the taste.
Her body shivered as my fingers slid along her silky flesh and pressed firmly down on her soft sweet bud. In our time I apart I had forgotten nothing about Bella's body, even though it had been so long since I had touched her this way my fingers knew exactly how to move against her.
Bella's fingers wove their way into my hair, gripping it tightly, just the fucking way I loved it. She moved her leg bringing her foot to rest against the wall, giving me unfettered access to heaven. I deepened the kiss; bring a new intensity to it, as a new intensity rose within me.
"I've missed your touch Edward." She murmured softly against my lips. Her words sent a shiver down my spine, to hear them was everything.
"As I have missed touching you...I love you Isabella."
My fingers continued to touch Bella in a fluid, rhythmic way, in a way I knew would drive her closer to orgasm. Time had not changed the way Bella reacted to my touch, her reactions were the same; I could read every one of them like I was reading from a book.
Her fingers tightened their grip in my hair in a familiar way, her lips were moving against mine with growing urgency her breath were shallow ragged little pants. She was so close. I upped the tempo of ministrations and adjusted the pressure of my fingers knowing it would push her to the edge.
If I hadn't known Bella's body better than I knew my own I would have thought her bodies resistance to letting go was to prolong the moment and drive the intensity of impending release to the point of pain making the climax all the sweeter. But I knew Bella better than that, her resistance was fear not prolonged pleasure, she was afraid to let go.
I relinquished her mouth my lips sliding along her jaw to the hollow beneath her ear, "Please trust me angel, and let me do this for you... Let me give you this. Will you cum for me Bella?" I whispered against her throat.
Her body reacted instinctually to my request, as her resistance dissipated her climax hit with full force. She clung to me desperately as her body shook and she gasped for breath. I did not slow my ministrations, I wanted to prolong the moment; I wanted the symphony of sweet sounds that fell from her lips to never stop.
I was filled with a rush of pride that I could still make my wife sound like that!
Bella's soft cries of pleasure rapidly changed as the tremors in her body subsided. I stilled my fingers as a low sob broke from Bella's throat. She tightened her grip on me as one broken sob turned into a torrent of them.
The sound of her crying disturbed me but I didn't panic. I understood her tears. Bella had been through so much, she had been repressing her emotions for too long it was inevitable when she finally let them free they were going to overwhelm her. I held her tightly saying nothing as she cried herself out on my shoulder, I was glad Bella had finally allowed herself to let go of some of those pent up emotions, it was healthy for her, it would help her get better.
When Bella had found a measure of control and her cries had quietened I kissed her softly, reverently. She was perfect and she was mine. No words were spoken between us as I reverently washed every inch of her body, I frowned as I wiped the sponge across the bare knuckles of her left hand, they didn't look right. And I didn't feel right looking at them.
Neither of us said anything as I continued to wash Bella, both of us consumed in our thoughts. I wondered what she was thinking about.
I carried Bella to our bedroom and placed her on our bed, I was happy that we would be spending our first night back together in our marital bed. It felt right.
Nearly everything felt right, nearly felt perfect. There was only one thing missing, something I was about to rectify. I could feel Bella's curious gaze follow me as I opened my draw. I knew she couldn't see the items I retrieved and I was glad for that. I wanted to be able to read her eyes when I presented her with them.
I returned to the bed, lying next to her I brushed my finger across her cheek, her chocolaty eyes were wide, warm and inviting, they shone brightly in the half light. She was so beautiful heartbreakingly so.
"My Bella," I sighed as my fingers trailed down her throat.
"My Edward," She whispered, my name sounded like a caress. Taking her left hand in mine I kept my gaze on hers as I slid her wedding band and engagement ring back on her finger.
Her eyes were wide warm and shinning with unshed tears. The love swirled in their chocolaty depths took my breath away.
"So brave," I whispered kissing her fingertips, before kissing the rings on her finger. Her knuckles looked right now, everything felt right now. "Bella, I want to...I want to touch you again." I kept my gaze on hers reading her reaction.
"I'd like that..." She whispered, there was no hesitation in her voice, I could hear the conviction in it despite how quietly she spoke. There was nothing in her eyes other than love.
I kissed her softly and gently rolled on top of her. I gasped quietly at feeling our bodies pressed together, she felt so familiar but at the same time she felt new. Her body was different yet the same, her skin was still the colour of fresh cream and had the same incredible silky texture. Her curves were still there though she was thinner; Bella still had the body of a goddess.
"Are you sure?... There's no going back from this." I whispered. There would be no going back from this, not for me. I loved Bella, I wanted and needed her. I would never be able to give her up after this.
"Yes...I'm sure,"
Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of the feelings that crashed down on me when I effortlessly slid into Bella's warmth. My eyes rolled back in my head, an automatic reaction to the feeling of being inside her once more, had she always felt this good? This warm and wet and tight.
A lowly growl rumbled from my throat
Jesus fuck. I was completely overwhelmed, so many things were rushing through me at the same time; I could make sense of nothing. The sensation of being wrapped in Bella's warmth wasn't the only thing I couldn't comprehend; there were the barrage of emotions that flooded through me all fighting for dominance. Love, hate, guilt, sorrow, fear, longing, redemption and salvation, a tumult of feelings pulling me in different directions.
I looked into Bella's eyes, anchoring myself there as I tried to get some sort of control over myself. Her wide eyes were soft, understanding, she knew what I was going through, she knew how overwhelming the intensity of it was.
Looking into Bella's eyes, seeing the love and understanding there, calmed me down quickly. I began to move within her heaven, the feeling surpassed anything and everything I had known before.
There was no words; no way to explain how I truly felt at this moment, this type of feeling, of freedom had no description. I gave up trying to figure it out and just let myself be engulfed in Bella's healing light.
She was my salvation.
Bella's wide eyes bore into mine trying like I always did with her to read my thoughts in my eyes. I looked at her knowing she would see all I wanted to say, she would see the regret and the apology for the hurt I had caused her, she would see my redemption and she would see that she was my salvation. She would see how much I loved and needed her.
I loved her with everything that I was.
"I love you Edward Cullen" She whispered, knowing it was what I needed to hear. I could see in her eyes the redemption I sought.
I kissed her soft pouty lips as I thrust into her with a growing sense of urgency, the muscles in the pit of my stomach tightened coiling in anticipation, Bella tightened her grip on me her body soldering itself to mine. Her breathing rapidly turned to panting as her walls started to clench around me.
The feeling; the sensation of Bella cumming around my cock was too much, too fucking good! I thought I might go fucking crazy; the feeling of her warm silken cum wetting my dick was sublime. I shuddered in ecstasy.
Nothing, no amount of booze and drugs could ever compare to this feeling, to this rush.
She gasped my name as her body thrashed beneath me dragging my own orgasm forth.
Bella clung to me with the same desperation as I clung to her, I wanted to watch her again in her moment of pleasure but my vision blurred and my eyes rolled back in my head as I rode out my own overwhelming release.
I couldn't fathom how I had lived without, how I had survived one fucking day without this woman, without the feelings she engendered in me.
It had been the truth when I told Bella there was no going back from this. I could not; I would not ever give her up.
We lay in the dark listening to the sound of our ragged breathing, the pounding of our hearts, Bella had not relinquished her hold on me and I hoped she never would.
"I love you. I have never stopped." I whispered against her throat as I began to move inside her once more...
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