I had made a decision that night. I was staring at the stars when I felt like I was thrown down onto the concrete, falling into the human world, away from the nursery, and away from ShadowClan.
I moaned and looked at the doctor's angry face. I narrowed my eyes as he did as well.
"You are even more troublesome than I have thought you would be." He said exasperated, "How could you have resisted the medicine like that?"
"Because I have a will to live." I growled at him, "I would prefer to live in a fantasy than be a another serial number."
"So that's what this is about?" He asked suddenly, "You want to dream about your crazy cat fantasies instead of… instead of opening your eyes?"
I nodded coldly. "Better than being treated terribly."
"We have kept you alive for this long." He said turning on the lights. The lights glared into my eyes and I squinted painfully. He came back over to me. "I'd prefer it if you stayed awake. I'm going to give you another dose of adrenaline."
He pulled out a needle on the counter at the other side of the room and injected it into my neck. I winced in pain and he pulled back. I felt my heart thump faster, and alert boost my system.
"I have warned all the nurses to make sure that you don't pass out like that again. I've never met a patient so stubborn like you."
I wanted to blurt out it's because I'm a queen expecting kits, but I bite back the words, knowing that they'd sound odd to another human being.
He exited the room and let another person walk in, it was my mother once more.
I sighed as she rushed to my bedside and set down a basket of cookies. I tolerated her kiss on my forehead as she sat down on the other side of the bed.
"I heard about your stubborn acts." She said quietly, "You don't have to hide from society. These dreams have to end sometime."
"I don't want them to." I hissed pushing away the basket, "I am a leader. I am a leader that has to get back to her Clan."
She set her hand on mine and I flinched away. Hurt shimmered in her eyes and she scotched closer to me. I growled but she didn't move away. I had to be totally alone for this plan to work.
"Autumn,"
"Don't call me that." I snarled, "I'm not Autumn."
"It's okay, as soon as you're fit enough to leave the hospital, I'll get you to rehab and get a professional therapist."
I then snapped. I grabbed the basket in my hand and threw it onto the floor. She stood up and stepped back. Her eyes wide and afraid. "I don't want a therapist!" I screamed, "I don't want to wake up from my fantastic dreams. I don't want to face reality, because my dreams are reality. They're more realistic than the life I live."
"I-It'll be alright," she cooed caressing my head in her hand. I immediately bit her hand and she yelped. She wrenched away and stared at me in horror.
"What have those dreams formed you into?" She asked quietly.
"You don't get it." I shouted, "Just get out! I want you to GET OUT!"
She was quiet for a long time. Then a tear trickled out of her eye as she darted out of the room. She shut the door gently and I laid back, the heart monitor my only friend in this cold room.
I remember the nurse telling me that if I was unhooked from the machine, I would die. I am attached to this life support. I can't be attached to this, I can't.
I need to be running wildly in the woods. I need to nuzzle Starlingwing and love the kits. I have to guide ShadowClan through the tough times that are laid out for us.
I have to die.
So I suddenly rolled over out of the bed and fell down harshly on the floor. I grunted and pushed myself up with my hands, and yanked the cords out of my wrist and unwrapped the bandages from my head. Pain shot through my body like a bonfire, but I endured it.
Suicide.
I crawled away from the machine, the heart monitor now just one continuous beep. I wheezed out unsteady breaths and lay there, on the floor dying.
I grasped the cold floor and smiled weakly. I was so sure that if I died, I could live forever in ShadowClan.
StarClan shall accept me as Fallenstar, they will make me a pure cat, and will never live two paws and a hand at once.
I felt numb all over, and the pain eventually subsided.
I heard the rushing footsteps of my mom, doctors and nurses. They screamed out and shoved me back onto the bed. I begged them silently to not use the electric pads to bring me back. I shut my eyes and tried to run away with the shadows.
I'm not insane.
I'm not alive.
I am Fallenstar.
Slowly, everything faded away, and I died.
I bolted awake as a cat, and perked up my ear. I was breathing heavily and I clutched my claw where my heart should be.
I relished in the relief that I am still alive and the heart still beat strongly, not letting up.
I gasped, feeling a tiny kick in my stomach. I wrapped my tail around me belly and grinned widely. I am Fallenstar.
I am no longer Autumn, I had let go of my human shell, and I now feel satisfaction flow through my blood.
Trying to stand up, I fell right back down, my belly too plump to stand up. The kits will be born soon, that was something that I knew right away.
I rested my head on the moss as Applefur nudged me. "Are you okay?" She asked.
I breathed out a sigh of relief, letting go of that gripped nightmare of the human world. "I'm fine, Applefur. In fact… I feel amazing…"
I didn't close my eyes for the rest of the night, and I stared out at the stars. A comet darted by, and I wished that the kits will be healthy, brave warriors some day. I wished that no one will ever truly find out about my origins. I wished for a safe pathway paved for ShadowClan.
And most of all, I wished that Flametail was happy. I reached my paw out of the nursery entrance and whispered calmly, "See how far we've come?"
The only reply I got was the whispering winds. I grinned and blinked slowly. I am a pure cat. I have eight lives remaining, and I am the leader of ShadowClan.
I felt joy swallow me up, and the adrenaline was no longer pulsing through my veins. Now it's purity and red blood that pumped like melancholy clockwork, perfectly healthy and perfectly fine.
Without warning, a giant spasm gripped my body and I screeched in pain. The kits were coming, I knew it!
"Littlecloud!" I screamed, "T-The kits!"
Within a few moments, Starlingwing leaped into the nursery and Littlecloud followed. Starlingwing nuzzled me gently and whispered, "Be strong, Fallenstar. It'll be okay,"
Applefur glanced at me and quickly herded her kits out of the den.
Pain drug its icy claws through my stomach and I screamed in pain, like I was being torn apart by a wild dog. However, I knew that this pain is much better than living in a nightmare full of… twolegs.
More pain swallowed me up, and more screams erupted from my mouth. I bit down on a stick, and it quickly cracked and splintered. Starlingwing stood by the whole time, and I really appreciated that.
"The first kit is born!" Cried out Littlecloud. Starlingwing immediately began to lick off the birth-sack and he placed the kit next to my belly. I was too much in pain to notice it, and I pushed harder, pain creating lightning.
Another kit plopped down onto the moss, and Starlingwing set the kit next to my belly. I was panting and breathing hard, but I knew that there was one more kit inside of me.
I gave a huge, final push and the last kit flopped down.
All of the kits were placed to my belly and the pain slowly subsided. Littlecloud gave me two small purple berries and a small flower with blue star-shaped flowers and fluffy leaves. I swallowed up all of the plants and plopped my head down in exhaustion.
"Congradulations, Starlingwing and Fallenstar," said Littlecloud, "you are the parents of two healthy toms and one she-cat." He dipped his head and walked out, "I'll leave you two at it."
I purred and saw the sun starting to rise. Starlingwing nuzzled me and whispered, "Look at them… so precious. And they're ours."
I looked down and saw the she-cat was pale brown with dark brown dapples and dark paws and ears. She lashed her tail and began suckling. The tom was all creamy colored with a white chest and dark brown tabby stripes. The last tom was flame colored like Starlingwing with a fluffy coat and darker tabby stripes.
"What'll their names be?" He asked.
I licked the she-kit gently and whispered with joy brimming out of my heart, "I want to name her Fawnkit. You can name the other two toms."
Starlingwing nuzzled the ginger tom and said, "You said we'll name the ginger one Flamekit after… him." Then he pawed at the cream and dark brown tabby, "I want to name him Pinekit."
Oakfur then shoved his way into the nursery and smiled at my kits. I wrapped them closer to me with my tail and he said softly, "I congratulate you and Starlingwing on your kits. Those are all such lovely names."
"Thank you, Oakfur. Tell Applefur she can bring her kits back inside now, but to stay quiet."
He dipped his head and told Applefur that she can come inside. Then the kits tip pawed into the nursery and peeked over my shoulder at the kits. Stemkit's eyes got wide and he said, "They're so tiny! Did we used to look like that, Applefur?"
"You did once." Applefur meowed grabbing Stemkit's scruff and pulling him back to their nest.
Starlingwing pressed his body close to mine and nuzzled my cheek. "We did it." He whispered, "We have three, healthy, beautiful kits."
I was so happy that I ended my life.
