Chapter Forty Five
Fine, Now I'm The Bad Guy
"And we won't let the wool be pulled over everyone's eyes any longer!" Tsubame cried, facing the crowd. "We will give her exactly what she deserves! We will…" She trailed off and turned sharply, following the staring eyes. My feet crunched on the gravel, my hands loose at my side. Tsubame looked at Akemi and tossed her head. The other girl wound up a punch, her thick shoulders bulging under her shirt, the corners of her mouth twitching as she tried not to smile in front of the cameras. She'd prepared for this. They both had.
The fist whistled past my head. She seemed to falter, not expecting the dodge, and gritted her teeth. I smacked the second punch aside and my hand shot out, catching her in the throat. She stumbled backwards, gasping for breath, and shook it off, her fists rising. I rolled my shoulder experimentally, and lifted my head to stare at Tsubame, who was starting to grin, her eyes flicking between the cameras.
I sidestepped as Akemi threw herself at me with a roar and rammed my knee into her stomach. There was a gargled gasp as I grabbed her by the collar and sent her sprawling into the gravel. She rolled into a crouch, rasping for breath. Clearly she expected a short reprieve. I smashed my foot into her face and she hit the ground again, blood now dripping down her chin.
I didn't do reprieves.
Akemi was a big girl. Though she wasn't as deadly, she was clearly trained in something. It was her impressive mass that I had to watch for, the grapple. Movement made me leap backwards out as her leg swept when I stood and she was on her feet and coming for me. I ducked under her grapple, foot trailing, letting her own momentum send her back to earth. She span onto her knees, her wide face hard and red and furious. I slid away from the blow, catching her arm in mine, and smashed the heel of my hand into the joint, ignoring the sickening crunch and slamming my hand into her face. My fist closed on her hair and I flung her to the ground, her head bouncing horribly.
I stood slowly, cracking my neck. Across the gardens, Tsubame glared at me but her eyes were shining.
"I told you," she sneered. The gravel shifted. I dropped my shoulder and Akemi tumbled over me into the fountain. I grabbed one of her ankles and heaved upwards, sending her head sinking into the water. She kicked at me. A heel met my sore ribs but I took it, looking evenly at Tsubame. Her hidden look of glee was slowly fading. I waited, the water splashing over me tinted slightly pink. I wanted her to know this was on her. I waited for it to sink in that she'd picked this fight. I waited for her to realise that she'd picked before school, the time of day when nobody was around to save her. I waited until Akemi's mouth opened desperately under the water as her hand clawed at the air until I reached in, dragging the mountain of a girl from the fountain into a sodden, shivering, gasping heap. I swept the lose strands of hair out of my face with a wet hand and inhaled deeply.
"What's next?" My voice seemed to make them jump. I looked sideways at Tsubame, shrugging off my blazer.
"What, was that it?" I called, throwing it on top of Akemi as she shuddered at my feet. "I thought you were going to 'give me what I deserved'?" I hopped up onto the edge of the fountain and spread my arms. "Well, come on then!" I shouted. Tsubame took a step back, her face white, and I was struck with malicious glee. I span around, looking at the huddled crowd, who were suddenly reconsidering all of their life's choices. I rolled my head to look over my shoulder at their cocksure ringleader. She was afraid. They all were.
Good.
"You won't," she stammered. "You can't."
"Honestly, Fukui, you really should have thought this through," I said calmly, placing one foot in front of the other as I moved around the fountain, a performer on a tight rope. "What was your plan, I wonder, if I hadn't hit back? What were you going to tell these people? Because clearly they came for the show. But you knew I would. So bravo. You've got your film." The students shrank back, wide-eyed, and a few at the back tried to make a break for it, but there were more of them now. "So tell me, Fukui. What was your plan once I did hit back? Run? Because that would've been my plan." I hopped down in front of her, close enough to see the sweat forming streaks through her make-up. She cowered but she didn't move. Was she being brave or just being stupid? Maybe she didn't think I'd hurt her. Maybe she didn't think I'd dare.
"What's the matter, Fukui? I thought you wanted a monster." She took a small step backwards, lips parted in terror. In a blink, my hand gripped her collar and I dragged her upwards, an inch from my face.
"You got one," I hissed. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to tear her limb from limb. I wanted to hang her from the building with barbed wire and watch her bleed. I wanted to beat her until her jaw smashed into pieces and her ribs caved inwards to tear her lungs apart. I wanted to take every moment of pain this goddamn fucking country had put me through, multiply them, shatter each one into pieces, and shove every shard of agony down her throat until she choked on her own blood. I knew, somewhere in my head, that this wasn't right but the rest of me wasn't listening. Every part of me was made of ice. I'd stopped caring. About the crowds, about the cameras. About restraint. I just had to stop her. I had to stop her. I have to stop him...
"Katya, stop!"
"Not yet," I spat, shaking her as she tried to look anywhere but at me. "I'm not done yet." I could hear some commotion in the crowd but I didn't tear my gaze aware from her wide eyes, her pupils dots in their terrified darkness.
"Let's talk about what he was going to do, shall we?" I started but something moved and I hauled her around into Mori's path. Taken by surprise, he altered course and gave me an opening to kick his legs out from under him. I shoved Tsubame away from me to slam my elbow into his back before spinning to grab the front of her uniform, jerking her to stop nearly horizontal over the water. I cocked my head. She was crying now, great hysterical helpless sobs.
Maybe I'd just drown the bitch.
"Stop!" Kyoya sounded halfway furious and completely worried – which was an odd emotion on him - but I'd stopped caring. He couldn't reach me now. She'd started this. I was finishing it. I loosened my hand and she jerked suddenly, making her scream and cry.
"Shall I tell you, Fukui?" My voice was quiet and cold and she stared at me as her hands alternated between clawing at my arm and gripping it for dear life. "Where do you want me to start? With the stalking? With the beating? What about the time he carved patterns into my flesh and left me to die?" She was shrieking and sobbing and her words were indistinguishable from animal noises.
"But that's not what you meant, is it?" Somewhere in her wailing she was apologising. "Let's talk about his hands. Or his tongue. He liked that too. And hey, let's say I deserved every single terrifying minute of it. But you know what? How about we start with the knife on Kaoru's throat?" I snarled.
"KATYA!" My ice cracked. I tilted my head to stare at the windows, figures disappearing like cockroaches. I knew they were there. They were probably all there. But I could feel Kaoru somewhere behind me, leeching me of my anger.
"Don't do this." His voice broke and the crack in my ice started to steam. No, I thought furiously. I let Tsubame slip another centimetre and she howled.
"You need to let me do this." The words slipped out before I could stop them. I clenched my jaw as he moved into my line of sight, holding up his hands. I tried not to look at him. He wouldn't ruin this.
"I can't."
"You don't know!" I snapped, glaring at my hand. "You've never lived with…" My arm was starting to shake and she knew it, sobbing hard into her hands. "You don't know what it's like. They don't stop. They never stop. Nobody ever stops. You have to, you have to make them stop. Anything to make them stop." I couldn't feel my fingers any more. I couldn't barely feel my brain but the words were just spilling out in some sort of vile rush. I tried to stop them. I really did. I didn't like the way he was looking at me. It was almost like pity. I didn't need pity. I needed to do this.
"It's so easy when you're you! They'd never have done this to you! You've never been terrified and manipulated and humiliated and helpless!"
"Once." My heart stopped and I looked at him, his face pale, his jaw set. "Once was enough."
The knife against the pale throat.
"I thought I'd lose you," he murmured. "Don't make me go through that again. Not now." My lips parted as he reached out and touched my face. I felt his hand on mine. I didn't fight him as he pulled her upright and loosened my grip to dump her onto the ground.
"I don't..." I whispered but I couldn't form coherent sentences. "I didn't, I didn't think... but she won't... I can't..."
"I know." My body shook, itching to tear something apart, coiled in anticipation, but I didn't react when she suddenly disappeared from my feet, whisked away with the suddenly dispersed crowd. I could hear, still crying hysterically. The throbbing need to break someone's face was still there, like ants under my skin. She was pathetic. Pathetic. I didn't move when the bell rang. Neither did he, except to pull me into him and hug me tightly.
My ice was gone and I dissolved. It was like every last ounce of strength left at once, throwing up its hands as if beating Tsubame into a bloody silent pulp with some vague semblance of humanity was the only thing it had stuck around for. But I never hit the ground. Because he was there.
Which was weird.
After I'd sat in the Chairman's office, flanked by Tamaki and Kyoya, the non-relations were asked to leave and our fearless leader had stayed behind to appeal to his father. But Kyoya didn't take me to class. None of them went to their classes. I huddled in the corner of the music room, completely drained. At first, there was discussion but nothing was happening. I didn't look up. I couldn't look at them. I wondered vaguely how angry Mori was, but it was impossible to tell, even as Honey flitted around him. Hikaru sat on the table and kept stealing glances over at my corner as Kyoya poured over his files in silence. I hurt all over. I could feel new bruises blossoming on top of old bruises, spreading colour over my gray-pink scars. My shoulder was on fire. I stared at the wooden floors dully. I'd done it this time. I'd finally done it. This was it. It was over. I'd completely fucked up my entire life. Again.
"Katya?" Haruhi crouched into my eyeline. "Katya, you should get changed." I looked down at my wet uniform and the small puddle it was creating and leant my head back against the wall. She looked up at Kaoru, who was biting his thumb nervously as he hovered. The others, gathered around the table, were watching but I didn't really care. Why should I? Haruhi reached out to grab my shoulder.
"Katya, snap out of it," she exclaimed. My forehead knocked against the wall.
"I'm going to expelled," I said, numb. They all looked at each other.
"Tamaki's working on it," Kyoya said quickly. I tried to shrug but I was too tired.
"I'm going to have to leave Japan." I didn't want to go back. I knew there had been a time when I'd longed for the familiarity but now…
"No, you won't," Haruhi said sternly. "Don't be ridiculous."
"If I get kicked out of Ouran," I told the wall. "My aunts will send me back to England."
"What?" Kaoru dropped to his knees next to me and pulled me upright. "Why? Why would they do that?"
"The same reason I live with Yuri, I guess," I sighed sadly. "Because they hate me. If I get kicked out of Ouran, they get immediately notified and then they're going to send me back."
"You don't know that! That's not true!" He shook me slightly.
"Actually," Kyoya said slowly. "It is." Everyone turned to stare at him. He touched his closed files and sighed.
"Apparently, after Katya's last brush with leaving the school, Chairman Suou contacted her aunts about the immediate contact order if she should go through with it. While they gave very little explanation about her situation, they made one thing very clear. Their intentions, if she leaves Ouran, are indeed to send her back to England."
"It'll be okay." My voice was too high. "They should. I'm psychotic."
"Katya…"
"Maybe it'll be easier now. I won't have any money but I can find a job. One of the older girls got paid really well for her job but I'm not sure I'm really cut out for dancing." My laugh was off, almost manic. "My GCSEs are okay so I've got that. And now I'm bilingual which is a bonus. It might be hard at first but there's some good homeless shelters and the hostels are surprisingly clean for-" Kaoru put his hand over my mouth.
"Just stop," he said, pained. "Don't do that." I touched the back of his hand gently and he pulled it away to grab mine. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed.
"I don't want to go," I whispered and his grip on my hand tightened.
"You won't," he said under his breath fiercely. I closed my eyes. I wanted to make him promise but I knew he'd have to break it. That I'd have to break it. He didn't have control over this. None of them did.
And I didn't have any control over myself.
I wasn't going to tell them, but I was terrified. I would have killed her. I would. Five more minutes and he would never have touched anyone again.
She, my brain said quickly.
The doors flew open and everyone jumped to their feet, except Kaoru. I felt him tense next to me and heard footsteps on the floor as Tamaki arrived. At least I assumed it was Tamaki. It could just have easily have been the police to arrest me for assault. If I went to jail in Japan, at least Kaoru could visit me. Not that he would. Not that anyone of their standing would. Maybe I could convince Haruhi.
"Fukui Tsubame and Ueno Akemi have been expelled."
I went momentarily deaf. And blind.
It's perfectly possible I might have blacked out.
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