Blind, Thick-Headed and Handsome – 54
Needless to say, once Susie realized who CJ was – this woman who approached her at the deli counter of all places and seemed like just an average fan at first – she knew she needed to take advantage of their chance encounter as much as CJ did. They made plans for brunch the very next morning, both mutually excited to be talking to the other.
CJ went home and spent the rest of the evening making dinner and working on her lessons for the week ahead. Somehow she had to juggle teaching while also getting her personal issues resolved. By the time she looked at the clock, it was after 11 p.m. "Drats!" she said aloud. She forgot to call him. She knew him well enough to know that if she called this late she might wake him, especially since he probably didn't sleep much the previous night. And anyway, she'd probably be in a better frame of mind after she talked with Susie. She'd call him tomorrow after her brunch.
As soon as they ordered their meals CJ began the process of retelling her and Matt's history to Susie, how they were best friends and business partners for years until one night she mustered up the courage to tell him how she felt.
"I got the idea from listening to your show," she explained.
"You did?"
"Uh huh. I happened to have your show on the night Matt broke up with his fiancé and wanted some company. You were giving advice to a caller with almost the same predicament as mine. I didn't use the exact approach but I did confront him honestly. I was a lot more emotional than I thought I'd be but I, ahem, achieved my goal."
"So, did you sleep together?" she plainly asked.
"Uh huh. Three times," CJ admitted fondly just before burying her blushing face in a sip of her coffee.
Susie nodded, impressed with the brevity.
"Then what happened?"
"He asked me to marry him the very next day."
"The very next day?"
"Yep. I was worried it would be a whim, and normally I would have protested such a rash decision, but I guess I got caught up in the thrill of it all when he said he loved me. I waited years to hear him say those words. Before I knew it, we were standing inside a Las Vegas chapel saying our 'I do's.'"
Susie was already sensing part of the problem with this impulsive couple, but remained silent, tucking her thoughts away for a later time.
"Then what happened?" she prompted again.
CJ went on to explain how wonderful their honeymoon was, the adventures they had, and how much she was looking forward to moving in together. She talked about the car accident, Matt's blindness, and the caring and loving way they worked through that difficult time.
Then she told her about Elizabeth and how her death prompted their marriage to be put on pause as Matt pursued her killers, unknowingly leaving CJ when she was sick enough to be hospitalized.
Next thing she knew she was packing her bags and serving him divorce papers.
"So the obvious question is do you love him?"
CJ nodded with certainty. "Oh definitely."
"So why the distance?"
She shrugged. "I'm not really sure. That's where you come in."
Susie sighed inwardly, knowing she couldn't give CJ the answers, only lead her to discover them for herself.
"Do you think you belong together?"
She shrugged again. "I don't know. That's why I moved to New York. To give myself some distance so I could figure that out. But, I haven't had very much success. What do you think?"
"It's not important what I think."
Oh, great, CJ thought. So much for getting answers!
"Do you think you made a mistake in telling him how you felt, or even sleeping with him?"
CJ wasn't sure. "My brain, gut and heart can't seem to agree on that one. Sometimes I feel proud of myself for being honest with him, other times I wonder if I'd been better off if I'd kept those feelings to myself like I had for years. Since day one my marriage to Matt has always felt so fragile. I kept thinking at any time, a swift wind would come along and end it all."
Susie found this emotion very curious. What could make CJ so insecure and paranoid?
"Tell me CJ, in your former line of work, how dangerous was it?"
"I've lost count over the years how many times I've been kidnapped, wounded, and terrorized."
"Terrorized? That sounds awful!"
"It would have been a lot worse of Matt hadn't rescued me."
"And this happened a lot?"
"Uh huh. It almost became routine, a constant in our lives that we learned to accept, until we took a break from it and realized how much stress it caused us personally. But even though we've left it behind, trouble still seems to find us. Do you think that has something to do with how I feel?"
Susie could answer this one for certain. "I think it has a LOT to do with how you feel."
Matt waited and waited all day Saturday for her call. Nothing. What could she be doing that she couldn't return his call?
He had big plans for their next date: dinner, a Broadway show, maybe a walk in Central Park or Rockefeller Plaza. All she had to do was call him back… a very simple act. Just pick up a phone and press a couple of buttons. Voila!
He called her Sunday morning only to receive her machine again. Now Matt was beyond anxious, beyond concerned, more worried than he ever been and yes, even angry. But he couldn't dwell on it. He had things to do, obligations to fulfill, children to teach and entertain.
But even with the visitors and activities at the ranch on Sunday, he found himself checking the clock and the phone repeatedly, his anxiety about it all getting worse by the second. Where was she? Why hadn't she called? His mind started going crazy, spinning all kinds of strange scenarios that he could only pray weren't true.
"A watched pot never boils," Will said, upon Matt's umpteenth trip inside to check the answering machine.
"I'm worried, Will."
"Nonsense. I'm sure there's a very logical reason for why she hasn't called you back yet."
Yes, there had to be. After all, they parted on good terms, had a fun date. She was probably just busy. Too busy to return a call? It would only take seconds to say, "Hi! I'm crazy busy this weekend but I'm looking forward to next weekend. Anything you want to do is fine with me. Just tell when and what to wear."
Mere seconds. Was she playing him?
"You're sure, huh?"
"Positive."
"I wish I was as sure as you."
"Aw, that's because you're thinking with your heart and not your head, my friend."
His heart was in such a state of distress it was blocking all of his brain cells from circulating into the thinking chamber. Oh, what love could do to the most confident and secure man! He started questioning and analyzing every little word, every little gesture from Friday night's date.
Did he say something wrong and now that she had time to think, had changed her mind about seeing him again? Was she sick or injured? Did someone find her and kidnap her? If they were still just friends, he wouldn't hesitate one bit. He'd alert local law enforcement that something was amiss at his friend CJ's house, and that in their line of work, had cause for concern.
Or better yet, he could jump on a plane and check out the situation himself.
"Maybe I should go there in person."
"What? You want to jump back on a plane, spend hours flying to New York just because she hasn't returned your phone call?"
Well, now that he put it that way, it did sound ridiculous. But what if she needed him … really needed him.
"No, Will. Something's wrong. I can feel it."
Matt's instincts were never wrong about CJ being in trouble in the past. But that was before his instincts were clouded with love.
"Okay, suit yourself. But have you considered what'll happen if you are wrong? She might retreat, throw off all your plans to win her back. And then you would have flown all the way there and back, wasting how much time, when there's things you need to be doing here."
Matt looked at the children running around on the ranch through the window thinking over Will's statement.
CJ had a moment of clarity. All the doubts about her marriage, all the feelings as if her happiness was temporary – were all casualties of their career. It felt as if a huge burden was lifted from her shoulders. She wasn't crazy after all.
"But what about all these omens?" she asked.
"Maybe they're not omens," Susie answered simply.
CJ looked at her puzzled.
"At least they're not the kind that are substantial enough to base important decisions on."
"But I thought … I thought I should always trust my intuition."
"Because you've always used it in your work and as a means of survival in the past?"
CJ looked her stunned. Was Susie psychic, too? "Yes…"
"And it's always worked for you."
"Yes..."
"But it's always worked for your career, not for the men in your life, has it?"
She shook her head humbly.
"Ever since my dad died when I was little, it seems I keep trying to prevent the worst from happening. But I seem powerless."
"Have you lost anyone else close to you besides your dad?"
She nodded. "I lost my boyfriend Carl almost two years ago. Lost my best friend Julia about six months ago."
"And there's probably been plenty of times you've been afraid to lose Matt, right?"
She nodded. "There were several times over the years I almost lost him. Whenever he left the office I knew there was a chance he wouldn't come back."
"So you're trying to protect yourself, fight for control, by finding any reason you can to keep him at arms length, because the closer you are with a person, the more likely you are to lose them."
She nodded, remembering Matt saying almost the exact the same thing. He seemed to have an easier time getting over it than her, though.
"Yes, now that you mention it, I guess I am."
"You know there's an old saying, CJ. We make plans and God laughs."
CJ thought about this statement a minute. Who was the one really in control here? Was she trying to take someone's job?
"So, it's true what my friend Tess said. I'm looking for excuses, using every little so-called omen, to declare myself unhappy."
"You're a detective, right? Use your analytical skills, take out the abstract factors and look at the hard evidence. All the freak events that keep happening might be what your friend Tess said – you two are really good when you're together. Trouble finds you but when you work as a team, you help a lot of people – and do so effortlessly."
"But how do I know that I'm doing the right thing?"
"Time."
"Time?"
The answer was that simple?
"CJ, what did your friends and family say when you told them you got married?"
"They were surprised we did it so soon after Matt's broken engagement but they were all very happy for us and practically said it was overdue."
CJ thought on this a moment. Maybe the other part of her insecurity was simply the fact that they moved too fast. Maybe Matt's idea to take things slow and go on weekly dates was the best plan since portable phones. Speaking of phones…
CJ took her advice and left her meeting feeling more clarity than she ever had. She couldn't wait to call Matt.
