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It was nerve-wrecking, the vulnerability brought by complete sincerity. An entire existence depending upon choosing the right words to convey his sorrow, his willingness to change, to learn. For hours, Edward tried to rehearse the sentences, selecting the perfect tone of voice to emphasize the underlying emotions simmering in his heart. Eventually, he accepted that it was an exercise in futility, for he wasn't a well spoken man; besides honesty couldn't be achieved by using logic, only the unrestrained baring of his soul would do.
Trembling like never before, he knocked on Bella's door. So many emotions swirled on her beautiful face, but Edward was only able to name two of them: surprise and animosity. The surprise he could understand, after all it had been a long time since their break-up. Unfortunately, the animosity wasn't exactly a surprise either. Given the way he had treated Bella, it would have been unnatural for her to behave any other way.
However, Bella was a polite woman. Begrudgingly, she granted him entrance, inviting him to sit. Expectation and a hint of impatience glinted on her eyes, but she simply sat there, waiting. And Edward, who had looked forward to the encounter like a starved man anticipates a plate of food, was tongue-tied. His heart was trying to beat out of his chest. His skin was covered in sweat. "I love you. Don't reject me", he thought.
"Bella, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"
Noticing her bewildered expression, he realized that all the fancy explanations had fled his brain. He had only the chocked words of an agonized man to offer her. His breathing was raged; he couldn't stand the scrutiny of her eyes. He got up from the sofa and started pacing around the cramped living room. For the first time, he noticed the boxes littering the floor. Apparently, Bella was moving, but she owned the apartment. Why would she move away? Pushing aside the question, he tried to concentrate on the more urgent matter: making her understand.
"I was my father's son. Shit, I'm still my father's son. But now I understand. After Esme told me about her life, I can see I was wrong. It wasn't happiness... Bella, I don't know how to explain."
Frustrated, Edward tugged at his hair, helplessly trying to grasp the words spinning in his mind. He was frantic, lost, until he felt gentle fingers on his shoulder. Turning around, Edward looked into her beautiful eyes and there he found the will to still his mind.
"My father was my role model. My mother seemed happy enough with the life she had. So, I believed that if I followed his example, I could have a good life with a good woman. It was pathetically silly of me, but it is true. It took loosing you and descending into hell, but eventually, thanks to Esme, I got the balls to face the truth."
His voice was broken, but his speech was coherent. Overcome by emotion, he touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. There were tears in his eyes, but that didn't diminish the shining intensity of his raw feelings. Holding Bella's gaze, Edward forced himself to continue.
"I don't know how to be a good man. I love but I don't know how to show it. I'm dense; it will take time for me to learn. But I want to, so much. Bella, teach me. Please..."
She tried to look away but he wouldn't let her. Tears were running down her face, so much misery marred her fair complexion. But Edward refused to retreat, he had gone too far, risked too much.
"I know I hurt you, made you feel unworthy, unloved. I can't erase the past, but I can promise you a better future. All I have to offer is my sorrow for the past, my love and my hopes for the future. It's not much, but it's all that I am. Take me, Bella. Help me. Love me... as I love you."
Lowering his face, his lips touched hers. It was a gentle kiss, slow and sweet. It wasn't domineering or demanding, it simply was a whisper of feeling made into an expression of love. Lost in each other, Edward smiled at the future, for he could taste the happiness waiting for them. Overcome by the perfection of the moment, Edward pulled her body towards his. At the contact of her soft curves, a moan of approval rose from his throat. She had so many misgivings about her appearance, but now Edward would have a lifetime to rectify her perception.
His hand cupped the luscious curve of her ass, pushing her closer to his eager hardness. But then he felt her hands flat against his chest, pushing him away. Complying with her request, he allowed her to take a step back. He was confused by the change in her demeanour, for she certainly had been kissing him back. Patiently waiting for her explanation, Edward noticed something when she dried her tears. There was a ring on her finger.
Understand downed on him like a bucket of ice. The ring, the boxes, the melancholy on her eyes... The old instinct to hide behind a mocking façade was strong, but he didn't want to be a jerk anymore. He didn't want to keep his pride, he simply wanted to be with the woman he loved. Desperation took hold of him. Gripping her arms, Edward made one last attempt at getting through to her heart.
"Bella, I'm imperfect. Shit, I'm not even a good man. But you loved me once, you can learn to love me again. I'll do my best, I swear... Choose me and I will do everything within my power to make sure you never regret your choice, Please, baby..."
She raised her hand, halting his speech. There was sorrow in her eyes, but also determination.
"Edward... Your words were perfect, but they came too late. There is no point in dissecting the past, so I'll just say what's pertinent to the present. Some part of me will always love you, but I have moved on. I found a man, fell in love and I will marry him, in a few days. I'm happy and I want you to find happiness too. I'm so glad you realized what you did wrong... You are going to do so much better next time... You have so much to give, now that you are opened to it. I'm truly sorry that I won't be around to see, but it is what it is."
Smiling sadly, he hugged Bella and said goodbye. Edward knew that he would never love someone the way he loved Bella, but she had made her choice. He found solace in the knowledge that he had been brave enough to bare his soul and that was a victory, especially to a man who had never acknowledged his own feelings. Edward felt sorrow for the future that would never come to pass, but determined to be a better man and then, maybe, one day down the line, destiny would work its magic. The time to fear was over. Now, it was time to hope.
AN: Yesterday, my internet connection decided to take a vacation. So, today you get two updates. Sorry for leaving you hanging. Forgive me?
