+++++ 6th Angel + 5 : Friday (43)
Standing outside of the Horaki home, Shinji spoke alone with Asuka for the first time that evening as he saw her off, "Thank you for coming over tonight, Asuka." He had more questions now than he'd begun the night with, but hesitated to damage the work he'd accomplished over the course of the evening. "Maybe…maybe we can do this again sometime."
"If you're willing," Asuka grinned, "we can even try and go somewhere and enjoy an actual night out. Maybe try some karaoke, or catch a movie. Once Hikari's out of lock-up of course, we can make it a threesome then."
Shinji blushed at the obviously intentional tease, "Y-you might find a nice someone of your own. Then we can make it a double-date."
Her smile dimmed, "That's…not in the cards, Shinji." He could see her struggling against anger, her eyes sparkling like they tended to when she was about to explode. After a dangerous few seconds, she snorted and looked away, "I wasn't truthful with you on the ship…I'm not looking."
"O-oh," Nice going, Idiot. Way to screw up the landing. "Well, uhm…you'll always be welcome with me?" He tried to offer his hopeful smile, and when she turned to look at him he watched the anger flicker in her eyes and get crushed under the iron will of the warrior before him.
"Ich danke Ihnen lieber Herr," she gave him her own smile, filled with sorrow and pain. "I hope this is the first of many such evenings, Paladin." Stepping forward and embracing him, burying her face in his chest, she whispered, "I've needed someone to have my back when they pull out the knives. There are so few good and honest people, Shinji…."
The memory of a kiss washed over him, of the woman before him pinching his nose and running. Of how he'd begged the uncaring spirits around him for even the merest hint of friendship from the beautiful pilot. How he'd stood there unmoving, unflinching, staring like a deer trapped in the bright glow of an oncoming freight train. After a second's hesitation, he timidly placed his arms around her in return. She's…she's not her. This isn't 'my' Asuka. This is…Asuka. "I…I won't let them hurt you, Asuka. Wherever the knives come from…I'll be there at your back."
Her fingers gripped his shirt, and for a second he thought she was balling her fists in anger, when she laughed. A broken, brittle, sound, "You too, Shinji. You and me, we'll save everyone." Stepping back, she curled her hands over his wrists, holding them atop her shoulders, "Thank you."
'Weakness' and 'Asuka' didn't go together, and he couldn't keep his confusion from showing, "F-for what?"
"For not thinking of me like that, looking at me like that," she smiled fondly. "For being the first man I've ever met that refuses to sneak a peek down my shirt. For showing me what…. For being you, Shinji." Letting go of his elbows, she waved and backed away, "I'll stop in and make sure Hikari's ok before I go back to my dorm. Let her know that you're keeping the house standing." The Asuka he remembered, proud and strong, shone through her laugh, "See if I can't convince her to stop faking being sick for attention and go home."
Something inside of him he couldn't explain prompted him to look to the member of Section Two driving Asuka home, "Make sure she gets home safely, Agent." He was surprised at the tone he typically associated with Misato emanating from his throat, "I'd hate to have a nice evening ruined."
The woman snapped off a salute, "Will do, sir." Opening the door for Asuka, she gestured towards the seat and spoke a few words in low tones, nodding once before closing the door. Turning to check that her actions met with Shinji's approval, she waited for his nod and then climbed into the car to drive off.
The tinted windows blocked his view, but he still waved as the car drove away, to be safe. Someone hurt her. The thought burned in his mind, Someone. HURT. Her. Stepping inside, he tried to tamp down the anger at that thought. Had that happened the first time? Was Asuka abused just like him? Was I so up my own ass that I didn't notice her pain was more than performative art? Striding past Maya, he hooked her arm and dragged her towards and into his bedroom.
Sliding the door shut, he flicked the light on and asked the only question that mattered, "Who hurt her?"
"Shinji," Maya cut off when he held up his hand.
His gaze was flat, "I'm going to find out, Maya. I don't care if I have to ask my father, I will have their name."
The door opening again showed Kodama, her eyebrow raised, "Team meeting?"
Maya looked past the nurse eager for a distraction, "Where's Nozomi-chan?"
"In the bath." Kodama looked to Shinji, "That's not 'hurt', that's 'angry'. What happened?"
"Someone hurt Asuka," he stated bluntly. "Before she came here. I want to know who."
"Why?" Kodama stepped into the room and closed the door.
Anticipating this resistance from the woman who'd defend him if he murdered puppies, he began his retort, "I know you think she-"
"Hold up, Baby," Kodama clapped her hands to cut him off. "I mean, what good would it do to have the person's name? Are you going to fly back to Germany and beat them up?" She looked to Maya, "I assume NERV's already shown the offending party or parties to a prison cell?"
"I'm not at liberty to speak on the matter," Maya replied in a dead monotone. Animating slightly, she looked to Shinji, "It is very much for everyone's protection."
"Kind of like you're 'not at liberty' to speak about issues regarding her mental health?" Moving to the man she sought after, Kodama put her arm around his waist and squeezed, "Which only an idiot would believe has nothing to do with why we can't put him in therapy."
Shinji's anger dropped to a scowl, "…Have they been punished?"
"I would like to think they couldn't have been punished more, Shinji," Maya saw him grumble slightly and nodded in understanding. "As a leader, it's the worst possible thing to have to handle. One of the people you're responsible for is hurt, or killed, and all you can do is trust your supervision to do its job."
"That's not all I can do," he said, freeing himself from Kodama and taking his overshirt off. "I can support her, make sure she knows she's not alone, and when she's ready to share whatever happened, I can listen to her without making it personal." Folding his shirt precisely, he set it in the hamper, "Just like you did for me, Maya." Turning to face Kodama, he let his anger become known once more, "Whatever problems Asuka-san is facing, Kodama, they do not involve us. Stop trying to ferret them out, it is rude and beneath you. I wanted to see the guilty party punished, not find out what happened to her. That she hurts is enough for me to know, the why will come when she's ready."
Her gaze was incredulous, "I'm doing it to protect you. Shinji, she's a hair's breadth from straight up crazy! Did you not see it in her responses tonight? She's about as stable as liquid nitroglycerin."
He crossed his arms before him at his chest, his jaw clenched, "I lived with her, Kodama. I know exactly what she is, and the more I think back on what happened the more I begin to understand that she was, and is, just as screwed up as I am. She's not insane, she's just hurting. She's not evil, she's scared! She's been forced to deal with life alone, something I don't think I have to remind you I know all too well. Now, she has a chance at a life! You need to back off of this. I've asked you once already to talk to me before you act on things regarding me, and if you can't even do that…."
"What?" Stepping towards him, the eldest Horaki planted her hands on her hips, "What are you going to do, Shinji? Since we're threatening each other now, what are you going to do?"
His words came out choked, "If you can't do that, how can I trust you?" Forcing those words through his anxieties, his fears, and the physical barrier they created, hurt him in ways he could scarcely stand.
"You…you…." Quivering, Kodama screamed something unrecognizable before storming out of the room, flinging his door open and moving angrily upstairs.
"That…might have been a bit much," Maya ventured after a few seconds.
Shinji's hands clenched rhythmically, "I won't let her abuse Asuka, Maya." His head felt too tight, his neck too stiff.
"I wasn't talking about you," she sighed, closing the bedroom door. "Don't worry about it."
"Would…would you please go make sure Nozomi-chan gets to bed?" I need to think. I need to breathe.
With one hand on the slide, Maya nodded, looking down as she heard her dismissal, "If that's what you want."
"She won't understand," his head vibrated with the need to destroy something. "Just…tell her I love her, ok? That Kodama and I are disagreeing over something, and we both need some time to calm down before either of us says anything else hurtful."
"I will." Opening the door, she paused at her name being called.
"Maya," Don't throw everything away. She doesn't have the legal right, and you don't have the right to demand her to break her word for you. "…When you're done making sure Nozomi-chan's ok…please, uhm…please…."
"My bag's by the sofa," she offered. "If it's still there when I come down, I love you and goodnight. If it's not," her smile was hopeful, "I'll know where to look for it." Stepping out into the house-proper, she slid the door quietly closed.
The sound of the latch setting into place allowed him to begin to shake violently, dropping to his knees and clutching at his head. How much did I misunderstand? What happened? Everything? Nothing? Was she just as alone as me? Was she just as scared as I am? The feel of her arms around him, tongues of flame scalding his soul, brought a pained whimper to his lips, Did I…did I do this all to myself?
Memory after memory paced before him. A mane of fiery red hair, a slap for not looking away. Cooperating to defeat the Sixth, then dancing together for a week to destroy the Seventh. The flames burned hotter as he recalled diving into a volcano for her, then the sound of acid sizzling as she growled her defiance at the world. She wasn't evil…she was just confusing. She wasn't trying to be mean, she was trying to connect…. She just didn't know how.
The thought of Asuka standing in Unit-02, facing the Fourteenth Angel alone, rolled through his mind. Rei charged…then exploded. An N2 mine? He fought through the haze of memories, aching at the echo of Kaji's words. Regret. Rapid, shallow, breaths pumped through him, I regret it all. Everything. I could have helped her, I could have helped them! The Angel broke into the GeoFront. That meant…that meant Asuka and Rei were…. Alone.
My bag's by the sofa, Maya's offer stroked his mind.
Alone. I left them alone. All of them.
+++++ 6th Angel + 6 : Saturday (44)
With Nozomi finally in bed and still, her crying done for the moment, Maya felt she could head downstairs to see how much damage had been done by Shinji finally putting his foot down. If he hadn't heard Kodama's nigh-incoherent swearing from her bedroom, she counted him as fortunate. Her intent had been to check on the woman first, understanding that she was simply trying to protect Shinji from someone that Maya herself knew all too well was walking a fine line between sanity and…the other option. We need pilots. But why do we need pilots that are damaged to a point near to beyond hope?
Checking the locks on the front door, a habit born of long years living in constant danger, she paused at the bottom step and sat down trying to sort through what her conscience was trying to impart. I love him. There's no doubt in my mind. I may not be certain about Hikari, we haven't spent enough time together, but I don't doubt I'm attracted to her. Looking up to the ceiling, she frowned, Is it love, if you can't tell them everything? She began to count the secrets she had, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko, Second Impact, Misato…. I tell him any of those, and he may never forgive anyone.
Laying back on the stairs, she closed her eyes, If I don't tell him…I'll probably never forgive myself.
Whether it was weakness or need that drove her to determine her fate, she decided she didn't really care. Either way, she wanted to know where she'd be sleeping tonight, and so she walked into the family room and saw that her bag was missing from where she'd left it. The amount of relief she felt at the missing bag was nearly shameful, I'm acting like a teenager. The thought of falling asleep alone rolled its eyes from the back of her mind. I'm…maybe acting like someone in love.
Hoping that he was asleep, or at least not too hopped up on whatever pain he'd asked to be allowed to process alone, she opened the door to Shinji's room. The lights were off, as they were in the rest of the house, and with her eyes adjusted enough to see by the dim light of the LED display on his phone, she saw Shinji curled protectively around her bag still wearing most of his clothing. His eyes slowly shifted to her, pain and fear that seemed far too at home on his face flooding forth from the two-toned orbs. "Hey." Sliding the door shut behind her, she decided that he needed someone else to take charge again, just not too aggressively. "I'm a little sleepy…is there perhaps room for one more?"
He looked down to her bag, then back up to her, the obvious conflict stopping him from acting.
"Possibly…a trade?" Walking over to his desk, she worked out of her slacks, "I can see how important that is to you." With a warm smile, she turned to face him and lifted her blouse over her head, "Let's see…what do I have to offer." With her slacks in one hand and the blouse in the other, she looked between them, "No…I think I like these clothes. They fit nicely, and you wouldn't have a use for them." Carefully setting them down, she posed in an exaggerated thinking position, "What else do I have…hmmm…."
Shinji couldn't keep his eyes from her, and the way he'd relaxed just a hair urged her onwards.
"Maybe," reaching behind her back, she unclasped her bra and slid it off, "this?" Holding it out at arm's length, she pretended to consider it, "It's rather small, though. Doesn't hold a lot." She heard him speak too quietly to be heard, and lowered her arms to give him a questioning look, "Did you have an offer?"
He blushed, though his eyes remained on hers, "I…l-like…what it holds…."
"Oh?" Flicking her bra towards the desk, she settled her hands under her modest chest, "You don't think they're too small?"
Unable to vocalize again, he simply shook his head.
"So…if you like these," she perked up playfully, "maybe I could trade you…a Maya, for a bag?" Hopping over to the futon, she dove directly at him, placing her trust in his instincts and reaction time.
True to form, he tossed the bag away and caught her gently in his arms. Landing against him was softer than she feared, but still very rough against her body. The hold he had on her bag was quickly transferred to her, with him rolling to his side and curling protectively around her. Without a word, he simply encased her in his embrace, her chest to his, her legs between his, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I'm here, Shinji." Despite the positioning seeming to indicate that he was protecting and sheltering her, she knew that it was him who needed comfort from whatever storms he'd summoned. Lightly stroking his face, she kept her tone warm and welcoming, "You're not alone." He shivered at her words, It's always something, isn't it? "Are you still really angry with Kodama?"
She felt, more than saw, his head bob and shake inconclusively.
"Yeah…that makes sense. She's trying to protect you, and you know that. But she's also threatening someone you feel responsible for, and that hurts." His body clenched slightly tighter, I may not be able to give you counseling, but I can at least get your thoughts out into the open accurately. "You know more about Asuka than she does, because her dreams aren't the whole of your experiences. They're just impressions and sensations."
He nodded. A jerky, unsteady, motion.
"Can I admit something?" Stroking his cheek, she decided to toss the dice and let them land where they would, "I'm here, mostly nude, laying with someone I never thought would ever want to hold me at all, let alone like this…but I can't enjoy it if I can't be honest with you."
The wind was nearly crushed from her as he clenched her tighter, his arms locking her against him.
"Ok, ok!" Spirits he is stronger than I thought. "I…I need to look at you, when I tell you. Can I," she wiggled as much as she could, "please?" Slackening his grip just enough that she could squirm back up to head level, she found herself staring into panicked eyes, Brace yourself, Ibuki. If he rejects you, this is what you'll remember for the rest of your life. Maybe…. Leaning forward, she kissed him gently.
It wasn't the kind of kiss that Hikari gave, the kind that surrendered everything of herself to him. Nor was it the kind Kodama gave, that demanded everything he had and offered more in reward. It was, instead, the kind of kiss that sought to meet him halfway. No demands, or offers, just a pleasant agreement that both sides had something to provide the other. When it broke, his quaking had calmed.
I have to do this. Taking a breath, she exhaled the truth, "I haven't been completely forthcoming, Shinji. I…know things. Many things. Since taking over the Science Division, I've found out…truths. Answers to questions you have, answers to questions Misato has. But I can't share them. Because if I do, you'll act differently. Not towards me, but towards others. Then they'll know you know. And they'll question you."
Shinji frowned, his eyes searching for something on her face.
"If they ask you something, and you reveal your past…I don't know that the Commander could protect you. I…we, could lose you, Shinji. These things…they won't change your fight, and I can't connect them to your voices or your time travel. I'm trying, though. Please, believe me when I say that I'm not hiding the truth bec-"
His fingers slid to her lips, and he shook his head. Shifting her focus from his hand to his eyes, she saw that the recriminations she feared weren't present. Instead, there was trust. Faith. Winding his arm back around her, he pulled her close again. Not confining as it had been, but instead simply holding her close.
"I promise, Shinji," she nuzzled her face against his neck, "I'll tell you when I can. Everything…when I can."
+++++ 6th Angel + 6 : Saturday (44)
"That is quite worrying," Suzuka sat primly on Shinji's back as he performed unceasing push-ups while explaining the central conflicts from the previous night. The willowy swordswoman had agreed with Shinji's declaration that a person's private struggles were theirs to share, or not. She'd even admired that he'd sought safety with Maya, as it meant he was learning to reach out beyond himself. Her disagreement began and ended with his lack of a firmer hand with the eldest child of her long-dead friend.
"Whatever she's going through, I want to support her. I trust Asuka when she says she's not looking for anyone, that she isn't trying to hurt me, Suzuka-san. She's the kind of woman that makes up her mind and holds to her words no matter what." Boy does she. He chuckled, "I can also see that causing some problems in the future, but like you said I can't pick my allies."
"It is well that you listen to the wisdom of your elders," she patted his shoulder approvingly. "Men like you can create hundreds who follow to better places, all because you are not too proud to hear good advice when it's given to you." Replacing the cloth she used to polish her wooden instrument of destruction in her pocket, she sprang backwards from his back and landed lightly on her feet, "What do you intend to do this evening, when you see Kodama-chan again?"
Slowing to a halt, he laid down on his stomach and laced his fingers behind his head, his voice muffled by the well-trimmed grass, "I hadn't gone past 'Good evening, Kodama'."
Nudging him with her toes, she urged him to roll over onto his back and look at her, "Have you considered not saying anything at all? Silence is as effective a weapon as any words, when wielded appropriately."
Complying half-way, he turned onto his side and propped himself up on an elbow, "That's mean to do, isn't it?" He frowned, "Ignoring someone, anyone, isn't very polite."
"Feeding attention to a misbehaving child only compounds the error, Shinji-dono." Offering a hand, she helped him to his feet, "Kodama-chan is taking it upon herself to guide your feet, attempting to steer you where she wants you to be. None but you should have that honor, not even Hikari-chan." The look she gave him indicated that she knew all too well that he'd allow Hikari to order him around.
"She did at least stay calm during dinner," Shinji defended his housemate. "I mean, it was only after I was angry over whatever happened to Asuka-san that Kodama-san became pushy about her past. Even I wanted to know part of it, doesn't that mean I wasn't setting a good example?"
"You wished for justice to be served in the defense of your ally," Suzuka chided him. "Kodama-chan is not seeking justice, she is seeking to remove the temptation of an attractive woman before she has a chance to work her way into your heart, or your bed."
That's…not entirely true, Shinji sighed. Not having told Suzuka of his experiences meant that her advice wasn't always as accurate as he'd like it to be. "Then why silence? What would the silent treatment get me other than her angry at me?"
"Other than stopping your infernal habit of apologizing from emboldening her?" Her eyebrow arched as she judged her comment scored a mark by his guilty face, "It would force her to lay out her strategy plainly. What that child desires is attention, as I said, and by withholding it you will be able to more accurately measure her determination. Is she simply acting out, and only seeks affection as a means to prevent loneliness? Is she truly in love, and willing to subordinate her own desires where appropriate for the man she professes that love for?"
Shinji, as was typical for him, tried to find a fault of his own, "Shouldn't I…shouldn't I subordinate my needs too?"
His friend laughed good-naturedly, "If you subordinate your needs further, Shinji-dono, they will disappear from the face of the planet entirely." Patting his cheek, she shook her head, "My advice is, as ever, only intended as that. You must deal with the repercussions, and it is only sensible that you then choose the actions which lead to them. I merely wish to see you happy, to see them grow as women, and hopefully in the end to know that my place in your lives is one you enjoy."
+++++ 6th Angel + 6 : Saturday (44)
His afternoon free of obligations after a productive day in class tending to his peers, Shinji hurried into NERV towards Hikari's hospital room. It had been too long, in his opinion, since he'd seen her and he intended to remedy that. Slowing down to speak with the pair of guards outside the door leading to his most valued treasure, he tried to keep his eagerness tempered, "Is she awake?"
"Just got done talking to her sis," the first guard said with a smile. "She's all alone."
The second teased gently, "Can't have that, can we?"
Smiling, he shook his head, "No. That would be an unforgivable abrogation of my responsibilities. I need to fix this, right away." The fond teasing had spread among those burdened with guarding him and the women he loved, and Shinji found he enjoyed the playfulness more and more as he grew comfortable with it.
"Just," the first guard hesitated, "a bit of warning. Miss Kodama walked in angry, and out near to crying. I wouldn't mention it, mate, but I don't want you blindsided."
His smile drooped, and Shinji nodded, "She and I had a disagreement last night. I'm sorry that your jobs will be more difficult, she doesn't cooperate with her guards on her good days, and this won't be one of the better ones."
"Not your worry, Paladin," the second waved dismissively. "We'll do our job, whether she likes it or not. You keep to your worries, leave ours to us." Pushing the door open, she smiled with a wink, "Now, go brighten her day."
Taking a deep breath, Shinji forced out a smile, "Right." Stepping into the room, he sought out the brightest point in his universe.
With her eyes closed, a look of frustrated meditation firmly in place, Hikari appeared to be having the kind of day he'd hoped to prevent. As the door shut quietly behind him, she lifted her hands towards him without opening her eyes, "I need a hug, Shinji. Please."
The space between him and the bed disappeared, another gentle bear hug enfolding the woman he'd depopulate nations for, "I'm sorry, Hikari."
She snorted, her grip far firmer than it had been days ago, "Because my sister is a busybody that goes too far?" Slipping one hand up to his face, she pushed him back so they could see each other, "I'll always love her, Shinji, but this is a character flaw. Sometimes the right answer is to do nothing. It wasn't in your case, of course, Kodama did the right thing by pushing for you to be removed from Misato's apartment."
He tried out his new skill at teasing, "You're just saying that because I moved in with you."
The twinkle in her eyes was all the reward he'd ever need, "Maybe. I do like having a good cook at my beck and call."
The thrill of victory filled his heart, "Anything you want, Hikari. Any time of day or night."
"Spirits I've missed being with you," she nudged him towards sitting on her bedside, and once he was settled she continued. "From what Maya described, and what Kodama said, I really think that she needs to back off some." Stroking his hand, she smiled, "I also think you did the right thing, putting your foot down. Asuka-san…hasn't had a good life. Whatever her problems are, we need to help her. That might mean we're taking a risk, but you aren't the same scared, nervous, young man that came to us a month and a half ago. She isn't going to be living with you. Things are different, and they will be forever."
"I…can handle a little risk," he nodded. They were playing a dangerous game, speaking around the truth they both knew, but it was necessary for him. Hikari's advice, unlike Suzuka's, was given with all of the information available. That meant he could completely rely on her, and he trusted her more than himself. "She's not the kind of woman…I thought she might be. I might have even misread a number of things, created my own problems."
"We'll see," Hikari nodded, understanding his meaning. "I'm not willing to forget, just yet. Forgiveness isn't necessary, as you know. That's something I think Kodama's struggling with understanding, and as much as I hated having to take her to task…."
"You shouldn't push yourself," he fretted. "You're still recovering, and it's not good for your health to stress yourself."
"I'm better, Shinji," the fond smile returned. "I'm not all the way there, but I hurt a lot less." Massaging her scalp, she grinned, "I haven't had a headache in the past two days! Not from the pressure, or from the surgery. Vivienne-san says I should be on track to go home tomorrow." When the look of joy reached his eyes, she relaxed. It hadn't been her intent to spend their time together worrying over the bad, as she terribly missed bringing him happiness. "Though, she says I'll need a lot of help doing things for a while."
"Whatever I need to do," Shinji declared firmly. "No matter what, I'll do it."
"Well…." Deciding to go back to the game of teasing, she looked away in pretend embarrassment, "I'll need someone to push my wheelchair."
"I can do that," he nodded eagerly. "I'll be there with you as much as possible."
"I will need to be carried up to the classroom, too."
"Of course," his mind plotted out the easiest routes.
"She said that bathing by myself would be dangerous…."
"I…uhm," he blushed, looking down to where she held his hands, "if you want…I could help."
"And that staying on the first floor would be safest," she grinned as she snuck in the final bit.
"I-I could, uhm, I could let you use my room instead?"
"Why Shinji," she feigned shock, "are you asking me to move into your room with you?"
"I…No! I mean, y-yes? I-" He paused, closing his eyes and breathing out a sigh, "Well played." Laughing at how easily he'd been maneuvered into admitting his own desires, he shook his head ruefully.
"I thought so myself," she met his eyes opening with a victorious grin. "Your futon is big enough for us both…Maya too." Her eyes flicked back and forth between his as she tried to judge the situation by reading the rapid emotional shifts across his face, and she ultimately came to the same conclusion the Major had, "You don't know how you feel about her, yet."
"I belong to you," he answered evasively.
"You belong to you," she retorted firmly. "You give yourself to me freely, Shinji Ikari, or not at all."
Wincing at the heated glare he was the recipient of, he looked away, "I…I'm not the best person to take care of me."
"That is different," she softened her tone. "But you do not belong to anyone but yourself. No matter what has been said in the past, you have to own yourself Shinji. Anything else isn't love, it's just…slavery." Stroking his hand until he looked back to her, she smiled fondly, "I have no more claim to you than anyone else, my love. I can only offer my heart, and hope you are willing to give your own in return. That's the mistake I've been making this entire time, and it was only by spending a few days away from you that I realized how I was setting us up for failure by not fully committing to your personal autonomy."
"But…what if I want you to take care of me?" He frowned, trying to make sense of the concept she was expressing, "What if I'm ok with letting you set our pace, our direction?"
"That's not love, Shinji," she shrugged, "it's servitude. We have to be partners, equals. Some days I'll need you to take the lead, other days you'll need me to take the lead. But if I'm always the one in charge…I'm going to burn out. If you're always the one in charge, you're going to…lose track of time."
The missing evening suddenly loomed large behind him, "Maya…told you."
"Out of concern, Shinji. She wants me to help her get you to stop bottling everything up, and I think the best way to do that is to stop expecting you to act like a servant." She tapped his hand, "You need to be free to feel what you feel, good and bad. Yes, everything is crazy. No, you'll never be 'normal', whatever that means. But at the end of the day, you're still human, and expecting you to not be angry, or scared, or sad…that's idiocy. So, I'll be strong for you when you need me to, but I need you to find your own two feet so that when I'm ready to slap Kodama's head all the way to Kyoto, you can stand between the two of us."
"I…uhm, I don't know," he tried to joke, "I've seen the kind of pain you can inflict, watching you beat up Toji-san. I'm strong…but even I can't take that kind of hurt."
Laughing, she slapped at his wrist, "I meant talk me down, silly." Squeezing his hand tight, she moved to a different topic, not wanting to belabor the point, "So…I want details. How is the class doing without me there?"
+++++ 6th Angel + 6 : Saturday (44)
It was close to dinnertime before Hikari faded, and it was with the exact opposite of eagerness that he left her room. She might not want to direct me, but she does a good job of tasking me with things. Moving through the halls, his guards attentive to his destination and speed, he reached the last known location of the elusive Misato Katsuragi. Hikari said she wanted to see me. She said Misato seemed nervous.
"If you wouldn't mind waiting out here?" He looked to the two agents, "I doubt I'm in much danger, around her at least."
"Let me check the room first, Tesoro," the lead agent made a begging motion. "We trust, but we verify." Looking at the young woman that served as Misato's new aide de camp, she gestured towards Misato's office, "You need to announce us, or can I just knock?"
The assistant was far too officious, her tone conveying the kind of contempt for interruptions that seemed contrary to her pleasant face, "Is the Colonel expecting you? You do have an appointment, yes?"
The agent's expression hardened, "Right, knocking it is."
"Cagna," her partner muttered just loud enough for Shinji to overhear, moving to block the secretary from preventing the inevitable.
A firm knock received a muffled reply, and the lead agent opened the door, "Hey, your figlio is here to visit."
Moving to where he could see Misato over the woman's shoulder, Shinji waved with a weak smile, "I hope I'm not interrupting?"
"Shinji!" Misato's face brightened considerably, "Thank you, Agent. I've been trying to find time with him all day, where's Doi-san?"
"Receiving an education in irritating una vera signora Italiana," the agent grinned coldly. "We'll watch the door, you two catch up." Waving Shinji in, she patted the small of his back as he passed, "No worries, Tesoro. We won't hurt her." The last word accompanied the door closing, "Much."
Looking at the door for a few seconds, Shinji turned to Misato and saw her considering him, "I think your version of Lieutenant Chambers is about to file a complaint about my guards."
Blinking, Misato worked her mouth a few times before laughing, "Shinji, did you just make a joke?"
"I…uhm," he shrugged, "I'm trying to tease more. It seems like that's how people around here make friends, and I don't want to be known as the guy that doesn't have a sense of humor."
"Well keep it up, because that was funny." Hurrying around her desk, she wrapped him in a hug, "Your little lady is going home tomorrow! I'm so happy, Shinji!" Squeezing him tight, her strength on display, Shinji was once more reminded that he was a far cry from the little boy that had been buried under an avalanche in her embrace. "Oh, I'm so, so glad that you demanded she be seen. I don't want to imagine us losing her."
Patting his guardian on the back, Shinji smiled in agreement, "I don't want to imagine losing any of you, Misato-san. Each of you is precious to me, and…I still mean what I said on the 'Rainbow." When she looked up at him, pain hidden poorly behind her steely gaze, he reminded her, "I'll kill a hundred for each one of my people they take. …It'll hurt to do, but I will not let them take anyone else without a fight."
Smiling with a slight air of flirtatiousness, she tapped his chest, "Careful, you start talking like that to a lady and she'll expect dinner."
Shinji read the music behind her words easily, the nervous energy she carried projecting it loud and clear. "When Hikari's out of the hospital and well enough, how about you, Rei, and the two of us have a nice 'family' dinner?" He smirked, "We can even help clean your place, and feed Pen-Pen something that isn't instant."
"I like the sound of that," she agreed, stepping back and gesturing to her sofa. Sitting on the edge of her large oaken desk, she crossed one leg over the other at the knee, "The reason I asked Hikari to send you my way…kind of has to do with the concept of 'family'." He sensed her hesitation increasing, as she bounced her foot. Waiting for him to sit down, she chewed on her words as she worked them out, "I've…noticed a few things. Things that, mind, don't make me angry. In fact, I think they're wonderful. But, I wanted to clear the air. Get your side of things, as it were."
He frowned, folding his hands in his lap, "Ok…did I do something wrong?" Nothing in the song seems to be negative. She's just…anxious. She's really not mad.
"No," Misato stated emphatically. "I read the report on your dinner with Asuka, Maya gave me a general idea of how you managed to win her over. It really seems like she's reaching out to you, Shinji. I like that. I want you to keep pushing to build a rapport with your Pilots, because that will pay dividends in the Evas. Your plan, making her dinner, and your execution were both solidly done."
He nodded, "Ok. I…well, I really am just trying to be friends with her. This isn't…I don't have an ulterior motive."
"I know you don't," she smiled. "The closest you'd ever come to Guile is the arcades."
"I…what?" The reference flew directly over his head.
"Don't worry," she sighed. "Old person joke."
He became more confused, "But…you're not old?"
Misato held up her hand, "Thank you. However, we're moving away from my point." Sitting up taller, she seemed to gird herself, "I am not good at this, Shinji. I can direct combat operations naked, I can stand on a battlefield and lead my people to victory…but I can't…do interpersonal conflict with someone I like. So please, when I mess this up don't automatically assume the worst. Let me explain, if you don't understand."
Hearing his own flaw paraded before him by her as a weakness in herself, Shinji let his confusion show, "I…yes. I don't understand, but I know what you mean. I just had a fight with Kodama-san about something similar, and…I won't judge you because you have a hard time saying what you think."
"Thank you." She gave him that million-megawatt smile she had, "It's nice to know that you trust me enough to share your problems. It's also really nice to know that you don't judge me for my failings." Her foot stopped bouncing, and she uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, "I…was wrong." Reading his confusion, she was increasingly grateful that he wasn't someone to talk constantly like she was, "That night you and I sat at the table, and I told you about 'polyamory'? I was pushing my failures into your life. The things I'd done, things I wasn't proud of, I was using my experiences to try and guide me in helping you. I…shouldn't have."
Shinji waited a few seconds, and sensed he should say something, "I don't blame you, Misato-san. You…you were just trying to protect me. Sometimes, to protect someone you have to rely on what you know. I can't blame you for wanting my life to not hurt, that'd be silly."
Ever blunt, she drove directly into her argument, "Even if my statement has caused you to avoid a young woman who'd love to join you in a relationship?"
Shinji blushed, looking down, "K-Kodama-san…. It's really Hikari's idea, a-and I…I care for her, but I don't know if it's love."
Kodama? Misato frowned, "Shinji, I was talking about Maya." I thought those were just rumors. She's a ball of love and energy, it'd be easy to mistake caring for flirting. I know that all too damn well.
His blush deepened, his hands freezing in place, "O-oh." Not quite ready to admit that he had stronger feelings for Maya than Kodama, despite his feelings for Hikari still dwarfing either, he squirmed as he tried to find the words he'd need.
The unfortunate Katsuragi tendency to tease the crippled prey reared its ugly head, "So…you like her, do you?"
"M-M-Maya," familiar with the hunting technique of the wild Misato, Shinji realized he was in deep grass and being stalked, "is…uhm, is very…special. I don't know if…uhm, if she…and Hikari…I wouldn't want to risk…."
Slinking off her desk, she crept closer, "What if Hikari did though?"
"I-I…." Reacting faster than Misato could act, he grabbed her lunging attempt at tickling and rotated her arms behind her back, setting her down in his lap, "Please don't. I'm not ticklish, and I get the feeling you are." Holding both of her arms in one great paw, he worked the spot he'd accidentally discovered during one of the many massages she'd insisted he give her in the time before.
A great howl of laughter and a squirming colonel was his reward. "Ok! OK!" Struggling away from his fingers, she kicked her feet out in an effort to escape, "You baited me into a trap!"
Gently releasing her, he smiled and shrugged, "You taught me how." The nervous energy in the room increased, Misato realizing that the 'prey' was still present, but wasn't as hapless as she'd thought. Shinji, on the other hand, was just pleased that he'd defused the situation without having to pretend to be ticklish. "If Maya and Hikari are interested in each other…I'd step aside."
Her shoulders slumped as she sat on the coffee table before him, "What if they're also interested in you? Shinji, I…." Leaning forward, she gripped his hands and held his eyes on her, "I made a mistake. Ok? You've done a fantastic job steering away from all sorts of terrible traps. Not just from me trying to tickle you, but from all of the girls in your school, the women on base, everywhere you go you've got ladies flirting with you. You could be surrounding yourself with partners, but you're staying true to the woman you love. But I think, and I'm being honest here, you need more than just Hikari."
His anxiety dimmed as his anger rose, he would not tolerate diminishing Hikari's place in his life, "There is no 'just' Hikari, Misato. She is the reason I'm sitting here, and not running for the hills. She calmed me down when I was about to give up on all of this. She is everything to me, Misato. Everything."
Fuck. Realizing the damage she'd inadvertently done to her argument, she tried to pull back and regroup, "You're right, and that was poorly phrased. See? I'm not good at this." Laughing awkwardly, she tried to exude the lack of confidence she was feeling in that moment, "As much as Hikari has done for you, and it thrills me to my core to know what she's done, I think there is more still that you need, Shinji."
"Why?" He reduced his scowl, I told her I'd let her explain. Just like Kodama apologizing to Nozomi, I have to trust that she has her reasons.
"Because you, and again this is just what I've seen, you need people there for you." Stroking his hand, she smiled appealingly, "You're strong, you're capable…hell, you've faced more combat in a month and a half than anyone your age should have to! But…Shinji, I've seen your records. I know your past."
He felt his scowl droop to a frown, Not all of it, Misato.
"I wouldn't have you near an Eva, if I had any other options." Holding up her hand when his eyes narrowed, she begged for patience, "Because I don't want to destroy you, Shinji. I don't want to take away the kind-hearted, generous, man that does his best for everyone he can, friend or foe." Wrapping her hands around his thumbs, she hit him with the same hopeful smile he favored, "I'd bring you back to my apartment, I'd have you make me fabulous meals, massage away my worries…help me by holding me as I cried my damn eyes out. But never let you fight."
Cursing his inability to slouch, Shinji let his shoulders sag as much as they could, "I…I think I understand." Take the risk. "In another world…maybe we could have been closer, Misato. We could have talked about our day every night, we could have apologized when we fought, we could have helped each other become better people while trying to improve ourselves for each other."
"If I could travel to that dimension, I'd take you and Hikari and we'd go live with them." Making a silly face, she tried to lighten the mood back up, "I don't think it's bad to say that I'd marry myself. I'm a rather nice catch, if I do say so myself."
"I…I don't know that I could go. I'd abandon everyone here, if I did. Who'd fight the Angels?" Looking to the woman he admired for an answer he himself lacked, he let his fears flow outward, "How could I ever look at myself in the mirror if I sought out my own happiness at the cost of billions of lives, Misato?"
Misato let her head droop forward, her hair fanning before her face and obscuring her eyes, "I'd kill half of them, Shinji, for another man like you." Her laugh was tortured, "Seventeen years old, and you have the work ethic of the best of my former unit. I can't let you burn out." Slipping off the table, she sat in his lap and hugged him close, "Love isn't finite, Shinji. Not from people like you. If you love Maya too, then love Maya too. If Hikari tells you she's ok with it, she's ok with it. Trust her, not me, not anyone else. Just…if Hikari and Maya ask you, don't look to me for your answer. Look to you. If you want Maya in your life, say the word. I'll move her into your house in a heartbeat."
The memory of the even-tempered woman lying in his arms all night showed well enough on his face that he knew Misato would pick up on his internal struggle, "She's…nice."
"How nice?" Trying not to push too hard, she still dug for answers, "Are we talking 'This is pleasant' nice? Or 'I wouldn't mind having children with her' nice? Are we closer to one or the other?"
He hesitated to admit anything, fearing that it would make it true, "I…."
"My lips are sealed," Misato sat back with her hand held up in an oath. "Not one word to anyone, except maybe Maya and Hikari if they ask."
"I…uhm, if I wasn't with Hikari, I would…I would date her," Shinji murmured. "She's nice…she doesn't push, or take…. She just…is? When…when…." Looking up to her, he worked his jaw some, "If I say anything…and you get her in trouble…."
"Shinji," Misato's eyes were glowing with the kind of honesty he'd come to understand from her. When she was like this, the punishment he'd experience for failure would have hurt, "I do not care if she spent all night draining you of liquids. If you wanted it, and you accepted it, you are over the age of consent. I'm your guardian, not your judge. She's my friend, and I have already said that I approve of you two trying each other out, if that will give you more support."
Shinji attempted to derail the thread of the conversation, "I…uhm, I thought Ritsuko was your friend too?"
"A friend you didn't want to sleep with," Misato answered with brutal honesty. "So, completely different. If, in some other world, you wanted to have sex with her I'd have been a little 'icked'-out by it, but…it's not my body." Poking the tip of his nose with her forefinger, she raised one eyebrow, "Now. We're not talking about the mad scientist in the basement, we're talking about the mad scientist that's spent the past several nights in your house. Whatever you say, so long as no laws were broken, is secret."
He locked eyes with her, "D-do you swear?"
"On what's left of my soul, Shinji." Reaching up and stroking his face, she smiled, "You've fought for me, you've saved my life, and you've shown me that I need to get that life in order. I meant what I said in the shower on the 'Rainbow, I am on your side."
A small smile shone through the paranoia, "So long as no laws were broken?"
She laughed, glad that he was still trying, "I'm not letting anyone hurt you, Shinji. Even Maya…even me."
"She and I…s-slept…in the same bed," he admitted slowly. "I-I…I've taken a bath with her, a couple of showers…sh-she's…she's very pretty. She doesn't…uhm…she doesn't…."
"It's ok," Misato tried to encourage him, "take your time."
"She doesn't push," he spat the words out in a rush. "Sh-she takes what I give, and doesn't ask for more. Wh-when she kisses me, it's like she wants me to meet her halfway…. She…uhm, she's…nice."
"That cheeky little chipmunk," Misato giggled. "I thought I was making a generous offer to her, and here she is already working both you and Hikari." Pleased that her plan was looking that much closer to reality, she shared more details, "She's been spending parts of her workday in with Hikari. Since she doesn't have to physically be around the samples, she can direct the tests anywhere there's a MAGI terminal or wireless access."
"She…didn't tell me that," Shinji frowned.
"Uh huh, 'Hey, Shinji. I'm glad you're back from school. I've been sitting with your girlfriend all day while you were stuck in class'." Raising her eyebrow, she let her point sink in.
His mouth curled sideways, "O-oh…yeah…there is that." It feels nice to just talk to her. He considered the brilliant violet-haired warrior on his lap, I miss this. "So, uhm, why do you think I should d-date her? Why not just…be friends?"
"Because…." Taking a deep breath, she let it out explosively, "Because if Hikari dies, you need someone there to stop you from falling completely apart." She felt him stiffen and set her hands to his chest to soothe him, "Shinji, she is your reason for fighting. She is your everything, and I have been tearing my hair out trying to figure out how to get you back in Unit-01 if this had been terminal. I am, without qualification, elated that she isn't dying. But…I can't trust that Rei and Asuka can pull this off without you. You've faced four Angels alone, and I can barely get Rei to activate Unit-00 from time to time. Asuka's…troubled, and may be good in a simulator, but I don't know how she'll handle live fire."
The truth of the situation slapped him harder than Suzuka had. If she died…is Misato right? Would I just give up?
"Shinji, you've lost so much," she pressed on. "You already have problems with sinking into fugue states, with what I can only assume is PTSD-related flashbacks shutting you down. You've fought through abuse, attempts on your life, the loss of Toshiro-san, and I watch you getting closer and closer to shutting down forever." Shaking her head, she spread her hands, "If I thought it would help…I'd promise you my bed. I'd take you home and do everything you asked me to. I just…I need you to fight, Shinji. I can't win this war without you."
Frowning, he thought about him and his former housemate…and dismissed it, "No." He smiled, letting the pain of truth shine through, "I wouldn't let you cheapen yourself like that, Misato. But…you're right." I need someone. Anyone. I can't be alone anymore. "I'm terrified of being alone."
"Cheapen myself?" She scoffed, "With NERV's most eligible bachelor?" Putting her fists on her hips, she let her head dance as she talked in all-out teasing mode, "I will have you know, sir, that I have personally squelched at least six message boards dedicated to posting photos of you. No less than twelve requests to have you detailed to various sections for 'hands-on training' have come through from department heads that have since had visits from me personally to remind them that this is not a dating service. If I have to hear Hyuga-kun whine one more time about all of the women sighing when you pass, I'm going to put him on the sewage maintenance team for a month." Faux-frowning at him, she clicked her tongue, "Cheapen myself indeed."
He contemplated the kind of attention he'd apparently been ignorant of, "That's…kind of creepy."
Misato nodded, "So when I see you growing closer to a Hikari Horaki, or a Maya Ibuki…I kind of want to attach a big rubber band to you and them so you can't get away." Her face once more becoming serious, she lay down against his chest, "You're far too good a man for me to risk in combat, but you're the best person for the job. I have to balance operational necessities against letting you have something resembling a youth. …I have to…no, I get to place billions of lives in the hands of someone who has fought nearly to death for them." She took his arms and wrapped them around her and leaned into his chest, "Find love where you can get it, Shinji. If it all goes to hell, at least go out knowing that you loved them while you could."
Author's Notes:
Starfire99:
RE: 'knives'.
+++++ 5th Angel + 9 : Sunday (38), Chapter 41.
RE: Clandestine.
ADJECTIVE
1. kept secret or done secretively, especially because illicit.
Martial Arts Master: Hikari is going to be returning soon, but the distance was necessary for the character to gain perspective. Also so that Shinji could ask himself difficult questions, and others could realize how precariously everything is balanced.
PrometheusDark: Shinji not feeling alone would have changed so much in Canon. It's a major milestone for him, here.
JaceSterne: It is not Manga-Asuka. The quotation marks were meant to imply that she hates her father, and doesn't feel that he lived up to the appellation.
