Chapter 54
Michaela felt her once stable breathing begin to increase slightly, the weight of his hand on her arm feeling overwhelmingly physically intrusive after several moments.
"Please…" Her voice was frail and defenseless, feeling his grasp only tighten against her struggles.
"I'm sorry… but if it's gonna mean you'll open up to me... once and for all… then…" Sully saw the desperation and fear sweep over her face, hating himself for cornering her like this. He knew Michaela's stubbornness, however; therefore he knew this was the only way.
She tightened her arms against her sides, feeling the roughness of the wall behind her. Darting her eyes quickly from side to side, Michaela knew he wasn't going to give in. She despised his determination in that moment; hated him for what he was making her face; however unable to fight the reality that he was doing what he thought right.
No. Don't give in, Michaela. You're stronger than that. You can't tell him, he'll never understand… you know what he was like before… you can't tell him; he'll never let you go through with this. You have to decide Michaela. You know what you want. You know what's right for you. Don't let him win.
"Michaela… nothing is that terrible…" Sully looked back towards the café; had somebody said something offensive to her? No. This had been going on for too long to be the result of anything that had happened today. He maintained eye contact with her; although nothing could have prepared him for the response that followed.
A barely audible moan of protest escaped her lips, as a single tear fell from her left eye. In one split second, Michaela had decided on her course of action.. Pulling back sharply from his grasp, she momentarily freed herself, looking immediately to her right, about to take a step in that direction, when Sully rested both his hands firmly on her shoulders.
She kept her head dropped, every spare ounce of energy being utilized to not give into his demands.
Two more days… Then… I can stop pretending…
She felt the silent words play over and over in her mind, reassuring herself that the façade was only temporary. Within two weeks, she'd be back… and no-one would know any different.
Don't ruin it now, Michaela… don't. You'll never forgive yourself.
"Michaela…?" Sully watched her eyebrows move, unaware of the mental discourse taking place within her.
Hearing his voice, although seeming to be a long way away, Michaela's only concentration was divided between the inner dialogue within her mind, and the sensation of his hands pushing down heavily on her shoulders.
Her heart racing, and muscles tensing, she knew she once again was left with only a physical response.
Drawing her hands instantaneously from her side, Michaela fought desperately against his arms, almost managing to duck and free herself from his grasp. She felt the stones behind her pressing harder, yet never painfully, against her back. Sully's hands moved to each of her wrists; leaving her completely pinned.
Michaela's eyes dropped closed in defeat at that point, feeling nothing other than physical suffocation and rage. How dare he presume he had a right to dictate her physical freedoms. How dare he presume he had the right to demand answers from her. In that instant of pure, irrational fury, Michaela's mind locked onto one undeniable conclusion.
"How dare you! This is all your fault…" She felt the accusation leave her without a moment's hesitation. Michaela was beyond possessing the logical ability to discern truth from emotion at this point, seeing Sully's eyes narrow as a sign that he had taken in her words.
"Keep goin'…" His voice was dull, hating to hear the words from her lips, however knowing that if it was what she needed to convey, then he could withstand it. It was the least he owed her.
"What gives you the right… to assume I'm accountable to you… to demand answers from me…" Michaela pulled her arms desperately in struggle against his grasp, her fists clenched to the point where her knuckles had turned white.
Sully remained perfectly silent, letting her work herself up to the point where pure exhaustion would allow her to disclose to him.
"What makes you think… you've the right to keep me here like this... you haven't a right to any of this… if it hadn't of been for you, none of this would have happened in the first place…" Her voice was ragged and strained, but still he kept his eyes locked on hers, and his fingers gripped around her wrists. He knew he was close.
"It's all your fault! If it hadn't of been for you… I never would have met Cloud Dancing, or Snowbird… or… or… any of them! I never would have been out there that day… I never would have seen them kill the soldiers… They never would have… He never…" Michaela's voice cracked as she furiously flailed her fists against his chest, uncontrollable tears streaming from her eyes. He lowered his gaze, realizing Michaela was finally speaking the truth she'd been determined to deny from him; to deny from herself.
"It never would have happened! All your fault! I… I wish… I wish I'd never come here… I…" Her breathing was shallow, her voice so high, it was almost childlike. Her throat was choked with tears, her hair splayed messily around her shoulders.
Sully swallowed, returning his gaze to her eyes, not expecting her to continue.
"I wish I'd never met you!" Michaela was hysterical by this point, her words however, still managing to carry complete conviction.
"You… you don't mean that…" Sully spaced his words out in hushed disbelief.
"Yes I do! I… I never want to see you again!" She felt her arms fall back against her torso, not comprehending that it was due to the fact that he had released them from his grasp. Somehow, Michaela managed to maintain direct eye contact with him, the raw fury having projected her voice forwards, as breath alone could not.
Taking a silent step away from her, Sully studied her face, looking for any indication of remorse or regret. He could find none.
"If… that's the way you feel… I'll… I'll go…" His voice faded in defeat, both aware of the permanence of his final word.
Michaela clutched her hands desperately in front of her, both turning when they heard a distant holler.
"What the devil you doin' to her!" Olive stepped out from the café, having arrived into the narrow alleyway several moments before, witnessing the end of the physical altercation, and jumping immediately and unquestioningly to Michaela's defense.
Sully's face adopted an eerily calm expression; looking once from Olive, back to Michaela, before he nodded twice slowly, and turned towards his right.
"You know where to find me when you're ready… I wish I could have prevented this…" He addressed her one final time, his voice soft and final, before breaking out into a frenzied sprint, disappearing out onto the main street, the wolf trailing after him.
Arriving to Michaela's side as soon as she could, Olive grappled to take everything in.
"Dr. Mike…? Dr. Mike… I…" Olive managed to take her hands just as Michaela began to slide towards the ground in exhaustion. Neither woman made a sound for several moments; Olive busied herself trying to brush Michaela's hair from her face, the only sound Michaela's tearful breathing.
"What… happened?" Olive shook her head, seeing the unfamiliarity in Michaela's eyes.
"I… said it was his fault… why… why did I say that…?" Michaela was able, for the first time, to recollect her irrational words, and despite having no control over them at the time, knew she'd said things that she could now, never take back.
"Ssh… don't have to worry 'bout that… maybe you had a point… I mean… wouldn't catch me goin' out there with him… sometimes think we're all kept separate for a reason… Sully's never understood that… but… with what's happened… maybe we're not meant to mix… just makes everything too complicated…" Olive found a clean handkerchief tucked under her left sleeve, delicately dabbing at Michaela's tear-streaked cheeks, surprised when she'd not responded until now.
"You're… you're right, Olive… It certainly does," Michaela sighed, looking from the alleyway leading up towards the main street, then back down to her hands locked in front of her waist.
"Come along… kids'll be worryin' where ya got to…" Olive rubbed Michaela's shoulder supportively, helping her awkwardly to her feet.
"Please… would you fetch them…" Michaela brought her fingers to her eyes, continuing to wipe the excess moisture from her face.
"Sure, everyone's headin' home anyway. Startin' to get dark…" The older woman reassured, Michaela slowly recomposing herself as Olive swiftly disappeared to get the children.
Feeling a burning sensation against her wrists, Michaela looked down to see the pale red marks left from the physical struggle.
Oh, God… What have I done…
X.O.X
"Time for bed, Brian… aren't you exhausted?" Colleen directed her brother through the front door of the homestead, the young boy still full of energy as he slipped off the jacket of his costume, draping it casually over the back of the chair.
"What happened to Sully?" Brian frowned, addressing his sister, as Michaela appeared through the doorway behind them Matthew was still outside returning Bear to the barn.
"I dunno… go on... gotta be up early for church…" Colleen deflected, her annoyance obvious. Without thinking, she picked up his jacket, folded it neatly, and headed across to the large walk-in wardrobe to the left of Michaela's bed.
"Dr. Mike… where'd Sully go? Colleen asked innocently, waiting until Brain had pulled the curtain across, preoccupied in changing into his pajamas.
Michaela closed the front door slowly, frowning unconsciously at the mention of his name. She turned to her right, noticing Colleen emerge from her dressing area, expecting a reply.
"He… I don't know… I don't know," Michaela felt her lips tighten against her teeth, every facial muscle struggling to hold back the tears.
"What's…?" Colleen's shoulders dropped, at a loss for Michaela's seemingly routine emotional breakdown. A heavy sigh escaped the girl's mouth, as she paced dutifully around the edge of the bed, quickly pulling back the quilt and top sheet.
"Thank-you," Michaela wiped her eyes with the back of her right hand, as she crossed the small space to arrive by Colleen's side at the edge of the bed.
"Did you tell him?" Colleen's voice was stern and demanding; she'd had more than enough over the past few weeks, and Michaela's evasiveness was only adding to her frustration.
"No…" Michaela slipped the two combs from her hair, looking down as she placed them carefully on the table beside her bed.
"This is ridiculous! You gotta tell him. Can't keep hiding it from everyone… I can't stand it any longer; havin' to walk on eggshells around here… never knowin' who's throat you're gonna jump down next!" The young girl threw her arms out to her side in exasperation, before folding them tightly across her chest.
"He… he's gone, Colleen." Michaela perched on the side of her bed, reaching down and beginning to unlace her boots.
"Gone? I don't understand… what happened?" She took a seat nervously beside Michaela, the girl's voice softening somewhat, sensing the significance of the word 'gone'.
"I… I'm afraid it's my fault… I spoke dreadfully to him… I… told him I never wanted to see him again…" Michaela's hands flew to her cheeks, cradling her head for several moments, still not believing the words had passed her lips only hours before.
"Why would you say somethin' like that? I mean… it's not true, is it?" Colleen whispered, reaching across to slowly unfasten the back of Michaela's dress.
"Of course it's not true… I didn't feel comfortable telling him… and he was being rather insistent… I just… overreacted… I'm sorry, I've been doing that a lot lately…" Michaela nodded in gratitude to Colleen, her words referring to their altercation several days earlier.
"It's all right, Dr. Mike… just think it'd be easier on everyone, you too… if… ya let people know what's going on…" Colleen pulled the corner of her mouth up slowly, realizing she probably didn't have a clue what she was talking about.
"Colleen, I," Michaela felt the guilt over her imminent departure resurface, wanting to warn the girl, however being simultaneously reminded of Colleen's words from their conversation on the bridge. She was too young to be able to understand the complexity of the situation. Michaela knew she could not expect the child to comprehend the dilemma she was facing.
"He'll come around, Dr. Mike… Sully ain't gonna think you meant it… gonna know you were just upset…" she reassured supportively. Michaela nodded enough to suffice, however remained unconvinced. She'd seen the disbelief and hurt in his eyes; she'd heard the fury and conviction in her own voice.
Colleen took the opportunity to glance down hesitantly towards Michaela's stomach, a worrying thought still nagging at her.
"Dr. Mike… shouldn't ya… I dunno… just… almost four months now… Aren't ya worried about people… noticing… I mean… maybe it's just coz I know... but… well, Brian didn't know… and he could tell. Wouldn't ya want people to know before they can see?" Colleen was suddenly aware of the realness of the situation. Somehow the term 'pregnant' had a clinically cold connotation; it wasn't until she began to visualize her mother over the coming weeks that reality began to set in.
Michaela's eyes dropped downwards instantly, adjusting her skirt awkwardly.
"No-one's said anything… is it… obvious?" Michaela very tentatively flattened her skirt over her firm abdomen, looking back towards Colleen for an answer.
"Not unless you do that… but… if Brian's all worked up, thinkin' you're gettin' fat… of course everyone will be too polite to phrase it like that… but… can't hide it forever…" Colleen rose from the bed, Michaela remaining silent, her hands moving to her back to unbutton her skirt, slipping the bodice of her outfit from her arms, and reaching for her nightdress under her pillow.
"Night, Ma…" The young girl whispered, a worried frown creeping over her face as she made her way to her bed, Brian already having drifted off to sleep from the day's excitement.
X.O.X
"I just… thought it'd work… thought she'd give in… Cloud Dancin', you know how stubborn she is…" Sully brought his knees up to his chest, gazing reflectively into the fire that lit the night sky.
"You cannot blame yourself… all you can do is try and do what is right… the choice is up to us… we cannot be responsible for the consequences…" Cloud Dancing adjusted the blanket around his shoulders, watching as other Cheyenne villagers settled into their teepees for the night.
"Do you think I'm expectin' too much? Expectin' her to heal too soon?" Sully frowned, wrapping his hands around his knees.
"I do not know… no-one knows… you forget… Dr. Mike does not even know… Spirits tell me the two of you are not meant to be apart, however," he offered, Sully responding somewhat skeptically.
"Well… we sure ain't meant to be together after what happened… only causin' each other more harm… thing is… it ain't just me… she's being snappy with everyone… the children are struggling… and I thought… I suppose I thought it was my place… my responsibility to… confront her… because no-one else will. I just can't see the light ahead any longer… not if she's going to keep herself so closed off. It's like… she's sayin' everything she thinks she oughta, even doin' everythin' like before… but… somethin' missin'. There's this… emptiness. Like she's not feelin' anythin'… and I don't know how to fix that," Sully threw another stick onto the fire, shaking his head in frustration.
"Maybe it is not something you can just fix… it is something she will need to discover for herself. It is not just about returning to the way things were before. It is acknowledging the loss… allowing oneself to grieve… Snowbird has been through a similar ordeal… once she was able to adjust to our son's death… it is not simply a matter of moving on… it is accepting that a time of grief is necessary. Now I do not know how long such a time will last… but I try to accept that living every day is not about ending this grief… it is about accepting that it is there… trusting that it will improve in time… however not fighting it… one must live in hope…" Cloud Dancing looked back up at his brother, Sully's eyes remained downcast and cold.
"But how much time? She seems to be gettin' worse… and I don't know how to get us through this any longer…" Sully sighed, looking up hopelessly towards the stars.
"You need to take some time… you need to balance yourself… My brother, it is not only Dr. Mike who is grieving… you too have suffered a loss… what has happened has taken from your future, also…" Cloud Dancing considered, his voice evenly-paced and calming.
"I don't care about me… it's Michaela… I… only want her to stop being in this pain. I don't care if we never have a future together… I… wish I'd died out there, rather than havin' to see her hurtin' so bad…" Sully lowered his head, feeling Cloud Dancing's arm come to rest on his shoulder, as if attempting to transfer pure strength through physical contact alone.
"You need to rediscover your purpose, if only for a few days… you need to find the right path again…" Cloud Dancing waited for Sully to glance back up at him, both men knowing they were speaking of a vision quest.
