"I only came because you wouldn't stop badgering me, Ryan."
He gave her a small smile, not fooled for one minute by her poor attempts to deny that she needed someone to talk to just as much as he did. Hilary had looked so sad the last time they had met and he wished that he could've taken back those harsh words that he had thrown at her. He was hardly in a position to take the moral high ground with her.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
"What do you want, Wolfe?" she asked tiredly as she took a sip of the cappuccino that had just been brought to their table.
"I wanted to see if you were ok, I felt bad for talking to you like that."
She refused to be fooled by his attempts at making peace with her, surely there must have been some sort of ulterior motive for him to have reached out to her. "If this is about my report I've already handed it in, you're too late to plead anyone's case now."
"That's not why I wanted to see you," he continued as he tried to make eye contact with her, moving his head in time with hers as she moved.
"Then why? Have you come to tell me what a waste of space I am, that I'm nothing more than a useless bitch?"
He was momentarily taken aback by the bitterness in her voice, reminding him of someone else that he cared deeply about. "No of course not. I care about you Hil…..I always have."
"Well it's a bit late for that. Where were you when the shit hit the fan? I was left hanging out to dry and no one stood up for me, do you have any idea what that feels like?"
He sat quietly watching as her resentment at her current situation burst through the emotional banks that she had so carefully constructed, her animosity towards her lot in life finally finding an outlet.
"Yes I do," he replied quietly after she had finished ranting at him. "I know exactly what it feels like to have everyone turn their back on you. The difference was that I deserved what happened to me….you didn't."
The idea that someone finally understood, after all these years, gave her pause for thought. Everyone she had met since her transfer to Internal Affairs had treated her with hostility and disdain, so much so that she'd become almost immune to their harsh words…..almost.
Why was Ryan reaching out to her and why now?
"What is it that you want, Ryan?"
He reached out a hand and attempted to place it on one of hers only for her to pull it away sharply and hide it under the table. He let out a tired sigh, "I told you, I want to be there for you. You look like you could do with a friend right now."
She gave him a withering look, refusing to be drawn into some childish game that would end up causing her more pain and grief than she currently had to deal with. "I don't need a friend and certainly not one like you."
He let her words wash over him, well aware that she was lashing out, feeling cornered. "I think you do, I understand more than you think."
"Why now?" she asked him coolly after a moment or two of reflective silence.
"Off the record?" he asked, looking around to check that he wasn't being overheard. She nodded her head warily, dreading what he might say next. "I did something I shouldn't have the other day, something that someone close to me wouldn't have liked."
My God, what was he going to confess to her, would she be thrust back into another situation that she would be powerless to control?
"What did you do?"
"I did something off-shift that I promised that I wouldn't do again. I let down the one person who'd always stuck by me by betraying his trust in me."
"What's this got to do with me, Ryan?"
"I realised the other night that what I was doing was wrong, this person had put their faith in me when no one else would and what did I do? The moment their back was turned I went right back to my old ways."
She sat listening to him as he gazed into the distance, as if reliving some painful memory.
"This person needs my support now…I came to the realisation that I was selfish doing what I did. They showed me that I could be a better person….make better choices than I had in the past. They made me feel as if I was part of something, part of something important and that what we were doing really mattered."
"That's a nice story…." she began, only to be cut off by Ryan.
"Just shut up and listen for once. The person that I owe everything to…he tried to push everyone away, convinced that he could handle things on his own…..it didn't work out too well for him either. You can't keep pushing everyone away, Hil, you need to let someone in….sooner or later."
He reached out his hand again and was relieved when she didn't immediately pull away. "Everyone needs a family, you can't keep travelling this path alone…..I won't let you."
"You don't mean that."
"I do, I just hope in time that you'll realise that. Don't let this be the one thing that controls your career, you're better than that."
She gave him a humourless laugh. "No other department would touch me with a ten foot pole, Ryan. Internal Affairs is all I've got….it's the best that I'm going to get, people hate me."
"I don't."
"Careful, Ryan. It'll be Department gossip that you're fraternising with the enemy…it won't do your reputation any good."
"Like it was that good to begin with," he deadpanned. "I don't care what anyone else thinks. I like you and I know that you're a good person, that's all that matters."
This time, when their eyes met, she got the sense that he was being honest with her and that perhaps his intentions toward her were honourable. She found herself standing on the edge of the abyss, her choice either to jump in and risk being hurt again or stand back and forever be alone in this world separated from those around her by doubt and distrust.
Signing off on countless reports in Horatio's office had done little to distract Calleigh from the conversation they'd had with the Chief earlier that day. Truth be told, it had gone better than she had expected but she sensed a certain amount of hesitation from Horatio, as if he wanted to say something but felt that he couldn't.
He'd left her to do most of the talking; the vast majority of the discussion had to do with Horatio's abduction and her subsequent handling of the situation. Had she done the right things, had she made the right choices?
The Chief seemed to think that she had as she sat and gave her reasons, not particularly comfortable at reliving the painful memory of those few days when Horatio had been left at the mercy of the vicious Malucci's. Chief Martin seemed understanding of the situation that the team had been thrust into and had told her that she'd handled it the best she could in the circumstances. It was hardly an out and out endorsement of her actions but it wasn't a criticism of them either.
It was perhaps fortunate that Michael Martin and Horatio went back some way as colleagues and had a friendly relationship, despite their differences in standing within the Department. The Chief seemed to have been more concerned with Horatio's wellbeing than the biased report that Sargent Craig had handed him the day before.
"I always take these things with a pinch of salt," he had told them as he dropped the file back on his desk and regarded his two subordinates. "Internal Affairs always seem to have an axe to grind, especially with you Horatio."
"So it would seem," the Lieutenant replied, looking up briefly at his superior before his head bowed once more.
"You really should stop antagonising them," Chief Martin admonished good-naturedly.
It was then that Calleigh felt the need to interject. "Forgive me, Chief, but if we've got no case to answer then why are we here?"
The smile on the Chief's face faltered as he clasped his hands together and leant forward on his desk. "There have been some salacious rumours doing the rounds in this building about the two of you. As the person who oversees the entire Police Department I have to make sure that each and every unit within the organisation is beyond reproach."
"I can assure you that we are," Calleigh added quickly as her eyes shot to Horatio who had kept his head bowed the entire time.
"Believe me Miss Duquesne, I have complete faith in both of your skills as crime scene investigators and as police officers, I have no doubt that neither of you would do anything to jeopardise your careers or your reputations. Horatio, I know that you're a good man but I have to ask…..what are your intentions towards the lovely lady sitting beside you?"
He suddenly felt his mouth go dry, unsure of what he should say. Things had moved so quickly between the two of them, did he really feel comfortable discussing his relationship with Calleigh when he wasn't even sure how to define it himself?
"Calleigh and I….." he began before pausing.
"Are a couple?" the Chief asked evenly, no hint of accusation or reproach in his voice.
"Yes we are," Calleigh answered for him before receiving a fierce glare from Horatio for her troubles.
The Chief sucked in a deep breath. "I presumed as much. You know this leaves me in quite a difficult situation don't you?"
"Chief…." Horatio began before he was once again cut off.
"I haven't finished yet," he rebuked the Lieutenant gently. "Fraternisation between colleagues is frowned upon within the Department for obvious reasons….reasons that I'm sure I don't need to tell you, especially when it concerns a subordinate and their superior. The rules are there for a reason, to protect everyone and the Department itself. That as it may be….I've come to a decision….."
Both of them looked at the Chief expectantly.
"Given that I know you as well as I do, Horatio, I have decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I have faith that your personal feelings towards Miss Duquesne will not affect your professional judgement but should I find even the slightest hint that it has or that it might, you will feel the full force of my disappointment in you. Is that understood?"
Horatio's head rose in shock, he'd not expected the Chief to take kindly to his dalliance with Calleigh, let alone give his approval of their relationship and his blessing for it to continue. "I'm not quite sure what to say," he finally uttered as his eyes met those of the Chief and found his superior smiling at him.
"Just because I'm part of the brass now it doesn't mean that I'm a heartless bastard. I'm surprised it took you this long to realise what everyone else could see all along. You've spent too long on your own, Horatio. You need something else in your life apart from your lab," seeing the look on the Lieutenant's face he continued before the younger man could object. "You deserve a little happiness my friend, who am I to stand in the way of that?"
"Thank you, Chief, we won't let you down," Calleigh told him brightly, momentarily giddy with glee.
"Be sure that you don't," he replied as he watched them stand to leave, calling out to the Lieutenant as he reached out his hand for the door handle. "Horatio?"
"Yes, Chief?"
"Look after yourself, that's an order."
Horatio gave his superior a small smile, "Yes, sir."
It was obvious to Calleigh that the last 48 hours had taken their toll on Horatio, so many things had happened in such a short space of time that he'd barely had time to take a breath let alone process anything that had occurred and it began to worry her that it would all become too much for his still-fragile state of mind.
At least it was a weight off of both of their minds that the IAB investigation had been concluded and that the Chief had given them his blessing for their blossoming relationship to continue. How she wished she could have taken back those hurtful words she had said to him yesterday, he'd told her that he'd already forgiven her, but how could there be any justification for what she had said to him?
Flashback. Miami, last night:
It had been a long day for both of them and Calleigh was not surprised when Horatio broke free from her embrace and told her that he would retire to their room for the night. She had suddenly felt very alone as Moses turned tail and followed his beloved master up the stairs, sauntering his way into the room and onto the bed, making sure that he got the best spot possible before his human roommates could make themselves comfortable.
She would have liked to have followed them up the stairs, her body yearning for a repeat of the night before, but she knew that she needed to give Horatio a little time and space. His question had caught her off guard; neither of them had even tried to define their relationship until now, preferring to let things develop naturally. What would happen if they took the plunge and confirmed their relationship status not only to themselves but to the entire Department too?
Would putting a label on what they had change things, would one or both of them be forced to leave the Lab due to some bureaucratic nonsense?
More to the point, were either of them ready to sacrifice their professional relationship for their personal one?
There were too many questions and not enough answers to satisfy either of them, after months of uncertainty they had finally found a little solid ground and now they were facing the prospect of having that stability ripped away from them again. Were either of them that sure of their feelings that they were willing to gamble the rest of their careers on it?
When she had finally retired to bed she found her lover lying on his side, eyes closed and seemingly asleep. She had tried to be as quiet as possible but the squeaky floorboards by their king-size bed had other ideas as he cracked an eye open and looked at her.
"It's late, Calleigh. You should have come to bed earlier," he told her as he lifted the thin top sheet to allow her to climb into the bed with him.
"I had a lot to think about," she told him cryptically as he nodded his head and pulled her closer to him, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
"Calleigh, if it comes down to it…you know the choice I'll make."
"No, you won't have to. It'll be fine," she told him even though she didn't really believe it herself.
"Sweetheart, you know that it's a possibility…..you have to let me make that decision, you owe it to me."
"I'm not talking about this," she said as she tried to shut down the conversation again.
"If it comes down to it…..you have to let me do it. Please, Calleigh, I've never asked anything of you before…..I'm begging you, let me do it if I have to."
"You shouldn't have to make that choice. It's not fair, Horatio!"
He wiped away the tears that had spilled onto her cheeks with his thumbs, "I don't even have to think about it, given a choice I'll always choose you."
He looked at her with those soulful blue eyes that were so full of patience and understanding and suddenly she no longer felt worthy of the love that he was bestowing on her. She nodded her head and closed her eyes as he pulled her closer still, until her head was resting on his chest, quietly sobbing herself to sleep as he held her tightly and rubbed circles on her bare skin, soothing her in the way that only he could.
Present day. Miami:
"H, I'm glad I caught up with you."
Ryan's voice floated to him from the other end of the locker room as he made his way from the bathroom. "Mr Wolfe," he replied as a way of greeting.
"Natalia told me that she saw you and Calleigh heading up to see the Chief earlier."
"Did she now?" the Lieutenant replied as he stood side on and regarded his young colleague.
"Please tell me you didn't do what I think you've done." Ryan kicked himself mentally for babbling as Horatio gave him a quizzical look.
"And what might that be, Mr Wolfe?"
The two men stood looking at each other. "Put in for retirement," Ryan finally blurted out after a prolonged silence between the pair of them. "I know how much stress you've been under recently and that you just need a little time to get things straight. It's not worth throwing your career away over it. What happened at the warehouse was just a blip, you'll get through this…I know you will...I..."
"Mr Wolfe?"
It was only when Horatio interrupted him that he realised that he'd been babbling again, his mouth running at a mile a minute as his brain struggled to keep up and match the frenetic pace it had been set. He closed his mouth slowly as Horatio cocked his head to the side and raised it to look at him intently.
"I appreciate your concern…..things are being handled, I'm sure it will all come to a satisfactory resolution soon."
What the hell did that mean?
Horatio was enigmatic at the best of times; only revealing what he wanted others to see, keeping so much hidden beneath his calm exterior.
"You're a fine CSI, Mr Wolfe. I have no doubt of your ability to one day run this facility."
That had sounded like a goodbye if ever he'd heard one.
"Horatio, I need to tell you something."
The older man twiddled the sunglasses he held in his hands as he looked up at his colleague. "I'm listening,"
"I did something the other day….something I'm not proud of. I betrayed your trust in me….I'm sorry."
He couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on Horatio's face, he hung his head and kept his gaze directed to the floor, the other man's quiet voice made him jump.
"It's ok, Ryan. I forgive you."
His head shot up as he looked at him. "How can you forgive me? You don't even know what I've done!"
The other man walked towards him slowly, "It's not about the mistakes you make, Mr Wolfe, but how you learn from them. Our choices define the life we lead; I have faith that you'll make the right choice."
"And what about you?"
"Time will tell, Mr Wolfe…time will tell," Horatio responded with a brief smile as he passed by the younger man and left the room.
