Chapter 53

"You have to be kidding me." I looked at Fonzie as Teeny Tiny Dictator was trying to revive Boobs. "Trailer, where did you pick him up?"

"The gas station over by the interstate." She chomped that gum with gusto. "All I had to do was buy him a Slushee and a hot dog."

That was not at all surprising. It fitted perfectly with the theme of this bachelorette party event. Redneck Bachelorette Hoe Down. We just needed the beef jerky and the tunes of Garth Brooks. Yee ha.

"Hello, ladies." Fonzie was strutting. Boobs was swooning. I was close to vomiting. "I brought a mix tape."

Of course, he did. Luckily for him, Chief Charlie lived in the stone ages of cassettes and MTV's Party To Go. The time of actual music video and boom boxes. Which we had at our disposal.

"You want to take it from me." Fonzie waved it towards me.

I stared at him. "Only if you want me to cram it where the sun doesn't shine."

He just laughed. Seriously? I would do it in a heartbeat.

Kate took it from him with a knowing look towards me. She knew me too well. She was a...friend.

Sticking the tape in the cassette deck, the smooth sounds of Aerosmith came on. I wished for those ugly pink zebra striped ear muffs Mommy Dearest got me for Christmas. I always said it would be a cold day in hell before I ever wore them. Today the devil must be wearing a parka.

He started gyrating like a convulsing chicken that just had it's head cut off. Not the most attractive sight. Except to Boobs. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked like a dog in heat. I was surprised she hadn't tried to hump his leg yet.

He took off his shirt. Boobs squealed. Fonzie had tattoos drawn on with magic markers. Awesome.

"This is probably a very bad idea having him here." The Teeny Tiny Dictator was freaking out. "I brought movies! Can't Hardly Wait! Save the Last Dance! She's All That! A bunch of old school classics!"

Fonzie grabbed chair and started gyrating on it. He was defiling patio furniture now. I could never again sit in the back yard. That was pretty funny. Last time I checked, Chief Charlie refused put a TV in the backyard. My throne will remain on the couch.

Fonzie pulled down his pants. He sat on the chair and patted his legs. "Bella?"

Oh hells no.

Trailer Trash Barbie did a chomp and threw her wad of gum on the ground. "This is my bachelorette party, boy. I'm riding that pogo stick!"

What? She threw her gum on the ground?

He made a nervous squeal. A 6-foot, irate Amazonian would do that to a Fonzie wannabe.

I walked to the back door and called in, "Chief Charlie, we need you out here."

My dad, hand down his pants, wearing a stained Police Academy tee-shirt came outside. I was mesmerized by the giant Steve Guttenberg head on his chest. It's my dad's favorite movie. Surprise, surprise.

"What can I do you for, Kid?" Chief Charlie was a little tipsy on Colt 45.

"We need a bouncer for the stripper."

"What the hell!" Chief Charlie turned bright red. "I thought you girls were having a slumber party?"

"A stripper slumber party."

"Where the hell is my gun?" My father stomped into the house.

Fonzie, pants around his ankles, ran down the road.

Best party ever.