Downward Spiral
Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious
A/N: My attempt at some first person, as Trina now narrates her own past.
Chapter 53 (The Widow)
June 14, 2027 is a day I will always remember, but not with any particular fondness. No, this day was yet another cool day for summer. The AC was on full blast, though we didn't need it.
Sasha was nearly five years old at the time, and her sister was ten. Megan was outside helping her father with the yard work while Sasha remained inside. Sasha wanted to help her big sister and her dad, but it wasn't allowed because of her heart condition. Megan was more attached to her dad than Sasha, but by that same token, I acknowledge how smothering I can be when it comes to my youngest.
It's caused a degree of sibling rivalry between my daughters. It's difficult not to smother, given Sasha's medical conditions, but I'm trying to baby her a lot less.
"Momma look!" Sasha held up a picture of a dog that she drew. The dog consisted of two brown ovals, one large and one small. It had two lines between them to form a neck, and four underneath that extended to smaller circles. It was colored in with crayon. "I made a puppy."
The child laughed and ran up to place the paper in my lap. My heart rose and I lifted the drawing with a wide grin. "It looks wonderful Sasha. I'm putting this up on the fridge."
The hum of the lawnmower outside filled my ears, pleasing them. The grass had become overgrown and I'd been bugging Jesse to have it mowed for some time now. My preference would have been to hire someone, but Jesse is a proud man that has never liked to pay someone to do a job he could do himself. It was worrisome though, because he had been having a lot of chest pain lately; so I don't want him overdoing it.
It's gotten worse lately for me, with the dreams that keep coming. Every now and then I see my old friend, Sasha, and I can see her dancing arm in arm with my husband. I know part of him will always love her, and part of me will always feel like he never belonged to me. He was always hers first, and she his.
Placing my daughter's drawing on the refrigerator, I gaze lovingly at the joy in Sasha's eyes. Whenever she smiles, the day gets a little bit brighter. Oddly today, her tenderness can't shake away the feeling of grief gripping at my heart. Try as I might to understand this feeling, I cannot do so.
Outside the window, Jesse is passing by with the mower. Megan is in the flower bed across the yard, watering the plants. Jesse's long, wavy hair is damp with sweat and he looks as though he hadn't slept in days. "Something isn't right," I whisper carefully so as not to alarm my daughter to the anxiety growing within me.
My husband has always been a proud and strong man, and in that, he has not made an effort to visit the doctor despite the odd pain he'd been feeling lately. Instinct warned to go outside and make him stop mowing, mostly because he looked exhausted. Instinct suggested to grab Megan out of the yard and away from her dad.
Simple tasks never wore Jesse out, and for him, mowing was a simple task. Today, he was breathing heavily and his eyes seemed to be flitting about.
Hearing the mower stop, I rush out to the porch and see him leaning against the top handle with his elbow hanging over and his right hand sweeping his brow. "Jesse, why don't you come inside?" He looked up at me and with a chuckle, shook his head.
"I'm okay dear."
"You look worn out. I'm worried about you. Come inside and rest." Jesse flashed a smile and waved his hand in the air. His chest moved outward and he turned back towards the mower. "Jesse."
"I need to get this lawn done. I'll come in when I've got this finished." He needed to do this task piece by piece. We had a large backyard that wasn't meant to be mowed in one sitting.
I knew better than to force him, so I went back inside to relax and watch my little one play some more. Jesse started up the mower once again, and its hum once more filled my ears with a melody that soothed and filled me with a strange exhaustion.
I was in my leather recliner and drifting off when Sasha climbed up into my lap. She curled into a ball beside me and I put my arm around her, protecting her as though she could fall off the chair at any minute. My eyes became heavy, so I closed them and willed myself to drift off to sleep.
The dream comes to my mind once more, and I saw my beautiful friend again stepping out of the darkness. She had a white spotlight that surrounded her, and a look of serenity in her eyes. Her arm outstretched towards me and I reached to try and take her hand, but my eyes deceived me. For Jesse stepped into view, placing his hand in hers.
My heart stopped as the pair looked my way. "Borrowed," whispered Sasha. She turned towards him, sliding her arm around his neck and gazing tenderly into his eyes. I tried to make a sound, but couldn't-I could barely move a muscle in my hand.
Sasha appeared much crueler in my dreams than she was in life, like a succubus intending to take my husband from his wife and children. For a moment it crossed my mind that perhaps these nightmares were an omen, but I knew the reality of dreams. They were nothing to fear, for they often meant little.
Just then, Sasha's head turned and her expression turned to panic. "Put the little one in the bedroom." I jerked my head back and my body jolted awake. The phrase was still fresh on my mind, and carried the weight of an order.
My daughter was fast asleep, so I lifted her up and carried her into her bed. As I tucked her in, I saw her eyes open up partially and her tiny fingers caressed the top of her brown comforter. "Mommy?" She yawned. "I'm not so sleepy."
I slide my hand through her hair and kiss her forehead. "Go ahead and take a short nap sweetheart, you look worn out." Sasha pulled her stuffed bunny, a white rabbit named Snowball, to her side and curled up.
"Love you, mommy."
"I love you too honey."
I left the bedroom once she was asleep again and closed the door behind me. I felt a rush of fear and grasped my chest, not knowing why I felt so anxious.
I could tell moving into the living room that the lawn mower had stopped. I hoped this was a good sign that Jesse was done mowing the lawn and had come in to rest, but I didn't see my husband anywhere.
There was a thickness forming in my throat, making it difficult to breathe as I moved closer to the door. Through the window pane, there was a sight that sent a shiver through my body and froze my fingers upon the knob.
The lawn mower was in the dead center of the yard and Jesse was on his back. Megan was kneeling at his side with tears in her eyes as she shook him with such vigor that he might fall apart. "Jesse!" With a new ounce of strength, I pushed the door open and ran outside.
Megan looked up at me, whimpering fearfully. "Daddy won't wake up. Momma, why won't he wake up?" Paralyzed by fear and grief, I fall to my knees and place my hands on his chest. I feel only a slight pulse, and shallow breaths. "He fell over and laid there, I thought he was tired, but then he stopped moving. Momma, what's wrong with daddy?"
Tears stung my eyes, like bleach. "Megan go inside." My words trembled and my fingers started to curl. "Go inside, call 9-1-1." I saw her eyes grow huge, and after several seconds, my child bolted to the door.
In my heart I knew he was gone, all the pleading and grief in the world wouldn't change that. I wept uncontrollably, however, with my tears spilling across his chest until the paramedics arrived. Megan stayed inside, keeping a watch over Sasha. It was bad enough Megan had to witness her dad's death, Sasha was much too young to see something like this.
My thoughts on how to tell them their daddy was gone hadn't occurred to me at all, because there was no preparation for something like this. For me, it was like losing a part of my soul.
The funeral was hell. Both of my children wore patterned black dresses, matching my own. They stood on either side of me, gripping my hands. I couldn't read my oldest daughter's expression, she looked angry and hurt but also seemed to be trying to remain strong.
Sasha broke loose from me, running up to her father's coffin and trying to raise herself up as though she wanted to climb into it. "Daddy wake up," Sasha cried, "I want to play with you." The girl's voice broke and her tears poured along her cheeks. "Please daddy, please, don't go."
I knew I should pull her from him, but my heart was breaking so much I couldn't act like I knew I should. My family watched on as well, all with silent and sorrowful gazes. Even Beck was present. I wasn't sure why he was there, but I didn't want to know. I couldn't be bothered.
When I saw his brother, I knew. Jason was on call at the ER when they brought Jesse in. Jesse was already gone, but it was up to him to diagnose the root cause. Jason looked at me with a frown. I could see in his eyes he recognized me; the kook from the store a few years before that seemed to know his daughter.
It didn't matter.
He walked up and extended a strong hand. I took a deep breath and shook his hand, closing my eyes as he reached up with his free hand to pat my upper arm. "I'm so sorry for your loss." I gasped out and reached up to my chest. "I wish I could have done more."
"You've done more than anyone could." I smiled politely, thanking him with a nod, then pulled away. I approached my husband's coffin and slid my fingers along the wood top while gazing down at Jesse. "I love you. I will always love you. I'll be strong…" I looked up to the sky, my voice shook and my body trembled. "Take good care of him Sasha…"
I didn't know the first thing about being strong, but when I looked at my two young girls, I knew being strong was something I'd have to figure out. I needed to get a job again so I could support them. It would be the first thing I do.
The months that passed were the hardest. I hit the job boards day in and day out while my two daughters sat around the television in a feverish attempt to distract themselves from the lack of a father.
Megan was hit the hardest from what I could see, and she was beginning to lose some of her childhood innocence. The girl was toughening up, becoming more protective of her little sister, and even myself. It was the last thing I wanted to ever happen, but I didn't know how to prevent this change in her.
Sasha followed her around like a puppy, mimicking her older sister and doing everything with her. Once in a while, Megan would wander off to the park down the street, playing dangerous games such as jumping on the rocks in the creek or climbing rock structures there, and Sasha would follow suit.
I mourned my husband's loss differently, eventually coping and coming to terms with his being gone. Every now and then, I would think about the daughter I gave up so long ago, and I would be glad she didn't have to deal with such a loss. Though, from my understanding, she never had a mother.
Eventually Beck approached me with news that Judge Baker was hiring for a new secretary and assistant. I still had knowledge of paralegal studies and could do the work of a judicial secretary, so I took his advice and applied.
To my pleasure, I got the job, but little did I know that Beck placed me directly in the path of a doctor that I had tried to spend as little involvement with throughout the many years that had passed…
So here we see what happened to Jesse. What are your thoughts? Likely Beck's having the same bit of this in his lecture, but he'd probably choose carefully how to discuss the matter due to Rachel's (and ulitmately Megan's) presence.
