It was late afternoon and Jude was leaving for the day, jotting down lyrics in a notebook as she walked out of the studio. Tommy had been back in Toronto for a little over two weeks, and Jude was slowly starting to come to terms with it. She was writing songs for real again, and it was making her feel more like herself. She was looking down at the page, not watching where she was going, when she walked straight into someone turning the corner. The woman's phone was knocked out of her hands, and Jude dropped her notebook. "Oh my gosh!" Jude exclaimed, bending down to pick up the dropped items. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking."
"It's fine," the woman laughed, accepting her phone back from Jude.
As they stood, a man came up behind the woman and said, "Jude, hi!"
Jude looked up, and was surprised to find that she recognized him. "Alex? Wow, um… long time no see." He'd completely and pointedly ignored her the entirety of Megan's trial, and, though he'd been at Bermondsey a handful of times a while back, before Caroline was born, they hadn't done more than make fleeting eye contact across the room.
Alex smiled. "No kidding!" He casually put a hand on the woman's back.
The woman smiled at Alex and then held a hand out to Jude. "I'm Lucille Du Val. Lucy."
Jude shook it, looking confused. "Uh, Jude Harrison, hi. You… know Alex?"
Lucy laughed. "Quite well, I'd say."
"Sorry," Alex said. "Lucy is my girlfriend." He beamed as he said it.
"Oh!" Jude exclaimed, surprised again. "Wow, okay, nice to meet you."
"You too." Lucy smiled. "Alex has told me a bit about you, and of course I love your music."
"Yeah, thanks, that's nice of you to say." Jude looked back at Alex. "What are you doing here? I mean– I don't mean… I just haven't seen you around in, what, a year and a half?"
"Yeah, something like that. But I decided to show Lucy the studio. I kind of grew up here, you know, and I figured she could see it, meet Emily, maybe some of my other old friends. Is Tom around?"
"No." Jude's smile froze, but didn't drop. "He's actually living in Toronto right now."
Alex looked surprised. "Oh. Are you…"
"We're, uh, working on separate projects," Jude said, repeating one of the lines they'd fed to the media.
"I see," Alex said with a slight frown.
"So, Lucy," Jude said brightly, changing the subject to the first thing she could think of, "how long have you known Alex?"
"We met in… what, late February?" Lucy looked at Alex, who nodded. "We've been together six months next week."
Six months. So it was right after Caroline died, Jude realized, feeling a dull ache in her chest at remembering once again that the six month anniversary was in two days. "That's great. How did you meet?" Jude wasn't sure if she was genuinely curious, or if she just wanted something to distract her, to keep her from thinking about how nearly half a year had passed since she last held her baby girl.
Lucy smiled. "That's actually a good story. He went on a blind date with– oh." Her phone rang as she spoke and she cut off, digging it out of her purse. "Just a minute." She picked it up and hissed a curse as she read the name. She gave Jude and Alex both an apologetic look. "So sorry, it's work. I need to take this." She answered the phone and walked a little ways away from them.
"What does she do?" Jude asked.
Alex smiled. "Lucy's a journalist and a filmmaker. When I met her she'd just returned from Cairo. She'd been covering the revolutions. She made a really great documentary."
"Wow, that's…" Jude looked at Alex's girlfriend in surprise. She was a pretty small woman, even in heels she was a little shorter than Jude, and she was thin, with delicate features. She was dressed sharply in a pink blouse and black pencil skirt, her long, dark hair in a fishtail braid down the middle of her back. Jude could imagine her as a bank teller or a lawyer, maybe doing the 5 o'clock news, but holding a camera in the midst of shouting protestors and clouds of tear gas? "Intense," she finished.
Alex nodded. "Intense is a good word. Or terrifying." He smiled again. "But when she's passionate about something, she's fearless."
"Don't start that, Alex," Lucy scolded, having hung up the phone and walked back over to them. She turned to Jude. "He brags about this, but I was just in the right place at the right time. I saw a story that needed to be told, and I told it. I did what anyone would've done."
"My point is that's not what anyone would've done, Luce. Most people would've gotten the hell out of there. Give yourself a little credit."
Jude saw from the way Lucy pursed her lips that this was an argument they'd had before. "Staying to film was the least I could do," she said firmly. "There are plenty of heroes in that story, and I am not one of them. I'm not the fearless one. The citizens, the protestors, they're the ones who deserve recognition, not some English girl with a camera."
Alex said, "Modest, too," and Lucy made a noise of protest and smacked him in the chest with the back of her hand, which made him laugh.
She rolled her eyes and said, "Anyway, I've got to go. That was Tamara. Apparently there's a crisis."
Jude's eyes widened. "Like… a revolution or something?"
"Oh, no, nothing like that," Lucy laughed. "More like office politics. The only dictators around there are me and my producer, and I like to think I'm the benevolent kind." She checked her watch. "But I can't guarantee the editors won't revolt if I don't get there soon. We're up against a serious deadline. Alex, can I take your car?" She looked at him apologetically. "I don't think I have time to stop at home first."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. "Sure. I can take a taxi."
"I may not be back for a while," Lucy warned as she took the keys from him. "She sounded really upset."
"I can bring you dinner later, if you're still there."
She shook her head. "We'll order in. Thank you, though. And thanks for showing me this place. It's really great." She turned back to Jude and held out a hand, which Jude shook. "Sorry to run like this. It was great meeting you."
"I'll walk you to the car," Alex said to Lucy.
"No, you stay and catch up, love," Lucy said, gesturing to Jude with her head.
"You sure?"
"'Course. I'll see you at home." She reached up and they kissed. Jude looked away as Alex said, "I love you."
"I love you more," came Lucy's reply.
"I love you most."
Lucy giggled, but tried to stifle it, turning back to Jude, blushing. "We're fourteen, sorry."
"You're fine." Jude smiled a little. "It was nice meeting you."
"Definitely!" She smiled at Jude, then squeezed Alex's hand, saying, "See you at home," again before walking away with a little wave to Jude. She pulled out her phone as she got to the door, and a second later Alex's phone buzzed, and he pulled it out, grinning and quickly sending a reply.
"If that text said 'I love you more' I'm going to be sick," Jude joked.
Alex looked sheepish. "I know. We're the worst."
She laughed. "Tommy and I have never been that cheesy."
"As I recall, you're more the type to stare into each other's eyes until we're all drowning in your sexual tension." Jude's smile fell, and she looked down, running a hand through her hair. Alex frowned a little. "Separate projects?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, it's…" she wanted to say "fine," but sighed instead. "A lot has happened."
"No kidding. I've heard, at least about some of it. Are you okay?"
"Of course. I'm doing fine." She smiled, and it only felt a little forced. "What about you? Aside from apparently being fourteen."
He smiled too. "I'm good. Really good, actually. Listen, do you want to go get, I dunno, coffee? I assume you still drink gallons of the stuff?"
She gave a short laugh. "I haven't changed that much. But I don't know if–"
"If you're headed somewhere we could do it another time."
"Oh. No, I was just headed home, but Alex…"
"It isn't like that," he said quickly. "It isn't like anything. Lucy meant it when she said to stay and catch up. We've talked about it, about you. I knew coming here today we'd probably run into you."
"Literally?" Jude said with a little smile.
Alex smiled too. "That part was an accident. But anyway, I thought it would be you and me and Lucy, and probably Tom, but…"
Jude didn't really want to go back to her empty apartment, where she always felt the absence of Tommy and Caroline weighing on her these days, so she nodded. "Yeah, sure. Let's do it."
As they walked into the little place around the corner and sat at a table, Alex asked, "So really. Are you okay?"
"Leading with the heavy questions, are we?" she asked dryly.
"I just mean that I know you've been through a lot this year."
She sighed. "You could say that. I'm… I don't even know. Yes, I'm okay, but okay is relative, I guess? It's been really hard. It's hard all the time. But I make it work."
"And Tom is okay? I heard about the accident…"
She thought of Tommy laying still and pale and bruised in a hospital bed, of him screaming at her, of the horrible things she'd said to him in Cardiff… she took a deep breath, then nodded. "Yeah, he's okay. He's recovered really well."
"…in Toronto." Alex still looked concerned.
She frowned. "He's working at NBR. Look, Alex, I don't really want to talk about it, okay? He's fine. I'm fine."
"Okay." He nodded. "I didn't mean to pry. But I want you to know that I'm sorry. I thought about calling a thousand times. I thought about sending a card when I heard about your daughter… I didn't know whether it would hurt or help you to hear from me. But I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I can't imagine. You're very strong, Jude."
Not as strong as you think. she thought, thinking of the way she'd treated Tommy, of how she'd repeatedly failed to be there for him, of what she'd done with Benjamin. She shook her head. "I don't think there was much of anything that helped, but that doesn't mean it would have hurt. Thanks, though. It does mean a lot that you cared. Care. Now can we please change the subject?"
"Sure, of course. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's fine, I just prefer not to talk about it. Now what the hell happened to Maren?" She finally diverted attention from her own life by asking the question that had been on her mind since Alex introduced Lucy as his girlfriend.
He raised an eyebrow. "Leading with the heavy questions, are we?"
"You started it. But really, the last time I saw you, you and Maren were attached at the hip." More like attached at the lips, she thought.
Alex sighed. "Well, if you're talking about during the trial, more of that than I care to admit was probably for your benefit. But yes, Maren and I were together for about six months. A few months in, I knew for sure I wasn't in love with her. I did love her, you know, and I still do, but just... not like that. But I was too afraid to say that to her. She's my best friend."
"And you didn't want to lose her."
"Well, yes, and I didn't want to hurt her again. Breaking your best friend's heart, and for the second time, no less…"
"It sucks," Jude finished. "Yeah, I know. Been there."
"Right, well, I was pretty sure she wasn't... the one, you know? But it wasn't like it was terrible being with her or anything, and I was so afraid of hurting her and ruining our friendship that I didn't say anything for months. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't necessarily good either, I guess. Finally one day I asked Maren where she thought our relationship was headed, and she admitted that she'd been feeling the same things I had, and we eventually decided that we'd just be friends. I think by then the romance had dwindled to the point where that's practically what we were anyway, but it was still a really difficult, weird transition. We'd be together and we'd kiss without thinking about it, and then we'd both start doubting what our feelings really were again... there's just really no good way to break up with someone without drastically dialing back the amount of time you spend with them, I think. It was a mess for about another month until she took a teaching job at her old school. When she wasn't living in London for the whole year it made it easier to put up and emphasize the lines between friendship and relationship. She's dating a colleague of hers, a maths teacher, and she seems happy. She's my friend, but nothing more. I think it still disappoints my mum, but we're much better off this way." He smiled.
"Alright. So… Lucy, then. Tell me about her."
Alex failed to keep a big grin from spreading across his face. "What would you like to know?"
"How did you meet? She said it was a good story."
"It is, actually, yeah. So there's a mate of mine from work called Raj who had just gotten engaged when Maren and I split, which wouldn't have been a problem except that Raj and Jen are the kind of couple who are so happy that they feel guilty when anyone around them is single, and they work very very hard to correct the perceived injustice." Jude laughed and Alex smiled. "So I guess when he felt that an appropriate mourning time had passed, he started pestering me to let them set me up. Finally I agreed to a blind date with someone who worked with Jen, who Raj had been insisting for weeks was my perfect woman."
Jude smiled. "Lucy?"
Alex's grin widened. "Diana." Jude looked incredulous and he laughed. "The woman they set me up with was named Diana. And it was the worst date I had ever been on. She was perfectly nice. Intelligent, attractive… and completely boring. Of course, she would say the same about me. It wasn't even that we had nothing in common as much as we were just too much alike. Either way, we just didn't click."
"I don't get it. What does this have to do with anything?"
"I'm getting to it!" Alex insisted with another laugh. "Always so impatient!"
"Sorry, sorry, go on."
"So I took her home, said goodnight, et cetera, with the sort of understanding that neither of us had any desire to go on a second date. But the next morning I found her scarf in my car, so I rang her, and she said she was going to be gone for the weekend, but that if I could just bring it to her place, her flatmate would be there to let me in."
Jude let out a little gasp. "And you went and Lucy answered the door?"
Alex grinned. "Yes she did. She invited me in, I stammered my way through the whole conversation, made an arse of myself, you know. She told me about her documentary, invited me to a showing, and I guess the rest is history."
"That's actually super adorable. I'm really happy for you, Alex."
"It's… good, you know? With Lucy. It's better. With Maren, it was always a little bit obligation, after a point, and with us…" he gestured between Jude and himself, "I don't know. I tried very hard all the time, because I think I knew it wasn't working, and I knew we weren't right, but I was so convinced you were everything I wanted… We ended up with a relationship where I was always feeling frustrated and scared that I was losing you, and you constantly felt guilty."
He was right, Jude realized. That had been a big thing that had characterized her relationship with Alex, even from the very beginning. Guilt.
Alex saw the sad look on her face. "Hey. It worked out, Jude. With Lucy, even when it's not easy, it's still... right." He brightened and joked, "And as a bonus, my parents hate her, so no feelings of obligation."
"Seriously? Her too?"
Alex nodded. "They've come around a bit, but, besides not being Maren, Lucy's... a little outspoken. She doesn't exactly agree with my parents' views, and she was not at all shy about letting them know that." He grimaced. "She called my father a fascist during Easter dinner." Jude snorted, and Alex shook his head. "It was not the most pleasant holiday I've had. And she's also French, raised in London but born in Marseille, so that doesn't help."
"You can't just settle down with a nice English girl, can you Alex?" Jude joked.
"Unfortunately it would appear I cannot." He smiled. "So my family is stuck with her."
"You live together?" Jude remembered Lucy saying "I'll see you at home".
He nodded. "She moved in a few weeks ago."
"I'm really happy for you," she said again.
"Thank you. I'm very happy."
"And apparently fourteen years old," she teased.
"What can I say?" he shrugged and grinned.
Jude rolled her eyes. "Gross."
"So where are you living these days?"
"Uh… same place."
"Same place?" Alex looked surprised. "As when I lived there?"
Jude nodded. "We were talking about getting a house, before…" she shook her head. "But yeah, same place."
He looked sad. "I'm so sorry."
"Why? It's a nice apartment," she joked feebly.
"No, I meant about–" he realized she knew what he meant. "Ah, right. No, I was just surprised. I thought the whole stalker thing would have been enough to get you to move out, even if us splitting up wasn't."
"Yeah, we meant to. I guess things just got kind of crazy, and it never happened."
"So is my blood stain still on the floor, then?" Alex joked.
Jude made a face. "Don't be gross. We replaced the carpet."
He smiled. "So what about your family? How's Sadie these days?"
They talked for another hour or so before the conversation petered out and they both went home. It was nice, to catch up. It was good to talk to someone who, not only knew her before Caroline died, but hadn't even known her as a mother. And under the drama of their relationship, she had always genuinely liked Alex as a person. With his romantic feelings for her well and truly gone, Jude really liked talking to him. The whole time, though, she kept thinking about his look of surprise when she told him she hadn't ever moved out of the apartment where so much had happened to her.
.
The idea nagged at her for the next couple of days. On the six month anniversary of Caroline's death, she called Tommy for the first time since the first week he'd been back in Toronto. His voice was soft and sad when he answered. "Hey. I wondered if you'd call today."
"Yeah," she sighed. "Are you okay?"
"I'm… Have you talked to Jamie at all?"
"Uh… yeah, a little. But he doesn't really talk about you. Why, is there something I should know?"
"I guess he doesn't talk about you either. And no, no, I just wondered." He decided not to tell her about the other day, if she didn't already know. He answered her question instead. "I'm fine, I guess? What is okay? I don't know if I know anymore."
"I get that."
"And you? Are you okay?"
"I guess same as you." She sighed again and sat down on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Okay is relative."
They were quiet for a minute until he said, "So, six months."
"Six months," she repeated. There was an ache in her throat that she knew meant tears weren't too far behind. "How could things have changed so much in just six months?"
"I know." His chest ached, and the now-familiar need flared in him to turn back the clock, to go back to a time when they were happy. He sighed. "I'm so sorry, Jude."
"I'm sorry too." They were silent again until she said, "That's, uh, actually not why I called, though."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, um… I think I'm going to move."
There was a beat of silence. "Uh. Wow, okay. Move where?" Does she mean to Toronto? he wondered.
"Oh, not like, move move. I'm staying in London, just moving to a different apartment. I asked Nicola to help me find a place." She paused, unsure of how honest to be, but finally she admitted, "When I'm here, I just… I feel Caroline, and you, and the fact that neither of you are here anymore. All the time, like some kind of phantom limb. I can't sleep in our empty bed anymore." She practically whispered the last part, then cleared her throat. "But even if that weren't true, there are a lot of reasons. For one thing, Alex and I were almost killed in the hallway."
Tommy sighed. "You have a point. I guess we probably should have moved a long time ago. So you're, what? Letting the lease expire?"
"Eventually. But that's why I called you. It's your place too. You still have stuff here that I didn't send you, and I… I don't think I can go through Caroline's stuff on my own. It's hard enough to even go in the nursery, you know? Packing things up… I'm not ready to do that. Not by myself. But I need to get out of here."
"Okay. So you're asking me to come to London and help you move?"
"I guess, yeah. At some point. I mean, I can afford rent on two places, so if you can't come right away…"
"I probably can't. I'm on kind of a tight schedule here. This album is set to be finished in early November. I could come then and I'd be able to stay for a while."
"November?"
"Yeah, sorry," Tommy apologized. "I know that's a long time. I could talk to Jamie and Zeppelin about it."
"No, it's fine, I was just thinking. Caroline's birthday."
"Oh. Yeah."
"Maybe it would be good to be together on her birthday anyway. We could start to go through the stuff in the apartment and we could visit the cemetery or something. Even though we're not together, we're still…"
"We're still her parents. Yeah. That sounds like a good idea." There was another long moment of silence before Tommy said, "I guess no matter what else happens, there's always going to be her connecting us."
It was the closest he could come to telling Jude he would never stop loving her.
A/N: I seriously considered cutting this scene with Alex, along with the early chapter he was in, since it's really a diversion from the rest of the plot. I probably should've cut it, but I didn't because I am weak (by far my biggest editing weakness is that I'm terrible at cutting things, even if they're unnecessary to the story.) I also decided that I wanted to be able to wrap up Alex's storyline to some extent. Even if this story hasn't been about him, the first two definitely were. I always liked Alex as a character. He deserves to be happy. Also, (#funfacts) a significant portion of this conversation between Jude and Alex is lifted almost directly from my unfinished epilogue for Lost and Found. Even the few bits of fanfic I write and don't publish usually end up getting taken apart and reused at some point.
