50.1 Kathryn

"No." Sten said.

"Why not?" Wynne said.

"I am not wearing that… thing." Sten said.

"But it will keep you warm." Wynne said.

"Capes do strike fear into the hearts of your enemies." Zevran said. "All the great heroes wear them. I can see it now you charging into battle, with a bloodthirsty battle yell, sword held high, yarn flowing behind you, very dramatic."

"I cannot fight in that." Sten said.

"Perhaps your enemies will simply cower in fear of the fuzzy softness." Zevran said.

"You aren't helping the situation." Wynne said to Zevran.

"My dear Wynne, that entirely depends on what you think I am trying to accomplish." Zevran said.

"Oh, come on, Sten." Leliana said as she felt the mound of knitting. "It is warm and soft, cuddly even."

"I am not… cuddly." Sten said.

"If you wear that you will be the very picture of cuddliness. You should count yourself lucky it does not have kittens or rainbows on it… or fringe." Zevran said and shuddered.

Sten growled.

"What's going on?" Kathryn said as her and Alistair walked up.

"Sten refuses to wear the cloak I knitted for him." Wynne said exasperated.

"Although, 'cloak' might be overstating it." Zevran said. "It is more a large shawl like the ones old women like to wear. Really, Sten it is perfect for you. It will go wonderfully with your white hair."

Sten growled louder.

"Nothing says 'fierce warrior' quite like yarn." Alistair said as he looked at the 'cloak.' "Maybe Wynne can knit you some mittens to go with it."

"Or a hat." Kathryn said.

"No, a muff most assuredly." Zevran said.

"Or a set of those cute little booties with pom-poms on them." Leliana said.

"The least you can do is try it on." Wynne said.

"No." Sten said.

"After all the trouble she went to make it, you can try it on." Kathryn said.

"No." Sten said but less sure.

"Come on, Sten." Leliana said.

Sten growled but took the 'cloak' and put it on.

"It's adorable!" Leliana said.

Sten growled again.

"You know, it takes a real man to be able to pull off knit." Zevran said.

Sten growled even louder.

"Here, take it off." Alistair said. "Chestpiece too." Sten removed the 'cloak' and then looked at Alistair curiously. "Sten, if you don't do this my way, Kathryn will order you to wear it."

"That's true, I will." Kathryn said, playing along. "I can't have you catching cold or the sniffles."

"Vicious those sniffles." Zevran said in mock horror.

Sten growled again but took off his chestpiece. Alistair put the 'cloak' around Sten wrapping it around him. Then he adjusted the chestpiece and helped Sten put it back on.

Sten stood a moment and then said "This is acceptable."

"Now my dear Wynne," Zevran said. "May I talk to you about a scarf or perhaps a hood, something to pull low over my eyes and look out from under. They are very sexy."

"You don't want one because it would allow you to leer without being noticed, do you?" Wynne said.

"A side benefit only, I assure you." Zevran said.

50.2 Kathryn and Alistair

Kathryn was sitting on the bedroll looking over the letters she had gotten in Denerim.

"Anything interesting?" Alistair asked.

"Not really, to be honest. Most of it stuff we already know or is no longer relevant. The most recent were simply asking for news." She said. "But now we have the addresses so we can send them word, let them know what is going on and that they can contact us through the Arl."

She put the one she was looking at in a pile and then picked up another. "There are also a couple from Duncan." She said.

"Duncan?" Alistair said. "Why would he send letters to the compound?"

"To be forwarded. They are mainly last minute reports for the other Warden Commanders." She said. "One is instructions and information in case something happened to him."

"Oh." He said turning away.

"I think you should read it." She said.

He shook his head. "Kathryn, I don't…"

"Yes, you do. You don't need to read the whole letter, but the last part you should read." She said as she handed him the last page of the letter.

Alistair started reading at the first full paragraph.

'I also wish to make mention of a junior member of the Ferelden order. I have neglected to include a full assessment in his recruitment records, so I wish to say something of him here, for I feel it is important. His name is Alistair, a templar initiate recruited about six months ago. He is by far the best recruit I've found in all my time in Ferelden.

'He is a man of exceptional character and worth, clever, brave and loyal. A talented warrior with good battlefield instincts and a natural leader. While he has strong morals he also is pragmatic and able to do what is needed. He is the only one of all the current Grey Wardens that I can say without reservation would be a excellent Warden Commander, if he is not needed to fill a more important role. However he is not ready to assume such responsibilities at the time of this letter. He is still quite young, and needs time to mature and learn discretion. He is also in great need of leadership experience and confidence in his own abilities and very good judgment.

'Lastly, I believe that the recruit Kathryn is also of this exceptional quality. From what I have seen of her, she is cunning, courageous and fierce. If she survives the joining, it is my plan to pair her and Alistair together to work as a team. It is an unconventional pairing given she is a rogue and him a warrior but I believe it will produce remarkable results.

'If I can give one piece of advice to whomever continues the fight against the blight in my stead, it would be to keep these two close to you and at the forefront of the battles ahead. They may hold the future and even the very survival of Ferelden in their hands.'

Alistair read the passage several times and then folded the letter and held it out to Kathryn. She looked at the letter. "Why don't you keep it." She said. He nodded and carefully placed the letter in his pack.

50.3 Alistair

Alistair woke, it was still dark and the moon high, but he had second watch. Kathryn was sleeping. He hoped to get up without waking her. It was hard enough to leave her, but worse if she was awake. He slipped from her arms. She rolled over and stretched and then reached across as though searching for something. Then he realized she was reaching for him. "Alistair?" She said.

He leaned over her, brushing her cheek with his hand. "Shh… I have watch. Go back to sleep." He kissed her forehead as she drifted off.

Alistair got dressed and stepped out of the tent after taking a last look at her. He nodded to Sten who retired to his tent. Morrigan who had already relieved Leliana, was getting some potion supplies. Alistair looked around, it was quiet and peaceful. He got a cup of tea and then took out his drawing paper and pencils.

Morrigan got her supplies and started back to her tent but then stopped. "'Twould seem you have a rival for the heart of the Warden."

"A rival?" Alistair said. "You mean Jowan? No, I don't think so."

"He looks at her with intent and longing." Morrigan said.

"No, I didn't mean that he doesn't like her, he does, I knew that already. But he isn't a rival or anything. There is no way she would ever... not for him." Alistair said.

"Truly, 'twould seem to be little doubt that Roland thought much the same about you." Morrigan said.

Alistair looked at her and started to say something and then stopped. He considered. "That… this… they aren't… the same thing." He said but less than confident.

"No, and what would the difference in the two situations be? For it escapes me." She said.

"We are together… have been now… I mean, we have gone through a lot to be together… we are happy and she wouldn't…" Alistair looked down. "He… just arrived… he just has a crush on her… it's harmless… she is just being nice to him… she's just trying to help him and… be friends with…" Alistair said looking thoughtful and concerned.

"I thought you were going to tell me the differences in the two situations." Morrigan said smug.

"She loves me." Alistair said sure.

"Did she not love Roland at one time? Or at least he thought she did, did he not? Perhaps she was mistaken or she simply changed her mind." Morrigan said. Alistair looked away. "But then again, 'tis not like she has ever taken a weak-willed and insecure fool under her wing and tried to make a man out of him, then left her current relationship for them." She said. "No, you're right she would never do anything like that."

"Shut up." Alistair said.

"Touchy are we? I was simply pointing out that the situations were quite similar, and that her actions do seem to show a pattern of behavior. She is drawn to those sad, pitiful, pathetic puppy-types, that have little bark and no bite and are content to follow her around, but the problem with puppies is that while they are cute they have little else to offer and so one quickly grows tired of them and moves on to the next." She asked.

"Go crawl back under your rock." Alistair said.

"Yes, I thought you would say as much." She said as she turned and walked away.

Alistair waited till Morrigan was out of his sight and then tossed his drawing materials aside. He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. He got up and went to the cart and took the bottle of brandy from its hiding place. He opened it and took a drink. He started to put it back and then took another drink, and then one more.

50.3 Kathryn and Alistair

Kathryn stepped out of the tent. She was usually the last one up. She had never been an early riser and still couldn't manage it. Everyone else was packing. She noticed that Jowan was making breakfast. Wynne walked over to Kathryn.

"You might want to check on Alistair." Wynne said.

"Why? Is he all right? Where is he?" Kathryn asked realizing that he wasn't anywhere in sight.

"He went down to the stream but he didn't look good." Wynne said.

"I'll check on him, thank you." Kathryn said and made her way to the stream by camp.

Alistair splashed his face with the cold water several times, and then wiped his face. He had finally put the bottle back but not before over a quarter of it was gone. It was the strong stuff too. Too strong for him to have drunk that much, that fast.

"Alistair?" He looked up as Kathryn appeared. She looked at him concerned. He looked horrible. "Are you all right?" She asked.

"Yes, I'm fine." He said.

She walked up to him as her expression changed from concern to confusion. "Why are you drinking on watch?"

"I just had a couple to stay warm." He said.

"You had more than a couple." She said. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I... I just wasn't paying attention. Teagan gave me some of the good stuff. I shouldn't drink it straight from the bottle." He smiled weakly.

Kathryn looked thoughtful. She wasn't quite buying that but had no reason to question him. "Well, if you're all right, we need to get a move on. Camp is mostly packed and Jowan is making breakfast. Hopefully we all won't need healing afterwards." She said.

"He likes you." Alistair said.

Kathryn smiled one of her best smiles, to Alistair it felt it like a dagger to his chest. "I know. He has a crush on me. It's to be expected. I saved his life and have been nice to him. It's just one of those harmless boyish crushes. You can't fault him for falling for me, you did right?" She said with a smile. When he didn't smile back, her expression changed. "You aren't worried are you?" She asked.

"Should I be?" He asked.

"Of course not. I want to encourage him and help him put the pieces back together, give him some confidence, build him up a bit. You know, be a friend to him. After all he has been through, he needs one, but that's all it is. I love you, remember." She said.

"Is that what you told Roland?" He said.

"What?" She said.

"Is that what you told Roland, about me, I mean?" He said. "Did you tell him I was just a friend, that I needed one after what I'd been through, that you were just encouraging me, helping me put the pieces back together after Ostagar, trying to build me up and give me some confidence. Did you tell him not to worry and that… you loved him?"

Kathryn looked at him, eyes cold and without expression. "No, that isn't what I told Roland about you, and although it is none of your business, since you asked, I never told him I loved him either." She said.

"But he thought you did, he thought you loved him, didn't he?" He said. "Maybe you even thought you did, then you found you didn't or maybe you did love him once and then changed your mind."

Kathryn looked at him confused. "Alistair, what…" She considered. "Do you think I am lying to you? About Jowan? Why would I do that? If I wanted him why wouldn't I just tell you?"

"Because you might think that it would be better not to tell me. You do that, lie when you think it's necessary, you said so yourself." He said. "I mean, would you have told Roland what you did if you would have known he would leave? I… I don't know that you would have. I have to wonder if you would want to risk my reaction given all that is riding on us."

Alistair turned away and started to pace back and forth. "I mean it is possible that you don't love me anymore… maybe you never did. But even if that's true, you might stay with me anyway because of the blight, because we fight together or because… well, you're a noble, you know how politics work. Maybe you figured I'd be the heir." He said as he turned back to her. "Maybe you thought if I did become king and if we… if we were together… then you would be queen… and…"

Alistair felt the sting on his cheek, as his head snapped to the side. After a moment, he turned back to her. There was fire in her eyes, but like ice, like the burn you get from the bitter cold. "If you ever imply that I'm some kind of whore again…"

"What? I didn't…" He said taken back.

"Yes, you did!" She said. He had never seen her this angry. "You said that the reason I was with you was not that I loved you but because you had a chance to be king, that I was sleeping with you in a bid to gain power."

"To lie with another for money or influence or anything is the very definition of a whore!" She said as her voice rose in volume and intensity. "I will not take that from anyone and that includes you. If you ever say anything like that to me again, you will not have to worry about what I do or don't tell you for I will never speak to you again, blight or no!"

"I… I'm sorry. I didn't…" Alistair said ashamed.

"What is wrong with you?" She said furious.

"I… I don't know." He said and turned away.

"Well, you better figure it out and fast." She said. "We are not leaving until I get some sort of an explanation. You do not get to say something like that to me and not tell me why."

He sighed. "It was something Morrigan said." He admitted.

"Since when did you start listening to anything Morrigan said?" She asked.

"Since she said something that made sense." He said. "She said that the situation with Jowan was similar to me and Roland and…" Alistair took a deep breath. "I… it just never occurred to me that I could lose you, at least not like that. That someone could take you away from me or that one day you might just not care about me anymore. But if that happened with Roland… I know it wouldn't be Jowan but someone, someone else, someone who can be with you and give you all I can't."

"If I'm king, I… I can't go with you anymore and I can't expect you to be able or willing to follow me. I'll lose you, if not to someone else, to time or distance. How long can we try, being in two places all the time? To lose you as you drift away from me, to lose you at all, I… I'm not sure I could stand it." He said.

"Before I probably wouldn't have seen it, not wanted to, maybe not even been able to. I would have probably tried to protect myself, maybe waited till the landsmeet, hoping that somehow, something would happen to solve everything and then when it didn't… I'd probably blame it on something stupid like needing an heir saying I had a duty as king, and that's true but that wouldn't have been the real reason." He said. "But now I have to think about what I'm doing, what I'm trying to do, what I need to do, what I have to do." He said.

"What are you talking about?" She asked confused.

"I have to think about what would happen if I lost you, to the blight or time or duties or to someone else." He said.

"You could lose me at any time, I suppose, but that's always been true." She said.

"Yes, but before, it didn't matter what happened to me." He said.

"What?" She said.

"When Duncan and the other Grey Wardens died, I fell apart. When I lose you, it will be so much worse." He said.

"You don't know you'll lose me." She said.

"Don't I? I've lost everyone I ever cared about or whoever cared for me. They all left or were taken away and if I lost you, it would be the worst of all. Before if I fell apart or couldn't go on without you, it wouldn't matter, but now it does. I can't fall apart. I have a duty to Ferelden, to lead the country. There is no one else." He said.

"You can't think like that or live your life that way. If you knew you would lose your arm in the final battle, would you cut if off now?" She asked.

"No, but maybe you learn to live without it, maybe you stop relying on it, so that when it is ripped away you can survive it. You can endure it and you can go on. If I lost you, I don't know if I could. If I had to watch you die or even just walk away from me, I don't know if I could survive that and I have to survive it now." He said.

"So you intend what exactly?" She said unsure.

"Right now, I can walk away. I can lose you and it won't destroy me. But if I wait anymore I might not be able to leave you and won't survive losing you." He said.

"Wait… Alistair, are you… ending this with me?" She asked.

Alistair looked at her like his heart would break. "Kathryn, I don't…"

"There you two are!" Zevran said as he appeared. "The camp is packed up. Jowan made something that resembles porridge, although I am unsure… Oh, am I interrupting?"

"No." Kathryn said as she turned and walked away. "At least not anything important."