Chapter 50:
A/N: This is a really short chapter in comparison to others, but I wanted to get something up. Happy new year!
Nick
I hear the soft patter of feet on the kitchen tiles and weigh up my estimations on who it could be, before turning my head to see Carla, guiltily leant up against the kitchen doorframe.
"Morning." I greet, bluntly and she swallows, staring at me intently as if working out what sort of a mood I was in. "How's the head?"
"...I deserve it." She mumbles and I nod, not disagreeing with her. I sigh, closing the newspaper I was pretending to read and going over to her. "Nick I need to talk to you. Please-"
"Have you got any toast?" Bethany interrupts us, rubbing her head as she enters the kitchen and walking through the middle of us. "I am feeling rough."
"Yeah well I'm not surprised." I tell her, as she helps herself to a slice of bread, not bothering to toast it. "How much did you have?"
"Oh I don't know..." She trails off, trying to remember. "It's all a mix of vodka, wine and champagne... Ugh."
"Well that's a lethal combination." I turn to look at Carla, who I can tell is feeling considerably bad about the circumstances.
"Bethany... I am so, so sorry." She apologises and Bethany just shrugs.
"Not your fault, it's me who suggested town." She points out.
"And who suggested the casino?" I raise my eyebrows and Carla shifts her feet uncomfortably.
"Oh come on, it's hardly the crime of the century." Bethany groans. "I'm eighteen, I'm legal, I wanted to go! Carla didn't even let me spend any of my money. How much did we win again?"
"I don't know, almost a grand." Carla mutters.
"And how much did you spend?" I persist.
"Couple of hundred." Carla mumbles, staring down at the floor like she was the naughty teenager. "...It could have been a lot worse."
"Yeah don't remind me." I sigh, leaning back against the table and studying them both in turn. "Why, Carla? Why not just come home and talk to me?"
"Actually that's my fault." Bethany raises her hand awkwardly. "I came after her and said we should go into town, she was actually going to look for you."
"You're not to blame for this!" Carla objects. "This is my fault, I shouldn't have been so irresponsible..."
"No you shouldn't have." I reply as she scuffs her feet on the kitchen tiles.
"So... What?" A small smile appears on her face, still avoiding my gaze. "Are you going to give me a detention?"
"You can't always just be forgiven." I tell her, even though we both knew I'd cave eventually. "You've got a lot of making up to do."
"Ooh, have I?" Carla's eyes light up slightly and I force myself not to smile, turning to look at Bethany.
"And as for you." I watch as she finishes the piece of bread she is chewing. "Coffee, water, toast, then back home."
"Are you going to tell mum where I was?" She frets.
"What? And put our lives in danger?" I manage a joke. "I don't think so."
"You two are the best." Bethany grins, helping herself to a glass of water and I roll my eyes, smiling at her comment.
Carla
"Nick... We need to talk." I sit down in the armchair, staring at him intently as he sits up, clicking the telly off and looking at me expectantly. "I need to stop, don't I?"
"Yes." He agrees with me. "But you won't."
"I can, if I try." I tell him, standing up and hovering over him, so he knows my intention is to sit in his lap. He sighs, holding his arms out and pulling me onto him, kissing the side of my head.
"You know I didn't mean what I said last night?" He runs his fingers through my hair.
"Wouldn't blame you if you did." I mumble, daring myself to look at him. "I know, Nick. Doesn't stop myself from thinking it though."
"Are you alright?" His face softens. "About today I mean?"
"It's just a day." I shrug, thinking back to four years ago. "What difference does it make, really?"
"Do you want to go and see Alfie today?" He asks, playing with the locket around my neck that he had given to me for my birthday. "You can give him a cuddle."
"Mm." I nod, watching him and thinking how lucky I was. "...That stuff I was saying to Peter, I didn't mean for it to upset you. I just... I don't know I guess seeing them with a healthy baby, it just upsets me, why couldn't it be like that for us?"
"It will." Nick strokes my cheek gently. "Wait and see."
Nick
"I see this place more than my own home nowadays." I mutter, as I walk along the corridors of the hospital, hand in hand with Carla. "Hey, do you reckon we can get some kind of voucher for the parking? You know like those ones they do on the back of cereal boxes, twenty percent off, that kind of thing?" She turns, raising her eyebrows at me and trying not to look amused.
"Oh, cereal." She suddenly points at me. "You need more cereal. Remember that for on the way back."
"The one with the berries?" My eyes light up and she leans back against the wall, studying me.
"Cute." She narrows her eyes. "Are you going to remember? Because I don't want world war three at breakfast tomorrow morning, Tilsley."
"Yeah I'd put it in your phone." I suggest and she whips it out, typing out a quick reminder before a nurse coughs, tapping the mobile phone sign on the wall. "Carla, honestly."
"Oi!" She grins, slapping me lightly on the arm. "That was your suggestion, idiot."
"Getting yourself into the dog house with more people now." I tease her, pressing the sanitising dispenser on the wall.
"I'm not still in the doghouse am I?" She smiles, moving forwards to kiss me playfully to win me round, before noticing the few stares we were getting from people around us. "Oh honestly, it's not that interesting. You people clearly haven't watched Fifty Shades of-"
"Carla, come on." I grab her hand, pulling her down the corridor, rolling my eyes at her as we reach the door to the NICU. "After you." I tap her bum lightly and she giggles, which warms my heart because it was so relaxing to hear that same lighthearted laugh that I missed recently.
But that doesn't last long.
Carla
My heart drops in my chest as I stare into the empty cot, my eyes darting around the room, unable to speak for a moment. I feel Nick's grip on my arm before he leaves my side, practically running over to a nurse in the corner of the room. My breathing increases, panic sets in.
"Nick where is he?" I shout, which causes me to receive a disapproving look from a nearby mum. The nurse approaches us, I can see how worried Nick looks as he turns to face me and it does very little to set my mind at ease. "Where's my son?"
"Ok, calm down." The nurse tells us and my eyes widen. "This is an intensive care unit."
"I'm aware of that." I snap, as Nick's arms join around my waist.
"Your son is fine." She reassures us and I exhale, releasing all the building anxiety at the word. "In fact, it's good news."
"What is?" Nick sounds a lot calmer, which allows me to return to my regular breathing rate.
"Alfie has been moved out of intensive care." She tells us and I freeze as soon as she says it. "He's now in the special care unit."
"Well what does that mean?" I stress, even though I knew from her expression it was a step in the right direction.
"It means he's progressed really well." She informs us and my hand flies over Nick's squeezing it supportively. "He doesn't need the support of intensive care anymore. In a few days, you should be able to take him home."
"Wha..." I splutter, in complete shock at her words and I turn to look at Nick, who is trying not to cry. "Really?"
"You'll need an appointment with the consultant first, to talk over your plans, because Alfie will need additional hospital visits just to check everything is as it should be." She explains. "We're just going to monitor him for twenty four hours, to ensure his respiratory system is fully developed and then we've got some immunisations to complete. But within the next few days, he should be set for home. I hope you've got everything ready."
"You're being serious..." I whisper, trying to process the information before turning around to face Nick and throwing my arms around his neck, my face breaking in to a smile as I cry with happiness into his shoulder. "Thank you. Thank you."
"Follow me, I'll take you to him." She smiles, and Nick takes my hand, leading me along the corridors until we reach a brightly coloured room. There were no scary machines, no beeping noises that set me on edge. Instead there was a large rainbow on the back wall, casting an array of colours around the room. I remembered it. I remembered it from this time four years ago and I immediately burst into tears.
"Hey, whats the matter?" Nick places his hands on my shoulders. "This is good. Look, rainbows and sunshine. Kittens and candy floss."
"No it's all the same, it's all the same." Tears pour down my cheeks and he looks so confused, trying to comfort me as I attract the attention of nearby parents. "The crying, the colours, when I walked past with Rob."
"Oh sweetheart." Nick finally realises, brushing the tears off my cheeks, ignoring the stares from other people. He didn't care, as long as I was alright, it didn't matter how many people stared at him. I check the clock on the wall, covering my face with my hand.
"I need to get over this." I try to swallow back tears, feeling stupid. Why was I so fragile all the time? I had been strong for so long and then I had given birth and I was suddenly so weak. No, I lost Lauren. No, I lost my first baby girl.
"Why don't you step outside for a moment?" The nurse scans the room and I nod, practically pulling Nick outside. How could I go back into there now? I walk into a room and already make a show of myself.
"Stop beating yourself up." Nick whispers, sliding the hair behind my ear so he can study my face. "It's ok."
"No, I'm so embarrassed." I shake my head and she sighs, placing a prolonged kiss on my forehead.
"I'm pretty sure they have women crying in there all the time." He tries to reassure me.
"Not for the same reason though." I mumble, staring down at the floor. "Ugh, why am I such a mess?"
"It's good to get emotions out." He smiles and I drag my hand across my face. "I'm glad you've learnt that."
"Yeah it's your fault." I poke him in the arm, managing a small smile. "Because you're so soft on me."
"Can't help myself, sorry." He replies and I let out a slight hum as I look into his eyes. "Look how far you've come. Your son is in there, waiting for his mum. Hey, he's coming home in a few days. This is happening Carla, we can do all of those things you envied other people for, except better. We can go for breakfast at Roy's as a family, and have silly play-fights over who's changing his nappy, and you can sing him songs as he falls to sleep-"
"Oh God help him." I laugh slightly and he murmurs contently. "Ok... Ok this is what we've waited for, for years. I can do this, we can do this. Can't we?"
"Too late to go back now." He whispers and I try to clean my face up, shaking off the bad memories in order to make new ones. "Ok?"
"Yeah." I nod confidently, following him in and reaching for his hand. The nurse greets us again, and I look shiftily at the people in the room. But surprisingly, nobody looked annoyed, or even the slightest bit confused at my outburst.
"Hi, baby." I'm shaking as I reach the cot, glancing at the nurse before reaching in and picking him up, supporting him against my chest. "Oh..." I close my eyes, placing a kiss on his forehead, breathing in his scent. "You're ok. You did it. I'm so proud of you."
"I'm so proud of you." Nick smoothes his fingers through my hair and I look up at him, placing my head into his chest as he wraps his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder as he stares down at him lovingly. "You've made me so happy. Both of you. This is all I've ever wanted."
"Glad you came down to Devon now?" I smile, rocking Alfie gently as his eyelashes flutter open and closed.
"It's what Lauren wanted. She was right." He whispers, careful not to upset me again.
"She gave us this." I swallow, taking in all the intricate details of his face. He was so perfect. "I used to think babies were just screaming, ugly little things. I never knew how wrong I was. He's so perfect."
"Like his mummy." Nick kisses the side of my head, swaying with me gently and stroking a finger along his cheek. "Look, he's even got your cheekbones."
"No he hasn't, shush." I nudge him, laughing at his comment.
"What's this in aid of?" I shift the sunglasses on to the top of my head as Nick arrives back at our table, the summer sun beating down on us.
"Celebrating, aren't we?" He passes me a glass of champagne and I study it before taking a sip. "Cheers."
"Mm, cheers." I clink my glass against his and he laughs softly as I lean back in my chair, looking out across the view in front of us. "This is nice."
"Makes a change from the Bistro, I suppose." Nick shrugs, as I take another sip of my drink.
"I'm gonna make the most of this." I point to my drink. "I'll need to start cutting back again now I'll be breastfeeding permanently."
"Yeah, me too." He contemplates and I raise my eyebrows at him.
"Why?" I frown, amused. "Are you planning on doing that and all?"
"No." He laughs. "But if we're going to have a baby around I shouldn't really be drinking anyway."
"You really are a gem, aren't you?" I peer over my glass at him and he winks at me. "Uh, don't forget we need to go shopping on the way back. Look at us, procrastinating. Ooh, and we need more things now. Nappies... Oh I don't even know where to start with those. Is it pretty self-explanatory?"
"We just need to get the newborn ones." He tells me.
"Well aren't you well informed?" I grin, tickling his leg with my foot under the table. "Ever thought of becoming a midwife?"
"I'm alright as I am, thanks." He laughs lightheartedly.
"Well you'd be good at it." I reply, as he kicks my leg away playfully. "Patient, reassuring, knowledgable. Whole package there... And I don't just mean as a midwife, I mean in general."
"Good looking." He points out.
"Oh and modest too." I narrow my eyes. "I'll give you that one though." I lean forwards, biting my lip. "You are gorgeous."
"And you are in a good mood." He observes, as I push the sunglasses back down over my eyes.
"I think I need to start learning that everything works out in the end." I lower my tone slightly. "But there's struggles in between and I need to stop self-destructing over them, when in the long run, everything pieces itself together."
"Well look at you, you're learning." Nick looks impressed and I sit back again, studying him lovingly. "Fresh start?"
"Fresh start." I nod, holding out my little finger and he links it with his.
Nick
"I'm probably going to snow you under with leaflets." The consultant passes me another to put into the folder I was holding. "But at least you'll have everything you need to know if you do need to check anything."
"So that's it?" Carla checks, resting her head on my shoulder.
"That's it." He nods, looking pleased for us. "Take him home and enjoy your life as a family. I wish you both the best of luck as parents."
"Thank you." I reply, touched by his words as I stand up to shake his hand.
"Don't hesitate to contact us if you have any concerns, but I'm sure you won't need to." He tells me, as Carla thanks him and I take her hand, allowing her to head past me and out into the corridor.
"You alright?" I check and she nods, hesitantly.
"Nervous." She sounds confused as to why. "This is all on us now. He's going to depend on us."
"That's what we've been waiting for." I remind her. "But yeah it is kind of scary."
"A good scary." She adds, as we reach the nursery and she pushes the door open. I notice that Daisy has already got Alfie strapped into the carrier we had provided her with beforehand.
"All set?" She greets us, as I accept the carrier from her.
"That's for you." Carla hands her the present she had suggested buying and Daisy looks touched. "Honestly, we can't thank you enough, I am so, so grateful for everything you've done for him, you and the team."
"You didn't have to, Carla." She sighs, offering her a hug all the same, which Carla accepts. "It's an honour, he's a little fighter that one. He's done absolutely brilliantly and you really are amazing parents, you're going to do a great job."
"Don't you'll set me off again." Carla groans and I laugh, wrapping my spare arm around her shoulders.
"Thank you." I decide to add, which is nothing in comparison to Carla's speech, but I couldn't really follow it.
"Anyway, go on." Daisy fusses, pointing to the door. "You're probably sick of the sight of this place."
"Yeah, how do you manage to work here?" Carla glances around the room.
"Come on then." I follow Carla out and she links her hand with mine, peering around me to look at Alfie. "He's still there, don't worry."
"I know." She smiles, blushing slightly. "It's just the best feeling ever." She kisses my cheek as we walk off towards the car park, hand in hand, with our baby boy.
