here begins a tentative countdown: 3 chapters left. thank you for bearing with the wait. i hope you enjoy as we near the end of this journey.
xoxo,
m.n
Chapter 11: Back to Your Door
Slowly, they fell into routine. Pairs of hands, glances, brushes, seclusion. Patterns, habits, staying up late but waking up early, soba and green tea, coffee and crepes, the new arrival of shampoo in the shower next to the simple soap. Late nights at the office and entire weekends hidden away in the home an hour away.
She wondered what it was. Happiness. Love. Peace. All of the above.
Or none.
They didn't talk about it. They didn't talk about much at all. Conversations fell through into ringing silences that bore down on them like a light pitter-patter of rain, relaxing and unthreatening, never preempting a storm.
As the New Year came around and went, taking with it the festivities of the Christmas season, Mira found herself buried in the solace of her own reasoning. Never had she felt this for someone—this sensation of missing, of longing, and of the ultimate realization that she felt no desire to prove herself to Tyki in the ways she normally would've. There were no conversations over tests, no talks of professors and recommendations and the future—no, Tyki was painfully present and revolved around the minute he lived in. The future was a laughable thought, a possibility that could or couldn't come, but he didn't care if it did.
It went against everything she ever stood for—the handlebars of control, everything in moderation, the cognizance of consequence. She felt a desperate need to keep up with him, to show that no, she could change to, she could live with the freedom that he did. That she wanted to.
But for some reason, it was never enough. She always felt like she was coming up short—that awkward feeling where she would try her hardest but know with just one glance from him that no, she was doing something wrong, but what?
Or could she do anything at all?
Because she could tell—sometimes when Tyki was laughing with her, he would almost unconsciously say Rei's name—Mira could always tell, the way his lips would curl over the R of her name, but he would catch himself before the name could vocalize audibly—his golden eyes would flicker over her, a visual reminder that she wasn't Rei, that she was Mira…but Mira could never tell if that was what he wanted. If he wanted Rei, or if he wanted someone that wasn't her.
This comparison unsettled her. She didn't want the comparison.
It just felt like a race she'd lost before she'd found out she was running at all.
"Okay, that's a wrap," said Cross, finally standing up and stretching out his limbs. "Is this everything, Kanda?"
"Yeah," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I'm done—Anja's getting back from the Bahamas this weekend—we'll see if she wants hers modeled."
Rei glanced at Kanda but he wasn't looking at her. The conclusion that she had been thinking about for the last few days rose to her lips, but like always, she could not find herself voicing it aloud.
"Kanda—"
"Rei!" said a voice from across the room.
Rei turned to the entrance of the room, where Anita was waving next to Cross.
"Anita!" said Rei, breaking into a smile as she gave her a quick hug. "When did you get in London? Why didn't you let me know you were here?"
She saw Anita glance at Cross, who only shrugged and gestured to the lobby.
"I'm going to be looking over the pictures—take your time to catch up," he said lazily.
"Who are you?" said Kanda bluntly, approaching Anita.
"Anita Li," said the psychiatrist with a gentle smile, extending a hand. Kanda ignored it. "I'm Cross's…eh…"
"Girlfriend," said Rei.
"Eh…" Anita raised up her left hand, where a thin silver band gleamed at her index finger. "Fiancée work for you?"
Kanda visibly recoiled, and when Rei turned to him curiously, she could see that his expression was one of pure incredulity.
"Marriage?" he said, clearly winded. "To…him?"
"What's wrong with him?" said Anita innocently.
"Only that he's the world's biggest d—"
"I know Anita from New York," interrupted Rei. "She is—was—my psychiatrist."
Kanda looked disdainful. "What the hell did you need a psychiatrist for?"
"I…it's a long story," she said. "She's a good friend of mine."
Kanda's eyebrows raised. "Really."
Rei knew what he was implying—that her "friends" really weren't worth much in his opinion—but she ignored him. Anita looked interestedly between the two of them, but gave her attention politely to Rei as she spoke.
"We can meet outside?" suggested Rei. "Coffee?"
"If you keep drinking this much coffee—"
"Kanda," said Rei with a hard smile, "why don't you go back to your office and do…whatever work requires your undivided attention?"
Kanda shrugged and left them, clearly uninterested in meeting new people. Anita waited for Kanda to disappear into the hallway before letting out a low whistle.
"I don't quite understand how you managed to survive at school," she said as the two of them exited to the café in the lobby. "All these beautiful people beside you—Yuu Kanda is quite possibly the most beautiful man I've ever seen."
Rei arched her eyebrows. "Shall I tell Cross that?"
"Oh, no," laughed Anita, "I meant that in the least cougar-ish way possible. No, Kanda's a bit young for me, you think? But…" Anita looked at her slyly, "he's perfectly your age, mm?"
"How long have you been in London?" said Rei, steering the conversation from an area she was still unsure of.
"Since around Christmas, so…three weeks."
Rei stared at her. "You didn't tell me?"
"No," said Anita simply.
The conversation died as they sat down with their drinks and Anita made no further movement to speak. Rei felt a wave of apprehension—Anita was not speaking to her for idle chatter.
"I have a few things to talk to you about," said Anita.
Rei only nodded, unsure of what to expect.
"I didn't tell you about my coming because for these last three weeks, I've been Tyki Mikk's psychiatrist."
Rei's response was less violent than she herself would've thought.
"…Sorry?"
"You heard me correctly," said Anita.
"…You didn't meet with me because…you were afraid you'd be interfering?"
"Mm," said Anita, sipping her coffee. "I was called to be his psychologist out of pure luck—I only accepted because I was curious as to what kind of person he was."
"And?" said Rei calmly, swirling the foam in her cup around. "Has your curiosity been satisfied?"
"…No, I don't think so," said Anita. "He's…he's a complicated one."
Rei didn't answer. With Anita's presence had come a frigid kind of numbness in her—it was not like she had not thought constantly about Tyki for the last few weeks she had been in primarily Kanda's company. Rei had gone back to her apartment a few times without Kanda knowing under the pretense of getting something, just to make sure that Tyki's lights were on, that there was activity in his apartment. She ignored the same pairs of shoes that were outside his door, rotating between nude pumps, worn black flats, and the tennis shoes that Mira would always go running in. Never did she see them—just hearing them was enough, and then Rei would leave as quickly as she could. There was no need to outlast her stay.
"Mira's sleeping with him," said Anita abruptly.
"I know," said Rei serenely.
Anita's eyes flickered. "You okay?"
"Mm."
"…She's sorry, but not sorry," said Anita.
"I know," said Rei. "Likewise. I'm sorry but not sorry for being angry. Logically speaking, I have no reason to be—it's not like Tyki and I were dating."
Anita smiled gently. "…And yet, all the same…"
"Mm…where to draw the line? It's like how couples break up before going to college and say that they're going to 'try to meet new people.' They're not dating, but if one hooks up with someone else, there's obviously going to be some ill resentment there. That's how I felt…but I can't say that it was my right to do so."
"Yet…you're sleeping with Kanda, aren't you."
The statement brought a small, wan smile to Rei's lips.
"Yeah," she admitted. "I am."
There were things about Anita that Rei appreciated above anything else, and one of those characteristics was unfailing patience and understanding. As they talked, there was no incrimination, no judgment. Anita spoke with the calm, detached demeanor of a teacher to a student, a doctor to a patient. It provided them an outlet for effectual communication.
"Are you happy?" asked Anita.
"…I want to tell myself I am," said Rei.
"But?"
"…There is a 'but,'" she relented.
"Doesn't feel quite right all the time."
"No, it doesn't."
"Do you know what that means?"
"No, I don't," said Rei, her gaze piercing. "Do you?"
Anita smiled. "That's something you need to ask Tyki, Rei."
"I don't," she said.
"You know you can't keep avoiding him like this."
"I'm thinking about returning to New York," said Rei.
Anita looked surprised. "What?"
"Not immediately," she clarified. "Not…not now. But…I'm not going to stay here for the entire semester. I won't last that long."
"You need to talk to Tyki."
Anita's statement carried a hard, certain conviction. Rei didn't know if she liked the sound of it, but Anita was looking at her—almost glaring at her—with such determination that Rei relented.
"I know."
"Never mind Mira," said Anita. "I've said what I could to her—but I know this, and she does as well, to some extent—she and Tyki won't last."
"Anita," said Rei wearily, "why don't you just tell me all the right things I should say to Tyki since you seem to know so much more about us than I do?"
"I can't do that," chuckled Anita. "Something like this…you have to figure out yourself. There is no right or wrong answer, Rei. The only wrong thing you can do is run away before you settle everything. That was what you came here to do. At the least…you need to finish it."
Since she'd started seeing Tyki, Mira's time in London seemed to fly by with a flurry of activity, rotating primarily between her days in the hospital to her clandestine trips to that apartment. Days would go by where she was too exhausted to go see Tyki, but it always seemed like he didn't care if she was there or not—never did he actively voice for her presence, nor did he go out of his way to see her. They always met in his apartment, stayed in his apartment, never went out anywhere else—Mira did not accompany him to parties, and vaguely she wondered if he woke up next to someone else on those nights, but she never asked, and he never offered the information.
It was much to Mira's surprise when a black Mercedes pulled up in front of the hospital after her shift one night. She wished fleetingly that it would be Tyki but knew she was only kidding herself, yet only when the window rolled down did she realize who the shock of red hair belonged to.
"Get in," said Lavi Bookman.
"Why—"
"You should know that you're being watched," said Lavi, nodding to something behind her. She turned around but saw nothing. "Your visits to Mikk's apartment haven't gone unnoticed. Get in before you cause a commotion."
Wordlessly, Mira climbed into the car and Lavi pulled out onto the roads.
"But if they see us together," said Mira, "we—"
"I was just bluffing," said Lavi. "There was no one there."
Mira glared at him. "What do you want?"
"To talk."
"Truthfully, you're the last person I would want to talk to."
"No, that'd probably be Rei," said Lavi bluntly. "You know, I think the better question is what do you want?"
Mira did not answer. She hated the way Lavi jumped into conversation—no preamble, no false niceties—it was refreshing in certain circumstances, but this situation was not one of them. She wouldn't have minded hours of idle chatter, of beating around the bush before he got to his point.
"You want Mikk's recklessness?" he said relentlessly. "His abandonment of his own conscience? Does that make you feel more alive?"
"Pull over," said Mira sharply.
"I'm right this time, aren't I?" said Lavi evenly. "He's the exact opposite of you, and that makes you feel like you're actually experiencing something new—but let's go over what you've done for the last few weeks, why don't we?"
"Pull over."
"You've had sex an x number of times, you've drunk infinity shots of vodka, you've probably tried out a few pills and drugs here and there—what else have you guys done? Doesn't sound too good when I put it that way, Mira Chang? Wouldn't look too good on your résumé either—"
"Pull over!" she snarled.
Much to her surprise, he did, abruptly and dangerously as he crossed three lanes at breakneck speed before his car screeched to a halt. The sudden force of it caused Mira to go swinging forward, her seatbelt cutting into her shoulder until she jolted backward against her seat, her head colliding painfully with the back.
"What the hell—"
"You said to pull over," said Lavi. "You shouldn't say things you don't mean."
"Why the hell are you getting involved?" said Mira angrily. "Let's get this straight and think about it rationally—it's not like Rei and Tyki were dating—and I tried, honestly, not to do anything but—I like Tyki, for once in my life, I like someone, and it wasn't something I could stop. I'm sorry to Rei, but at the same time…where did I cross the boundary?"
"Logically speaking, nowhere," said Lavi calmly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. "You smoke, right? Here."
He handed her a stick of it, which she glared at for a second before taking it. He lit both of theirs before he continued.
"Nothing's wrong with you liking him," he said. "You're right, you technically didn't cross a boundary. It wasn't like you could've helped yourself if you sincerely like him. But at the same time…I didn't come here to play advocate for Rei—funnily enough, I only came to tell you what you're doing wrong, in the event that you would like to stay with Mikk and thus you can effectively rectify yourself."
"Considerate," she scoffed.
"You're doing a lot of things wrong," said Lavi. "You shouldn't let Mikk drag you around with whatever fucked up ideas he has. You think his recklessness is a good change—it's not. What you need to understand is that you can't be afraid of him being unimpressed with you or thinking that you're 'lame.' The worst pairing with Mikk is someone who enables him—truthfully speaking, I would've expected a little more resistance from you."
She noticed him sneak a sidelong glance at her, and because she knew that he was right, she did not respond.
"I wouldn't have planned for it to be this way," he went on, "but it's possible that Rei may end up staying with Kanda."
Mira turned to him raptly.
"With that jackass?" she said, horrified at the thought. "When did that happen?"
"They're sleeping together," said Lavi with a shrug. "I didn't exactly think that was going to happen, but…missing their potential chemistry was probably a bad idea." He sighed and leaned back in his seat, cigarette propped between his fingers as he let out a smoke ring. "I really missed everything this time…"
Mira let him brood in silence for a few minutes as she grappled with the idea of Rei and Kanda. Had that been natural, or had she catalyzed it? She could not help but shudder at the thought of Kanda—she did not like him, no, not at all…
And what Lavi was saying was right—she couldn't keep enabling Tyki, but at the same time, she didn't know how else to approach him. She wanted so badly to be different from Rei, to not be the exact regurgitation of her, but she could not find a way to act otherwise…
"I can't just 'be a good influence' for Tyki," she said evenly, turning Lavi's attention back to her. "I…I don't know if I can just be the same old me around him…I always feel like it's not enough."
"I know," said Lavi simply.
"…Then why—"
"It's because you're not Rei. That's where your crucial difference is. And that's why you and Mikk won't last." He let out another puff. "I don't believe in soulmates—it's a stupid notion with no rational foundation—but Mikk's like that. He looking for a replacement—but you won't work. You're not Rei, and that's all it is. Plain and simple."
She let Anita's advice linger around. A solid weight on her conscience, suspended by the barest strings of reluctance and pulled down by the gravity of the future. The peace with Kanda was slowly evaporating—not between them, no, but it was the intrinsic, internal peace she felt when she was with him, soiled by her nagging conscience. She didn't show it outwardly, but Kanda wasn't as stupid or oblivious as she remembered him to be.
"What's going on?" he said one night as they looked over his final designs together.
"…Mm?" she said halfheartedly, circling a part of the dress she didn't like.
"Don't mark it," he said shortly. "You make everything ugly."
"Here," she said tiredly, giving it back to him, "you do it."
He took it without looking up. "What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Don't be stupid. You've been weird since your friend came to see you."
"You really hate the concept of friends, don't you?"
"For good reason—every single one of yours has stabbed you in the back," he said pithily.
"Mira…I can't blame her—"
"That's a lie. You're getting soft."
"Well, I never was quite an ass like you are," she said. "It's just that…sometimes what Mira did reminds me of…what I did with you a long time ago."
At this, Kanda's eyes flickered to her face, carrying a flash of warning and the understanding that they were now treading into unsteady territory. His gaze disappeared nearly instantly though, which Rei took as a sign of assent for her to continue.
"Sometimes…" She paused, unsure of how to phrase it, "sometimes it's just hard to say. You sort of…reason yourself out of reason. You forget morals, ethics, friendships…just because you feel something…special." The words sounded nearly painful coming out of her mouth. "And so I've just been wondering…did Mira do anything so different from what I did?"
"Yeah," said Kanda. "You didn't fuck me."
"I mean…" she said uncomfortably, "we kissed…and in terms of how far either of us had gotten at that point, it was in the same direction."
Kanda sighed and took off his glasses.
"So what do you want me to say?" he said bluntly. "That it's fine? That you should go and give her a hug just because you think you're the same?"
"No…" She looked down at the desk.
"You're not the same. Lenalee wasn't your friend."
She fixated on the crumpled corner of a sheet of paper. "I'm…I'm just uncertain. Of what's…the right thing to do."
Kanda nearly looked exasperated at this. "And you think I can help you?"
Rei stayed quiet, thinking. She could not stay in London for much longer, merely waiting things out. She needed to get the problems sorted out—Tyki, Kanda, Kate, Lavi, her father—and then she needed to go back to New York, where she was supposed to be normal, supposed to finish her degree, supposed to do what she wanted. But what did she want? She wanted peace, she wanted quiet and inner solace but she couldn't find it, no matter how long she searched…was it just going to remain like this? Suspended in this peace that seemed so temporary with Kanda but it was all the consolation she wanted, and yet…it wasn't enough…her mind always lingered over Tyki no matter how hard she tried to retain it.
"Kanda?" she said quietly.
"…What." His tone made it clear that he could guess what she was about to say and wasn't interested in hearing it.
She plowed mercilessly on.
"I'm going to go talk to Tyki."
Kanda's expression bordered a glare.
"What the hell for?"
"Because…it's about time I cleared things up…and…"
"Fuck," he nearly snapped, leaning back in his seat to survey her with an intensifying glare. "It's always like this—you never make any sense, you're always…"
"Leading you on," she finished for him. "I know."
"…Why do you still care about him?" said Kanda coldly. "After all the shit you two have gone through—I don't understand how you can even think about him. Is it that easy being soft? Is he that appealing? Are you just going to sit there and fix him and get together or whatever shit—"
"No. I'm not going to stay."
"Then what are you doing?" he said angrily. "You're going in circles, you have no end in mind but you're already trying to move things along—at least have a plan, Rei!"
"I'm going to go back to New York."
He took a few seconds to stare at her. "That's your plan? To run again?"
"It's not immediately," she said listlessly. "I…I won't leave until I resolve everything. But…" She held her tongue, thinking carefully of her next few words. "Seeing Tyki was the only reason I came back. I'd never planned to stay. And as…as wonderfully calm I feel around you…it's…"
"So let me clarify a few things," he all but snarled, "you're going to ignore everything we've been doing for the last few weeks, jump out of nowhere and tell me that you actually still are in…love with Mikk but you're not going to stay, you're going to fix him and go back to fucking New York and go do whatever the hell you want and—where is your logic, woman?"
"I'm going back because there's nothing else I can do, Kanda. If things work out…Tyki needs to go to rehab. And I can't stay here, waiting. What can I do here? Model?"
Kanda didn't answer, and Rei bared a wistful smile.
"Kanda, I'm—"
"Stow it," he said, standing up. "I don't need to hear it."
He walked past her towards the exit.
"I'm going for a walk," he said. "When I get back, you better fucking be gone."
"You play guitar?" said Mira after she'd walked into Tyki's apartment and found him strumming his guitar.
"Mm…" he said absentmindedly, strumming it gently. "My agent happens to be getting annoyed with me…they say it's about time I come out with another album."
"You sing?" she said, sitting down on the couch beside him.
"Don't you know anything about me?" he chuckled.
The casual inquiry rattled her more than she let on—she had been wondering the exact same thing. There were things that she could not just learn through studying—and even after spending so much time with Tyki, she still did not have a good grasp on his subtleties, his disposition.
"Truthfully, I hate singing," he said. "I never meant to do it for the general populace—it was supposed to be more personal, something for fun…something more…intimate."
"Who did you used to play for?" said Mira, unable to contain herself.
"…I think we both know the answer to that."
Mira hated the direction she had steered the conversation and did not make a movement to continue it. A silence settled, punctured by the chords of the guitar, slow, undulating, and reminiscent. Upon close inspection, she was surprised to find that Tyki was not drunk or high—no, he seemed entirely sober. Pensive, nostalgic, quiet, but clearheaded.
She was only eternally grateful for the ring of the doorbell that broke through the guitar's vibrating strings, but it didn't seem enough for Tyki to withdraw from his memories.
"Could you get that, Rei?"
The words seemed to fall out of his mouth—the name must have sounded so natural to him that it took him several few seconds to process what he'd just said, but those were crucial seconds, excruciating seconds in which Mira stifled the indignation and pangs of hurt that screamed the moment he'd said it—
"You finally said it, this time," she said with startling evenness.
"I…"
"It's fine. I was just waiting for the time it would actually come out," she said, laughing slightly. "I always knew—the way your mouth would curl when you addressed me—I always knew you were inclined to say 'Rei' first."
The doorbell rang again, a little more insistently this time, but she did not make a movement to answer.
"She's sleeping with Kanda now, you know," said Mira.
The chord stopped halfway, and Mira felt some sort of vindictive satisfaction—not against Rei, but more against Tyki—as he looked at her in abrupt revelation.
"At this rate, I hope she stays with him," said Mira, standing up to leave, "just so you can keep sitting there, wishing and waiting and never being able to communicate because you don't know what to do—God, Tyki Mikk!" She couldn't help it anymore—the attempts to control herself fell through at the sight of Tyki's obvious sentiment. "God, you shouldn't have done anything to me! You shouldn't have done this, letting me—why didn't you just talk to Rei thoroughly? Why didn't you just work it out with her? You could've saved me, you, her, Kanda, you could've saved us all so much—so much pain—but your utter incompetence at this entire issue, your sad and shallow pride—I…"
She was glad—she had not shed a single tear—she'd probably lost some face but had preserved her dignity as much as she could've—Mira breathed in slowly, shallowly, forsaking articulation for impassiveness. The silence meandered through them, creating a chasm—Tyki's frozen fingers over the thin strings—Mira's stiff and unyielding shoulders—the room had gone cold, the snow was starting to fall outside—no tears, Mira, no tears, it wasn't not worth it—
Indifference, pride, she had to keep them—
"It has to be Rei, doesn't it?" said Mira hollowly.
Tyki made no answer.
And then the doorbell rang again, a little feebler this time, and the two of them looked at it, Tyki hesitantly, Mira with renewed resolution. She stepped forward and pulled it open.
It was Rei.
She looked at Mira with a nearly superior neutral expression, one that flickered with clear understanding as she shifted on her heels and adjusted her purse.
"Hey," she said.
"…Hey," Mira said, relieved to see her despite the consequences. "Hey, I…"
"I'm here to talk to Tyki," said Rei. "…I'm guessing he's in."
"Yeah, I'm on my way out—permanently," said Mira breathlessly, reaching over and getting her bag from the sofa. "I—Rei—"
"It's just for a little bit," she said quietly, brushing past her. "No one said you had to leave."
"No, it's fine," said Mira firmly, stepping out of the apartment. "I…I shouldn't have—"
"She didn't do anything she shouldn't have," said Tyki from behind. Mira turned to him, but even as he was talking about her, his eyes were on Rei, cold but wary—
She turned back to Rei, whose expression was unchanged upon seeing Tyki, and shook her head.
"I'll…talk to you later," said Mira. She slipped into her shoes, wanting nothing more than to disappear as quickly as she could before the chance of tears grew exponentially larger—
"…Mira?" she heard Rei say.
"Mm?" She was unable to muster anything more than that.
"…I'm sorry," said Rei softly.
She didn't want to hear it—not from her, she wanted him to say something, just a call back, but she knew better than that because that was what she had known from the start, but still, it wasn't like she could help herself from feeling the growing gnawing sensation—
She didn't say anything, only walked away as quickly as she could, her heels clinking on the ground, solid beats that drew her further away from the relationship she couldn't begin to fathom, but it was fine, it really was—
She couldn't convince herself to stop crying.
"There's no reason for you to be here," said Tyki.
Rei turned her attention from Mira's retreating figure to him.
"Good to see that you're sober," she said. "That doesn't seem to be the norm lately."
"Why would you know?" he said with the barest traces of a sneer. "You haven't been next door for a long time now."
She ignored the jibe.
"I came today to talk," she said, shuffling her purse strap. "No—don't worry about it," she said as she saw Tyki's body unconsciously move aside to invite her in, "we can stay like this…on either sides of the door."
She noticed his eyes narrow.
"I heard you and Kanda are…"
She didn't respond. He seemed to want to garner another reaction from her, but she remained unyielding.
"…That was a surprise," said Tyki. It was difficult to tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
There was a pause. Then…
"Are you two dating then?" he asked, his tone conversational.
She held his gaze levelly. "That's not what I'm here to talk to you about—"
"What are you leaning towards?" he interrupted.
"…Tyki," she said heavily, "I'm going back to New York."
He stared. "What? Already?"
"Not immediately. Only after I…it's going to be soon. I wanted to come talk to you…now, because I need to straighten this out with you—this…my…reality, that…" She stopped, uncertain. She couldn't find the right way to approach and circumvented the route she had planned on taking. "Kanda and I…I'm going to go back because I want…I…Kanda…we…" She grimaced. "He's got better things to do than stay with me."
She thought she caught a spark of…something, she wasn't sure what, in Tyki's eyes—relief or malice?
"I mean…" she continued, "what's the reason he'd want? He has better things to do than stay with someone who can't make the commitment and still goes and makes sure that her stupid ex-boyfriend hasn't killed himself yet."
"I—"
"I can't just…can't just stay with him and feel so half-hearted about it. It…with Kanda…it seems so very stable. I know what he wants…what I want from him…and it's true—if I, if we…stayed together, I'd be…happy. But you…I…keep coming back. Just to check. Just to see…because I'm always worried. Because somewhere, I'm always thinking about…you," she said heavily. "And I think Kanda always knew too. We've both known…it just seemed like it would be easier to avoid thinking about it. You. Us. And…and so, I just wanted to let you know that…that I'm still here…waiting for you to…fix yourself, because I'm worried, but I can't do it for you—"
"So you're going to stay here as long as I'm not okay?" he said with bizarre hope.
"Don't," she said, showing the first traces of anger, "don't you dare think that you can pull a stupid stunt like you did before just so I can care—"
"But what if I wanted you to stay?" he said, and the statement seemed blurted out, unreserved, raw, and so unlike Tyki in its clear childish desire.
Rei's gaze softened. "You need to go to rehab, Tyki. It's not like I can go with you there."
"I'm not going to rehab, Rei, I don't need it," he said.
"Tyki, you do. You do need it."
"No, I…" Tyki looked at her as if he were struggling to hold something uncontainable within him and it was causing him physical pain, and right when Rei was going to inquire about it, he reached out and pulled her into his embrace, dragging her into the apartment, into the warmth and comfort of his surrounding arms—and she was reminded of that time he'd held her just like this, the last time she had seen him for four years, and even now, with his unstable condition, these arms seemed insurmountable, an impenetrable fortress—yet it was different, there was an urgency now, and his arms seemed to crush her, as if he were afraid she would evaporate if he didn't hold onto her tightly enough—
"I tried," she heard him whisper. "It's not the same. Not when it's not you."
She couldn't bring herself to pull away, but she couldn't hold him back—it would've been assenting to staying, to her fixing him but that wasn't what he needed—he needed to realize—
"Why are you leaving again?" His words passed as the gentle movement of his chin on top of her head, the low rumble of his throat. "Is it because you're frightened they'll come after you again? You and Kanda? And that your dad will finish what he aimed to do when Kate—"
It took her a few seconds to comprehending what he was saying, but she broke off the moment it processed, her eyes wide in understanding.
"…When did you…"
He seemed to realize that perhaps he had made a mistake. He tugged her wrist lightly, back towards him, but she shook her head and withdrew, scrutinizing him.
"When did you find out?" she asked.
"…Bookman," he answered. "Right when you and Kanda started your photo shoots."
"So…you've known for weeks. Months. You…before Mira and everything…you've known?"
"Rei."
"Why didn't you tell me?" she said softly.
"…I wanted you to bring it up yourself," he said, resigned. "To tell me what you couldn't four years ago. To…trust—"
"You were testing," she said. "Testing to see if I would trust you again. Just waiting, Tyki—"
"It—"
"Why…if you knew, you could've said something," she said, taking a step back—she was outside the apartment again, that doorstep remained their boundary— "You just waited? To see what? Was testing me that important?"
"If you told me yourself—"
"I told you that I didn't trust you. That I'm frightened of myself and of you when we're together because things always go so wrong—then why didn't you tell me that you knew? Didn't you think that would've repaired things? Helped me? If you knew, Tyki, why did you still overdose? Why did you not understand that the reason I left was because I couldn't stand the fact that my own dad took Kate's life—and that I so wholeheartedly respect that life—only for you to keep casting it away? These things—you couldn't tell me?" Her voice dropped to a weak whisper. "Knowing the truth…the reason why I left…it still didn't change anything for you?"
Tyki only looked at her. And the silence surrounded them, the frigid air blasting with it. Her heart had been thumping on the way up. Now it felt like she didn't have one at all.
"…Tyki?" she said softly.
His eyes conveyed his attention.
"Please go to rehab," she said. Her voice did not shake, but it was due to her quietness—any louder, and she knew it would crack with the dry sorrow that was constricting her throat.
"If you stay," he said quietly.
She shook her head. "No, I can't—"
"Rei—"
"What else do you want from me, Tyki?" she screamed, wounded, finally, her voice had given way and she was unable to hold herself back for any longer. "You're driving me insane! I'm not okay! I'm not okay with you knowing the truth and still doing so much shit—I'm not okay with you sleeping with Mira—I'm not okay with what I've done to Kanda—I'd rather be away from you, Tyki, miserable a hundred percent of the time, than to be next to you and feeling happy only one percent and deranged the rest—just…just—" She breathed in shakily, looking away from him and blinking rapidly. She hadn't meant for it to turn to her. "Just…please go to rehab. Please…please be okay."
Her throat constricted so tightly that it hurt—she swallowed and turned away.
"That's all. If you…happen to see my dad…" She shuddered, and it wasn't from the cold, "let him know I'm looking for him."
"…Rei?" said Tyki. She didn't look at him.
"Go to rehab, okay?" she said with a weak smile. "I'll be around for a little while longer—let me know if you need anything."
But those were false words—she didn't even want to listen to what he had to say next, and she had already turned away and she wondered if he was saying anything but she knew that in moments like these, Tyki never said anything, because they were too lost and didn't know where else they were supposed to go, and then her feet carried her down the stairs and she was out onto the streets—snow was still falling but it had lessened now—the streets were empty except for the occasionally daring car and the sound of her heels hitting the crisp snow.
She didn't know where to go. There was nowhere she could go—it was just her, her heels, the cold, London, the river, memories and the footprints she was leaving behind. She inhaled, glad her face was dry, and wondered if she had resolved anything, and if she had, why did it feel so bad—why did she feel nauseous, empty, yearning for something she was unsure she ever had—and she was supposed to reconcile with Mira, with Kanda, Lavi, Eiji—but always her thoughts turned back to Tyki, an obsession, an omniscient guilt—
She wandered aimlessly, guided by the flickering street lights and the glistening reflection of the pure white surface she would maul with her path. One block, two blocks, three that she crossed to leave behind Tyki but couldn't.
Rei heard the sound of a car approaching, and had she been more attentive, she would've found it strange to hear it accelerating so quickly, but she didn't even look back as it neared her. Only when she heard it screech to a halt, and then the sound of the door slamming did she look back dully. She squinted in the face of the headlights, unsure if she was supposed to keep going, but then…maybe it was Tyki, but she didn't know she wanted to see Tyki, so…
"Kanda?"
"Rei Matsumomo?"
It was a voice that she didn't recognize and she immediately stiffened. She retreated a few steps, her heartbeat accelerating.
"Who is it?
There was no answer, but a dark profile came out from the car, and she knew by instinct that it was someone she didn't want to associate with. Rei reached into her bag for her phone and dialed for the first number she could on her speed dial—she pressed the call and saw it connecting but didn't have time to bring it to her ear because the figure was drawing closer—and then she was utilizing the leg muscle she thought had atrophied and died over the last four years—but she didn't get far—there was someone else in front of her, and she didn't have much time to think after that because someone's arm came slinking around her and a scream curled to her throat but a cloth over her mouth stifled it and the world went black and she hadn't even had a second to process.
His phone rang, again and again, and it was only for the sake of distraction that he picked up to see who it was.
It was Rei.
Immediately, Tyki brought it to his ear—in so many ways, her departure had unsettled him, he did not feel right, he had not had enough of that embrace—
"Rei?"
And he heard, barely, the beginnings of a high pitched noise, a…a scream? His blood ran cold.
"Rei?" he said, more urgently.
There was a rustling sound, and then he heard breaths, which relieved him.
"Rei?" he said again. "Where are—"
"I assume this is Tyki Mikk of the Portuguese royal family," said a voice that Tyki didn't recognize.
He froze.
"I advise you get in contact with Miss Lulubell and Eiji Matsumomo," the stranger said silkily. "You should be familiar enough with these situations to know what to expect—no interference, no danger. You'll hear from us soon."
"What the hell…" muttered Kanda as he waited in his car, staring at his phone. Leila had texted him to ask to meet in the garage, but she was nowhere in sight even after he'd waited for ten minutes. It didn't help that he was already beyond irritated—Rei and her—he didn't even want to think about it.
The passenger door opened, much to his relief, and he turned to her.
"What the hell took you so long—"
Except it wasn't Leila. Kanda stared at the barrel of a gun that was indecorously pointed in his direction—and the holder of it was none other than…
"You," he said, thunderstruck.
"It'd be in your best interest to listen to me, Yuu Kanda," smirked Lulubell.
The backdoor opened and in climbed another familiar face—
"What the hell…"
"My husband," said Lulu. "Rei's father. But you know that already."
"What the hell are you two playing at?" he said angrily.
"Oh, nothing much," she smiled. "We're only after your life, which we're supposed to dispose of in the most unsuspicious way possible—preferably by locking you in here and letting you die of carbon monoxide poisoning."
"Why—"
"Leverrier is still after you," said Rei's father.
"What the hell—that old man?" snapped Kanda. "What the fuck is he so hell-bent about—anything I knew from back when I was a kid doesn't even apply to the yakuza now—I don't even live in Japan anymore!"
"He only left you alone for the last four years by my request…and by extension, Rei's," said Eiji.
Kanda stilled. "What?"
"She really didn't tell anybody," said Lulu.
"Tell anybody what?"
"Why she left," said Lulu.
Kanda snorted despite the fact that death stood two inches away from his nose. "I've only been trying to figure that out for the last month—but why do you two—"
"I killed Kate Schrodlich," intoned Eiji.
Kanda froze. Seizing advantage of Kanda's silence, Eiji continued.
"Four years ago, I collaborated with the yakuza—in order to make sure that they would no longer pursue Rei, I agreed to kill you. That night, I mistook Kate for you and…the one who pulled the trigger to kill Kate was me. The one who shot the car's tire and caused it to hydroplane was one of Leverrier's men. Rei found out and, after promising that she would renounce everything she ever was as my daughter, disappeared. Her main…request, threat…was that I was not to lay a hand on you."
"That's really not applying now, is it?" said Kanda through gritted teeth.
"…Leverrier lost sight of Rei, just as we all had. But when she came back…so did he, with renewed vigor…and now the deal is back and—"
A cell phone ring tone interrupted him midsentence. Lulu looked down at her pocket and shifted her gun to her left hand.
"A moment," she said pleasantly. "Oh, it's Tyki. Hello—"
Her sentence ended immediately—Kanda noticed her face pale and considered knocking the gun out of her hand and turning it on Eiji, but then Lulu spoke again.
"Tyki, calm down—"
The voice on the other end was so loud that even Kanda could hear it.
"Calm down? You want me to fucking calm down? What are you and your fucking husband doing—where is she?"
"I don't know, Tyki," said Lulu, "this isn't something we planned—"
"Who is it?"
"We don't—"
"What's going on?" said Eiji sternly.
Lulu hesitated and covered the receiver.
"It's Tyki," she said quietly, "and…it's Rei. He says she's been kidnapped."
"Tyki, calm—"
"Shut up, Lulu. What the fuck did you do?"
"This isn't something—"
"Why are you with Kanda?"
"We—"
"They want to kill me," said Kanda, "in case you couldn't tell."
Tyki slammed the apartment door behind him and the four of them converged in the living room. His phone was placed on the table like a revered item from God—he glared at all three of them.
"Why?" he demanded.
"It's a long story," began Lulu.
"You know what happened four years ago," said Kanda swiftly. "Rei's dad killed Schrodlich. He's back to finish the job—that was the deal, anyway, but it's Leverrier—he's backstabbed them—"
"Where is he?" said Tyki lividly.
"We don't know," said Lulu in a low voice. "Tyki, calm down, he'll call—when he does, do not say that you've contacted us—"
"Why?"
"I have a plan—I'll explain in a second—"
The phone rang, drawing up Rei's name on the screen. Tyki made a movement to answer it instantly, but Lulu intervened.
"Put it on speaker," she said, "and don't say that we're here."
"Give me one damn good reason I should trust you," he snarled.
"Please," said Lulu evenly.
Tyki gritted his teeth and tapped the "Answer" button on the screen. A crackling static emitted into the room, where all of them waited with bated breath.
"…Rei?" said Tyki finally.
"She's here," said a smooth, snide voice.
"Who the hell are you?" he snapped.
"Oh, you didn't call your sister? You would know—"
"I don't exactly trust my sister," said Tyki callously. "Who are you?"
"We're acquainted…I am Malcolm C. Leverrier, with whom your family does business occasionally."
"Cut the shit. Where's Rei?"
"Why, here of course. Here, Rei, why don't you say something to your very worried friend?"
A silence followed.
"Hm, not exactly responsive," said Leverrier.
A slapping sound resounded and Tyki's heart rate jumped with it. Shallow breaths caused the static sound to amplify and blow louder. He knew it was her—that was enough—
"Don't—"
"She is very quiet," mused Leverrier. "But…how are you going to believe me if she doesn't respond—"
"No," he said, almost frantic, "it's enough—"
But there wasn't anything he could do to stop the loud, sickening snap or the high-pitched scream that instantaneously followed—it was cut short, almost like it had been reined in out of sheer will-power, but the shallow breaths had become sobs—across the table, Kanda's face had gone bloodless and his fist was clenched so tightly that the veins protruded from his skin but he didn't say anything, held his tongue, it looked like he was biting it—
"There we go," said Leverrier, pleased. "Well, do you have anything to say, Miss Matsumomo?"
"That's enough," said Tyki. "That's enough, don't touch her—"
"It seems you are quite interested in her well-being, Mr. Mikk. It's a pity you have not contacted Eiji because it seems like he's the one I want next, but I will contact him of my own accord after he has done what I've asked—now, Mr. Mikk, I have a question that I'm sure you have the answer to: who is the one who killed Howard Link?"
The name rang a faint bell, and suddenly Tyki was submerged in the events of that day in the amusement park—running, up the stairs, so many flights, edge of the corner and then there was a sniper, and Rei had come two steps closer to death—
Lulu was mouthing, "Don't say anything" but Tyki wasn't paying attention. He knew who Howard Link was—and he knew who had killed him—
"I'm assuming it was Eiji, so that's why I want him next," Leverrier was saying.
"No," said Tyki. All the blood was rushing into his head—he could hear the sin from so long pound mercilessly against his temples. "No, it was me. I was the one who did it."
There was not an immediate response from the cell phone.
"…I had heard rumors," said Leverrier slowly, "that you had once been a part of the Spanish Mafia, but…it seemed like you weren't active…it seems I was mistaken. Well, then, Mr. Mikk, even better. The one I want is you—if you would like to see Miss Matsumomo alive and…well, with one wrist broken but it's better than dead, you'd best meet us on London Bridge in…let's say an hour. If you don't show, well then, you can assume the worst."
"And are you going to let her go once I come?" he asked steadily.
Leverrier chuckled. "It depends. That's a gamble you'll have to take, Mr. Mikk. Show up, she has a chance. Don't…well, there really was never much of a chance to begin with."
There was another laugh.
"Well then…I look forward to seeing you soon, Mr. Mikk."
The call ended.
