Sorry for the late update! Been busy busy busy!

I apologise for the sheer randomness of this.

Me + Lack of sleep = This chapter

Val's 16


Skulduggery watched Valkyrie eat large chunks of cheese with some crackers, which she called a 'Midnight Snack', but which Skulduggery called 'A Disaster Waiting to Happen'. They were in Gordon's kitchen; Valkyrie had invited Skulduggery to stay there for the night so they could leave quickly for the case tomorrow.

"Valkyrie," he began. Valkyrie turned her head towards him and grunted.

"What?" she said with her mouth full, spraying cracker crumbs at Skulduggery's skull. He wiped them off with the back of his gloved hand.

"You do know that eating cheese before you go to sleep gives you weird dreams?"

"Skulduggery, I do not care. I am descended from a race of super-powerful people, I am the former owner of a weapon powerful enough to kill a god, I have actually gone and killed certain gods and god torsos, I went into what is practically hell to save a walking talking skeleton, I've beaten little evil slivers of darkness that can take over your soul, I've defeated a crazy psychopathic girl who wanted to kill half the planet, and I am a manic psychopath myself. I think I can handle a couple of weird dreams." And with that, Valkyrie continued to eat her cheese.


"Night, Skul," Valkyrie called as she entered her bedroom.

"Goodnight," Skulduggery called back from the living room, where he was reading one of Gordon's novels.

Valkyrie got into bed, and looked at the clock on her bedside table. It was one in the morning. She closed her eyes, and was asleep within minutes.


Valkyrie awoke with a jolt. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. It was still dark outside, but she couldn't get back to sleep. She decided to go downstairs and see what Skulduggery was doing. Maybe they could leave extra early for the case.

She went down the stairs, but stopped as she reached the bottom step. The hallway was in darkness. Skulduggery was standing extremely still, facing the door. His hat was on, and the shadows of the room meant that he was a mere silhouette. "Skul?" Valkyrie asked hesitantly, coming closer.

Skulduggery turned around quickly, and the lights in the hallway all came on, and Valkyrie jumped back. She stared.

Skulduggery's skull was pink. Not pale pink, or baby pink, but bright pink. She almost felt like laughing, but then she noticed slight movement. She watched as a little white mouse came out of his left eye socket, and another then came out of his right. They stayed there, dangling from his eye sockets by their tails. Skulduggery opened his mouth, and a white baby rabbit was sitting in its lower jaw. Valkyrie slowly backed away.

Skulduggery cocked his head to one side, and his hat fell off. Under it was a white kitten, which sat there, staring at Valkyrie. Looking closely, she could see that all four animals were staring intently at her.

"I like all animals, Valkyrie, but just not dogs," Skulduggery said in his velvety voice. The animals' eyes suddenly flashed red, and Valkyrie yelped and bolted into the living room, where none other than Beryl Edgely was standing.

Suddenly, Beryl started nicking all the silverware in the room, throwing it into her pockets, which didn't seem to be getting any bigger as the weight was added. "Uh, Beryl?" Valkyrie said.

Beryl turned her head and looked at her, then suddenly ran at the window and jumped through it head-first, but instead of it shattering everywhere, she passed right through. Valkyrie ran to the window and gasped.

Surrounding the mansion was a sea, and it seemed that the mansion was the equivalent of an island. There was literally nothing but water for miles around, even the horizon was just... blue. She watched, curious, as Beryl swam towards a yacht, and she could just about make out Fergus' silhouette at the front.

Beryl cleared the distance in record time, even though Valkyrie had never known her to swim before. Beryl jumped, literally jumped, into the boat, and then promptly turned into a giant broach.

Valkyrie jumped back from the window. What the bloody hell? She ran back upstairs into her room, noticing how Skulduggery was now gone from the hallway. She burst in through her bedroom door, and paused. Ghastly and Erskine were standing on her bed, wearing their Elder robes, furiously itching their necks. Then, paperwork, tons and tons of paperwork, started coming into the room, pouring in through the walls, floor and ceiling.

The three of them began drowning in paperwork, when Erskine clicked his fingers and a flame appeared, setting fire to all the papers. "Oh great, now we're burning to death!" exclaimed Ghastly. Valkyrie screamed as smoke clouded her vision, and then the room disappeared.

She fell onto a stool in the kitchen. Skulduggery walked up to her, looking normal- no animals, no pink, no red eyes, well, no eyes... Valkyrie sighed with relief.

"Did you know that the sparrow flies south for winter?" Skulduggery asked her, and before she could react, he punched her hard across the jaw. She fell off the stool and next thing she knew she was falling through a hole. Yup, a bloody hole.

The hole was quite wide, and she fell down right through the middle. It seemed endless, and she could only make out an eternal black pit below her. She screamed.

Suddenly, she saw something appear behind her. She turned, and saw that Skulduggery's skull was floating in mid air, enlarged so that it was larger than her. She turned again, and saw that another had appeared, and another, and another, and pretty soon she was surrounded by massive Skulduggery skulls. They followed her down, keeping in line with her as she tumbled and twisted in the air.

Suddenly, all at once, the skulls began talking. Each one was saying the same line over and over again, on a loop. She recognised them to be different things Skulduggery had said over the years.

"Doors are for people with no imagination."

"That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster."

"I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and, I don't know, possibly littering."

"Don't be jealous of my genius."

"My shoelace was untied. That's why I was late."

"We've got to work out what we need, how we get it, and what we need to get to get what we need."

"Cheer up everyone. Since we're all going to die horribly anyway, what's there to be worried about?"

"Only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight."

"We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse."

"I'll buy you a stick for Christmas."

"Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed."

"For future reference, this is my serious face."

"I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it."

All of a sudden, Valkyrie stopped falling and landed heavily on her bed in her room. She sighed with relief. "Thank God that's over," she muttered.

She turned her head and yelled, as right there in front of her was Skulduggery. Skulduggery had an electric blue Mohican.

Valkyrie blinked. Skulduggery Pleasant the skeleton detective was sitting by her bed with a flipping blue Mohican growing out of his skull. He picked up a bright red electric guitar, and began to play a melody. However, it was only when he began singing that Valkyrie realised what he was playing.

"Tall and tan and young and lovely," he sang, but not in his usual velvet voice- in a rough rock voice. He had put a twist on 'The Girl from Ipanema' and was now singing it like a rock classic. "The chick from Ipanema goes walking!" he continued screeching. He then switched into 'Me and Mrs Jones', also turning it into a rock song.

Valkyrie covered her eyes with her hands, counted to ten, then moved her hands away. Yup, he was still there. Skulduggery Pleasant was still sitting by her bed with a blue Mohican singing a rock version of a medley of two classic songs, complete with a red electric guitar.

Valkyrie screwed her eyes shut and screamed. She opened her eyes. She was in her bed. In her room. She pinched herself. It hurt. She was awake.

"Just a dream," she said to herself. "Just a bloody dream. Oh my God it was just a dream!" she smiled with happiness and relief.

Skulduggery Pleasant burst into the room. "Are you alright?" he asked, after hearing her scream from downstairs.

"Yes. Oh God, yes. I just had a really messed up dream."

"I told you," Skulduggery said smugly. "I did warn you not to eat the cheese, didn't I? But did you listen? No."

"Oh shut up, or I'll find a really big dog and tie it to your ankle," she threatened sleepily.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Yes, I would," Valkyrie yawned.

"I like all animals, Valkyrie, but just not dogs."