My alarm practically screaming is the first thing I register and it jerks me from a heavy sleep. I blindly fling an arm out to grab my phone from the floor and I manage to silence the alarm before the pain registers in my mind and almost cripples me.
A short gasp leaves me and I press my fist against my lips, attempting to muffle whatever sound might escape from between my clenched teeth. The pain is almost blinding and I carefully roll over onto my side fully and stretch my arms to see how much I can take.
I let out a groan, the pain rippling through me with every breath, but I manage to sit up, forcing myself to stay upright. I have to get my body used to moving now if I'm gonna make it to school on time. Fuck, this hurts.
Another pained groan leaves me as I lift my shirt up, looking down at the bruising that I can see from the position I'm in. Just going by what I can see painted across my abdomen and ribcage… the bruising is fucking awful. God, it's probably obvious as fuck what happened to me but it's not like I can do anything about it.
Even though everyone that knows about my trip to the hospital would probably tell me that I shouldn't go in to school, I can't skip another day. There's a game this Friday and if I miss too many days of school, Coach will bench me. There's no way I'm missing that game. There's a real chance with the university of DALV and their coach. If he shows up to watch me play, and actually likes me, there's a chance that all of this could actually work out better than I've been hoping for. I could get the chance of going to a college on a scholarship just cause I can throw a ball pretty damn well.
After I manage to master sitting up without the pain crippling me, I open the texts on my phone and navigate to Kwan's conversation. He might just ignore me but it's worth more of a shot than asking Alex.
To: Kwan
Can you give me a ride to school?
Once the text sends, I force myself up from the mattress and take a few tentative steps despite the pain and soreness that worsens with my every movement. Twice I have to catch my breath when my rib strains painfully. But I still get dressed in the clothes that Alex grabbed from my closet last night and fold the blankets I slept under.
From: Kwan
Are you sure? Shouldn't you be resting or something?
A soft groan leaves me and I rub the back of my neck, reading over his text twice before I start to type back. I don't want Kwan to know that I'm dragging myself to school today just so I can play in Friday's game – he'll tell Coach or Alex immediately and I won't have a snowball's chance in hell of making that game. Even if I told them about the scout, they still wouldn't let me play. And… I'm not ready to tell anyone that a scout was interested in me of all people. I don't want to lie to Kwan but… I don't exactly have another option.
To: Kwan
I wanna come. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay with Alex all day. Just please come get me
I don't know if wanting to go to school and not wanting to miss my chance at literally changing my life can be counted as the same thing but it works for now. I'll tell Kwan about this university soon but… not yet. I need to hear their coach's decision and let it sink in for me before I tell anyone else.
Alex is in the shower when Kwan shows up outside his apartment and I feel guilty for not sticking around long enough to tell him thanks for letting me crash there. And for showing up at the hospital. For not thinking I'm a total fuck-up. Basically, for everything.
I settle for sending him a text message that half-assedly sums up what I'm feeling before I zip my duffel bag closed and sling it onto my shoulder. My thanks to Alex probably loses something over text but all I can do is send another message. So I tell him that Kwan picked me up for school so he won't wonder where I am before I leave the apartment. For it still being October, it's awfully fucking cold outside. I'm actually shivering when I climb into Kwan's car, despite the heat blaring from the vents.
Kwan starts to say something, make some kind of joke, but he stops when he sees my face. I guess he forgot how awful it looked last night. Then again… maybe it looks worse today. I didn't even bother checking over my reflection when I got up so it probably looks a hell of a lot worse than it feels.
"Are you okay?" Kwan asks, turning up the heat when I slam the door closed.
I nod, buckling my seatbelt before I drop my duffel bag on the floor. Even that movement is painful on my rib and I draw in a careful breath before I respond. "Yeah. I need my backpack from my place though. Can we swing by there?"
Kwan gives me a look before he lets out a sigh. "I guess. Unless his car's in the driveway. If it is, you can just borrow my notes for a couple classes, okay?"
I shrug in response, turning my stare out the window. As badly as my body hurts, I'm almost able to push it completely from my mind as Kwan drives, the only noise between us being his tires against the road.
Dad's not home but Kwan still insists on following me inside and up the stairs to my room. I don't know why, it's not like dad's gonna be waiting for me. He likes to get me when I least expect it. Which is definitely how it went down this time. I was just texting Danny, bitching about my algebra homework, when he came into my room. Chained me to my bedpost… pressed a gun to my forehead… threatened to-
I sharply inhale just as we reach the top of the stairs and it doesn't go unnoticed. Kwan gives me a look when I glance over my shoulder and I guess he's thinking that I'm in more pain than I'm letting on. Which… isn't exactly a wrong guess.
My room is exactly the way it was left yesterday, broken bottle and snapped handcuffs still lying on my floor, and my shit strewn everywhere. I don't remember hauling all of my textbooks out of my backpack the day that dad came upstairs but I can barely remember anything before that cold metal sent a shock through my body.
Kwan helps me gather up my textbooks and I'm almost finished cramming all the shit back into my backpack when he makes a noise behind me. I struggle with the zippers for another few seconds before I glance over my shoulder at him. He's holding a piece of paper in his hands and I think I realize what it is even before the question forms in my mind.
Wordlessly, Kwan turns to look at me, holding up mom's letter in one hand. His expression is mostly shocked but I can tell he's angry, too. I know my best friend probably better than I know myself and I kinda figured the letter would piss him off. Which is why I never wanted to show it to him.
"Y-Yeah, that's… um… yeah," I mumble, not really sure what to say. I close my hand around the strap on my backpack. Kwan stares back at me and I can only shrug in response. The tension in my gut is back and I let out a heavy sigh, slinging my backpack onto my shoulder.
I cross over to Kwan and hold my hand out for the letter, trying to hide the wince that movement causes. Kwan waits a beat, studying me, before he hands over the letter and something in his expression seems like letting it go was the last thing he wanted to do.
"When did you get that?" Kwan asks, his eyebrows drawing down when I shrug again.
I turn for the door, the stupid letter still clutched in my hand, and I take a few steps away from Kwan. "Come on, we're gonna be late for class. And you know Ms. Anderson will love getting to yell at me for being late again."
"Dash," Kwan prompts softly and I sigh.
I don't want to have this damn conversation again but I turn back to him anyway, my voice strained when I speak. "I don't know, alright? I didn't really pay attention. A while ago," I respond, cramming the envelope into one of the front pockets on my backpack before I look back at Kwan. "Can we go, please?"
Kwan continues to stare at me in silence even after I head for my door again but I ignore him. Dad already showed me what he thought of the letter, I don't need my best friend to tell me what he thinks, too. Even though her letter really pissed me off at first, it actually… wasn't that bad. Once I saw her in person and she explained everything, I couldn't hate her anymore. She had to leave without me or risk losing the chance of saving us both. She left our home but she didn't leave me. If she didn't want to get me out too, she never would have written me that letter or met up with me. She wouldn't risk her disappearance for just anyone… but she risked it for me.
I wait until Kwan follows me down the stairs before I step outside, waiting on the porch until he's there. He steps out of the way as I lock the door behind us and I follow him down to his truck. I want to tell him everything about the letter, have him read it and then tell him everything that mom said to me in person. I want him to know that there's hope of getting out of this shit either with mom or with that coach from DALV. But the familiar tension in my gut is back and I can feel my fingers beginning to tremble when I pull his car door shut behind me. I can't tell Kwan anything because if I try to, I'll panic and I'm not falling apart again like I did last night. Once was more than enough.
Even though we're a little early to school, there are a bunch of people in the parking lot. Maybe I'm more aware of it because I'm on edge from Kwan finding mom's letter but I don't remember ever seeing this many people hanging outside before classes.
Kwan and I leave his truck and I grip the handle of my backpack tighter with every step, hoping to keep my shaking from being too obvious to anyone. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't fucking freak out. Don't-
A bunch of people are gathered around a car I vaguely recognize but it's not until I'm a little closer that I can see it's Danny's. He's sitting on the hood of his car, leaning back on his hands as he laughs at something Jeff is saying. My teammate is gesturing wildly as he talks and the grin stretched across Danny's face distracts me from noticing anyone else. But Paulina's standing next to Danny's car too and she even manages to get his attention. He looks at her with the same grin he was giving Jeff and easily nods to what she's saying, laughing then too.
His gaze shifts from Paulina and he makes the sweep of the parking lot look natural before he notices me. The smile slips from his face momentarily but he easily replaces it, nodding again to Paulina before he slides off his car. He starts away from them but turns when Jeff calls his name.
One by one my teammates notice me and Danny hesitates only a second or two before he starts toward me again. His smile has completely disappeared now as he jogs over to me and Kwan. Danny frowns when he reaches me and I stop where I am, standing between Kwan's truck and somebody's Jeep. Kwan hesitates a second before he stops too, glancing at me with a worried expression.
"H-Hey," Danny says softly, sparing a glance at Kwan before he's focused on me. He moves his hand toward me, like he wants to touch my hand or maybe my face but he pulls back, awkwardly curling his hand around one of his backpack straps instead. "How… how are you feeling?"
I shrug, not really sure what to tell him. I feel like shit. I've dragged myself to school today cause I just want to play in the damn game on Friday. My body hurts and my rib is killing me but I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying to just be normal and play it off like I got into a fight. But Danny knows the truth now so lying is pointless.
"Yo, Baxter!" Jeff calls out, his hands cupped around his mouth when I glance up at him. He gives a wave and I want to go over to my teammates. I want to pretend that this is from a fight over Paulina again but I can't. God, I've spent more of my life lying than I have telling the truth. I don't want to lie anymore.
Danny spares a glance back at the group and my chest aches when I think about him sitting on his car, talking to them so casually. He fit with them and made it look easy. Like he always belonged with them and at this point, I think he does. Most of my friends have just accepted that he's important to me now and god, he just makes sense hanging around us.
I can see Valerie standing with the rest of my friends, talking to Star. With a wide grin, Val scans the parking lot, maybe looking for where she parked her car, but her gaze lands on me instead. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other as she takes in the bruises. The momentary shock in her expression fades quickly and she looks away from me. She says something to Star that I can't hear before she turns for the school building. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does but goddammit, would it kill her to come over to me? She knows what I'm dealing with, not my teammates. So why are they the ones waving to me and calling me over and she's the one ignoring me?
Danny meets my stare when I look back at him and he offers up a small smile that I can't return. He looked so fucking normal around them and I'm anything but. I'm fucked up and everything hurts and I'm scared and-
"Dash? Hey, it's okay," Danny says, gently taking my elbow in his hand. I can't look at him, afraid the panic will climb higher in my chest if I do. It's hard to breathe as my teammates stare at me and I can't take it. I pull my arm from Danny and turn my back to everyone, trying to just get a fucking grip already. They've seen me bruised like this before. They've seen me worse than this before. I shouldn't be panicking over my fucking friends.
I stagger forward a step, placing my hand on the back of Kwan's truck, trying desperately to drag in the oxygen that my lungs just won't hang onto anymore. My stomach convulses and I'm dangerously close to spewing whatever's in my stomach onto the pavement in front of me.
"Do you want me to take you back to Alex's?" Kwan asks. He takes a step closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder in the silence. I shake my head, trying to just steady my breathing when Danny's suddenly in front of me again.
He gives me a look before he takes my hand and tugs on it. I only resist for a second before I'm following him, away from my teammates and Kwan trails after us. Danny's grip on my hand tightens and I let out a shaky breath in the silence.
"It's okay," he says softly and I close my eyes to the sound of his voice, hoping it might steady me. Even out my breathing. Wash the fear from my bones… but Danny's not a miracle worker. He's just a boy and I'm way too fucked up for him to fix.
He squeezes my hand, pulling me forward a few more paces, his breath shaky as he inhales. "Dash, you don't have to stick around today… you know that, right? I… know you're struggling. It's okay though. It's gonna be okay, I promise you."
Danny lets out a breath when I don't respond and I can't tell if it's because of me. If he's getting tired of me. Or tired of my shit at least. I can't even blame him if he is. I'm tired of my fucking shit. It's the same thing every damn time. If I were him, I'd have given up on me a long time ago. But Danny's not me and he's a lot less willing to ditch the world's biggest fuck-up.
"Come on, we're skipping today," he says, suddenly pulling me toward his car and ignoring my attempts at resisting. I don't want to get that close to my teammates, have them see the damage dad inflicted on me again. But Danny's insistent and I'm standing in front of my friends within a few seconds.
Kwan does his best to distract our teammates and friends but their focus is on me. Jeff makes some joke about the state of my face but Star asks if I'm okay. And the look on Paulina's face when I glance at her almost kills me. Fuck. I can't look her way again. I can't look at anyone. Cause the truth will come spilling from me and I'm not ready to talk about it again. It hurts too fucking much.
Danny opens the driver's door for me and ushers me inside, softly instructing me to crawl across the seat to get to the passenger side. I almost argue that I'm capable of opening a damn door on my own… but Dale and Jeff are talking to me, still trying to ask me what the fuck happened to my face and I just want to ignore everyone. So I crawl across the seats in Danny's car and click my seatbelt into place, hoping that wherever he takes me is a hell of a lot better than here.
Danny keeps the radio playing softly and I drift off once or twice against the passenger window, only waking up when the car stops. I rub at my eyes before realizing that we're parked in front of Danny's house. He grabs my backpack with his and wordlessly nods toward his house.
We climb the few stairs to his front door and Danny unlocks it, letting me in first before he follows, pulling the door shut behind him. He kicks his shoes off near the door so I follow suit. I almost ask him what the hell we're doing when he takes my hand in his and all conscious thought leaves my mind.
He leads me up the stairs and turns into his bedroom, the door slightly ajar. I picture him leaving the house in the morning, backpack on shoulder, and wonder if he's the kind of person that eats breakfast in the morning or if he's just a coffee person like me. I don't need food in me that early, just something really caffeinated. I wonder if Danny's the same.
Danny drops our backpacks on his floor and points to his bed. "Sit." He gives me a look when I don't make a move toward his bed, his hands sliding onto his hips as he stares at me.
I want to argue, or at least ask what the fuck he's doing but my left side is aching like crazy. I thought that maybe the doctor made a mistake and that my rib isn't actually cracked but… with every breath being more painful than the last… it's obvious that it's true.
A quiet wince leaves me as I sink down onto Danny's bed and he gives me a look before he sits down in his desk chair, waking up his laptop with a few clicks of his mouse. He taps his fingers against the keyboard a few times before spinning around in his chair to face me.
"I'm gonna give it to you straight, Dash. You look like shit and you could probably use some rest. So, just go to sleep for a while and I'll wake you in a couple of hours for lunch." Danny waits a second or two to see if I'm gonna argue before he gets up from his chair.
He disappears into the hallway and I almost follow him out to argue with him about sleeping but I'm too exhausted. It's not just my rib anymore, my whole body aches. And goddammit, he's right. I could probably use the rest.
Danny returns a few seconds later, several blankets thrown over his arm and a pillow in one hand. "They're clean, they were just in the guest bedroom." He tosses the pillow onto his mattress and leans over me, grabbing his own pillow and depositing it at the end of his bed. He waits until I lay down before he spreads the blankets out over me, giving me a soft smile when he steps back.
I mumble my thanks and he nods before he goes to his computer again. After sparing me another glance, he turns back to his screen. I try to let myself drift off, just get the sleep I know I could use, but my mind is too busy watching Danny and noticing everything he does. Like the way he bites his lip when he's reading. Or how his fingers hesitate on the keys between words, like he's not sure of what he's typing. The way his eyebrows draw down as he concentrates on whatever's on his screen.
Danny turns toward me again and I feel the heat flood my face as I wonder if he caught me staring. He tilts his head to one side, a smile tugging at his lips as he rises from his chair. He crosses over to me and sinks down on his bed.
"You're supposed to be sleeping," he teases, his voice light on the words. He hesitates a second before reaching up to brush my hair back from my forehead, momentarily causing all coherent thoughts to leave my brain. "Do I need to leave the room so you actually sleep?"
He's still teasing me but I shake my head, already knowing that I don't want him leaving me alone. I don't want to be with just my thoughts right now and maybe that's why I can't stop myself when he starts to rise from his bed.
Danny glances down at my hand closed around his wrist and I let out a soft breath, feeling heat rush through my body. I don't want to fuck up or push him away but… I can't stop myself.
"D-Do… do you think you could… stay with me?" I ask, my voice almost dying out but I force myself to continue. He gives me a funny look, like he was never actually planning to leave the room and I know he's not understanding my question. "Like here? O-On the bed?"
Realization dawns on his face and he slowly nods. I shift back on the bed and he stands up, getting his pillow from the end of the bed, sliding it up next to the one he gave me. He sinks back down on the bed, his back to me as he pulls his phone from his pocket. I'm sorting out the blankets, trying to spread them out evenly on his side of the bed too, when the sound of his belt-buckle coming undone causes me to freeze.
Danny turns to look at me over his shoulder when a gasp leaves me. I can't meet his gaze even when he tries desperately to catch mine. I won't look at him as I keep fiddling with the blankets and he slides his belt from his jeans, letting it fall onto his floor before he stretches out on the bed.
He shifts a few times, adjusting his pillow, before he relaxes into his bed with a soft sigh. He's not as warm as I thought he'd be and I stretch the blankets over him too. He mumbles out a thank you and draws the blankets up higher on his chest.
The only sound I can hear is his breathing and it's almost like a lullaby. Softly pulling me toward sleep and I let myself scoot a little closer to him, despite the way it makes my heart ache. We're not touching the way I want to be but having him next to me is enough for now. Until I can bury my face in his chest and memorize the way he tastes, it'll never truly be enough.
I don't know what time it is when I wake up, only that the sun drifting lazily through Danny's windows isn't blinding like the morning sun usually is. It must be sometime in the afternoon, given the way I'm able to stare out the window without hating everything.
Danny's turned over in his sleep and I can watch his every expression as he sleeps. I just stare at him for a while, listening to his breathing and watching his chest rise and fall in the silence. I don't think he'll ever have a clue what he's able to do to me and I can't help the smile pulling at my expression despite the pain I'm still in.
Eventually, he starts stirring next to me and after a few seconds, he blinks open an eye. He gives me a sleepy grin and it might be the cutest smile I've ever seen. I bite my tongue to keep from mentioning it and instead, offer him a smile of my own.
"Hey," he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes with his fist. A small yawn escapes him and he muffles it with the back of his hand. It still sounds like a kitten yawning, which is making the whole not saying anything more difficult than it should be.
He shifts onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a soft exhale. "You feeling any better?"
The trembling in my fingers along with the tension in my gut is gone now that I'm away from Casper High. I don't think I'll ever know why seeing my friends crowded around Danny made the panic course through my veins like my own blood but I don't feel any of it now.
"Yeah… I feel better," I mumble.
Danny hums a noise of approval and stretches his arms over his head, letting out a soft sigh. "It's been forever since I've slept like this. I actually feel like I got some rest." He snorts, glancing at me. "Insomnia's a bitch, huh?"
I grin back, ignoring the way his expression makes my chest feel. "Yeah, it is." I wait a few seconds before I roll onto my back too and though the pain runs through me, it isn't as bad as when I woke up in Alex's place. It still causes a noise to leave me and Danny glances toward me at the sound.
His eyes take in the bruises again and he lets out a breath. He seems to war with himself for a few minutes as we stare at each other and I wonder what's crowding up his head. What he thinks about when he sees the marks dad left on me now that he knows the truth.
Danny opens his mouth but closes it just as quickly, shaking his head as he looks away from me. The silence falls between us again but it's a comfortable one. I don't feel the need to say anything and I don't think he does either. I close my eyes even though I'm miles away from sleeping and I just lie next to Danny, forgetting that a world outside of the two of us even exists. I'm sure after a while, I'd start missing my friends and normalcy but for now, I'm happy just being next to Danny.
I stay with Alex another night but in the morning, I somehow convince him to give me a ride to my car. Though he seems hesitant to let me drive at first, he lets me go and I'm on my way to school just after seven.
The parking lot is almost the same scene as yesterday, the only difference is that Danny's not on the hood of his car, leaning against the side of it instead as he talks with my teammates. He's got on a light blue hoodie that matches his eyes. Not that I notice it or some shit like that.
I park my car in a space not too far from Danny's and I know he's realized it's me. He's still talking with my teammates but he's not smiling like he was yesterday. He's nodding along to Keith and though my teammate is grinning and looks excited, Danny's a little more subdued. A lot more actually. He steals a subtle glance toward me when I get out of my car but otherwise, no one notices me.
The fact that everyone is distracted when I first get out gives me the chance to throw my letterman jacket on and casually stroll up. The panic and fear that ran through me yesterday doesn't exist today and I'm able to give my friends a smile when they look my way.
"Baxter, you showed up!" Jeff says, breaking loose from the crowd. He goes to clap me on the back before he gets a better look at my face and decides against it. He settles on a soft punch to my shoulder, his eyebrows drawing down as he assesses the damage. "Fuck man, that looks like that hurts."
I shrug, hitching my backpack higher on my shoulder as I approach my friends. Danny immediately pushes away from his car, looking like he's ready to leave again if I ask him to. But once was enough for me, there's no need to be dramatic again. I've already missed two days, I really can't afford a third since I'm gonna play in the game this Friday.
"Hey," Danny says softly and a few of my friends turn at the noise. Star's expression is a little confused when Paulina gives me a sympathetic look but doesn't question the bruises. She already knows what they're from but Star doesn't.
Keith gives me a once over, his eyebrows drawing downward before I finally look away, clearing my throat to disturb some of the quiet that's settled over the group.
"So, what are we talking about? Someone throwing another party this weekend?" I ask, forcing a grin onto my face. Danny doesn't relax the way I thought he would and my teammates glance between each other uncomfortably.
Paulina takes a split second before she grins, putting her hand on her hip as she talks. "Well, that depends. If you and the boys can bring the team to victory this week, there might be a party in it for you. But only if you win." She winks at me but the way her gaze lingers makes me think she's not just doing this to talk about the game. She's taking the focus off of me and I can't help the relieved sigh that leaves me.
"Oh, like we could lose," I respond, rolling my eyes for dramatic effect as I jab my elbow into Jeff's side. He laughs and easily joins the conversation, bragging about his talents on the field. Paulina keeps everyone talking and the attention is quickly pulled from me. The only one still watching me carefully is Danny. His eyebrows draw down whenever I grin and he unconsciously winces every time one of my teammates jostles me. I guess he's wondering if my body looks as bad as my face does. Which considering I've cracked a rib, that's a solid yes.
My teammates and I split up when it gets closer to the first bell but Paulina and Danny stray away from the group. They glance at each other momentarily before they both approach me at my locker. Danny casually leans against the locker next to mine and Paulina stands beside him, frowning as she takes in the bruises again.
I dig my books out of my locker and Danny watches me from under his fringe. Paulina fidgets next to him and I let out a breath as I sling my backpack onto my shoulder.
"I'm fine, you guys. Seriously," I say, swinging my locker door shut. They both give me an 'uh-huh' look and I roll my eyes. Paulina shifts her weight, glancing at Danny nervously before she speaks.
"Dash… I-If you… need to talk, I'm here," she says, choosing her words carefully. She tosses a glance Danny's way and I try to figure out the meaning behind that look but it's lost on me.
Danny barely looks at her before he nods to her sentiment. "Same… here. You have my number if you want to talk… or you know, algebra homework or… whatever." He shrugs and they glance toward each other again before quickly looking away. It takes a second of silence for me to understand why the fuck they're acting so weird.
I lean against my locker door letting out a sigh as I look between them. "Relax, both of you." I try to make it as casual as possible so I shrug a shoulder. "Don't worry, alright? I've been staying at Alex's and dad's car hasn't even been in the driveway the last two times I've been home to get shit, alright? I'm fine."
Paulina's eyes widen a little before she lets out a breath, slowly glancing toward Danny. She gives him a once-over like she's trying to figure out what to say in the silence. "So… you know then?"
Danny looks at me before he meets her gaze, nodding slowly. "Yeah. I didn't know if you did cause Dash didn't mention it. So, I thought better safe than sorry." He glances toward me again before shrugging. "I didn't want to say something that he wouldn't want everyone to know."
They both visibly relax around each other after a few awkward seconds of silence and Paulina hesitates a moment before looking at me with a gentle smile.
"So, you let someone in, huh?" she asks, folding her arms over her chest as she steps closer to me. Her eyebrows draw down after a second and she hesitantly glances toward Danny. He seems to get the hint and tells me he'll see me at lunch. He disappears down the hall and I watch him go, kinda wishing it was Paulina leaving instead.
She lets out a breath and I look back at her again. "Dash, I'm… really sorry about everything. I should… never have let you think that I didn't care about all this shit with your dad," she says, practically in a whisper. I give her a shrug in response but her eyebrows draw down and I guess that's not what she wanted me to do.
"When I came to see you at the garage… when I broke up with you, I…" She shakes her head, looking away from me for a second before she's back to staring at me, making a pained noise as she holds my gaze. "I should never have called you selfish. Dash, you are… the farthest thing from selfish. I'm just… I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Paulina intertwines her fingers with mine and lifts them up to her mouth, placing a kiss to the back of my hand. She drops her gaze from mine, shaking her head again, and I'm not really sure what to make of her apology. I don't think we've ever apologized to each other in the past - we've always just used sex as a way to make peace.
"I… uhh…"
She glances back up at me when I falter over broken words, giving me another gentle smile. "It's okay. I don't expect you to have anything to say. I'm not apologizing to hear you tell me it's okay. I'm apologizing to you because… you never deserved that. And I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. Especially not to you."
I don't want to make an asshole of myself but I can't wrap my head around why she's apologizing to me now. It feels like it's been forever since anyone has ever uttered an apology to me the way that she has and I don't know what to say.
"I-I…" I mumble, staring down at our hands as I try to make sense of everything that's running through my head. I don't know what to say. Am I supposed to say that it's okay? That I forgive her? Cause it is… I do. But… how the fuck do words work?
Paulina smiles, shaking her head as she lets go of my hand. "You don't have to say anything, Dash. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry." She puts a hand on my shoulder and her expression softens. "I'm… really glad you told Danny. It's good for you to let people in."
I don't have anything to say in response to that either so I settle for a nod, staring down at the floor. She gently squeezes my shoulder and after telling me she'll see me at lunch, she disappears down the hall. I'm left staring after her and wondering if we'd apologized or been honest to each other during our relationship, would I still have fallen for Danny?
Jeff and I are the first two to show up at the cafeteria but we both hang back, me waiting on Danny and him waiting on Star. The latter doesn't keep us in suspense for long but the former is one of the last to show up.
"Hey," Danny says as he strolls to a stop in front of me. He gives me a look like I didn't have to wait for him and I shrug, gesturing him inside. "Um… wait a sec?"
I turn back toward him and raise an eyebrow. He fidgets for a second before letting out a breath and taking my wrist in his hand. He tugs me away from the cafeteria doors, only stopping when we're about a row of lockers down.
"I was just… worried about you. Wanted to make sure you're okay," he mumbles, unknowingly making my chest ache. He tentatively holds my gaze, his voice soft as he speaks. "I didn't realize that you'd told Paulina. She uh… it's a good thing that she knows?"
I nod, watching his expression shift before he shrugs. "Yeah, she's cool. She was… she was actually just telling me that it's a good thing that I told you."
Danny raises an eyebrow and lets out a quiet 'huh' before he looks away from me for a few seconds, watching a group of girls pass us by. He shrugs, letting out a small breath. "She's right though. I'm... really glad you let me in."
He finally looks back at me, a small smile on his face. "We should probably eat before your friends think that we're ditching again."
I follow him into the lunch room and my friends start acting obnoxious as soon as I'm in sight and I flip off a couple of my teammates when they start pulling faces at me like they're fucking five. Jeff is whooping and hollering loudly as Danny and I get in line and it's only when the lunch monitor shoots him a dirty look that he shuts up. Paulina and Star hide their laughter behind their hands until the monitor's out of sight and Danny gives a snort next to me.
"Are your friends always this immature?" he asks, the smile on his face more genuine than I've seen in a while. I wonder what he really thinks of my friends. The past two days, I've seen them hanging around him without me even there and it's obvious that they've accepted him. I just hope that he's accepted them too.
I shrug, giving him a grin in response. "What else would they be?"
Danny and I join the others at the table and talk revolves mostly around the game on Friday. Kwan shoots me a nervous glance or two throughout the conversation but he's mostly glued to his phone, frowning down at whatever's on the screen.
"We're gonna make it a good one, baby!" Jeff whoops, leaning over to kiss Star on the cheek, who simply rolls her eyes at his obnoxiousness.
Paulina makes some joke about partying whether we win or lose before she looks at Danny with a smile. "You're gonna come, right? We need somebody in the crowd to help us cheer the boys on."
Danny blinks, awkwardly stammering out yes as his cheeks adopt a light dusting of pink before the conversation changes again. Keith starts talking to Danny about something and though Kwan looks like he wants to interject with his thoughts, his phone starts vibrating against the table. He glances at the device before turning the volume off and responding to Keith, giving both my teammate and Danny a smile as he talks.
"Yo," someone says as they join our table. I don't even have to look up from my phone to know it's Blake. He drums his hands against the table, giving Paulina a wink when she looks his way.
"Where you been Weston? You've barely showed your face here the past couple days," Dale comments, continuing to tap on his phone without looking up. Blake seems to have some kind of moral debate before he leans over to snag Dale's phone, holding it out of our teammate's grasp.
After a second of struggling, Blake gives in and surrenders the phone. Dale scoffs before leaning over to slug him on the arm and give him an appropriate 'what the hell' look. Blake only grins in response, his gaze sweeping the table before he leans back in his chair.
"If you must know, I was chasing tail," Blake says, his eyes falling closed as he continues to grin at nothing in particular – like he's reminiscing on a few wild nights he definitely didn't have.
Star snorts, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, you wish." She's leaning back into Jeff and mutters something softly to him about the upcoming game as she kisses his neck. Jeff grins before his gaze meets mine.
"What are you looking at, Baxter? A little jealous?" he teases, leaning down to give Star an overly-sloppy kiss on her cheek. She lets out a small squeal and swats at him without any real force behind the move.
Jeff laughs loudly, shooting me another grin. "You know, you could have a firecracker like her, too. If you'd ever stop getting into bar fights," he says, making an overexaggerated gesture to my face.
I laugh, cause the joke is actually funny unlike most of the shit Jeff says, but I notice the way Kwan and Danny have subtly glanced toward me and I guess they don't see the humor. Even Paulina looks my way for a split second. All at once, the three of them start trying to turn the conversation in another direction but I cut in, raising my voice above them at the start of my response.
"Actually, it wasn't a bar fight," I say, watching Jeff cock his head to one side in question. Everyone's fallen silent and though the noise of the cafeteria is still going on around us, I swear we could hear a pin drop at our table. "It was… well, it's just that… my dad can get a little… heated sometimes and… yeah."
It's the shittiest way I've ever said it and I hate that it came out like that but it's the truth. And I'm tired of hiding this shit from my teammates. My friends. I've hurt way too fucking long to just keep this to myself.
Jeff blinks, apparently still processing this, but Dale surprises me by speaking first.
"That fucking sucks, man," he says, shaking his head when I glance at him. He doesn't elaborate more than that and Jeff and Star continue to just stare blankly at me.
Blake whistles softly, punching me gently on the shoulder when I look at him. "I second Dale. That really sucks, man."
I shrug, not really sure what to say but somehow, the words find me. "Yeah, it's um… been going on a long time and I'm really fucking sick of hiding it. Cause you guys are my friends and I… don't want to keep this shit a secret anymore."
Everyone at the table is still silent and I feel it crawl over me. I can't hold anyone's gaze but Danny's not just anyone. I look at him and he lifts one corner of his mouth, looking like that one movement takes all of his effort.
Jeff finally breaks out of his trance and he lets out a low breath. He rubs his index finger along the underside of his nose, glancing up at me for a second before dropping his gaze again. "Holy… fuck, man. I-I had… no idea, I would never have-"
"It's fine," I tell him and I realize it is. I don't care that they never figured it out and I don't care that I've felt like I had to hide it this whole time cause I was scared of what they'd think. I don't even care that I feel so awkward right now. Paulina and Danny were right, letting people in is a good thing.
Keith sets his phone on the table and clears his throat. "Dash, I have an uncle that's a lawyer… I could mention this to him if you want me to?"
"No, it's not…" I let out a breath, shaking my head. "If things get bad, I have… places to go," I mumble, my gaze drifting toward Kwan who gives me a sympathetic look. I let out a breath, forcing myself to look at Keith again. "Thanks but… I'm fine."
Keith hesitates a second before he shrugs, glancing at Kwan before he speaks, his gaze drifting toward me again. "Just… let me know if you change your mind."
Maybe getting out of dad's place before graduation is the better way to go but right now, I don't care. Cause I finally told my teammates what's been going on with me and it's like a fucking weight has been lifted from my chest.
I'm in the library with Danny after lunch, making him laugh instead of working on my algebra, when a shadow falls over the table.
Valerie is standing awkwardly at the end of the table, fiddling with her backpack straps and glancing between me and the floor. My heart aches for a split second and I try to expel out the feeling with a heavy exhale but it doesn't work. Some mixture of dread and fear sits on my chest like a damn weight and I can't meet her gaze either. Danny looks between us and I know he can feel the tension cause he slides from his chair and says something about getting some water.
As soon as he's gone, Valerie moves into the chair next to mine. She won't look at me at first, simply taking in the few bruises littering my arms before she meets my gaze, tears gathered in the corners of her eyes.
The breath I draw in is sharp and stabbing and I exhale out slowly, trying to stop myself from tearing up. Valerie takes my hand in hers and slowly raises it to her mouth, placing a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. "Dash… I'm so sorry," she whispers, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against my hand.
Sorry… Today seems like the day for apologies. But… I never expected one from Valerie. Of all the shit that we've faced together, I never imagined that a stupid fight would push us away from each other. And I never would have guessed that she'd be the one apologizing for it.
She sniffles, glancing up at me in the silence. A tear escapes her eye and makes tracks down her face. I lean forward to catch it before it can run off her chin despite the pain the movement brings to my rib.
"I-I didn't know what to say when I saw you yesterday but I should have said something," Valerie says, tightening her hold on my hand. "I'm so sorry."
I shake my head even while she's still talking, squeezing her hand gently. "It's not… your fault, Val." There's so much more I want to say to her. I want her to know that I'm okay even though I'm not. I want to tell her that everything's gonna be okay but she can see right through my lies.
Valerie sighs loudly in the silence, dropping her gaze from me. "N-No, it's not… just about your dad. I'm sorry about me. About the way I acted when you asked me why I was at school that day," she says, glancing up at me again. Tears are still gathered in her eyes and she shakes her head, attempting to keep up a brave face despite the emotion clear in her expression.
She draws in a staggered breath. "Dash, I don't… God, I don't care anymore. I don't care why you pulled the fire alarm or if you were just bored, or whatever." Valerie turns in her chair more so she's facing me better. "You're one of my best friend's and if you say you had a reason for doing what you did, then I trust you and I don't care. Because you're more important to me than this job, okay? C-Cause you were there for me when I-I lost m-my mom and I've been th-thinking about those long nights a-at the hospital and you were the one that was there f-for me when m-my dad c-couldn't b-be there and I just-I just, Dash, I just-"
"It's okay," I say, stopping her from saying anything more when I pull my hand from hers only so I can push her against my chest and hug her. She relaxes into my arms but her tears quickly fall and soon she's crying into my chest, her words barely coherent. I hold her gently, shushing her every time she tries to apologize again. I can't tell her why I pulled that alarm but I don't want to fight anymore either. I don't care if she can't tell me why they were there. I think I've figured it out but it doesn't matter either way. Valerie's one of my best friend's and that's more important to me than knowing the truth.
I try to go home that night. I really fucking try. But I only make it into my neighborhood before I have to pull my car over and have a fucking breakdown. My hands are shaking, my fingers are trembling, my whole body is convulsing and I can barely breathe. Every hit of oxygen I manage to drag in is dizzying and I can't stop the panic from rising in the back of my throat.
Even though I resist for as long as I fucking can, I don't manage to talk myself out of getting my phone from my pocket and calling Danny. He's the only one that knows how to deal with me when I'm like this and if this past week proves anything... it's that I can trust Danny. And that he'll help me if I need him to.
"Hello?"
Just hearing his voice - hearing someone other than my rapid breathing filling the inside of my car makes drawing in my next breath a little easier. It doesn't eradicate the tension spiraling around my veins like a vice but it eases the feeling. It soothes the scratchiness my throat has felt since that day.
"H-Hey," I breathe, letting my eyes fall closed as I rest my head back against the drivers seat. The shakiness is still alive and present in my every movement but I manage to lean forward and turn the radio off, the low-drone no longer a background noise to my panic.
Danny's quiet for a few seconds, maybe waiting to see if I'm gonna say why I'm calling him, but he quickly gives up on getting an answer out of me and gets straight to the point instead. "Are you okay? You sound kinda freaked out."
I let out a low breath, a nervous laugh tumbling from me in the quiet. I don't know what to tell Danny. He knows my shit now. Maybe he has for a long time but I know that he knows now. And it makes talking about my panic harder.
"Yeah, I'm just…" I trail off, not sure if I have it in me to utter the lie. I've been so used to locking everybody out that I don't know what to do now that I don't have to. Everyone that's important to me knows about this shit now. All of my teammates, most of the cheerleading team, Alex, Danny… they all know. And it should be really fucking easy to just say what's bugging me.
Danny won't let us stay in silence for long, reminding me that he's a hell of a lot smarter than I give him credit for. "Dash… please tell me you didn't go home. I know that I don't really have a right to tell you what to do but… that's just – It's a bad idea."
Goddammit, Fenton. How do you always know what the fuck is wrong before my splintered voice and ashen lungs can find the courage to speak?
I let out a breath that's more of a garbled laugh and Danny falls silent on his end. He knows me too well. I've only known him around two months, he shouldn't know me this well already.
"I'm… sitting in my car. Parked on a… side-street in my neighborhood," I finally manage to say, swearing under my breath at the tremble in my fingers and the break in my voice. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to be sitting in my car having a fucking breakdown cause of my dad. This is stupid.
Danny slowly exhales into the receiver. "Dash, what are you doing there?" he asks like I have some kind of choice in this. Like the anxiety that's wrapping around my bones will ever let me go. Like it's easy for me to turn away from everything that's happened to me since I was six years old.
"Danny… I don't want to go home. But it's not like… I can't really…" I push out a breath, trying to expel all the shaky thoughts from my mind. Trying to feel stronger.
"I get it, okay? I know why you're doing this. You feel some kind of obligation to your dad. I get it, Dash. But it doesn't have to be this way."
He doesn't get it. I'm the one that's grown up around my dad, not Danny. I'm the one that had to deal with his hands when he had too many drinks. I'm the one that had to drive my mom to the hospital when dad put her through hell. I'm the one that's had to pick up my broken pieces and desperately try to hold myself together with super glue. Danny doesn't know what it's like to have a father like mine. But I think the part that Danny gets is my pain. And it scares me to wonder what makes him able to understand it.
I stay with Alex again that night and the following night too. And I somehow make it through practice both days without him finding out. And I keep Coach from figuring out about my cracked rib or seeing the bruises on my face by suiting up before I ever step foot on the field. I down painkillers in the locker room, work my ass off on the field like usual, and he doesn't pay that much attention to my face. Though he does yell in my direction more than usual to let me know he's not happy I skipped practice twice.
I'm in the locker room before the game, practically vibrating as I suit up again. Keith sits on the bench next to me and gives me a once over before nodding toward me. "You sure you're okay to play tonight?" he asks, sliding his knee guard into place. He puts the other one on and adjusts the straps on both before giving me a look. "I saw the bruising on your chest yesterday."
I immediately look away from him, the fear running through me again before I remember that it's okay. He knows now. They all know. I offer up a shrug when I glance back toward him. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I've played through worse."
Keith gives me another look and I wonder if Kwan set him up to this. "Do you know if it's just bruised? Because if there's a chance that something's broken… you probably shouldn't play until you see a doctor. You could make it a lot worse than it already is."
There's no way in hell I'm telling anyone that I've cracked a rib. Coach would bench me for sure and I can't sit out. Not tonight. I think I finally have a shot at getting out of Amity Park and I'm not letting it pass me by.
"Already been to the doctor's," I say, pulling my jersey on over my head. "It's just bruised," I continue, giving him a grin as I adjust my jersey over my shoulder pads. "You think I'd be dumb enough to play with an injury? Have more faith in me, man."
Keith's hesitant with the smile that tugs at his face but he shakes his head as he gives in with a soft laugh. He stands up from the bench and claps me on the shoulder. "Alright. Just be careful out there. The Mavericks have a really brutal line up this year."
"You know it," I say with a grin, turning back to my locker as he steps away from me. As soon as his back is turned and he's listening to whatever Blake's rambling on about, I swallow down two of the remaining painkillers Dr. Edwards gave me with a few large gulps of Gatorade.
My rib still hurts when I do pretty much anything but these painkillers have made it easier to get through practice the past few days. It's probably not the best move on my part but… I have to play tonight. And if taking these painkillers is the only way that I can do it then whatever. At least I'll still be able to play.
The locker room door slams open and Keith and I both turn at the noise. Kwan strides inside and crosses over to his locker, not looking at either one of us. He yanks open the door and throws his phone inside so hard, one of our teammates on the other side lets out a yelp.
"What the fuck?" Dale asks, coming around the side of the locker to glare in Kwan's general direction.
Kwan rolls his eyes, shedding his letterman jacket and cramming it inside his locker too. His stiff posture is obvious to everyone and Keith and I share a look before I move from my locker to Kwan's.
"What's up, man?" I ask, watching him strip his shirt off before replacing it with his undershirt. He shrugs a shoulder, not bothering with a response as he kicks his shoes off. I glance back at Keith and he gives me a frown that urges me to keep going.
I let out a breath, lowering my voice as I turn back to Kwan. "You okay? You're kinda… tense." It sounds really lame when I say it and he doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken. He continues suiting up without saying anything.
"Hey, come on. It's me," I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. "What is it?"
He glances at my hand on his shoulder before looking back at me, a screwed up look on his face. "Really? So you're the only one that gets to keep secrets now?" he demands, rolling his eyes as he pulls away from me.
I don't know what to say and ordinarily this is the point where I'd admit defeat and back off before I make an idiot of myself by saying the wrong thing. But Kwan's my best friend and I know him better than anyone.
"Come on. I've told you everything since we were kids," I respond, giving him an overzealous grin only cause I know Keith is watching. "You know you can tell me anything."
Kwan slams his locker door closed and the noise draws a few people's attention. He fixes me with a look that's clearly telling me to drop it but I don't get a chance to back down before he snaps back, his words cutting through me like shards of glass.
"What about the letter? You didn't mention that at all. I had to find that before you'd say anything about it. Because you wouldn't tell me. But apparently Danny knows something about it?" he demands, rolling his eyes at my stunned silence. "Of course you have nothing to say. You never have anything to say.
No one around us speaks for a few seconds but Kwan doesn't let the silence last for long.
"God, you're such a fucking hypocrite, you know that? You're always telling me to open up or tell you shit and you don't do it in return. You just keep it all inside and you never let anyone in. And all I ever do, all I've ever done is-"
Kwan abruptly stops talking and turns for the exit without another glance back. There's a split second of silence before Keith follows him out, calling his name as he goes. I feel like I should follow him too and figure out what the fuck is going on with him but a part of me is wondering if he's finally reached that point where he gives up on me. It only took mom seventeen years, how long does it take my best friend to decide to ditch me?
It only takes me a few minutes to work up the nerve to go after Kwan. I want to find him and fix whatever I did to upset him. I've just stepped out of the locker room when someone calls my name. I turn toward the source and Paulina comes to a stop in front of me, giving me a smile.
"Hey, come here," she says, gesturing for me to follow her. I glance toward the field again but I can't see Kwan or Keith so I follow Paulina until we're standing under some of the lights for the field. She turns me around so my back is against the pole and laughs softly when I raise an eyebrow.
Paulina opens up her gym bag and digs out some kind of lip gloss thing and offers me a shrug. "I've heard word that there'll be some interviews after the game for the winning team. Considering the Ravens have the best quarterback in the history of ever, I figured you might want to look good for the interview." She holds out the tube toward me and I give her a look.
"Are you asking me to wear lip gloss?"
She rolls her eyes. "No, I'm not asking you to wear lip gloss, Dash. It's concealer. For the…" She hesitates a second before she huffs out a breath. "For the bruises."
I must give her a blank look because she twists the cap off and steps closer to me. "Just… let me show you what it'll look like, okay?" She starts applying it under my eyes and across my cheekbones, being as gentle as she can, and I close my eyes to her touch.
Paulina hums softly, her fingertips moving gently over my face as she works to cover the marks that dad so effortlessly left on me. Even with how soft her touch is, it still aches every time she has to apply more pressure.
"Okay, done." Paulina places the cap back onto the concealer and tosses it into her bag before she digs through it again, handing over a small mirror.
Holy shit. The bruises aren't completely covered but she's done a fucking amazing job. My face looks less like I've been in a fight and more like I ran into a door a couple times. Shit, that looks so much better.
"Th-Thank you," I stammer, handing over the mirror again, still somewhat in awe. Paulina shrugs, smiling as she puts the mirror away. She brushes her hair back from her shoulders before digging inside her bag again.
I want to leave the moment there, just accept her kindness with a simple thank you but I can't. I broke up with her last week and she's apologized to me for the past and now she wants to help me out? I don't understand her.
"Why… are you helping me?" I ask, trying not to sound that surprised.
Paulina holds my gaze for a second before she shrugs, getting out a hairband from her bag. "Because I care about you." She gathers her hair into a high ponytail and secures it before she gives me a smile. "I just figured… you know, first impressions and all." She leans over to gently slug me on the arm.
"You look good, Dash. Now go out there and kick some ass. The Ravens need a victory tonight." She gives me a bright smile before she puts a hand on my back and gently pushes me toward the field.
I don't know what to think about what she did for me but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. I know a lot of my teammates will always see Paulina as a grudge-holding, petty cheerleader and it's easy for me to slip into believing the same. But every time I think I've figured her out, she ends up showing me how wrong I am. I think I've always been wrong about Paulina.
A/N:
Heyoooo! Another week of angst, another week of my life being extended due to all of the tears I soak up from my readers ;p
Welcome back! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I updated this story… I don't usually wait this long between updates but my life has been absolutely crazy. It literally feels like it's been one thing after another but hopefully life calms down soon. I really don't want to have to go this long between updates again. But anyway, back to talking about the story - the angst is really heating up in this chapter and I'd love to know what you're thinking about it
What do you think of Alex and the way he's treating Dash? How'd you like Danny taking care of Dash when the poor quarterback started to panic? What do you think is going on with Kwan that's got him snapping at his best friend? Do you think Kwan means any of what he says? Did Paulina apologizing make up for everything she's done so far? Tell me what you're thinking, I really do love reading through your thoughts!
Do you have any guesses about where this story is headed? Also are you going crazy just waiting for the space nerd and the bruised quarterback to just kiss already? (I'm waiting for it so intensely, you guys have no idea)
The title of this chapter comes from the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. As a whole, this song definitely has some Dash/Danny vibes to it and that line was too good to pass up for this chapter ;p
Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say about this chapter. If you wanna follow me on tumblr for updates about when the next chapter's going up, my blog is in my profile. So, feel free to check it out for updates and the like
I hope you guys enjoyed this update and I can't wait to hear from you all. Thank you for reading every time I update – I really appreciate it! See you next update!
