Belle trailed after Milah and Gold, just a few steps behind as they began the walk toward Storybrooke's lone church and cemetery. She had been quiet for most of the morning, with clear reason. After everything Milah had told her, and then seeing the reality of Gold and Milah together - interacting, joking, reminiscing - had unsettled her.
Learning that Milah was alive, that Gold had been to see her while warning Belle away, that had hurt. She'd been angry enough to send him out of his own house, defiant enough to approach Milah on her own.
That had been a mistake.
Milah, not appreciative of being questioned by Gold's new love, had told her everything. Perhaps too much. The woman had fed Belle the furious pain of a history that she had no part in.
Be careful what you wish for.
It'd been somewhat vindictive on Milah's part. So like Gold, she hated to speak of her past, so, when Belle showed up at her door expecting explanations, Milah had punished her impudence with a flood of hideous truth.
Then, just after, Gold had come and drawn them out of the room.
The fresh air had been bracing, easing the tension between them. At the diner table, Belle had been drawn into the warmth between these old friends. She had teamed with Milah in teasing Gold, then fallen silent again as they'd raised a glass to their lost boy, the son who never came home.
Now, she'd let Milah have her place by Gold's side as they all made the silent trek to the cemetery.
Belle felt it was right.
She had no real place here. She had never met Baelfire, never embraced him or called him her friend. She hadn't lost him, she's never mourned the boy. The depth of their sorrow was unimaginable to Belle. She had barely scratched the surface of what had been ripped from them.
She felt compassion for their pain, but the loss was not her own. It never could be.
They reached the gate of the cemetery and continued on, silent. Belle slowed down to allow the gap between them to grow wider, and then she stopped at the church, letting them go on without her.
Let them go. This is theirs.
Together, Gold and Milah crunched their way through the new snow, taking the path to Bae's marker once again. Milah wondered if her pain would ever stop. Yes, she had fallen low in her darkest hour, decades ago, and she'd managed to pick herself back up and make a life for herself across the sea. A new man, whose children had become like her own but who could never, ever, replace the son she'd lost.
The woman knew this sad trek by heart, now. She knew the words on the marker, she knew the small stone engraved with the name of their dog. She knew it all, too well.
She stood beside the man who was once her best friend, her only love and her husband, and she gave a quiet sigh. Milah would give anything, all she had, to go back in time and relive a day with Gold as he'd once been - unmarred, unburdened by injury, back when he'd been whole and healthy, back when she was still beautiful and full of hope, with their son between them.
Baelfire.
Sweet, sweet Bae - the boy who kicked rocks, ran, swam, crawled, climbed and dug though dirt. He'd been a rowdy thing when his father wasn't there to put him in his place; the boy had been unruly at times, always pushing boundaries, testing his limits and trying to prove himself a man, Milah supposed.
She glanced to Gold, hoping that he would turn to her right then to tell her he had some magic, some miracle at his fingertips so they could see their son again...but no.
Gold said nothing, because they would never see Bae again on this side of life and a piece of Milah would always hate Gold for it.
They stood, gloved hands entwined, staring at the marker, eyes unseeing. They could not see the gravestone, the misery for what it was. They could only see Baelfire: the baby, the boy, the man he might have become.
They could have stayed there until their last day, when Baelfire would descend to greet them, but their lives were calling them away. Gold squeezed her fingers and broke the silence. "Same time, same place, next year?"
Milah nodded, blinking back her tears.
"Same time, same place, every year. You promised me."
"We promised each other." Gold jutted his chin toward the gravestone. "We promised him."
She nodded again, agreeing.
They were quiet for a time. Then, "My time here is done, I think. I'm going back."
"Back to the inn?"
"For tonight." Milah glanced behind them, up to the church building where Belle was watching them. "I'm going to leave in the morning."
"Are you sure?" Gold asked her. "You could stay."
She shook her head. "No. It's time."
Gold nodded. He knew Milah wanted to be getting on; she came back to Storybrooke for Bae and to see him, but with Belle here, Milah felt no need to linger. He had someone to look after him now, and she was so glad to see that. It had been impossible to miss the love in their eyes when they'd looked at each other in her room.
Milah turned to look back toward the church, to Belle. "You'll be all right."
Gold followed her eyes. "I hope so. Will you send Belle to me before you go?"
She hesitated, gesturing back toward their son's grave. She remembered all too well how angry he'd been when she had allowed Killian to see Baelfire's stone. This situation was different, she knew, but Gold could be so...possessive of their loss. Though no longer married, Milah felt the urge to protect him, even from his own faults. She didn't want him to react in such a way that would drive Belle away.
"Are you sure you're ready for her to see?"
"I am. It's time." Gold cleared his throat, feeling more focused and clear than he had in weeks. The cloud over his heart was lifting. He could feel he was returning to himself as he did after Milah's every visit. It was cathartic to share memories and speak of Bae with the only other person who had shared his son. "But this isn't about me any more. I love Belle. She deserves to be here with us. So does Killian."
Milah raised a brow at that. "You nearly killed him when I brought him here."
Feeling a flash of smug, Gold remembered all too well how he'd bested the other man. Killian was nearly five years his junior, and bigger than Gold besides, but Gold had a mad temper on his side. They'd had words and then words had escalated to a short fight and then Milah had had a stern discussion with them both. In a way, both Gold and Killian had been put into Bae's shoes when Milah had been in of a mind to scold him.
Truly, the woman could be thunderous.
"I know. I was wrong."
Milah's face brightened. "Can you say that again? I'll need it for posterity."
"I was wrong. The only time in my life, ever, by the way. But I was wrong to try forcing this to stay just between us. Killian and Belle, they're where our futures lie. They deserve to know of our past, starting here."
Milah swiped tears from her eyes.
Gold stepped closer, "Milah, Milah, please don't cry."
"I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm happy."
"Happy? How can you be happy here?" He asked, baffled. Standing before their son's grave, surrounded by death on all sides, how could she find any happiness in this place?
"I'm so glad to see you happy again, love." Milah stepped forward and brought him into her arms, holding him tight. "It's been too long."
"Goodbye, Milah."
Milah kissed his cheek and pressed her forehead to his, just holding him, taking in the moment. They could both feel it - forgiveness and relief and warmth and love, all at once.
They released from the embrace and just looked at each other.
"Goodbye."
Milah turned away and made her way back up the path they'd come. Gold watched her trek up to the church building. With the distance, he could not hear what was said between the women, but he watched as Milah walked away, out of sight, and Belle began her approach to him.
Belle watched from her place near the church doors, arms crossed as she leaned against the railing. She was squinting against the brightness of the day - the sun was reflecting on the fresh snow, hurting her eyes and causing a slight headache, but it wasn't enough to make her turn away.
Gold and Milah had walked on down the main path before diverting down a row of stones. They then dropped out of Belle's line of sight. They remained hidden for some time, allowing Belle's mind to drift.
Her upset at Gold for keeping Milah a secret had faded on meeting the woman. She hadn't given her much thought before, when she'd thought her to have died in the fire. She knew that she and Gold had to have loved each other very much, but knowing now that the woman was alive - seeing her, speaking to her - had changed things.
We'll talk tonight.
Belle blinked herself out of her thoughts once she realized that Milah was approaching her, alone.
"Uh, where's-?"
"He's still down there. Go on, he wants you to see Bae's marker." Milah told her as she moved to walk past.
Belle raised a brow, "Milah, wait. Where are you going?"
"Back to Granny's." She said, the cold pinking her cheeks and making her scars stand out even further against her light skin. She really was a very pretty woman, scars and all. "I'm going to call Killian and it's high time I ate something. He was right, back at the diner."
Belle nodded and dug her hands deeper into the pockets of her jacket. "He usually is. Don't tell him I said that, though, he'd never let me forget it."
Milah smiled, "What, you mean he's smug? Proud? A show-off? No, never that!"
The women laughed, having shared a similar experience with the man.
"Oh, the stories I could tell you, lass." Milah said. "He's a sight more settled now than when I knew him, but back home, back before...all this, he was like fireworks. Just crazy and proud and always up for an adventure. God, he was a wild man, such fun."
"If he was so wild, how did you convince him to settle down?"
Milah shrugged, "Well, you're no green girl, are you? I had to beat him at his own game."
The woman lapsed into a wistful silence, and Belle realized that she wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet.
"You're welcome to come back to the house with us, we can all eat there."
"No. No, I haven't set foot in that house since the night I left him and I'm not going back. Thank you, but no. Being back there...it would be too much, even after all this time. You're sweet to offer that to me, though." She said, placing her hand on Belle's arm to convey her meaning.
"Are you going back after this?"
"Yes. I leave first thing tomorrow morning. Off to Boston for the film and then on home to London. Killian and I have a wedding to plan." Milah tightened her hand on Belle's arm, squeezing her with newfound affection. "I'd like it if you could make it."
"I'd like that too." Belle nodded.
Milah smiled and made to leave, but she stopped and turned back to Belle once more. "Belle. You'll take care of him, won't you?"
Belle met her eyes and nodded to her. "Yes. I'll do my best. I promise."
Milah smiled, her expression suddenly playful and sharp. "Too right, you will. Break his heart and I'll come back to break you."
Belle laughed, "I believe you."
"You should. He was my first love, too. Remember that."
Milah left, and Belle began to follow their tracks in the snow of the cemetery. She kept her eyes on Gold as she made her approach. Snow crunched noisily under her feet and Belle was careful to avoid slipping before the grave markers and weeping angels that looked down upon her.
Her heart thudded heavily in her chest, anxious. She had been wrong to approach Milah alone and she'd reacted terribly to his wife's presence in the first place. He wasn't blameless, of course. Gold should have told her the truth from the start...but with little experience to fall back on, Belle wondered if this was a strange extension of what all relationships entailed: growing pains, learning to trust, sharing painful truths.
Gold straightened his posture as Belle came to stand in front of him, hands planted on the handle of his cane. It was a position of his that Belle knew well. He was expecting her anger and was bracing himself for it, defensive.
They stood, staring at each other, silent.
Gold's jaw worked, and his fingers gripped the handle of his cane so hard his knuckles were turning white. Belle was much the same, fidgeting under his gaze.
"I'm sorry."
Belle blinked at his sudden words, loud on the still air of the graveyard.
"I'm sorry for all of it, Belle. For not telling you about Milah when I first told you about Bae. It was unfair to you and I see how..." Gold cleared his throat as his voice began to tighten and his eyes began to tear, but he did not look away from her. "...how humiliating it must have been for you to find out about her the way you did. I have no excuse for hurting you. Throughout our time together, you've been nothing but open and supportive of me and I've rewarded you with keeping a tighter hold of my past. If I could go back and change things, I would. I would go back to the night I showed you my scars and I would tell you everything. I'm so sorry that I didn't."
Tears were flowing down his cheeks now, a grimace twisting his mouth. Belle didn't like that. His mouth should only ever be telling an interesting story, or kissing her.
Still, she had to know.
"Why couldn't you tell me? After you told me about Bae that first night and then, after, when you'd been to see Dr. Hopper and you would tell me stories about him from your album, why couldn't you tell me about Milah?"
Gold took in a shuddering breath, let his chest deflate slowly as he considered his answer. "Baelfire died because of me."
"No, please, that's not-"
"Belle. If I'd been faster, stronger, if I'd chosen a different place for us to stay or if I'd just chosen a different weekend for our outing, then Bae would still be alive. Nothing you or Milah or God Himself can say will change the truth of that night. It's all my fault."
Belle bit the inside of her cheek, forcibly stifling the scream building in her chest. And God, she did want to scream at him, tear into him for the blame he took onto himself. She hated it. She hated that he carried the guilt, the loathing.
"But Milah didn't die."
"Oh, no. She did. We both did. Our son's death was my failure. Baelfire was one massive failure and I'll own it for the rest of my days. But Milah, she...she was a thousand failures over the course of a year. Every day there was a chance for me to try helping her through what we'd lost and instead I chose to ignore her or hurt her in any way I could. Milah didn't die in the fire and I made her regret it every day. I punished her for living."
"She told me."
"I know she did. It's disgusting, the way I treated her." Gold shook his head. "I was selfish and hateful, blind to everything but my own pain."
"She told me what she did to you, too. The things she said. She's not blameless in this."
"We were horrible to each other, yes. But I was her husband, I should've...Belle, I'd never been so cruel in all my life. The people here, you've heard so many warnings about me, but they have no idea what a monster I can be. I'd had no idea of what a monster I could be...and what's truly horrible is that a part of me enjoyed hurting Milah. I know she enjoyed hurting me too. While we were hurting each other, we weren't thinking about all we'd lost."
"That's awful." Belle said plainly. It was awful. She knew this man as her friend and she'd grown to truly love him. The thought of him being cruel to his wife, and of Milah being cruel to him in turn - the love they'd shared twisting and spoiling into true hatred...yes, it was awful. Truly awful.
"I know it is. I lived it. I didn't want to tell you about Milah because I didn't want to explain how we'd torn into each other after the fire. How we fought, how we just...we absolutely ruined what we'd been to each other, Belle. I couldn't tell you that after I'd already done so much to hurt you."
Belle took a step forward and put her hand over his on the handle of his cane. "What do you mean?"
"When I brought you into my house, I know there was damage to your reputation. I know that once it became known you were living with me, some people stopped visiting the library. I know people heard what your father yelled at you that day in the street, and I know it hurt you to feel that he thought so little of you after everything you've accomplished. As time has gone on, I've only made things worse."
Belle felt her throat constrict. Everything he said was true: her reputation had suffered from what he'd done, but the people Belle cared about knew the truth, they had come to see Gold as she saw him and they'd welcomed him with open arms. Anyone else, those who judged and gossiped - they were just noise.
"Do you mean New York, when everything changed?"
"Yes, when we came back to town the first thing I did was shut you out. Ignored you when you wanted to help, yelled at you in the study and I...I know I scared you that day." Gold said, meaning his rough kiss in the study. He would have taken things further, too far, the state he'd been in. "I had to leave the house, I was just disgusted with myself. I hadn't thought you'd find your way to me at the cabin and then I just, that night I couldn't stop myself and I hurt you and-"
"Stop it!" Belle cried out. She didn't move to embrace him but she tightened her grip over his hand until her own hand ached with the force of it. "I've told you before that you didn't hurt me that night. You didn't. Please, stop saying that. You're not that cruel man from years ago anymore, you're different now and I love you - can't you see that?"
"Belle." He brought his other hand over hers. "I'm the only reason you've cried in the last year. I love you so much, I do, please believe that...I love you and I'm terrified I'll ruin you, too." He confessed. He loved this woman before him and he'd loved his wife but given the space of a year, he'd put both women through hell.
Belle shook her head. "It's only when you've kept secrets, that's what's hurt me. I still want you, but I need you to trust me the way I trust you. Fully, completely. I know what you've been through. I understand why it was so impossible for you to tell me about your son, until I'd pushed you to it. I...I can understand why you didn't mention Milah. You wanted to tell me the truth in your own way, that's all you've ever wanted. I wish you would have been able to."
"If I could go back, I would change what I did. I'm so sorry, Belle."
Belle pressed her lips together, then took in a deep breath and looked down to the marker. "This is it. Bae's grave."
Gold looked down to the stone, the simple words Milah had chosen to describe all their son had been.
Baelfire Neal Gold
Beloved Son & Friend to All
"Yes. Milah made the arrangements for him while I was in the coma."
Belle's hand tightened over his once more, her gloved thumb stroking over his knuckles. "Did you want it to say something different?"
Gold swallowed, shrugged. "There isn't enough space for all I would have wanted it to say. I never imagined I'd have needed to plan for my son's headstone. It should have been the other way around."
Belle had nothing to say to that. They stood, silent, eyes unseeing before the grave marker.
After a time, Belle tugged at his sleeve. "Let's go home."
Their walk back to his house was made in silence, their pace steady and only slowed when Regina passed them in her car. She'd slowed in the street and slid down her window for a wave and a chat, but on seeing their tired, tear-stained faces, Storybrooke's mayor chose to drive on without a word.
Belle stopped in the foyer to hang her coat in the front closet while the man shuffled off toward his bedroom.
Gold shrugged out of his jacket, letting it fall to the floor, and tumbled face first into his bed. He didn't bother about his cane or his tie or his shoes; he simply tipped into bed and fell asleep, emotionally wrung out, drained.
Just before he slipped off, he felt a warm weight settle itself into the bed at his side.
His sleep was black and empty. No sweet dreams, no bitter nightmares.
It was the rest his weary soul had craved.
When he woke, Gold found himself alone. He sighed, thinking that Belle might have gone back to her apartment.
Had he pushed her too far? Strained her trust to breaking?
He sat and took a deep breath, resolving to find her.
I'll find you, Belle. I'll find you and beg that you take me back.
Yes.
Gold stood and moved into the bathroom, a plan forming. He would shower, shave, dress and head straight to Belle - beg and plead for her to return to the house with him...and if that didn't work, he'd revert to his bastard self and command her to return to him under the threat of his stripping the library of all funding.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Gold got up and headed into the shower. He closed his eyes and let the hot water course over him, the hard pressure beating into his scalp and over the muscles of his back. So engrossed in the punishing spray and his preoccupied thoughts of what he would say to Belle, the man jumped and yelped out, startled when he felt hands on his lower waist.
He spun and turned to see Belle, naked and pink from the heat already.
"Belle! I thought you left."
"No. I want to be here with you."
Gold surprised them both when he swept the woman into his arms, hugging her tight. "I love you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He told her, again and again, between kisses of gratitude over her cheeks, forehead and the crown of her head.
To his infinite relief and joy, Belle hugged him back, content in his arms.
"I know you are. I'm sorry too, I should have listened instead of pushing you away, I shouldn't have gone to see Milah, I should have waited."
"Oh, Belle, I-"
The man's words were captured by Belle's lips as she tipped her head up to kiss him. Her lips were warm, welcoming. Gold kissed her with his whole aching heart, seeking forgiveness and the haven she offered him here.
Soon, too soon, her lips left his and she dropped soft kisses down his jaw and throat. Gold felt a spike of lust but it was lost in the tide of comfort she was giving rise to. Gold held Belle against him, feeling that, after yesterday, the night he'd spent away from home and today, what he needed from her now more than anything else was just a hug.
Belle held him too, thankful for everything they had together. He wasn't upset with her, and after speaking with Milah Belle couldn't find it in herself to be upset with him. Had this been a different situation, Gold might have warned her against her soft heart but here he was, benefitting from it once again.
"Here, let me."
Gold opened his eyes when Belle pulled away, "Hmm?"
The woman reached for his soap; a shower gel she'd bought for him, a selfish gift because she absolutely loved the scent. She squeezed the gel onto a loofah (another of her gifts that had had Gold rolling his eyes, until she had volunteered to share a shower and use it on him - at her tempting suggestion, his eyes had grown dark and hungry within seconds) and began to lather over his right arm.
First his hand, then his forearm and up to his shoulder. Belle went on soaping him, smirking to see his face looking so serene as his eyes closed and his head tipped back. She moved the loofah over his exposed throat and then his chest and stomach before moving up to attend his left arm.
Belle stepped around him to wash his back, her eyes widening on seeing his scars flushed from the heat of the water. It made the marks stand out even more, much in the way that Milah's scars had seemed so much more prominent from being out in the cold earlier that day.
She shook her head and brought the loofah over his back, watching as the suds sluiced over the uneven skin. Belle kissed the back of his neck and guided him to stand centered under the spray to rinse. Gold brought her close to him again, hugging his love tight. His voice was soft, she could barely hear him above the shower. "Thank you, Belle."
Belle shook her head and kissed his cheek. "Will you do me?" The man raised a brow but Belle swatted his arm, right on the tattoo. "The loofah!"
"As milady commands." He joked, taking it from her. He mirrored her actions, squeezing gel into the loofah netting. "So long as you don't mind smelling like a man."
Belle shrugged, unbothered. "Smelling like a clean man until my next shower isn't the end of the world. Will you get my hair, too?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Belle thanked him with a kiss to the lips, and then gave over to let him attend her body. Gold took her hand and began with her right arm, as she had with him. He stroked the loofah up and down the length of her arm, covering her skin in the scented white suds. He coated her throat in bubbles and then moved down, circling the loofah over her breasts, watching them flush and tighten at the touch. The man was tempted to take her, right there in the shower, but he kept control; Belle had asked him to wash her, nothing more. He washed her other arm, then turned her so that he could wash her back.
He stepped aside to let the water fall over her body, the suds coming down to reveal clean, pink skin underneath. Gold kissed her shoulders and then reached for his shampoo.
This was a new intimacy for him, sharing the shower. His scars had prevented him from taking that step before, and sharing a bath that first time with Belle hadn't greatly endeared him to it. Still, what they were doing here, cleansing each other...he could grow to appreciate this.
He worked a lather into Belle's hair and then let her rinse herself, not wanting to risk the shampoo running into her eyes.
He stood and watched as she arched her back, tipping her head back under the spray. Her eyes closed, face calm, skin pink from the heat.
Beautiful.
Belle finished and cut off the water, then stepped out of the shower, returning a moment later having wrapped a towel about herself and handing another towel over to him. Gold nodded his thanks and began to pat himself dry as Belle watched. "Will you wait in the room for me?"
"Aye."
Belle ducked out of the bathroom, disappearing into his bedroom and then out of sight.
Gold sighed, feeling a strange mix of contentment and anxiety.
Belle knew it all, now. He had no more secrets to hide, but there was still more for them to say. Things that had to be said, things he truly wanted to tell her. He felt open and light.
Seeing Milah, remembering Baelfire and the comfort Belle gave him was lifting his spirit. He was coming out of the dark that the winter brought over him but this time things were different, he could feel it.
It was all down to Belle, he knew.
Gold pulled on a gray t-shirt and a pair of flannel lounge pants, then sat on the edge of his bed to wait and hope.
Belle shouldered open the bedroom door and saw Gold inside, waiting on her. He had his back to her as he looked out the window to the snow blanketing the world outside. He turned around to look at her and saw the tray she held, the sandwich, the teacups, cut fruit and biscuits atop it.
"What's all this?" He asked as Belle moved to join him on the bed with the tray between them.
"You have to eat. Have you had anything since before yesterday?"
Gold propped pillows up against the headboard for her, and thought on her question. He never ate on the anniversary of Bae's death, and he hadn't eaten anything since that morning. "Henry made breakfast this morning."
"Oh. I'd wondered where you'd disappeared to last night, after..."
He reached to the tray and took a blackberry. "It wouldn't have been right to stay with Milah or over at your apartment."
"You could have booked your own room at Granny's, they can always use the extra money."
"I didn't want to get the gossip going again." Gold said, then reached for a grape. "Besides, Regina's door is always open to me. We're close to family."
"Right. You've always been close." Belle acknowledged.
She chose not to mention the light rumors around Storybrooke that he was secretly Henry's father, the boy being the product of some illicit power-hungry affair between Gold and their alluring mayor.
"Closer than close. Once upon a time she was nearly my stepdaughter and I've always been in Henry's life."
"Always?" Belle asked. She took an orange wedge and an apple slice from the bowl.
"Yes. I was there before he was born. I helped look after Regina during her pregnancy, but the birthing..." Gold made an uncomfortable face. "That's the women's work, so I stayed in the waiting room until Cora came out to get me. She brought me into the room and they introduced me to the little man."
This surprised her. "I knew you and Regina were close, but I guess I hadn't realized. You really are family, aren't you?"
"Yes."
Gold reached for a cookie and was content to munch as Belle absorbed things.
"After Cora returned home, I took Regina under my wing. It worked, for a time. Regina and Henry stayed here while she commuted to Sunshire for school so that we could take turns caring for the baby. But then he started to call me 'Dada' and I couldn't take it. Regina chose to move out; we didn't want to overcomplicate things. From there we still remained close - closer than anyone would suspect, given the volume of our disagreements nowadays." He smiled wryly at this.
"What did she do after she left?"
"She moved into one of the buildings I'd bought and though we both took some distance I still looked over her and the boy. She worked to get Henry to call me 'Go' until he was old enough to address me properly. Familiar?"
Belle sipped at the tea and nodded. What he told her made a strange sort of sense. "All you've done for her...it's very kind."
Gold frowned and shook his head. "I saw something in that bossy, spoiled girl and I wanted her to achieve so much...and she did, with my guidance. God, but I've been so selfish with her."
"How do you mean?"
"I'm not a good man. Even while she was just getting started in her career, I could see a way to gaining more power in Storybrooke, through her, when the time was right." Gold looked away from Belle for a moment, but then he found his courage and looked back to her. She looked back at him, expectant. "Regina originally wanted to study poetry. Poetry! Can you imagine? I took the hard line with her, demanded she change her major to something more...I called it 'rewarding' but what I meant was 'more useful' to us both. A mind like hers, she liked the romantic idea of becoming a poet but I recognized something in her - a need for approval, a want for power. So I coaxed her, nudged her here and there, until she pursued the path I'd laid out for her. I ensured she'd have a secure future in Storybrooke for her and her son, but at the same time I used her gratitude and care for me to get what I wanted."
Belle could see what he was doing, once more showing her the side that the whole of town had warned her against - Mr. Gold the cunning villain who benefitted from his every deal. However, if Belle were to ask Regina, she had no doubt that the woman had been in control of her life from the outset - Gold might have seen an opportunity but ultimately he had mentored and supported a young, single mother into a position that would have otherwise been impossible to attain.
"I did the same thing with you, Belle. I know you can see that. When I took you into my house it was because I wanted you for myself. I knew no other man would come near you while you lived with me." Gold told her.
Belle shook her head. "You think I wanted another man. It was always you."
Gold leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. "Even if there had been another man, I still would have kept you with me and found a way to drive him away. That's how much of a bastard I can be."
Belle leaned up to kiss his forehead. She didn't know why he felt the need to remind her of his darker sides. She knew all too well. She'd seen it for herself, lived through it and loved him still. Did the man think he was the only one capable of being manipulative? It was all too human. Belle had indulged her own bad side during her younger years - she'd been a manipulative, vindictive, lying little monster whose exploits had gone far beyond normal teenage rebellion.
Gold was obeying her edict for trusting her with everything he was - for better, for worse, the truth of him.
Belle kissed his forehead again, then his lips. "Stop. I care about you. And at the heart of it, you are good man, Mr. Gold. If you weren't then you would have put me on my knees that first night."
Gold reared up, indignant. "I would never-!"
"-I know, and that's how I know you're good. What you went through was awful and for a very dark time in your life, it made you awful too. You and Milah both, but you're not bad people." She told him, stroking his hair.
"Belle...I had to make some sort of peace once I realized that they were never coming back. I built walls inside of me, buried myself in work and pushed people away. It worked on everyone but you." Gold nudged her foot with his, a small smile touching his lips.
Belle didn't pull away from his touch. She nudged his foot right back with her own. "I understand it now, why you wanted this big house, it was for your son to grow up here."
"Yes. I wanted to give him everything I could, everything a boy deserved. A big house in a safe neighborhood, a yard to play in. For all the good it did, in the end." He finished, sighing. Gold had no appetite but he took a bite of the sandwich she'd made.
"I'm so sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry."
"I know it doesn't do any good, but I am sorry. This was a family home once, but it's been you for such a long time."
Gold shrugged and nudged her foot again. "I'm not so lonely anymore."
Belle's jaw worked, and she hesitated before asking a question that had long been on her mind. "Since you told me about Bae and about your...well, about the way your life used to be, I've wanted to know...I'm sorry, this is difficult-"
"Belle, you can ask me questions. I was holding so much back from you and it wasn't fair. Please, ask me anything - I won't have any more secrets from you." Gold told her, trying to reassure. He was telling her the truth, he truly wanted to share with her, anything she asked.
"It's just...the night that Gracie came into the room while we were, ah, cuddling-"
"Cuddling?"
"-or, about to start cuddling," Belle reached over and pinched his arm. "You said that you and Milah wanted to make a sister for him. Were you two hoping for a big family?"
"Well, when we bought the house...yes, we wanted to fill this place up with children." He told her, thinking back to his younger self, the hopes he'd had, the little girls he'd promised to Milah. "My wife...Baelfire was our life, but we were trying for more children. We wanted a girl, and I would have loved a daughter, but Bae was all mine, my little mate. We would always joke that I would give Milah all the daughters she could want, so long as I had the boy at my side. We had been trying...we might have made a girl, but it all went away before we knew for sure."
Belle reached over and took his hand, lacing her fingers with his and squeezing him tight. She couldn't tell Milah's secret, not now. She would keep it, carry the burden for what it was: the punishment for overstepping where she'd had no right.
No. I won't give him another tragedy to blame himself for.
Belle smoothed her hair back, off her face. "Can I ask about Milah, how you met her, how it all started between you?"
He smiled, his eyes going distant for a moment. "Oh. It's been years since I've told anyone about her. Milah, she...we met in school, back in Glasgow."
"She was your high school sweetheart?"
"No, no, we didn't start out that way. We were close friends for years before things took that turn, she was my mate before she was my woman. We knew each other for years before marrying, and Bae came shortly after that."
"What was she like? Other than all the low-cut tops, I mean." Belle teased.
Gold realized she was referring to the exchange he'd shared with Milah in her room that morning. It must have been moments after Milah had told Belle of how their marriage, everything they'd shared, had fallen apart.
"You heard us joking about that?"
"I heard enough to know why you first wanted to talk to her: cleavage and soccer. At least you had your priorities straight."
Gold shrugged, laughing at himself a bit now. "Those are the priorities of every young Scottsman, believe me. But Milah, she was athletic, competitive. She made everything more fun. We played football after class, sometimes we'd skip out of school to grab an ice cream or a pint and kick about at the pier. She was artistic and when she wasn't playing football or running track she was always done up. Her hair and makeup, the whole lot."
"Sounds like a dreamgirl." Belle remarked.
"Well, her boyfriend at the time seemed to think so."
Belle's eyes widened. "She had a boyfriend while she was skipping out with you?"
"Not for long. Clearly I was the better choice." Gold said smugly.
"Clearly." She rolled her eyes.
"After school we stayed close and...one thing lead to another...I don't even remember how we moved from mates to more than that, we just fell into it so easily." Gold blinked himself out of those memories. "She became a makeup artist for a city theater, even worked on a few local television productions. Before the baby she was a rep for some cosmetics agency and she did very well there."
Throughout his story, Belle had set the tray aside and moved closer to him, resting against his chest, still clasping his hand in her own.
"She was very brave to go back to cosmetics after the, you know, her scars." Belle said. If she'd been in Milah's shoes, she doubted that she would have had the courage to return to an industry that was based solely on a woman's appearance.
"I thought so too. On any other day with all she can do with the lotions and the powders and all, you'd never even know she had a flaw. But she keeps her face bare when she comes back here. For years I thought she was doing it to punish me, you know, force me to see her scars and know I caused them. I've come to understand that she keeps her face bare for herself, to fully face her past." Gold said, bringing his arms around Belle to hold her closer.
"You miss her." Belle said plainly. It was not a jealous accusation or a sneer against him. She was only trying to understand his feelings.
"I do." Gold stroked up and down her back. "Sometimes. Yes, I do miss her. I miss my friend, the way she was when we were happy. We argued, like any pair. Always over the little, stupid things. But I loved her enough that there was no one else I would have rather argued with. After she left, I missed everything about her, even our stupid, pointless bickering over whose turn it was to pick up milk from the shop."
Belle leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"They were everything to me, Belle. I made my peace with what happened as best I could, and tried to have relationships over the years, thinking I was ready to try again, but..."
"You weren't ready." She supplied.
"No. And you know, the strange part of it was that Milah wanted me to start again, she even met Cora and Regina once and she liked them for me. She gave me a right slap and told me to get on with it, that they could be my second chance. But I knew it wasn't right. I couldn't go through with it." Gold confessed.
Belle took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "Regina's mother. It's so strange to think that you might have been Regina's stepfather."
Gold chuckled. "It's not that strange, I practically am already. I'm certainly the only father Henry has ever known. I cared for Cora very much, and Regina too, but I was selfish with her. I needed a rival to distract me so I built one in Regina."
Belle laughed at that, "You created a monster!"
"There are days I would be sure to agree." Gold said, and he kissed her forehead. "I wasn't in love with Cora, I knew I wasn't and I couldn't marry her when she deserved better, a man who could love her with his whole heart. I wasn't ready to take that step."
Belle cleared her throat. "And Regina? If you ended your relationship with Cora, then how did Regina come to know about your past?"
"Oh. Well, after I broke from Cora, Regina came round to my house, demanding answers."
Belle remembered all too well how demanding Regina had been with her the day they'd returned from New York. "Yes, she sure has that habit."
"Yes. She'd ridden her bike all the way here from her mother's house on the other side of Storybrooke, pounded on the front door until I let her inside. She refused to be treated like a child, she wanted to know everything...if I hadn't been drinking, then I wouldn't have told her any of it, but she caught me at the bottom of a bottle and though I didn't tell her everything, I told her enough that she understood my reasons, or as best she could at that age. After that, I spoke with Cora and I promised I would be there for anything she or Regina needed."
"You've kept that promise."
"I've done my best. Cora and I were able to remain on good terms though she was disappointed that I couldn't move forward with her. Rather than stepfather and husband, I became a family friend. I think friendship was the best thing for all of us, in the end." Gold reflected.
Belle shook her head. "Your heart was broken, but not beyond repair."
"No. I could move on but I never felt that there was much for me to move on to. I didn't think I could love that way again. Until you became more than just the librarian, you came into my shop and you became my friend. And then, again, for the first time in so long, I wanted more."
"You had a funny way of showing that." Belle said wryly and she tickled his ribs.
Gold squirmed away, "Oh? You mean men don't kidnap the birds they like these days?"
"You didn't exactly keep me locked in a tower, but no. That's not how men usually show interest." Belle teased him, rolling onto her stomach beside him in the bed while he remained reclined, sitting up against the headboard to face her.
"You're right, I should have sent a tweet or some message through Snapchat, Vine or Instagram, would that have been better?"
Belle bit her tongue - how did Gold know about those apps? Belle didn't even have accounts with them! "Uh, that's the other extreme. The world wouldn't have exploded if you'd just said you wanted to take me to dinner. I would have said yes."
Her words were too true, Belle would have thrilled to join Gold for dinner...but while this winding, bizarre path they'd taken to love hadn't been easy, it had been wholly and completely theirs.
"I wanted to ask you, but I was warned off by one thing or another. It seemed every time I wanted to touch the subject, someone would interrupt. It's a miracle I managed to ask you out for that day in Sunshire." Gold remarked, thinking back on all the interruptions at his shop - tenants, Regina, even baby Grace. He ought to have just locked the door right behind Belle when she stepped into the shop and asked her to dinner. So much time they'd wasted.
Belle dipped her head, laughing at him, "Oh, please, you took me to a warehouse first! You said the only reason you had to go to Sunshire in the first place was for your work."
"I thought it was a brilliant cover." Gold grinned, his first true smile that day.
"It was. I mean, it worked, didn't it?" Belle reached to him, taking his hand and pressing his palm to her cheek. "You got me in the end, Mr. Gold."
Gold reached for her, pulling her in close and nuzzling her throat. "I'm so glad to hear that, Miss French."
The man held her, and grew serious, all their teasing aside. "I love you Belle, I love you. I do. You're not just my friend or my second chance, you're...I know I've hurt you and I don't deserve your forgiveness, but if you do choose to stay with me, then this could be the love you deserve, I just need time."
Belle hugged him in close, her heart swelling, aching for him. He had been through so much, and so much of it had risen to the fore this year and shattered the careful boundaries he'd built over the years.
Given all he'd suffered and how she loved him, Belle wouldn't let his past ruin what they had now. She had terms. Gold would not hide himself from her any longer, he would put his trust in her and Belle would give her all for him. This is what love was: forgiveness, trust and warmth.
She leaned forward to him and kissed his lips, just once, softly.
"I love you. I'll give you all the time you need."
