Hello again! I realized the last chapter was #50! Wow, you guys are freaking amazing for sticking with me and encouraging me through 50 chapters. I still can't believe it!

Shout out to Emma Winchester 424 for both co-writing this and helping edit it afterward. She's amazing!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this two-part emotional story. I definitely need to write some fluff after this one, haha. Suggestions welcome!

Read, review, but most importantly, ENJOY!


She had hoped he would just understand what she meant instead of forcing her to say it. So, she summed it up in just one word. "Live?"

Dean rolled his jaw around for a second. "I don't." He knocked on the bar again, ordering another whiskey.

Kate mimicked his gesture knocking on the table and subtly shook her head. "Not true." Because Dean was living. He had a job. A wife and kid. A new truck. He was happy, at least smiling every day. He was living and she hated seeing it every day because she was so lost and left sulking around the house.

"Kate- I'm just going through the motions. I don't...I don't know...how to function. I just know how to fake it." He threw the rest of his drink in his mouth like it was water, trying to wash down all the emotions with it.

However, she swirled her liquid around, unable to bring herself to drink it. His words flew around her mind over and over as she processed it. Finally, she rested her glass on the counter and turned to him. "You know you don't have to fake it with me." Her eyes stared at him, analyzing his reaction.

He still couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. "Kate- you're the reason I fake it. I want you to try to get back to normal life. You have the best shot out of..." He was about to say "out of the three of us." He stumbled over his words. "...the best shot between the two of us."

Kate's eyes diverted back to her glass as a wave of tears pricked her eyes. She quickly threw back the rest of the drink and the tears disappeared. "I...I don't think I can do it, Dean. There's just no such thing as normal for us. I have no life to get back to. I lost it. I lost HIM."

He knotted his hands together on top of the bar. "I know, kid. I did too." He knocked on the bar again. "But Kate- you gotta try. You gotta find something. Your story isn't over yet."

Dean's steady stream of whiskey wasn't going unnoticed by Kate. She mentally made a note to swipe the keys before they leave. "And who says your story is over? You have a family. An actual family. You have someone to bitch to about me. When you were taking for-fucking-ever, I wanted to complain to someone and I…" Almost texted Sam...but she couldn't voice the words. "I didn't have anyone."

He sensed Sam's name in her unspoken words, and his heart burned inside of him, reigniting the hollow ache that had been there for the past month. He turned to her. "Hold up. You are my actual family. Kate- you're all I have left. Lisa- Ben- they're great, don't get me wrong. But it's always been us Winchesters together, against the world. Since when does that change?" He took a deep breath, forcing himself to say the words that he's not been able to say. He knew he had to get them out- for his baby sister's sake. "Look- Sam is gone. And I know that's eating both of us alive. But Kate- if you think for one second that means that I'm letting go of you, then you got another thing coming." He downed half of his next drink.

She took a moment to let the words sink in and they hit her hard. Like touched her soul and made it reignite with this longing for things to be like they were before-when it really was just the both of them, when Sam was just away at college. Not locked away in hell. "I know you'll never let me go. You've always made that pretty damn clear." She half chuckled. "But I don't know if I can do this, Dean. Live with Ben and Lisa, the whole nine yards of white picket fences. We moved here the day after S- after it happened. I just, I need time. Don't you?"

Dean looked down at the glass between his hands. He rolled it between his palms for a while, not answering. When he finally did answer, it was so low that it was barely audible. "I can't take time." He added even lower, "I'm scared to take time."

When the word 'scared' came out of his mouth, she didn't even know what to think for a moment. That word had never been in her big brother's vocabulary and it was almost concerning now that she had heard it. It caused her heart to physically ache more than it already had. She took a moment before replying with the softness of a child asking a question. "Why are you scared?"

He ran his tongue along the bottom row of his teeth before answering. He still couldn't bring himself to look at her. "Because if I take time, then it will hit me. There's no way around that. It will hit me that S...that he's gone. And I'm not ready for that. I'll never be ready for that. So, I fake it. I pretend that life is normal, just hoping that I can fool myself." As if to burn away those last words, he finished off his drink, banging his glass onto the bar hard, hoping the sound would also diminish the truth in his words. He closed his eyes for a minute. "But it's not too late for you. You could still come out of this okay."

She turned to face him as his words cut her deep...it was the first real confession she'd heard from him in a very long time, but his last words didn't sit well with her. "You've got to be kidding me. Come out of this okay? When has that ever happened, Dean? I've been down this road before...multiple times. And I don't...I don't come out okay." Because she'd lost Sam and her father…and even her eldest brother before. This wasn't her first time to this painful rodeo.

"You will. I won't let you fall."

"But what if I want to fall? Giving up is much easier, you know." She held up her hand to stop what was about to come out of his mouth. "And don't give me that bullshit about how Winchesters never give up. Because I don't freaking care."

Dean's eyes widened in surprise. "What do you mean, you don't care?"

"I don't care about anything Dean. I don't care to get a job or go to school. I don't care to make any plans or to leave the house. I just can't find the energy to care about what comes next. How can you?" She called over the bartender quickly and asked for whatever they have on tap...she needed to stay away from the hard stuff if she was going to get Dean home okay. He had been hitting the whiskey harder than she'd seen him do in a long time on a night out.

"Because I care about you, alright? That's how I find the energy to care." He knocked on the bar again.

And she was immediately on the defense. "So, you're saying I don't care about you, is that it? I'm living in a white house with you and your half wife and kid. I care about you. More than you know, Dean. But I just don't give a shit about myself." She turned to him. "I'm sure you can relate." Because she knew her brother—she knew he didn't give two shits about himself. He never had. It was always Katie and Sammy in front of himself.

"I'm not saying that, captain over sensitive. I know you care about me. But you're right. I do know what it's like to not give a shit about yourself. Which is exactly why you need to start giving a shit about yourself." He took the drink from the bartender. The glass didn't even touch the bar before it was already emptied.

She watched him down the glass without a second thought and it started to trigger the warning bells in the back of her mind. "You wanna slow it down a little?"

"You gonna start giving a shit about yourself?" He gave her the side eye.

"I don't make promises I can't keep."

He turned and looked straight at her for the first time. "And neither do I." He downed the next shot in one.

There was a long pause between the two of them. She looked away and reached down the bar to grab a small bowl of peanuts, putting it between the two of them. She popped a handful of them in her mouth. Finally, after a while, she asked, "Hey Dean?" It was the same question she'd asked all throughout her life. One that let him always know that there was no way to anticipate what was coming next.

He couldn't help but grin at the familiarity. "Yes, Kate?"

"I think I need to go," she confessed.

His face was a perfectly blank mask. "Go where?"

She took a slow sip of her beer, getting enough liquid courage to reply. "Away from here."

His face didn't change. "Where would you go."

Her eyes aimlessly scanned the drinks lining the back of the bar. "I don't know. Anywhere but here." She couldn't meet his eyes because she had no idea how he was going to react.

Dean didn't move. He was gripping the glass between his hands so tightly, his knuckles were threatening to burst through his skin. "When do you want to leave." None of his questions were in the form of question. They were coming out in blank statements as he slowly felt the emptiness inside him growing.

"I'm not sure. Soon? I mean I haven't thought out the entire plan yet...I just know that being here, it's just, it's not helping anything." She finally turned and searched his face for any kind of reaction.

However, his face was completely impassive, but his brain was going ninety miles a minute. Finally, after about two minutes of him not moving a muscle, he knocked back the rest of his drink. "Okay. We leave tomorrow morning."

The two minutes of silence were pure torture for her. Her mind had been racing with all the possible outcomes of this conversation and just what her plan would actually be to leave. But his response? That was the last thing she was expecting. She reached out and touched his forearm gently. "Dean, I don't need you to come with me."

"Too bad." He caught the bartender's eye and signaled for the check. "I'm going to have to sleep this off, but then we leave first thing in the morning."

Her heart started to pick up a little. This wasn't going as planned. She signaled the bartender to forget his request...no check yet. "Dean, wait, no." She couldn't get the words out properly. "You need to stay here-with Lisa and Ben. I just, need to take some time to myself."

He stared at her for a second, pissed that she cancelled the check. "Not gonna happen. You can have your own motel room- I'll give you that. But that's it, you hear me?"

She motioned for the bartender to bring him another whiskey. Maybe if she got him even more liquored up, he would just give up and agree to her idea...or it could have quite the opposite effect. You never knew with Dean. But it was a chance she was willing to take. "Dean, your place is HERE. I don't belong here. Lisa and Ben aren't mine...there's nothing here for me. I need a break. A break far away from this place, you understand, don't you?" There was an underlying tone of pleading.

"So, we'll go to freaking Alaska." His eyes narrowed as the bartender set another whiskey down in front of him.

"What part of alone aren't you understanding?" There was an underlying tone of frustration mounting in her voice.

His eyes narrowed even further. He pointed a finger in her face. "You're not going anywhere alone. End of discussion." He signaled to the bartender again for the check, refusing to acknowledge the full tumbler of whiskey in front of him.

She was taken back by his tone. She grabbed onto his arm. "De, come on. You don't belong with me anymore. When you...you died, I went off on my own. He let me. Why can't you?" It had been different when Dean died—he was almost the glue for the Winchester family. Sam and Kate had drifted apart after he'd gone to hell. Kate went off on her own, needing her space, before she ended up at Bobby's until Dean came back. And boy, he wasn't happy when he found out.

"Because it was a stupid move on his part. We stay together. That's what family does, Kate." He withdrew a couple bills from his wallet and slammed them down on the bar, clearly impatient for the check.

She quickly saw his growing impatience. "Will you settle down?" When he gave her The Eye, she sighed. "Dean, you gotta let me go. And I am going." There was a sheer look of determination on her face before she added with hints of defiance, "You can't stop me."

"The hell I can't. What part of 'family' isn't coming out in English, Kate?! Why can't you get it through your head that we stick together, huh?!" His voice grew louder.

Her tone matched his, not caring that some curious eyes were drawn to their drama. "I'm not your family anymore. You got a new one. What part of that can't you get through your fucking skull?! Accept it, Dean. Accept. It."

He froze at hearing her words before dropping his voice. "What the hell do you mean 'You're not my family anymore'?! What's that supposed to mean?" His eyes dilated in panic.

"It means you have Lisa. She's practically your wife. And Ben? He's your fucking kid and we all know it. Those two? That's your new family. And it's okay. You're allowed to have more than one. And you know what? S—." She took a deep breath to force the next word out. "Sam was right. You're better off with them. They can be your new family. And me? I need to just go figure things out for myself. Do you hear me?"

Dean just stared at her. The combination of her words and the whiskey was too much for him. He seized the glass, heaved it at the backwall, where it exploded in a shower of glass shards and alcohol. He then stormed outside, ignoring the bartender and every other patron who was yelling at him.

Kate stared in complete shock at what just happened. She didn't move for the longest time until finally she could feel everyone's eyes on her. She quickly grabbed her jacket, placed a crumbled up bill on the counter to cover the glass and apologized profusely as she was out the door. It didn't take long for her to spot Dean walking in the parking lot. She jogged to catch up and went around in front of him to use her arms to stop him from continuing on as they faced each other. "What the hell, Dean?!"

He didn't even look at her. He shoved her arms to the side and kept walking right past her, never turning around. The alcohol he'd consumed in a short time was taking over his body and mind, mixed with the raw emotional state he was still in. He was no longer in control. "You wanna go? Go. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

And again, Kate was left speechless. She had known it'd get ugly, but nothing like this. She saw herself eventually convincing him to let her go and they'd part on decent terms for just a little while...but this? This she couldn't stomach. The one person left in her life was pissed beyond words and she couldn't take it. Kate jogged up beside him and there was a mix of confusion and anger in her voice. "What the hell is wrong with you, Dean?"

And that made him stop in his tracks. He looked at her incredulously. "What the hell is wrong with ME?! With me." He laughed- a mixture of anger and disbelief. "Once again, your logic is ass backwards. Like usual." He spread his arms and Kate could see how glossed-over his eyes were. "What. What else do you wanna take from me? Huh? You need a car? Here." He fished his keys out of his jacket pocket and tossed them at her feet. "There. We good?" And without waiting for an answer, he turned and walked away again.

Kate was at a complete loss. She'd never seen her brother in this state before...never treat her like this. She watched as he continued to walk away until her mind finally snapped back into place. After quickly picking up the keys, she ran after him and from the side, giving him a harsh shove that made him stumble. "Taken from you? What the fuck have I taken from you?! I've done nothing but GIVE to you. You wanted this damn apple pie life with your new family? I gave that to you Dean! I'm letting you have that. I'm bowing out and leaving so you can HAVE that. So. Tell. Me." She gave him a shove in the chest with each word. "What exactly have I taken from you."

Dean stopped in shock. He couldn't believe what she was saying. "You think I WANT this apple pie life?! Being tied down, going to soccer games, watching wheel of fortune, Sunday dinners?! No, Kate. I did this because it's what Sam wanted. It's what you wanted. You think I don't know how miserable you've been? Do you honestly think I don't see it- see that you hate hunting? Of course I fucking see it. You wanted out of this life a long time before Sam went into that damned Box. So I gave you what you wanted. I gave Sam what he wanted. All I ever wanted was to keep our family together. But that's not good enough for you, is it? No. You need to divorce yourself from me, completely. Fine. If that's what you want, then fine. I'm done trying to hold on to this family, when every move I make just drives every single one of you further away. I'm done trying to keep what I need, 'cause clearly it ain't what's best for everyone. So go. Call at Christmas. If you can be bothered to remember." He turned and walked away again, clearly unable to walk in a straight line.

Kate stood there completely dumbfounded. Hot, sharp tears prickled her eyes. She'd been so caught up in her own grief that she failed to realize everything that was going on with Dean. He put on such a good show that she had been convinced he actually wanted to embrace this new life, instead of doing it as a self-sacrifice for what he thought she wanted. Her lips fumbled a few times with words until finally she was able to call out, "Dean, come back!" When he showed no indication of stopping, she yelled with desperation and tears in her voice. "Please!"

And he hated himself for it-but he stopped. She said "Please." That meant she needed something. And since the day that either of them was born, whenever Sam or Kate needed something, every fiber of Dean's being became about giving them what they needed. So despite the fact that it felt like he was being dragged over red hot razor blades, he stopped. But he didn't turn around. He was trying to get a grip on himself for her sake. He waited for her.

Kate was genuinely shocked that he actually stopped. It took her a moment before she believed it happened and once she did, she started walking slowly toward him. "Dean...you have to stop this..." Her voice was gentle, like she was afraid to speak too loudly or harshly and it would break the fragile ice she was skating on.

He spun around, immediately ready for another go. "Stop what? Huh? Stop caring about you? Stop giving a damn about trying to keep you safe? Stop pretending that everything's peachy keen on White Picket Fence Lane? What? What do you want?" The intensity behind the question began to open up a crack in his demeanor, slightly. Kate could see that there was something behind it, but she didn't know exactly what it was.

She kept her tone light, not knowing what was really going on inside that head of his. "I want you to stop caring about what I want and start caring about what YOU want."

"Yeah? Well, what I want gets people killed. Or running away. So I'm not too keen on what I want at the moment." He dropped his head, his hands on his hips. The next part came out very quietly. "But if you want to go...then go. I'm not going to stop you. If that's what's best for you...if that's what you need..." He turned away from her. His voice was perfectly even, but she couldn't see his face. "Then that's what I want."

And that was what she wanted to hear…him to be okay with her leaving, but those words didn't even process because she was still caught up on the first part and it was breaking her heart into pieces just imagining the look on his face. "What are you talking about? What do you want that gets people killed, Dean? Why can't you just be honest with me for once!" It wasn't a question but a frustrated statement. "I'm your sister. I'm the only one you got left and you think you have to put on this game face and go through the motions, doing everything you THINK I want...but why can't you just tell me what you want?" She reached out and gently touched his upper arm. "I'm not going to leave you-not forever anyway."

At hearing those words, a single tear slipped down his cheek. "Yeah. That's what Sam said. And he's dead. I just wanted to stop the Apocalypse. I wanted to make the world safe again. I wanted to stop Lucifer. And now, Sam's dead. And you're right. You are the only one I've got left. And I don't know what I did to make you want to run, but that's what you say you need. Is to leave." He was broken. His voice was subdued, quiet. He had nothing left in him, no energy left to fight the inevitable. "So I want the option that means you don't die. That you're happy. Kate- I don't care what I want anymore. I just want you to be okay."

At seeing the single tear, Kate internally shattered to pieces because she now realized just how broken her brother felt and she couldn't take it anymore. She took a step closer. "Dean..." Her voice was so soft and gentle, almost motherly. "You didn't do anything to make me run. It's me. It's up here." She tapped on her forehead with her fingers, showing its in her head. "I can't..." She took a deep breath, trying to decide how to explain it. And she knew the only way to make him understand was to finally confess. "Do you know how many places I've been in this fucking town?" She didn't wait for him to answer. "Three. Lisa's house," she counted off on her fingers, "The ice cream joint. And..." Her fingers fell and she hesitated. "You remember a week after Sam died and you started that new construction job? It was a Tuesday. And you got up before the ass crack of dawn to go to work. Do you remember?" Her watery eyes searched his. She knew exactly where she was going with this, because he needed to understand what was really going on inside her head.

He nodded, indicating that he remembered. In reality, everything was such a blur- a hazy painful mess- that he knew he got up early to go to work, but that was really it. He waited for her to continue.

"You left early. And when I ...when I got up, you weren't there. You left and I didn't even get to see you. And the whole day this," she pointed to her head again, "this wouldn't let me rest. Then eventually it convinced me you were gone...that you left without saying goodbye and that was it. It was over and I was alone in a world I didn't want to be in." She wiped a few tears away that escaped. "And that part took over...it consumed me into a fucking mess. Until I finally managed to hot wire a car and drive around town until I found you. And I sat there. Sat there and watched you guys work until my mind finally saw that you were alive and still there. And I've done that every other day you've left without saying goodbye-including today. I knew what you were already building before you told us at dinner because I saw it. But you left and I didn't see you this morning. I woke up and you weren't there and my mind won't let me believe you're just at work. Because we've never just left each other without saying goodbye. We've never gone to work without the other. It just doesn't function that way. Until one day, you just don't come home." The tears started falling relentlessly. "My mind is so fucked up that it won't let me believe you're coming back. Because everyone leaves me. Dad, you, Sam. Everyone dies and I know I'll be here alone...that it's only a matter of time until life gives me what I deserve—complete abandonment. I can't live like this. It's literally killing me and the only way I know how to make it stop is to run."

Dean's mouth dropped open, shocked. He had no clue. His baby sister thought he was leaving her, and she had the same goddamn fear he did—pure abandonment. His heart literally ached, thinking he had something to do with it. Without even a moment's hesitation, he grabbed her and pulled her into his chest. He was holding on for dear life. "I would never knowingly do that to you, Kate. I would never leave you- just up and abandon you like that." And then he choked on his own words. Because he did do that. When he died and went to hell, he left her and Sam. It was different than abandoning her, but for the first time he realized that it didn't feel any different to her. As he held her, Kate could feel his tears drop into her hair. "Katie- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." There were no more words he could say. He wanted to fix this. To help her- but he was out of words and emotionally reaching the end.

She wrapped her arms around him and as she felt his tears, it only made her own come harder as she pressed her cheek against his chest. Finally, after a few minutes, she spoke through tears, "I just thought if I leave, it's like ripping the band aid off. I'll leave you before you get a chance to leave me. But I- I-," there was another wave of tears, "I can't lose you."

He put his hand on the back of her head, keeping her pressed into him. "I can't lose you either. Kate- I don't even know who I am without you and Sam. And now half of that's gone. And if I lose you too- then that's just it. That's it for me. I'm done. I know I need to have something else to make me realize who I am- but dammit, I just don't want anything else. I want you to be happy. And safe. And not scared. That's all I've ever wanted for you both." He took a deep breath and summoned every ounce of courage he could. "So tell me what you need. Let me help you. Let me know that I haven't failed you. Let me get you what you need. Whatever that means." He meant it, every word of it. If he had to let his sister go for a while, he would suck it up and do it—he'd do anything she needed. It was and always would be his job.

Her tears started to subside and her right hand reached up and lightly clasped onto his shirt as she was still pressed against him...a gesture she did time and time again when she was little. It was almost like a comfort seeking reflex that even she wasn't aware of. "I need you to never leave me. I need you to be happy. I need you." She paused and there was a slight laugh. "To stop ordering extra onion." She pulled back for a moment and smiled through the mess of tear stains before pressing her face against his chest again and taking a deep breath to keep herself calmed down. "I need my mind to stop thinking the worst is going to happen...I just...I just need YOU, De. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Katie- you have nothing to apologize for. But listen up." He pulled her away from him just enough to take her face in his hands and looked her right in the eye. "I will not leave you. I will always, ALWAYS be here for you. I promise." He pulled her back into his chest. "I don't know how we'll do it...but we'll find a way to be happy again. Okay? Whatever it takes. We'll figure it out. I promise you. But..." He pulled her away again. "...I can't promise...not to get extra onions." There was a faint grin on his face.

She lightly punched him in the chest at his lame joke before looking him in the eye, too. "I know, Dean. Somewhere deep in my heart, I've always known that you're never leave...but I've just been so... out of it lately that up is down and down is up, you know?"

He chuckled and rubbed her arms consolingly. "I know, midget. Me too. It's like...being in a fog. And you just can't freaking find your way out. There's no light, no road...just nothing but fog." He hung his head for a moment. "And my mistake was trying to get through it on my own." He gave a self-deprecating grin. "You know how much I suck on my own."

Kate just smiled softly for a second, taking it all in. This was the first REAL conversation they'd had since Sam died. The first honest moment between the two of them. Sam died and Dean had just shoved everything down and locked it away, throwing himself into the apple pie life and work all within a week and leaving Kate to believe he had been okay. And how he described everything just now? That was exactly what she'd been struggling with. "Stuck in a fog with no escape." She repeated to no one in particular and then she looked up at him. "I think we can make it out-together. But you have to promise me one thing, De."

He took another deep breath. He was ready now to give her what she needed, even if that meant time away from him. "Anything, Katie. What is it?"

"I need you to promise to be honest with me. This whole time...this whole time I thought you were okay with what happened. That you adjusted. And I thought I was the only one in pain. It would have been nice to know I wasn't the only one, you know? Don't hide stuff from me, okay?"

Dean's jaw flexed for a moment. "Okay. You want honesty? Here it is. I'm gonna try, Kate. I will make a real effort to do that- tell you what's going on in my head instead of shoving it down, pretending that it doesn't exist. But- more than anyone- you know that ain't gonna be an easy habit for me to break. I spend so much of my life putting my feelings on the back burner that it's almost like my first response. So...I will give you permission...to call bullshit on me." He set his jaw and looked her straight in the eye to let her know he was dead serious.

She stared at him for a moment, taking in his words. She knew it hadn't been easy for him to even admit to be willing to try, so this was a step in the right direction. "I'm sure you will try...and so will I. I won't force you into a feels circle to sing sad songs or anything. But you just have to be willing to open up more with me, okay? With Sam... It was easy." She paused for a moment as if reliving a memory. "And if anyone can break down your rough outside, it's your fucking little sister." She grinned.

He couldn't help but smile back at her. "Okay. Well...you cheat. At breaking down my shell. You keep playing that damn little sister card. You know, eventually, its power will run out." He smiled cockily at her. They both knew it would never run out. Then his face got serious. "But- do me a favor then too, okay?"

Her smile faded as she noticed his sudden seriousness. "Of course...what is it?"

Kate could see he was struggling for control. He set his jaw and plowed ahead. "When...you do need to...leave..." He broke off and looked her in the eye. There were tears sitting firmly in his green eyes that he refused to let fall. "Just...give me a heads up, okay? Don't just go. Give me a chance to..." He couldn't bring himself to say the words "say goodbye," so instead, he opted for a joke, throwing his casual grin on his face. "Try to talk you out of it, okay?" He smirked at her, but she knew what he was about to say, but couldn't.

She smiled softly, seeing right through his joking exterior. She could read the words behind his watery eyes and it made her throat close up again. She wanted to tell him she didn't plan on leaving, especially not after the break through they just had, but the only thing that came out is a simple response. "I promise." And she wrapped her arms around him again, this time holding on for dear life.