Hi everyone! Sorry for the wait, I've been pretty busy these past few weeks.

Thank you so much for all the reviews! From members and guests alike.

Here's chapter 40. It's pretty slow but it's important for what's coming in next chapter.


Chapter 40

His harsh yell resonated in the training room. Droids were lifted in the air by an invisible force then smashed to the ground in a deluge of fury.

Anakin couldn't calm down.

He remembered the look on his children's faces when they saw him.

The fear.

He had tried his best to hide the hideous parts of him lurking around. That was the other reason why he stayed away. One he hadn't wanted to admit to himself.

Force, he had never wanted them to see him like this.

A monster.

He fell to his knees, holding his head into his hands as he screamed again in the silence of the training room.

They would never look at him the same way again. Never.

And someday they would look at him like Padmé did now. With contempt. Indifference. Or hatred.

Fear.

"Release them into the Force."

He let out a harsh insane laugh bordering on tears.

He had tried, oh Force he had tried, to fight against the darkness.

But he was too far gone, it was too late. He had once thought he was the Darkness, that he could control it, manipulate it, bend it to his will.

But the truth had never been so cold in this instant.

He was controlled by the dark side.

No one ever controlled it. It controlled you. He had thought himself stronger than it, able to resist its temptation for the sake of his children. To protect them.

"No one escapes the darkness, young imbecile."

The memory of Palpatine's dark voice made him shudder still, even after all these years.

In the end, it had been so easy to fall back into the dark side's arms. Like he couldn't resist Padmé, he couldn't resist the dark side. It was ingrained in him, a constant companion.

It would always be there and he was powerless against it.

One small taste and he had lost all sense like he hadn't in a long time. He had let himself be swallowed by fear for his little girl, unable to see anything else like he had once been panicked over his visions.

What a pathetic figure he made.

The Emperor, the most powerful man in the galaxy and he couldn't control himself.

He was a slave to the dark side.

Always a slave...

When he looked back up, his ragged breathing still resonating in the room, there was only exhaustion inside of him. The claws of the darkness had finally lifted, leaving him shaking.

The storm had passed.


Anakin stood in the shower, holding up his hands and looking at them silently.

One golden, one flesh.

They were both bloodied in spite of the water falling on them repeatedly. He could literally see feel the blood that tainted them forever. He didn't regret killing the criminals in the lower levels of Coruscant. But he regretted that his daughter had to witness that.

That at her young age, she had already seen too much.

"Your eyes..."

The self-loathing and shame came back in full force, so much he couldn't control the sobs escaping him.

He was tempted to give up right then.

He wasn't strong enough against the darkness. He had always been a failure, too weak to save anyone. What made him think he could finally do something worthwhile? That he could be the father the twins deserved?

Suddenly he felt so... lonely.

Then his thoughts turned to the only person who had always given him unconditional love and he cried harder.

"Mom..." he whispered, hiding his face into his hands.

She had raised him to be a good person, to give instead of taking. She had had a hard life and had never given up on being a good person. Not once.

And he had betrayed all she had taught him. All she had given up for him.

In this instant, Anakin wanted to succeed. He wanted to be back to the person he once was, to deserve his children's love.

He wanted it so badly. It was the only thing that still made sense anymore.

But he would never succeed in fighting the darkness. No one had ever succeeded in conquering it. Every Jedi had been taught that once you started on the path of the dark side, it would dominate your destiny forever.

Then a long-buried memory came to him. Something he hadn't thought of in decades.

"I can't do it, Master."

A sniffle into his small Jedi tunic. "They say I'm the Chosen One. But I can't do what the other padawans can do. I can't let go of my fear. I can't even focus on the Force."

A sigh next to him. Then a tentative hand on his shoulder, patting it awkwardly.

"That is because you always dwell on the negative, Anakin." Another sigh. "Your thoughts are still full of sadness over your mother, that's why you're not focused on your training."

"I'll never be able to succeed," he cried earnestly. He thought of his mother and the way he had left her behind for nothing and cried harder.

He could feel his Master grow uncomfortable. Then the hand patted his hair a little more comfortingly.

"Yes, you will succeed, my young padawan. Trust the Force. Let It guide you."

"Master Qui-Gon said It would speak to me. But I never heard anything." A pause. He looked up."I miss him."

His Master looked away for a long while but Anakin could feel his sadness. Suddenly he didn't feel alone in this feeling anymore. Then his Master smiled slightly and stood up, reaching out a hand to him. "It will speak to you when you're ready. Never stop having faith in It."

Anakin stared in the distance, unseeing.

Trust the Force.

He hadn't done that in a long time. He had fought against It, claimed he was stronger than It. But he had never stopped and tried to listen.

Closing his eyes, he tentatively reached out to the ethereal realm. The warmth swept up around him, welcoming him back. It felt so good he released cleansing tears.

He could feel Luke and Leia's Force signatures like he could actually touch them.

He went further, opened himself a little more. The darkness was there, swirling in undercurrents. Some rays of light shone here and there.

And then, unmistakably, the Light shone from his fingers, inside his veins and bones. He opened his eyes, could almost see the Light in his flesh hand, the Darkness in the golden one.

The spell broke.

Anakin blinked, his hands still raised to reach out something invisible. He closed his eyes, took deep breaths, gathered the anger and hatred... and fear then...

Released them into the Force.

He was breathing hard.

But when he opened his eyes again, the sense of peace was still there.


When he reached the medical wing, Leia was hooked to a respirator, still looking pale.

Anakin took cautious steps, sat down next to his daughter and took her small fingers into his. Leia slowly opened her big brown eyes above the oxygen mask.

At first, she automatically recoiled. Anakin could feel her fear emanating from every pore of her skin. He fought against the self-disgust and smiled tentatively, stroked her brown hair out of her forehead, sent her the love he felt for her through the Force.

Leia relaxed significantly, her wide brown eyes still on him.

Then she released her fingers from his grip and raised them to pet his cheekbone with her small fingertips tentatively.

"Is it you?" she asked, her voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"The people in the street..." she shuddered then coughed slightly. "Are they... dead?"

Anakin sighed. "Yes, they are."

"I felt them through the Force. They were afraid."

Anakin bit his lip very hard, fighting against his shame and sadness.

"I'm sorry you had to see that..." he whispered hoarsely. Then he pulled himself together. She needed him to be strong. "I promise you Leia," he said with determination, brushing her hair out of her forehead again. "I promise you will never see something like that again."

Leia nodded, her eyes full with tears that were starting to fall. His gloved hand reached out and wiped the tears away.

"How are you feeling?"

She smiled slightly. "Better."

"Why did you wander on your own?" he sighed. "I told you countless times there are parts of the planet which are dangerous."

Leia shrugged slightly. "I didn't want to go there at first... I wanted to be alone. I was... angry with Mother. Then I got lost and I didn't want Mother to yell at me when she found out I hadn't gone straight to the Palace so I tried to find my way back. But... the more I walked, the more I went down and then..." Her lip trembled.

"How did you even escape the guards' vigilance?" Anakin sighed. He wasn't sure this was a question worth being asked. Leia was his child, after all.

Leia's hands clutched the medical sheet. "I..." she hesitated. "I thought about not being seen. And they didn't see me, they were-"

She stopped. "They were what?" Anakin demanded, thinking of all the various ways he would punish the guards.

"They were talking," Leia finished. "Please, Father, I don't want them to get in trouble because of me!"

The young father sighed in resignation. Somehow Leia's selfless plea touched something inside of him. It reminded him of-

"I hope this served as a lesson then," Anakin pointed a gloved finger at his daughter, stopping his thoughts. The girl nodded hastily.

"Leia... You are a clever girl. You're the Emperor's daughter. Some people will want to hurt you because of that. You have to always be accompanied. Do you understand?"

She nodded again, her brown eyes on him. He could never be angry with her when she looked at him with those innocent eyes of hers.

Then Anakin noticed the sheets were rumpled on Leia's left side. "Who was there?"

Leia smiled a suddenly bright smile beneath the mask. "Luke stayed with me. He was afraid of the dark."

As if on cue, the door to the medical room opened to let Luke in. He was holding a small toy, Leia's favorite. Anakin couldn't help a smile at the sight. The boy stayed frozen in the entrance though, looking at him silently.

Anakin reached out a hand wordlessly. The boy came to Leia's bedside tentatively, reaching out to his sister's hand. Then after a while, he let it go and went into his arms wordlessly, clutching him. He was trembling.

"It's alright, Luke," he whispered, holding the boy to him as tightly.

"Was it the dark side?" the boy murmured in fright.

"Yes, it was, my son." Anakin pulled away slightly, bending his head to catch his son's gaze. Luke's blue eyes focused on him at last. "What I did was bad. Do you understand?"

Luke nodded quickly.

"But I followed your advice," Anakin murmured, stroking the boy's hair tenderly. "It worked, I released the bad feelings into the Force."

"It worked?"

Anakin nodded. The answering bright smile from his son was everything.


The Empress paced the floor of her office deep in thought.

"How many more votes do we need?" she asked suddenly, her arms still crossed as she paced the floor again.

"Five."

Padmé turned to the Governor of Coruscant, her small fists clenching. "We'll never get them!" she cried out angrily. "Did you try to bribe the Senators from Malastare and Kessel through another source?"

Monera passed a hand through his short brown hair and nodded. "It didn't work, the Trade Federation probably bought their votes a long time ago."

Padmé whirled around to face the traffic again, her eyes on the Jedi Temple in the distance. "Then I'll summon some Senators to my office. I'll make them change their vote."

The Governor sighed behind her. "I don't think threats will work this time. It could be a double-edged sword. The public opinion isn't entirely in your favor-"

"I make the public opinion", the Empress responded angrily. "We'll only have to increase the propaganda."

"With all due respect, Padmé, people are still confused over the fact your usual allies oppose your bill while well-known Rebellion sympathizers support it."

Padmé let out an angry breath and mind-absently stroke her still aching hand. "This bill has to be voted. Find a way."

"Maybe..." Monera started.

Padmé turned around, one eyebrow arched for him to continue. "You could use emergency powers to pass this bill. Most Governors are loyal to you."

The Empress scoffed. "They're all loyal to my husband except for you. And how on Coruscant would I justify those emergency powers anyway?" She paced her office again, rubbing her aching temples. She hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before.

She tried not to think about why. Tried not to think about Palpatine and emergency powers. Those powers were just a means to an end here and now.

"We could always invent an impending terrorist attack," Monera suggested thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "We could tie it in with Mothma so we could get her out of the way."

Padmé paused. The idea had merit. Mon Mothma had been a thorn in her side for the past two years. Still imprisoned, she represented some sorts of ideal for the Rebellion and their sympathizers. Why? Padmé had no idea. She knew she was doing a great job at the head of the Empire. If only people could stop and realize that all she was doing was for the good of the galaxy... And now Mothma was communicating through her lawyer and family, using the Holonet as a clever device.

All because she herself had granted more freedom of speech for all medias. How ironic.

The Empress sat down on her desk. "It's an excellent idea, keep me updated. It has to be done fast though, the bill has been discussed far too long already. Some Outer Rim worlds need the help quickly."

Toré Monera sighed in empathy. "I know. It's a shame the Senate is so ungrateful to you after all you've done."

Padmé sighed. She was used to ungratefulness. This was what politics had always been about.

"Are you alright?"

Her head snapped up in confusion. Toré had taken a few steps towards her in obvious concern.

"I'm fine," she replied shortly, standing up to return behind her desk. The young man's fingers under her chin stopped her. In his eyes shone compassion.

"You've been brooding lately. What's going on?"

"It is none of your business, Toré," Padmé replied dryly, stepping away from him.

Monera sighed and took a step away from her. "I really don't know what you want from me, Padmé. You keep steering me in several directions. Sometimes you make me hope and then you push me away..." He sighed angrily. "I'm still waiting for us to be more, like you promised."

"Leave me alone," she snapped. Returning behind her desk quickly, she couldn't help a burst of anger from reaching her. Monera was demanding more and more lately. He had become everything she needed him to be as Governor but he wanted to be more to her personally. She suspected it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with her powers.

"I'm sure it's all because of him," Monera went on, oblivious to her anger. "You know what I suggested, it's still possible."

Padmé scowled at him. What he suggested was treason. He had already talked about it outside of her office where there were no holocameras and possible recordings.

Overthrowing the Emperor and ruling by her side. She fought the urge to laugh at the absurdity. Monera didn't realize the extent of Anakin's powers. Overthrowing him was impossible.

And...

"This discussion is over, Governor," she ordered. "Keep me updated on what you suggested earlier and-"

Padmé stopped herself, frowning.

Anakin was near.

She felt herself freeze. She wasn't ready to face him. Not now. If he was full with the dark side still, she knew he would kill Monera right now.

And she needed the Governor for her plan to follow through.

She stood up, ready to suggest to Monera that they left when the door to her office opened despite being locked.

In the entrance stood the Emperor, his fingers still raised after Force opening the door to her office.


The Emperor stood, surveying the scene he had stumbled upon. Padmé was standing behind her desk, her arms crossed calmly while Monera was fidgeting on his feet, looking everywhere but at him.

Anakin suddenly realized he had never met the Coruscant Governor in person before.

His spies had supplied him with plenty of information about the man. He had scowled when he heard this was the infamous Palo's little brother – one of Padmé's taunts probably - and disliked the man instantly.

Not just because of the rumors about Padmé and him – his fists clenched at the thought instantly – but because he knew this man had taken advantage of some kind of connection to the Empress to grow very rich and powerful.

Meeting him in person only increased the dislike.

Guilt was emanating from every pore of the man's skin. Anakin turned his gaze on Padmé, looking at her appearance, trying to gauge if she was slightly disheveled, if she was flushed – signs close to what she looked like after he disappeared from her office during the war in short stolen moments -

But she looked composed. Visibly annoyed but perfectly composed.

Why in the blazes had she locked the door then?

"Your Highness," Monera stepped closer to him, putting on a brave front when every single cell of his body was stinking with fear and disgust towards him and bowed slightly.

Anakin looked at him like one would look at an insect and wondered if he could get away with assaulting him with Force lightning until he died asking for mercy.

In the middle of the day, for everyone to see.

Then he looked up and caught Padmé's gaze.

"It would create too much trouble for both of us," he could hear in his head very distinctly. She had sensed his murderous thoughts and looked almost unfazed. He arched an eyebrow, suddenly amused.

"That will be all, Governor," she said out loud, dismissing Monera so completely Anakin felt a stupid surge of triumph and relief inside him.

Monera's disappointment and anger shone through the Force. Anakin looked at him silently then stepped around him to join his wife's desk in complete indifference.

The door clicked shut behind the Governor.

"What do you want?" Padmé asked, not looking at him as she sat down beside her desk regally.

Anakin sighed. This part was more difficult. But it had to be done.

"I wanted to apologize," he murmured.

Padmé's head snapped up in shock, her fingers frozen on her datapad.

"Excuse me?"

Anakin passed a gloved hand on his features, feeling suddenly very small in front of her and all he had done to her. "I know it won't erase what I did last night but-"

Padmé scoffed. "Last night? Try the last decade."

"Not everything was bad at the beginning," he only murmured in response, pleading with his eyes. Couldn't they reach some kind of truce for the sake of their children?

But Padmé looked away, scowling. "Stolen moments and lies, that was our relationship at the beginning. I should've never married you."

Anakin swallowed and looked away with difficulty. He tried to focus on making amends but it was strangely hard when all his being was screaming in pain.

"I just wanted to tell you I was sorry for last night. I should've never lost my temper with you. Especially in front of Luke."

He was still looking at the traffic stubbornly, trying to pull himself together when a cold laugh interrupted his musing.

"So that's what's been bothering you." Padmé's icy brown eyes were on him, unforgiving. "Not the fact you lost your temper and wanted to kill me, but the fact your child had to see it! That he could see what a monster you truly are!" The last part had been yelled as Padmé lost her temper in an uncharacteristic manner.

"Kill you?" Anakin could only repeat in confusion.

"Don't tell me you don't remember," Padmé said, standing up and turning her back to him to stare at the traffic. "You said you would do me a favor by killing me."

Anakin sighed deeply. "I didn't mean it."

"You could have me fooled." Her arms were crossed around herself in a rare display of vulnerability as she still turned her back to him.

Even though he knew he would get rejected, Anakin took several steps until he stood right behind her. She tensed, feeling him, but didn't move.

"Part of me meant it," he admitted quietly, his whisper making very small tendrils of brown hair move on her elegant hairdo. "But I could never really mean it. You were once..." he swallowed. "You were once everything to me." A pause. "I just... I miss who you used to be."

Padmé's back tensed but she said nothing. He stayed immobile, breathing in her scent quietly, one of those rare moments of truce where they weren't hurtling insults and taunts at one another.

Then Padmé whirled around, visibly annoyed, pushing him away with one hand before stifling a cry of pain. Anakin frowned, taking her hand before she could protest and examining it. The hand was slightly bruised.

He felt his whole self freeze in realization.

You keep hurting her. Everything you do always hurts her.

Ignoring her protests, feeling shame rise inside of him all over again, he gathered the Force around him and focused on her injury, repairing the small broken vessels under her skin in his mind. When he looked back down at her hand, the bruises were gone.

Then he realized with a start he hadn't used the dark side. He had reached out for the light side naturally. He could almost cry with relief and...

Pride.

Overwhelmed, he raised the hand to his lips and kissed it once wordlessly. Then he let go of her hand and finally looked at Padmé's face. Her look was blank and locked on her own hand wordlessly.

"What was that?" she only whispered.

He frowned, about to tell her he had healed her, couldn't she see the results? But then realized she was trembling, gasping for breath.

"The Force."

Padmé shook her head. "No, it doesn't feel like- it felt like when my-" she stopped herself, turning her back to him again.

"Apologies accepted," she said suddenly, her voice back to regal and proud.

He inclined his head, recognizing the dismissal and whirled around to reach the door, trying to ignore his own feelings when Padmé spoke again.

"Do you want to get back in my good graces?"

When he turned around, she had sat back down and was tilting her head pensively.

I would do anything, some part of him was foolishly saying from deep within him. But he managed to only nod.

"The bill I'm working on needs to pass," she explained matter-of-factly, like he was one of her Governors and Anakin fought the annoyance spreading within him all of a sudden. "Five Senators are in my way," she said slowly.

"And?"

"I need them to no longer be in my way," she replied in a deceivingly gentle voice but the intent was clear.

"Meaning?" he asked, hoping against hope he had misunderstood.

Padmé scoffed. "Don't play the innocent with me, Anakin. You know exactly what I mean. Those Senators and Mon Mothma are a thorn in my side, I want them gone. Do what you do best."

He froze. Her brown eyes were on him but they were no longer vulnerable or looking right through him. Or maybe they were, but they were reaching for something. The darkness deep within him.

Anakin didn't particularly care about the Senators or Mothma. But he cared for his own sanity and his ability to resist being controlled by the dark side. Killing them would be a relapse, one he didn't want to experience again right now.

Most of all he cared for Padmé's sanity or whoever was left of her. Ordering people's deaths was so unlike everything she was. She had been the one begging to save Mothma's life in the first place.

"You didn't ask what I think," he said slowly.

Padmé huffed. "Are you saying you care for these people?"

Anakin's fingers reached for the security holocams with the Force and deactivated them wordlessly.

"You are suggesting murder!" He suddenly erupted, stopping just before her desk.

"Again, don't look at me like you never did something like that before! You're the one who wanted to kill Mothma back then and you were right! She has become some sorts of ideal for the Rebellion and I can't have that." A pause. "You didn't have the same reservations when you ordered Bail Organa's and my father's death," she spat.

Anakin fought to keep calm. "I didn't order your father's death,", he corrected slowly then stopped her with a pointed gloved finger when she started to protest. "I don't care about the Senators or Mothma but..." He paused. Then decided to be honest for once. "I care about your soul. You barely survived what happened to Bail Organa and your father, you won't survive this."

They looked at each other silently for awhile.

"You say you care about my soul," Padmé replied in a soft voice. "I have become everything you wanted me to be, haven't I? I'm an Empress, I rule your Empire with an iron fist." A pause. Then the tone changed to vehement. "My soul's gone," she hissed. "If you won't do it, I already have a backup plan anyway."

Then she went back to her datapad, all composed and normal.

"I wanted a lot of things," Anakin said lowly, regretfully. "I wanted peace... And this Empire is constantly at war. I wanted you to make things right. And you became like... me."

With that, he turned around and left her office, unable to stand being with her. The pain of who she had become had been one of the reasons for his relapse. Right now, he wanted to hurt people, maim, kill.

He had to go back to his children and their light. He needed them desperately.


AN : Teaser for Chapter 41. Our favorite Jedi's back...

"You felt it too, didn't you?"

Obi-Wan Kenobi's eyes opened to find Barriss Offee standing before him, looking more enthusiastic than he had seen her in awhile. She sat down to join him on the floor where he was in the process of meditating.

"Yes," he replied, still unsure of what he had felt.

There was a disturbance in the Force. The Light was more attainable, stronger, shining almost too strongly whenever he had delved into meditation these past few weeks.

What he was unsure of was the origin of this disturbance. He wondered about other Jedi, whether there were survivors out there... After all when they arrived on Alderaan two years before, Barriss and he had been very surprised to be welcomed by Ylenic It'kla, one of their fellow Jedi and a few padawans, who had fled the massacre to find refuge on Alderaan. But even if there were other Jedi, he knew - deep down he knew – this wasn't about a few Jedi bringing the Light back.

It was too strong.

"The children perhaps?" he murmured, stroking his whitening beard thoughtfully.

Barriss arched an eyebrow, visibly fighting the urge to tease him. She had done a great deal of that these past few years which he secretly enjoyed.

Obi-Wan sighed. "I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it."

The Light felt like...

Anakin.