Chapter 51
A/N: Wow so many reviews. I think I was able to respond to everyone and if I missed you I'm sorry! I do have to address on review here from a "Guest" though.
For the "Guest" that said that reading the last part of Chapter 50 showed that "...Christian lost this battle because Ana already gave her heart to someone else and poor Christian is going to left without his child because she's found a replacement dad.." and "Ana clearly is too attached to Gideon's *** to notice..." UMMM REALLY? Have you read the story! Christian doesn't want to be a father to the baby. She hasn't committed to Gideon, she cares for him and it could lead to a functioning working relationship. Would you deny yourself the opportunity to be with someone who obviously cares a great deal about you and wants you no matter what your situation is especially if you were left high and dry by the father of your unborn child all because he didn't want to be a father. In my story Ana doesn't know about his childhood, they never made it that far into their relationship so there wouldn't be anything for her to notice AND when exactly did she ride his **** that she would be attached to it? Because I am pretty sure that I haven't written any lemons. (yet!) Maybe you should go back and READ the story before you decide to comment on it when your comment doesn't make a damn bit of sense!
Ok off my rant and on with the story! It is just a short one. Hopefully before the weekend hits I'll get ya'll another. :)
Please review and let me know what you think of this one! If I missed responding to your reviews of the last chapters, I'm really sorry and want to thank you now! Ya'll are amazing! :-)
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I do not own the characters, that honor goes to the wonderful authors of the FSoG and Crossfire trilogies!
CPOV
I'm sitting on the floor outside of Ana's hospital room. The hospital room she is in because of me. Because I chose to try to control her knowing that it would upset her. Knowing she would fight me on what I did about the convention she was to attend in New York. I didn't want her in New York. I didn't want her where she would have easy access to Cross. Yes, I did it for a selfish reason I know but she is mine. I don't know what to do about, or how to feel about, the fact that she will be a mother. That I will be a father but seeing her curled up in Cross' arms, content and peaceful just about broke me.
I also know that as much as I want to give this woman the world, I won't ever be able to. I will never be able to give her the comfort that she is being given so willingly from Cross. I can't allow her to touch me like that. The hurt from my childhood not just a memory but a chasm of bleak horror that rears its ugly face anytime someone comes near me. I freeze instantaneously.
When I was younger I used to crave feeling anything; fear or pain, it didn't matter. Love was never something that I ever thought would be possible. I wanted it. I saw my parents, saw their love and saw the love they showered on my brother and sister and wished that I could allow them to show that to me too but… Me feeling pain is one thing but for Grace, my saving angel, to feel pain because of me is something that I have never been good at dealing with. I have never been able to give her those motherly hugs that she bestowed on Elliot and Mia. The searing pain was just too much to bear. Carrick, he was a playful father but strict and never outright touchy freely. Thankfully they respected my boundaries.
I have never felt deserving of the love they were able to show me and never have I thought I would find it or feel it as an adult. But I did. I found Anastasia. Or should I say she found me. I will always be more than grateful that Katherine ended up with the flu that fateful day.
But knowing how I feel about this baby, my childhood, D/s past, I know that I can't give Anastasia everything that her heart desires and it's like a knife turning in my soul. She needs to feel loved and welcomed in someone's embrace and I can't give that to her.
Taylor finally finds me curled on my ass on the floor outside Anastasia's hospital room and noticing that security isn't around looks at me with concern.
"Sir?"
I know he's trying to figure out what's going on and I'd rather not discuss everything going through my head with him. Hell, I don't even think Flynn could work out everything in my mind right now but he sure would love a shot at it.
Standing and walking past him, "It's nothing Taylor. Let's go."
Getting into the car and driving silently home I notice Taylor regarding me in the rear view mirror several times. Irritated is curtly ask, "What's on your mind Taylor?"
Surprised that I addressed with a question he just asks, "Openly Sir?"
Ok, I'll give him this one opportunity to say what he needs to. Then he better be done with it. "This time. Yes."
Never taking his eyes off the road as he starts talking, "You will lose her if you keep behaving the way you are. She doesn't do well with dominance. Control is fine as long as she feels like she is being included in any decision but if she feels that you are taking her free-will away she will leave. Hell that's what she did.
"You're going to be a father and as much as I have heard you rant and rave about how you don't want to be one that will change as soon as you see that precious baby take its first breath or hear its cry for the first time. Babies change the people in their lives, men especially. I certainly did when Sophie was born. They give you a new view of the world. You, Sir, are going to deny yourself that and deny Ana that.
"She doesn't deserve to be treated how she has been. I say this, that girl is special. She changed you in such a short time...for the better. You hurt, you let her leave, you broke her spirit and you didn't go after her until she was seen with someone else. Now you claim to want her but not the child. Well, you can't want her and not want your child. That will kill her more than anything else you've done. If you can't accept this walk away and let her be happy."
I look up at him in amazement. I can't believe that he just said everything that he did. I think this is the most that Taylor has ever said at once to me. Certainly about anything so private. He's never addressed the issues with my subs except to remove them once a contract ended so for him to say this much about Ana... well, she is special. I guess not just to me.
She's mine. I want her. But Taylor and my father are right. I am going to have to figure out what I am going to do about accepting this baby because if I can't I'll never get her back.
