Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I love reading your thoughts about each chapter so especially thanks for the last chapter. There were even more reviews than usual. I'm glad that so many people liked it because that was one of my favorite chapters to write.
I must be crazy, but I started my second fanfic, a Sirius Black one, called Abomination. I'll be posting it in a few minutes after I update this chapter. It won't be nowhere near as long as this fanfic, but in a way, it's connected and will share a few scenes such as Sirius's boggart. I really wanted this to be my one and only fanfic, but the idea has been bothering me for a while, so I have to do it, which also means that a Bloody Baron/Helena Ravenclaw, Bellatrix, or a Draco fanfic might pop up soon. Actually, I might post a Draco one shot that I wrote a few weeks ago, but I'm still undecided. I always finish every story I write, but this one is my priority, so the others might not be updated as frequently as this one.
me- I can see how James would be seen as the meaner one, but overall, it seemed to me that Sirius hated Snape more, especially after James's death. In OOTP, James was the one tormenting Snape, but it was partially because Sirius was bored and it seemed like James was showing off. James was a bully and hexed a lot of people, according to Lily, and since we never saw him hex anyone else other than Snape, we don't really know how much meaner he was. It's hard to say what happened with the werewolf incident since so little is known about it, but Sirius was so consumed with his grudge with Snape that he put Snape's life in danger. As much as he hated Snape, James was able to see that Sirius had crossed the line and saved him. I don't think that Sirius's intention was for Snape to die, but I think that he hated him enough that he wasn't thinking logically. To be honest, I don't think it's just about Snape. Sirius and James grew up in two completely different households and I see Sirius as darker, the black sheep of the family, more bitter, more capable of hate. While James was taught that blood purity didn't matter, Sirius was taught to hate Muggle-borns. James was most likely doted on by his parents, blood traitors that were extremely different than Walburga Black, and that sort of hate wouldn't come as naturally to him. Oh wow, sorry, this became a lot longer answer than I wanted it to be, but I have this issue with rambling when I get into a topic I'm interested in.
A- Thanks for the review! And I think Lily at least suspected Severus's feelings because in one of the scenes in The Prince's Tale it said that she blushed when he was staring at her intensely. I plan to make her suspect it around that time.
Chapter Fifty-One- The Half-Blood Prince
1974
Severus huddled over the crumbling pages of one of the old Prince books he had found long ago. While one hand underlined the words as he read them, his other hand held a scrap of bloodied cloth to his nose. It had become somewhat of a ritual for him. After Tobias had struck, after it was all over, Severus would retreat to his bedroom and absorb every syllable of those ancient books. When he was seventeen, he would be ready.
A drop of blood splattered onto the page and Severus frowned. Not from the blood, but from the page itself. It was the chapter about Occlumency, the chapter he had devoured many times, as often as he could. The book stated that Occlumency was one of the most complex arts to master, but Severus found it astonishingly simple. The key to the technique was the ability to clear one's mind. Compartmentalizing thoughts and emotions, bottling them up for as long as possible, and putting up an icy front to conceal them all… Severus had been doing it all for as long as he could remember. Tobias's strikes stung less that way. He may have lacked a Legilimens, but he had Tobias. Less than an hour ago, when he had been enduring his father's beatings, he had been able to empty his mind of everything. No hateful contemplations, no wishful thoughts of Lily…Severus had succeeded. He had felt nothing.
The next step would be to empty the mind of certain thoughts rather than all. That would be trickier to practice, especially without a Legilimens to probe his thoughts. There was no one that he trusted other than Lily, and Severus knew better than to approach that particular subject with her. After all, she had already deemed the old Prince books disturbing, and Severus didn't want to risk her uncovering anything that he didn't want her to know.
Severus scowled, wincing from pain and annoyance. He didn't have time to find a Legilimens. There was a clock that seemed to be ticking faster each day. Severus wanted to be someone and if he were ever to be someone, he would need to be able to guard his thoughts. Some may have sought refuge in knowledge of curses that were capable of physical harm, physical defense, but Severus knew that he could never be someone with a vulnerable mind. The truth had the potential to be the most destructible mechanism of all, especially when the Slytherins were involved.
The doorknob twisted audibly, breaking his concentration. Panicked, Severus shoved the book under his mattress. His timing was flawless. Just as he rocked back into place, the door creaked open. To his surprise, it was Eileen.
His mother rarely spoke to him so soon after a Tobias encounter, but there she was, standing in his doorway. Her hair was no longer severely pinned back; several graying strands had fallen loose and she had not bothered to brush them back. There was a great red imprint on her cheek where Tobias had struck her, and in her hands, a small bottle that contained an unpleasant looking, green liquid.
Eileen noticed him studying the bottle apprehensively. She held it out to him, her gaze averted as if she could not bear to look at him. "If you inhale the fumes, the bleeding in your nose should stop. Dab a little on your eye to ease the stinging."
Severus didn't take it. He was now eyeing her with open suspicion. He knew more about potions than most seventh years, most likely even more than Slughorn himself, and knew of no healing potions that were such a shade of green. "What is it?"
"Something I made up when I was younger," Eileen said with a trace of impatience. "Take it."
Severus grudgingly accepted it. The bottle was warm to touch. He uncorked it and took an uneasy sniff, an earthy scent filling his nostrils. "Dandelion root?"
"Naturally."
"And honey water. With crushed nettles."
Eileen said nothing and Severus took that as a yes. He inhaled again and blotted a somewhat clean corner of his cloth before mopping his eye. Already, he could tell that there was a minor improvement. Eileen had a gift for potions. Perhaps he had inherited his own talent from her. The thought made him feel strange.
She was still there. Severus wished that she would leave. She wasn't moving. Her eyes were flickering around the room, absorbing what the dim yellowish lighting revealed. There wasn't much to be seen, only a bed, a desk, and the chair he had broken, all scarred from the years they had endured long before Severus had been born.
"I'm sorry, Severus, that I wasn't a mother to you."
Severus froze and stopped dabbing.
"A mother that you deserved to have. I must have been such a disappointment to you. I was to many, but no one is more disappointed in me than myself."
A disappointment. Severus could feel the anger churning up inside him. Over thirteen years later of being nothing to him, she chalked it up to disappointment? But even more powerful than his rage, even more frightening, was another emotion, one that he had not expected. Pain.
"When I was young and foolish, I made a mistake. You remind me of it. Can you blame me, Severus? That because of him, that because of you, I lost everything? I was blind and you were, you are, living evidence of it."
Her eyes, the very pair that Severus had deemed dead, were glistening now. He wasn't sure what to think, how to feel. There was that strange ache in his chest, something that resembled longing, but it was more than that. For as long as he could remember, he had wanted a confession, an explanation, and now that he was hearing it, he was at a loss. Many times, he had wanted to confront her, to scream at her, but he didn't want that now. He didn't know what he wanted, but even if he did, he wouldn't have been able to form the words. His voice had left him.
"But in some ways, you remind me of me. You may look like him, but you are a Prince, a half-blood Prince, and don't you ever forget that."
It was the second time she had called him that. Severus swallowed as he remembered that day. It had been her to insist that he attend Hogwarts, regardless of Tobias's threats. It had been a motherly act, the only one that he could recall. It had faded as suddenly as it had come. Emotionally, Severus had renounced her. He had hated her. When he was younger and when Tobias was in one of his rages, he had screamed for her, but she had never came. She had never tried to save him and he had never forgiven her for it. But he was a Prince, just as much as he was a Snape.
"I won't," Severus said quietly, his voice somehow steady.
"I may have lost everything, but you still have a chance. Don't throw it away, Severus. Don't repeat my mistake," Eileen's words were cracking. At that moment, Severus knew that she may have resented him, she may have ignored him, but she still wanted him to succeed. She wanted to have what she did not, what she had lost.
Severus nodded.
Without another word, Eileen left, but he was sure that tears were streaming down her sallow cheeks.
Severus didn't move for several minutes. He stared blankly ahead, conflicting thoughts flooding his mind at whirlwind speed while he absently pressed the bloodied rag against his eye. Suddenly, Severus set the rag aside and silently retrieved the Prince book from under the mattress. Standing up, he moved toward the desk and sat down, promptly seizing a quill. Inside the cover of the worn out volume, he scrawled out, This Book is the Property of the Half-Blood Prince.
She would never be a doting mother and he would never be a loving son. He doubted that he would ever forgive her for standing by after all these years. But because of her, he had magic. Because of her, he would have an opportunity to be someone. Because of her, he was a half-blood Prince.
And for that, he was grateful.
1974
Lily decided that there was no place more peaceful than the clearing at Spinner's End. At least when Petunia wasn't barging in. Any tension between her and Severus seemed to evaporate in the sun dappled atmosphere. There was an unspoken rule to not discuss their House differences, and they had been fervently following it. Lily never talked about how creepy Severus's friends were and Severus never mentioned how stupid he thought her friends to be. The unspoken rule had been a successful one. It was already late July and there hadn't been one quarrel. When they were in the clearing, it was as if they were the same pair of nine year olds they had once been, best friends and unchanged.
Lily only hoped that it would remain the same once they returned to Hogwarts.
Hands folded behind her head, Lily stared at the stretch of endless blue sky above, not wanting to delve into that particular issue. Her emerald green eyes narrowed as she studied a cloud, grateful for the distraction. "I think that one looks like Slughorn. What do you think, Sev?"
There was a brief silence. Lily didn't have to turn her head to know that there was a slight frown playing on his lips, the same slight frown he wore when he was scribbling down notes in his Potions book. "I can see it," Severus mused. "But that one part sort of looks like Dumbledore's beard… So Slughorn with Dumbledore's beard."
Lily nodded her agreement even though Severus couldn't see her. He had been even more quiet than usual, and while Lily liked gazing at the clouds, Severus would have lost his patience a while ago. On a normal day, he would have been riffling through his old Potions book and perfecting the notes he had made over the course of the year. Unable to keep her mouth closed for long, Lily rolled over onto her stomach, propping her chin into her cupped hands. "So are we going to look for a McGonagall cloud next or are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
"A McGonagall cloud," Severus said immediately.
"Sev!" Lily reached over to pluck a daisy and flicked it his way. It fell against his cheek and he groaned. "You're lucky that I couldn't reach your Potions book."
Severus sat up with a scowl. "You wouldn't dare."
"I would," Lily said, a teasing glint in her eyes. Severus started for his textbook, but Lily scrambled after it first. He may have been bigger, but she was quicker. With a triumphant giggle, her hands closed over the moth-eaten textbook.
"Give it back, Lily,"
"Will you tell me what's wrong?" Lily made a great show of opening the book, but she frowned when she saw the inside cover. There were a handful of ink droplets scattered across, but Severus's disorderly scribble was still recognizable. "This book is the property of the Half-Blood Prince?"
Severus flushed. "It's a nickname."
"I've never heard anyone call you that before," said Lily curiously. "Just Sev."
"Because I made it up myself," Severus answered with growing discomfort, his eyes darting everywhere except directly at her. "And people don't call me Sev. Just you, because you're…you."
"Oh," Lily said, not registering the deepening red of Severus's cheeks. She flipped the book shut and held it to her chest. "Well, I like Sev better. It doesn't have blood status in it. Now will you tell me what's wrong, Prince Sev?"
"Don't call me that," Severus grumbled, glowering at her. He paused. "You're really not going to let this go, are you?"
"Do I ever?" Lily tilted her head and smiled at him before her face grew serious. "Really though, what is it?"
Severus's expression darkened and with a trickle of doubt, Lily wondered if she had been wrong to press the issue. "Something happened with my mum."
"Oh." Suddenly, Lily was ashamed of her persistent questions. Severus's parents were a difficult subject for him, perhaps the most difficult of all. He almost always talked to her in the end, but she knew that he preferred to do it on his terms, without the pushing.
"We had the strangest conversation," Severus said hesitantly before Lily could apologize, his forehead creasing. "She said that she was sorry for not being a better mother. What's even stranger… I think I actually believe her."
"That's not strange," Lily protested, surprised but glad that he was letting his guard down so soon. She was even more glad to hear that Eileen had finally made an effort. When Severus had first told her about Eileen, she couldn't believe that she was his mother. To nine-year-old Lily, mothers were supposed to be nice and bake treats in the afternoons, not walk away when their child was being hurt. Severus had claimed that she didn't care about him, but young Lily had vehemently protested. All mothers loved their children, and that childish part of her surfaced again. "That's good, Sev! Maybe you'll work things out and you'll be…" Her voice trailed off when she saw his face. "What?"
"We won't work things out, Lily. She can't just wake up one day and suddenly be a mum," Severus said, his eyes flashing. "Not after all this time."
"But if you talked more often-"
"I can't, Lily. I can't forgive her."
"But don't you want to work things out with her?"
"Honestly? Not especially," Severus said with a determined lift of his chin. "I can't forget about the fact that she's done nothing. What if your mum stood by for Merlin knows how long and did nothing while your dad beat you?"
"Oh," Lily said softly. She hadn't thought about it that way. "Sorry."
"It's okay. It's not your fault," Severus shrugged. "Some things are just unforgiveable."
There was a brief silence and Severus nodded his head toward the Potions book in Lily's arms. "I didn't make up that nickname. She did. Prince was her maiden name."
"I thought you couldn't forgive her," Lily asked hesitantly.
"I don't," Severus said. "But talking to her made me realize that I don't hate her. She's still my mum. She's the reason why I have magic. Because of her I'm a Prince, and without her, I'm just a Snape," Severus's black eyes bored into hers and Lily nearly shivered from the intensity. "I would rather be a Prince than a Snape."
Lily thought back to the day when she had first met Severus, when she had first laid eyes on Tobias Snape. Severus had been scared then, and so had she. Even before she knew the horrors that Tobias was capable of, Lily had instinctively feared him. "I don't blame you."
"She invented potions," Severus said suddenly, an unfathomable expression crossing his face. A breeze swept through the clearing, smoothing back his inky strands of hair, but the cryptic look didn't falter. Something in it pained Lily. "I didn't know that before."
Lily searched for the right words, but found none. He looked so confused, almost forlorn, that she would have done anything for him to perk up. She smiled brightly at him, hoping to lighten the mood. "Well, at least we have an explanation for that oversized brain of yours."
"Thanks a lot. Can I have my book back now?" Severus asked, extending his hand as his lips twisted into a crooked grin. But she could see that it was forced. That bothered her.
Lily glanced at him and then at the tall trees that bordered the clearing. Draped in shadows, it looked cool and inviting and absolutely ideal for the plan that was forming in her mind. A wicked smile lit up her face. She knew exactly how to cheer him up. He would protest and gripe, but Lily didn't care. No matter what it took, she would make him smile again. "If you can catch me."
She bolted, her mane of brilliant red hair fluttering behind her, glinting in the streaks of sunlight that marbled the grassy floor. Her skinny legs flew at remarkable speed, even with the airy sundress that was whipping at her creamy, grass stained skin. Severus gaped after her, open-mouthed, but hurtled after her, a flash of blue-black.
"Lily!"
But he was laughing.
This time, it was real.
