"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

-Barry Lopez

Forty-Five: Haunting Subconscious

She caught Sesshomaru's hand as he had dismissed himself and turned to leave, the flicker of him starting to grasp his fingers around hers all the push she needed to turn herself around and lean her lips up toward his…

He was too shocked by the brazen action to back away or dodge the oncoming embrace. The soft warmth pressing against him and trying to pull him into an alluring trance as Kagome pushed herself closer to his body. He returned the kiss a moment, lost for that split second in the fevor, then realized just what was happening…backing a step away and holding her at arms length. "Kagome…what…are you doing?"

He almost frowned at his near stutter, and the fact that he had responded that short moment before remembering himself and backing away. Still, years of practice allowed him to keep his cool features in place.

"I just…" she blinked then, the confidence from a minute before fading. "I thought that…I'm…sorry…"

He just stood there, this was a world he never figured he would be a part of…what on earth was he suppose to say anyway? He shook his head a little. "That doesn't make sense."

"I just…I thought you wanted…" she hesitated, that seemed so wrong of her to say…instead she blurted out. "I wanted to kiss you."

Then she was blushing away, staring at the ground of the balcony and regretting the decision…she was never so forward. She didn't fully understand the sudden gesture herself…of course Sesshomaru wouldn't really be interested in her. She was a human, he hated normal humans most of the time…she was so stupid.

"I should get back to the party." He repeated, not sure what else to say. "Try to get some rest Kagome, I will see you tomorrow when we continue your training."

He then walked off again, leaving her to look back at the pretty landscape…not really seeing it as she broke down into tears, clutching the railing as she moved to her knees. She hadn't sobbed all day and suddenly she needed to more than she'd ever needed to cry in her life.

Outside Sesshomaru only returned to the party for a while, mostly to give out some orders and then instructions to those that were still high enough ranking to handle things and retreated himself to his new temporary room. Wanting to be away from the noise and bustle, completely confused about his new ward's actions.

He could still remember the velvet feel of her lips, the deceptive way they had intoxicated his senses with an alien attraction. She still smelled of the orchid flowers that had been in her hair for the ceremony…and he had known she was aroused by the long kiss. It was something that would be the largest disgrace for his family. He'd never fathered a true demon blooded child…there was nothing pure of his line to carry on after him…he figured he had hundreds of years to arrange such a thing…

His kimono was pulled free in irritation, his thoughts still haunted by a prideful disgust for the temptation he was feeling for the girl. He hadn't brought her here with the intention of mating with her…

"Why on earth am I even considering this?" He thought to himself and shook his head. "It is out of the question. Kagome is not a stupid girl…she has to understand that I have duties and responsibilities… She survived losing Inuyasha, and now Rimida, she'll manage just fine…it's probably just an emotional reaction after Rimida's death. Human's are always overly emotional after all…"

He finished disrobing, moving to the bath connected to the normally guest quarters he was forced to use. It wasn't as grand as his but he was never one that cared overly much about such things - he had the largest room and bath because he was the leader…it was a mark of station. Using the smaller room only bothered him because it was a reminder of how someone had scarred his palace and therefore come so close to taking that station from him.

Another reason he couldn't even consider the Kagome kiss issue…such a possibly was not an option to him. He paused to call a servant and request water for the bath, leaning back on the bed as he waited, eyes considering the top of the thin canopy fabric silently. Willing himself to think of nothing instead, he was good at clearing his head when he needed, it was why he was always stronger than Inuyasha, he didn't let his anger cloud his mind.

Yet; there was so much to consider…not to mention he would have to announce a new captain of the guard before long…and that was a step that he knew would bother Saiya and Kagome. While the tiny demoness would understand and adjust more easily to the duties that needed to be accomplished his new ward wouldn't likely be as receptive when she heard about it.

Meditation would allow him a short escape from the myriad feelings and thoughts buzzing away in the demon lords brain. He closed his eyes as he relaxed in the warm water of his bath, it would help him wash away more than the dirt plaguing his skin…though again it was only years of practice that let him temporarily lock away his busy mind for a while…

ooooo ooooo ooooo ooooo ooooo ooooo ooooo

Kagome was still sobbing meanwhile. She was shaking and had curled her head into her knees, ignoring the growing and slightly sticky moisture that was starting to stain the pretty kimono she had been lent for the day. The whole world seemed somehow irrelevant. Everything had ground itself to an end and now she was left again with nothing at all.

"It would have been better if I had just died at the bottom of that cliff…" She mumbled in a half-raspy whisper, voice broken and strained. Tears still streamed along her cheeks, eyes tightly shut as her nails dug into her legs where they grasped, trying to pull into herself or cause herself some physical pain. Perhaps if she managed to make herself feel enough physical pain then she could mange to look past all the emotional agony raging through her tormented mind.

She should have known that he would reject her…that her moment of strength would only leave her weaker in the end. She couldn't help but wonder if all the negative things had been her fault…obviously Trion would have still betrayed Sesshomaru but she wouldn't have been here. She wouldn't have been this weak creature that needed to be replaced with Rimida.

"Didn't Saiya say that Rimida could control everything? That whatever he wanted to happen would?" Her mind was still wild with her sorrow. "He wanted to die then? Why? Because I wasn't sure if I cared about him in the same way he wanted me? Even if it was to save me…I killed him…how do I ever deserve anything good in my life if I only cause pain to those I care about?"

"He wouldn't even want me to cry and I can't stop myself from doing that."

"And Sesshomaru…how could I think he would really want me? Why would someone of his station and demonic power have anything to do in a relationship with a weak untrained mortal priestess? I really am such a worthless stupid girl…"

Kagome's negative thoughts continued into the early morning, she hadn't slept and nor did she really feel like sleeping. Her body was tired but she didn't completely think she deserved such pleasure as a release from her hurt…she had never truly lost someone before and it was too much for the tender-hearted girl to survive with her mind in order.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been there wallowing in pity for herself and her lost friend, she knew that it had rained for a short time sometime before the sun started to rise and that she was still damp from that, her body shivering in open protest of still being out in the cool morning air. She ignored it as best she could though.

That was how Sesshomaru found her the next day, staring absently at the sunrise, eyes still red though she had lost all the tears she could make the night before. Leaving the demon lord to stare at her in surprise at the breakdown she'd had, she hadn't even seemed to notice he was standing nearby watching her.

"Kagome." His voice seemed to draw her from whatever dark thoughts were currently crossing her mind and her head raised a little and turned to look at him. Her once brilliant innocent gaze had been broken, blissful ignorance shattered by the blood of a possible lover. She seemed to hesitate and tears that were gone threatened her instantly again when she saw Sesshomaru watching her. "You shouldn't have stayed the whole night out here."

He bent down then and picked her up, the movement of muscles that hadn't moved in hours made her wince but she blinked in surprise at how gently he moved her back inside and toward the bath she'd been given. He moved himself to pump warm water but she stopped him, shaking her head despite the sharp pain it gave her in return, ignoring the black spots in front of her eyes.

"Don't…" Her voice was coarse and broken, Kagome realizing for the first time it was a little hard to breath, she'd made herself sick. "I can…"

"Shhh." He corrected her, interrupting as he pulled his arm away from her weak protest. "You are going to kill yourself doing things like that. Was that the idea? Make yourself sick so you don't have to deal with it? Other people mourn for Rimida as well…other people will miss him…is it a common fool act for mortals to hurt themselves when they lose others?"

He was the most angry she'd ever heard him, making her blink and stare at him as he turned after pumping some water into the bath. She didn't get a chance to offer him an answer, she'd shaken her head 'no' for a moment before he continued his tirade.

"Did I not tell you before that tears were something Rimida wouldn't have wanted you to shed?" He asked rhetorically, not expecting or allowing her to answer. "So you think perhaps getting yourself so sick you'll die will do more to honor his memory? Rushing off to see him on the other side might cheer him after sacrificing himself so that you would be well?"

Kagome blinked again, finally having the chance to retort she did. "I thought about that…I did…it's just…"

"Just what?" He still seemed livid, there were lines of crimson threatening to root into his golden gaze. It was frightening - or would have been more so if he hadn't also been preparing her a bath.

"…What am I suppose to do!?" Her protest would have been more dramatic if she'd actually been able to raise her voice as she wanted. Tears starting down her cheeks again… "He died for me! Because of me! It's my fault he's not here! That Saiya doesn't have a brother anymore…that this place is down a defender…I…how am I suppose to live with that?"

It was Sesshomaru's turn to blink at the woman in front of him, the red that was threatening in his eyes gone when she started to cry and go on. She was too kind of a person for her own good, it was likely this would be something that would haunt her for as long as she lived. But the answer was a simple enough one, Rimida had given his life for her…

"You are suppose to live." Sesshomaru answered with a much kinder tone than his angry one. "I would think that he saved you because he wanted you to live. To smile as you so often did, and to not lose yourself because of losing him."

That in turn, gave Kagome another moment of silence. The uncomfortable minutes of quiet were starting to add up during the awkward conversation.

Though it was finally Kagome that broke it in a whispered question. "How could you possibly know that…he might not have actually intended to take my place…"

"He did." There was an assurance in those two words that took her off guard and she frowned at it.

"How can you know? How can you possibly know that?" She was angry again, still confused and hurt by the last few days. Torn between what should have happened and what did.

"I do know." Sesshomaru shook his head at Kagome, his serious tone back as he interrupted another tirade of tears. "It's exactly what I would want and would have done."

That statement got her to stare then, the day was full of shocking events for the teenager, she was starting to wonder if every time she spoke she wasn't going to be surprised in some way. She hadn't managed to formulate an answer to that flattering explanation when Sesshomaru settled a towel near her.

"You should get out of those clothes and take a bath before you get sicker than you already are. Your voice is already starting to go. You don't want to lose it completely." He commented with his neutral expression firmly back in place and left the room before she could raise a hand to stop him.

"I really am stupid…" She thought to herself before finally managing a bittersweet smile. For the first time in days, as she sniffled and shivered getting out of her clothes, she was sick as a dog - but she truly felt as if things were going to be okay.

End Chapter

There was a lot of jumping emotions in this chapter…I was doing what I could to go through the random emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one. Harder of course when Kagome is involved given what a nice and positive person she usually is. Hope folks enjoy this chapter. I tried to make it a little longer. Should take me up to over 100,000 words! Makes me all giddy and stuff.

-Aura

P.S. Not too much to answer to my reviewers really. Glad you keep reading after Rimada's death…I miss him too.