SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: DEFENDER OF AMERICA - 2013 EDITION


CHAPTER 2 - A TOMB OF LIBERTY


The eagle soared across the cosmic entanglement of the 9th dimension, relishing the howling screams that only it could hear as it destroyed quadrants of planets with nothing more than a quantum pulse emitter and good old American ingenuity. Sonic had more pressing matters to ponder, as he was trying to think of why the demigod Abraham "Liberty" Lincoln would summon him. He had heard the legends of Honest Abe, everyone had.

It was foretold in ancient texts that he would fuck a Grizzly bear to death and free the slaves all before his breakfast steak. Abe was probably the goodest good Sonic was ever going to lay his eyes upon. Just thinking about it made his prosthetic genitals hewn from machine guns become erect, slicing a planet or two in half from their throbbing girth.

Sonic laid his face upon the eagle's exposed flesh, feeling it pulsate with the hopes and dreams of all Americans. The righteous steed like that of a dream arrived at the orbiting space station of Liberty 9, tomb of Honest Abe. It was built of a thousand log homes and was imbued with the demonic blood of the slaves that he had freed, for they were not ever truly free, for Abraham had power over all that lived and sexed.

"This is as far as I'll take you, star child. I have business to attend to on Canada's moonbase," The eagle cawed in its angelic voice, for a patriot's work was never done. Sonic approached the door of the moonbase and grinded his sweaty, bare body against its frame, getting splinters all in his flesh. Though he didn't mind, as he was thinking back to the wise words of his father when he broke his leg while trying to mount his first virgin Grizzly bear. "It builds character".

The door was opened by a diminutive figure that rode in on a wheelbarrow, for he had no legs. "I am the Little Kim Jong, my master is waiting for you," Said the pathetic, subhuman, servile being, likely a slave. Sonic was no stranger to this, owning many slaves in his childhood, of which he would sacrifice daily to appease the goddess Anne Frank. He thought about his friend Tails, and how he was slain while trying to deflower his first virgin Grizzly. He never liked Tails.

Sonic and Little Kim Jong waltzed through the grand halls of Lincoln the Honest's final resting place, admiring every finely sculpted detail of his moonbase. The heads of Grizzly bears were stacked in a pile in the center of the hall, burning in a glorious fire that supplied heat to the entire Americaverse.

When Sonic becomes a dying old man, looking back on his life and achievements, he would be proud knowing that he lived to see this glorious moment. He would turn to the doctor and say, "I'm ready to die, you bastard. Pull the plug". And then he would be dead, knowing with the eternal knowledge that he had lived to see the most precious things in life.

They finally approached a larger than life statue of Abraham Lincoln, although it wasn't a statue, but rather a tomb. And it wasn't a tomb either, but rather a congregation of laser beams forming a pack of surfing wolves making sweet, American love inside of an astral fuckflame the likes Sonic had only read in books. Except Sonic didn't know how to read.

"Master must play a song to awaken those that are dead," Instructed Little Kim Jong in the most Un-American, yellow skinned way possible, only to receive a stern slap from the American hedgehog. This was followed by a giggle from Jong. Sonic took out Freedom and began to play a song on his guitar that could wake the dead. He used this song only once on his friend Tails after his death, only so he could watch him get slain by a Grizzly bear twice. He really didn't like Tails.

The tomb exploded as Abe the Honest's ears caught wind of the music. Blood began erupting from his mouth, and he laughed. He laughed forever. Abe's finely toned skin was regrown from the precipice of nothingness, and Sonic continued to rock the fuck out until his entire body was resurrected. Abraham was a glorious sight to behold; one of his hands was a chainsaw made of flesh, and the other a guitar.

Abraham grabbed Little Kim Jong and stuck him between his lips. He pulled out his lighter and burnt him alive, smoking the tiny fuckling like a mighty blunt. He then threw Jong's corpse on the ground, stomping on him until he was nothing but ashes. He got what he deserved.