It Takes One to Know One

Part 52

Walsh's eyes had narrowed to then stare hard at him, the intensity of the older man's gaze made him want to look away but he had no intention of showing any weakness and so stared right back at him.

The awkward silence was finally broken when Walsh quietly repeated what he'd just been told,

"Boyfriend?"

He seemed to be having difficulty absorbing that little piece of information, knowing what he did about him it didn't come as any great surprise. "That's what I said." He'd sounded hostile even to his own ears; he hadn't meant to, he'd promised himself he'd keep his emotions in check, but he found the close scrutiny he was under unnerving.

"Jackson's alright isn't he?"

The question and the concern he'd just heard in the other man's voice threw him a little, he'd not been expecting either, and it was a good few seconds before he replied, "Yeah, he's fine."

Another lengthy silence followed as they continued to stare at each other.

"Does he know you're here?"

"No."

"I didn't think so somehow."

He already felt guilty about doing this behind Jackson's back, Walsh's scorn filled comment intensified that feeling and he snapped, "Meaning?"

"If Jackson wanted any contact with me it would be face to face, not through a third party. So why are you here?"

"I already told you why."

"And what makes you think I'd be interested in anything you have to say?"

Shaking his head at the cold dismissive attitude of the older man he shot back, "I just thought you might regret punching your son in the face, that you might want to put things right between you and him. But that was before I saw for myself what a hard unfeeling bastard you are." His hands were now balled into fists and worried he might be tempted to put them to some use he turned around and headed for the car, cursing himself for his stupidity, he should have known better than to come.

He'd almost reached the car when he heard Walsh call after him,

"Wait."

His head told him to keep going, to get in the car and drive home, but his heart, the illogical thing that had brought him here in the first place wouldn't let him. He turned to again look at the older man, eyeing him expectantly.

"I'll be in the office if you still want to talk."

The fact Walsh had just shifted the onus onto him riled him further and he got in the car, started the engine, was ready to drive off and forget all about Jerry Walsh, only to quickly realise he wouldn't be able to, not without doing what he'd set out to do, whatever the outcome to it might be. He needed to be able to tell himself he'd tried.

After giving himself a few minutes to calm down he switched the engine off and once again got out of the warmth of the car into the watery February sunshine, forcing his reluctant feet over to the door Walsh had disappeared through. He hovered just outside of it, staring in through its glass panel; he could see Walsh was now seated behind a desk, his elbows resting on it, his chin resting on his clenched hands. He looked troubled, deep in thought, for a second he thought he should leave him with his woes but telling himself he didn't give a toss about the older man's problems he was soon reaching for the door handle and pushing it open.

"I thought you'd gone."

Walsh sounded relieved that he hadn't, at least he thought he did but then again it could just be him desperate to see some sign that he wanted a reconciliation with his son. He stepped further into the office, shutting the door before sitting himself down onto the chair Walsh had gestured towards. Suddenly it all seemed very civil, hopefully it would stay that way, he'd not done a very good job of controlling his temper so far.

"Have you and Jackson been together long?"

Another question that had taken him by surprise, was he imagining things or had he actually sounded interested, "Almost a year."

Walsh raised an eyebrow at that; did he think his son breezed in and out of relationships? That he jumped from one man's bed to another?

"So why come here now, why do you suddenly want to talk to me?"

"I didn't know how things were between you up until a few days ago." He'd have been here long before now if he had.

"Jackson hadn't told you?"

"He told me he had little contact with you since you and his mum divorced, but not what really happened between you, not until the other day."

"And you think that by coming here you can put that right?"

"I think it's you who should be putting it right!" The man had got to him again his raised voice proof of that, "You hit him! You turned your back on him when he really needed you."

"I shouldn't have hit him I know that, and I regret it. I did the instant it happened."

"Then why didn't you tell him that at the time?"

"I couldn't..."

"No you couldn't even look at him." Aaron spat scathingly remembering what Jackson had told him about that and the following few days

"No I couldn't! I was ashamed of what I'd done; I couldn't look at him knowing I was responsible for the bruise on his face, for the split lip. It was further proof of my failings as a father..."

"Further proof? You mean you'd already failed him because he was gay?"

"No! No I didn't mean that."

"What did you mean then?" He watched Walsh shrug, obviously uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken, he was enjoying seeing him squirm,

"Just that I'd made other mistakes."

It seemed that was all he was going to get from him on that point but while he had the man so rattled, off guard, "Do you love your son?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why haven't you come looking for him? Why haven't you told him all this?"

"I wanted to..."

"Just not enough! Not enough to swallow your pride and tell him you're sorry and how you feel about him because he really needs to know that!"

"What good would that do if I can't accept he's gay? I'd be lying if I said I understood it, I don't I've tried, even after all this time the thought of Jackson...of him with another man..."

"What? It sickens you?"

"I'm sorry, I...I don't mean any offence."

Walsh sounded genuine and he hated to admit it now but he could understand his feelings of revulsion, he'd felt that way too once. "Would you prefer him to hide what he feels, to fight it and pretend he's something he isn't? Would you rather him live a lie than for him to ever be happy. I know how impossible that is. It's what I did and I ended up trying to..." He bit back on the words; he wasn't sharing that painful and very private time with this tosspot.

"Ended up trying to what?"

No he wasn't going there, but he would try to open Walsh's eyes like his had been opened, "It's not something you can change, it's not something you can control, it's what you are inside. How can being true to yourself be wrong?"

"What did you try to do?"

He wasn't going to let it drop, maybe he should hear just how desperate he'd been about it all, "I tried to kill myself...at the time I thought better dead than queer!" He could see Walsh was shocked by what he'd said,

"Jackson's never felt that way has he?"

There was dread in the older man's voice now; he was scared of what his answer might be.

"No."

Another silence now, he thought Walsh was trying to digest what he'd heard and he was happy to let him.

"You'd better go."

"What?" Once again Walsh had taken him by surprise; he'd thought they were starting to get somewhere, that he could make him understand and get him to accept his sons sexuality but now he was on his feet pointing towards the door, demanding that he leave.

"Nothing's changed. I hate what he is."

He got to his feet shaking his head at the coldly made statement, Walsh had meant it and he was going to have to walk away and leave things as they were, disappointment had him spit bitterly, "Jackson was right about you...you are a prick!"

He'd just seen something flash in the older man's eyes, anger at the insult probably, well he was welcome to take a pop at him, it would be just the excuse he needed to land one on his chin.

TBC