Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.
Going to be out of contact for a few days... but never fear there shall always be unfortunate things to overhear!
http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.
"Now, I know you've recently had a bad run-in with vampires, but part of what we're going to be doing while you're in the future is to prepare you to face them again," Rufus started while leading Harry and Hermione to a meeting room.
Inside there was a rather sharp looking man in a red coat and wide brimmed hat, next to him was a bleach blond wearing black and leathers. After that came of all things a green anthropomorphic duck with fangs. Beside the duck was a girl in a purple and green bodysuit, with a purple cloak, long flowing eggplant purple hair, and a powder white face marked only by a yellow gem on her forehead and pink slashes coming up from her cheeks, holding of all things a plush doll of some guy holding a guitar, a guitar of her own strapped to her back. The final was a three-headed dog slurping happily from a bowl of what appeared to be blood.
"OK, We have a Romanian vampire, a British vampire, a vampire duck, an alien vampire, a vampire Cerberus... The alien vampire is planning to transfer to Hogwarts next reboot." Rufus listed calmly as the various creatures waved in turn. Save for the five foot tall dog, which bounded over to give both of the temporal hopping pre-teens sloppy kisses all over their faces. "I thought you said that Grim had trained him out of that!" Rufus shouted down the hall towards a robed figure bearing a scythe.
"I did, however Billy found it funny and had Grim's wife retrain them..." the figure grumbled as he peeked in on the two. "Hey! I know those two... wait... why is the boss here?"
"What?" Rufus exclaimed in a slight panic as he began searching the room for a figure that one of the reapers could consider 'the boss', and coming up with only two options. "What's the name of your boss?"
"Mr. Black..." the skeletal figure answered nervously as he pointed straight at Harry.
"Alright... here's the thing, he's not your boss yet, and I hope he didn't hear you just now," Rufus explained while trying to pull some of his dignity back out of the incinerator. It took quite a bit to throw him off his game, but finding out that one of the saviours of the world just so happened to be in charge of the Reapers, well that tended to be a bit more to take than he was prepared for.
"When did that happen?" Harry asked.
"Little deal with your parents and your godfather... We need to stop making those kinds of deals, especially on games of chance... It's why Bill and Ted are still alive, and I have a sister-in-law who is even more evil than Satan... and a brother-in-law I wish could die." The personification of death explained with a defeated shrug, "The pay's good though on this gig."
Rufus in the meantime was trying to figure out how to get things of the timeline back into something resembling sanity. With a heavy sigh he just shook his head and decided that it was all for the best. The timeline was a very robust and versatile creature after all, unlike what a certain brainwashed Plutoian would have you believe.
She had been in the San Dimas Asylum For The Criminally Bogus for the past... he'd lost count of how many decades, and she still looked like she was in her early 20's. The fact that her friends were all in much the same physical state, had many of the most excellent minds pondering the truth of the nature with them. One even went so far as to suggest that they were the girls from Japan that had violated the Statute of Secrecy so much that there was a manga and an anime made just to cover it up.
That was except the one who currently did rotational guard duty with her new girlfriend, Yuriko Matsui, since both of them were... Ah yes, Psionically active. Ms. Tomoe also hated the other girls with a passion due to the fact she'd had to kill for them so often. The fact that her criminal record and military service transcripts were both cleaner than bleached linens was rather suspect in and of itself, making one wonder just if she wasn't a black ops member.
However, the bubblegum pink haired girl that constantly ran up and hugged Ms. Tomoe from behind raised many questions just because they never saw her in two consistent ages anytime she appears. One week she'd be five, the next thirty, the week following just fourteen.
The current pool was that the chief security dude would have an aneurysm by the time he turned thirty-seven. As he was currently thirty-six, that was saying a lot about their faith in him.
"So, anyway, if you see any guys who sparkle, get a silver bullet, and shoot them between the eyes, don't even approach them, just shoot them as quickly as possible," Rufus caught the tail end of a lecture by Spike as Hermione and Harry took copious notes. "After that, cleanse it with fire, it's the only way to be sure."
"Also, if you see a woman who looks like this, run in the opposite direction. This woman is dangerous," Alucard picked up, Rufus noticing a perfectly ordinary looking woman in the picture, "She's got a really bad poison pen problem."
"What's her name? Just so we know..." Harry asked while pointing his pencil's eraser at the picture.
"JKR, that's all we can say," Alucard finished.
"Also, if you go to Japan, remember their statute of secrecy is rice paper thin, so you can do pretty much anything and play it off as CGI... they'll tend to believe that," Sivil added while strumming her guitar aimlessly and cuddling her plushie slightly worryingly. They didn't need to go to court for the doll to explain to them where she touched him yet, but it was getting close.
"Oh, and if you turn any animals into wampires," Count Duckula explained while flapping his cape dramatically, "Remember to use real blood!"
"They did apologize for that, Ducky, and we let you into the vampire club," Alucard grumbled as he tried to cut off another boring rant.
"Oh yes, last of all... Best thing to do when dealing with insanity if you're wearing glasses. Take them off, get the edge of your shirt, and polish them while feigning ignorance," Spike suggested, "Giles swore by it, and it worked for him. Bonus points if you can act nonchalant and strike a dramatic pose at the same time."
"Well that would work for Harry, he's got glasses, but I don't," Hermione grumbled while making sure to take notes on the idea for future reference anyhow. Besides she'd seen a few portraits of her with glasses hanging about the halls.
"Well, for one, hide behind this book, and pretend to be ignoring people, while reading up on them in it," Sivil suggested, handing her a pink book marked 'Diarium Ejus', "You'll need it for one of your future professors, since she'll have left her copy at home."
"That's the copy you stole from her home at that time, isn't it?" Alucard asked in a bored tone.
"No, it's actually the copy she printed for Hermione in 2025 that Hermione lost due to a redhead garbage disposal throwing it out since she kept beating him at chess with it," Sivil defended with a huff of indignation, "And I'll have you know that I didn't steal any copy from Honya, I merely took it from her home to drop it off before she left Hogwarts."
"OK, Now we're done with that predestinational paradox, shall we go to the Booth Room, since you do need to attend school again," Rufus said hurriedly, ushering them out of the room. There had been far too much discussed that day.
"Wait, Hogwarts was going to blow up when we left..." Harry started as he pulled off to one side of the hall.
"That's why we're arriving shortly before your headmaster hired several vampire hunters as teaching staff," Rufus declared, smirking devilishly, "I already switched the hiring paperwork so he'll hire much safer teachers, promise."
"Then in that case... should we get our memories repaired?" Hermione explained.
"We'll deal with that on the way, since Ms. Lovegood arrives in a minute and will see you then," Rufus replied still trying to herd the two students down the hall.
"Ah, there you are! I came early so we could fit some mind healing in before they left," A much older Luna said, "I'll only cover the mental trauma you can cope with, not the truly dangerous stuff."
"How much of our memories is that?" Harry asked cautiously.
"Probably about 25-30 chapters, give or take." Luna said, cryptically.
"Let's put that into years for them Luna, since they've been through so much..." Rufus offered at the confused look on the two students and future saviours of the worlds' faces.
"Well, an easy method could be just to have them read this book, but it goes up to Chapter 100," Luna offered, "And we're only in Chapter 54."
Just then a large shepherd hook appeared out of nowhere and yanked Luna out of view, where some muffled argument was heard. After a minute Luna returned with a pout on her face. "Mr. Cobler says I can't just give you the book... and Mr. Elthorpe says I got the count wrong..."
"That's fine Luna, we'll figure out another way," Rufus explained while winking and giving the corner that she disappeared behind a thumbs up. "Now, let's stop abusing the fourth wall and get these two with their brains back in working order, to their proper time."
"But I like abusing the fourth wall..." Luna declared with a pout.
"You can do that tomorrow," Rufus answered while patting the girl on the back. For their part, Harry and Hermione just looked at them in confusion before giving helpless shrugs at each other.
"But Mr. Cobler's taking a break from the story for a week or two, and I can't guarantee he'll write tomorrow..." Luna moaned as they left her, none of the three saw a note be passed to Luna on the shepherd hook from earlier.
