Chapter 51
When Cas woke up, the sun was pouring through the window and he had a close-up of Cujo's teeth. He pulled his head back a little and blinked slowly, willing his eyes to focus. Cujo was laying alongside him on his back, feet in the air and upper lips hanging down, revealing his top row of pearly white teeth. With a sleepy smile, Cas laid his head back down on the pillow and reached a hand up to lazily stroke the fur on his chest.
Then he remembered the day before. He rolled over and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, his heart sinking when he saw that Dean still hadn't texted him back. He quickly rose out of bed and stumbled out into the living room, hoping to see him asleep on the couch. His stomach knotted up when he rounded the corner to an empty couch.
Now he was officially worried. While he hadn't actually attempted to text Dean while he was in class yesterday, it had technically been- shit, what time was it? Nine? -twenty-four hours since he'd left for school and last spoken to him. This wasn't like Dean at all. He went back into the bedroom to grab his phone, and when Cujo realized he wasn't coming back to bed, he jumped up and followed him into the kitchen. Cas opened the back door for him and he wandered out to do his business while Cas called Dean a few times.
They all went straight to voicemail.
"Get. Up."
Dean cracked open his eyes and looked around the room, squinting and trying to take in his surroundings. "Where the fuck am I?" he mumbled. Sun was pouring in from a window behind him, and millions of dust particles were dancing above him like confetti. His head was pounding and his mouth was dry.
Katie was standing above him. She rolled her eyes. "My apartment? But I only said you could spend the night." When he didn't respond quickly enough, she continued. "And it's already nine. So go on."
He propped himself up on his elbows and squinted at her for a moment, and suddenly a vision of her naked and on top of him flashed through his mind. "Did we... did we have sex?" he asked slowly, bringing his hand up to rub his face.
She laughed. "Boy, you really were fucked up." She leaned over and grabbed his bag, dropping it onto his chest. "Now hit the road."
Dean felt his stomach churn. He'd just slept with this woman. He hadn't even been away from Cas for less than twenty-four hours, and he already slept with someone else.
She crossed her arms and glared down at him. "Are you deaf?"
He didn't understand why she was being so rude to him, but he figured it was something he did, so he didn't respond. He rose from the couch and stumbled out the door, clutching his bag to his chest. She slammed the door behind him, and it resonated through his body and down the hallway like a gunshot.
Cas paced nervously behind the couch as the line rang, Cujo watching him carefully. Finally, "Hey, what's up?"
"Rich, you haven't heard from Dean by any chance... have you?" he asked hesitantly.
"No, why?"
"Well... I haven't seen or heard from him since yesterday morning." Before Rich could suggest it, he added, "I already called Brit. She's not answering."
Rich frowned into the phone. "I would keep trying her. She's probably still asleep. ...Maybe Dean's there, too."
"I hope so," Cas said, his voice wavering.
"I'm doing a delivery but I'll call you back on my lunch break, okay?" He paused before adding, "I'm sure he's fine."
"Yeah, okay... Thank you."
They ended the call and Cas tried Brit again. Finally, the fifth time, she answered. "Hello...?"
"Brit," Cas said quickly. "Is Dean there?"
"Umm... no," she mumbled through a yawn. "Why?"
"Because I haven't heard from him in over twenty-four hours!" he exclaimed.
His tone seemed to jolt Brit from her post-sleep haze. "Oh... wait a sec... What time is it? ...He was here yesterday."
"When?!"
"Some time in the early afternoon I think, I can't really remember..."
Cas rolled his eyes in frustration. Sometimes talking to a junkie was like talking to a brick wall.
"He, um..." She sighed. "I'm not sure how to say this, Cas... but he said he's leaving."
"W... what?" was all Cas could manage. He could hear rustling on the other end and the flick of a lighter as Brit lit a cigarette. He found himself holding his breath waiting for her to speak.
She exhaled and it sounded more like a sigh. "I dunno, Cas. He said he treats you like shit and he can't keep doing it to you. ...Said you'd be happier."
Cas' heart was now pounding against his rib cage and he felt like the world stopped spinning for a moment. Finally he exploded. "WHAT?!"
"Cas, I'm sorry-" she said quickly.
"Why didn't you call me?" he yelled, his voice cracking. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be.
"He... he told me not to tell you until- until you asked," she stammered.
Cas stuttered a few incomplete words before swearing in frustration and hanging up. He immediately dialed Dean, but it went to voicemail again. He felt his chest tightening and it was becoming hard to breathe. He threw his phone across the room, crumpling into a heap on the couch and beginning to cry. He couldn't understand why Dean would do this. Hadn't he always made it clear how much he loved him? Had his face conveyed something unintended the night he walked in on Dean? Did Dean think he was angry with him?
Eventually he gathered himself enough to collect his phone, which he was surprised to find actually hadn't broken from it's journey to the floor. Sitting back down on the couch, he opened a blank text to Dean. He wasn't sure what to write, but he knew Dean would get it when his phone was on again. He typed and erased a bunch of different texts before sending one.
'Dean, I talked to brit. I dont know whats going on, but please just come home. Please.'
Then he typed out one more and hit send, tossing his phone onto the coffee table and holding his head in his hands.
'I love you'
As Dean exited the building into the blinding sun, he realized he had no clue where he was. What bits and pieces he could remember of the night before kept popping back into his head, and while it wasn't much, it was more than enough. He was disgusted with himself. How could he sleep with someone else? He hadn't even been gone for twenty-four hours. Cas probably didn't even know anything was really out of the ordinary yet, let alone that their relationship was over. He felt dirty and riddled with guilt. Sleeping with random women he met in a bar was not the reason why he had left.
He found the nearest gas station so he could shoot up in the bathroom. He rode the high behind the building for a while, smoking cigarettes, mostly letting them turn to ash between his limp fingers. Once he came down, he started walking again. He had no idea where he was going, but he kept going and soon he happened upon a truck stop. He wandered into the parking lot, feeling completely out of place. He could see through the window of the building that they had a gas station-like assortment of food, so he went in and pretended to look around.
The attendant was glaring at him suspiciously, but it was only a minute or two before another man sidled up next to him. Dean could see out of the corner of his eye that he was holding a cup of coffee. "Are you a driver?" he asked. The smirk was evident in his voice; he certainly knew Dean wasn't a driver.
"No," Dean responded, still staring at the candy bars. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. Was it the night before last?
"So... what're you doing here?"
Dean looked up to see who he was even talking to. Next to him stood a tall, hefty man with broad shoulders and shaggy black hair. He was older, probably late thirties, and wearing a hunter green tee shirt, blue jeans, and boots.
"Umm... I actually was hoping to hitch a ride with someone," Dean mumbled, not meeting his eyes.
The guy smiled. "Where are you looking to go? I could use some company."
"I don't really care where," Dean shrugged.
"Well I'm going to Lincoln, Nebraska. How's that sound?"
Dean thought for a moment. "You really don't mind if I come with you?" he asked hesitantly, turning away from the food.
"Not at all," he said. "Long as you ain't some kinda psycho." He smiled warmly, his eyes crinkling at the edges.
Dean smiled back nervously. "Uhh, yeah," he said with a small laugh. "Okay, great. Thanks."
Yawning, Rich clocked out and headed to his truck. He climbed in and lit a cigarette before pulling his phone out of the pocket of his Dickies to call Cas back.
Cas' voice came over the line, small and tired. "Hey."
"Hey. Sorry I didn't call you on my break... I had to work through it." He stifled another yawn.
"It's alright..." Cas said, but it seemed more out of an understanding of work responsibilities than it actually being okay.
"So... did you ever hear from Dean?" Rich asked hesitantly, ashing his cigarette out the window.
"No," Cas said sadly. "...Can you come over?"
"Well, yeah... I'm supposed to, remember? For the party? Or are we... not doing that now."
There was silence on the other end of the line until Cas groaned. "Fuck, I completely forgot."
"Why don't you just cancel it, Cas?" Rich suggested.
"I can't," Cas sighed. "Too many people. There's no way to tell everyone. People will show up anyway... It's a house party."
"Yeah," Rich agreed. "You're right. Alright, I'll be there in twenty."
Cas opened the front door with red-rimmed eyes and hair more disheveled than usual.
Rich stepped in, closing the door behind him and turning to Cas. "Cas... I'm sure he's fine," he said sympathetically.
"He fucking left," Cas choked out.
Rich's eyebrows shot up. "What do you mean he left?"
Cas walked past him and sunk into the couch, lighting a cigarette. Rich followed and sat down next to him. "I called Brit..." he began, biting his lip. "She said he went over there yesterday and..." He took a deep breath. "He said he was leaving because he treats me like shit?" He ended the sentence with an upward inflection, as if it was a question. "And that I'd be... happier." His eyes started watering.
Rich wasn't sure what to say, so he just lifted an arm and placed his hand on Cas' shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said softly. He really wanted to offer him a hug, but he didn't want Cas to think he was trying to make a move on him or something now that Dean was gone.
Cas scoffed a little, staring at the blank television and shaking his head in disbelief. "This can't be happening."
"Why... why would he do this?" Rich asked hesitantly.
At first it seemed like Cas didn't hear him, but then he ashed his cigarette and turned to Rich. "I don't know. He's just..." He trailed off and sighed heavily. "He's fucking using again. I found out the night before last." He paused, chewing on his lip. "But I don't understand... I didn't even say anything. I mean... how could I?"
Rich raised an eyebrow. "Okay, first off, again? Second, what do you mean 'how could I'?"
"Yes... again. He was a user in Kansas." He paused. "And because I've been snorting coke!" he exclaimed, like it should have been so obvious what he was talking about.
"...Okay," Rich said carefully, "but that's not the same as being addicted to dope."
"It still makes me a hypocrite," Cas mumbled. "I've definitely been using more than I should."
"What?" Cas turned to him and saw Rich looked confused, seeing as he hadn't provided Cas with any since New Year's.
"I've kind of... been getting it from someone else," Cas admitted, closing his eyes.
Rich sighed. This was exactly why he hadn't hooked Cas up with his connect. "Who?"
Cas opened his eyes again. "Craig."
"Craig?!" Rich exclaimed. That was his connect. "How did you get in contact with Craig?"
"Brit," Cas replied.
Rich let out a frustrated sigh, pulling out his phone and holding it to his ear.
"What are you doing?" Cas asked quietly.
"Fucking calling Brit. She's got some explaining to do. ...Brit, where are you? Okay, well you need to come over to Cas'... Yes, now." He sighed into the phone. "No, the party is not starting early. ...Fine."
"What did she say?" Cas inquired as he hung up.
"She needs a ride. Probably too fucked up to walk." He rolled his eyes. "Let's go get her," he said, shoving his phone back into his pocket and standing up.
The short ride was silent. The radio was playing softly, but Cas couldn't tell what song it was, although it sounded vaguely familiar. When they arrived at Brit's, Cas slid over in the truck to make room for her, but she didn't take up much space. As soon as she closed the car door, Rich started. "Brit... what the fuck?"
"What did I do?" she mumbled, fumbling with her seat belt.
"Well first off," Rich started, pulling back out onto the street, "you got Dean hooked on dope. Second, you didn't fucking tell anyone when Dean said he was leaving, and third why the fuck did you hook Cas up with Craig?" The words tumbled out of Rich's mouth, his volume steadily increasing, like an argument with Brit had been a long time coming.
Brit stared at him blankly for a moment before shaking her head. "Umm... wow. Okay, let me try and answer those in order... Uhh, Dean asked me for it, Dean told me not to tell Cas, and Cas asked me."
Cas, sitting between them, could feel the tension in the air. He glanced over at Rich, who was gripping the steering wheel tighter than necessary.
"Brit," he said, his tone unnervingly even for how angry he seemed, "I don't care if Dean told you not to tell anyone. Why would you think that was a good idea?"
"Because he's my friend, Rich."
"Okay, and Cas isn't? And what am I? Chopped fucking liver? You start using again and you basically abandon me for Dean? What the fuck?" he said angrily.
Cas could tell this wasn't entirely about the situation between Dean and himself, but something more.
"You're still my friend, Rich," she said quietly.
Rich sighed. "Okay, look. I get that you've got some kind of... user-bond with Dean. But you need to tell us everything. Now."
Brit stared out the window for a moment, watching the smoke from her cigarette as it was sucked out of the car. "Maybe I can talk to Cas alone later."
Cas frowned. That didn't sound good.
"Okay, fine, but what's up with you hooking Cas up with Craig?" Rich pressed.
Brit looked to him, smirking at Cas quickly first as her eyes passed over him. "Who am I to deny someone their high?"
"You are fucking unbelievable," Rich muttered, shaking his head in disbelief as they pulled into Cas' driveway.
Once people started showing up, Cas pulled Brit into the bedroom and closed and locked the door. "Tell me everything, Brit," he said quickly.
She sat down on the edge of the bed and lit a cigarette. "Look," she said, exhaling a stream of smoke, "All I know is he stopped taking his medication, and-"
"What?" Cas gasped. Brit didn't respond. "Fuck, that explains everything," he groaned. He didn't understand why Dean would do such a thing. He seemed to be doing much better on the medication.
She waited a moment before continuing, because a million thoughts seemed to be flashing through Cas' mind. "His hallucinations were getting really bad. I... I don't know how much he's told you," she mumbled, as if she was about to spill a secret.
"Just tell me!" Cas urged.
"Well... he hated all the side effects, so... he stopped taking them cold turkey. I told him not to, but... you know Dean." She frowned. "Anyway... he said once they started, it was like a dam broke. Sometimes it would just be small things, like his name being called or his phone going off... and that's enough to drive someone crazy." She scoffed lightly and took another drag off her cigarette. "But he said other times it would be worse than it had ever been before. Like, umm... okay, one time he said he was half asleep in bed and felt someone place their hand on his arm, right? And he thought it was you so he didn't react until he realized you were lying on the opposite side of him and from the angle it was impossible or something- I don't know. But he said he opened his eyes and there was like, a hand from under the bed that was grabbing his fucking arm. And he freaked and jerked his arm away and it was gone." Her eyes widened and she took a long drag off her cigarette.
Cas was silent. Things weren't this bad in Kansas, before Dean went on medication, or if they were, he never told him. He felt bad for Dean, he really did. He also wished Dean had shared this with him before it got to this point, because now Dean was out there dealing with this alone. He moved towards the bed and took a seat on the edge next to Brit. He stared at the floor for a moment, gathering his thoughts, then turned his head to look into her eyes. "Brit... why couldn't you have told him no?"
She frowned and looked away. "C'mon, Cas... Don't blame me." She looked back at him again. "You know he would've found a way if he really wanted it." She paused. "He said it's the only time things... up here," she tapped on the side of her head, "would sometimes settle down."
Cas heaved a frustrated sigh, turning away from her. "I'm sure you're right." He wanted to be mad at her, but he just couldn't.
She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, leaning her head on his shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Cas..." she whispered. "But maybe he'll come back."
"I hope so."
The party was probably great for everybody else, and Cas had fun, too, but not at first. He couldn't stop thinking about what Brit had said. Rich refused to give him any coke and even took his phone so he couldn't call Craig. Cas was pissed, and he told himself it was rightfully so. He was an adult, and could make his own decisions. Luckily, he walked in on someone else using in the bathroom, and being that he was the host of the party, they were willing to share.
He felt much better afterwards, although Rich was visibly annoyed. Cas didn't seem to notice though, or he didn't care. The music was loud enough to get lost in it and he found himself convinced Dean would come back. He'd just had a momentary lapse of judgement. If Cas could just talk to him, he could convince him to come home, he was sure of it.
