SAD FLASHBACK ALERT! - Just a warning...
Chapter 54.
Despite what they'd agreed, by Christmas Eve their parents were still in the dark about the relationship between their son and daughter. The couple had come very close to telling their parents many times and then fate would step in and give them a sign it was a bad idea.
Joey could hear the family moving around downstairs as he woke on Christmas Eve. Lauren hadn't been in his room with him last night as she was getting over a cold and didn't want to give it to him. She would be with him tonight though because she knew he would need her and they both wanted to wake up together on Christmas morning.
Christmas Eve was an odd day for Joey Branning. It was always hard for him to get in the Christmas spirit because of the mixed emotions this day brought about for him. His parents knew he found it difficult and they would largely leave him alone, being there for him if he needed them but trying not to crowd him too much... much like they had done when he was three. With Lauren it was always more difficult. When she was really small she hadn't known why he would get so sad on that day and she was more than excited enough for both of them. Joey had tried to hide it from her as much as he could. In some ways LoLo made it easier for him because she'd known nothing about his past so when he was with her he could forget what had happened and be the normal little boy he sometimes wished he was. His first (or really his second) Christmas at 5 Albert Square had been such a difficult day... even more difficult than his birthday a few weeks earlier had been.
*JL*JL*
Joey had gone to bed early on the night of 23rd December having felt out of sorts all day but he'd been unable to sleep. He and Bear were both restless and there was a little part of him that was scared too. He desperately wanted to go to mummy and daddy but part of him was scared to do that as well. Every time he closed his eyes he got flashbacks of the events from the previous year. He didn't want to go to sleep because he knew if he did he was going to have nightmares. Finally his thoughts became too much for him and he pushed back the covers and climbed out of the bed. Bear cried out for him and he turned back, grabbing his arm and pulling him off the bed. He tugged a pillow off the bed and then walked over to his wardrobe. He threw the pillow inside and carefully placed his best friend leaning against it. He ran back to his bed, scared again now he was alone and he grabbed a throw that was on the end of his bed and ran back to Bear and the safe haven of the wardrobe. It had been a year since he had felt the need to take sanctuary like this. Previously it had always been in fear but tonight it offered him some comfort. He snuggled under the blanket, his arms holding Bear against him as tightly as he could. He laid there, the blanket pulled up to his chin, just his and Bear's head poking out of the top. He lay there, listening to the silence around him, the only sound being that of his breath and his heart. Every now and again he would hear a scream but those were all inside his head as he relived the most horrific night of his life. His body began to shake as he remembered walking out of his room and seeing his mummy crying. He had just wanted to hug her and there was a little bit of him now that wished she was here because he could do with one of her hugs. Her hugs had been amazing, one of the best things he'd ever experienced. She had smelt amazing too. She smelt of freshly baked cookies and sunshine. When he was in her arms it felt like being home. He had mummy Tan and daddy Maxy and little LoLo to hug... and although they were just as good as his real mummy's, they weren't what he needed now. Tonight he really missed his mummy. His thoughts drifted to her again, trying to remember what she'd looked like when she was happy and not crying. She'd been so pretty... her hair was really dark... just like his was and it had been long... longer than mummy Tan's even. It was all the way down her back. She had been tall and looked so graceful. A few months ago Joey had asked mummy Tan what his mummy had done before she became his mummy and mummy Tan had told him she was a dancer. She'd been a ballet dancer and she had met his... Derek... in a bar when she'd gone there with her friends after the last night of a show she'd been performing in. She had fallen for his Branning charm and they had got engaged and then married within the space of a year. Joey knew that it had been a while before he came along and in that time his mummy had adjusted to be being part of the Branning family and she was quickly best friends with mummy Tan. Joey sometimes wondered if Derek had only become the person he was after he was born. Was it something he did? That was a question that Joey was much too scared to ask.
*JL*JL*
Max and Tanya got up the next morning, somewhat surprised that Joey hadn't already awoken them. Tanya went to see to their plaintively crying daughter while Max went to see to their son. Max pushed open the door to Joey's bedroom and peered around the door, his eyes widening when he saw that the bed was empty. He was about to leave the room when he spotted the wardrobe door was partially open and there was a small corner of material poking out of the bottom.
Max made his way over to the cupboard and gently opened the door. He wasn't as surprised as he thought he would be when he saw his little boy curled up in a ball at the bottom of the wardrobe. The blanket from his bed was draped over his body, pulled up to his chin, Bear was lying beside him, held tightly against his chest. Max crouched down, going to shake him awake but as he got closer he could see the remnants of tears on his face. Instead of waking him he carefully lifted Joey (and Bear) into his arms, his fingers running through the small boy's hair gently as he stared down at him. He looked at the time and saw that one year earlier he had been doing exactly the same thing as he was now. He suspected that was the reason Joey was clearly upset. He could kick himself for not realising that today would be upsetting for the little boy. The past twelve months had been a series of highs and lows for the whole family but looking back at it now, Max realised that Joey had been getting quieter and quieter over the last week. He walked back over to the bed and lowered his precious cargo onto the mattress, pulling the duvet up over him. He heard Tanya moving around and then going downstairs, a gurgling Lauren with her. He sat watching Joey sleep for a few minutes then stood, bending down to kiss him on his forehead and brushing his hand over Bear's head gently before leaving them both in bed.
*JL*JL*
Max walked into the kitchen and found his wife giving Lauren her morning feed. "Where's Joey?" she asked.
"He's still asleep..." Max said softly. "I don't think he slept very well last night... he looked exhausted and he'd been crying." He explained. He walked over to her and kissed her softly, staring down at his daughter as she lay in Tanya's arms. It still amazed him how much his life had changed over the last twelve months. "How is she?"
"A happy little girl who only woke up once last night..." Tanya said softly. "Is Joey okay?" she asked him in concern.
"I think we just need to give him some space today, babe. Today's got to bring back some bad memories for him."
"I know." Tanya said. "Maybe you should take Joey to see his mum... put some flowers on her grave..." she suggested.
"I'll see if he wants to do that when he wakes up..." Max said.
*JL*JL*
"MUMMY!" he screamed, his voice ringing through the house. It startled Max awake as he sat dozing in the chair next to Joey's bed. He hadn't wanted to leave Joey alone and now he was very glad he'd stayed. He moved to Joey, taking him in his arms and feeling him burst into tears.
"It's okay, Joey..." Max said, brushing his hand up and down his back.
"I miss mummy, daddy..." he sobbed.
"I know, babe..." Max murmured, kissing the top of Joey's head tenderly. "Would you like to go and visit your mummy, Joey?" he asked him as the little boy's tears gradually faded.
"Go to heben?" Joey whispered, his body tensing.
"No, Joey... go and see where she is buried. Mummy and I thought you might like to go and see her today..."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Do people go and see gaves, daddy?"
"Yes, Joey, they do... they can go and visit a grave of a loved one at any time but quite often people go and see them on important days."
"Days like today?" Joey whispered.
"Yes, Joey. Would you like to go?" he asked.
"What do I do when I'm there?" Joey asked.
"You can do whatever you want, Joey." Max told him, "Mummy suggested that we take some flowers with us to put on her grave. We can ask mummy and she will tell us what her favourite ones are..."
"She likes sunfowers, daddy. She said they made her fink of sunny days and made her smile..." he murmured.
"Then we'll see if Tracey has any sunflowers we can take with us."
"Should I wear my suit again?" Joey asked.
"I don't know if it'll still fit you... you've grown a little since then, my little man." Max said. "You can wear the shirt and jacket but the trousers will be a bit too small." He lifted Joey's chin so he could look at his face, "Why don't you go and have a wash and I'll speak to mummy and see if she has any suggestions."
"Okay, daddy." Joey said, pulling himself from his arms. As he walked over to the door, "Can Bear come with us, daddy?" Joey whispered, glancing back at him and biting his lip.
"Of course he can. I'm sure he'd like to be there for you, Joey."
*JL*JL*
Joey stood next to his daddy, gripping hold of his hand tightly. He looked at the ground before him... seeing a shiny black stone to his left. "What's on the stone, daddy?"
"I'll read what it says to you, Joey..." he said, crouching beside the little boy and putting his arm around his waist. "At the top is your mummy's name... Sarah Louise Branning..." he said softly, glancing at Joey and seeing him bite his lip as he said his mum's name. "Then it says... A beautiful lady who's up with the angels. Taken from this earth too soon." Max continued, "Beloved mummy to Joseph Christopher, who she loved more than anything..." He stopped speaking then, staring at Joey's profile as he gazed at the gravestone.
"I loved her too, daddy..." he finally whispered. "I miss her..."
"I know you do, Joey..." Max whispered.
Joey looked at him, "I love living wif you and mummy Tan... but I miss my mummy. I need a hug fwom her..." he said, tears flooding his eyes.
"It's okay to miss her, Joey..." Max said softly.
"You and mummy Tan won't be koss with me?" he asked hesitantly.
"Of course not, Joey. We know how special your mummy was to you and we can never expect to replace her place in your heart." He said.
"I love you too, daddy. You and mummy Tan and LoLo are my new family... I love you all vewy much..." Joey whispered, fear on his face after his daddy's words. Was this the moment when he was told they didn't want him anymore?
"We love you too, Joey..." Max murmured, hugging him against his body. "Do you want to put the flowers on your mummy's grave?" Max asked. They had gone to Tracey's stall before leaving the square and Max was holding the bunch of flowers in his free hand.
"Can I?" Joey whispered, his eyes wide.
"I think you're the right person to do it, Joey." He held the flowers out to Joey and the little boy took them. He stepped away from Max, towards the headstone and bent down to place the sunflowers in front of the headstone.
"Will she hear me if I speak to her, daddy?" Joey asked, looking back at him.
"She will, Joey." Max said.
Joey turned back to the grave and stood in silence for a while. Max watched him, seeing him looking so smart as he stood at her graveside. Tanya had chosen a dark blue pair of jeans for him to wear with his suit jacket and shirt. In many ways he was still the same little boy he was a year ago but he had changed a lot too. He still loved intensely. That had been evident ever since they'd known him but had become more so since Lauren's birth. Joey was her little guard dog, not letting anyone they didn't know get close to her. Max suspected it was to do with what happened to him but he was also sure it was partly to do with how Joey felt towards Lauren. Both of the children had a way of captivating your heart and gripping hold of it tightly. He turned his attention back to Joey as he heard Joey start to speak, "Hi mummy... it's been a weally long time since I's seen you and I miss you lots. I hope you're having a good time in heben with Nana Julie and my bruvva or sister. Can you keep an eye out for Unca Gant's dog, Woly while you're up there... you could take him for walks and he'll keep you safe and make sure nobody hurts you gain..." he said, "I's sure you know that mummy Tan and daddy Maxy are my pawents now... and I haf a baby sister. Her name's LoLo... but she has your name as her middle name, mummy. She's weally pitty... I fink you'd like her as much as I do, mummy." He said softly. "We got you sunfowers too... I know you like them. Ganddad and his fend Mr. Patick grew some in Ganddad's lotment in the summer. Ganddad let me plant the seeds with him and I helped him gowed them. We watered them efery weekend and when they were all gowed up, I looked at them and they made me smile cos they made me fink of you. I fink that was why Ganddad chose them for his garden. Mr Patick said they were taking up portant vegable space but there was no changing Ganddad's mind. I's glad we planted them too... they made the garden look like sunshine and when the wind blew they would dance and make me giggle." Joey fell silent for a couple of minutes. "I wish I could get one more hug from you, mummy... I don't member the last one you gave me... not proply. I'm sure you hugged me before you put me back to bed but I can't member it no more. All I can see when I fink of you now is when I sat wif you and held your hand. I's sowwy I coun't 'tect you from daddy, mummy... I'd do anyfing to keep you safe... I's weally sowwy, mummy. I guess daddy was wight... I was a bad boy... or I'd have topped him from hurting you... from making you dead." He began to sob at this point and Max stepped in, lifting him into his arms and hugging him tightly. He resorted to the one thing he knew would help in this situation, he opened Joey's Fireman Sam backpack and pulled out Bear, passing him to Joey, who squeezed him tightly as tears continued to fall down his face. Max watched as Joey stared intently, through his tears, at Bear for a few moments, as if they were having a private conversation. He smiled as Joey started to speak in reply to his furry friend, "I's know, Bear... I's know you and daddy will look afer me..." he whispered. "I's believe you..." he said softly. He rested his head on his daddy's shoulder and stared at the grave again. The tears were still falling, although not as fast as they had been. He didn't say anything else and Max let him absorb everything he'd just said.
"It wasn't your fault, Joey..." Max softly told him once his tears had all dried, "Never think that... I promise there was nothing you could've done to stop your mummy from dying... all that would've happened was you would've got even more hurt than you did. It might even have killed you too and then we'd have been doubly sad... because we'd have lost you as well as your mummy." He whispered to him. Max stood by the grave, holding Joey tightly against him. They stood there for longer than he'd intended to do but he could tell that Joey wasn't ready to leave just yet.
*JL*JL*
Joey rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Going to see his mum's grave had become an annual routine for Christmas Eve and he would be going later this morning. There were two things that happened as regular as clockwork on Christmas Eve. He would visit his mum's grave and he would receive another card; hand delivered through the door... exactly the same as he got on his birthday and his mum's birthday.
He had only ever opened one of them. The first one he got. He had only been five when it arrived and he didn't read it. To be honest he couldn't read the writing but he'd seen who it was from and that was enough for him to know not to read it. He glanced at the time. It was time to get up. He had to get to the post before anyone else did.
He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. His mum and Lauren were rushing around the kitchen, baking mince pies, cookies and sausage rolls. "I'm going to go out in a bit, mum..." he said as he ate the toast that Lauren had put on the plate in front of him, her hand brushing his back tenderly, unseen by their mum. "Leave the kitchen once you're done and I'll do the washing up and clear it all away when I get home." He told them both.
"Washing up is my chore, JoJo," Lauren said softly, looking at him and frowning. She hated how sad he was on Christmas Eve although she could understand why he would be.
"It's the least I can do after you both spend time doing all this cooking, Lo..." he said. He heard the telltale rattle of the door and stood, picking up the last of the toast. "I'm going to go and get ready. See you later..." he said quietly.
He walked into the hall and saw a small pile of post on the doormat. He bent down and picked it up, seeing the familiar coloured envelope with the same typeset on it. He grabbed that one and put the rest of them on the side. He jogged up to his room, eating the rest of the toast quickly. He stared at the envelope in his hand, turning it over and over... Should he open it? He shook his head, he wasn't sure why he was even thinking about it... he couldn't even understand why he didn't just throw it away. Why had he kept any of them? He'd thought about throwing them away numerous times. Joey opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out the cardboard box. He took off the lid and saw the envelopes stacked in it. He took a deep breath and added the latest one to the pile.
"Who are they from, JoJo?"
Her voice startled him and he looked around at her, a guilty expression on his face, "No one important..." he said softly, putting the lid firmly back in place and returning it to the drawer. He slammed the drawer shut and then turned back to face her.
"That's twice now you've lied to me about them, JoJo... I don't like it..." she said, her eyes managing to communicate her hurt even more than her words did. He didn't know what to say to her without it being another lie so he remained silent. "They must be important or you wouldn't be keeping them." She said pointedly. "Is it another girl?" she accused him, her own insecurity revealing itself.
"No!" he replied quickly.
"Then who is it?" she said. Still he said nothing. "If you loved me, you'd trust me and wouldn't keep it a secret... you'd tell me..." she whispered.
His heart lurched and he looked at her, seeing the devastation on her face but not sure how to answer her. He didn't want her to know who they were from. "I can't talk about this now, LoLo... I need to get ready..."
She looked at him one last time and then turned, walking out of his room and going to her own, the door shutting behind her after she walked through it. Joey watched her leave, his heart breaking as he saw her shoulders slump. Why couldn't he tell her?
A/N: Well I bet that wasn't the chapter you expected, was it? And oh no... they've had a fight... and it's Christmas Eve. Let's hope they heed their dad's warning and make up before the end of the day. Let me know what you thought. Back tomorrow...
