Ch. 53
"I know that this past year-and-a-half has been very difficult for you, and I do not pretend not to notice your suffering from something in your past. I admit that it has not been easy to be refused by you on many occasions, and I am grateful that you have given me the pleasure of your company as-of-late," Mr. Levering had confessed.
Aurelie sat underneath the protection of a weeping willow tree beside a small river on the outskirts of town. As she brought her knees to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and rested her chin, she recalled the events that had transpired that very morning.
The two of them had been for a walk, as had been the custom since she had felt better, months ago. Every Sunday morning, Mr. Levering would call on her and they would enjoy strolling among the tall grass of a pasture nearby.
While Aurelie had not agreed to any picnic, nor to expressing romantic notions, she had taken some pleasure in his visits. Helene had been a kind friend to her, but she was often too busy to spend much time with her.
"I know not of what lies in your past, but I suspect that you suffer from a broken heart," he said.
Aurelie looked down at the ground as they walked along, noticing the many leaves that covered the ground.
"I do not deny that it is true," she replied sadly.
Mr. Levering stopped walking and she looked up to see the earnest expression on his face.
"I do not ask that you love me, but I ask that you allow me to share in your grief. I can be your source of comfort," his voice carried a determined and enthusiastic tone, "Please, let me take care of you!"
Aurelie could not deny that the idea was tempting. How she would not miss her lonely days...
"I will strive to be everything that you ask for, and more. You shall be in want of nothing."
Aurelie turned her head in contemplation and felt the soft breeze on her skin. It had been one of the warmest days in a long time, and the sun was out, yet she could not entirely rejoice over it, as she felt the familiar pull of her heartstrings. How was she to make a decision, when all of her logic and reasoning was drawn towards Mr. Levering-as she knew that it would be an honorable marriage and an improvement for her future-yet her heart was not in it?
Was she to continue chasing after the ghost of her past? Was she to betray her love for Erik by marrying the man before her, or was she to condemn herself to the life of a lonely spinster?
Either way, she did not know how she would endure it. The last year-and-a-half had been the loneliest and most hollow days of her life. Save for her friendship with Helene (and even she did not know the details of what troubled her), she had had to bear her hardships and mourn for herself alone. Would it not be nice to have someone to share it with?
Mr. Levering took a step closer to her and glanced down into her eyes, searching within their depths. He took her hand in his gently.
"Please, let me be your fortitude in times of distress. Let me help you! I love you, Ms. Daniels, and I know that I cannot expect you to return my sentiments...but perhaps they shall follow, in time..."
Aurelie bit her lip and wondered what to do. How persuasive he had been, and she could not bear to look into his eyes any longer without some sort of feeling of obligation to accept his offer.
She thought back to Mrs. Johnson's words and how she doubted that she would ever meet another man such as Mr. Levering again. He was the epitome of a selfless man, and, not only had he exercised patience and self-control in regards to pursuing her, but he had also taken care of her.
"Alright," the word left her mouth.
A wave of shock swept over Mr. Levering's features, and he was certain that he had not heard her correctly.
"Ms. Daniels, was that a 'yes'?" he asked in disbelief.
A huge smile had spread across his face, and Aurelie could not help but to smile at his excitement.
"You have made me the happiest of men! I shall not let you down!" he exclaimed, pulling her into an embrace.
She watched the clear water trickle over the rocks beneath it and glanced in the direction of the town. It was off into the distance, though not far, and she could see the shapes of the buildings in the horizon.
When she thought of the happiness and excitement that she had given to Mr. Levering, she now felt sick to her stomach.
He had dismissed himself earlier that day to inform his parents of their upcoming wedding, and though he knew that they would not be pleased, he was determined to follow through with it, anyway.
This had given her the hours of the early afternoon to contemplate her acceptance of his proposal beside the river, and she found that she had made a grave mistake.
How could she ever enter a marriage with a man, while her heart still belonged to another? While she reasoned that, perhaps, her feelings for Erik might fade, she knew that a part of her would always love him. And if she could not give her whole heart to Mr. Levering, was that not unjust of her to lead him on?
Yes, she had made a terrible mistake, indeed. She could not even think of wearing a wedding gown and following through with a ceremony. Mr. Levering was a wonderful man, and she had enjoyed his friendship, but she could not live with herself if she sealed her fate with a man whom she did not love romantically.
Her heart ached the more that she thought about it, and she was startled by the footsteps of Helene as she approached her, out of breath.
"There you are! I have been looking all over for you!" she panted, placing her hands on her thighs in order to catch her breath.
Aurelie rose to her feet and smiled grimly at her older friend.
"I have heard of the good news!" she pulled Aurelie into her arms and squeezed her affectionately.
Once she had pulled away, she noticed the tears that had escaped her light green eyes.
"My Dear, what is the matter? I do hope that those are tears of joy!"
Aurelie wiped the droplets from her cheeks, but she could not stop them from flowing.
"I have made a mistake," she replied. Admitting her thoughts out loud made her feel even more guilty than she had anticipated, and she began to sob uncontrollably.
Helene rubbed her back in attempt to both comfort and calm her, and she could not help but to frown.
"Whatever do you mean? I know that you do not love him now, but you will."
"I can't!" Aurelie sobbed. "I never shall! I cannot let go of the man I love! These past two years have changed nothing!"
Helene stopped her ministrations of comfort and felt irritated at Aurelie's confession.
"Why would you agree to Mr. Levering's proposal and lead the poor soul into thinking otherwise?"
"It was an impulsive decision and I wanted so badly to want it...I did not want to disappoint him!"
"And how do you think he will feel when he learns of this? Will he not be even more disappointed?" Helene countered.
Aurelie brought her tear-stricken face out of her hands and looked up at Helene. After she had desperately wiped at her cheeks, they had become rosy in color and she had finally managed to calm herself to mere sniffles.
"I am sorry..."
"Must I remind you that Mr. Levering has been there for you during the past year? Where is this phantom of a man that you yearn for? I have not seen him! Why do you insist on pursuing someone who is clearly not interested in finding you?"
"How do you know that he does not wish to find me?"
"There have been no visits, no searches, not even a letter! I do not even know his name or where he comes from! Do you not think that he would have made himself known if he wanted you to return?"
"But he could not possibly know where I am, for I-"
Then it ocurred to Aurelie, that through her defense of Erik's honor, she had admitted to something that she had not thought about.
Erik could not know where she was, for she had left no indication as to her whereabouts. She had traveled nearly half of a day away from him, and with paths in every direction from his estate, he could not possibly be aware of where she had ended up.
She was horrified to think that perhaps he had searched for her but could not find her. What if she had caused him even more pain by leaving?
She looked at Helene with wide eyes, which alarmed the older woman.
"What is it?"
"I must go to him!" Aurelie concluded.
"What? What is this nonsense in which you speak of?" Helene reprimanded.
"I must go to Erik! Perhaps he has been looking for me-perhaps my absence has caused him grief!"
"And what if it has not? You left for a reason, did you not?"
Aurelie now looked determined, and she formed a plan in her mind.
"I will take that risk. Even if I find that he has carried on well without me, I must see him. Even if we do not meet, I must know that he is alright..."
Helene could not stop Aurelie as she picked up her skirts and began to run towards the town.
"I will write to you when I have word!" she yelled behind her at the woman who watched her in disapproval.
Aurelie's legs could not carry her fast enough, and though they began to tire from exhaustion, she forced them onward. The fuel to her momentum was the prospect of seeing Erik once more, and she did not know how she would bear the suspense of the long journey.
Once she had reached town, she ran through the streets, even weaving her way in between people, and felt nearly out of breath, but she could not stop.
She was shy just a few yards from her destination, where a stagecoach could be seen being prepared to depart, when she had to slow to a walk and catch her breath.
Straight ahead of her, crossing the street, she spotted Mr. Levering as he made his way to a nearby shop. Aurelie stopped abruptly as the panic began to set in and she froze with fear. She could not risk confronting him, as he would notice that something was wrong with her and he could hinder her plan of leaving. She was not ready to break his heart, just yet.
She quickly took a few steps back as she decided what to do, and her eyes never left him.
Please do not see me, please do not see me, she mentally pleaded in her mind.
As she searched around herself for some sort of hiding place, the heel of her right foot collided with something and sent her falling backwards to the ground beneath her.
She watched as the blue sky above swirled in view until the side of her head and her right cheek made contact with something hard, and she cried out in pain. Lying on the ground, she found that she did not have the strength to get up.
Her head throbbed in pain and she felt dizzy. She slowly lifted her head to see a pool of blood. She gasped in both shock and fear, and then her eyes rolled back and she could see nothing as her vision was consumed by darkness.
