i'm so tired... sorry if it shows. :(

54.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

that's what they say right?

i think it is

and even if it isn't it's what i do now

to myself

as i walk into the kitchen

and stare at the ticking red clock on the wall

that sounds like a thousand

ticking…

red…

TIMEBOMBS

"Bella… I'm–"

"I know, Edward. You're sorry..."

i could never not know that

even if i couldn't see him

or hear him

or feel him close

i'd still know

and that he'll let that sorrow eat away at him

if i let him "But not to blame."

"Did you hear–"

"Yes. I heard. Everything you said. Everything you ever have to me… when you weren't mumbling, of course. To my human ears…

"And, I repeat, you're NOT to blame. I don't blame you, Edward. Not for this. Not for the decisions of heartless, soulless, spineless, vengeful creatures."

that blame is all theirs

it lies with them

in their eternal graves

one of which hasn't been filled yet

the one thats emptiness will be my honor to disintegrate

"Just like I expect that you won't blame me for mine."

though expect is a bit strong

a bit more than a bit even

because it's a lot

but i can't let that lot matter

not so much that what else does doesn't

"You're none of those things, Bella."

maybe he just wishes i wasn't...

but "I'm at least one, Edward. And, if you don't already know it–which I, frankly, don't see how could be possible–you will."

"Bella…"

"No, Edward. THIS… happens my way. And if that's too much for you, then Be. On. Yours.

"I chose you, and this is what I was left with because I did. And because you didn't choose me back.

"And now... my revenge… well, I'm just not willing to sacrifice it. Not for anyone. Not even you. And not even if that not leaves me with no one, though, I imagine–no, I know–I'll still have Jake."

"Jake..."

yes Edward...

Jake

"Well, I'm glad you believe in someone, Bella."

so am i...

but i didn't say what i said to hurt you

to be spiteful

or cruel

i said it because it was something i could

something that felt solid enough to

and sturdy enough

to acknowledge

and to count on

and...

i wish it wasn't the only thing that did

but i didn't create that

the pain of it

or the truth that that pain stems from

for me

and for– "But, Bella, if it takes me a hundred years... or a thousand...

"I swear that someday you'll know that he isn't the only someone that you can."

i hope so Edward...

i really really do

.