[Spoken Word]

So here we are at the end,
And at the same time we're at the beginning
Of this misadventure.
Why I had to go down a dead end street
At 200 miles an hour
Screaming for vengeance and embracing death,
That's still something I'm trying to figure out.
You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan
To expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal.
But you know addicts, we think everything's about us, don't we


Chapter 52: Epilogue: Life After Death

Day 92

Dear Diary,

Three months clean. As you know, instead of being more of an outpatient during the last month, I opted to stay here. It was a safer bet for me, what with the clinic work weighing on me. I felt safer at the treatment centre. But now I'm ready to move into my new place full time. I'll still have meetings three times a week, sometimes four.

I'm still on probation from the team. I have another psych. eval. tomorrow and I've promised not to cheat. The results of that will determine whether I get to start back to work, or if I'll be on paid leave, or if I have to start looking elsewhere. Of course I'm hoping for one of the former two options. I want to go back to doing some good in the world. Catching the bad guys, and saving those who need saving. I've been given a second chance and I refuse to waste it.

The team has been a wonderful support system, and I know they'll continue to be one. I still have a lot of work to do to make it up to them, but I've done what I can to make amends so far. I've made amends to everyone. Well, almost everyone. There's still one person I wish I could talk to. It's horrible not knowing if someone you care about is alive or dead. And if they're alive, what condition they're in.

When I'm well enough, I'm going to try to find him. Tamesis, that is. I can't do it yet, it would be too much for me to try, especially if Connors is involved, and he probably is. But, when I'm back to work, and as normal as I can be, I'll search for him. At least get some resolution one way or the other. I want to apologize to him. Make it up to him. And help him too.

I had a problem with drugs, he has a problem of a different sort. He's so damaged. I don't know, maybe it's a lost cause to want to try, but everyone deserves to be helped. Who better to try than someone who can understand? But, I guess we'll just have to wait and see if I can or not.

Until then, I hope he's alive, and surviving. I miss him. Strange but true.

I was thinking maybe of getting a pet. A cat maybe. They're pretty independent, so if I do go back to work soon, so long as they're fed and watered it should be fine. I'll need to get to know my neighbours, to see if someone can be trusted enough to do that. That's another thing. I need to learn to trust people again. Trust myself and trust others. I trust the team, I trust Cilia, but anyone else is still a little off. Anyway, yeah, I think getting a pet will be good for me. Give me something to take care of, a sense of purpose. It'll be good.

Anyway, I have to pack all my clothes up and get ready to leave here. Wow, it's nerve wracking. Good, but still makes you jittery. I'll miss this place, but it'll nice to start fresh. Garcia's already set up our movie night for tomorrow, so I don't have much time to settle in, but I'm fine with that.

So, wish me luck, diary. I'll write again soon.

-Spencer



Man, it got so convoluted, polluted, and distorted
I turned it into my armor, my defense mechanism,
And my weapon of self destruction.
Yeah, I had a fucked up childhood. And I was a troubled teen.
Those are facts.
How I got there? That's a story told by many voice.
It's not my job to blame anybody anymore,
I just need to accept the path I was given.

This is, without a doubt,
My life... after death.



Addiction is a disease. I'll always be an addict, the only difference is if I'm and active addict, or a recovering addict.
- Unknown Author.



A/N: That end quote I heard a long time ago while watching an A&E Classroom documentary on addicts. It stuck with me, and I had to use it here.
So that's it, my dears. That's all she wrote. Quite literally. LOL
I thank you all for sticking with me through this 2 year, 2 month journey. 4 months if we include DSH in it too. *laughs*
As some of you know I'm taking a break now, to try and work on some original fiction. I want to write novel before the end of the year (New years resolution) After I'm done that, (unless I fail miserably) I'll start on the sequel for this. I already have the basic plot for it. So make sure you're alerts are set because you never know when I might start it.
Cheers everyone. Love you all!