Author Notes: It hurts me in the freedom glands to write this. I hope you're happy.
The Canadian situation was dire. To the south, a hostile enemy with great manpower and short supply chains. America was so close, and Britain so far, far away. Was it even possible to defend against a foe in such a superior position?
The Canadians needn't have worried.
The American attempts at war, if it could even be called that, were hilariously inept at best. The militia had poor morale, poor discipline, and were relying on a Canadian Revolution to occur. It didn't. In fact, the blustering of the Americans led to the stiffening of Canadian resolve. Indeed, some of the American forces even refused to cross the border and actually invade. The feared invasion came to a few burned buildings and poorly thrown insults from American troops.
Meanwhile, on the lakes, rival naval commanders faced off in a thumb-twiddling contest for the ages. There were a few minor skirmishes, but neither side was able to win a decisive victory, and much of the conflict was really the ship building competition they were having to try and secure naval superiority. They built boats and did essentially nothing with them.
On the coasts, a couple British ships went around raiding and generally causing havoc, even burning down the White House. Every once in a while, the Americans would manage to do something, anything at all, and these times were heralded as great victories.
After a few months of actual fighting, merchants on both sides were sick of losing trade and money, and pressured their governments. The British, still very busy with a Napoleonic Wars well in progress, agreed to pay the Americans 25,000 pounds to repair their capital and to restore the pre-war status quo. This was consistent with the British policy of buying peace and giving generous terms, but perhaps it would have been better to demand a surrender. From then on, the Americans would mark down the war as one of their victories, despite being nothing of the sort. The British were simply loath to devote forces to a conflict barely more intense than the average bar fight, one far less violent than your typical rock concert. The American forces could be described as laughable at best, and not as a force at all, at worst, and only the efforts of generals like Winfeld Scott after the war would change that. The American gunboats were useless against actual warships. Victory brought about the American Era of Good Feelings, a time best described as one in which all Americans on both sides of the aisle fellated each other for defeating a world-wide empire. Never mind that they actually had a very good position, and that their difficulties were mostly self-inflicted as they did not believe in a strong standing army or navy. They had done the impossible and humbled the British Lion. For Canada, they had defeated an invasion force and fought well and admirably in what few battles had occurred. Such intense levels of combat would not be seen again until the first hockey game was held.
For the British, the affair had cost them a very large amount of money through lost trade and needed supply, and had amounted to less casualties than a single Napoleonic Skirmish. The entire war was forgotten before it was even over, and the only noteworthy thing about it was the expense. Like a $150 dollop of food paste at a very high end restaurant, it did not satisfy and left them only with a vague feeling of disappointment and regret.
Nowadays, America has a professional standing army and navy. There's a very good reason for that. Some say that standing armies can lead to tyranny, and this is valid enough. But standing armies also allow for the fighting of conflicts tougher than a stiff breeze.
