Chapter 51 ~
"Mija? Theresa?" Pilar was standing over her sleeping daughter, with the muffin and cup of coffee she had requested not ten minutes ago. Now Theresa lay sound asleep in the recliner in the family lounge. Shaking her head motherly, Pilar reached for one of the blankets the staff had graciously let them use, and covered Theresa up.
For the last few days, Ethan and Theresa had haunted the halls between the lounge and the NICU, and at least one of them was always with Josh (as his name had been shortened to already). There was a hotel of sorts associated with the hospital that was available for out of town family of patients that would be hospitalized long term, but except to shower and change clothes, the couple hadn't been to their rooms. On one hand, Pilar fully understood their need to be close to their son, and couldn't imagine herself doing anything else had it been one of her children that was critically ill. But on the other hand, she couldn't help but wish that they both would take more breaks. Actually go and get a decent amount of rest instead of cat napping in the lounge. They both were so tired they were ready to drop.
At least they would be taking a little break today when the kids came. Ethan and Theresa were still discussing if the kids should be allowed to see their baby brother in such a serious condition. They worried that the girls especially would be frightened by all the medical equipment and tubes and wires, but it was decided that they should at least be brought up to see their parents. They hadn't seen them since Joshua had been born, and in fact had awakened that particular morning to both parents being gone.
Pilar took a seat herself and reached for a magazine. She hadn't been reading long when Martin showed up with Mrs. Patterson and the kids.
"Abuela!" the kids exclaimed before Pilar could quiet them. But it didn't matter. Theresa was sleeping so soundly she probably wouldn't have heard a tow truck drive through the building.
"We need to talk quietly, OK? Your mom is very tired, so we should let her sleep for awhile." The kids were gathered around their mom's chair, but did as they were told and didn't speak.
"So? How are things?" Martin asked and he and Mrs. Patterson found seats around the room as well.
Pilar sighed. "The same." Her voice was resigned. "But at least they aren't worse."
"Is Ethan with him now?" Mrs. Patterson asked then, and Pilar nodded.
"One of them is always with him."
The next few minutes were spent in quiet conversation, and then Theresa started to stir. Lily was in her lap before Theresa was even fully awake.
"Hi Mommy!"
"Hey Baby!" Theresa murmured sleepily as she returned Lily's hug. Soon, Bud and Jane were coming over for hugs of their own. "Daddy and I have missed you all so much."
"We miss you too." Jane said, and Bud agreed.
"Yeah. Cory and I can't play ball like when Dad plays with us. Nobody can bat; we just throw the ball back and forth. That's kind of boring. Uncle Noah played with us and it was nice, but not the same."
Theresa laughed. "Did you bring your ball and glove with you?"
Bud shook his head to the negative. "I didn't know if we'd be allowed to play here."
"Well, no. Not here at the hospital, but there's probably a park around here somewhere where you could." Theresa looked thoughtful. "Maybe we should look for one when we're out for lunch, huh? Then the next time you come, you can bring your gloves."
"Yeah!" Bud was very happy about that idea.
"Mommy, I brought Cinderella." Jane piped up.
"Cinerella." Lily clapped her hands.
"We haven't read that one together in a long time, have we?" Theresa said.
"No. Can we read it today?" Jane asked.
"I don't see why not." Theresa answered, and Jane smiled.
"Where's Dad?" Bud asked. "Is he with Josh?"
"Your Abuela went to let him know you're here now." Martin added after Theresa had nodded 'yes'.
Jane suddenly looked troubled.
"Jane? What's wrong?" Theresa asked.
"Are we going to see Josh today?"
Theresa paused, thinking back to her and Ethan's discussion of this very thing…
"I don't know, Honey. There's a lot of strange stuff in the room that might be scary for kids." Ethan said.
"I know. But I think Bud especially is old enough to understand what is going on, and we'll just explain to the girls that their baby brother is really sick right now and that everything they see is to help make him better."
Ethan still looked unconvinced. "True. Are we sure they're ready to see him like this though? Maybe we can wait until some of the equipment and things can be taken off."
Theresa had shaken her head. "When will that be? We have no idea. I just think that maybe they should be allowed to see him…in case…" she had trailed off then, and Ethan had immediately gone on the defensive.
"In case what? In case what, Theresa?"
"You know what."
"In case he dies, you mean? Theresa, he's not going to die."
"How do you know? The doctor won't even make that promise."
"He's not going to die because after all the pain we've been through in our lives, God just wouldn't let that happen." Ethan sounded sure.
"How do you know that? God let this happen."
"But He will not take our son. He won't do that." He was very adamant.
"Why? Because we don't want Him to? Ethan, we didn't want this either. But we have it. And the truth is…Josh could die."
"No. He won't! Where is this coming from? You're the one that always believes in miracles, and fate, and destiny, and faith. You always were the one saying that if you just believed hard enough you could make anything happen. Why aren't you saying that now?"
Theresa's eyes had filled with tears. "I don't know."
"Yes! You do!" Ethan always knew her better than she knew herself.
"I can't explain it." Theresa answered as the tears started to fall.
"Well try!" Ethan demanded. "I can't get through this if you don't believe with me…"
"Mom?" Bud's voice broke through her memory. "Are we?"
"I don't know." Theresa answered. "Your dad and I've been talking about that. You know there's a lot of equipment and tubes and things that are hooked up to your brother that will be strange for you to look at. We're not sure if you're ready to see him like that. What do you think?"
"I want to see him." Bud's answer was firm.
"Me too." Jane said. "Don't you think Josh should know we came to see him?"
Everyone in the room looked at each other, and Theresa's eyes met Ethan's. She wasn't sure when he had come in, but was fairly sure that he had heard most of the conversation. After an unspoken agreement, Ethan came over and put his arms around his two oldest children.
"If that's what you think, I think we should go see your brother."
"He's really small." Jane's words echoed her mother's from the first time she'd seen him as well.
"Yeah. Looking at Mom's stomach, I thought he'd be bigger too." Bud answered. He never took his eyes off his little brother, so he didn't see the good-natured eye roll the woman in question gave him, or notice his father's slight cough to cover his laugh.
High above the bed in her father's arms, Lily didn't look scared, just curious. "Is Dosh going to be good?" she asked in childish simplicity, and her pronunciation of her brother's name brought a smile to her parents' lips.
"Well, the doctors and nurses are working very hard to make Josh better." Ethan put emphasis on the letter 'J'. "Can you say Josh?" He again put the emphasis on the correct sound and waited for his young daughter to do the same.
"Dosh." Lily repeated looking seriously into Ethan's face.
"No Lily." Bud piped up. "Josh. Just like Jane. Jane. Josh."
"Jane…Dosh." Lily tried again.
Bud shook his head. "I don't get it. She can say 'Jane'. Why can't she say 'Josh'?"
Theresa was still laughing. "It's OK. She'll get it eventually."
"Can we touch him?" Jane asked.
"Umm. I don't know that that's such a good idea." Theresa answered. "You can talk to him quietly though. He can hear you."
Jane moved a little closer and toward the head of the incubator, careful not to touch anything. "What do we say?"
"Just tell him who you are, and that you love him very much, and that you want him to get better so he can come home with us. That kind of thing." Ethan said.
Jane nodded. "Hi Josh. I'm your big sister, Jane." She paused for minute, her brow furrowed in thought. "We really want you to get better soon." She didn't know what else to say, so Bud took a turn.
"Yeah. You got to get better so you can come home. And me and Dad can teach you how to play ball, and we can play in the pool. And you have to taste Mrs. Patterson's french fries. They are the best!" Bud paused now too. "I don't know what else to say."
"That's OK." Theresa rubbed his back. "He know you're here."
Lily started getting wiggly, and Ethan decided that it was time to cut the visit short. "OK guys. I think it's time to say goodbye to Josh."
"Bye Josh." Bud said.
"Love you." Jane replied next.
"Bye Dosh." Lily never wanted to be left out.
Theresa's heart was high in her throat as the rest of her family turned toward the door. She couldn't leave just yet. She always felt like if she turned her back for even one second he'd slip away before she could turn back, and her heart couldn't take that thought.
"Mom? Are you coming."
Bud again broke through her thoughts.
"Yeah honey. I'll be right there." Theresa smiled at her son, and then turned back to Josh.
"Bye my precious baby boy. Mommy loves you very much. I'll be back later—I promise. So don't go anywhere."
As Theresa caught up with the rest of her family, she prayed that the day would come when she could say those things as she held him in her arms and kissed his little head in the nursery at home.
