CHAPTER 50
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THE ONE GUEST NO ONE EVER WANTS TO SEE
"Is everyone ready? We can get started at any time now," Sarah Jane asked as the others took their places in eager anticipation of what was to come.
All of them but Fee that is who had already returned back home. She hadn't wanted to remain there one moment longer, and Sarah Jane couldn't blame her. She still felt extremely guilty over what she had done to her even though she had never had any intentions of actually following through with it.
"I've been ready. Let's please get this over with before someone else decides to show up. It could be the Slitheen next for all we know," Clyde said impatiently.
"Yes, because the Slitheen routinely show up to crash weddings. It happens all the time," Sky said as she rolled her eyes at him.
"And yet again you prove exactly just how much of a romantic that you really are, Mr. Langer. Is this how you're going to be at our wedding too? Are you going to be constantly yelling at everyone to speed everything along?" Rani said in an irritated tone.
"Maybe I will be if we wind up getting attacked too. Come to think of it maybe we shouldn't even try to have a ceremony at all after what happened here today. Maybe we should just use your TARDIS to run off somewhere and elope when the time comes. It might be a whole lot safer that way," Clyde said as he gave her a concerned look.
Rani smiled at him now as she said in a reassuring voice, "Hey, you don't have to be worried about me, Clyde. I can take care of myself. I promise. If anyone does try to crash my wedding after everything that I've gone through in order to get you to marry me, they're going to find themselves wishing that they had bothered River Song instead. I'll be beyond angry at that point. Nothing is going to ruin that day for me. Nothing."
Clyde shuddered at the way her voice had suddenly turned hard towards the end of her last sentence. That wasn't the Rani that he knew talking at all by that point. That was obviously the part of her that was Annika speaking because the full fury of a Time Lord was definitely on display in that moment.
"Sorry," Rani immediately said in an apologetic tone as she sounded like her usual self once more.
Clyde couldn't help but laugh despite how uncomfortable seeing that side of her had just made him. That embarrassed look that she had just had on her face showed him beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was still the same old Rani Chandra deep down. No matter how different she sometimes acted since the day she had first opened her fob watch, she was still the same person that he had fallen in love with so long ago.
"You know what, Rani? Forget everything that I just said, okay? We're going to have a ceremony so big that it will make everyone else in the universe explode with jealousy. I don't care if every alien that we've ever met decides to show up. Nothing's going to stop us. We're still going to do whatever you want no matter how long it takes us," Clyde said with a warm smile.
Rani immediately gave him a passionate kiss and said, "I don't care about having a big wedding or even a fancy one as long as you're there. Thank you for the sentiment though. I appreciate it. It's nice to know that you actually can be thoughtful and considerate sometimes."
"I just want you to be happy. Besides I really don't want to end up dead on my wedding day," Clyde said with an evil smile.
"You just couldn't resist could you? You just had to end it all with a stupid joke," Rani said with a sigh.
"Who's joking? Did all of you see her face just now?" Clyde said with a grin.
"Trust me. I'm going to make her seem like the nice one of the group by comparison if you don't shut up and let me have my wedding, Clyde," Maria warned in a furious voice as she finally lost her patience at last.
"You'd better listen to her, Clyde. She always means business whenever she has that look on her face," Luke warned.
"And you still want to marry her? Are you sure? It's still not too late to back out while you still can, you know?" Clyde said.
Maria and Rani both gave him looks that would have even sent a Cyberman running away in terror in that moment as he nervously said, "I was just joking. I do that whenever I've just gone through a major traumatic experience. Can't you take a little joke, Maria?"
"Don't make me hurt you, Clyde. Rani might not like it if I do any permanent damage to you," Maria said through clenched teeth.
"Oh, you don't have to worry about me. Go right ahead, Maria," Rani said with a frown.
"Alright, that's enough. All of you just need to calm down. This is supposed to be a happy day for everyone, and all you can do is threaten Clyde. I know he deserves it but that's no reason to ruin a perfectly good wedding is it?" Sarah Jane said with a chuckle.
"You too, Sarah Jane? Is no one on my side these days?" Clyde asked in despair.
"Don't look at me. You're all on your own this time," Luke said in a nervous voice.
"Maybe we should send him to visit Libby for a while, Sarah Jane. I guarantee that after she's made him run a couple of dozen miles or so that he won't be quite so eager to make annoying jokes anymore," Kali offered.
Clyde immediately became silent as Kali said with a smug grin, "And that, ladies, is how it's done. I do hope that you were paying careful attention just now, Rani."
Sarah Jane instantly shook her head at her as she said, "Thank you, Kali. Now if we're all ready, I think that we should finally get started."
"Wait a minute. I still haven't found out who was going to marry them yet. It is someone with the proper credentials, isn't it? Someone who's legally able to marry people on this planet? I mean with the sort of crowd that you hang out with, Sarah Jane, I wouldn't doubt it if you brought in some kind of space monk or something to do the ceremony," Chrissie said.
"I'm sure Sarah Jane's already made sure of all of that, Chrissie," Alan said with a sigh.
"Maybe but I just want to make absolutely certain of it so that we don't have to wind up going through all of this again. I definitely don't want to go through another day like this one. That might be a completely normal afternoon for you lot, but I'm definitely going to have more than a few nightmares tonight," Chrissie complained.
"You're going to have nightmares? What about me? I was told that this was just going to be a nice, simple wedding ceremony, and suddenly I wind up in the middle of the Time War Part 2. I should have known that something like this would happen with you involved in things, Sarah Jane. You're just as bad as the Doctor," An agitated voice said from the doorway of Sarah Jane's house.
"Thank you," Sarah Jane said with a grin.
"Well, I'm glad that someone's enjoying themselves here because I'm certainly not. What is it with you and insane people attacking during weddings anyway?" The owner of the voice said in an even angrier tone than before now.
"I promise you that I had no idea that would happen, Elana. How was I to know that the wedding would wind up being attacked by the Trickster? He was supposed to be dead after all. People actually do stay dead sometimes even in a life like mine," Sarah Jane said with an amused smile.
"Since when? Name the last one of your enemies who didn't do a sudden miraculous return from the afterlife at some point. See? You can't because there isn't one. I'd definitely better be getting paid a lot of money for this one, Sarah Jane," The voice said as its owner hesitantly started to come outside at last.
Everyone but Sarah Jane gasped in surprise even as Chrissie's eyes went as wide as saucers as she saw who was standing there.
"W – What is going on here? Who or what is that?" She said in a frightened voice.
"You and your big mouth, Clyde," Rani said as her jaw dropped.
"I was just joking when I said all of that about the Slitheen coming to the wedding, Sarah Jane. You didn't have to actually take me up on it," Clyde said as he stared at the latest arrival in disbelief.
It was indeed a Slitheen standing there before them dressed in what looked like a nun's outfit and wearing a very annoyed expression on her face as she gave Sarah Jane a dirty look.
"I'm getting the distinct impression that I'm not wanted here. First I'm almost blown to pieces by a demented madman with really bad teeth and now I'm being stared at like everyone thinks that I'm going to start coming after them with a fork and a bottle of tartar sauce at any moment. For your information, humans, I don't eat your kind. I've been a vegetarian ever since I took my vows with Tasha Lem. I wouldn't eat any of your species anyway even if I hadn't judging by those slack jawed looks on your faces. I prefer my food to be of a much higher caliber," The Slitheen said in an indignant tone.
"Listen, everyone, Elana here is a friend of mine. I met her when the Doctor and I came across her on Vega Seti V together after Rose invited me to go traveling with them once. Elana was there carrying out a marriage when someone tried to assassinate the bride at her own wedding and almost wound up causing an interplanetary war over it. She was so helpful to us when it came to discovering who was actually behind that whole thing that she and I wound up becoming very good friends because of it despite how it might seem right now. That's why I choose her to carry out this wedding for Luke and Maria," Sarah Jane explained.
"That may be but all I can hear from her is a whole lot of attitude so far though, Sarah Jane. Did she come here to marry us or insult us?" Maria said with a frown.
"I might end up doing both . . . if I'm in a good enough mood before the day's over," Elana said in an angry voice.
"I bet I'm looking pretty good right now, aren't I?" Clyde said with a smirk.
"Nope. I'd still rather listen to her than you right now. You'd still win a vote on who's the most annoying person here by a landslide," Maria said without any hesitation whatsoever.
"Maybe I was wrong about some of you after all. I like her, Sarah Jane. I always like people who can dish it out just as well as they can get it. She might make an excellent bride after all," Elana said with a grin.
"Do me a favor, Rani. Do not invite her to our wedding," Clyde said.
"That's definitely not going to be a problem," Rani said with a look of distaste on her face.
"Are you really sure that this . . . person can legally marry Maria and Luke, Sarah Jane? I really wouldn't think so," Chrissie said as she continued to stare at the Slitheen in disbelief.
"Are you trying to say that I, Elana Fotch Del-Spar Slitheen, am a phony, human? I should have expected such mindless prejudice like that from you lot. I assure you that I really am an actual member of the Papal Mainframe even if I am a Slitheen. Not all of us are criminals, you know? Some of my family actually do have legitimate jobs and earn an honest living despite all of the unfair stereotypes being spread about us out there. No matter what you might think I really am legally able to carry out marriages on any planet in this galaxy even a backwards world like this one. I've been given full approval to carry out this wedding by the Prime Minister herself so it's definitely legal," Elana said in an offended tone.
"Okay, okay. I believe you. You don't have to get your nose all out of joint," Chrissie said as she held up her hands in surrender.
"Was that a jab about my anatomy, human?" Elana asked in an even more agitated voice.
"No, it wasn't. I won't say another word from now on. I promise," Chrissie said in irritation.
"I'll believe that when I see it," Alan muttered.
"I'm glad that someone else is as annoyed by her as I am for once," Sarah Jane whispered to Peter.
"You'll have to give her a little slack, Sarah Jane. This kind of life can be very jarring to someone who isn't used to it. It still is to me too to be honest. I really don't see how all of you can just casually dismiss everything that happened and start joking around with one another like it's an ordinary day. I'm still more than a bit shaken up by the whole thing myself especially after watching what that monster did to you," Peter admitted in a troubled voice.
"I suppose when you've been in as many life and death situations as I have not much gets to you anymore, Peter. I'm sorry. I didn't even realize that this was bothering you so much. I'll have to remember not to be so nonchalant about things in the future until I'm sure that you're alright," Sarah Jane said apologetically.
She was beginning to fear that maybe he might turn out to be more like Chrissie than she thought and wind up completely rejecting this life of hers. She might even wind up losing him over it.
The thought of that terrified her more than the Trickster ever could.
"That's never going to happen, Sarah Jane. I'm not going anywhere no matter how bothered that I might get about all of this at times. I guarantee it. I mean I'm still here despite knowing what the Trickster did to me. What does that tell you?" Peter said as he instantly realized what she was thinking by the look on her face.
"That you're far better than I deserve, Peter Dalton," Sarah Jane said with a grateful smile.
"That's funny. That's exactly what I was just thinking about you," Peter said as he kissed her.
Elana groaned as she said, "And I thought that she was irritating enough before she got a boyfriend. Now she's just downright insufferable with one. This flirting is really making me want to retch right about now."
"Are you sure that she's a friend of yours?" Peter asked with a chuckle.
"Oh, don't pay any attention to her. That's just how she expresses her affection," Sarah Jane said dismissively.
"If that's affection, I definitely don't want to see how she acts when she can't stand someone," Clyde quipped.
"Keep talking and you might just find out, human. Can we get started now or should I just renounce my vows and eat this one, Sarah Jane? At least I would get something worthwhile out of this whole mess," Elana said with a sigh.
"Be my guest," Sarah Jane said.
"Hey!" Clyde shouted.
"I meant to perform the wedding ceremony of course," Sarah Jane quickly added.
Elana gave Clyde an evil smile as she said, "What a pity. Oh, well. I suppose I'll start the ceremony now then. Everyone take their places and we'll begin."
"She was just winding you up. It's not like she really wanted to eat you," Sarah Jane said with a grin to a clearly upset looking Clyde.
"At least I don't think she did anyway," She said to herself in a low voice.
"I'll make this whole thing short and to the point since I'm sure that all of you want to get out of here just as much as I do. Maria Jackson, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband until death do you both part or are you actually going to settle down and live an ordinary life instead? Thank carefully. This is your last chance to get out. Once you're in Sarah Jane's world, there is no going back I'm afraid," Elana warned.
"That's exactly what I said but no one listened to me," Chrissie muttered.
"Elana," Sarah Jane said in disbelief as she completely ignored Chrissie just as she usually did.
"I'm sorry, Sarah Jane, but I cannot in good conscience marry this girl into your family without at least giving her a chance to back out, can I?" Elana said in a meaningful tone.
Luke's heart filled with terror now as he studied Maria's face for any signs that she might actually be thinking things over. He truly wouldn't be able to blame her if she did especially after what had happened here today, but he also knew that he would never, could never, love anyone else again if she rejected him.
It had always been her from the very first moment that he saw her. He had been hopelessly in love with her from the day that he was born even if he had never been able to tell her that before.
To Luke's immense relief, Maria actually smiled at Elana now as she said, "I appreciate that but I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to help Sarah Jane no matter how dangerous things got and I meant it. Besides . . . there's never been anyone else for me but Luke. I've known that for a long time now. I don't need a chance to back out, Elana. I had my chance when I had to leave the first time. That I came back should tell you everything that you need to know."
"Both of you," Maria added with a meaningful look at Luke this time.
"I love you," Luke said as he gave her a tender kiss filled with love and gratitude.
"I love you too. Now let's do this before Mrs. Wormwood decides to drop in next, and I'm not even sure that I'm kidding by this point. That's exactly what kind of day that this has been so far," Maria said with a mischievous smile.
"Tell me about it. Alright then so I'll repeat the question. Maria Jackson, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedding husband until death do you both part?" Elana asked once more.
"I do," Maria said as a huge smile filled with joy started to cover her face while Luke slipped a ring onto her finger.
"Do you, Luke Smith, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded bride until death do you both part or maybe not even then since this is your mother that we're talking about here? I mean she can always get her good mate, Rose, to bring one of you back at the drop of a hat can't she? That must be nice to have someone like that in your corner, eh?" Elana said.
"Elana," Sarah Jane said in a warning tone.
"Fine. Just answer the first question, Luke," Elana said with a slight grin.
"I do," Luke said with just as big of a smile as Maria's at that moment as she put a ring on his finger.
"Then by the power invested in me by the Mother Superious herself I now pronounce you man and wife. Good luck to both of you. You're going to need it around that woman. Trust me," Elana said with a smirk.
"Thank you so much for the commentary, Elana," Sarah Jane said in an annoyed tone.
"No problem. You'll be glad to know that there won't be any extra charge for it either. You may now kiss the bride, Luke, you lucky boy," Elana said with a chuckle.
Sarah Jane's heart filled with joy as Maria and Luke finally kissed for the first time as husband and wife. For a while there, she had truly begun to wonder if she would ever get to see this moment.
Now that she finally had, she knew now more than ever that it had all been completely worth it.
"I just love weddings, don't you? I always wind up getting all emotional at them. I especially loved your last one, Sarah Jane," An unfamiliar voice suddenly said beside her.
She turned to see a dark haired young woman with a look of pure malevolence written all over her features standing there next to her. She had absolutely no idea who this was or how she had come there without her noticing her.
At least not at first anyway and then with her power as a Guardian she suddenly knew without even having to be told exactly who this was.
"So you were behind the Trickster's latest power increase then?" Sarah Jane asked in a cold tone.
The woman shook her head as she said, "Oh, no. I'd like to take the credit but I simply can't I'm afraid. That one was all the brainchild of someone else entirely. In fact, he's someone who I'd really like to meet if he ever gets to come to this world. I have a feeling that he and I would get along quite well if he's anything like his father. That man gave me quite a lot of business once upon a time and then he gave me a whole lot more during the Time War. It was all a little too much for my brothers and sisters to take though. They all fled from this reality for a very long time thanks to that mess. They weren't half as strong as I am so they simply couldn't handle all the chaos anymore."
"So you've just come here to admire someone else's handiwork then? Why do I find that so very hard to believe?" Sarah Jane asked as she eyed the woman warily.
"I can't imagine, dear. No, I've come for another reason entirely. I just wanted to congratulate the happy new couple. Surely you wouldn't begrudge me that would you?" The woman asked with an evil laugh.
"I won't allow you to do anything to either of them so you can just get that thought out of your head right now," Sarah Jane said.
"Oh, you misunderstand me completely, old friend. I'm not here for them at all," The woman said as she suddenly turned to stare at Peter.
Peter immediately gave Sarah Jane a questioning look as he said to the mysterious woman, "Do I know you?"
"Yes, you did once. You and I knew each other quite well as a matter of fact until the Wolf intervened and changed things. She has altered the cosmic balance just one time too many this time though and I mean to correct that. I will reclaim what is mine before all is said and done. You can count on that," The woman threatened.
"You're not actually her no matter what you claim. The Doctor told me about you a long time ago. You only pretend to be her because it suits your fancy. It's another one of your kind's sick, twisted little games that you play on others for your own amusement," Sarah Jane said.
"Is it or did the Doctor lie to you, Miss Smith? He does do that from time to time, you know? Maybe I'm far more powerful than even you can comprehend," The woman said with a sinister chuckle.
"Stop it! I know exactly what you are and what you aren't, and you're not playing your demented little games with me," Sarah Jane said in a commanding tone.
"You're simply no fun at all. Do you know that? Maybe I am and maybe I'm not who I say I am but that still won't stop me from righting the cosmic balance, Guardian. The Wolf once stole my Champion away from me, and now I am going to take one of her own people away from her as recompense for that slight. It's only fair that I claim the one that she brought back to life on a casual whim. It's all so fitting considering who I am or at least who I've always claimed to be anyway, don't you think?" The woman said with a chuckle.
"You stay away from him!" Sarah Jane shouted in a furious voice.
"You cannot stop me, Guardian. No one can. Not even the Wolf herself. Soon enough now I have a feeling that I will have a brand new champion who will more than replace the one that she took from me, and then I'll even be coming for her as well. On that day, I will finally claim even her life for my own," The woman boasted.
"Not if I have anything to say about it you won't," Sarah Jane said.
"Please! You won't even be able to save him much less her," The woman said as she started to laugh uncontrollably.
"Exactly who are you and what are you doing at my wedding?" Maria demanded as she finally lost her temper.
"The name is Ariana. Ariana Duquesne. Very pleased to meet you," The woman said as she stretched out her hand to her.
Sarah Jane immediately got in-between them as she warned Maria, "Don't touch her. Don't even go anywhere near her."
"You're keeping your promise to her mother already I see, old friend. You always stand between me and them though, don't you? It's no matter though. I'm not interested in her anyway. No, I know who I want. I know exactly who will cause both you and the Wolf the most pain and I will have him. Sooner or later, I will triumph no matter what you do this time to stop me. You can count on that," The woman calling herself Ariana threatened.
"Go. Get out of her. Now," Sarah Jane commanded.
"Yes, I suppose there really is no further point in my staying anyway is there? Ta ta for now, Sarah Jane. I will return however for what is mine and it will be much sooner than you think. I guarantee you that there will be no wedding day for you. Not with this one at least anyway," Ariana said as she gave Peter a grim smile.
Then she suddenly vanished right before everyone's eyes.
"Okay, who was that? Tell me. Right now," Maria demanded from Sarah Jane.
"It was . . . no one. No one that you need to worry about anyway," Sarah Jane said in a clearly upset voice.
"Sarah Jane, who was she?" Maria said with concern this time instead of anger as soon as she realized how this was affecting her friend.
Sarah Jane said nothing in response until Peter said, "Please, Sarah Jane. I want to know too. What is this all about?"
Sarah Jane briefly hesitated and then said, "That was one of the Eternals, Peter. They're extremely powerful beings who love to play games with humanity for their own amusement. This one is more demented than any of the others though because she actually claims to be the embodiment of a universal concept and uses that lie to trick and terrify people. It's not true though no matter what she says. You can believe me on that."
"I do believe you, Sarah Jane. Who or what is she claiming to be though?" Peter implored.
"Death, Peter. She pretends to be Death. That's what she's called herself since the early days of the Time Lords. She's an ancient being who loves to torment others for her own amusement and now she's after you because Rose took the Master away from her. She once tried to make the Master into her personal puppet or her Champion as she called it. Rose made sure that she could never do that again. Now she wants to take you away from me as revenge for that. She knows that it will hurt Rose because she brought you back personally in order to make me happy. I won't let her do it though. I promise you that I won't," Sarah Jane reassured him as she tried not to cry.
"Like I said before, Sarah Jane, I believe you. I'll always believe in you," Peter said as he put his arms around her.
Next: Even with that ominous threat hanging over their heads, Death isn't who Sarah Jane and company are going to be worried about next time. Next time it's the Trickster's turn at bat once more as he returns once again to finish what he started. We'll also finally find out exactly where his new power came from and who gave it to him at the same time. It's an answer that Sarah Jane definitely won't like in the slightest and neither will anyone else in Guardian Who.
