Author's note: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me! Okay, that's not entirely what this chapter is about, but it's kind of like that.


Chapter 54: Caught in the Act

"So it's easy to remember really." I explained to Sugar Plum as we walked down the street. "Mike Myers is Austin Powers, Michael Myers is from the slasher flics."

"Mike's the spy, Michael's a bad guy." Sugar Plum repeated.

"That's right." I nodded. "And then, Tom's the cowboy, and Tim's the spaceman." I recited.

"And that's from..." She thought to herself.

"It's from the holy trilogy." I hinted to her.

"Star... Battles?" She asked

"Oh come on, that's Star Wars, the holy saga, Toy Story is the holy trilogy." I explained as we walked. "But you'll catch on."

"Thanks daddy." She giggled before stopping and realizing something. "Daddy, I think I left Mr. Stuffly in the bar yesterday."

"Well, here's the key." I gave her the key. "Go and get him and meet me outside the bar."

"Okay daddy." She smiled as she opened the lock on the backdoor of the bar using her horn's magic. She hummed softly to herself as she walked through the back room and into the back door of my office. She opened the door and grabbed Mr. Stuffly, who sat upon my desk chair.

"There you are silly, come on!" She said as she grabbed him. Suddenly, outside the door to the main bar area, she heard something. She held her ear up to the door and listened. There were two voices, one female, one male. Both familiar.

"When are we going to tell them?" The female voice asked.

"I don't know, soon enough." The male voice said.

"We've got to soon, we were almost caught a few days ago. Luckily Chuck's not the brightest." The female remarked.

"You show high regard for your friend." The male voice chuckled.

"I love the guy, but sometime's he's got the brains of a potato salad." The female chuckled.

"You're so cute when you come up with those insults." The male voice remarked. "C'mere you." Sugar Plum listened more, she heard the sound of the two kissing, just then her leaning against the door caused the door to open up and she fell to the floor with a thud, she looked up and saw Cheese Sandwich and Ivory Keys... locking lips. Cheese opened his eyes in shock and Ivory pulled away, wiping her lips off.

"Sugar Plum!" Ivory stammered. "What... what brings you here?"

"Is your dad here?" Cheese asked.

"I was... just in here to get Mr. Stuffly..." She replied. "And then I heard you two talking and-"

"And you didn't think to mind your own damn business?" Ivory arched her brow.

"Hon, please." Cheese Sandwich chuckled. "Look, kiddo, what you saw was... well, when two ponies like each other, sometimes they..."

"I know what kissing is Uncle Cheese." Sugar Plum looked up at Cheese. "I just didn't know that you two really liked each other!"

"Life is funny like that kid." Ivory said. "Listen, Sugar Plum, we need you to do us a favor."

"What?" Sugar Plum asked.

"We need you to keep what you just saw... a secret." Cheese Sandwich said.

"You mean you want me lie?" Sugar Plum asked with a gasp.

"No no... not a lie, per say, what we're talking about here is a secret, for example, when Chuck asks you what kept you in here, just tell him you uhh... got sidetracked!" Ivory explained. "Because technically you did get sidetracked!"

"By catching you two kissing..." Sugar Plum added.

"Yes, but you don't tell him that part." Ivory explained. "It's not a lie, but it's keeping the secret a secret."

"It's like a game of hide and seek!" Cheese Sandwich nodded. "But... just with the fact that Ivory and I were kissing."

"Okay... our little secret." Sugar Plum smiled. "Your secret is safe with me."

"Thank Celestia." Cheese breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now, run along before your dad comes in here." Ivory waved her off.

"Bye you guys! Have fun!" Sugar Plum waved as she left through the back.

"You'd better believe it kid," Ivory chuckled. "Now where were we?"

Outside, I leaned against the back wall of the tavern, I was just about ready to go in myself and see what was keeping her when the door opened up. Sugar Plum walked out with her bear.

"There you are," I remarked. "What kept you?"

"I... got sidetracked." She said, remembering what Ivory had told her.

"Alright then, come on, we still need to stop at the market and get pickles for your mother." I said, leading her on.

"What kind?" Sugar Plum asked.

"She wants an assortment, I told her they don't sell "assorted pickles", she started to cry, I needed to fix the issue, so now we're buying a jar of each kind and making assorted pickles." I explained. "The funny part is she'll have moved onto a new craving by the time we get home."

"What do you think that will be?" Sugar Plum asked.

"My energy, maybe a bit of my sanity." I said as we walked along.

"You can't eat sanity." Sugar Plum said.

"Yeah... just wait until you're married and expecting." I chuckled. "You'll find a way to."

"Mommy's gonna love to hear that one." Sugar Plum remarked.

"Unless you'd love to spend the weekend in your room what I said stays between us." I replied.

"Like a secret?" Sugar Plum asked.

"I guess, sure." I shrugged.

"Auntie Ivory taught me about those." Sugar Plum mentioned.

"Oh did she? When was that?" I asked, kind of half interested.

"Just today." She said. I turned to her and arched my brow.

"And when did you see Auntie Ivory? We've been together all day." I remarked.

"She was there in the tavern when I went and got Mr. Stuffly." Sugar Plum told me.

"And what was she doing there?" I asked her. Sugar Plum's eyes widened, she had said too much.

"Um... nothing!" She said. "Nothing at all!"

"So if we turned around and went to the bar right not, there would just be a whole lot of nothing happening?" I asked.

"Um..." She thought. "Well there's uh..."

"Is anypony else with her?" I asked.

"Well..." She spoke up. "I'm technically not at liberty to say."

"So that's a yes." I said as we turned around and went back for the bar. Sugar Plum stammered and giggled nervously as we walked, trying to deter me from going to the bar, something was kind of fishy. And I was about to find out what. Quietly, I slide my key into the lock of the front door and unlock it, I carefully opened the door and then looked inside. There was... nothing. Sugar Plum breathed a huge sigh of relief to see she hadn't blown the secret after all. And that would have been the case, had they not blown it for themselves.

"C'mon, just for fun, I'll wear your Hawaiian shirt, and you wear my collar and tie." I heard Ivory's voice say from the backroom. Quietly, I walked through the bar and peeked into the pool room, and there they were, atop the pool table I paid my hard earned bits for, making out.

"I do hope I'm not interrupting something." I spoke up. The two jolted up and shot nervous looks at me.

"Sunova bitch." Ivory sighed. "Well, cat's out of the bag now." She grumbled.

"Chuck!" Cheese Sandwich chuckled. "How are you, buddy?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Sugar Plum exclaimed running in. "He just squeezed it outta me!"

"It's not your fault." Cheese Sandwich smiled at her.

"Well, it kind of is." Ivory said. "But it's mostly our faults, both for trying to keep this a secret for too long and for thinking a five year old filly could keep a secret."

"Excuse me?" I spoke up. "Hello? Yeah, guy who kind of wants to know what's going on here."

"Aunt Ivory and Uncle Cheese are in love." Sugar Plum told me.

"Well, it's really more, 'in like' for now." Cheese blushed.

"I was able to figure out that much." I remarked. "But how long has this been happening? Why have you been keeping it a secret? And God, why do you gotta make out on my pool table!?"

"Okay, okay." Ivory sighed. "I'll tell you. It all happened about a month and a half ago."

"At your wedding party." Cheese Sandwich nodded.


Wedding after-party, June 15th

"Alright folks, now it's time for a slower number, so grab you partner and let the couples dance begin!" Spike announced behind a DJ booth on the karaoke stage. Ponies partnered up with husbands, wives, or special someponies. Ivory looked out at them all, they all had someone. Someone who cared about them, of course, normally she wouldn't actually reflect on herself seeing this, but she was quite a few drinks in. She just sighed as she slouched forward on the counter.

"This seat taken?" A voice behind her asked. Ivory turned and saw Cheese Sandwich, looking to get away from it all too.

"Be my guest." Ivory nodded. "Nopony to dance with?"

"Well, you know what they say: 'The cheese stands alone'." He joked. Ivory snorted a laugh at his joke and grinned at him.

"Now that was clever." She chuckled. "Takes a real trooper to make fun of themselves and be clever about it."

"Well, I did major in self deprecation class in college." He chuckled. "Nopony to dance with either?"

"Not really, unless of course you count whatever the special is that I've been drinking." She said, looking at the menu. "Here Rums The Bride'." She read. "Oh Celestia..." She rolled her eyes.

"That's a bad pun even by my standards." Cheese laughed. "I can't imagine why nopony would want to dance with you. You're quite pretty."

"From what I've heard it's because I'm a real bitch." Ivory grumbled. "I built up walls after all that happened to me as a foal, it's hard for me to meet ponies, it's even harder for me to even consider having feelings for them."

"You didn't have any problem meeting me." Cheese mentioned.

"Did I have a choice?" Ivory asked. "We're coworkers, I couldn't just pretend you didn't exist."

"I mean, you could've tried, but I have a tendency to make my presence known." Cheese remarked.

"Is that your way of saying you're loud, a little obnoxious, and very in-your-face cheery?" Ivory asked.

"You think I'm obnoxious?" Cheese asked.

"I'm kidding." Ivory laughed. "You're okay." They sat there in silence for a moment, until Ivory spoke again. "You... really think I'm pretty?" She asked

"Yeah." Cheese nodded.

"Thanks." She smiled. "You're sweet."

"I always imagined I was more savory than sweet." Cheese joked.

"Oh shut up." Ivory laughed. "Look... this might be kind of dumb, but do you maybe want to go for drinks?"

"We are at a bar." Cheese stated.

"I meant somewhere else, with less... party going on." Ivory explained. "I know a nice cafe not far from here, maybe you'd want to?" She asked.

"You know what?" Cheese asked. "I think I'll take you up on that."


And in a way the rest was history, they had a nice night together, nice enough that they did it again, and another time, until they eventually decided that they liked each other and they really were a couple. For Ivory, Cheese made her smile, he made her laugh. And as for Cheese, Ivory kept all four of his hooves on the ground and at the same time was able to tolerate his silliness and antics. There was still one thing that kind of escaped me regarding the whole thing.

"But... why keep it a secret?" I asked them.

"A couple of reasons really." Ivory said. "Let's be real here, all Ponyville has really cared about for a month and a half was you an' Pinkie getting married, then adopting Sugar Plum here, and now you've got another foal on the way."

"If we went public, it would look like we just wanted attention." Cheese added.

"Which is the opposite of what we want, we don't really want a big deal made about us dating." Ivory explained. "And, let's face it. Some ponies in this town... your wife for one, really like to turn molehills into mountains and make a big deal out of things that really aren't."

"So, whenever we wanted to spend time as a couple, we'd sneak in here on the closed days." Cheese explained. "It was super easy since you gave both of us sets of keys when you hired us."

"I didn't give you those keys so you could make out on the pool table." I said flatly.

"What's make out?" Sugar Plum asked.

"Well," Ivory said. "It's a whole lot like kissing, but with a lot more movements of the hooves and often there's a lot of-"

"Need I remind you she's five years old?" I said sternly, covering her ears.

"I knew when I was five." Ivory said.

"Well, the sixties was a different time." I quipped. "Look, I kind of get where you're coming from, but there's no real reason to hide it. Frankly, I'm really happy for both of you." I smiled. "And when you do decide to go public, I'll see to it that the situation remains the molehill that it is."

"Thanks Chuck." Ivory smiled.

"You're a real pal." Cheese nodded with a grin.

"But I can't promise this newfound information won't effect when I schedule you two, I can't have you two getting distracted on the job." I chuckled.

"We've been a secret to the public for a month and a half now, I think we know how to keep it inconspicuous to the public." Ivory rolled her eyes.

"Point taken." I nodded. "Well, Sugar Plum and I have pickles to buy and assort, make sure to lock up when you're done." I said as Sugar Plum and I went for the door. I closed the door behind me and Sugar Plum and I walked off to the market.

"Now you're part of the secret too!" Sugar Plum smiled.

"No I'm not, I'm having the biggest, most molehill-to-mountain party possible thrown for them." I grinned.

"Really?" Sugar Plum asked.

"No, but I can't promise that I won't tell your mother, I only keep secrets in life or death situations." I explained.

"Shouldn't life or death situations be a time not to keep things hidden?" Sugar Plum asked.

"You've got a real good way of looking at things." I remarked. "But stop being right, it makes me look bad as a dad." I chuckled as we entered the market. "Okay, pop quiz, while I get the pickles, name the four South Park boys."

"Kyle..." She stopped and thought. "Kenny, Stan..." She thought some more.

"Come on, it's my secret nickname for Uncle Quibble." I encouraged her.

"Which one? You have a million secret nicknames for him." She said.

"Half of them you aren't allowed to say, so that should narrow it down." I chuckled. "I need a jar of dills, dill and garlic, bread 'n butter, Kosher dill, and gherkins."

"Let me guess." The clerk said as he rung up my purchase. "You've got a pregnant mare at home?"

"How'd you guess?" I asked.

"Pickles are one of the most common pregnancy cravings." He chuckled. "That and I was at your party last week."

"That explains it." I nodded.

"Want my advice? That shop over there sells kettle chips, get a good variety of that. And you're gonna want to pick up ice cream too." The clerk said. "Good to keep your bases covered, happy wife, happy life huh?" He chuckled. "You want an empty jar to make the disgusting 'assortment' jar?"

"How'd you know I was doing that?" I asked.

"You think you're the first stallion here who's ever gotten a variety of pickles for his pregnant wife?" He asked.

"Good point, ring it up please." I nodded.

"I got it! Tubsy McWhines a lot!" Sugar Plum exclaimed.

"Nope." I shook my head.

"Squabble Head?" She asked as we walked off.

"Not that one either." I shook my head.

"Dicksy Wicksy?" She asked.

"That's one of the one's you aren't allowed to say." I said sternly.


That night: dinner

We ate outside in the backyard that night, it was such a nice evening I wanted to take advantage. I hummed softly to myself as I flipped hayburger patties on the barbecue. I chuckled to myself in realization of something, this was my first real 'dad' moment, I've had moments of parenting, but flipping burgers while humming an old rock song and sipping a beer? That's a dad moment. Sure I've done exactly that before, but it had always been before Sugar Plum came along.

"Order up!" I called to Pinkie and Sugar Plum who were playing in the yard. "Ketchup, mustard, and relish is right on the picnic table, and I got a case of sodas for drinks."

"Chuckie! Look who's on the label!" Pinkie said, showing my a bottle, it was none other than Tempest Shadow, or her real name more appropriately Fizzlepop Berrytwist. "Sugar Plum, remind me to tell you about the time Chuckie and I helped save Equestria from her big mean boss." She giggled.

"She's an entrepreneur now, good for her." I remarked. "Now let's eat huh?"

"Well howdy ho neighbor!" A voice that in recent weeks has gradually become more and more infuriating. It was... my neighbor... Jonty Jovihooves. He was nice enough, after all it was in the name, but he was too nice. He was always smiling, always added extra unnecessary syllables to his sentences, and he had a mustache, he was blessed with the ability to grow mustache and I wasn't. "Having a little cookout?"

"Well, I'm not prepping an apocalypse shelter." I said flatly.

"If you ever were to, you should dig yourself a tunnel to mine! We can be apocapals!" He grinned, I just arched my brow and sipped my soda.

"I'll keep that in mind Jovihooves." I nodded. "Now if you don't mind, I've got a dinner with my family to get to."

"Oh don't let little ol' me hold you back! Smells mighty scrump-diddly-umptious!" He chuckled. "See y'around neighboreeno!"

"Don't remind me." I muttered. I strolled over to the picnic table and grumbled under my breath as I sat down to eat.

"I don't get why you don't like him." Pinkie said.

"Uncle Quibble said it's mustache envy." Sugar Plum stated.

"It is not mustache envy." I said flatly.

"It's okay, I like you better without the lip-tickler anyway." Pinkie giggled.

"Thank Celestia." I chuckled a little. As we ate, we all were mostly quiet, but that's not really a bad thing, that just meant we were all hungry. I decided to break the silence. "So, you'll never guess the crazy thing that happened today."

"What happened?" Pinkie asked.

"Well, Sugar Plum and I were just walking down the street, when she realized she left Mr. Stuffly in the bar. Right? So she goes in to get it, and guess what she sees." I begin.

"What did you see, sweetheart?" Pinkie asked her.

"I... I saw that one of the pictures in dad's office was slanted." Sugar Plum said. I arched my brow and looked at her quizzically.

"Oh... kinda anticlimactic." Pinkie remarked.

"Sugar Plum, you wanna..." I then purposefully nudged her soda bottle, spilling it over. "Oh clumsy me! Sorry sweetheart, here, let's go get a new one." I led her over to the cooler.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Auntie Ivory and Uncle Cheese aren't ready yet, we shouldn't start telling ponies." Sugar Plum said.

"Yeah but, you didn't have to lie." I said.

"I didn't lie, go check tomorrow, it's the one of you when you were dressed as the business man with the mustache." She said.

"That's Gomez Addams." I told her. "But... you do kind of have a point." I sighed. "Fine."

"Besides, it is kind of fun to have a secret, right? A little father-daughter bond." Sugar Plum smiled.

"Okay, stop being the mature one, you're making me look bad." I said as I grabbed a new soda bottle and gave it to her.

"Now, how's about we just have dinner huh?" I said as we sat down again. Another week passed, Sugar Plum and I never told a soul. We did really good, of course I wasn't worried about her, I was worried I'd let it slip. Then, one day at the bar, the secret was revealed, but not by me, and not by Sugar Plum. It was just another day. I manned the bar, Ivory played piano, and Cheese was waiting today. Quibble, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and I talked as the hours passed.

"So, the Transformares reboot series isn't really as bad as they make it out to be, there are still some really good plot elements to it." Quibble ranted.

"Plot? What plot? It's just explosion, explosion, closeup on some mare's flank, borderlining racist quote, another explosion, there's hardly any Transformares in it!" Rainbow Dash scoffed.

"I've gotta side with Dashie here." I said. "The reboot's pretty bad."

"That's just because you like to live in the past." Quibble said.

"I'm younger than you." I remarked. "I just like... oh I don't know, good storytelling."

"Nerds!" Ivory hollered over at us, Cheese laughed as he stood by the piano.

"Good one hon." He smiled. Hearing what he said, Quibble, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie's eyes all widened in surprise.

"Well, it's five o' clock, I'm gonna head over to the cafe." Ivory said. "I'll see you there after your shift." She kissed Cheese on the cheek, I could almost hear little explosions in the minds of all three ponies at the bar.

"Wait a second!" Quibble hollered. "You two are..."

"You kissed him!?" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Hon!?" Rainbow Dash remarked.

"Oh, yeah," Cheese chuckled. "About that, Ivory and I have been going out for a little while now."

"And you all didn't even notice, way to take an interest in your friend's lives." Ivory smirked. "See you nerds, see you babe." After she left, Cheese just sighed happily. Pinkie, Quibble, and Rainbow all exchanged shocked expressions.

"What!?" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Since when!?" Rainbow asked.

"Chuck, aren't you surprised by this?" Quibble asked me.

"Nah, I saw it coming from a mile away." I smirked. Suddenly, the door burst open and Sugar Plum ran in excitedly.

"Daddy! I remember now! Cartman is your nickname for Uncle Quibble! That's the fourth boy!" She grinned widely.

"What's a Cartman?" Quibble asked me, a slight glare in his eyes.

"It's... a compliment, it's flattery." I shrugged with a slight chuckle.

"Really? Because you told me that-" I cut Sugar Plum off before she could continue.

"No minors allowed in the tavern during business hours." I said. "Pinkie, you mind walking her home?" I asked Pinkie.

"Only if you're home not long after." She giggled and kissed me on the cheek. "Oh! I've got an awesome idea! We should do a triple date!" She exclaimed. "I've gotta go tell Ivory my idea!" She exclaimed. Cheese and I exchanged looks and just laughed.