Chapter Forty-nine
"What the hell? Where did my Basilisks go?!? Get Eldrad on the line; he'll know where to find this 'Thorpe' ..." - Perturabo, upon receiving a copy of the new Codex: Chaos Space Marines
After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time! I'm quite sure something vitally important happened last chapter ... but I honestly can't remember. Have this charming image of a grot learning to walk again after a double-amputation:
A small grot painfully crawls across the floor towards a DELICIOUS CAKE.
Grot: "Almost there!"
Mad Dok: "OIZ YOU! GIT ERE!" Reached over and drags the screaming grot away from the DELICIOUS CAKE off the screen.
Horus: "And what the hell did that have to do with anything?"
Meh. Must everything I do have a reason?
Horus:
Returning to our story; Vect leads Horus, Lorgar, Cypher and the Lion onto the surface of the world Meredith IX in search of the Exodite village 'Hugsville' ... I feel dirty just typing it. What's this 'peace and loving' crap doing in my grim dark far future?
Horus: "I hear you buddy ... so where is shitesville?"
Vect: "Up ahead, next to the giant sunflower-shaped sign and all the helium-filled heart-shaped balloons ..."
They stare at the sign ... then stare at the village beyond. Laughing Eldar children dance around flower fields, while their parents sit on logs and play instruments singing songs of happiness, love and affection. A general air of peace permeates from the brightly-coloured houses.
Lorgar: "Oh ... my ... Gods ... let the pain end ..."
Lion: "When we're finished, we torch this village and set fire to its inhabitants"
Horus: "You know 'killing it with fire' is generally Ferrus' reply to everything"
Lion: "I now see the wisdom of such a demand. Truly the Emperor's cleansing flame is the only substance bitter and hate-filled enough to clean away such horrifyingly happy substances"
Cypher: "So ... where is this Oracle?"
Vect: "Probably not here. Remember we're looking for clues as to her current whereabouts"
Lorgar: "Roll those Gather Info checks, as Magnus would most likely say"
Vect: "Buy drinks, socialise, give sexual favours ... anything that floats your boat and gets us results"
Lorgar: "Good idea. You find a nice alleyway somewhere to lure people into with the promises of consensual fun"
Vect: "Please Lorgar, you make it sound like I'm not honest with my potential rape victims ..."
Lorgar: "You tell them up-front?"
Vect: "I like to hear them scream ..."
Lorgar: "You're a sick, sick puppy"
Before Vect can reply (probably for the best) our heroes (and filthy Dark Eldar) are greeted by a old-looking Eldar warrior with a Diresword covered in hearts and roses ... with a blade encased in foam rubber.
Eldar Elder (Now there's a typo waiting to happen): "Greetings! How may I help you fine dudes?"
Lion: "Did he just call us 'dudes'?"
Horus: "I thought that too ..."
Lion: "Fire, Horus ... fire"
Horus: "All in good time ... greetings elder-"
Eldar Elder: "That's what I am!"
Horus: "No ... I said elder ... elder! Not Eldar!"
Elder Eldar (Told you!): "I am old ... and an Eldar ... you are observant young man!"
Horus: "Young? I'm ten thousand years old!"
Eldar Elder: "And you look so mature for your age! How may an old dude like myself help such sprightly young fellows?"
Horus: "What?!? Lorgar!"
Lorgar: "We're here for the Oracle of Oblivion ... do you know where she may be found?"
Eldar Elder: "Why that little whore ... I told her to update her address but no! They still come here looking for her!"
Lorgar: "Er ... what?"
Eldar Elder: "She gets Godlike powers and thinks the universe revolves around her. Power corrupts ... the corrupt get revealing leather outfits and a sexy makeover ... and before you know it she's slept with all the men in the village and buggers off claiming they're all crap. Now we get people like you who are obviously infatuated with her trying to find her ... so naturally come here"
Lorgar: "Is anyone else getting all this?"
Vect: "Well I had heard a few things ... but honestly what is it with people thinking Evil equals The Sex?"
Lorgar: "Because it does? Good people have too many reservations ..."
Vect: "Amen to that ..."
Lion: "Are you two quite finished? Some of us still have our souls intact here ..."
Lorgar: "Now there's something that's overrated ..."
Vect: "And morality ..."
Lorgar: "Who decided that anyway? You keep breaking it, especially in war ... and when married ..."
Vect: "No idea ..."
Horus: "Guys? NPC's in front of us"
Eldar Elder: "That's all right ... I'm used to being ignored ..."
Horus: "So where's the Oracle now?"
Eldar Elder: "Up the mountains to the east. She has a penthouse with her own volcanic springs-powered swimming pool and hot tub ..."
Lion: "Vect ..."
Vect: Running off in an easterly direction. "Already running man!"
Lion: "I'll catch up with you in a moment. Old man ... you've been helpful"
Eldar Elder: "No worries dudes ..."
Lion: Holds up the Lion Sword. "Now there's a small thing I want to do before we leave ..."
The Primarchs hold up their own weaponry. The Eldar Elder's face falls.
Horus: "Consider this fluff cleansing ..."
Scenes of horrific and random violence ensue ... when they're finished the Primarchs catch up with Vect.
Lorgar: "I'm surprised you didn't join us"
Vect: "What do you mean?"
Lorgar: "Horrific violence? I thought you were into that sort of ... Vect ... what's in your backpack?"
Vect: "What backpack?"
Lorgar: "The thing on your ... oh sorry it's my mistake ... that's a child ... with another child packed inside ... sorry another child and a dog ... why a dog?"
Vect: "He's called Fluffy. I plan to kick him off a mountain ... while on fire ..."
Lorgar: "Why?"
Vect: "I'm Dark Eldar ... do I need a reason?"
Lorgar: "I'm now quite disturbed ... Lion you walk beside Vect"
Lion: "Not while he's got his kiddie-pack!"
Vect: "But I might get hungry on the way!"
Lorgar: "We've got summoned Daemons! Corn of Khorne to feast on!"
Horus: "Vect let the kids go"
Vect: "I think only one of them can walk ... the other one has the other as its internal organs"
Horus: "I don't know how that works and I don't care ... let them go so Lorgar and the Lion will both shut up"
Cypher: "Can I have the kid? Every anti-hero needs an annoying brat for a side-kick"
Vect: "Sure but I think she's slightly traumatised ... or catatonic ... whichever is the no moving, eating, sleeping or breathing part"
Lorgar: "I think that's death ..."
Vect: "Nope ... my mistake ... she's breathing ... slightly. Here you go Cypher" He hands the child to Cypher, and then starts shredding the remains of the ... less complete one.
Lorgar: "What are you doing now?"
Vect: "I'm cold in this leather spandex ... I need more layers ..."
Lorgar: "You're a disgrace to sentient beings ... hope you know that"
Horus: "Will you two quiet back there? Gods almighty ... this is going to be a long trip .."
Cypher: Talking to the girl. "That's Horus, Lorgar, and the Lion. They're Primarchs. They're supposed to be the pinnacle of Human evolution created by a genius mastermind"
Girl: "They're all f****** stupid ..."
Cypher:"Wow ... she's observant ..."
