A couple of weeks later, Lily approached Severus in the library again, near the Restricted section. She'd been continually bringing him her notes over her research, anything that might be of use to him. Lately, the library had been the last bastion of peace and quiet. Everywhere else was too abuzz with holiday excitement to allow for much concentration. Already, the castle had been transformed by Christmas decorations in preparation for the coming break.
"Hello Lily." He said as he closed the book he was reading with a snap. He'd made a huge breakthrough with the help of Lily's research. He was confident that what he wanted to do was possible, but as he'd predicted there was only a small chance it would succeed ... And he had no idea what it would do to him physically.
"Hi, Severus," Lily said, setting down her most recent notes on the table. "How are things going?" Conversation between them had still been a little awkward after everything that had happened, but they'd both been doing more reading than talking.
"I think I've figured it out. I'll have to do more searching into it but I have the basic idea down ... It's still a last resort though ..." He said pushing the book to the side for now.
Lily nodded. As far as she could gather from the letters she'd been receiving, things weren't that desperate yet… but it was possible that her parents weren't telling her everything. She'd have to see over Christmas break. "How would it work?"
"Basically I would have to link my chakra network with hers, and transfer my chakra into her, activating her network. But the link between us would be fragile, and if anything goes wrong it could end badly for both of us." He said quietly.
"That…" Lily's eyes were wide as she considered the possible implications. From what she'd read, she supposed it might be possible … but the sheer level of power and concentration that would require was difficult to even imagine. And there was no telling what could go wrong. "Would be beyond dangerous," she agreed. "Let's hope it doesn't actually come to that." She wasn't comfortable with the idea of that level of risk, either for her mother or for Severus.
"We'll have to prepare for the fact that it might ... And with how things went ... Last time," Snape said awkwardly. "... There's a large chance it might." He said sadly.
Lily's posture tensed, and she looked down at the table for a moment. "I know," she said quietly. It was why they were doing this, in case Muggle medicine couldn't save her. Lily had wanted so badly to help, to know that there was another way… but even that wasn't certain. No matter which way she turned, there were more worries. She sighed and looked up at him. "Thank you for… for doing all of this." She paused for a moment, then said: "You're spending Christmas with us this year, right? I know mum would like to see you."
Severus glanced up at her. "Are you inviting me?" He asked, wondering if she actually wanted him there or if this was just for her parents sake. He knew the Evans cared about him, it's why they invited him over for Christmas every year ... But if Lily didn't want him there then he didn't want to put a damper on the Christmas mood that always invaded the Evans home.
"Yes," she said simply, without hesitation. She still wasn't sure what to do about the rest of their relationship… but she had said they were still friends. And she wasn't going to shut out her oldest friend at Christmas… not in this timeline, anyway. The images from Severus's memories still continued to haunt her. "I … want you to be there."
"Okay." He said quietly. "Do you want to floo home? Or take the train? If you want the train I can meet you at the front entrance after breakfast. Which we should probably get to soon."
"Right," she agreed. "We'll meet out front, then." The train was comfortingly familiar, and might be a good chance to talk through some of the issues that had come up between them before getting to her parents' house.
Severus put one of the library books into his bag to take to Lily's over the break. "I'll see you then." He said walking out of the library towards the great hall for breakfast.
Later, on the train, Lily sat across from Severus, looking out the window as the countryside flew by. "So, that's half the school year down," she said, by way of making conversation.
Severus looked up at her from the book he was reading. After an hour of uncomfortable silence he'd finally pulled the medical text out.
"Yeah ..." Severus agreed.
"How's the whole apprenticeship thing going?" she asked, hating how awkward and forced conversation seemed between them lately. It had been weeks since they'd talked about anything but their research toward helping her mother. She appreciated that, but … she'd said they would still be friends, and they were still a long way off from talking like friends again. She missed that … and even as uncertain of him as she was now, she was afraid they might never get that connection back if she didn't start trying again now. Severus's memories had shown her just how easily their entire friendship could fall apart.
Severus looked up at her. "My transfiguration may have been rusty before, but there's little I have to learn. I could easily take over the class at any time. It's not exactly high on my priority list, and McGonnigal isn't going anywhere any time soon."
Lily nodded. "How long is the apprenticeship even supposed to last, anyway?" she asked. "And what happens then? Is Dumbledore going to want to continue to keep you at the school to have you close at hand or… what? Or has anyone even discussed that?"
"For now the plan is to keep me at the school. The apprenticeship lasts two to three years depending on how fast I advance ... McGonnigal already agreed she'd extend it as long as she can without it looking suspicious. After that if I'm still required here I'll speak to Dumbledore about taking another apprenticeship. Perhaps Potions again ..." He said with a sneer. "I doubt the ministry would see anything odd about a change of mind in my career considering I made my choice for transfiguration so young. I'm hoping though, that I'm not required at the school that long. I'm only here now to train Potter and aid the resistance ... Once you all graduate - if I'm still required at the school it will most likely be a far more dangerous reason. Though I'm hoping it won't even get that far."
"Do you think… Dumbledore would try to pressure you into spying again?" It was a terrifying idea, given what she'd seen in Severus's memories… which, horrifying as some of it had been, she realized had to be only a fraction of what he'd endured.
"He will ..." He said putting his book off to the side. "I can guarantee you he will ... But I won't do it again. I don't care how much it would profit his cause, I can't do it again ..."
"You shouldn't have to," Lily agreed firmly. "No matter what happens, there has to be a better way this time."
Severus sighed. "There won't be if it comes down to it ... But even if he tries to push me in that direction I doubt they'd welcome me now ..."
"True," Lily said. "You're not exactly on good terms with most of Slytherin house right now." Even if the Death Eaters never found out about his involvement in the resistance, that was suspicious to say the least. "So … that leaves the question of how do we keep it from coming to that? How do we bring Voldemort down sooner? And … what did that business with Slughorn have to do with it?" That had been a frustrating failure, to say the least. She wished she at least knew what she'd been looking for.
"We're figuring that out. I have information that may be able to bring him down even if I don't know what that information is. Dumbledore has an idea ... I think he's confirmed it." He said. He didn't want to tell Lily he knew about the horcruxes. It would just bring more unnecessary stress into her life. It was better for this to wait until they had concrete answer. For all he knew Voldemort could have made a penny a horcrux and threw it into the middle of the ocean ...
"Need-to-know basis, I take it?" Lily guessed. She didn't like being on the sidelines, without the knowledge or ability to help… but after everything Severus had already shown her, she had to give Sev the benefit of the doubt, that there was a valid reason he wasn't telling her. From the sound of it, Severus and Dumbledore weren't completely certain about the matter themselves.
"Not really a need to know basis when there isn't much to know." Severus said with a shrug.
"Makes sense," Lily said. She was quiet for a moment, before she asked: "It must be frustrating… having so many pieces of the puzzle of what's going to happen, but not enough to just completely fix everything."
"You have no idea ..." He said quietly sliding down in his seat slightly to make himself more comfortable.
"No," she said quietly. "I guess I don't. What you showed me … That was only a fraction of everything that happened, wasn't it." It pained her to think about it. But she couldn't get it out of her head.
"I showed you more than I showed anyone else ... But no ... That wasn't the worst of it." He said staring down at the floor. Even though the events of his past hadn't happened yet, they had happened for him ... To him those events were real ... Very vividly real.
Lily was silent for a moment. There were too many things she wanted to say, but didn't know how to even begin voicing them. Finally, she asked: "And you have no idea, then, how you ended up back here? After you… after you died, I mean."
Severus was silent for a moment before he shook his head. "No." He said quietly. "I have no idea. For a moment after I woke up, I thought I survived, but ... That didn't make sense ... Dumbledore was dead. Then I thought I hadn't survived. And I was upset that McGonagall was there. Someone had to stay behind and protect the students if we lost." He said, his eyes unfocused as he stared at the floor.
In that moment she didn't see the teenager he'd reverted back to, or the Severus she'd used to know. She saw the soldier he'd become, saw in his eyes the hardened adult he'd grown into. His eyes looked dead. "But they were both still alive ... Everyone I thought was dead was still alive. Lupin, Black, Potter ... Children I watched suffer and die hadn't been born yet ... Nothing's happened yet ... And even though I've been here for almost a year it still doesn't seem real. I keep thinking this is a dream that ... I'm going to wake up and I'll be back in that hospital wing, a fully grown adult and Voldemort would have won." He said shaking his head.
Lily reached over and took Severus's hand in hers, holding onto it tightly. "That's not going to happen," she said firmly, frightened by the deadness in Severus's eyes. It was a look she didn't recognize. "Everything that happened to you still happened, I know you can't change what you've been through, but … This is real. Here and now, things are different."
"But they can still turn out the same. What if I can't change anything? What if everything I'm doing is for nothing? What if I ..." Severus paused realizing what he was about to say and looked away from her.
"What if you what?" Lily asked gently, her hand still not leaving his.
Severus was silent for a few moments, not daring to look at her. "What if I ..." Severus hesitated again. "What if I lose you again?"
Lily was speechless for a moment. What could she say to that? She still wasn't sure where they stood now, or how to respond to everything they'd seen. And she couldn't guarantee her own safety anymore than she could guarantee anyone else's. "I … don't exactly plan on letting that happen," she said quietly, though she didn't know how comforting that could really be. As far as she could tell, she hadn't really planned on dying the first time around.
"None do." Severus said with a sigh. "I don't know, it's still just really hard to wrap my head around. Keeping things straight, trying to remember what I told to who. Keeping plans on time. The group I'm helping Potter run ... There's a lot to do and as much as we'd like to think we have a lot of time we don't ... The time will creep up on us. We have to be prepared but ... I don't think we ever will be. I'm still sorry I didn't tell you before but ... I'm glad I at least have someone I can talk to now. I'm so tired of keeping secrets, it seems my entire life is built on them."
"I don't know how you went for so long keeping so many secrets," she said, thinking of all she'd seen in the Pensieve. "That's… a lot to handle alone."
Severus didn't say anything to that as they sat in silence in the train car. A few more hours and they'd be home. Severus glanced out the window, watching the snow fall. "Do you think it'll ever be normal?" Severus asked. "Our lives I mean ..." He asked. "I keep trying to picture what it would be like to have a regular life ... But ..."
"I don't know," Lily admitted, watching the snowfall with Severus. "But I… I still think it's possible. You've managed to change some things already… so why not that? After everything you've been through … a normal life shouldn't be too much to ask." She sounded more hopeful than she really felt. But she had to believe that there was an outcome where Voldemort was defeated, and everyone got to put their lives back together and move on. She had to believe that the future Sev had shown her could be changed.
"To be honest I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself. My life has always been dictated to me either through misfortune or through my own mistakes ... Given the opportunity to do whatever I wanted with it I'm not sure I'd know what to do." He said glancing over at her. "I suppose if I live through this I'd have to consider what I'd want to do as a career ... It was never something I really considered before ..."
"Well," Lily said, thinking the idea over as she looked back at him. She'd missed this, just talking with him. "I don't think teaching is right for you long-term… You seem to get far too infuriated with it. Any idea what your ideal workplace would be like?"
"Alone would be preferable." He said. "Perhaps since I'm not paying for anything right now, and I am being paid, I'll put all the money I earn into Gringotts ... Maybe open my own business."
"What kind of business?" Lily asked, thinking through Sev's abilities. But with more than one area of aptitude, it could be any number of things. "A nice quiet apothecary, maybe? Or have you had quite enough of Potions-related careers for one lifetime?"
"I think I'd rather just stick to brewing my own stock. Perhaps a book store? I don't know ... It seems pretty silly talking about this now with everything that's going on." He said turning towards the window. "Maybe I'll write a book." Though he sounded like he said it to himself more than to her.
"I don't think it's silly," Lily said. Why shouldn't he have something to hope for? Even if he wasn't in the habit of thinking that way. "And I could definitely see you running a bookstore… or writing a book, perhaps. What would it be about?"
"I don't know. Maybe ... Well I've always come up with weird plot ideas in my head before, things I thought would make good creepy books but ... I don't know, they're kind of stupid ideas." He said with a shrug.
"I highly doubt they're stupid, Sev… You're a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them. Why have you never told me you had story ideas? Have you ever written any of them down?"
"No. Never had the inclination to as a teen, and as an adult never had the time."
"I guess that makes sense…" Lily said. It also explained why he'd never mentioned it to her. She supposed that might have been after her time… which was a strange way to think about it. "And it's not like you have a surplus of time at the moment either… If you could find some time for it, though, it might be helpful as stress-relief. Maybe get your mind off of things every now and then?"
"Maybe I'll try to take a few minutes before bed ... Write down some ideas." Severus said with a nonchalant shrug.
"It couldn't hurt," Lily said. "Who knows? Maybe someday, when there's a chance for normality, you'll have a career in it."
"It's hard to get published, and even harder to make a career out of it. Perhaps as a hobby. I'll have to get a job I can find time to write though. So perhaps the bookstore idea wasn't a bad idea after all." He said. Perhaps if that happened he'd employ Lupin to assist in the book shop. He was never a fan of his as a teenager ... And he down right hated him when he'd taught his favourite subject. But he was tolerable when they were in the Order together ... And the man did need a steady job. Even if it was just organizing book shelves and keeping inventory. Something Snape honestly didn't want to do himself.
"Bookstore it is, then," said Lily decisively. "Though that still leaves the really hard question: Wizarding bookstore or Muggle?"
"Wiz-" Snape paused. "Hmm … That's a good question actually." Severus said. "Maybe I'll open a store in the wizarding world that sells both muggle and magical books?" Though really this was all hypothetical. It cost money to open a store, and money was not something he currently had. Even with the money he made teaching, it would be years before he had enough to make that risk. After all, starting a business was in fact a risk. If he did, and it failed, or he didn't profit, then he would lose money all together.
"Well," said Lily matter-of-factly, "It's a good thing you have plenty of time to figure that out." At least, she hoped so. It was disconcerting to realize that, even though Sev's consciousness had somehow inexplicably traveled back in time, they still couldn't know what the future might bring.
