Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own FormerPriestward and JezeBella.

All plotlines, characterizations, and details in Bring On The Wonder belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization.

©2012 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide

This story is rated M for a reason. Violence, swearing, religion being made fun of and criticized. And lemons at the right time.

This story leans heavily on my friend (and BETA) Parama. She doesn't just make sure the grammar is bearable, she also helps me put my thoughts into order, has great suggestions and is always supportive even when giving constructive criticism.


CHAPTER 48: CONFRONTATIONAL


"Night."

"Good night. Sweet dreams, Edward."

I enunciated every word with fucking precision to emphasize the difference in the way we each delivered them. But it didn't make a difference because Edward had already turned around, without offering me more than a muttered good night wish.

Something was definitely wrong with him and I had no idea what it was.

It had started the moment he'd arrived at the community center earlier, when he'd brought over the boxes that Esme had forgotten at the Cullen home. At first I'd thought Edward was angry for having to drive back and forth to play delivery boy but he'd sounded fine on the phone before, assuring me he didn't mind bringing the boxes over, so that couldn't be it. He'd even said he'd missed me and that bringing the boxes over would give him a good excuse to see me.

But that wasn't what had been reflected in his expression when he'd arrived. Edward looked bothered by something.

In fact, he'd looked pissed off.

He had given me a tight smile without a proper greeting before he'd handed the boxes over to his mother and helped out for a while. Mostly he'd been quiet and had barely interacted with anyone. I knew his mom had noticed his strange behavior too because she'd given me a look that had screamed "what's up with him".

But I had no idea. I mean, anyone could be in a foul mood, I fucking sure was sometimes, but Edward was generally a good natured person. Being in a bad mood was definitely a rarity for him.

The rest of the night had been too hectic to put too much focus on Edward's behavior, what with all these people digging through boxes of clothing, enjoying some free coffee and cookies or signing up for one of the sponsored programs of the community center.

That had been Alice's goal; to make more people in the neighborhood – both those who needed charity and those who could afford being charitable - aware of the community center's activities.

Alice herself had been unusually quiet throughout the evening and Angela had told me Alice and Jasper were having some issues because he'd just signed a deal with some rich businessman to expand his restaurant business in Seattle as well as to other places. I supposed that put a damper on Alice's baby making plans.

The night had ended pretty late but we'd all agreed that it was a success. After helping Alice and Esme clean up, Edward and I had dropped Angela off at her and Ben's place before heading home ourselves.

I'd hoped Edward's mood would have improved by the time we'd arrived there but once we had, Edward had continued to act distant and odd in general.

I had tried to loosen him up a little, hoping it would make him want to talk about whatever had him acting this way, but to no avail.

Edward had rejected any form of affection on my part and went to take a shower before he announced he was going to sleep.

And now, he lay facing away from me, something he hardly ever did because we basically always slept entangled and usually had a more prolonged night time ritual that entailed kissing and talking – sometimes a little groping - until we both fell asleep.

This was new and frustrating.

"Edward." I huffed, knowing damn well he wasn't asleep. "I don't know what the he...ck is bothering you but it's pissing me the fuck off, so you better spill it."

A deep sigh resounded from beside me and I felt Edward shift in the dark, the bed squeaking under his weight. I was almost relieved when I felt him turn around; at least he wasn't ignoring me.

"It's just… my father."

Of course, I should have fucking known Doctor Deacon would have something to do with this.

"What did he do now?" I muttered, not sure if I wanted to know the answer, having no doubt that whatever it was would piss me off.

"He angered me earlier tonight and for some reason I haven't been able to shake off all the emotions since then."

"What kind of emotions?" I wondered, thinking the only emotion Doctor Deacon could evoke was anger and perhaps loads of annoyance. Maybe bitterness too.

"I was angry at him at first but now I am also disappointed and sad that things have to be this way."

I realized Edward's emotions were different from mine. My feelings were superficial. His were personal. This was his dad acting like a jerk. Someone he at one point must have admired and looked up to.

"I'm sorry," I told him as I stroked his cheek gently. "I wish he would lighten up."

"That's not going to happen," Edward said, as he leaned into my touch.

"Did you talk to him about leaving St. Joseph?" I wondered.

Another sigh. "Amongst other things. I mostly tried to get him to open up about those secret meetings, which of course was pointless. Then, I just got so frustrated with his demeanor because he was acting all distracted, obviously trying to get rid of me as fast as he could. So, then I told him about St. Joseph."

"And he got pissed," I guessed.

"At first he reacted quite reserved, almost accepting. But then he started going on about how my decision to leave St. Joseph was your fault and that was just too much. He even had the audacity to make the entire mystery with his secret meetings about you."

I frowned, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion. I was puzzled as to why Doctor Deacon would associate his late night possible indiscretions with me. I hadn't talked to the guy in ages and all of our conversations had been uneventful except for the general disapproval he'd always displayed.

"Me? Why me?" I wondered. "What would I have to do with your father's meetings?"

The idea that Doctor Deacon tried to blame me for things I had nothing to do with, just so he could try and cause issues between us, sparked fresh irritation in me.

"I don't know. He tried to tell me and seemed really desperate to get some sort of point across, but I refused to listen. I was not in the mood after he started his usual lecturing and blame game where everything is your fault. Something just snapped and all of a sudden all civility for the sake of being related by blood, 'honor thy father' and all that went out the window."

Edward snaked his arms around my waist, pressing his lips into my hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to take this out on you by ignoring you. I just needed time to process."

"That's okay," I said. "But I wish you would have told me right away instead of shutting me out."

"I know. I should have told you right away. But I was really angry and sad at the same time. I know he's done some terrible things in the past but I feel like he's gone completely overboard now. He's the one in secret meetings, daring to blame you. It's absurd."

Doctor Deacon was without any doubt a huge asshole. And I seriously didn't understand what his problem was with me. I mean, my former life style would never win me brownie points or approval and I accepted that. But I'd like to think that all the changes I had made warranted some kind of acceptance. After all, Edward's immediate family; his mother and brother had given me the benefit of the doubt and grown to like me, so why couldn't Doctor Deacon do the same? Or at the very least, respect me for being important to Edward.

You'd think that given his religious background, Doctor Deacon would be more forgiving and welcoming, but no. For some reason it probably actually made him dislike me more.

"He really hates me, huh?" I muttered.

"I'm sorry," Edward muttered again, an apology I dismissed. This wasn't his fault. His father was a douche. At least it wasn't genetic.

"I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore," Edward said wistfully. "I'm just so done with him and his attitude."

He sounded tired and not just from what his father had done. He was thoroughly fed up with it all. Edward, for the longest time, had literally demonstrated the patience of a saint with his father. To hear him declare he was done was a pretty big thing for him.

But I also knew that there was more to it, and that his declaration held heavy emotional consequences. This was his dad. And it affected the rest of his family as well.

"I wish he would stop making things so difficult for you," I told him softly.
"And for your family."

"Me too." He nodded.

While I hated Doctor Deacon's general attitude and all the drama he had caused, I was curious about what he'd been so keen on telling Edward, had he stuck around long enough to listen. What was it that Edward's father knew about me that he had wanted to share so desperately with his son?

I had to wonder if Doctor Deacon was messed up enough to hire a private eye to dig up dirt - made up or factually true - on me, so he could use it to set Edward up against me.

"Edward," I tried softly, "I don't want to make this about me but aren't you curious or worried about what your dad knows about me. I mean maybe he's just making stuff up but if he's not, it would make me feel uncomfortable to know that he knows things about me that he shouldn't.

Basically, it would creep me the fuck out but I didn't want to be so crude with Edward.

And to his credit, he did consider my words and nodded, accepting them.

"I suppose there is a chance he does know something and maybe I should've given him a chance to explain but, Bella, I simply didn't want to give him the satisfaction of trying to cause trouble between us."

"I know that and it's not that I don't understand why you chose not to hear him out but I can't help but wonder if maybe he hired someone to dig up information about me. The idea alone makes me feel very uncomfortable," I admitted. "And that's an understatement."

"I understand that," Edward said. "But to ease your mind a bit, I don't think he knows anything really. I think he was just trying to cause trouble."

Edward stifled a yawn and I felt my own eyelids starting to get a bit heavy as well.

"We better get some sleep," Edward suggested and I showed my agreement by snuggling into his side, sighing contentedly as I breathed in his musky scent.

"I'm sorry again," he murmured. "I didn't mean to shut you out or make you feel bad."

"It's okay. Just know you can always talk to me."

"I do know. I love you my Bella."

I pressed my lips over the spot where his heart was beating. "I love you too."


In the next few days, I didn't have much time to think about the mess with Doctor Deacon. Life went on and neither Edward nor I talked about it again. The only time his father was brought up, was when his mother came over for dinner Sunday night but that had been a casual name drop on why he hadn't joined her for dinner; he had to work late.

We'd all known that was probably a fucking excuse but Esme hadn't brought up her husband's behavior and neither had Edward. Maybe she hadn't wanted to bother me, or maybe there had been nothing to tell. Either way we spent the night talking about anything but Doctor Deacon.

Monday went by without any events. Edward went to school, I worked and we spent the evening making out on the sofa. Our sexual exploration sessions hadn't had much development since I'd given Edward his first actual blowjob. We still groped and touched; I had given Edward a few hand jobs while he had gotten me off twice. Sex was not the drive behind our relationship and not a hugely important element and we were both okay with that.

Anyway, today was Tuesday and I was sitting next to a blonde supermodel who didn't look fazed as she took in the dark, rather depressing room and five pairs of curious eyes that sized her up.

Rosalie was joining our first Redemption Program group therapy meeting.

Lisa looked impressed and George salivated a little as Doctor Eleazar introduced her.

"Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Bella's new buddy, Rosalie," he spoke before he briefly explained why Rosalie was replacing Edward.

Doctor Eleazar also gave me props for continuing the program, despite the fact that Edward had dropped out. I shrugged that off. I continued because I wanted to get better. My 'she doth protest too much' attitude was getting old and while these group sessions weren't my favorite thing and came off as fucking tedious and ineffective at times, I simply had to be part of them for the sake of misery loving company.

The other people in the Program in this room had seen and felt their fair share of sucktastic things. It had created a strange sort of kinship among us. Not enough to call us friends, but there were similarities that had created mutual respect and a form of comfort. Shared shit was less… shitty for some reason.

"Today I want to talk a little more about fear. At the end of our last session I recommended that you seek out something that you fear and do something to provoke the emotions it causes when you're faced with said fear to see if you can work to overcome it…

"I am aware this takes time and there is certainly no pressure there but it's good to focus on this nonetheless…"

I sighed. I didn't like it when Doctor Eleazar talked a lot before announcing an exercise. That never boded well.

"What I would like to do today is for George, Lisa and Bella to write down something they truly fear, something like a past event for instance, so we can discuss it to see if we can work through it or put it in perspective. Of course, it has to be related to why you're in the Redemption Program.

"Now Mary, Molly and Rosalie, as buddies, your sole purpose in this exercise we're about to do is to provide mental and emotional support if necessary."

I sighed again, listening to Doctor Eleazar's instructions, thinking I'd been right about how this wasn't going to be good. It were these types of exercises that I loathed. They were too confrontational and took their toll, draining my energy. It was a good thing I had the rest of the day off.

We were all given a piece of paper and pen and we were supposed to write down a word or sentence, an event or something that represented something we feared. The catch was of course that it had to be related to the reason we were in the program. Doctor Eleazar reminded us of the expectations we'd had when we had first started the therapy.

I stared at the white paper, the pen shaking because of my trembling fingers. I remembered how I had admitted I didn't want to end up as my mother. But that was no longer a legitimate fear. I knew that wasn't going to happen now that I had Edward. My life and personality was so different from hers, it was unlikely I'd become a bitter harpy who'd allow her child to be molested without any remorse.

The fear of being inside a church though, which wasn't solely about the actual walking in and sitting in a pew, but even more so about the emotional ramifications as I'd sit there was very legitimate though. And to write that, knowing it wasn't something I wanted to think about, let alone verbalize and lay out to analyze in front of others, that was something entirely different.

"You okay?" Rosalie whispered, clearly aware of my fresh anxiety.

"I am not sure," I admitted quietly.

"Just take a deep breath," she said softly. "It might help."

I nodded, taking her advice into account. This didn't have to be hard. I could even make something up and not mention the church thing at all, despite the fact that would be considered cheating. It would be much easier than to face the truth and actually writing it down, knowing that would make it real to the extent of actually having to work at fixing it.

"Bella?" I looked up at the sound of my name and found Doctor Eleazar looking at me intently.

"You're not writing anything down," he said, pointing out the extremely obvious.

I sighed and put the pen to paper, giving him a look which made him nod and move on. He knew better than to press me.

I took a deep breath and wrote down one word.

Church.

That should and would have to suffice.

After we had finished writing down what we feared the most, Doctor Eleazar collected the pieces of paper before he unfolded them and laid them out on his desk.

"Now, since none of you have written down your names, I could consider this anonymous."

For a moment I was hopeful. No audience participation, please. Let him analyze this without mentioning any of us by name.

"But that would defeat the entire purpose of this exercise."

Crap.

"Bella, let's start with you," he called me out. "What did you write down?"

I looked him over, taking in his tweed suit and brown loafers. His grey beard and the friendly smile he wore. I wanted to comment, snark and even act out but when I caught Rosalie looking at me expectantly and encouragingly, I knew I had to be fair.

"I wrote down the word 'Church'," I admitted quietly.

"You fear churches," Doctor Eleazar stated. "The institution of it or the actual building, exterior, interior, etcetera?"

"Both," I said. "I fear both."

"I see. Would you mind sharing with us why that is?"

Yes, I would very much mind, thank you very fucking much.

"I have had some bad experiences with both the institution and the actual building…."

Experiences I don't want to share with the class, I thought wryly.

"Can you elaborate on those experiences?"

Of course this fucker would continue to pry. And sure that was his job and the entire point of this exercise but having six pairs of eyes looking at me with curiosity, waiting for me to reveal some big bad thing that made me so fucked up made it hard to concentrate and form words I didn't really want to speak aloud.

"I'd rather not get into it too much. Someone from my past made going to church a bad experience."

"Now I recall that Edward mentioned last time you have issues with religion. I take it this fear of churches and the issues with religion are related?" Doctor Eleazar guessed.

I gave him a curt nod. He was such a fucking genius.

"I also remember Edward suggested you could join him at church, which, given your fear would be a difficult feat but a very good start to overcome it. Have you considered that?"

"Edward went to church a few weeks ago and I met up with him in front of the building. I didn't go inside though."

"That's an accomplishment. Small steps are still impressive leaps," Doctor Eleazar quoted some unknown source, or maybe it was his own brain musing. "I would like to suggest that you work up to moving closer to the entrance and try and desensitize yourself until you feel confident enough to go in."

Yeah, that was not likely to happen soon. But I nodded in acceptances, hoping it would get him off my back.

I breathed a sigh of relief when he did move on to George after that, almost happy he didn't push me any further.

I spent the rest of the session between paying a little attention to my fellow participants out of courtesy and trying to shake the feeling of anxiety after confronting my fears like that.


"That was more intense than I had expected," Rosalie admitted as she swirled the teaspoon through her glass mug, the sugar mixing with the teabag and the hot water.

"Welcome to looneyville." I chuckled wryly.

"No Bella, I didn't mean it like that. I am sure it's very helpful for you but it must take so much energy."

I nodded. It was draining, I couldn't deny that.

"It is. But I guess it's worth it if I feel better in the end."

"I know it must be strange for you to share these rather personal things with all these people that you hardly know."

It was hard. There was no doubt about that. Like being emotionally naked or something. Soul bearing. But we all did it and that made us equals in a way.

"So are you really afraid of churches?"

It must seem so silly to Rosalie, who'd grown up around the institution that was the Catholic Church. Who probably saw something beautiful and statuesque in the gothic architecture, where as I saw the shadow of the monster in every nook, arch and ornament.

And I couldn't tell her what it was like to have a cock in your mouth whilst staring up at the pretty colored widows with religious displays, hoping God would save you when he never did. How a choir singing hymns reminded you of how a large olive skinned hand would linger on your thighs and slowly creep up, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind. How he forced me into a different kind of confession every time we were in the confessional booth.

I couldn't tell Rosalie any of that. I couldn't even tell Edward that because it was too painful, too disgusting, too tainted and all together too horrific to be verbalized.

It was already fucking bad enough that I knew what that was like. That I knew very clearly why the sight of a church freaked me out, why I would never be able to sit in a pew again without being reminded of the vile despicable things Aro had done to me.

"It's complicated," I hedged.

"I don't want to push you Bella and surely I understand it must have something to do with your past and that that's why you can't talk about it, but could you try? Try to explain it to me. I really want to help you and I know Edward is privy to much more information than I am, which he should by the way, but I feel like I can't be the best buddy I should be and be the support you need if I don't have little more back information than the people in our therapy group."

Rosalie smiled and I knew she was being 100% sincere and I liked how she said "our group" instead of my group. For some reason it made me feel less like a freak. But her request was a dangerous one because for some crazy reason I wanted to open up to Rosalie. Despite her religious background, or maybe because of it, she was a genuinely good person. Not a bitch type harpy one with her stunning looks could easily afford herself to become but truly a kind and friendly soul. And strong too after all the crap she'd been through lately.

"I tell you what," Rosalie said before I could respond to her request. "Why don't I share something personal as well? I'll tell you something that is hard for me to put into words and tell another person and you tell me a little more about this fear of churches. And if it gets to be too much, we'll stop and talk about the latest silly thing Emmett or Edward has done." She chuckled. "Deal?"

I nodded because it sounded fair and again it was hard to repress the urge to just spill my ugly past to her and tell her everything and possibly divulge even more than I'd ever had to Edward.

"Okay, I'll start. I'm afraid that Emmett and I won't make good parents."

She blushed as she spoke the words and for a second I had to control the urge to laugh in her face because it sounded so fucking simplistic compared to my issues, but then, after a fleeting moment I realized that everybody had issues and that this was her issue and it was real and genuine and this was something she was truly afraid of.

"Wow."

"Let me rephrase; I think I am even more afraid Emmett won't be a good father. Now, does that not make me the most terrible person?" She shook her head sadly.

I tried to picture grinning and goofy Emmett as a dad and honestly couldn't imagine anyone more strong and caring. He was the opposite of his own father and probably didn't resemble Rosalie's dad either. He didn't have that rigid religious background where he lived by the rules of the Catholic Church alone and wanted his children to do the same.

I figured that his lack of abiding the laws of the Catholic Church was the exact reason Rosalie actually questioned his future parenting skills.

"I uh... no. No I don't think that makes you a terrible person."

"As you know, Emmett had never been, and I quote him on this, 'into the whole church thing' as much as me and while I always respected his stance I do worry what it'll do to our children. I don't want them stuck in a divide of faith or something."

"You want them to be raised Catholic," I deduced, to which Rosalie nodded.

"I don't think Emmett would want anything different, would he?"

"No, he wouldn't mind it but I worry that he won't be as actively involved in raising our children the Catholic way. Pff, this must be such a weird topic for you," she muttered.

I frowned. It wasn't all that weird. And I was somewhat aware of their issues because of what Edward had shared with me after he and Emmett had talked about them.

"Why would that make me feel weird?" I wondered. "I might not believe in the same way that you do but I can see your dilemma. You worry that Emmett, because he doesn't care as much about certain Catholic traditions as you do, won't be as strict in following them with your children. And you want the two of you to be on the same page when it comes to raising kids. That's not exactly a shocking concept to me, Rosalie." I smiled dryly. "I think most parents want that, regardless what faith they practice."

"I know. I just feel so silly. I love Emmett and he is a good man and when I allow my day dreams about houses with white picket fences to wander, I can see him being an amazing dad. But sometimes I feel - and it's so embarrassing to say this - that the reason we lost the baby was because we weren't meant to have one, because we'll never raise a child in the right way."

I shook my head, for Rosalie's thinking was so fucking absurd. I couldn't imagine some higher power, whatever the fuck that might be, not granting them a child or multiple children. Not that I truly believed in higher powers - if there was something out there, then he, she, or it sure handed me a shitty deal for most part - but I didn't for a second believe that Rosalie and Emmett had been punished with the miscarriage because they wouldn't make good parents.

Besides, it was all relative anyway. There wasn't one exact way to good parenting, if you asked me. People who believed there was, often fucked up.

"I don't think that's true at all. In my opinion you'll both make great parents. And uhm… I don't want to make you feel bad," I said softly, "but from what I understand about miscarriages, they sometimes happen when the fetus is already having problems. Your body basically expels anything bad..."

I noticed tears forming in Rosalie's eyes and instantly felt like a fucking idiot for explaining this to her in such a bad way.

"I just mean that it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. Truly, it isn't. You just have to have faith and give it time and then it'll happen and your baby will be perfect and you'll figure out all these parenting things as you go. You and Emmett, together," I said, as I reached out to put my hand on hers, an action that surprised me a little, given the fact I wasn't often very touchy feely with anyone but Edward.

But in this case I was actually feeling comfortable enough to do so, to touch someone other than Edward so freely and without hesitation, knowing it might possibly comfort them.

Rosalie sniffed and smiled through her tears. "I'm supposed to be supporting you and make you feel better, not the other way around," she murmured.

"I blame my therapists for making me think so much." I winked.

As Rosalie dried her tears and I ordered us another round of coffee and tea, I decided that it was only fair to share a little more about my church issues now that Rosalie had done the same with me by opening up.

"When I was thirteen, I was baptized," I started, my voice a little shaky. "There was a big party and I got a pony and all that."

Rosalie's big blue eyes went wide and I could tell she was surprised that I had just started talking and told her I was, in the eyes of... God, Catholic.

"You're Catholic?"

I grimaced. "Technically, yes, I suppose I am."

"Guess it's my turn to say 'wow' now. Bella, I had no idea. Does Edward know?"

I nodded. He did know the basics of this gruesome tale, though not the specifics. And I was about to give Rosalie some.

"He knows, though I don't think he truly considers me to be Catholic. I don't even think I do, to be honest."

Rosalie nodded and decided to change the subject. "So you got a pony? That's a pretty huge gift. When I did my First Holy Communion, I got a Barbie Dream House. I did already have a Barbie pony though." She chuckled. "My First Communion... I remember I was so nervous to spill something on my white dress and my mother warned me that I wouldn't represent purity anymore if I spilled and I wanted chocolate milk so bad and..." she trailed off.

I flashed her a sad smile. I wished I had ever been innocent enough to play with Barbie dolls and enjoy festivities the way a child should where worrying about losing my purity was actually related to the possibility of spilling a drink on my dress and not through a pervy jackass who was desperate to defile someone in the worst way.

"I'm sorry," Rosalie spoke suddenly. "I didn't mean to drift off. You were talking about your baptism. You were thirteen?"

"Yes. My mom... she moved in with this... guy who was Catholic and he wanted me to be as well."

"Your stepfather?"

I frowned, never considering Aro to be anything resembling a father of some kind. Maybe in the beginning when I had hoped he would be everything Charlie had never been. I had hoped he would make Renée happy and that maybe a little of her happiness would reflect back to me and that she would stop hating me so much.

But she had never been happy. And her hatred for me had only grown stronger over the years.

FLASHBACK

"That stupid little whore. You think I am blind, Aro? Do you?"

I could hear his faint chuckle, as I repositioned myself in the fair corner of the stairwell where no one could see me but I could hear every single word. My butt was already getting numb and I was tired and cold, but I listened in anyway.

"Let it go, Renée" he spoke in a lazy warning. I could hear the boredom in his voice and imagined how he was rolling his eyes at her. I knew Aro was getting tired of her tantrums. Everyone was, including me. She was worse than she'd ever been back in Forks. At least there she'd had her distractions - whatever they might have been, but here in Chicago, where she had to play trophy wife to Aro, she seemed more unhappy than I'd ever seen her.

The "stupid little whore" she was talking about was - how original- Aro's new secretary. A perky blonde who always smiled too widely.

I liked her. I liked her because she was Aro's new distraction. And a new distraction to him, meant he had less time to focus on me.

He still came to my room almost every night but he left me alone during the day, which was a relief. Sort of.

He was also less aggressive at night, which in an odd way was also a relief. He still wanted sex and I still hated every moment of it, but he was less demanding and rough. It was almost sweet.

Almost. Because it was still as repulsive and painful as ever to watch and hear him come while I pretended to enjoy the way he took my dignity over and over again.

Still, once a day wasn't as bad as multiple times. I would take any reprieve I could get and consider it a gift.

And it was all thanks to Ramona, the new perky blonde secretary my mother hated so much.

"You need to fire her, Aro. I will leave if you don't."

I snorted. Renée was more delusional than ever if she thought that spiel would work on Aro. Sometimes, I believed he even wanted her to make good on that threat and just go. He was growing tired of her whining and her demands. Of course, if she left, that could mean I'd have to leave too.

And if I had to leave, it would be a blessing. I would be free.

But I doubted Aro would ever let me go. Even if Renée did.

"Oh really, Renée, who will pay for your clothes, your hair, your make-up? Your desperate need to stay young. Who will tolerate you, knowing what you used to do before I saved your sorry ass from the dirty piss filled alley I found you? Who will take care of your daughter? I own you, Renée. And I own Isabella."

My ears perked up at hearing his mentioning of me. I gulped at his claim on me.

He owned me.

"Oh, don't even bring her into this," my mother said icily and I could hear the bitter disgust in her voice.

Her. That's what I was to my own mother. Not worthy to of being referred to by name. Just her. Little above an object, an old shoe she could get rid of if it had a smidge of dirt on it. Maybe I was less than that, maybe I was just the grime on the soles of her shoes. Something she couldn't wipe off, no matter how hard she tried.

"I know what you've been doing with her. She's just as much of a little whore as your secretary."

I bit back on my tongue and forced myself not to cry. My own mother calling me a whore. How lovely. I was used to her emotional cruelty but it continued to sting almost as much as what Aro did to me every day.

"Don't you dare, Renée!" I could hear Aro yell. "You know nothing about my relationship with Isabella! Nothing!"

I sniffed at hearing my name coming from his lips - in such a different way than he usually spoke of and to me. He was almost defending me now like a protective father would. Aro at least had the decency to call me by my name, instead of pretending I was a nobody.

I didn't listen any further and went back to my room.

Aro was very rough that night.

END FLASHBACK

"Bella," Rosalie called my name, pulling me back from the dark hole filled with painful memories. "Are you alright?"

"My dad died," I explained, trying to shake off the horrible memory and not alerting Rosalie to the fact that I was starting to fall apart on the inside. "And my mother was never really happy with him so I guess she was happy to leave everything behind and move on to better things."

I didn't tell Rosalie I'd grown up in Forks; the place where her parents lived now.

"A guy being able to afford a pony would be considered a better thing, I suppose. Financially, I mean," Rosalie mused.

I nodded. "He was rich. Gave me everything my heart desired," I spoke flatly.

He also trampled on my heart while he damaged my body and broke my spirit.

"But?" Rosalie wondered. "Something must have changed along the way. Given where you ended up."

But he wasn't the man I'd hoped he would be. He wasn't a father figure; he didn't protect me from big bad things, from monsters under the bed.

He was the monster under the bed.

I took a deep breath. "The night of my baptism, was the first night he came into my room."

Rosalie's eyes went wide in shock, as I waited for the words to click.

"Oh my God, Bella… he… he…"

She couldn't say the words. Nor should someone as good and kind, as innocent and pure – well compared to me anyway - have to say them.

And I didn't want the pity I read in her eyes.

So I spat it out before she could find her tongue and defile herself a little.

"He sexually molested me for four years."


"…and you can make little music notes out of fondant or marzipan…"

I sighed. Little fondant music notes. Who gave a freaking fuck?

The colorful display and the huge cake that had been shaped into a piano, while impressive, couldn't hold my attention and so I surfed on to the next channel where two dogs were getting it on.

I so wasn't watching that either.

I huffed, pissed at feeling so on edge and exhausted at the same time. I was happy to have opened up a little to Rosalie and that she had done the same in turn. It balanced us out in a way and it would create more understanding and give her insight into my butt-load of issues, but it left me with the bitter aftertaste of exhaustion, disgust and general depression at my fucked up childhood at the same time.

I missed Edward. Not just boyfriend Edward, who was on his way home, but especially Redemption Program-buddy Edward, whose innocence was more comforting than Rosalie's resolute 'what that man did to you was wrong, Bella' attitude. I didn't need her to state the obvious to me. I was well aware of it.

I knew what Aro had done to me was wrong but that hadn't stopped him and it sure as fuck didn't erase the memories.

I had already showered and changed into sweats as I'd gotten home but I still felt dirty. I shuddered and tried to repress a fresh trip down that fucked up memory lane.

I must have been staring at the ceiling for the longest time, because it felt like ages had passed when I heard a key being stuck into the lock and then a click before the door opened.

I almost wanted to cry in relief when I spotted the familiar bronze mop of hair and the sparkling jade eyes that instantly found mine.

I flew up from the sofa and didn't hesitate to close the distance between us to bury myself in the safety of Edward's arms.

"I'm so glad you're home." I sighed.

Edward didn't hesitate to hold me tight. Despite his rather foul mood earlier in the week he was back to his affectionate supportive self with me.

"What's wrong?" he asked me when he noticed I was not going to let him go.

"Can you just hold me for a while?" I asked, feeling small and vulnerable.

"Of course, just let me get rid of my bag and coat."

I let go of him momentarily, so he could put his stuff away. When he was done, he grabbed my hand and led me back to the sofa where he practically pulled me into his lap.

"So, what brought on this hugfest? Not that I mind," Edward said softly. "But you seem upset."

"It was just a very long day. I told Rosalie some stuff about my past and that really sucked the energy right out of me because it made me feel so anxious. I hate reliving these things."

Edward pulled me to him even closer. "That must have been hard. How do you feel now?"

I snuggled closer. "Better now that you're here."

He smiled a little as he held me tight, his lips pressed into my hair, knowing how much I needed that.

"How did Rosalie react?"

"She understood. Though I doubt she can truly comprehend it. I don't think anyone can. It's my crappy past and no one really knows what it feels like to think about some of the details and relive them."

"I know," Edward said soothingly. "I wish I could help you but I feel like anything I'd say would be pointless and diminish your feelings significantly."

I pulled myself up so that we were face to face. "I don't need you to understand, I just need you to be here, and you are," I said, smiling softly. "It's just tough to spend an entire day focused on this stuff. It leaves me so tired but of course sleeping is not an option because that will lead to nightmares. Especially if you're not there to hold me to keep the demons at bay."

"I will hold you all night if that's what you need," Edward declared before finding my lips and covering them with his own.

It was a sweet innocent kiss with the familiar electricity that always hummed between us. I reveled in it.

When I pulled away I smiled contently. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"Anyway, enough about me. How was your day? Did you learn anything fun at school," I teased, eager to talk about something other than my own drama.

Edward chuckled. "I actually had two unexpected free periods, which I used to work on my dissertation and spent contemplating on whether to call that Faith, Hope and Solace center or not."

"I see. And did you? Call them?"

Edward nodded. "I did actually, and they told me I could stop by whenever I felt like it."

"That sounds encouraging. Have you decided on when?" I wondered, watching as Edward's expression grew uncertain.

"Well, I am free tomorrow, except for two lectures which have voluntary attendance, so I thought about blowing them off and go and check out that church instead. I mean, the sooner, the better, right?"

"Edward Cullen, ditching? That's a shocker." I chuckled.

"I prefer calling it doing research." He winked. "But if I don't do it right away, I'll just postpone it and probably end up chickening out."

"So, you'll go first thing in the morning?" I asked.

Edward flashed me a sweet, insecure smile. "Well, I was hoping that maybe you would go with me…"

He left the suggestion hang in the air between us for a bit but just as I wanted to tell him that was probably not a good idea, Edward held up his hand to stop me.

"I know you feel uncomfortable and that this is really not your thing but because I feel insecure about all this and you have a better BS-meter, it would help a lot if you would join me."

"I see." I nodded to myself, mentally trying to weigh the consequences if I gave in to his request. I really had to think about what he was asking me, especially after what happened today. I wasn't sure if I could handle another "church angst" day so soon.

"You don't have to if you really don't want to but I would definitely appreciate it. I kind of need you," he said sheepishly. "And let me be clear, this isn't a poorly veiled attempt to get you to join church or something. I just want you with me. I need you with me."

I sighed. How could I resist his pleas? Edward needed me. For once I wasn't depending on him, but the other way around. And I really wanted to be strong for him.

But there was very strong and lingering doubts.

"I don't know, Edward," I answered truthfully. "It's not that I don't want to, because I really want to support you in this and I know how important it is to you, but I just don't know if I can without completely breaking down."

How embarrassing would it be if I was there with an already nervous Edward and have a complete meltdown. That would ruin a perfectly good chance for him to find new religious solace somewhere.

"I know, Bella, it's alright. You don't have to. I'll go by myself." Edward smiled.

But he sounded disappointed and I hated the idea of making him feel that way. I wanted to be there for him and make him feel better. To show he could lean on me as much as I did on him, as two people in a well balanced relationship would be able to.

And so I had to try.

"How about… I go with you, but if it scares me too much, I walk away and wait for you in the car?"

Edward's beaming smile was my reward. "That sounds like a plan."


It was hard to tell who was more nervous the next day; Edward or me. Maybe we were equally nervous, the silence between us certainly pointed at it.

We both had our own worries.

Edward had no idea what to expect and picking a new church was a hugely important decision for him. While he hadn't confirmed it in so many words, I knew he had doubts about this place. Just this morning at breakfast he had muttered something about the church, or center, being unconventional, admitting he wasn't sure if taking such a leap from the more traditional settings of the Catholic Church was the right thing to do. I hadn't really responded to that, except for advising Edward to take the 'wait and see' approach to which he'd reluctantly agreed.

As for me, I just tried to keep my cool and forced myself to see this as a harmless excursion instead of a possibly traumatic experience.

When we arrived at the center, which was somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle, we were equally taken aback by the exterior. On the outside, it didn't look like a church at all. There were no clock towers, no gothic shapes.

In fact it appeared to be rather plain and unimpressive.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" I asked Edward who seemed just as surprised as I was. For me, it was almost a pleasant surprise because this didn't unnerve me all that much, but I could see the anxiety and possible disappointment on his face.

Edward checked the directions he had printed and nodded. "Yes, this appears to be it."

"Well, it's definitely… different," I offered. "Not what you'd expect a church to look like."

"Yes," Edward echoed my sentiment wryly. "Different is a way to describe it."

We both remained silent for a few moments, while Edward parked the car. Once he did, he cut the engine and looked at me. "How do you feel about going in with me?"

"I'm okay. So let's do it," I said, unlocking my seatbelt and getting out of the car before Edward could say anything that might influence a change of heart with me.

Of course, given Edward's worrying nature, he did so anyway. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, unwilling to back out now.

"Yes. Let's go check it out."

Edward locked up the car and led me to the front entrance, which really didn't look anything like St. Joseph or any of the other churches we'd both seen before. The basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore looked like the Vatican compared to this. I shuddered at the memory but shook it off. Now was not the time to dwell on that. I was here for Edward.

Again we both seemed struck, for different reasons, by the way this church looked on the outside and the impression it left behind. I felt relief, but Edward was looking skeptical now. Kind of like the ugly brown stones and the flat roof confirmed the opinion he'd formed beforehand.

"It's very businesslike," he commented. "I expected for it to be more… churchlike," he added with a dry chuckle.

"Maybe they're really nice," I said, as we walked through the automatic doors. "As long as they provide you with proper information you can form a proper decision about this."

"You're right. I have to be open minded," Edward said resolutely.

The moment we were inside I expected something to hit me, a certain fear or déjà vu to make itself present, but things weren't that bad. I didn't feel additional stress other than curiosity and the usual apprehension I felt when being in the vicinity of religion. It was more based on annoyance because I expected a level of hypocrisy rather than gripping fear that would trigger unwanted memories.

We were welcomed by a woman sitting behind a counter in the reception area; she was talking on the phone and flashed us a welcoming smile as she finished up.

She was probably in her late thirties or early forties and had reddish blonde hair that was tied back in a pony tail. Her face was pale and covered in tiny freckles. She had warm amber eyes that shone brightly as she spoke.

Once she hung up, she rose, revealing modest clothing in the form of a long black skirt and a forest green jumper.

Her look was finished with low-heeled black boots.

"Hello, my name is Siobhan McLaren." She smiled. "Welcome to the Faith, Hope and Solace Center, or FHSC for short. How may I help you?"

"I'm Edward Cullen and this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan. I called you yesterday to gather some information about the center," Edward explained.

"Ah yes. I remember," the woman named Siobhan nodded."Well, once again, welcome. My husband Liam is currently absent but I'd love to give you some more information about the center, our activities and the way we celebrate faith."

She seemed nice and cheerful without being pushy. "Maybe we can step into one of our visiting rooms to have some coffee or tea while we go over some of the brochures and I can answer any questions you might have?"

Edward flashed me a look, trying to gauge if I was okay to go inside with him and listen to what this woman had to say.

I gave him a nod before we followed Siobhan who, as she led us to the room, chatted about the weather. A nice neutral topic.

"It's a good thing spring is around the corner. It helps with our outdoor activities and it makes everyone much happier to have a little more sunshine, don't you think?"

Edward returned her sentiment verbally, while I just nodded. I was definitely tired of melting snow which led to slippery mushy sidewalks and wouldn't mind a little more sun to brighten the city.

The room Siobhan brought us to was a lot lighter than the exterior of the building, with its bright yellow colored walls and large windows. The posters with religious images didn't escape me though and I grimaced at the sight.

Jesus will never leave you,one of them read. I wanted to snort but kept myself in check. This wasn't about me; this was about Edward's needs.

"Please sit down and make yourself comfortable while I'll get us something to drink. What would you like?"

We both chose coffee which she accepted with a smile before she left to get us some.

"She seems nice enough," I said. "Genuinely happy, I guess."

Edward was too busy looking around, his eyes taking in the interior of this room and probably the entire feel of the center.

"Oh, uh… yes. She does seem nice," he murmured in an afterthought.

"So, what do you think so far?" I asked.

"It's different from St. Joseph," Edward admitted. "I don't quite know how I feel about that yet. I mean, the entire point of this was to find something different but it's hard to fully embrace the changes, especially ones that seem so visual. This place looks nothing like your average church."

"Maybe things will be clearer for you once Siobhan has explained how the congregation works around here. Looks aren't everything."

"True. On a different note, how are you?" Edward wondered. "This is not too much for you, is it?"

I shook my head. "No, it's not that bad. Maybe it's the fact it doesn't look like a church that actually makes me feel less anxious than I thought I would. "

Edward was about to say something but then Siobhan came back, carrying a tray with steaming mugs of coffee and a plate of cookies.

"Alright, why don't I start by telling you a little about what we do around here and then you can ask questions," she suggested as she placed the mugs in front of us.

Edward gave a nod in agreement, I just smiled at her. This wasn't about me; he would have to take the lead.

"The Center of Faith, Hope and Solace was founded five years ago by my husband, Liam. He's a deacon and assists in leading mass with Father McGraw, the Center's priest. We have lots of extracurricular activities, missionary work abroad, a children's choir and an adult choir both active in various singing competitions, charity events, you name it."

Edward listened to her intently before he started asking questions.

"If you don't mind me asking, what's different about FHSC, if you would compare it to other Catholic churches? Apart from the uh... unconventional look of it." He smiled sheepishly, probably worried he'd offended Siobhan. "The online advertisement made it seem like you offered something different…"

Siobhan just gave him a warm smile instead. "That's an excellent question. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, there is no simple answer. At first glance, yes we look different because there are no arches, no clock tower, etcetera. But rest assured, our principles are no different from most Catholic churches.

"Now, if I had to tell you what we do differently compared to what you know and what you've seen and experienced before, I'd have to say it all depends on what you seek now. If you want something different, you have the freedom to find that here. I suppose that's the main difference. We offer the freedom to make choices and follow your own path and instincts when it comes to your faith with the support and understanding you might need on occasion but without any possible judgment from your congregation. We try to be as open minded as we can within the boundaries of the rules of the Catholic Church."

I was lost in her string of words while Edward nodded as if he understood every single word.

But apparently he too had a little trouble following her.

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"I'm sorry, I wish I could explain it properly but I'm afraid my husband is the more gifted speaker." Siobhan smiled. "He would be able to explain it much better."

"That's alright," Edward offered her in a friendly tone. "I just want to gather some information so I can make an informed decision."

"I understand that." The woman in front of us smiled warmly. "I think one of the essentials that we offer is respect. That's what it all boils down to. There's no 'good' or 'bad' way of worshipping. No right way to believe in God. But since we are Catholic, we do offer the appropriate activities and practices that follow and reflect the religion. It's easy to be rigid and conservative and for some that's an acceptable way of life. FHSC is not perfect. But you'll find we are a rather young and perhaps a bit more liberal community."

I remained quiet and observed Edward as he took in the information this woman offered him. I knew he wasn't convinced about joining this particular congregation. In fact, it was written all over his face. There were doubts that stemmed from his own insecurities and the rigorous decision to change congregations without knowing what he was looking for.

"I'd be happy to schedule a meeting with my husband, if you want a more personal conversation with him about your expectations and needs."

Edward seemed pensive as he considered this until he relented and nodded. "That might be a good idea. I left my old church because I no longer felt comfortable in that environment. But I admit that it's hard to put into words what I am looking for now."

We chatted about a few more casual topics until Siobhan told us she had to go back to managing the reception desk. Before we left, Siobhan shook our hands and gave Edward a reassuring nod. "I don't think you should wonder about what we can offer you but try to figure out what it is you're looking for. You must have chosen to leave your congregation for a reason. I do hope my husband can help you with some of those questions."

"I will think about it and then give your husband a call," Edward promised, clutching the card she'd given him.

We then said our goodbyes and left.

Outside, Edward took a deep breath before walking back to the car. He didn't say a word though. Nothing about his thoughts or feelings about this place, which was odd because I'd expected him to talk.

I tried to get him to open up but he remained lost in his own thoughts and I let him be, believing he would start talking when he was ready.

He did once we were back home.

"I know he doesn't deserve it, but I kind of miss my father right now, with this particular subject. Despite all his flaws, he'd always been the one I talked to about these things and although it's foolish to expect he'd react fairly in this matter, it's still hard to have to process this all by myself. How do I know if this is the right choice to make? That Siobhan seemed very nice but her explanation of what FHSC represents was… vague. I didn't know what to make of it."

I felt bad, knowing I couldn't help him with this because my opinion was biased.

"My father is a jerk but he would know how to help me gather my thoughts with this. It's just such a shame he is trying to tear the family apart with his actions."

That was the last thing Edward said about his dad and his desire to talk to the man who used to be there for him but in the next few days I still noticed how on edge he was, even though he tried to hide it from me.

I felt for Edward and despite the fact I believed Doctor Deacon was an asshole who deserved no compassion, Edward did deserve a father.

So after a few days in which Edward tried to hide his wallowing unsuccessfully, I decided to mend some fences. For Edward's benefit. It was a one time attempt though. If Doctor Deacon would act like his usual douche-y self and ignore his son's emotional needs because of his disdain for me, than he would be unworthy of the title 'father" and Edward would truly be better off without him.

Maybe luck - if that's what you could call it - was on my side because the opportunity to talk to Edward's dad presented itself when I arrived at the bakery on Monday and found Doctor Deacon standing there, chatting casually with Maggie.

Something about his relaxed demeanor bugged me though and almost killed my plan. There he stood, on my territory, smiling and looking carefree. Maybe it wasn't deliberate, but it sure felt that way and it angered me. What gave him the right? His arrogance was infuriating and it almost made me give up on trying to reason with him before I'd even started.

Still, I stepped in, a smile plastered on my face, refusing to let him see my fucking disgust and discomfort. I greeted them both pleasantly before going out back to put my stuff away and find my apron.

A part of me hoped he would be gone by the time I went back upfront but I wasn't that lucky. Although, maybe this was a good thing. Maybe if he saw me in this environment, where I was working hard like every other person, he'd see some kind of worth in me and that would make it easier to get him to listen to me. And although I sure as fucking hell didn't need his approval or respect, I knew Edward did. Edward, despite never admitting it, still wanted his father's acceptance. His guidance.

I took a deep breath before facing Doctor Deacon and Maggie again. The smile was still plastered on my face and I went about my way when Maggie suddenly excused herself to pick up the phone.

I hadn't even heard it ring.

I half expected Doctor Deacon to hightail out of there as soon as she was out of sight but he didn't. He just stood there and although I didn't look at him, I could feel his stare.

It was unnerving. I tried to find the right way to bring this up but the words got stuck in my throat.

"Can I help you with anything?" I eventually asked, my voice even, hoping to kill the awkward silence. It wasn't meant to be rude but I could see the slight narrowing of Doctor Deacon's eyes.

"No, Maggie took care of it. I was only picking up something Esme ordered."

I nodded and busied myself by restocking the shelves with fresh loafs of bread and the glass counter display with an assortment of cookies and cupcakes.

"How have you been, Bella?" Doctor Deacon suddenly asked me, forcing me to stop in my tracks and look at him.

"I'm doing fine," I murmured, not certain how to interpret his question. Was he serious or was there some sort of hidden meaning. Was he being nice?

He nodded and his body language clearly gave away how awkward he felt and how desperately he probably wanted to leave.

"I should probably go. Tell Maggie I said goodbye. Have a good day, Bella."

He was about to step out when I stopped him, thinking of Edward and how uncomfortable he was with the situation with his father. I had to try to get through to him.

"Wait!" I called out. "I have something I want to say and before you walk out or stop me I hope you will let me finish."

He didn't do so much as blink or give any incentive that I should proceed, so I just did.

"I know you hate me and I am okay with that even though I don't think I deserve it…"

"…I don't hate you..." Doctor Deacon interrupted.

"Please, let me finish. Edward chose to change congregations and I know you don't approve of that. I do wish you would see things from his point of view though. He deserves that much. And if you love him, and I'm sure you do, you should reach out and let him know you accept his choices, even if you don't understand them."

"Edward made it very clear he no longer wants anything to do with me."

"That's what he said, yes. But I know he's only trying to be tough. The truth of the matter is, he needs spiritual guidance and we both know I can't give it to him. He made this possibly rash decision to leave something behind that he's been a part of his whole life and now he doesn't have a clue about what to do next."

Doctor Deacon looked at me, frowning. "Well, I am sorry for his confusion but no one forced him to make this choice."

"Except for me, right," I muttered, sarcasm heavy in my words. "Only I could've forced him."

Edward's father shook his head. "I don't think you twisted his arm but his affection for you certainly made him do some… questionable things."

I snorted and couldn't suppress an eye roll. "Seriously? Have you forgotten your own history?" I pointed out. "You gave up things for love and I doubt you regret that. So why can't Edward do the same? Why are you so insistent that he follows the path you chose to abandon? Why put that burden on him?" I asked. "Can't he just be your son? Can't you just support him like a father would?"

Doctor Deacon continued to stare at me as I waited for him to speak. His eyes weren't harsh but the indefinable shine in them didn't exactly betray his true emotions either.

And when he finally did open his mouth the words that came out were unexpected, confusing and downright scary.

"You look so much like your father. The eyes, the attitude," Doctor Deacon murmured.

I stood there, mouth agape, trying to process his words.

My father? How would Doctor Deacon know about his eyes. More importantly, how would he know any personality traits. The man had been dead for years. Unless he meant...

Aro?

"Wha-what did you just say?"


I know, more cliffhangers. I'm evil. Trust me, shit is about the hit the fan. As for this chapter: Yes, Edward is very disappointed in Carlisle (and has been for a while) Don't expect (or worry about) him to crawl back to Daddy Deacon, he won't. But as a son, he does miss his dad and Bella recognizes this. That's why she tried to reason with Carlisle. Ball's in his corner now.

The Faith, Hope and Solace Center is fictional. It'll be more fleshed out in future chapters to get a better idea of what it's all about.

As always, thanks for all the support. It means the world to me. We're nowhere near the end and I am thankful for all your patience!

Happy week!