Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.
I'm on spring break right now. That's why you're getting another update so quickly. This probably won't happen again for quite a bit of time, but I'll do my best. Try to enjoy it while it lasts.
To everyone who continues to review despite my lack of updating lately: thank you!!! Y'all are keeping me going :)
To PaceyW'sgirl: I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the wedding just yet, but the sunset is a good idea. I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks!
To blueberies: Thanks for the idea of sending them to Massachusetts. I was thinking about that, too, and going over it and over it in my head and finally decided to just go ahead and do it :)
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Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Alex thought to herself as she walked into the doors of her new therapist's office. She nervously sat down on the couch and waited to be called into the room. Ten minutes passed, and she couldn't stop shaking. She kept moving her hand in her lap, clenching and unclenching them, and rubbing them together. Her nerves almost got the best of her and she was about to stand up and walk out of the office when the door opened.
"Alexandra?"
She looked up and smiled weakly at the middle-aged woman standing in the doorway. She had done a lot of research before picking this therapist, and had finally decided on her because of both her credentials and her gay-friendly attitude. She took a deep breath and stood slowly. "Yeah."
"Good. I'm Elizabeth," she said, extending hand and shaking Alex's. "Why don't we go have a seat in the room and see if we can't get to know each other a little better, huh? What do you say?"
Alex nodded and swallowed hard. "Sounds good."
Elizabeth led Alex into the room and softly closed the door. "Go ahead and sit on the couch. It's a lot more comfortable than this old wooden chair I've got," she smiled warmly as she sat down on the chair a few feet away from the couch.
Alex was relieved that Elizabeth was being warm and friendly with her. She'd been terrified that, despite Elizabeth's excellent reputation, the woman would be a cold-hearted psychiatrist who was only out to get her money. In fact, she seemed genuinely concerned about Alex's well-being and wanted to make sure she was comfortable before talking about anything heavy. Alex felt a little more at ease as she took a seat on the couch. She even managed a small smile as she looked up at Elizabeth. "I bet this couch is a lot more comfortable than that chair."
"Well, I like my guests to be comfortable," Elizabeth answered, smiling warmly. She wanted to see if Alex would start a conversation going. They definitely weren't going to get into anything heavy during their first few visits, unless Alex introduced something into the conversation. She knew a little about Alex's story, but only the very bare bones. It would be a while before Alex told her anything else.
"I'm comfortable," Alex said hesitantly. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to be doing right now. Aren't the therapists supposed to start asking questions and stuff right about now? She looked around the room, smiling a small rainbow flag sitting in a pencil holder on Elizabeth's desk.
Elizabeth followed Alex's gaze to the desk behind her and nodded. "My girlfriend and I have been together for twenty-six years," she said happily as she turned back around and smiled at Alex.
"Wow," Alex said in amazement. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," she said warmly. She waited several seconds for Alex to say something, but when it became obvious that the woman was waiting to be spoken to, she decided to start talking. "So, Alexandra, do you have any questions for me or anything?"
"What?" Alex asked, confused by how the conversation had started.
Elizabeth chuckled lightly. "Is there anything you'd like to know about me?" After a moment, she smiled and leaned forward so her elbows were resting on her knees. "It won't do much good for us to jump right into the heavy stuff right away, especially if you don't even know who I am. So," she said, smiling and leaning back in her chair. "What would you like to know?"
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"So you're up for being my maid of honor?" Olivia asked Casey during their lunch break. They were waiting to get a warrant signed, but the judge was going to be out of the office for the next few hours, so they decided to grab a bite to eat.
Casey smiled and dug into her spaghetti. "Are you kidding? Liv, I'd be honored." She laughed and shook her head. "The two of you…there are no words for it. You're perfect for each other. I would absolutely love to be a part of your wedding."
Olivia nodded hesitantly. "We're still on for May 27," she said quietly. She smiled mischievously and looked up at Casey. "Since New York sucks, we can't get married here, but we can get married in Massachusetts."
"I hate New York."
"No you don't," Olivia said firmly. "You love it here and you know it."
Casey sighed. "I do love it here," she admitted.
"Told ya," Olivia said, laughing lightly. "Anyway, I was thinking that maybe we could have the wedding in Massachusetts. New York recognizes domestic partnerships that are formalized in other jurisdictions, so…yeah. That's my plan."
Casey's eyes widened and her grin grew larger. "You never cease to amaze me, Olivia. Have you talked to Alex about it yet?"
"I'm planning on taking her out to dinner tonight and doing it then."
"Sounds like a plan."
Olivia blushed and grinned excitedly as she finished her salad. "I can't even describe how excited I am, Case. I just, she is so incredible. She…I wake up in the morning and she's lying there next to me and, I don't know…everything is just perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. To know everything she's been through and then see where she is today is beyond amazing. She does so much and she proves every single day how much she loves me. I want to do everything I can to prove to her how much I love her."
Casey smiled and laughed happily as Olivia tried to find the right words to describe her love for Alex. "I remember when I first met you, Liv, and when you first came out to me. I was so happy you felt comfortable coming to me and telling me, and I was ready to go out and find you the absolute perfect woman." She smiled as Olivia blushed and looked away. "Then I saw a picture of you and Alex on your desk." She held up her hands before Olivia could say anything. "I know that picture was taken long before Alex came out and you two tried dating, but I think that was when I realized that you two were going to end up together. You two just looked so perfectly happy in that picture."
Olivia raised her eyebrows in slight surprise. "I didn't think anybody knew Alex was going to come out later. I don't think I even knew it until we were driving home from her release from Witness Protection. We flirted a little, but it was still several months after that before we really started talking about the dating thing."
Casey shrugged and pulled out her wallet. "There was just a spark I saw in your eyes. I saw it every time someone mentioned her name. I saw it every time you spoke about her." She nodded and placed her money on the table. "You two were destined to spend forever together."
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She pulled into the parking lot and turned off her car, but she didn't immediately get out. Why do they always hold these stupid things in a church? She rolled her eyes and got out of her car. It's not like we're holding a Breast Cancer Survivors Support Group for Jesus Lovers or anything. She took a deep breath and tried to push away her nervousness. This was going to help her and she knew it. Taking another deep breath, she pushed aside her hesitation and walked in the front door.
A sign at the entrance told her that the meeting was down the hallway on the right, in the first room on her left. She looked down the hallway and saw the door was slightly ajar. "Okay," she whispered, wiping her hands on her pants as she took a step towards the room. "You can do this, Olivia. You can do this."
Very slowly, she made her way down the hall and stepped just into the room. She looked around and saw about a dozen women in the room, chatting with one another and seeming to know each other already. That was what she had been afraid of – that she was just going to walk into a group of women who had already formed connections; that she would be the odd one out. Some of them were obviously still going through chemo treatments, while others looked like they'd been finished for years. A few of them had either had a single or double mastectomy. Some still had their breasts – or they had gotten a reconstruction and it just wasn't obvious. She was about to turn and leave when she heard a woman behind her clear her throat softly.
"I'm Sarah," the woman said gently when Olivia hesitantly turned around. She smiled warmly as she met Olivia's eyes. "The first meeting's always the hardest, but I promise it gets easier. Stick around for at least a few of them, please?"
Olivia tried desperately to think of an excuse to bolt out of the room, but nothing came to mind; she was sinking fast. She was stuck and she knew it. There was no getting out of it now. "Yeah," she said, slowly letting out a defeated breath and following Sarah further into the room. "I'll stay."
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She had gone to the store to pick up another flash drive to save all of her work on, and when she came home, she found the twins asleep in their playpen in the living room. A strong smell of something burning was coming from the kitchen. She set her bags down and walked around the corner to find Allen sitting on the floor, his head resting on his knees and his shoulders shaking with his silent cries.
"I wanted to cook you a nice dinner," he said, trying to fight the tears as she sat down next to him. "I just wanted you to be able to come home and find the house clean and the twins taken care of and dinner cooked." He looked up and met her eyes, ignoring the tears falling from his own. "The house is pretty clean and the twins have been fed. I just…Christopher woke up and I had to feed him and I forgot about the casserole in the oven until I could smell that it was burnt." He looked down into his lap again and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Jess. I wanted you to come home –"
She placed her hand on his back and smiled warmly. "The house looks great," she said softly. In a way, it kind of made her feel better to see him this upset over a burnt dinner. It proved how hard he was trying to make her happy again. While it was slightly unnerving to know that she was getting pleasure from his suffering, when she thought about it, she could understand why she was feeling that way. "Why don't we just order out today?" she asked softly after a few minutes. "I was craving Chinese this evening anyway."
He looked up and nodded weakly, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "You're okay with Chinese?"
"Absolutely."
He nodded and stood up slowly, allowing her to help him to his feet. He smiled weakly as she handed him the phone. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm trying so hard to make it up to you and make things work and I'm failing miserably. Maybe I should just –"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Allen," she said, her teeth clenched together as she looked him in the eyes. "I know I haven't exactly been around much. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that you're back home. I don't want you to feel like you have to keep going way out of your way like this to make sure everything is perfect for me. I just…I want you, Allen. I want you the way you were before you flipped out in the hospital. I don't need this new, trying to do ten million things at once guy. I need my husband back."
He shook his head adamantly. "Jess, I have to make it up to you. There's no way I can live with myself if I don't do this kind of stuff. I have to prove to you how much I love you."
"And that's exactly what you're doing," she said, turning to the page in the phone book and pointing to the number. "You're still here. You're lying next to me every morning I wake up. You're home with me during the day. You're helping me take care of the twins. The fact that you're here crying because you burnt dinner only proves it more."
"I just don't want to lose you again."
She wiped away one of her own tears and smiled. "You won't. You're home now."
"And I'm not going anywhere."
"I know."
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"How was your day?" Olivia asked as Alex sat down next to her on the couch. She wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close. Alex was exhausted, and she could feel it just holding her. "Did therapy go okay?"
Alex nodded weakly. "Yeah," she said softly. "Her name's Elizabeth. She has a Master's degree from Harvard and a Sociology degree from Yale." She laughed lightly and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "That was pretty intimidating."
"You've got yourself a Masters in Law from NYU. That's pretty impressive, too."
Alex shrugged. "I got over the intimidation pretty quickly. She's actually really nice and surprisingly good at making me feel comfortable, which isn't something many people can do."
"Well I'm glad you felt comfortable there."
"She has a girlfriend, too."
"Really?"
"Yeah. They've been together for twenty-six years. She told me about her when I noticed the small rainbow flag she has sitting in her pencil holder on her desk." She sighed and began to relax even more against Olivia. "She said she never mentions the flag unless somebody asks about it. She doesn't ever lie, but she wants people to feel comfortable at the same time, so if they don't ask, she doesn't tell."
Olivia nodded understandingly. "That makes sense."
"I can't believe they've been together twenty-six years."
Olivia smiled and kissed the back of Alex's head. "I'm looking forward to spending twenty-six years with you."
"Only twenty-six?"
"A million twenty-sixes."
Alex laughed. "I like the sound of that."
"Yeah?"
"More than you know."
"Well I'm glad to hear it." She paused for a few minutes, allowing Alex to rest against her. "You think she's going to help? Going to see her once a week…do you think it'll help?"
Alex hesitated briefly before answering. "I hope so," she finally admitted. "I know it's what I need, and that she's very good at what she does. I think I'm just scared that I'm too…I don't know, too far gone for help."
"Don't say that," Olivia said softly. "Believe that this can help you, baby. Know that I'll be right here, by your side, always. You're not 'too far gone,' Alex. You're so strong, and so brave. You're going to make it, I know it."
"I'm just scared I'll disappoint you."
Olivia's eyes widened in horror. "What?"
Alex looked away, bowing her head in shame. "If it doesn't help…if I don't get better I mean. If I keep having nightmares every week, and panic attacks several times a month, and flashbacks about as often, and –"
"Stop," Olivia said, nearly begging. "Alex, I love you. You could never, ever disappoint me. You are perfect just the way you are and I will love you no matter how this therapy works out."
"I just…you keep telling me I'm strong and brave and everything. If I can't make this therapy work and I just keep going like I'm going, I'm only going to prove you wrong and I don't want to do that!"
"That's not true," Olivia said, her voice firm and loving. "You are strong and brave and everything I could ever wish for in a girlfriend, and you could never prove me wrong. Your panic attacks and flashbacks and nightmares don't make you weak, baby. They don't. You're human, Alex, and you've been through hell. The fact that you're still able to get out of bed and face the day is proof of your strength. I am so, so proud of you, and nothing is ever going to change that." She squeezed Alex's hands gently and kissed the top of her head.
Alex sighed and tilted her head up so she could look at Olivia. She was glad Olivia was so loving. "You always manage to make me feel better," she said, managing a small smile as she did so. She sniffled and met Olivia's eyes. "How did your group meeting go?"
"It was…" her voice trailed off as she stared off into the distance. She felt Alex squeeze her hands gently and smiled. "It was terrifying at first. I walked into the room and everybody seemed to know everybody already. I was about to leave when a woman cleared her throat behind me and convinced me to stay."
"Good for her," Alex said firmly, hoping to get it across to Olivia that this group was important for her.
Olivia nodded and managed a weak smile. "I'm glad I stayed. I didn't say anything – just listened to what everybody else had to say. A lot of them have been through so much. One of them lost her husband after she lost her breasts. Another one said her husband's going to leave as soon as they get the finances straight." She sighed and looked down at Alex. "It was hard hearing all of that. It was hard hearing that their husbands left them just because they lost their breasts."
Alex gently squeezed Olivia's hands again and sat up so she could look her in the eyes. "I bet that was hard," she said softly. "But you know that I'm not ever, ever leaving you, right?"
"I believe it a little more every time you say that."
"Then I'll say it a million times over. I love you, Olivia Benson. You are the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful woman in the world, and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you." She smiled and leaned her forehead against Olivia's. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Olivia smiled as she traced her finger along Alex's knuckles. Their relationship was growing stronger every single day. They were able to talk about more intimate things that even a few months ago they'd never even been able to mention. "So I was thinking maybe we should go out to dinner tonight," she said softly.
"Out to dinner, huh?"
"Yeah. I want to treat you to some fettuccini alfredo from the Olive Garden."
"You know that's my weakness."
"I know. That's why I want to take you there."
Alex smiled playfully as she pulled Olivia off the couch. "On one condition."
"What's that?"
"You let me take you out for Indian food next time we go out."
"Ah, my weakness."
"Exactly."
Olivia smiled. "Deal."
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"I'm thinking we should have a 'Welcome to Summer Barbeque,'" Jess said as she and Allen made their way downstairs to start cooking breakfast. She pulled the eggs out of the refrigerator and started cooking them. "It could be a celebration of sorts. Your coming home, Julia's moving in with Casey and Steve, and Olivia and Alex's getting married. What do you say?"
Allen smiled as he started grating the cheddar cheese. Jess really seemed eager to move on with their lives, and she was making sure she kept him included in everything. Maybe she really does want me around forever, he thought to himself. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."
"Yay!" she squealed excitedly. "I think we should have it this weekend. I know it's kind of short notice, but Alex and Liv are getting married in three weeks and I definitely want everybody to get together before then."
He swallowed and looked nervously over at her. "You think everyone'll want to see me this soon? I mean, if you think we should wait and at least tell everyone that I'm home first, I'd understand."
She shook her head adamantly. "Alex already knows," she said quickly. "I told her when we had lunch the other day. I don't think she's told Olivia but Allen, I promise our friends are going to be happy you're home. Will they have a few choice words for you? Probably."
"Gee, thanks."
"But they're still going to love you. Don't worry."
"I hope you're right."
"I am right," she said, grinning as she turned the oven off and dished out the scrambled eggs.
"And cocky, too."
"Blame Alex. I get it from her."
He smiled as he sat down with her at the table. They ate in silence for several minutes before he spoke. "Thank you," he whispered, too scared to look her directly in the eyes.
"For what?"
"Making me feel like I belong here again."
She smiled warmly and looked him in the eyes. "You've always belonged here, Allen. You just messed up big time and now it's going to take a little while before things can go back to the way they were. Our friends aren't going to just forget the guy they knew before this happened. Let's have that barbeque, huh?"
"Yeah," he said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Let's do it."
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Allen was busy flipping burgers when everyone began arriving. Casey, Steve, and Julia were the first to arrive. Jess very quickly ushered them into the backyard, which was decorated with streamers, tiki lights, and several piñatas. Casey put her plate of macaroni and cheese on the food table while Julia put a batch of cookies onto the desert table.
"You didn't tell me Allen was back," Casey said in a hushed whisper. Julia and Steve stood between Jess and Allen, not really knowing where to go. "When did he come home?"
"A little over a week ago," Jess admitted softly as Julia and Steve began walking closer to her. She smiled weakly as they all glared at her. She knew they weren't really angry; they were just surprised that she hadn't told them. "We've been spending a lot of time working things out. That plus I wasn't really sure how to tell you so I just figured I'd invite all of you over for a barbeque and let you find out for yourselves."
Casey shook her head and rolled her eyes as she gently hugged Jess. "Are you holding up okay?" she whispered.
"Yeah," Jess answered honestly. "It's been a little difficult, but I think we're going to be okay."
"Good."
Jess smiled warmly at them and cocked her head in Allen's direction. "You guys should go over there and place your orders. We've got regular burgers and hotdogs, and then the fat-free ones because Alex has decided for some bizarre reason that she needs to watch her weight."
They all looked at her hesitantly, but followed her orders and walked towards Allen when she fluttered her hands in his direction. "Go!" she yelled. "Or he's not going to know what to but on your burgers and dogs and you will not be allowed to come complain to me when he messes it up!"
Several minutes later, Alex and Olivia came wandering around the side of the house and into the backyard. They grinned eagerly and rushed over to hug Jess, who was busy trying to organize the food table.
"We weren't sure what to bring," Alex said excitedly. "So I made a huge salad and Olivia made some really good garlic breadsticks. We have strawberry cheesecake, too. Did you remember my fat-free hotdogs?"
Jess laughed and rolled her eyes as she placed the salad in the middle of the table. "Yes, we bought you your disgusting fat-free hotdogs. What on earth makes you think you need to lose weight? You're skinny as a rail!"
Alex shrugged and smiled. "I don't want to lose weight, but I don't want to gain any either."
"Whatever," Jess joked as she looked over in Allen's direction. She smiled as she saw him talking to Steve and Casey. He still looked pretty nervous, and they were definitely keeping their distance, but it looked like things were slowly getting back to the way they were. She turned her gaze back to Alex and Olivia and smiled. "You two should go place your orders while he's still cooking. I'm not taking the blame if he cooks the wrong stuff. And Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't need to lose weight, and if you gained a few pounds, you'd still be gorgeous. Enjoy yourself while you're here. Have a good time and eat as much as you want, okay?"
Alex nodded and smiled as she felt Olivia's arm lace with her own. "Okay."
Jess took a second to look at her friends interacting with her husband. Everyone seemed to be getting along nicely. Sure, it was a little awkward with Allen, but he was handling himself well. She was proud of him for it, too. It would have been really easy for him to just walk away from the barbeque and sit inside while she enjoyed this time with her friends. As everyone piled the food onto their plates and took a seat at the picnic table, she joined them, sitting next to Allen and smiling happily.
"Thank you," he whispered, squeezing her hand under the table.
She leaned over and nudged him gently. "I love you, Allen."
"I love you, too, Jess. I love you, too."
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"You really want to take me to Massachusetts, huh?" Alex asked as she climbed into bed with Olivia that night. She was exhausted from Jess' barbeque, but she was glad she went. It had been a lot of fun seeing all of her friends together like that. "You're serious about it, aren't you?"
"Absolutely," Olivia said happily, lacing her fingers in with Alex's. "We can get married there, and have our domestic partnership be recognized here. It's the best way of making us possible."
"I think it sounds like a wonderful idea."
Olivia pulled Alex closer and they wrapped their arms around each other. "You're my one and only," she whispered softly, gently pushing Alex's hair out of her face. "It was great to see you with everyone today, smiling and having a good time. I like it when you smile."
Alex laughed and traced her fingers along the small of Olivia's back. "You were smiling a lot yourself, Liv. You're beautiful when you smile, do you know that? You're absolutely beautiful."
"I think we're going to be smiling a lot more often now. Allen's home. Julia's adoption is nearly finalized. We're getting married." She grinned happily and rested her forehead against Alex's. "We're going to be smiling a lot more often now."
"Yeah we are," Alex said happily, slowly closing her eyes and relaxing in Olivia's arms. "We have a lot to be happy about now."
Olivia, too, began to relax and close her eyes, happy that Alex's arms were wrapped around her and holding her close. "I never thought happiness like this actually existed," she whispered softly. "You proved to me that it does exist. I love you so much."
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Okay, I'm thinking this story has gone just about as far as it can possibly go. I definitely want to put in a few more things, but I'm probably not going to make it more than maybe four or five more chapters. I just don't see it going much further than that.
I am, however, working on an idea for another story. I can't just quit writing. It's like my therapy :)
