A/N. The penultimate chapter, everyone! WARNING: Unashamed Cargan fluff in the beginning of the chapter. That is all. I don't own anything.
It had been a week since Logan's devastating diagnosis. The one comfort that existed was that the headaches came and went with eerie regularity. Twice a day, once at eleven in the morning, and then again at six in the evening. They lasted forty-five minutes each and left Logan exhausted, drained of whatever energy he had. The medications, he claimed, helped a great deal, which James found easiest to believe out of all of them because he had been the only one to witness the first attack. Logan always cried but he never again screamed and James found that to a huge relief.
That didn't make it a whole lot easier to deal with though. The look of dread on Logan's face that appeared a full ninety minutes before an attack. The way he stopped whatever he was doing sixty minutes before. And the way he stopped talking thirty minutes before. The way he started to cry quietly just before the pain actually began. They did everything they could, talked to him, held him, cried with him, stayed with him constantly. But it was never enough.
It was just after eight in the evening when Carlos found himself alone with Logan. If he didn't trust the headaches to stay away until the next morning, he would have been terrified. But he did trust the awful, horrible, headaches that rendered his friend incapable of anything except crying. He knew with absolute certainty that he and Logan would be fine by themselves for a little while which was why he was actually quite delighted to have Logan all to himself.
Even though he was sleeping. Carlos regarded the other boy solemnly. He looked just the same as he always did after suffering from one of the crippling attacks. Pale and worn out beyond belief. Tear stained face and red, swollen eyes even when they were closed. Carlos knew, that once he woke up, the right side of Logan's face would appear slightly disfigured. His eyelid would be drooping and even more swollen than the other. That side of his jaw was slightly swollen too. It was because that was where the pain came from. It did something. When he woke up, Logan might have to blow his nose because it tended to run as if he had a bad cold during and after the headaches.
Logan's eyes suddenly fluttered open, immediately finding Carlos. "Hi," he said, squinting in a somewhat lopsided manner at his best friend.
"Hey, Logan." Carlos replied with a small smile. He had to admit that it was getting easier to at least deal with the aftermath and move on. He used to cry every time Logan woke up because when he slept after a headache, he always looked inches from death. The relief when he woke up had always brought tears to Carlos' eyes. It was so good to see his eyes and hear his voice. His smile too. Carlos loved Logan's smile because it was real and it meant everything was okay. Carlos didn't cry anymore but that didn't mean his joy was lessened.
Logan returned his smile and started to sit up. "Thanks," he said gratefully when Carlos immediately slipped an arm around his waist and helped him, then sat beside him on the bed to give him a strong support to lean on. "What time is it?"
Before answering, Carlos reached over to where a bowl of warm water sat waiting on the nightstand. A washcloth laid draped over the edge and he soaked it before squeezing the excess water out and then held it gently to the right side of Logan's swollen face. "It's about 8:30," he said quietly. "Don't worry, I got it."
Logan's hand fell from where he had been trying to take the rag from Carlos so he could hold it himself. "Thanks," he said with a relieved sigh. With his good eye, he glanced around the quiet and otherwise empty room.
"Your mom and Katie went to the grocery store for some things and Kendall and James took Buddy for a walk," Carlos explained. "They didn't want to leave but he was starting to act up a little and they thought they both should go just in case. If you want, we can call them and-"
"Carlos!" Logan couldn't help but laugh and the sound made Carlos grin. "I'm fine, really. I have you and that's more than enough. Besides, everyone needs to get out a little more. Even me. Fresh air would probably feel really good right now."
Carlos thought carefully. The roof of the apartment complex was perfectly safe and made for enjoying a beautiful view. A glance outside the window showed a promising night for stars. He could text the others to let them know where they were and most importantly, he had a feeling that Logan would really enjoy it. "Wanna go out on the roof?" he asked casually.
Logan sat up a little, the cloth slipping away from his face so that both of his eyes were shinning in excitement. "Really? That's a great idea, Carlos!"
"Let me help you though," Carlos cautioned him. He stood up and grasping Logan firmly by both wrists since he was bound to be wobbly at first, pulled him to his feet. His motions were slow and easy and he pulled one of Logan's arm and put it over his own shoulders and then wrapped his own arm around Logan's waist. "Okay?" he asked.
"Fine," Logan nodded, looking a little pale and sounding a little breathless.
Once he was sure that Logan was fine, Carlos walked slowly out of the room, supporting his best friend the while time. He stopped by the closet to grab a couple of blankets and throw them over his shoulder.
"Carlos, I can help," Logan offered, looking at the other boy's added burdens.
"Nope," Carlos shook his head. "I'm good. Thanks though."
"Well then let me walk on my own," Logan gently slipped free of Carlos' firm grasp and walked a few paces ahead. "See? I'm fine."
"Okay, but take it easy," Carlos advised him. He knew it was right to let Logan go and that it was best for him. It just wasn't easy. He kept Logan just ahead of him so he would be sure to steady him if needed. They took the elevator because he insisted and Logan didn't protest.
The night air was worth the trip. Carlos breathed deeply as glanced over at Logan who looked perfectly relaxed and so peaceful that it was almost impossible to tell that he had been in agonizing pain only a few hours ago. "Here," Carlos said quickly, laying one of the blankets out. "Sit." When Logan obeyed, he wrapped the other blanket over his friend's shoulders and sat next to him, both of them leaning against the wall of the exit.
"This is great, Carlos." Logan breathed. "Just what I needed. Thanks."
"I'm glad," Carlos replied quietly.
"Are you cold?" Logan asked, looking at his friend. "This blanket is plenty big enough. I bet-"
"It would," Carlos said with a nod. "But I'm okay for now. Thanks though. I'll let you know."
Logan looked satisfied and turned back to look out over the city of LA at night. His thoughts seemed to be on the scenery around them but when he spoke, his words were about something else entirely different. "Carlos," he began hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
Logan turned from the scenery around them to look at Carlos, his eyes bright with tears. "I wanted to thank you," he said quietly. "For everything you've been for me even though I don't remember it all. You've been so. . . incredible, Carlos. I mean, when I woke up a few weeks ago and everyone was staring at me and telling me what had happened, I was so. . . so terrified. I felt so lost. But then you were there, And you made everything okay. You were just as scared and confused as everyone else was but you were there for me when I needed you the most. So thank you."
Slightly taken aback by Logan's complete honesty, Carlos looked down, his face bright red. "I think. . ." he began, slowly. "That I was in shock when you woke up like you did. Everyone was. But. . . then I saw how. . . scared you were. And for a second, I tried to imagine what it would be like if I was in your place. It was really scary, Logan. So then I thought about what I would want if I was you and. . . I would have wanted someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay."
"It really helped me, Carlos." Logan said seriously. "And I think it helped everyone else too. That's the kind of person you've been. You're so helpful to everyone. No matter what happened to us, you were the one to adjust and be whatever we needed. Like when I came home and I had to get used to everything. You helped me but you did it in a fun way so that it wasn't so scary. It made me realize something."
Curiousity got the better of Carlos and he looked up. "What's that?" he asked softly.
"That you're the strongest and bravest person I've ever known."
Carlos was shaking his head halfway through Logan's statement. "No, I'm not, Logie." he said, tears filling his eyes. "I was so scared the whole time. I'm still scared. Really scared. I'm scared that you getting better will be a dream. I'm scared you'll get hurt again. I'm really scared of your headaches. I'm not strong. Or brave."
Logan didn't argue right away. He was silent as Carlos went on and on, repeatedly stating how he wasn't brave and how James and Kendall were much stronger. When he had finished, Logan stayed silent, giving himself time to find the right words. "You're wrong," he said so gently that Carlos didn't look away a second time. "Carlos, Kendall and James are both really strong and really brave. But who was the one who made me feel safe and gave me his own helmet? Who was the only one who didn't fall apart when there was that whole mess with James. . . hurting himself? Who was the one who stepped out of his comfort zone and got Kendall and James back in line and working together again? Who was the first person to tell me that everything would be all right when I woke up normal or whatever you want to call it? Who, Carlos?"
"Me," Carlos whispered, one lone tear escaping his eyes to roll down his face. He reached up and brushed it hurriedly away, taking a deep, steadying breath. "I was still scared, Logan."
"Being brave doesn't mean that you're never scared," Logan said softly. "Being brave means doing the right thing no matter how scared you are. And that's what you were. That's what you are. You and Kendall didn't tell me everything, Carlos. A lot of what you told me involved James. But whatever involves James involves both of you. I can see how everything that affected James, affected you. I don't know what we would have done or where we'd be without you."
Carlos shrugged. "I think you guys would have been okay." he said quickly. "Kendall and James woul have come around."
"How?" Logan questioned. "Mom was too busy finding a permanent place for us to stay and getting a job so she could support us. Not to mention taking care of me. Katie is still too young to have to deal with what happened between them. So who would have made them see that they were both wrong?"
"I. . ."
A smile tugged at the corners of Logan's mouth and he nugged his best friend. "You're a hero, Carlos. The strongest and bravest person any of us will ever know. Accept it."
Finally, Carlos nodded, very slowly. He returned Logan's smile. "Thanks, Logie. But for the record? You're the strongest and bravest person I've ever met. I don't think I could handle everything you've had to. At least not as well as you have."
"But see, Carlos, you're still not giving yourself the credit that you deserve. I've had help getting through. . ." Logan waved his hands in the air, making Carlos laugh. "Whatever." He gave up trying to describe his situation in one word. "Anyway. I've had help. You didn't always have help. I bet there were other times when Kendall and James lost their tempers in a situation and you were the one who stayed calm, right?"
As soon as Logan had spoken, a memory came to Carlos. He clamped his jaw tightly shut as panic began to edge its way into his mind. What if Logan-
"Carlos, is something wrong?"
Crap. Carlos thought. Logan already knew. But then again, all he and Kendall had told Logan was horrible, awful stuff about what they had all had to go through. Why hadn't they told him any of the positive things? Okay, so maybe the memory wasn't very positive, but it had involved all of them workin together as a team. "Logie," he started to say, hoping that he wouldn't regret what he was about to tell Logan. "There was this one time. . . when James and Kendall both lost their tempers in a good way. But I'm not sure I can tell you."
"Well, you have to tell me know," Logan pointed out with a grin. The grin faded when he saw how upset Carlos was. "You really don't have to if you don't want to. You know that, right?"
"Right," Carlos agreed, taking a deep breath. "I do and I don't want to tell you. Does that make sense?" When Logan nodded, he relaxed a little bit and went on. "I want to tell you because Kendall and James were really incredible. But I don't want to tell you because it might hurt you."
Logan nodded, looking slightly confused. "Did. . . did someone say something about me?" he guessed. Immediately, he knew that he was on the right track because Carlos stiffened. "Was it a stranger or someone we knew?"
"A stranger," Carlos whispered. "We went to the mall just before Christmas. You. . . you wanted to see Santa and afterwards. . . some jerks were laughing at you and. . . and calling you names and saying awful things. So James and Kendall. . . fought them."
Logan's eyes flew open wide. "Fought them?" he repeated in disbelief. "In the middle of the mall?"
Carlos' frown deepened. "They deserved it."
In spite of his shock, Logan had to smile because Carlos looked almost mad enough to go find those guys again and beat them up himself. "I bet they did," he said softly, feeling hurt for something he didn't remember. "What happened?"
"Oh," Carlos had almost forgotten that part. "They got arrested." The expression on Logan's face was almost comical and he found himself fighting a smile.
"Arrested." Logan shook his head. "Wow."
"Don't worry," Carlos assured him. "They were just protecting you. As soon as they told their side of the story, the police let them go. Anyway, I was really proud of them then."
"I would have been proud too," Logan decided. "I am proud of them. Because like you said, they were working together for something that meant a lot to them."
"Someone that means the world to them," Carlos corrected, emphasizing words and making Logan turn red and rub the back of his neck.
Determined to switch the focus back on Carlos, Logan said hurriedly, "So then who stayed with me when James and Carlos got taken to the police station?"
"Me," Carlos couldn't help but laugh. "That was when we found Buddy."
"You're all really fantastic," Logan told him. "I know that this is hard and even though it hurts you a lot too, but between you and Kendall and James and Mom and Katie, there aren't five other people in the world that I'd rather go through this with. We'll make it through. I know we will."
"Yeah," Carlos said, looking up in the sky just in time to see a shooting star. "Me too."
The door opened then, and Kendall and James walked out to join their friends on the roof. "There you are!" Kendall exclaimed in relief.
"Sorry!" Carlos said quickly. He went to stand up and found himself being gently forced back down by Kendall as he and James joined their friends on the blanket.
"Kendall, I meant to text you that we-"
"Carlos, it's fine!" Kendall interruppted. "I knew you guys would be okay with each other. We were just wondering where you were, that's all. This was the first place we looked." He glanced over at Logan, wrapped in the extra blanket and turned back to Carlos. "We didn't have anything to worry about."
"Are you feeling better, Logan?" James asked in concern. He knew the answer but he had to hear Logan for himself.
Logan nodded. "Fine, James. Carlos took good care of me."
James looked closer at his friend. The swelling on the right side of his face wasn't even there anymore even though there was still a little dried blood from when Logan had bit his lip. "I see that," he said, finally smiling.
"How's Buddy?" Logan asked, ready to switch topics.
Kendall rolled his eyes and laughed. "Much better now that we took him for a walk. Man, he was getting really hyper."
"That's because I never got a chance to take him out earlier," Logan said with a sigh. "Sorry about that, guys."
"No big deal, Logie." James said, shaking his head. "It was good to get out even though we didn't want to leave. We knew that you were in good hands. And we're back now. So-"
"Everything's good," Logan finished for him.
"Right," James smiled a little.
A breeze came by then and even under the blanket, Logan shivered a little. Kendall stood up. "Ready to go back in?" Even though it had been voiced as a question, his friends knew that it was a command and they all stood up after him. Standing close to Logan, Kendall scooped up the other blanket and the opened the door that led them back inside.
Katie and Mrs. Knight were playing quietly with Buddy and looked up when the boys walked in. "Hi, boys. How is everything?"
Logan loved the casual way his mother always brought up his well-being, including his friends in her concerned question so that he wasn't alone. He gave her a thumbs up and then walked over to hug her. "Much better, thanks. Still pretty tired though."
"It's getting late," Mrs. Knight siad glancing at the clock. 10:00 wasn't late for four teenage boys but they had, as usual, a long day ahead of them. "Katie and I will probably turn in soon too."
"Okay," Katie said agreeably. She stood up from where she had been rubbing the dog's belly and walked over to Logan to hug him. The cluster headaches scared her more than anyone else and at times she ran out of the room and buried her head under a pillow, no longer able to watch Logan rock back and forth in so mauch pain and listen to his desperate sobs. She loved seeing the older brother she had know for most of her life. The one who had gone away for almost a year and then returned in a way that could only be described as miraculous. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Logan." she said softly, apologizing in her own way, for not always being able to stay through the whole torturous forty-five minutes.
"Thanks, Katie." Logan replied, kissing her on the forehead, letting her know that there was nothing to forgive. He looked back at his mom and smiled. "Love you both. See you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Logan." Mrs. Knight smiled, taking in every second of the peace that would stay with them until the morning. "We love you too."
The boys headed off to their own bedrooms, prepared for bed, and then said goodnight to each other. Logan and Kendall headed off to their room while, after hesistating, James followed Carlos to their room. "Are you okay, James?" Carlos asked, noticing the other boy's quiet distress.
James sat on his bed and nodded. "I think so. I'm just tired and well. . . worried about Logan."
"Me too," Carlos said in complete understanding. "It's scary, isn't it? But after a while they'll stop and we'll have a break from them, right? That's what the doctor said, isn't it?"
"Yeah," James assured him. "I just hope that it's soon and that it lasts a long time. Lognan deserves better than this."
"He does," Carlos agreed, falling silent. "But he's strong," he added in a whisper after some time. "And he's got lots of strong people to take care of him. He'll be okay."
"I know," James laid down then, staring up at the dark ceiling. "Thanks, Carlos." Hearing the other boy murmur in response, James turned over to his side and closed his eyes, hoping he could get some sleep.
"James!"
James' eyes snapped open to find Logan staring at him, his expression unreadable. Quickly, James sat up. "Logan? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
"No!" Logan spat out, his eyes dark with resentment. "How could you possibly think that I'm okay, James? Just a couple months ago, I woke up and everyone told me that I spent almost a year of my life brain damaged. With the mind of a six-year-old. I missed out on so much, James! High-school! Now I'm more than a year behind and it'll take me forever to get to college and med school. And what about Big Time Rush? It's dead and it's all your fault."
"I-I. . . Logan-" James stammered helpless, hs heart racing in fear at every word that poured from Logan's lips.
"The funny thing is," Logan snorted and shook his head. "Is that it's because of Big Time Rush that any of this happened. And you threw it all the way. After I put my dream of becoming a doctor on hold for your dream of becoming a pop star in LA, you ran that red light and ruined everything for everyone."
Tears filled James' eyes and began to spill down his cheeks. He had been expecting this for so long until that night when Logan talked to him and told him that he had forgiven him. But that was before the cluster headaches. They must have changed Logan's mind and though James deserved everything the younger boy was saying to him, it was still incredibly difficult to hear. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"You're sorry." Logan repeated in a dull tone. "Do you really think that's enough, James? Because yeah sure, now I'm back to who I was before for whatever reason. But now I have to deal with these headaches. Remember that migraine you got the day after the accident? These are a million times worse. I can't even begin to desribe it to you, James. It's like having someone drilling a red-hot poker into your eye and through the back of your head. It's worse than you could ever imagine. And I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. So guess what, James? My future is still ruined. All because of you."
James started to sob then, shaking from the effort. "L-Logan, I'm so sorry!" he choked out. "If I could take your place, I would! I'd do it in a heartbeat!"
"Yeah, you deserve to," Logan scoffed. "But wishing about it won't change a thing. I hate you, James. I hate you for ruining my life. I don't ever want to see you again." He stood up and yanked James by the wrist, pulling him roughly to his feet. "Get out," he spat. "Go away."
Even though he had been expecting that too, James still fell to his knees when he heard Logan's words. "Logan," he pleaded. "Don't do this. I'll. .. I'll do anything. I can't leave you guys. Please!"
"The only thing I want, James," Logan said, still as harsh as ever. "Is for you to leave and never come back. I don't want to ever see your face again or hear your voice and hear anything about you ever again. I don't want anything to do with you at all. I want to forget the day I met you. I want to forget you."
James was suddenly pulled to his feet again by Logan. He stumbled forward, nearly crashing into the wall. Turning around, he searched his friend's eyes for a hint of forgiveness but saw nothing. Logan really and truly hated him and wanted him to leave. He didn't have a choice. He had to leave. "Okay," he whispered, faintly. "I'll leave." He didn't have the slightest idea where he would go but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered except that he would never see Kendall, Carlos, or Logan ever again. Without them, James wondered, what did he have to live for?
"You don't deserve to die," Logan said, surprising James. "You deserve to live until you're one hundred years old. You deserve to be burdened with your guilt for the rest of your life. So as much as I hate you, James, don't do anything stupid because I don't want you to die. Now," he flung open the door and shoved James violently out onto the street. "Get out of my life!"
Even though he was alive, James felt certain that he was actually dead. Because he was forced to live even though he had nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing. He was alone. Lost. Dead.
"James!"
James' eyes shot open at the sound of his name being called. At first, he could see nothing but darkness and then his eyes began to adjust. He saw Logan watching him and when Carlos flipped on the light, after he was temporairily blinded, he could see that all of his friends were watching him in concern. And with good reason. His entire body was drenched in sweat, his breathing fast and heavy in panic. Tears blurred his vision slightly and he blinked them away only to have them run down his cheeks. "What. . . what happened?" he choked out once he got his breath back.
"You. . . had a nightmare," Logan offered an explanation hesitantly. "At least I think you did. Um, do you. . . do you want to talk about it?"
James sat up slowly, shying away when Logan tried to help him. He covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry if I woke you guys," he said quietly. "I did have a nightmare. But. . . but I'm okay now. Really."
Kendall rolled his eyes from where he sat with Carlos, allowing Logan to try and reach James by himself. "Jay," he said firmly but gently. "I think you probably should talk a little.
"I'm f-fine," James started to say.
"You're about as fine as-" Logan stopped in the middle of his sentence as started again. "You're not fine, James. Please talk to us. What happened?"
There was absolutely no way there would leave him alone until he talked. But still, James hesitated. "Logan, you should rest," he whispered.
"I'll rest when you tell us what's going on," Logan said patiently.
"I just. . . I had a nightmare," James mumbled. He found the nerve to look at Logan and then confessed the rest. "You told me that you hated me and that you wanted me to leave. You told me that you never wanted to see me again." Immediately, he dropped his gaze and stared at his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched at the touch but didn't pull away.
"James," Logan said softly, his voice pained. "I'm sorry, buddy. But. . . but it was just a dream. I've told you before that I don't hate you. And as for you leaving. . . I've hope you know by now just how much we all need you with us."
He did know. But it helped to hear Logan say it after his dream. James nodded and forced a small smile. "I do know," he said quietly. He brushed the remaining tears away and relaxed a little bit. "It was just. . . so real."
"That's how dreams are," Carlos told him, looking at Logan as he spoke. "Right, Logie?"
Logan smiled and nodded. "Carlos is right, James." he told all of them. "But as real as they seem, they're only in our mind. This right here? This is real. And James, I don't hate you. You're one of my best friends and whatever you might think, you deserve to be happy."
"I am happy," James said, realizing that he was being perfectly honest. "It's not always easy and if I could take your place, Logan, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know. . . I know that the accident might not be the cause of your headaches but whether they are or it was going to happen to you anyway, I'd take your place. It hurts so much to see you suffering, especially because it might be my fault. But. . . I am happy. Because you're happy. Right?"
"I'm really happy, James." Logan told him. "You know why? Because I have the best friends in the world with me."
"Me too, Logie."
A/N. I don't really like the last part. But it's necessary. I think. Oh well. I guess we'll see! One more chapter! It's not looking very likely at all that I'll be able to get it up tomorrow but I'll be home by the end of the week so. . . If this is the last chapter until I get back, I love you all! See you in a few days!
