"Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us." -Steven Tyler

Gravity

Chapter Forty-Four

I ignored David and Yusuke's stares and laid back down and faced towards the wall. I wrapped my blankets around myself tightly like a cocoon because that felt like the only thing that was holding me together. My entre body shook beneath the blankets. I heard them murmur something to each other, then one left the room.

David came and sat on the bed next to me. I wanted to tell him to leave, but I couldn't muster up enough strength to do it. I was already falling apart right in front of him. My body shook again as I bit back a tearless sob as I curled into a tight ball. His hand came to rest on the side of my head before running his fingers through my ruined hair. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the short and uneven locks fall back to the bed.

"Why do you always do this to yourself?" David asked quietly, breaking the silence in the room. "You always push people away when you're hurting."

His words sent a shooting pain through my chest but I didn't answer him. He had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't deserve anyone's kindness after what I had done. I especially didn't deserve someone who stayed up all night watching over me to make sure I had restful sleep. How could he even think that I deserved him sitting here next to me? Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

There was a shift in the energy inside the house. Tetsuya's energy morphed into my awareness, along with Mi. Immediately I heard Mi's mewls as she hurried back to my room. I couldn't bring myself to turn over and look at her, because if I did I would have to look at David. She jumped up on the bed and wormed her way between David and I. Her comforting purrs filled the room as she nuzzled her head into the back of my neck. My throat clenched tightly making it hard to breathe.

Mi was a part of me. She was created from my own energy. She could feel everything that I was feeling and knew the pain I felt. I couldn't turn her away. She needed me now as much as I needed her.

Footsteps made their way down the hallway and came to a stop at my doorway. Tetsuya stood there for a few moments in silence, taking in my appearance. I wanted to pull the blankets over my head to hide myself from his view but I just couldn't bring myself to move.

"She started acting strange yesterday," Tetsuya said after a few more moments of silence. "We were worried that.." he trailed off. He didn't have to continue. They thought that something happened with Seikatsu. "Did he..?" Tetsuya asked, referring to my bruised and beaten face.

"No," I answered sharply. If only it had been that simple. If only it had been Seikatsu that had gotten the better of me. Someone's death wouldn't be on my hands. "Please, just leave me alone," I whimpered. "Please."


David stood off of the bed with a silent sigh. Mi curled in closer to Daelyn, giving a quiet mewl. He gave one last long look at his sister before crossing the room to where Tetsuya was standing. He motioned for the shadow demon to step aside. Once out of the room, he shut the door behind him quietly, leaving Daelyn and Mi alone.

Tetsuya stared at the door with a tight expression. David wasn't exactly sure what to tell him. He didn't even know the whole story himself. The only person who really knew what happened in that tunnel was his sister, and she wasn't going to talk about it. It honestly somewhat angered him. Not that she wasn't talking about it, but that he wasn't able to protect her.

She was hurting now, and she was lashing out. That was part of her defense mechanism. Her first solution was to run away from the problem, and if that failed or she couldn't run away from it, she lashed out, trying to force people away. It started when their parents had been killed.

Her grades had started falling. Even though they hadn't ever been phenomenal, she had kept them at a little under average. He had started to notice a steady decline in her grades, to where she was just hovering on the line of failing. Her principal had called him, concerned about her behavior. Not only had her grades started to decline, but she had started to act out towards other students.

A few nights later he was actually home. He was off from work, and school which was something that never happened. When she had come home from school, he sat her down to talk to her about everything her principal had told him. He could remember it vividly how a wall came slamming down around her. She completely closed herself off and tried to brush him off. When he kept pressing, asking her what he could do to help, she lashed out at him. She screamed at him, telling him that she hated him over and over again until he finally let her retreat back into her room where she didn't speak to him for nearly a month, which was exactly what she had just done to Hiei.

He could remember the shock that came over him when she said that. He sat back at the table with his head in his hands. That was when the entire situation really hit him. This was his reality. He was trying to raise his teenaged sister when he was just barely out of his teenaged years himself. He was only twenty one. That was the first and only time it ever crossed his mind that maybe he really couldn't do this. Maybe he really couldn't raise her the way she needed to be.

Little did he know then, she was "acting out" because she was being bullied and hadn't told him. It was something that she always confided in with their parents, but she hadn't ever wanted him to know. He had always known that she had a hard time in school and didn't have a lot of friends, but he never knew how bad it was. It wouldn't be for another entire school year that he would find out about it because a girl had put glue in her hair. When they left the school after he had a few choice words with her principal, she sat in the car and sobbed as she told him everything. Every little thing that had been said or done to her simply because she was a foreigner. It made him almost physically sick. It made him angry.

That's how their relationship went after the death of their parents. She would try and hide her problems with school or whatever job she had, one that he definitely didn't approve of her having while she was still in school, he would try and help, and she'd lash out. It was how she tried to protect herself.

He thought that since she had died and come back that it had all been put behind her and that she had grown out of it. But now as he stood in front of her bedroom door, having just witnessed her do the same thing to Hiei that she had done what felt like hundreds of times to him, he knew things hadn't really changed. He would be the first one to say that she didn't really hate Hiei. It was the exact opposite.

"Come on," David said with a sigh. "Yusuke can explain it better than I can," he added before leading Tetsuya towards the living room.


I heard them move away from the door and let out a shaking sigh. My tight grip on my blankets loosened and I turned over to face Mi. She stared back at me with her wide blue eyes as she studied the damage to my face. I hadn't seen myself since I woke up, but from the overall ache, I assumed it looked worse today than it did yesterday.

She gave an almost silent mew and gently pressed her face into my neck to not disturb the hand shaped bruises. My fingers found their way into her fur as my eyes fell shut. Maybe it was selfish of me, but part of me in that moment was relieved that I hadn't died in that tunnel. If I had died, that meant Mi would have died too. The thought only seemed to further twist the knife of guilt that had imbedded itself into my stomach, but it gave me something good to hold on to. I had killed someone, but in exchange I saved another innocent life.

My nerves were too frayed to go back to sleep. That, and I knew if I went back to sleep I would have nightmares about what I had done without Hiei here to keep them away. Sleep wouldn't come easily to me anytime soon, if it ever did at all. I didn't regret that I had made him leave. It did hurt, and even though my heart didn't beat anymore, I could still feel it breaking. I didn't deserve him. He deserved someone better than me, and for that reason I was relieved he was gone. Even if I really did want him here.

All at once, a memory crashed to the front of my mind. The book. I shot up from the bed, my body screaming in protest and startling Mi. The book. Where was the book? My eyes fell on my bag sitting next to the chair that Hiei had been sitting in not too long ago. It was stained with dirt and blood, but I could see the outline of the leather bound book inside.

Hurriedly, I climbed off of the bed and limped over to it. My side ached as I leaned down to pick it up off of the floor. The smell of the dried blood hit me with a wave of nausea as my fingers brushed over the stains. I grimaced but managed to hold back the gag that tried to fight it's way to the surface. I reached into the bag and pulled the book out before retreating back to my bed.

The book was old and worn. It's pages were yellowed and delicate enough that it felt like they were going to turn into nothing under my touch. Carefully I flipped open to the front page. The pages were hand written with hand drawn illustrations. I had never seen a book so old.

I leaned back against the wall as Mi rested her head in my lap. The kanji was a little hard to read, especially since my eyes were nearly swollen shut. The first of the pages were mostly drawings that illustrated the lore around energy demons. Still, I read them and studied each drawing closely. Just because it was lore didn't mean that there might not be an answer in them.

Each story found a way to contradict the last. One story said that energy demons were completely immortal, which I personally knew was a lie, and the next story told about how they could be killed by sealing their energy away and setting them on fire. That was something I did not want to test the theory on. I flipped through the pages of the book, reading each line carefully, then twice more to make sure that I understood fully what it said.

As the early morning rose further into the sky, coming closer and closer to noon, I had retrieved an empty notebook out of my desk. I ignored the sting of pain in my chest when I saw the old journals that Hiei had read. Mi took to stretching out next to me as I balanced the book on one leg, and the notebook on the other, taking notes on anything that seemed important or that had been written more than once.

The only thing that stood out to me from the first fourth of the book, which was all lore and tall-tales, was no one really knew where energy demons came from or how to deal with one on a killing rampage. The stories told of entire villages and populations being completely wiped out by a single demon. If there was more than one, it was complete and total decimation on the people and landscape. The thought of that there was that level of power laying somewhere inside me was...terrifying. To know that if I somehow managed to find a way to stop myself from dying in the very near future, that I would someday have the power to completely destroy a race of people didn't sit well with me. I already had blood on my hands. I didn't want anymore.

The book did well to distract me from everything. It kept my mind busy so it didn't wander into the memories that I was trying to forget. But my chopped hair kept falling into my eyes and ruining my concentration. My frustration grew each time I tried to push it back behind my ears and it would simply fall back into my eyes. I chose to ignore the fact that I was getting so frustrated with it was because each time it blocked my view it reminded me of what I had done, and why it was cut so short.

With a burst of anger I pushed the two books off of my lap and stormed over to the door. I paid no attention to if Mi followed me or not. I didn't go very far. Slamming the door to the bathroom open, I fished out the first aid kit under the sink and pulled out the pair of scissors that David kept inside of it.

I paused as I took in my appearance in the mirror. My face was swollen and bruised. Both of my eyes were purple, with the edges of the bruises fading into a sickening yellow. My neck matched the color of my eyes, and the split in my lip was scabbed over, causing that side of my lip to swell to twice the side of the other half. All in all, it looked like I had been beaten within an inch of my life which wasn't far off from what had happened. The uneven lengths of my hair made it look even worse.

Without another thought, I grabbed a random lock of my hair and started hacking away at it, letting the chopped hair fall to the floor around me. With each cut of the scissors, my chopping became more and more frantic. No matter how much I cut, it kept falling into my face. I heard movement in the doorway, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. Seeing my reflection had set something off inside of me. It opened up every fresh wound that I had tried to push away and smeared salt into them making it hurt so much more.

I was pathetic. How could I have let this happen? I relied so heavily on the others for my protection because I was too pathetic to protect myself. All of this was my own fault. I had brought this on myself. If only I could have been strong enough to hold off the demon so I could run away. If only I hadn't become a demon. If only I hadn't accepted Seikatsu's offer to bring me back to life. If only I wasn't so stupid that I pushed everyone away. If only I hadn't pushed Hiei away when I needed him here.

I heard someone trying to talk to me, but I couldn't form any understanding of their words. The only thing I could focus on was the hair falling to the ground to be swept away and forgotten. A pair of hands came to grab my own, stopping me from further butchering my hair. Only then did I realize that I had been crying. I wasn't openly weeping. The tears just fell silently down my swollen cheeks, then dripped to the floor.

My gaze focused on the person who had grabbed my hands. I was mildly surprised to see that it was Shizuru. Her expression was tight and pursed as she pulled the scissors out of my hand. Movement in the doorway caught my eye, pulling my attention away from Shizuru. Keiko was standing there, her face open with worry. Mi peered in to the bathroom behind her. Everything became too much then. The mixture of their emotions along with mine was too much for my raw nerves. The tears started to fall faster as Shizuru loosened her grip on my hands.

I tried to wipe the tears away, but they just kept coming. They wouldn't stop and they wouldn't slow down. Keiko crossed into the bathroom and pulled me into a tight hug. I wanted to fight against her, to push her away. I didn't deserve her comfort. Why couldn't they see that? Why did they insist on being here? I had used every ounce of strength that I had to force Hiei to leave. I didn't have anything left. So instead of pushing her away, I wrapped my arms around her tightly and let the tears fall.


"Back so soon?" Mukuro asked, not bothering to turn as Hiei pushed open the door.

He ignored her words, instead crossing his arms as he waited for her orders. As he approached Mukuro's base he had started to have second thoughts about joining the patrol again. He knew there would be questions that he didn't want to answer. But he knew he needed to be with the patrol, preparing for the tournament.

The dragon's roars had slowly fallen silent. He thought he would be relieved by that, but the silence in his head only allowed the girls voice to drift to the front of his mind. Her anger filled words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind.

Mukuro turned to look at him when he gave no response. Her visible eye narrowed slightly at his cold appearance. Hiei hated that look. He had been on the receiving end of it too many times to count. He knew that it was her trying to work something out, like he was a puzzle that she was trying to solve.

"Did you have a quarrel with your Daelyn?" she asked smoothly.

"That girl isn't mine," Hiei scoffed, his cold expression darkening into a glare.

"Hm," she hummed, a small smile brushing across her face. "Is she aware of this?" she asked.

"Don't be foolish," Hiei snapped back. "I don't have time for your games, Mukuro." He didn't want to listen to her pestering. Especially not about her. The dragon twisted painfully under his arm, reminding him that he shouldn't be here in Demon World. He forced those thoughts away. If she didn't want him there with here, then he wouldn't be.

"You don't think that you should be here," Mukuro stated. "Should I order you back to Human World?"

"Mukuro," he growled. "I'm here for orders. Not for your foolish games."

She tilted her head back a fraction, a flash crossing over her eye. He knew that look as well. She was truly considering ordering him back to Human World. Even if she did, he wouldn't return back to the girl, no matter what her orders were. The girl had made her decision and he wasn't going to argue against it. If she didn't want him there, he wasn't going to be there.

"Join the patrol that's about to leave if that's really what you want," she said finally, turning her back to him. Hiei turned to leave, but paused as she started to speak again. "Perhaps you're the foolish one this time, Hiei."

He scoffed at her remark and blurred away.


There wasn't much hair that Shizuru could save, but she did her best. The back was cut shorter than the front, with a small part of the front hanging to about my mid neck. It was a drastic change from what my hair was before. It had never been this short.

I sat on my bed with the book I had stolen and my notes hidden away from view with Mi's head in my lap. Keiko sat next to me in silence. I was thankful for that. My emotions were still too raw to hold a simple conversation, let alone spill out my heart about what had happened. Shizuru had gone to get us something to eat, leaving Keiko and I alone.

David had been called into work. He couldn't refuse because he didn't have anymore sick days. Keiko had come over to let Yusuke go home and get some rest. He was just as worn out as I was with the traveling. Shizuru had come to give Keiko some company because I had closed myself off in my room. Tetsuya returned back to Yokuto's temple to tell him what had happened. The thought of that made me feel so much worse. I was supposed to return to the temple today, but I just didn't have it in me to return. Not when it held so many memories of Hiei.

Now that he was gone, I desperately wanted him here. It was selfish of me. I had pushed him away and told him I hated him, and now I wanted him to come back. How much more stupid could I get? I missed him. I missed the heat of his energy when he was close and his silent conversation. I felt a ghost of a smile trace along my face. That was the best way to describe any interaction with him. Silent conversation. He never said much, if anything at all, when you spoke to him. But once you left, it felt like just a normal conversation with someone.

I never dreamed once in my entire life that I would love someone like him because I never thought someone like him could exist. It hurt to be without him. It hurt even more to know that I had hurt him in my own pain. But it was for the best. Wasn't it? He deserved someone better than me. Someone stronger. Someone who could fight along side him instead of needing his constant protection. I had failed him, and even if it hurt now, it was for the best.

But I couldn't help but be selfish. Even though I knew that he deserved better than me, I still wanted him here. I wanted him to be here with me as I tried to put myself back together. It was cruel of me to want him to be here, but I couldn't help it. I was so helplessly in love with him. I needed him now more than ever. But this was for the best. His home was Demon World and my home was Human World. We were where we both belonged now.

I knew how wrong I was in that thought. It didn't matter where my home was supposed to be. It would never truly feel like home where ever I was if he wasn't there.

A fresh supply of tears started to pool into my eyes. I tried to blink them away before Keiko noticed, but she was too observant for her own good. Her hand gripped mine tightly, and that was all that it took for the tears to start falling again. She shifted closer to me to wrap her arm around my shoulders. She didn't say anything because she knew there was nothing that she could say to ease what I was feeling. She knew the pain to some extent herself. I allowed myself that small comfort and cried openly into her shoulder once again.


First off, let me apologize for how short this chapter is. I feel like crap and I have to work tonight, but I really wanted to post something tonight. I wanted to make this longer, but my head is killing me and I can't stare at my computer screen for much longer. So please forgive the lateness and the shortness of this chapter. The next chapter will be longer, I promise.

purple-pygmy-puff16: I was going to get more into Mukuro and Hiei this chapter, but that's gonna be next chapter. Hopefully I left off in a better spot this time haha.

wolfgurlaa: There's going to be plenty more chapters to come. At this rate with what I have planned out this story is going to be 80+ chapters long haha. so there will be much more to come!

trisana: Right?! I just wanted to shake her when I was writing the last chapter. Dae-dae's got some issues she needs to work out, and Hiei does also. If only they would realize that they could help eachother. Sigh.

toxic click: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!:)

Thank you for all the favorites, follows, and reviews! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Especially cause I'm sick and it would make me feel better haha.