Chapter 54
Shepard's eyes reflected back at her in the copper plaque. ANDERSON. Not too far away on the rock slab, to her left and a few rows down - ALENKO, Kaidan's dad. Shepard shuffled back a step and scanned the grassy expanse of memorials.
She'd tried his room. Tried her own room. Tried the Normandy. Tried messaging him. No response. He, apparently, wasn't interested in see her. She'd assumed he'd be looking for her. It didn't make sense. Maybe she'd jumped to conclusion too fast. Rather self-centered to assume his motives had to do with her. Perhaps he just didn't want to go to the Terminus System. This didn't seem like the way he'd go about it though, if that was the only factor. Maybe there were other anchors. He wanted to stay with his family. Maybe he wanted to go to Thessia. Shepard released a long breath and meandered down the wall of names. The sun hung low over the ocean in the distance ahead. She should call off the search. If he wanted to talk, he'd find her.
She stopped at the edge of the Memorial Gardens overlooking the ocean. Ocean wind roared in her ears and whipped her hair flagging back behind her. A waist-high wall of stones railed the ocean cliff face. Shepard put her hands on it and looked out over the ocean. She could use his Spectre trick, track where he used his access codes. That required he went somewhere requiring an access code though.
Shepard pressed her palms down on the wall and lifted onto her toes to feel the wind. She just needed to relax, but this a infuriating. He'd seen her messages. She could tell. The tide looked like it was sweeping in. She gazed below at the beach. Her eyes stopped.
She dropped back into the grass and rushed along the rock wall. Sure enough, further down the wall there was a metal gate. A stone staircase zigzagged down the cliffside to access the beach. She vaulted down the stairs two at a time. It was a lot of crisscrossing before she finally stumbled out into the sand. Down the beach, Kaidan was already looking over his shoulder at her.
"Kaidan." She tromped through the sand. "Hell, you're hard to find."
He stood next to a white driftwood log where the powdery sand changed into a packed, wet brown. Shepard came up around the driftwood and stopped on Kaidan's other side.
"Hey. Why're you ignoring my messages?"
He looked away, back at the ocean. "Hey, Shepard."
"'Hey, Shepard'?" She frowned and tried to catch his eye. "What's going on? Why're you down here? I've been looking for you."
He sighed and folded his arms. His eyes fixed on the tide foam slipping up the beach toward them. Shepard moved in front of him.
"Kaidan?"
His eyes lowered. "I don't know, Shepard. I'm trying to think."
"Think about what? You know that I heard, right?"
"I figured."
"And?" Shepard waited. "Were you going to tell me in the next forty-eight hours, before I left to Palavan? Or, just wait for me to hear it on ANN?"
"ANN?" He eyed her sharply. "It wouldn't … That's newsworthy?"
"An Alliance general resigning the day of deployment on a major assignment. Uh, yeah, Kaidan, of course, it is."
"Hell." He covered his mouth, fingertips steepled over the bridge of his nose.
"Kaidan." Shepard frowned and pulled on one of his hands.
He sucked in a breath and dropped his hands.
"Damnit, Kaidan. Why're you all upset like this?" Shepard peered in his face. "It was your decision, right? No one said something to you. Did you think you'd be disciplined over what Wilson and Hackett saw?"
"What?" He frowned. "No."
"Then, what's going on? Why're you out here like this?"
"You really think this is going on ANN?"
He turned away and shuffled to the log of driftwood. He sat with a thud and looked at his hands. Shepard walked over.
"I …" He paused and rubbed a callus on his hand. "I left them in the lurch, didn't I?"
"Uh … yeah, I suppose." Shepard sat next to him.
There wasn't much room, and he scooted over.
"That's all right, though. They'll figure it out." Shepard hunched over beside him. "They have other people."
Kaidan shook his head still looking down at his hand. "I should have talked to the captains first. The biotics division deserved better than this. I … Damn." He put his face in his hands again.
"Kaidan." Shepard pulled at his hand again.
This time he resisted. Shepard let go.
"It's all right," she said.
"Is it?" he said through his hands. "I don't know."
"And, that's what you're down here to think about - whether you let everyone down?"
"That and … other things." He dropped his hands and looked at her.
Shepard grabbed one of his hand with both of hers and held it on her knee. He didn't pull his hand back, but he looked away again.
"Is there a different reason than the one I'm thinking?" Shepard asked.
"Shepard …"
"Just tell me, Kaidan. You have to know I'd jump to that conclusion. Unless … unless it's Liara. Maybe-"
"No." He sat up sharply with a frown.
"Then, is there another reason? Something else I'm missing?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know." Shepard exhaled roughly. "Who the hell knows at this point? Maybe you discovered your call for marine biology. The beach here, the way you ogled my fish …"
"Don't joke."
"Don't joke?" Shepard stared at him. "You want to be alone then? Am I bothering you?"
"You're not … bothering me."
"But you want to be alone?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Fine." Shepard dropped his hand and shoved up off the driftwood. "I guess whenever you come to your epiphany, you can come find me."
He frowned with a shrug. "Fine."
"Fine," Shepard repeated.
She strode away kicking up sand with each step and glared back over her shoulder at him. He leaned forward again and picked at the callous on his hand. Shepard stopped. Her jaw flexed. She spun back around.
"You know, Kaidan—"
"I knew you couldn't leave."
"What?" She clomped closer.
He twisted to look at her. "We can talk about it. I don't care. You won't leave me alone until we do."
"I was about to."
"But you didn't."
"Still could."
Kaidan shrugged and turned back to face the ocean. Shepard drummed her fingers on her hips. She sighed and stomped over.
"Told you," he murmured.
She bent down and shoved his shoulder. He batted her hand away.
"You always badger me like this," he said.
"Badger you?" Shepard laughed.
"Yeah."
"Well, maybe you need some badgering. You're all sulky." She sank down next to him on the log again. "Come on." She hunched forward and looked up in his face. "I want to be with you, Kaidan. You don't want the same thing?"
His eyes snapped to her, focused and unblinking. "Is that true?"
"Is it true?" Shepard echoed with a frown. "I was told not to joke." She paused holding his eye and let out a weary breath. "I wouldn't joke about that, Kaidan."
He straightened, still staring at her. His eyes searched her face. He opened his mouth then stopped himself. His expression darkened, and he looked away.
"Kaidan …" Shepard's heart beat harder.
Perhaps he'd felt the way she did now on the Alliance veranda a year ago. Their coffee cooling in the bay wind, as he waited through her long lead-in for the bad news.
"Kaidan," Shepard repeated in a wobbly voice. "Just tell me. If I'm wrong to think that, then I'm wrong. Just say it."
"Shepard." He angled himself to face her. "I want to ask you something, but I'm not sure you'll give me the real answer."
"I'm not going to lie to you." Shepard's brow pinched.
"You don't know that," he said in a firm voice.
Shepard let out a long breath. "I'm so pathological, I'm lying to you about lying to you? Come on."
"I'm not saying that," he grumbled.
"Then what? What are you saying? I can't figure you out."
He shifted on the log and shrugged. "You don't want to hurt me, so maybe you'd say something that isn't fully true. It isn't really a lie you'd think, because it's half true or because it's for a good reason, spare my feelings. People lie all the time. They don't think of themselves as liars. Sometimes, you know saying the truth would leave you feeling guiltier than if you just stretched it."
"What?" Shepard blurted with brows indenting deeper. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"That's my worry. Aside from all the other stuff."
"That I'm going to lie to spare your feelings?"
"That you won't give me the truth, yes."
Shepard snorted, pushed off the log, and stood. "Why would you even think that? I haven't held the truth back from you before. We've always been honest with each other. Now you doubt me?"
"Shepard." He got to his feet. "When we talked last year, you were so afraid of hurting me, you had a whole themed story worked up leading to the punchline. How am I not supposed to worry you'd hold back to spare me … hurt feelings or whatever?"
"I never lied to you," Shepard hissed.
"I'm not saying you did." He raised his voice, then caught himself. He took a few breaths, then repeated in a calm voice, "I'm saying, trying to say, you obviously are worried enough to act out of character to protect my feelings. Why can't I think you'd do something similar again?"
"Kaidan …" Shepard's chest heaved with each quickening breath.
"I just want the truth." He looked away.
Shepard tore in front of him, sprayed sand around her feet, to block his line of view.
"Oh, trust me, Kaidan. I'll give it to you. No worries there."
His eyes rounded. She tapped a finger hard into his chest.
"Shoot." She snapped. "Go ahead. Ask me your damn question. You want honesty? You'll get it."
His mouth tightened.
"Well?" Shepard extended her arms out and shuffled a step closer.
"Well …" he said. He took a step back and bumped into the driftwood.
Shepard took another step forward.
"Give me the damn question," she said through gritted teeth.
Kaidan put his palms up. "Now I'm worried I've skewed the results the other direction."
"What?" Shepard stormed.
Kaidan backed along the side of the driftwood, but Shepard followed right on top of each step backward. The corners of his lips twitched up.
"This is funny?" Shepard asked.
"You're so mad at me." Kaidan's lips hardened, but the edges started to lift again. "Are you going to attack me?"
"Attack you?" Shepard stopped.
"Yeah." Kaidan paused in the sand. "Bury me neck deep. Let the tide roll in."
"Don't joke," Shepard said flatly.
"Who's joking?" He grinned.
Shepard's breathing slowed with some effort. He smiled crookedly at her, and she narrowed her eyes. She took a sharp step forward, and he stumbled back putting his palms up again.
"Really think I'd win, huh?" Shepard asked.
"Yeah. I wouldn't hurt you. Can't say the same the other direction."
"I thought your stories didn't put you on the receiving end."
"In fiction. This is nonfiction."
"Worried I'm going to make it too graphic?"
"Uh … well. Depends on the type of graphic."
Shepard gave him a hard stare. A smile slanted on her lips though, and she folded her arms with a loud exhale. Kaidan gave a restrained smile.
"Give me your damn question." Shepard sighed.
"Fine." Kaidan raised his palms with fingers spread and narrowed the space between them. "Listen …"
"Oh, I am."
"I know." Kaidan stood in front of her. "Listen, Shepard. You said you want to … be with me. Is it because I quit the Alliance?"
"What?" Her forehead wrinkled.
"Look," he said. "I don't want you feeling like you owe me anything. That's not why I did it. It's why I didn't do it. Until now. I don't want you to be with me because I ruined my career over you, and you owe it to me."
"Then, you didn't leave the Alliance to be with me?"
Kaidan gave a heavy sigh. "I say 'yes,' I'm putting pressure on you. I'd rather we're not together than have any part of you only with me because of guilt. I had other reasons for leaving, but … yes, for us, I wanted to make it possible."
Shepard's lung filled, and he grabbed her hands.
"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I never stopped. Of course, I want to be with you, but I don't want that if it's not everything you want."
"Kaidan," Shepard said softly and stepped up to him. "You can't think that. Of course, that's what I want. You know how I feel about you."
"Do I?" He shrugged and looked down at their hands. He traced a thumb over the back of her hand.
"You doubt it?" Shepard stooped to look up at him.
"I don't know," he said gently. "I—I know you care about me, Shepard."
"So, I didn't mean all the things I've ever told you?"
"You all but said you regretted it. You told me there were promises and things implied before the war that couldn't be lived up to after. I understood what you meant, Shepard. Don't act like there's no reason for me to be confused.
Shepard shifted on her feet and chewed her lip.
"Okay, that's fair. But, I didn't intend to imply that I didn't meant the things I'd said to you, only that I didn't know how to follow through on them. Kaidan." She tightened her grip on his hands and stared into his face. "I love you. I love you too, all right? Is that what you're waiting for? It was true then. It's true now. It didn't stop being true in between. You mean more to me than anyone ever has."
His smile widened slowly.
"Well …" Shepard said. "What's holding us back then?"
Kaidan searched her eyes. "Nothing."
He brushed a hand across her cheek and slid his fingers into her hair. His thumb rested on the skin by her ear, and he bent in closer. It was taking so damn long though. She surged against him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and pulled him into her kiss. It made her dizzy to taste him again, feel his tongue against hers. His fingers tightened in her hair, and his other hand raised to her waist and pulled her in closer. Breath burned between their face, and she coiled her arm tighter around his neck and kissed him deeper. Her breath came faster as his hand untangled from her hair and slid down the back of her neck. The kiss was become stronger, greedier, consuming. She pulled away.
"Wait." She panted.
"What?" He said breathless.
He blinked at her as if she was coming back into focus. She drew her arms down from around his neck.
"What's the matter?" he frowned still holding her close around the waist.
"There's something I need to tell you."
His hands slid away, and he stepped back. His eyes had an alert, edge to them. Shepard gripped his arm and held him from retreating.
"What's going on?" he said.
"Don't get worked up," she sputtered. "It's nothing. Stop worrying."
"Okay," he said. He waited, then gave a timid smile. "Do I get to say give me the damn question?"
"It's not a question," she said. "It's just …" Her chest tightened, but she pushed ahead and said it. "I left the Alliance."
"What?" His eyes rounded.
"This morning."
He stepped back and touched his forehead with his fingertips. He paced away, and Shepard rustled through the sand next to him. He stopped short and turned to her.
"The Normandy …"
"I'm leaving her in good hands. It wasn't the metal I loved anyway, it was the people. It was you. It's time for something else."
"You can still get it back, Shepard." Kaidan spun to face her fully. "Talk to Hackett."
"No." Shepard frowned. "I made my decision."
"But, if you'd known … I should have told you." He grabbed her hands roughly. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I'm so sorry. I didn't know you'd—"
"Kaidan." Shepard jiggled his hands. "I already knew you'd resigned. Hackett caught me at the transport waiting for you. He tried to change my mind."
"But, why then?" Kaidan swallowed and shook his head. "I resigned. You have to know this, but as long as one of us isn't Alliance, we can be together. It doesn't need to be both of us."
"True," Shepard said. "You should go back, Kaidan. Hackett would take you."
"No." His face scrunched.
"You're worried about your biotics team. This assignment …"
"They're sending me to the Terminus System."
"Then go. We'll figure something out."
"Like what? There are better things for you than going to the Terminus System with me, and it'll be years before the relay's functional to fast travel."
"We'll work it out." Shepard shrugged. "Just go back and—"
"No, Shepard," Kaidan said with a heated firmness. "I don't want to work it out."
"Then ask for another assignment. Hackett's desperate. He'll deal."
"No," Kaidan repeated. "We've lost enough time. And, I'm done serving two masters. Until they figure out where they stand with human Spectres, I'm done. I'll work for the Council, resources or not."
"Resources," Shepard repeated and put her hands on her hips. "Guess the Alliance needs to help us out a little, if they don't want the only two human Spectres embarrassing humanity by begging on the tarmac."
"Wilson will never allow it," Kaidan said. "And the flight admirals aren't much better."
"Perhaps not the Alliance then, but I have clout. We both have connections, friends. We'll make it work. And, who knows? Maybe we can change some things. Humanity's never had Spectres before. We can be trailblazers."
Kaidan shook his head with a reluctant grin. "Sounds like they're in for trouble."
"The Alliance?"
"The Alliance, the Council, whoever stands in your way."
"Our way." Shepard closed the distance between them. "Funny, all this time I thought we accomplished a greater good by doing our separate parts, but I was wrong. We can accomplish more together than the sum of what we could apart. Maybe your greatest weakness can also be your greatest strength. You make me stronger."
"I feel the same way, Shepard." He touched her face with a smile.
"You know, I heard there are some rachni near Palaven. Seems like a Council matter. Someone should reach out to them."
"Maybe a couple of Spectres if they can thumb a ride?" Kaidan grinned.
Shepherd pressed against him and took his face in both hands. "Let's go discuss it then. How about some place a little more … private?"
"Yeah?"
She kissed him. She grabbed his hand, and dragged him toward the stairs.
"Shepard, we're not really going to, uh … multitask, right?"
Shepard laughed and grinned over her shoulder at him. He gave a loopy grin. This warm, full feeling in her chest – it's what she had been searching for all along. For once, surviving the Crucible, didn't feel like fate's mistake. As fingers interlocked and they galloped up the stairs, she knew this was what she wanted next.
